RELUBBUS JUDICIAL SYSTEM CELEBRATED THROUGHOUT WORLD

What makes the Relubbus judicial system the envy of the world?

Our legal correspondent, Tommy 'Asbo' Trezise (31), makes a, for him, unusually sober assessment which he shares with us here:

At the 196th novennial International Judicial Symposium held in Vaduz, Liechtenstein, assembled luminaries of the legal world all concluded that the Relubbus judicial sytem was unparalleled in its innovative approach, its fairness and equity and, above all, in its effectiveness.

The symposium is unique amongst international gatherings in that all its proceedings are conducted in the 'silver' latin of Tacitus.

This remains true today, despite fierce attempts in the 1950s to introduce the latin of Caesar (pictured left) , whose clipped and cuttingly accurate prose was held to be a much more appropriate vehicule for discussion of the law.

It further saw off, a little more easily, later attempts in the 1970s to adopt the lofty language of high Ciceronian address. 

It was thus in the more comfortable medium of the latin of Tacitus that legal systems from across the world were discussed in Vaduz -- with the conclusion that in Relubbus the pinnacle of judicial excellence had been reached.

Some of the judges involved in reaching this decision can be seen on the left leaving the Methodist Cathedral in Vaduz after morning prayers on the final day of the 10 week conference.

Visitors to Relubbus are often taken aback by one of the most startling differences between practice here and elsewhere in the world.

Every word and every sentence heard in the Relubbbus courts is sung and not spoken.

Each day a tune is selected from the Methodist Hymn Book and every word uttered must follow the tune of that selected hymn.

This practice dates back to the 18th century, when inveterate stammerer,  Madron Trembath (82), was called upon to give evidence.  Whilst Madron was sadly known to take up to twenty minutes to say so much as "Gordhewer da", yet he could sing as fluently and as beautifully as a nightingale.

Mr Justice Horton Behenna then gave him special dispensation  to present his evidence in song.  It later became apparent that singing brought other advantages as well.

When one is concentrating on following a tune, it becomes more difficult to dissemble or lie - the increased mental focus thus gives rise to more honest utterances.  With keen Methodist judges in control of the Relubbus courts, it was not long until they ruled that everyone - including themselves - must make all utterances in song only.

As will now be readily appreciated, the focus in Relubbus courts is on stripping away all obstacles and impediments to clear perception of  the truth.

This is also reflected in the unusual dress code in court.  It is believed that being bare-legged provides a gentle reminder that we should all be as naked before the law.  It also has the huge advantage that everyone makes sure to wear clean underwear and this promotes a healthier atmosphere for all.

Mr Justice Standfast Pengelly (56), resplendent in freshly washed and ironed underpants, sang out the following comment to the tune of Charles Wesley's "Author of faith", which is no. 362 in the Methodist Hymn Book:

"The smellinere av gottalot better neow.  Time was you'd aff choke when summa they crimnals wasineer!"

Attendance at the courts is now one of the biggest tourist attractions in Relubbus, with all public gallery spaces in the Relubbus Central Criminal Court fully booked right up to the end of 2015.

So book now, if you want a seat in 2016!

CHARITY - WILL IT BEGIN IN YOUR HOME?

Single mother Florence Tresidder (32) and her charming daughters Colostomy-Belle (13) and Jallopy-Jane (15) are looking for somewhere to stay, and possibly a new home for good, after an unfortunate incident at their Colinsey Road, Penzance, home last week; and after the trauma of a false accusation of grievous bodily harm brought against her two sweet and wholly innocent daughters.

With orders drying up for her specialist product of basket-woven babies’ nappies, Florence was faced with the horrendous prospect of having to go back on the game near Penzance bus station in order to keep the family financially afloat.

Horrified at the prospect of their mother being forced to pursue this wretched occupation on the streets, the two little treasures helpfully and reasonably suggested that their mother should instead advertise for gentlemen callers to come round to the house, so that mother wouldn’t be out in all weathers and so that the girls would continue to remain in sufficient funds to pay for their ‘pick-me-up’ habits and other reasonable teenage expenses.

That is where chronically nervous Morrison’s trolley operative, Douglas Addicoat (35), came in.

He saw an advert saying “Attractive female therapist, trained in the relief of male nervous conditions, offers Harlot-street quality service at prices you can afford in her own palatial Penzance home.”

Discussing the situation under extreme, but familiar, difficulties with his profoundly deaf mother, Artemis (96), Douglas was authorised by his doting Mum to pay “Miss Tresidder” a visit.

On arriving at the Colinsey Road home, he claims that he was immediately set upon by the two teenagers, both of whom were far bigger than him. After an alleged four hours of torture, Douglas was, he alleges, relieved of his trousers, his glasses and the £27.56 cash he was carrying.

Addicoat claims that the girls wanted to “jes' warm ‘n’ up a bit” and made a bonfire in the kitchen on which to ‘warm’ him. The fire then got out of control and the house burnt down, making the Tresidder family homeless.

