MORGAWR HERALDS AUSPICIOUS YEAR FOR CORNWALLl!!

The Morgawr has been sighted off Lands End and also at various points around Falmouth all this week.

Throughout Cornish history sightings of this fabled Cornish sea monster (pictured here in one of the earliest photographs from 1573) have always betokened auspicious events for the land of Kernow.

In particular, sightings of the so-called 'bespectacled Morgawr', which can grow up to 200 feet in length, are said to portend good things for the state of Relubbus.

This is perhaps just as well since 2011 is already shaping up to be an interesting year in which Relubbus begins to punch its full weight on the international stage.

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader, Billy Spargo (129) is back from his Christmas break, spent as usual in his luxury caravan (pictured) with his mother at Long Rock.

Fully relaxed after a week uninterrupted by international political considerations, he is now set on deploying the full economic and military might of Relubbus for the betterment of other nations.

First up in his sights is Russian Prime Minister and would-be gay pin-up, Vladimir Putin, whose crude old-style KGB bullying has blighted and stunted the post-Soviet development of Russia.

Putin is a crude crowbar autocrat, who curiously publishes semi-nude pictures of himself in a vain attempt to appeal to the members of the gay S&M scene of which he is so fond.

Putin has now drawn the opprobrium of all civilised nations for his Stalinist show trials of innocent mega-multibillionnaire Mikhail Khordokovsky, whose only crime was his refusal to bend before Putin.

Before being led back to his icy cell in Siberia, a defiant Khordokovsky called out that you can only get on in today's Russia if you are one of Putin's benders.

Spargo's first bold lightning strike was to expel all 295 Russian diplomats from Relubbus, to close down the embassy and to have the embassy site (pictured) bulldozed and turned into a mini-golf course for kiddies.

The dazed Russian diplomats were packed into Western National buses yesterday morning en route to Porthleven, where rowing boats awaited them for the long pull back to the port of St Petersburg.  The journey will take a little longer than normal as all the oars were removed from the boats.

The new mini-golf course was opened this morning by singing star, Roy Orbison.

In Moscow, a fleet of Ford Anglia Tenerifes whisked the 8 Relubbus diplomats away from Moscow and over the Finnish border before the Russians knew what was happening.

In a special move to punish Putin where it would hurt most, Spargo has also placed a Cornish travel embargo on the Putins.

The Russian Prime Minister and his wife Brian have a secret holiday dacha (now confiscated) in Toltuff Road, Penzance and like nothing better than to breeze up and down Market Jew Street, before entering their beloved Simpsons of Penzance, which has kitted them both out ever since Putin has had access to hard currency.

Spargo's second big international initiative is to announce that he has given the go ahead for the construction of a huge wooden bridge between Relubbus and Britanny.  This bold construction project will create the largest road and rail bridge in the world.  A photo of a much scaled down prototype is shown on the left.

In each direction there will be a 12 lane motorway  and four rail tracks.

At 10 mile intervals, there will be a motorway service island, each providing rest and retail opportunities for up to 10,000 cars and their occupants.  In Relubbus, the bridge will rise on what is now farmland next to Terminal 12 of the Relubbus International Airport.  In Britanny, it will come down at Landrellec beach.

The eye-catching bridge will rise quickly to a height of 400 feet so that shipping can easily pass underneath.

The sides of the bridge will be formed of embankments rising to a height of 60 feet and will be laid to lawns and gardens  so that no one gets dizzy at such a height. The embankments will also create a natural and comfortable bridge for wildlife to cross the channel in peace and quiet.

The roads and rail will be heated in winter so that they do not freeze and ducts will carry rainwater down to the sea through turbines, which will generate some of the power needed to run the services.

The rest of the power will be generated by wind turbines interspersed along the length of the bridge.

The building consortium of Oates & Trevaskis has stated that the work will commence in mid March and that it is expected to be fully completed by the end of April in time for the summer traffic.

The huge work force for this futuristic entirely wooden construction is said to include some 67 carpenters alone, together with two electricians and one plumber.

Contracts have been the subject of fierce competition, but we can announce that the winner of the hotly-contested hairdressing contract for the project has just been anounced to be Shelley's of St Just.

The ROUNDUP would like to wish all our readers a HAPPY NEW YEAR and we hope that both of them will enjoy good health and wealth the whole year through.

MOUNTAIN VIEW CALIFORNIA BEATS SALES TARGETS FOR THE ROUNDUP!!

