In a firm and daring break with the past, the Relubbus Intelligence Agencies, known as LI5 and LI6, have contacted the Relubbus Roundup in order to attract new members of staff. In the past, recruitment to these mysterious, much-feared and highly secretive agencies was made by personal approach only.
No ordinary citizens have been able to gain entry to their formidable building situated on the River Lowen on the outskirts of Relubbus towards Prospidnick.
LI 5 (Local Intelligence 5 or sometimes just ‘five’) is concerned with identifying and containing threats within Relubbus, working closely with the Relubbus police.
LI 6 (also known as the Very Secret Intelligent Service (VSIS) or ‘six’) conducts all operations outside Relubbus and frequently works closely with the officers of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council Foreign Relations Committee (GRUCFRC).
Both agencies come under the direct control of one ‘Donkey’ Clemo, who can, according to his wife’s recent surprise and quickly removed entry in Facebook, frequently be found drinking in the Bath Inn, Penzance (pictured left). ‘Donkey’ is the only known name amongst the employees of the agencies.
Six new recruits – three for each agency – will be required in this year’s intake. The rewards for getting through the arduous selection process are well worthwhile.
Trainee spies are given a generous starting salary of £9,500, rising to £10,500 in little over 15 years.
Each spy receives a free notebook and pencil. They also receive an overcoat with large lapels and a trilby hat (as on the left)to help avoid being recognised.
Furthermore they are also equipped with a free pair of sunglasses.
However these are no 
ordinary sunglasses. These special ones (obtained from Bosher Thomas' sweetshop in Penzance) contain an earpiece and a microphone so that, once small enough batteries have been invented and can be fitted, clandestine conversations will be possible.
As a last ‘clinching’ inducement to sign up, all employees are given a special storecard, which entitles them each month to £30 worth of goods from RC Oates Very Basic Essentials range.
But, in order to earn this treasure trove of goodies, just what do the candidates have to be able to offer? A special sort of person is sought for Secret Service work and they must be able to demonstrate the following:
Linguistic Skills. ‘Goin down Newlyn’ or ‘over Newlyn’??!!! (pictured here in a beautiful 
photograph taken by an operayive of the Relubbus Secret Services).
An acute ear for correct Cornish Speech is imperative, if one is to be able to both blend in with the population and flush out spies.
(Only last year an English spy was stupid enough to get caught trying to go ‘down St Just’ from Penzance!!!!!)
Mobility. Candidates are required to be able to move around Cornwall both quickly and unobserved. They would be required to be able to recall the British Rail timetable for the WHOLE of Cornwall and to quote chapter and verse on all Western National Bus Schedules.
(In ‘six’, employees are working outside Cornwall and candidates should also be aware that they might be called upon to undertake a clandestine tour of service in hostile environments such as the People’s Republic of Hayle).
Practical tradecraft skills. For obvious reasons, not too much information is given out on this subject, but the following gives a flavour of required skills:
Ability to repair a bicycle puncture – without light – in the pitch dark.
Ability to be able to sneak up on people unobserved.
Ability to ‘take out’ the pencil and write detailed and coherent notes in the notebook – in all weathers - without being observed. Being able to accurately describe how people look, behave and smell.
Unarmed combat. Candidates should be able to give a convincing rendition of the traditional Cornish challenge “Lookin fer a smack in the mouth, areee?”
Candidates should be aware that, should they be successful, they will immediately be required to attend an intensive 2 day training course at a secret underground installation at Wheal Cock, near Botallack (pictured left). They should therefore turn up with a pasty large enough to sustain them for that period of time.
Anyone interested in joining the Relubbus Secret Services should report – in person – at 9.00 am sharp next Tuesday at the Benefit Offices next to Orlando Angove’s Pet Shop, 23, Boswedden Lane, Relubbus.
Candidates should ‘blend in’ with the waiting customers of the Benefits Office, but are advised to wear one brown and one black shoe to aid identification. (One legged applicants are asked to wear one white shoe.)
EVER THOUGHT OF BECOMING A SPY, AVEE?
SPOTLIGHT ON UNUSUAL RELUBBUS SOCIETIES
“If you are tired of Relubbus, you are tired of life”. Thus spake the venerable GRUC Chairman, Billy Spargo, (107) himself.
One way in which the words of His Inimitable Eminence can be found to be true is in the richness of Relubbus cultural life.