The girls claim that they were terrified by the threatening behaviour of Addicoat when he arrived at the house. Weeping uncontrollably, they said that they had no idea how Mr Addicoat had acquired the various cuts, bruises, burns and dislocations he displayed.

Asked where the mother had been in all of this, they replied that they had carried her out of the house before Addicoat had even arrived, because “she ‘ad bin took sum poorly after drinkin’ a cuppla bottles o’ gin, which must’ave bin off”.

The investigating policeman, PC Carne, was touched by the obvious terror of the traumatised girls and, seeing nothing but innocence in their sobbing, pleading eyes, locked up Addicoat so that he could face the magistrates.

Meanwhile, this charming trio of Tresidder females is now looking for a temporary – or, if you are so minded, permanent - home.

Can you offer a home to this clutch of poor disadvantaged females (including a ‘workroom’ for mother)?

If so, contact the editor of the Roundup and we will arrange for them to be delivered.

GOODWIN TO BE SUED IN RELUBBUS COURTS

Sir ‘Right Said Fred’ Goodwin, the much-disgraced former CEO of the British banking giant, Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS), is to be sued in the Relubbus Courts by shareholders under the feared provision of ‘bleddy reckless incompetence’ under Relubbus law.

Goodwin (now universally referred to as 'Badloss') is pictured here on the left, in much happier times back in 2006, when he had just received the news that he was being paid more than any other individual in British banking.

Relubbus has been chosen for this action, because of the retention of capital punishment for certain ‘grave offences’.

It is thought likely that Goodwin will have to appear before the unforgiving presence of Chief Justice Horton “’Ang’em all!” Tresidder (111).

Tresidder, a member of the feared Methodist Fundamentalist group, ‘the Golems’, dispenses a form of justice more in keeping with Sharia law, though a good deal more extreme, than with any notions of Western justice.

Judge Tresidder insists on a minimum of corporal punishment for all who come before his court, even if they are innocent, “to teach them respect for the law”. Tresidder retains his own cat o’nine tails for this purpose.

Tresidder is famed for his frequent insistence upon ‘double beheading’. His chief executioner, ‘Mad’ Madron Maddern (59), explains this ancient practice thus: “You gotta cut the’ead off clean in one go, scoop’n up quick, sew ‘n on again and chop ‘n off again bleddy quick!”

Maddern can apparently perform this amazing act within 2 minutes, although he remains very keen to try to better his record. Maddern is also extremely adroit in the practice of scrotal resurfacing (using a strong hydrochloric acid wash), which he usually administers to suspects to make them talk and sometimes just for fun. Maddern is known to have been on to the suppliers recently to top up supplies.

The famous Relubbus Human Rights Organisation, “Wha’s goin' on ‘eera?”, led by Miss Peggy Trevanion (75) from ‘up ‘Eamoor, who herself lost a considerable sum as an RBS shareholder, said “I’m sure Goodwin ‘ll get what ee duh deserve from Mr Justice Tresidder and from young Maddern!”

Justice Tresidder had much of his pension invested in RBS shares and therefore is able to identify with the sense of loss felt by many RBS shareholders. Maddern too had the whole of his pension stored in RBS shares and is keen to be able to get to know Goodwin.

This sense of association, in both men, with the plight of other shareholders and with those who had invested parts of their pension pots in RBS shares is greatly heightened by the fact that car-mad Goodwin seems to have managed to combine his startling act of ‘crashing’ the bank in a spectacular way with his amazing feat of walking away from the crash unscathed -- and with a huge personal pension in addition to the millions he had managed to acquire from the bank over the years whilst he was building up a tremendous speed for a good crash.

Goodwin, who has taken an up-front payment of nearly £3 million from his overgenerous pension pot "to meet the odd household expense", was seemingly unfazed by all the fuss about the bank’s crash and the wrecked lives of shareholders, staff and customers.

Speaking from the Maldives – to which he had flown in his personal jet – ‘to get away from it all’, Goodwin remarked, “I am not a bitter man, although I have good cause to be.

"If I could have stayed at RBS, I would be hauling in a good £4 million per year basic and I have now had to kiss goodbye to all that! I have told the wife that there is now every chance that I will have to give up the yacht".

Goodwin's maritime run-around, named "Thank you Darling" (believed to be a reference to the Chancellor) was built for him on the Clyde at a cost of £5 million.

Disconsolately, he sipped his Chateau Lafite Rothschild Pauillac 1996 straight from the bottle via his diamond-encrusted golden straw and mused that he could only thank the lord that he had been able to stash away so much money in the good years, since he was now looking at a very bleak future in which he would be forced to keep going on a paltry pension of just £703,000 a year.

However, the millions he had managed to salt away over the ten years at the wheel of RBS provided consoling thoughts …….until the doughty Roundup reporter, who had rowed out from Lamorna for the interview, broke the shock news of his summons before the Relubbus courts.

CHAVVY CADS BEATEN BY BUNTS!