The Relubbus Roundup is read by an eager public around the world.  Sales hot spots occur in places as varied as Vaduz in Liechtenstein, Punta Arenas in Tierra del Fuego, sunny Medvezhka in Russia and Warumungu in Australia.

However, nowhere achieves the astounding sales figures registered by our enthusiastic sales team in Mountain View, California.

The team, pictured left, consists of Bunty Wakfer (21), Tizzie Trembath (32), Bill Rosewarne (29), "Tubs" Blewett (28) and Daphne Angwin (27).

Together, they have managed to sell 45,000 copies of the Roundup in the last month alone, beating their target of 44,975 by an amazing 25!

The quintet of beauties has therefore won this month's sales prize of a 25%-off morning at Flambards, followed by a slap-up half-price meal at Highlane Fish and Chip shop in Hayle.
Well Done the Girls!!

ADVERTISEMENTS

Tamsin's Lenin Chocolates

Surprise your loved one this Christmas with Communist Chocolates!!

Lovingly crafted by Tamsin Behenna (56) of Boswergy and inspired by Vladimir Ilyich himself, these Lenin Chocolates are politically pure and can be eaten without reservation by Marxists, Leninists and even Trotskyites and Maoists.

They are also good for anyone - especially women - who might be on a diet, since they are the world's first chocolates that contain no chocolate and that are entirely fat-free.

Indeed, certified as calorie-free by the prestigious Prospidnick Institute, Tamsin's Lenin chocolates are made on the family dairy farm fresh every day and are sold in mini-buckets specially sealed to keep the freshness in.

Each mini-bucket contains 20 chocolates - or blobs - and, once the bucket has been opened, they must all be polished off quickly within, at most, 20 minutes, whilst making appropriate use of the peg and plastic glove provided.

A bucket of 20 chocolates  will cost as little as £50 for an eating experience your loved one will never forget!  Available at RC Oates Superstores and at all good shops.

Olive Opie - for dental hygiene the old-fashioned way!

Build-up of plaque is one of the arch-enemies of good dental health and there is a lot that you can do yourself to keep your teeth fresh and clean by, for example, regular brushing at least once or twice a year.

However, despite this rigorous attention, plaque can stiil build up and, before you know it, you could find yourself being measured up for a full set of balsa wood choppers!

But you needn't let it get this bad.  You simply have to make an appointment with Olive now and again and every trace of plaque will be removed from your teeth quickly and - almost - painlessly, using tried and tested old-fashioned methods.

Olive (pictured) uses only a carefully adapted wire brush and especially soft sandpaper to lift off the plaque without taking too much of the enamel off your teeth.  After the healing period, which normally takes no more than a few weeks, you will be able to flash your gleaming Hollywood-style white teeth at everybody!

Olive will come to perform her dental hygiene magic in the comfort of your own home or caravan.

Treatent costs just £150 per hour, plus VAT.  Call Sennen 567543.

What does your Pasty say about You?

Professor A J Tonkin (52) visiting lecturer at the Relubbus Institute of Psychology has just published a thrilling new book, which is set to take the whole of the Cornish world by storm.

"What does your Pasty say about You?", published by Curyak Press of Tolcarne, contains insights gained by Professor Tonkin over 5 years of concentrated research into pasty-making.

His central theory is that a person's character is revealed and can be easily read  in the type of pasty they make.

Do you crimp on the left?  Then you are 'normal'.  Do you crimp on the top?  Then you are either a dangerous pervert, who ought to be locked up, or from Devon, in which case you have no business making pasties at all.  Do you crimp on the right?  Then you are probably a candidate for gender re-assignment.

These observations are the easy ones, but there are many hundreds more conclusions that can be drawn from how you make a pasty, the type of fat used, the mix of fat and flour, the proportion of turnick to tatee, the amount of onion, the cut and amount of meat and so on.

Beyond that, there is another set of conclusions that can be drawn from how you actually eat a pasty.

This 600 page tome is worth every penny of the £98 cover price and goes on sale tomorrow in the book section of all WG Trevaskis stores.  Interested?  The hurry along to get your copy.  These books are expected to sell quicker than hot pasties!

MARGO SPARGO CARGO EMBARGO!!

Trade between the People's Republic of China and Greater Relubbus is worth many hundreds of billions of pounds and is one of the mainstays of the global economic system.

 It is thus with the greatest shock that financial markets around the world have registered the news that China has imposed an embargo on the unloading of the cargo of the 555th ship of the Relubbus Containerships International Corporation (RCIC).

The RCIC ship in question is the Margo Spargo, named after the 12th, now sadly long deceased, wife of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader Billy Spargo.