There are 4,576 different societies you can join in Greater Relubbus. The Roundup has been invited to put the spotlight on just a few of the most unusual clubs so as to project an accurate picture of the rich diversity of Relubbus life. If you want more information of any of these just phone the Roundup on Relubbus 212121.
GAY TANDEM RIDERS CLUB
Can you ride tandem? The Gay Tandem Riders Club has 135 members. They are all highly skilled in the handling of the tandem and present a merry sight when they process down Boswedden Lane on Pride Day.
As their numbers indicate, they are one man short, so if you fancy getting behind Denzil Trembath, he says there’s a place on his tandem for you!
Respecting new Relubbus diversity legislation, membership is now also open to non-gay couples.
WICCAN TOGETHERNESS
A common misconception about Wiccans is that they are all complete nutters. If that is what you think, then Ron and Doris Penberthy (a young married couple from Goldsithney, who like to call themselves 'The long and the short of Wicca') are just waiting to prove you wrong.
Undaunted by her powerful lisp, Doris gushed enthusiastically, “when me an Ron duh get ‘ome frum work, we duh put on the mystic smoke frum they incense things and then we duh ‘ava go at conjuring up things.
I made all the costumes myself and I’ll make up sum new ones fer all they people what duh want to join we after seein’ this ‘ere!”
YOUNG WOMEN’S UNDERWATER FARTING CLUB
Sub-aquan intestinal gas expulsion is a strenuous and demanding sport, which requires both self-control and great skill. However, when it is executed correctly (as demonstrated here by Rebecca Tonkin), it is both graceful and eye-catching.
The exclusive Relubbus young women’s Underwater Farting Club (UFC) limits its full membership to just six lucky young women and accordingly has a waiting list of 1,207 arranged in 6 categories of ascending competence.
When a vacancy occurs (there is an upper age limit of 23!), an audition is held amongst the top twenty in category one.
It may seem strange to apply to such an oversubscribed club, but it enjoys an inordinately high status and even the high category ‘waiters’ are often boastful about their position.
YOUNG MAN’S ANAL PYROTECHNIC CLUB
Don’t try this at home!!
This club, which is open to young men only, grew out of a dare following a heavy curry night amongst rugby fan friends.
The resultant displays were so impressive that the club was set up to hone the required skills.
Club captain, Dickie “blaster” Clemo is pictured here displaying his hallmark 5 minute ‘blaze’, an acknowledged record in anal pyrotechnics.
TREGAVARAH OPEN AIR TOILETEERS
Human history has, bar the last few thousand years been played out entirely in the open. It is therefore not surprising that some, such as Bert Prat of Heamoor, find it refreshing to be able to live out some of their lives in the open air.
Toileteering in the open air started off as an occasional pleasure for Bert, but now it is part of his daily life. To be able to sit out back, enjoy a bottle of beer, chat on the ‘phone to friends whilst performing a necessary and natural function “seems kinda right to me”, he says in his almost convincing American accent.
You are welcome to call round at Bert’s and try out outside toileteering for yourself.
If you like it, Bert will help you with the necessary plumbing and give you coaching in speaking with an American accent.
PROSPIDNICK YODELLING CLUB
Yodelling is an art most often associated with the Alpine regions, but many will be surprised to discover that it has long been practised in Prospidnick, which lies at the foot of towering snow-capped Mount Relubbus.
Ned Trezise, club leader, is a member of one of the oldest families in Prospidnick, who first came here from Africa around 12,000 years ago. Photographed here in mid-yodel, Ned will look forward to meeting anyone who would like to join the 600 strong club.
GOLDSITHNEY YOUNG NUDE MALE’S KNITTING CIRCLE
Lenny Wakfer (21) is so far the only, but very enthusiastic, member of this somewhat unusual club. It is open to any nude males in Goldsithney who have achieved high skill levels in knitting.
However, Lenny has pointed out that, should no one come forward, he would be happy to change the primary activity of the club to something a little more manly such as fishing or hang-gliding.
MRS TINK’S ICELANDIC FLOWER-ARRANGING CLASS
Gladys Tink would like to welcome anyone interested to attend a taster evening in her Icelandic flower-arranging class.
To those who might find this idea daunting, she points out that the flower-arranging is pretty much like flower-arranging anywhere, but she also admits that mastering the Icelandic does take a bit of hard work.
“It took me 14 years to get my conversational Icelandic up to scratch, but I find it so rewarding to be able to call my flowers by their proper Icelandic names and to be able to chat away about all the latest gossip. I can’t wait for others to join me!” (Mrs Tink does warn that her house sadly does not permit wheelchair access).