Court Report
By our Legal Correspondent Horton “Gone or ‘ere?” Polkinghorne

Morvah Pendennis (17) and Dennis Penmorvran (18) both of Colinsey Road, Treneere, Penzance are pictured here in jovial mood prior to their court appearance.

They appeared today before Chief Justice Mr Caxter Bunt at Relubbus Central Court on charges of breaking and entry, attempted burglary and of ‘interfering’ with Doris, the pet Llama kept by Mr Cadfael Bunt (58), a farmer with small holdings at Lower Bostraze.

The prosecution, led by Miss Fanny Bunt, maintains that, under cover of darkness, the pair gained entry into Mr Bunt’s house and made their way upstairs. The police report recorded that the boys, one of whom, Dennis, likes to call himself Goky and who dresses as a girl, admitted that “we woz lookin’ fer jewels.”

It is at this point that the stories of Mr Bunt and the boys sharply diverge.

The boys’ story continues thus. Hearing strange noises emanating from a room displaying the name ‘Doris’, the boys became curious and slowly opened the door on to a dim candle-lit scene.

The candle, described by Morvah as “one o’ they rude-shaped ones”, gave off a sickly overpowering smell, but did little to illuminate the room. Pink seemed to be the predominant colour of all fixtures and fittings.

Mr Bunt had his back turned to the boys and seemed to be wearing a blue nightshirt pulled up around his waist. Groaning occasionally, his knees bent regularly in a rhythmic dipping motion.

Doris, who was dolled up to the nines in pink apparel, stood directly in front of Mr Bunt and similarly had her back to the boys as well as to Mr Bunt. The picture on the left is taken from Mr Bunt's website, "Loving Llamas".

Doris made a strange snuffing sound from time to time. A Lonny Donegan hit, “Diggin’ my potatoes” from 1956 on the Decca label, was playing on the radiogram. The boys had intruded upon a very self-absorbed scene.

Opening the door a little wider caused it to squeak loudly. Mr Bunt pulled back from whatever activity he was engaged in and turned round, whereupon the boys realised that he had blacked up as though in preparation for an appearance on the Black and White Minstrel Show.

For overseas readers who may not know it, The Black and White Minstrel Show is a hugely popular TV show, which can be viewed on Relubbus Television at 6.55 pm on Saturdays - next Saturday's special star guest is Barack Obama!!).

Bunt ran to an interconnecting door to another room, ripped it open, went inside and slammed the door behind him. Doris, clearly upset by the commotion, began to make a mess on the floor.

The boys heard demented cries from the other room: “My bleddy brother’s a judge - you say anything about this and you buggers’ll go to jail!!”

Quickly perceiving that an evening of gentle light crime might entail more than a few difficulties for them, the pair bolted down the stairs to make good their escape, closely followed by Bunt, who by now was waving a loaded shotgun in the air.

Miss Fanny Bunt, for the prosecution, gives a completely different account and maintains that her cousin, Mr Cadfael Bunt, was fast asleep in his bed when the pair arrived.

Doris, who is just one of his Llamas, had been feeling under the weather. He was concerned for her and decided to bring her into the house, so that he could keep a better eye on her.

Mr Bunt’s wife, Doris, had died some three years before but he had kept her things and thought that he would make the Llama – coincidentally also called Doris – extra comfortable by dressing her up in some of Doris’s things. This he had done and had repaired to bed.

He was awoken some while later by shouting and bleating and peered into Doris’ room to find a scene of chaos. He maintains that one of the boys was holding Doris steady, whilst the other was “shagging’ ‘er senseless”. He grabbed his shotgun and drove them off.

The police, led by Chief Inspector Colin Bunt (known to his colleagues as Bolin) said that they had found undeniable DNA evidence that one of the boys had been engaged as his cousin, Mr Cadfael Bunt, had maintained. This DNA evidence had afterwards sadly gone missing, but Mr Justice Caxter Bunt said that he was more than happy to rely on the good word of the Relubbus Police.

Mr Cadfael Bunt’s computer was afterwards found to be full of pornographic photos involving llamas and Mr Caxter Bunt fully accepted Mr Colin Bunt’s assertion that these ‘obnoxious photos’ had been placed there by the two boys to put the police off the scent.

Listening to all the evidence, Mr Justice Caxter Bunt stated that he had been horrified by the details of this case and that he had no hesitation in ‘sending down’ the two boys for a minimum of 35 years each. His sole regret was that the option of capital punishment or, at the very least, transportation to the colonies for life was no longer open to him.

Very pleased with the outcome, Mr Cadfael Bunt extended an invitation to Mr Justice Bunt, Miss Fanny Bunt and Mr Colin Bunt to join him and Doris for a slap-up family dinner that evening to celebrate.

The picture on the left shows some of the Bunts featured in this story. On the extreme left is Lavinia Nudd, a family friend. At the back are Cadfael and Caxter and in the front are Colin and Fanny.