Mrs Spargo the 12th died 35 years ago in a mysterious nocturnal incident in Prospidnick involving a souped-up Ford Anglia, 52 bottles of Babycham, her pet ferret and a stout granite wall.

Readers with a long memory will recall the allegations of vote-rigging, which attached to Mrs Spargo's receiving the third place prize in the 1963 All-Penzance Miss Toilet Attendant of the Year competition.

The vessel Margo Spargo is the pride of the RCIC fleet, which is owned 25% each by world famous Relubbus business magnates and bitter rivals R.C. Oates and W.G. Trevaskis.

The Margo Spargo contains a cargo of freshly made, but frozen, pasties and oggs puddens destined for distribution across China.  Two ships arrive each week, sailing direct from Hayle to Shanghai, to supply the seemingly inexhaustible hunger for Cornish fare, which is likened by some to a new opium-like addiction.

The reason for this embargo by the Chinese government is believed to stem from the GRUC reluctance to share its advanced space technology with the Chinese.

The Cornish Space Institute, operating out of rooms at the Deep Sea Fishermen's Mission at Newlyn and led by Professor Tommie T. Thomas (pictured here in his favourite cowboy outfit presented to him by President George "Brains" Bush) has developed a new space travel technology, which is set to be the envy of the world.

The product of nearly three weeks of concentrated research by Professor Thomas (49) and his team has been the development and construction of the hitherto supersecret 'Properprober'.

This is a space travel machine which taps into and harnesses reversed black hole force to propel itself at speeds in excess of 106 times the speed of light.  Using this fabulous machine, Relubbus 'Propernauts' have already travelled to the edge of space and even peered over the edge.

Of course, this tremendous invention should still be secret.  However, it has emerged that a key project worker, Dr O.K. Okay, a former car mechanic at a well-known Penzance garage, has been slipping across to the Swordfish Inn, where he has fallen into conversation with the Chinese Ambassador to Relubbus, Mr Y.P. Lychee (52), who 'just happened to be passing'. 

It would appear that, having been plied with one beer too many, Dr Okay has spilled the contents of his mind, as well as of his stomach, into the receptive ear of this wily oriental diplomat.

The Chinese government then approached the GRUC Leader, Mr Billy Spargo (117) to ask if he would be willing to allow them to share in this technology.  Spargo flatly refused with the words "No, I bleddy aren't!"

The Chinese then promptly declared a trade embargo.  Councillor Spargo has summoned Mr Y.P. Lychee, the Chinese Ambassador (pictured) to the High Council Chamber in Boswedden Lane.

Meanwhile, the business world holds its breath and looks on fearfully. 

We will continue to report on developments as they occur.

FOCUS ON TALENT IN RELUBBUS

The Roundup is keen to shine its potent torch of publicity on the many young entrepreneurs who call Relubbus home.  This week we are looking at some of the brightest and best of them.

Pammie Pender (47) is a photographer whose career first started out on the other side of the lens in the days when she was a 'glamour model'. For twenty years from the tender age of 16, Pammie graced the centrefold spread of famous 'top shelf' publications such as Sancreed Plumbing, Tregavarah Gardening Weekly,  Newbridge Knitting and Crochet, Gulval Gas Fittings and Winwaloe Window Cleaning. 

However, gravity gradually took its toll and the commissions started to dry up.  That is when inspiration came to Pammie and she decided to put all her accumulated knowledge of photography into practice - on the other side of the lens.

Her consummate skill is perfectly illustrated in this photograph entitled Timing, which sold last week in the renowned Spargo Auction Rooms for £2,500,000.  Pammie insists that the difference between a good photo and a brilliant one is simply a matter of timing.  One must capture the moment.

In this family shot of the Trevaskises of Lelant (relatives of the fabulously wealthy Relubbus business dynamo W G Trevaskis), the drama is created by the figure of Dick Trevaskis, front left, whose face so clearly betrays the fact that Pammie has managed to fully capture a moment which he would have preferred to remain uncaptured. 

Of course, the involuntary release into his trousers is accompanied by the most frightful odour, but, as the picture clearly shows, this hasn't reached the noses of the others yet.  As Pammie says " 'S all a madderuv timin'!"

You will all have heard of Warren Buffet, but just how many of you have heard of Buffet Warren (29) from up Tregeseal?  He is certainly shaping up quickly to provide stiff competition for the famed American investor.  BMW (as he likes to be known, since his middle name is Madron) set up his hedge fund, Cot Valley Investments, two years ago.  "I duh call it a 'edge fund, cos we got th' edge on they other buggers!"

