By our celebrity and psychiatric correspondent, Professor Doktor Heinrich Pfeifentabak
The Professor Doktor is renowned as a therapist (NOT, he insists, as "the rapist”), who provides much needed help to the fragile egos of the rich and famous, who can afford his, frankly exorbitant, fees.
It is therefore no surprise that his clientele is drawn from such hotbeds of affluent celebrity as the Pacific Palisades, Hollywood and Bel Air in Los Angeles, as well as from the even more upmarket Boswedden Lane in Relubbus, Pengersick Lane in Germoe, and the sumptuous beachside villas of Praa Sands.
In this article, he draws on his intimate acquaintance with the world of celebrity to give his ‘top tips’ on the contenders for this year’s “Personality of the Year” Award, which is presented by the committee of the Relubbus Lesbian Underwater Knitters’ and Wrestlers’ Association.
Insiders will not be surprised at the Professor’s first choice, which is that of the ‘Marazion Bookends’, a gay Marazion couple, who have made enormous strides – and sacrifices – to further the physical practice of gay love, which they have made available to the general public in their Christmas book from Long Rock Publications entitled “What’s your bent? The Third Sex – in our own words”.
The pair, Leonard Cock (51) on the left and Dick Head (48) on the right, are both butchers, who met whilst attending a seven month “Know your meat” course at the St Buryan Higher Institute Fer Meat Slicing and Sausage-making four years ago. Says Leonard, “It was love at first sight. As soon as I’d seen ov un, I knew ‘ee was the one!”.
Dick was even more direct in his words, which, for legal reasons, cannot be reproduced here.
Professor Pfeifentabak says, “Zeir exact mapping of ze precise topography of same-sex matings defies belief. If you put zis togezzer viz ze astounding quality of zeir pork sausages, you must be on a vinner!”
There is little doubt in the correctness of Pfeifentabak’s selection for bravest politician of the year. Sylvia Burlesque-Only’s tragic hair loss is a story with which men the world over can sympathise and empathise.
This shy and retiring miniscule Italian (now still only 41 according to his press profile, but who began losing his hair 39 years ago!) was obliged to meet world leaders wearing a handkerchief on his head to hide the stridently obvious emergency repairs to his rapidly disappearing thatch. He was only able to bear this enormous humiliation by taking absurdly strong ‘happy’ drugs, topped up with regular swigs from Bolster’s Blood from Driftwoods Spars’ Brewery from St Agnes in Kernow. With tears in his eyes, Signor Burlesque-Only said, “I no wanna be a baldie! I’m a too younga for that!”
The state of hair loss proved so grave that it was too much of a challenge even for the top surgeons of Italy and then Relubbus, which was the final port of call for Signor Burlesque-Only in his desperate quest for a new thatch.
Professor Doktor Pfeifentabak comments, “Zis poor man has hat to vear a a vig to cover up his hair loss and zat is a vig, vich can be spotted at a distance of 5 kilometres. Despite zis, ze Signor maintains a level of heppy jollity, vich is truly marvellous, ven everyvun is laughing et him!”
Pfeifentabak’s third hot tip for the top is legendary, but enigmatic, unconventional and, some say, highly controversial Relubbus sculptress Nellie Launder (34). Nellie is shown here playing her favourite ‘ball-less golf’, which has the great advantages that it can be played indoors as well as outdoors and it also involves no walking.
Nellie’s works can be viewed throughout Cornwall and also abroad, where many of her ‘pieces’ have been acquired by those fortunate few with the right sort of money. However, she started from humble beginnings.
A graduate of Skudjick Secondary School many years ago, Nellie’s early career was spent in Toppers Hairdressing Salon in Godolphin Road in Long Rock, where 7 years of dedicated application led to her assuming the exalted position of ’junior’. It was her role to ask customers if they were doing anything interesting for the weekend and to enquire whether they wanted a cup of tea or coffee.