As they were taken away to face a long sentence in the dreaded Prospidnick jail, the two boys yelled out “ You lot are nothing but a bunch o’….”, but their words faded away.

RELUBBUS LATEST NEWS IN BRIEF

Prospidnick man gives birth to Octuplets!!

By our medical correspondent, Ivor Kneebone

The recent news of an Oregon man being five months pregnant has been totally eclipsed by the shock news of a Prospidnick man giving birth to 8 children - thirty years ago!
Pictured on the left with their 8 - now grown-up - children are, seated, Jeremy, 62, (on the left) and Daniel, 71, Ladner. Jeremy employs all his 7 sons in his undertaking business, whilst his husband, Daniel, and their daughter, William, rear budgerigars (free range, of course!) for consumption in Jamie Oliver's restaurants.

Since "things were difficult fer people like we in them days", Daniel dressed as a woman throughout their whole marriage - and still does.

Jeremy puts down their unique success in bringing octuplets to the world in a same sex relationship to the peculiar strength of some home-grown fertility drugs, which he developed in the mortuary.

Their children have adapted well to the shock news - as tallest son, Nathaniel said, "I allus thought 't was funny maither was called Daniel, now we all duh knaw why."

Top Eating House opens in Boswedden Lane

by our cullinary correspondent, Morwenna Dollop

Fine dining has always been possible in Boswedden Lane, with celebrity chefs competing with one another to secure catering space in this top address. Now, in a desperate attempt to plug a gap in their outreach to the dining cognoscenti of Relubbus (the likes of W G Trevaskis and R C Oates) the Savoy has spent tens of millions to acquire a prime site in Boswedden Lane and, thereby, to complete their palette of offerings to the rich and famous, by plugging this very obvious gap in Relubbus.

The Savoy's new premises are pictured on the left and will be familiar to all as Mrs Polkinghorne's Pasty Shop (left door) and (right door) Lefty Bennet's Speakeasy and Old-time Pissoire.

Accordingly, one location, famous for the production of high quality pasties, and an adjacent location, famous for both the consumption and expulsion of intoxicating liquids, have merged to become the location of high price consumption of the finest foods.

Courtroom Dramas in Relubbus

by legal Correspondent, Barry Stir

Relubbus Divorce Court was the scene of high tension and of passionate outbursts as the celebrity couple, Dickie Trembath (31), and his wife, Lisbet (29) fought over a financial settlement to mark an end to their ill-starred union. Dickie, a much feted conductor, who learnt his craft with Western National Bus Company, before joining the prestigious Relubbus Philharmonic Orchestra, has become rich working on the international music scene, where he immediately achieved notoriety by using his trade-mark ticket machine instead of the customary baton.
Lisbet started her glittering career as a dental nurse, before she became a gossip columnist, initially feeding the public with gems of information picked up in surgery. She has been a controversial journalist, who, more than once, has been accused of making up the news - most famously when she claimed a scoop involving the English Heritage/Scottish Prime Minister Gordon Brown (117) and champion Russian tractor driver Ludmilla Hamsterovna (84).

Almost as an illustration of how pathetically mundane the "apparent" causes of marital breakdown can be, Lisbet accused her husband of excessive snoring and farting - to the extent that she claimed that it was necessary for her to wear breathing apparatus at night.

For his part, Dickie was having none of it. Nervously winding his ticket machine - always fully loaded and never far from him - he delivered his counter-accusations in his familiar tremulous falsetto stutter, "That bleddy bitch been 'avin' an affair wi' that weirdo 'Landshark' and 'is doggin pals up Madron Carn".

Justice Tregarthen-Bolitho, the child prodigy judge, who is only aged 12 and always attends court in the company of his mother, played seemingly absent-mindedly with his trainset while accusation and counter-accusation flew around the courtroom. Then at 2.30 pm, when one of his favourite TV programmes was about to start, he cooly adjusted his wig and suspended proceedings until the next day.

Lisbet was afterwards seen by this writer heading off towards Madron Carn in the company of various gentlemen of doubtless dubious reputation, whilst her husband pursued her in the back of a chauffeur-driven Ford Anglia with darkened windows, whilst the sound of a manically turned ticket machine slowly faded into the distance.

Issue 7, 16th July 2007

INTERNATIONAL NEWS
SITUATION "VERY TENSE" ON HAYLE BORDER
by Foreign Correspondent Chester Minute

The long-running border dispute between Greater Relubbus and the People's Republic of Hayle has flared up again, after a bellicose speech by firebrand Relubbus Councillor Billy Spargo. Addressing the Relubbus Foreign Relations Committee, he asserted that the new border established after the 1968 "4-Day War" unfairly penalized Relubbus, by ceding to Hayle vast acres of land traditionally regarded as being part of Greater Relubbus. In particular, he said, Polglaze's dairy farm had been seized by the Haylors and shamefully turned into a "theme park", known as "Merlin's Magical Land".

The disputed area is shown in yellow in the map.