Cot Valley Investments has so far attracted funds totalling £750,000. These funds all come from the various residents of the Setting Sun old folks home, where BMW continues to work until he manages to register some profits from his investments.   As he cheefully admits, "You wooden bleeve 'ow much money we lost, but, lookin' on the bright side, leasisnot my own money goin' down the drain!"

Nora "Lightning" Behenna (34) is set to turn the world of surgery upside down for three reasons.  Firstly, she charges very little for the often complex operations she performs.  Secondly, she uses no anaesthetics at all.  Thirdly, her only medical instrument is her fretsaw.

What readers will also find amazing is that Nora is a young lady without any formal medical training whatsoever.  Entirely self-taught, she started off by practising exclusively on neighbours' household pets.

Then, after she found out that her boyfriend had been two-timing her, she performed her very first 'radical vasectomy' on him.  This picture was taken of her just after the operation and shows her gleefully holding her fretsaw and triumphantly displaying the freshly severed 'parts' in a plastic bag.

Her secret?  "Speed - thasall there is to un!  I'm finished before they duh knaw I started!"

RELUBBUS BUSINESS NEWS

By Business Correspondent O. P. Opie

These pages are usually given over to descriptions of the latest colourful power moves by local magnates such as Mr R.C. Oates and Mr W.G. Trevaskis, whose constant battles for supremacy in the hothouse that is Relubbus' business life are marked by daily cuts and thrusts that send the stockmarkets aspin.

Today, however, we take a look at some of the promising younger businesses in Relubbus that might offer the adventurous investor the opportunity of a lifetime.

Each business is the creation of an inspired young local entrepreneur and we have invited each of them to introduce their business here.

R.U. Bent (23) ("Call me "Rodney!') is a sensitive young man whose extreme closeness to his feminine side made growing up on Gwavas Estate more challenging than would otherwise have been the case.

Two years ago he set up Tranny Taxis of Newbridge and is hugely proud of the 12 car fleet he now has to offer his many clients.  All the drivers are either transsexuals or transvestites and all of them hold advanced driver's licences as well as qualifications in emergency make-up and 'rescue' fashion advice.

Rodney freely admits that he borrowed heavily on the business model of the unexpectedly lucrative Gay Taxi Company of Long Rock, but as he boldly states "There's 'nuff room fer both o' we.  We's Penwith is 'eavin wi' queer folk."

C.E. Drekkly (29) is a Rosudgeon man.  On leaving prison after serving a 6 year sentence for embezzlement and aggravated lies and deception, Charlie found that many doors were closed to him --  including those of his former professions of spiritual healer and financial adviser.

He quickly realised that he would have to employ himself - to set up his own business.  He hit upon the idea of providing hot air balloon trips and thus Bodrifty Family Hot Air Balloons was born.  Bodrifty balloons are launched at Lands End.

The 'basket'is a normal hot air balloon basket, but the  'lift' is provided by 16 helium-filled party balloons. This severely restricted lift potential tends to lead to an automatic fall, once the basket is pushed off the edge of the cliff, but it is sufficient to ensure that the descent is not as dangerously rapid as it might otherwise be.

However, the sensation of travel has been exciting enough to attract thousands of people (all emmets to date) to part with the necessary £1,400, which is the cost of this one way -- and, indeed, in 98% of cases, final -- trip.  Says Charlie, "I emt never looked back; the moneyz pourin' in!"
 

M. T. Head (32) ("Mos' people duh jes' call me Mike!") of Trewern Jailbird House Cleaning Service (TJHCS) has concerned himself with a challenge very similar to that solved by Charlie - namely how to find gainful employment for those newly released from prison, particularly in the case of those who have served time for extremely violent crimes.

Mike came up with the brilliant idea of using violent ex-cons in house cleaning, as they tend to have spent a large period of time in a confined space, which most of them have become anal about keeping clean.

Thus TJHCS was born and it now supplies house cleaning services from Lands End almost up as far as Truro.  The service is available at just £4 per hour and those concerned about their personal safety should take comfort in the fact that only 13% of the customer base has taken a bashing from their cleaners and there have been as yet no fatalities.  Says Mike, "The buzness is rockin' 'ere.  We're coinin' it in!  I've booked up fer 7 days 'oliday over Sennen.  Cash on the nail!"

E. B. Nigh (53) of Nancegollan offers Christian Car Cleaning and Gardening Services.  Edward ("Call me 'Teddie'") Nigh has been a sidesman at Chapels all over West Penwith and he is also a keen singer of hymns.  It was after morning service at Nancegollan Methodist Chapel that he was inspired to set up a car cleaning and gardening services company staffed solely by Methodist fundamentalists, who would carry out their work whilst singing hymns selected by their customers from the Methodist Hymn Book.