This involvement led to her sculptural experimentation with tea leaves and hair. Throwing out a heap of such stuff one day, she was accosted by a passing Tory toff millionaire, Old Etonian, David Cameron, who asked her what she would take for ‘her creation’.
Nellie, not being the cleverest or quickest, did not respond immediately, whereupon the fool Cameron kept on upping the price until he reached the mind-boggling (for Nellie!) sum of £700,000. Then she agreed the sale and, finally catching on, also agreed to deliver such ‘works’ to Cameron and his loaded pals on a daily basis. She has never looked back.
Says Pfeifentabak, “Zis young lady has unremarkable substances taken and she hes made zem completely remarkable. She is a great artist!!"
Pfeifentabak’s last tip is the Relubbus Renaissance man himself, Dougie Bosvargoe (35). Nature has displayed great partiality in loading one person with so many gifts.
Bosvargoe is known as a cross-dressing heart surgeon at the famed Prospidnick American Hospital; as a xylophonist of international reputation; as a master of lower Algonquian poetry and also as a Western National bus driver on the Penzance St Ives route.
Pfeifentabak comments, “Zat vun men should so many abilities hev, is not fair! My money must be on zis last top tip!!"
Results will be published in the Roundup next week.
PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR 2008
GERMOE WORLD PREMIERE OF INNOVATIVE GERMAN PLAY
By Theatrical Correspondent Tresco Angarrack
Germoe Arts Centre was the unlikely location for a world premiere of the latest work from the famous, but controversial, German dramatist, Wolfgang von Afterdingen.
The unusual nature of the event drew arts aficionados from around the world to witness Herr von Afterdingen's latest magnum opus.
The 54 year old dramatist, who hails from Itzehoe in Schleswig Holstein, has astounded and confounded critics around the globe with his innovative and challenging approach to modern theatre. His last work, which ran for 36 weeks in Berlin, and for one night in Camborne, was entitled Pflanzen, meaning "plants" in English.
All the parts in this dialogue-free piece were played by plants. The central role was taken by a rubber plant, called Hans. Hans was flanked by two cut daffodils (which had to be changed nightly), called Gabi and Klaus. The play was divided into 7 indistinguishable acts of 30 minutes each. The full effect of the play was devastatingly powerful, unrelieved as it was by any movement, music or dialogue.
Von Afterdingen fans, reared on such exotic fare, were salivating at the prospect of yet further offerings of dramatic innovation from the great man. He did not disappoint them!
Pictured above is the man known as the "volcano of drama", Wolfgang von Afterdingen himself, as he appeared yesterday in the Germoe Arts Centre in his latest work, entitled Gebackene Bohnen, or "Baked Beans" in English. He is the only actor in this play, which continuing a theme that is becoming something of a trademark for his work, contains almost no dialogue whatever.
The play has one act only and it lasts "as long as it needs to" according to von Afterdingen. The great man is put on a diet of nothing but baked beans for a week. He then takes the stage. The curtain goes up. He is seated in his chair, looking a little strained. He announces "Ich habe gebackene Bohnen gegessen!", which means "I have eaten baked beans", though he does not believe that a translation is necessary.
He resumes his seat, and then, with many a pained expression, produces a series of trumpeting farts. When, at last, he is out of wind, the play is over. Yesterday's performance lasted for one and a half hours.
When the great man had concluded and left the stage, the audience was, at first, stunned. When full realisation of the great man's originality dawned, the audience slowly but surely broke out into thunderous applause. The great man, tired from his exertions, did return to the stage, but explained that he was not able to perform an encore.
The rapturous reception from all three of the audience has ensured that the play will run and run at Germoe and there is now even talk of a transfer to the Madron Scout Hut.
Tickets for the play are available from Mavis Pengelly's Sauna and Massage Parlour at Germoe at a price of only £35 each. Readers are advised to rush to get their tickets now so as not to be disappointed.