Councillor Spargo went on to claim that several Hayle businesses owned by Relubbusites had been fire-bombed. It was time, he said, to take action to protect Relubbus citizens resident in Hayle.

Last night, an armoured column of Relubbus Waste Disposal Trucks (WDTs) was seen moving towards the border. The WDTs are shown left, at their base at Relubbus's Camp Xray, prior to departure.

On the Hayle side, all army leave has been cancelled and reservists have been called up. It is rumoured that the Republic's crack troops, the 1st Hayle Alpine Brigade (shown below), are dug in close to the border.


Meanwhile, frantic diplomatic efforts are being made to avoid catastrophe. It is understood that Lower Gwavas, the current chair of the Union of Kernow States, is desperately trying to broker a last-minute deal between the opposing sides.

The next few days will tell whether it's to be peace or war. The Roundup will bring you all the news as it happens!





SCOOP OF THE DAY: GEORGE AND SPARGO IN SLANGING MATCH!
By Political Editor Loveday Olds

Shoppers in Simpsons of Penzance were treated to some unexpected entertainment when Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader, Billy Spargo (shown on the left, below), happened upon the Westminster MP for the St Ives Division, Andrew George (shown right, below), in the shop. Naturally, the Roundup was there and is able to report the spat verbatim.

Billy was in quest of a new headscarf for his Enty May’s birthday. "Nothun too speshul, something fer everyday, you duh knaw!"

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed George skulking in the shadows in a desperate attempt to escape his gaze. The two men have long been known to be bitter enemies and George has often had to suffer the venom of Spargo’s acid tongue.

Mr Spargo regards the Westminster Parliament, in which Mr George seeks to represent the interests of the West Penwith community, as a useless relic from the recent past. According to Spargo, his Relubbus supporters, and growing numbers around Cornwall, the true interests of Kernow go unaddressed by most of the political institutions of today, with the notable exception of the GRUC.

Regarded by many outsiders as just another part of England, Cornwall - or Kernow -- was once a country with its own unique and proud traditions, culture, customs, practice, and language, having more in common with Brittany than Devon. These unique badges of nationality have not entirely disappeared, but have merely dimmed, and in the hearts of many a Spargo, Clemo, or Jago the embers of nationhood await no more than the soft hush of the breath of recognition to be fanned into flames. In a man like Spargo, the flames are already burning bright and his passion is palpable to all. To his followers, the legitimacy of his position on the "Cornish question" is unquestionable and much more securely founded than that of George, a mere footsoldier in Westminster.

The following exchange took place:

Spargo: "'Ere, George, ‘sthat you over there lurkin’?"

George: "Oh hello, Mr Spargo, what a pleasant surprise -- I didn’t see you there!"

Spargo: "Call yerself Cornish? Whaddyou doin fer we up London? We wanna shut down the border and pack in all this London politickin' mullarkey. ‘Ome rule fer the whole of Cornwall, jes like we got now fer Relubbus -- th’s what we duh want."

George: "Mr Spargo, if you would just give me the chance to explain my position... I really am trying to do my best for the people of this region. I would be most grateful to have the chance of coming to Relubbus to address the council... "

Spargo: "I aren’t listening to any o’ this rubbish and I can tell ee something else too. Relubbus idden gonna pay any more subsidies to either London or Brussels. We are withdrawin’ all fundin' as of now."

George: "But Mr Spargo, the European Union will collapse and the London government cannot function without the generous subsidies Relubbus has been paying."

Spargo: "Old yer tongue, boy -- I ebben finished yet. Relubbus is removin' all its forces from NATO too!"

George: (After stoney silence) "Splutter... Cough... Cough! Please, Mr Spargo... are you joking?"

Spargo: "NO, I AREN’T!"

Whereupon, Mr Spargo turned on his heel and left without a further word -- leaving Mr George dazed and speechless.
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ROY ORBISON SPOTTED IN KWIKSAVE
As reported in the last edition of the Roundup, Roy Orbison, the famed American singer/songwriter who is seldom out of the Relubbus Top Ten, is planning a "comeback" world tour -- and he has chosen Relubbus as the venue for the UK leg of the tour. Indeed, Roy has been so impressed by the passion and loyalty of his Relubbus fans that he will play not one but two gigs in the city; and Relubbus will have the distinction of hosting the first and the last of the tour concerts.

Roy (shown above posing for surprised fans in Hayle Kwiksave last week), is currently paying his second visit to Relubbus in as many months, as he finalizes details of the tour.

Councillor Billy Spargo confirmed last night that, in a special deal arranged by himself, the Relubbus Methodist Hall had been booked for both gigs. To cater for the expected huge demand for tickets it was planned to bring in extra folding chairs from the WI, he said. Quizzed about ticket prices, Councillor Spargo said that they would "reflect the stellar nature of the talent on show and the huge logistical difficulties in bringing the "Big O" to Relubbus". "If people want tuh see 'un they'll 'ave tuh cough up!" he said.
Mozart -- alive and well and living in Marazion!
The international music world was set ablaze with wild excitement -- and near disbelief -- at the shock news that Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart -- formerly, but erroneously, believed to have died in 1791 -- is in fact alive and well and still at work in Marazion. Mr Mozart claims to have retired from the scorching glare of international superstar publicity and to have retired long ago for the peace, quiet and obscurity of rural life in 18th century Cornwall, since when he has continued to thrive in good health, living under the assumed name of Dickie Trembath.