The business has boomed.  He now has 746 singing employees out working for the company and praising the Lord all over Cornwall.  It is expected that the service will launch out over the Tamar into England next month.

Negotiations have also been held with the Liechtenstein Lutheran Church to import this successful recipe for 'working whilst praising' into that country.

X. S. Wind (45) of Boskednan Dolls is a contented man.  Xenophon, or "Xen" as he likes to be known, worked for many years on the cheese counter in the lower Kwop in Penzance, where he achieved a notoriety for not wearing trousers.  Then came the moment when he got the idea of setting up his own company.

He says, "Th'idea come to me in a flash - get your kids interested in the wider worl' with Cuddly Political Dolls!!"

From his Boskednan headquarters and factory (employing 2,500 people) his company now turns out thousands of versions of dolls of  'Cute Lovable Margaret Thatcher, Romantic Arthur Scargill, 'Brummie boy' idol Enoch Powell, 'Big softie really' Bob Crow and soulful Melanie Philips. Apparently, the favourite doll is Daring Dick Cole, set to become an MP, overseas in Westminster.

Xen asks us to point out that the 'adult' version of the inflatable Margaret Thatcher doll is now available for men (3 A4 batteries provided, but no bicycle pump.  He further advises that the sell-out 'adult' version of the inflatable Margaret Beckett doll is now out of stock.

RELUBBUS ANNOUNCEMENTS

Transformation

Mr Antelope Telegraph (89) wishes it to be known that he will henceforth be known as Mrs Agnes Telegraph.

Mr Telegraph, who was never married, thought it a dreadful shame that he had never acquired his “own little woman”. He therefore decided that he would undergo the necessary surgery to become a woman so that he could style himself as Mrs Agnes Telegraph.

After successful application of the RC Oates Home Surgery Kit, a cheery Mrs Agnes Telegraph (ex Mr Antelope Telegraph) declares “Well, at least it has cured my prostate problems!”

Seduction

Mr and Mrs Eric Quigley of Ponsandane are pleased to announce the seduction of their daughter, Alice (18) , by multi-billionnaire businessman and philanthropist, Mr W G Trevaskis (58) of Relubbus.

The seduction took pace at the Quigley family home and was filmed by a triumphant Mr Quigley who had “rigged up the front room with lots of cameras”.

Beside herself with joy, an excited Mrs Quigley said “She bin after ‘ee ever since she got a job up ‘is shop. We’re sum proud of our maid!”

Refutation

The Reverend Sigmund Portcullis (72) hereby issues an adamant refutation of tales recounted by the malicious and irresponsible to the effect that he had anything whatever to do with the ‘goings-on’ at the Penlee Park Gentlemen’s toilets at 7.30 pm last Tuesday evening.

He explains that he was merely out for a bracing stroll, when he was caught short, necessitating a visit to the toilets nearby. The fact that he shot off, when the police arrived, should not be interpreted as an indication of guilt. Furthermore, the fact that, in his hurry to leave, he had left his trousers behind was a natural consequence of his increasing forgetfulness.

Affirmation

PC Geoffrey ‘Ollis (29) (of Camborne) is pleased to announce to the public that he has just celebrated a civil partnership ceremony with Roger “Deirdre” Penscab (42). The Devon and Cornwall Police have - weeks ago - given up their anti-gay policies and practices and are delighted to have the opportunity of supporting Geoffrey and Roger (a car mechanic from Long Rock) in their marriage.

Geoffrey says “They’ve been ever so nice to we. Paid fer the photographer and they’re gunna give we a nice police ‘ouse to live in too. Sarge even cumeer and give me and Rog a kiss!”

So that’s a pink thumbs up to the Devon and Cornwall Police!

ROUNDUP CELEBRATES INVENTIVE RELUBBUS

Treloar’s COC (Cornish One-man Car) is part of the answer to Climate Change!

The fertile mind of Sidney Treloar (35), Perranuthnoe farmer and part-time scientist and engineer has been wrestling with the urgent need to address the challenge of Climate Change and he decided to take on the challenge of transport.

Having camped out on the A30 for several days observing the nature of the constant traffic flow, Treloar was struck by the number of cars that contained only one person - the driver.

“I waz camped out there fer three days and I couldn’ bleeve it. 85% of the cars that went past only ‘ad the driver innun”, he declared in his breathless soprano. He concluded that needless metal, needless seats, needless fuel was all simply going to waste.

It was then that he had his brilliant idea of designing the COC, the Cornish One-man Car. The COC is a compact one seater that uses petrol, but achieves a miraculous 159 miles to the gallon and moves from 0 to 60 mph in just three minutes.

It comes complete with a strap-on umbrella hat for rainy weather and – before you object that it is no good for the family – you can attach carriages to the back so that you can carry up to five people.

Having designed the prototype, Treloar has now secured the backing of W G Trevaskis (103), the famous multi-billionaire businessman and philanthropist. Trevaskis is building a plant at Long Rock, which will produce 1,500 COCs each week. The new cars are expected to be marketed at a bargain price of just £750 each. It is expected that this low price will attract buyers not only from Relubbus but from around the world.

Win a COC for free!!!!!

Yes, it’s true, you could be the proud owner of one of these new COC cars for free!!!. Just phone the magic number 0845 48195298* and answer this simple question. Who designed the COC?

A Sidney Treloar

B Leonardo da Vinci

C Henry VIII

*Calls cost £14 per minute with 50% of proceeds going to the Trevaskis Foundation for Fallen Women In Ludgvan

PENSIONERS BLASTED INTO SPACE

The picture shows the moment at the NASA (Neerly Alright Space Agency) launch pad at Cape Cornwall on Friday, when all twelve inhabitants of a Sancreed Old Folks Home were blasted into space aboard a specially-adapted Western National bus, en route for Mars, the Red Planet.

The successful launch was the culmination of years of planning and effort by thousands of scientists at the giant St Buryan Space City.

As the launch was relayed, on giant television screens, to the underground control room on the seventh level of the Space City, jubilant engineers burst into spontaneous applause, hugging each other in delight. Some were so overcome with relief that their years of effort had not been in vain that tears coursed uncontrolled down their faces.

The object of the expedition is to found a colony -- a kind of mini St Buryan -- on Mars. It is hoped that, in time, the colonists (being Cornish) will be able to exploit the vast mineral wealth of their new home. Once mines have been established, it is envisaged that a trading station will be set up, and that wealth will flow back to the "motherland" of St Buryan.

All the pensioners are volunteers who have seized the chance to begin a new life on the Red Planet. When asked why they volunteered for the mission, a majority said -- unaccountably -- that it was because they were bored with life in Sancreed!

As the picture shows, none of the intrepid astronauts -- courageous though they undoubtedly are -- were willing to sit on the open top deck of the bus during lift-off.

To make the expedition possible, two litres of fuel were supplied free by Cornish entrepreneur and philanthropist W.G. Trevaskis, with Trevaskis's arch-rival RC ("Arsey") Oates and the Kwop making similarly generous contributions.

LILY LOOKALIKE SPOTTED IN MARAZION

The mystery lady who bears a remarkable resemblance to Lily Nichols, the con-artist and ex-bag lady from Perranuthnoe, has been sighted again, this time in Marazion. Previous sightings have been in Morrison's, the KWOP, and Lidl's in Penzance. She has also been seen loitering outside the flagship RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus.

This time, the mystery woman seemed to think that she had been invited to start the Trevaskis Challenge Round the World Raft Race (jointly sponsored by W.G. Trevaskis and English Heritage). Luckily, ace Roundup photographer "Snapper" Kelynack was in Marazion to cover the start of the race, and took the picture on the left.

Meanwhile, Lily Nichols herself, who makes a very comfortable living out of convincing the English media that she is an aristocrat (the mythical Duchess of Cornwall) is said to be furious at the antics of the interloper, whom she sees as trying to cash in on her territory.

"'Oo duh she think she is?" Lily complained yesterday. "Lollopin' aroun' like a git muppet, askin' people "How do you do?" an' "What do you do?" in thet bleddy silly voice?!"

PETROL-SAVING MOTORS FROM RC OATES

ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE
By Motoring Correspondent Horton Tregarthen

In these days of ever-rising petrol prices, RC Oates Automotive Industries are proud to announce new models that will save you money!

First up is the hand-powered motorbike, shown below. This truly innovative invention is reputed to do 32,578 miles to the gallon, although this figure may well be an under-estimate, since in tests so far the petrol has never needed to be replaced!

RC Oates' hand-powered motorbike

For business users, we have the ground-breaking battery-powered truck, shown below. This too promises enormous savings in fuel costs. Although the initial cost of the battery is high, at £3,999,999.99, the battery is rechargeable (via a supplied hand-crank), and is expected to pay for itself in a short period of time.