The picture on the left shows Mr Mozart at the tender age of 21 and was, as Mr Trembath says, "taken" in 1777. "Photeegraphs wadden too good back in them days ", he maintains.

Mr Mozart was known as a musical child prodigy and is considered by many to have been one of the greatest ever composers of classical music -- and he displayed equal talents in performance. Mr Trembath, as he now likes to be called, comments "Es, I could knock up a good tune in them days!" Today he plays no other instrument than the spoons, but does so with astounding dexterity and with considerable accomplishment, a regular favourite being the Cornish song "Goin up Camborne ‘ill".

Mr Trembath has disappointed many of his German acolytes by his refusal to converse with them in German, leading some critics to conclude that his claim to be the musical maestro is false. Mr Trembath is quite affronted at such suggestions, maintaining with vigour that "anyone what do say that I aren’t Mozart is a bleddy liar and is goin to get ‘is face smashed in!"

Mr Trembath is pictured on the left playing a shortened version of his Symphony Number 40, which sounds curiously like "Trelawny".

Despite vicious claims that Mr Trembath is making this story up in order to improve his currently parlous financial circumstances, he maintains that all is true. The experts continue to investigate and the Roundup will continue to report!



Ponce escapes from Barncoose
It is reported that Relubbus ex-actress and male impersonator Diadora Ponce has absconded from the Barncoose Secure Home for Terminally Confused Ex-Actresses and Male Impersonators. Last month, Ponce convinced shoppers in Relubbus TESCO's that she was none other than Roy Orbison, the legendary American singer who died in 1988. (Reuters).
RELUBBUS TOP TEN July 2007

1. The Great Pretender The Platters
2. My Way Frank Sinatra
3. San Francisco (Be Sure To Wear Some Flowers In Your Hair) Scott MCKenzie
4. A Hard Day's Night Beatles
5. Brown-eyed 'Ansom Man Buddy Holly
6. Blue Bayou Roy Orbison
7. A Whiter Shade of Pale Procul Harum
8. Brand New Key Melanie
9. Dancing Queen Abba
10. In The Mood Glen Miller

HUSTLE'S REVENGE: defrocked Parish Council Chairman Returns To Terrorise Relubbus
By Court Correspondent John Willie Polkinghorne, at Relubbus Crown Court
As reported in an earlier edition of the Roundup, boy-racer Derek Hustle (63) was sacked as Chairman of Wellwhit Parish Council on the Isle of Wight, after being convicted of speeding at Relubbus Magistrates' Court.

In Relubbus Crown Court yesterday, the jury was told that Hustle was so incensed by this turn of events that he returned to Relubbus, intent on revenge. The prosecution alleged that his intention was to "spread fear and confusion among the population, by driving down the High Street at speeds in excess of 30 mph."

In evidence, P.C. Obed Carne said:

"'Ee wuz goin' down the 'igh Street even faster than las' time. I clocked 'un at 33 mph. 'Ee was wearin' one o' they 'ats with the peak at the back, drivin' one-'anded, an' makin' gestures an' shouting abuse out o' the window."

Hustle's solicitor said that this time he could offer little in the way of mitigation, adding that, in his opinion, Hustle was a "depraved character" and "a thoroughly bad man" who deserved to go down for a considerable period.

Mr Justice Bolitho-Baraganaweth evidently agreed, as he sentenced Hustle to serve a minimum of 15 years in Bodmin gaol. "The public must be protected", he said, "from renegade Parish Council Chairmen!"

Hustle was unrepentant as he was led away (disguised as a woman) to begin his sentence.

After the hearing, Hustle's wife, Lynne (28), said: "Derek has really done it this time. I stood by him last time, but I just can't bear the shame any more."

Mrs Hustle was led away in tears by Relubbus Council Chairman Billy Spargo, who had attended court to see justice done. As they left, he placed a comforting arm around her shoulder. It is understood that he is acting as Mrs Hustle's agent in negotiations with the Roundup for the rights to serialize the story of her tempestuous life with Hustle. Order the next Roundup now!

JOURNEY DOWN EMBASSY ROW
This week, the Roundup takes a peek at what is going on inside the Japanese Embassy in Relubbus.

At No.4 Pridden lane in Relubbus is the luxurious, rambling edifice that is the Japanese Embassy. Here, as the personal representative of the Emperor in Relubbus, is the Ambassador, His Excellency Xaibatsu Kotsuhiro, his charming wife, Michiko, and their little boy, Nagasaki.

Mr Kotsuhiro believes it is essential that the "Japanese" quality of the embassy and its inhabitants should be preserved, and consequently everyone must wear Japanese national dress at all times. Fish ‘n’ chips are not allowed more than once a week. However, the family does try to play a full part in local Cornish life.

Mrs Kotsuhiro has joined the Relubbus Young Farmers’ Women’s Club, in which she is known as ‘Kyoto Kate’, in order to protect Cornish palates from having to negotiate complex Japanese vowels. Little Nagasaki attends the local Cornish Nationalist Primary School, in which he is a regular playtime favourite as the Japanese soldier, and then prisoner, in the ever-popular war game "Get the Nip".

When he gets a spare moment from the permanently-taxing negotiations with the Greater Relubbus Urban Council’s Foreign Relations Committee (GRUCFRC), the Ambassador takes part in car maintenance evening classes in nearby Goldsithney. Mr Kotsuhiro, who does not speak English, comments "Gou ni itte wa, gou ni shitagae" . Zakky Rosewarne, Translator-in-Chief for the GRUCFRC, stated "it is s'posed to be something about ‘When in Rome, do as the Romans’, but I’m a bit worried by that last word, which has definitely got 'shit' in it".

Regardless of the formulation of words, it is clear from the nods of the head and the frequent smiles that the whole Kotsuhiro family, despite having no English, is making every effort to fit in. The only two words in English that the Kotsuhiros possess are "Proper Job", which goes down very well in Cornwall. However, alone amongst the Relubbus diplomatic community, the Kotsuhiros have made good attempts to master Cornish and can be heard chattering away in simple Cornish amongst themselves, politely enquiring after each other's health ("Fatla genes?"), and eagerly responding "Yn poynt da, meur rasta", and so on.

Loveday Jacka, of the Cornish for World Language Society (COWLS), believes that the support of the Japanese could be vital in securing the position of Cornish as the new UN-preferred global language. We shall see, but, for now, say "Sayonara" to the Kosuhiros.
LONELY HEARTS THAT YEARN FOR YOU!
Bamshad al akbar al St Erth (31) is a shy retiring man, now on the lookout for a wife. Bamshad is a member of an extreme Methodist community that has its headquarters in Tregeseal. He has a steady job at the Warrens Pasty factory in St Just, where he deploys his skills in crimping and egg-washing at the end of the production conveyor belt.

Bamshad is very fond of making souffles, at which he assures us he is a dab hand. He is a member of the Pendeen triangle quintet and is also the reigning conkers champion of West Penwith. A committed environmentalist, he has spent the last 10 years building his own house, which has been assembled entirely from beach pebbles and sheep dung.

Bamshad is looking for a woman who will appreciate his quiet, but manly, approach to life. He would especially like to meet someone who is seriously into home baking. If you think that you are Bamshad’s ideal girl, then Box 3047 is the one for you.

"Terry", as he likes to be called is not really from St Ives at all. In fact, he is from another dimension. He zapped into our world by mistake and has been trapped here ever since.

Since he arrived (in 1503) Terry has tried to fit into the local community as best he can. He claims to be 46,587 years old in Earth terms, but sadly in all that time (including 504 years on our planet) he has never had a relationship with a female (of any species).

Terry completely supports the Gordon Brown idea of an integrated Britain celebratory and inclusive of all its inhabitants (particularly him!). He has a good, regular job as a scarecrow on a farm near Nancledra and has built a hut on the top field there. To make his idyll complete, he needs -- at long last -- the love of a good Cornishwoman.

Terry plays the bazurmekkekek (an instrument from his home planet, which he was playing at the time he zapped in here). He assures us that the music is beautiful, but it is sadly inaudible to human ears.

Not able to speak, Terry is a fantastic telepath -- yes, it really works! Unfortunately, he possesses no genitalia, but hopes that this will prove no problem to a woman with a loving heart. If that is you, then Box 5629 is the one for you.

The Roundup does not discriminate against anyone on the grounds of race, religion, sexual orientation, or indeed on any basis. For this reason, we have not shrunk from accepting the following advert.

Madeleine and Tommy Roskilly of Treverven are in their late nineties and have been married since they were 18, never once straying from one another. Now growing conscious that the day when the Grim Reaper will call is stealing up on them, they have decided that they would like to "experiment".

They would like to meet a young Cornish couple who are both 18 -- like they once were- so that they can, in "swopsies", experience the physical passion and youthful vigour that was once theirs.

It would be helpful if one, or both, of the young couple were to have some medical experience.

As they have no bath or shower, Madeleine and Tommy would prefer to meet for their trysts at the other couple’s home, so that they could experience a bath or shower afterwards. Write to Box 3498 if you think that you meet the bill.

Parrasmus Pascoe (age unknown) is on the lookout for love. A night worker, he finds it difficult to meet and get to know young ladies.

Although he has taken a Cornish name, Parrasmus is not from these parts and speaks slowly and deliberately in an accent that would seem to hint at an East European origin. He enjoys the cold and abhors light. He does not talk much and seems to have no family. He does display some fondness towards the pet bats and rats that share his home.