RC Oates' battery-powered truck

A perceived drawback of the battery-powered truck is the relative lack of storage space for goods, due to most of the rear of the truck being occupied by the battery itself. However, in a design masterstroke, this has been compensated for by additional storage space (allocated from the driver's sleeping quarters) in the cab.

The new vehicles will be manufactured at RC Oates' state-of-the-art fabrication plant in the People's Republic of Hayle, shown below. Among industry experts, this plant is widely acknowledged to be second in sophistication only to the robot-controlled Trevaskis Motors' factory situated in the garages behind Penponds Close, at Alverton, Penzance.

RC Oates' state-of-the-art fabrication plant at Hayle

RELUBBUS LATEST NEWS IN BRIEF

Prospidnick man gives birth to Octuplets!!

By our medical correspondent, Ivor Kneebone

The recent news of an Oregon man being five months pregnant has been totally eclipsed by the shock news of a Prospidnick man giving birth to 8 children - thirty years ago!
Pictured on the left with their 8 - now grown-up - children are, seated, Jeremy, 62, (on the left) and Daniel, 71, Ladner. Jeremy employs all his 7 sons in his undertaking business, whilst his husband, Daniel, and their daughter, William, rear budgerigars (free range, of course!) for consumption in Jamie Oliver's restaurants.

Since "things were difficult fer people like we in them days", Daniel dressed as a woman throughout their whole marriage - and still does.

Jeremy puts down their unique success in bringing octuplets to the world in a same sex relationship to the peculiar strength of some home-grown fertility drugs, which he developed in the mortuary.

Their children have adapted well to the shock news - as tallest son, Nathaniel said, "I allus thought 't was funny maither was called Daniel, now we all duh knaw why."

Top Eating House opens in Boswedden Lane

by our cullinary correspondent, Morwenna Dollop

Fine dining has always been possible in Boswedden Lane, with celebrity chefs competing with one another to secure catering space in this top address. Now, in a desperate attempt to plug a gap in their outreach to the dining cognoscenti of Relubbus (the likes of W G Trevaskis and R C Oates) the Savoy has spent tens of millions to acquire a prime site in Boswedden Lane and, thereby, to complete their palette of offerings to the rich and famous, by plugging this very obvious gap in Relubbus.

The Savoy's new premises are pictured on the left and will be familiar to all as Mrs Polkinghorne's Pasty Shop (left door) and (right door) Lefty Bennet's Speakeasy and Old-time Pissoire.

Accordingly, one location, famous for the production of high quality pasties, and an adjacent location, famous for both the consumption and expulsion of intoxicating liquids, have merged to become the location of high price consumption of the finest foods.

Courtroom Dramas in Relubbus

by legal Correspondent, Barry Stir

Relubbus Divorce Court was the scene of high tension and of passionate outbursts as the celebrity couple, Dickie Trembath (31), and his wife, Lisbet (29) fought over a financial settlement to mark an end to their ill-starred union. Dickie, a much feted conductor, who learnt his craft with Western National Bus Company, before joining the prestigious Relubbus Philharmonic Orchestra, has become rich working on the international music scene, where he immediately achieved notoriety by using his trade-mark ticket machine instead of the customary baton.
Lisbet started her glittering career as a dental nurse, before she became a gossip columnist, initially feeding the public with gems of information picked up in surgery. She has been a controversial journalist, who, more than once, has been accused of making up the news - most famously when she claimed a scoop involving the English Heritage/Scottish Prime Minister Gordon Brown (117) and champion Russian tractor driver Ludmilla Hamsterovna (84).

Almost as an illustration of how pathetically mundane the "apparent" causes of marital breakdown can be, Lisbet accused her husband of excessive snoring and farting - to the extent that she claimed that it was necessary for her to wear breathing apparatus at night.

For his part, Dickie was having none of it. Nervously winding his ticket machine - always fully loaded and never far from him - he delivered his counter-accusations in his familiar tremulous falsetto stutter, "That bleddy bitch been 'avin' an affair wi' that weirdo 'Landshark' and 'is doggin pals up Madron Carn".

Justice Tregarthen-Bolitho, the child prodigy judge, who is only aged 12 and always attends court in the company of his mother, played seemingly absent-mindedly with his trainset while accusation and counter-accusation flew around the courtroom. Then at 2.30 pm, when one of his favourite TV programmes was about to start, he cooly adjusted his wig and suspended proceedings until the next day.