Parrasmus is honest about his foul breath problem, but very cagey about just what it is that he does at night. He knows that he is something of a challenge, but believes that there must be many young women out there who would like a man that is different. Box 4561 is the one to go for.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!

THE SOUND OF MUSIC

starring JULIE ANDREWS, CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER, and RICHARD HAYDN


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.








YOUR STARS, with Japanese mystic Yamada Taro
We regret to have to report that, owing to unforeseen circumstances, the Swami Bhindra Conumdrum is unable to provide a horoscope this week -- or indeed ever again. In a curious and unfortunate co-incidence, while he was providing cover last week for Maurice Labalge, who had had a serious and completely unforeseen accident, he himself was accidentally injured -- fatally. Our thoughts are with the Swami’s family and friends.

However, we are pleased to announce that Mr Yamada Taro, a bric-a-brac salesman and fortune-teller from Tokyo, currently on holiday here in Newlyn and resident at the Tolcarne Inn, has very kindly stepped into the breach to provide us with forecasts, which he has produced with the aid of his Japanese/Engrish phrasebook!

Aries Banzai! How much dat cost, prease? I would rike to buy a pair of shoes. Dat bird have got no feathers. So sorry! Thank you!

Taurus Prease may I have one ice rorry? Toiret in my room do not frush properry. Also paper getting very row. I rike Cornish pasties very much -- they are dericious. Cor, take a rook at dat dorry bird!

Gemini Prease may I have new right burb. One in toiret not work proper. Banzai and so sorry!

Cancer Rittle seagurr just dropped pire of shit on shoulder -- dat mean very good ruck! You very rucky person.

Reo I know dat smoking not now good, but prease may I have one right for cigarette? Banzai! Your rady friend have nice knockers! You rucky man! Terevision not work in TV rounge -- dat not good.

Virgo Prease may I have one pint of rager? Orso rarge packet of peanuts. Thank you oh so much! Banzai! Ornamentar garden is beautiful and rook rovery with rirries! Remind me of gardens back hone in Nippon. Prease terr me where I can buy new pair of crean underpants? Banzai!

Ribra The rising sun bathe da whole worrd in rovery right! Dat wonderful! Banzai! Down at harbour, the ruggers set off for open sea to catch da fresh fish we rove so much arso in Nippon. As you might guess, I particurrary fond of nice piece of ring. Dat crock wrong! It not ereven o’ crock yet!

Scorpio Rittre ries can catch us out! Banzai! Prease may I have another srice of hogs pudding? It taste especiarry rovery! Where is pubric toiret, prease? I need to take a srash! Thank you for being so kind -- prease come see me in Nippon!
Sagittarius Prease, the erevator is broken and I get very right-headed on the stairs. May I say dat your wife got rearry nice regs! Wow! She what we call in Nippon a right rooker! Do you serve rice wine with the fish and chips?

Capricorn I would rike to go to the zoo to see the rions and erephants. Anteropes arso great favourite -- to eat as werr in Nippon! On Karaoke, may I sing "Ive got a rovery bunch of coconuts?" Banzai!

Aquarius Dey say dat it is better to have roved and rost dan never to have roved at all! Banzai! True dat! I rive arone in my shop. I hoping to meet rovery woman stir, who wirr rive wiv me and we rive rong rife togevver. Prease, may I have another rager with rice wine chaser prease? Dis rager broody good!

Pisces The rast is the best! Banzai! Make dat another rager with rice wine prease! It just srips down the throat. I am getting werr oired, as you say in Engrish! I fink dat Cornwarr is rovery prace. I want marry rovery Cornish girr and she come back in Tokyo wive me -- rive in shop! Banzai ! Sor sorry One more rager prease!

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• SPARGO SAYS PAKISTAN EMBASSY "TOO BIG": Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner reports.

• EXCLUSIVE: identity of royal con-man revealed! Society Correspondent Rendell Janner reports.

• Mousehole Girls Do Us Proud: Arts Correspondent Rendell Janner reviews the controversial new nude production of South Pacific.

• PC Trembath in trouble again! Crime Correspondent Rendell Janner takes a look at the unorthodox methods of Relubbus's maverick crime-buster!

• Up Chapel: our Religious Affairs Correspondent, Ayatollah Osama Bin Trezidder, reports on the latest Methodist jihad.

• Down Pendrawartha's: Senior Citizen Correspondent Rendall Janner visits Pendrawartha's Home for the Elderly.

• Over 'Arry's: Crime Correspondent Rendell Janner reports on the chipshop war!
  

• In School: Education Correspondent Rendell Janner investigates the unusual methods of controversial headmaster James Bovenna.

• Inside the Indian Embassy: Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner continues his series on the Relubbus diplomatic community.

• Poetry Corner: Literary Editor Emily Bindweed discovers the source of boy-phenomenon Philip Trudgeon's talent.
  

• 'Oos dead? Our ever-popular Obituaries section.
  

• And much, much more!