Lisbet was afterwards seen by this writer heading off towards Madron Carn in the company of various gentlemen of doubtless dubious reputation, whilst her husband pursued her in the back of a chauffeur-driven Ford Anglia with darkened windows, whilst the sound of a manically turned ticket machine slowly faded into the distance.

GM FOOD STORE OPENS IN RELUBBUS!

A huge new store has opened in Boswedden Lane, threatening to challenge the supremacy of existing retail giants such as R.C. Oates and W.G. Trevaskis. The two latter mentioned chains, both with megastores as far west as Carn Gloose and as far east as Prospidnick, are unlikely to welcome the competition, which will, for various reasons, be fierce.

This fresh challenge is mounted by a Liechtenstein entrepreneur, Franzl Hirschvogel, who has cut his retail teeth in the "Hund eat Hund" world of the High Street in Vaduz.

Franzl, (34) a part time crew member of the Liechtenstein Navy, took part in an official visit to Newlyn, during which he met and fell in love with local girl, Nancy Trenwith (29). Franzl, who speaks no English, commented, "Ich liebe meine Nancy!"

Nancy, a former barmaid and scrubber at the Swordfish Inn, where the two met, commented, "I kent bleeve my luck. Ee's loaded an ee's a bleddy dish, inna?"

The deliriously happy couple -- shortly to be married -- have gone into business together with a sharp new idea that is likely to take the whole of West Cornwall by storm -- G M Stores.

The first of these brand new stores opened last week at the junction of Boswedden Lane and Kelynack Terrace, although the store uses the prestigious Boswedden Lane address.

Ground-breaking ideas are used in this store.

Firstly, everything is behind a counter and customers queue to be served by either Franzl or Nancy. A warm welcoming chat is all part of the new retail experience, although in Franzl's case, the conversation is very limited indeed, unless you happen to be German speaking, in which case he is apparently most effusive, telling the same joke over and over.

A second big departure is that every item on sale is made from genetically-modified sources.

In the case of those necessities for which a genetically-modified option is sadly not yet available, the keen couple have managed to obtain irradiated supplies from Tchernobyl. So successful have they been that there is no need for artificial lighting in the store, since the plums in brandy and bottled beetroot (both from Tchernobyl) glow powerfully in the dark.

Nuclear irradiated or (hopefully, and) genetically-modified food is believed by this pair to represent the food future for the people of this planet and they intend to be the suppliers.

Prices are certainly expected to draw the crowds. For instance, a ton of irradiated mutton -- delivered to your home in a specially constructed truck ("to keep the goodness in") will cost you only £4,567.95 (plus VAT). You will also receive an almost free (it will cost you only £7,700!) radiation-proof deep freezer in which to store the meat.

G M Stores are also stocking the "Three Head" brand of genetically-modified yoghurts. Eat those and you can become -- for free -- part of a big scientific experiment.

Nancy and Franzl will be getting married next month. Unusually, Franzl will be assuming Nancy's surname, Trenwith, after they marry, as he says, "Es hört sich mehr Cornisch an als Hirschvogel!"

So Oates, Trevaskis, and now...Trenwith??

LUXURY CAR SERVICE CENTRE FOR HAYLE

ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE
by motoring correspondent Denzil Flatt
R.C. Oates Automotive Industries today proudly announced the opening of their NEW LUXURY CAR SERVICE CENTRE in Hayle. The centre is designed to deal exclusively with Aston Martins, Lamborghinis, Porches, and Landsharks -- owners of other makes need not apply. Each service, performed entirely by hand with loving care, is expected to take approximately 9 months, followed by a "running in period" of 29 weeks. Not surprisingly, there is already a waiting list of 2 years.

R.C.O.A.I., owned by Relubbus multi-billionaire R.C. Oates, has long sought to expand its business interests into the People's Republic of Hayle, which it sees as one of the planet's fastest-developing economies.

In recent months, R.C.O.A.I has lost ground to its arch-rival Trevaskis Motors, which has enjoyed spectacular successes with its Landshark series of luxury cars. It is widely acknowledged that Trevaskis Motors' success has been due in no small measure to its possession of a state-of-the-art fabrication and servicing plant in the garages behind Penponds Close, at Alverton, Penzance. R.C.O.A.I.'s acquisition of the Hayle site is seen as an attempt to catch up -- though whether it will build cars at Hayle remains to be seen.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!

MARY POPPINS

starring JULIE ANDREWS and DICK VAN DYKE


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.

REDRUTH RFC MOVE UP CARN BREA

SPORTS NEWS
by our Rugby Correspondent, "Old Prop"
At a packed public meeting yesterday, Redruth RFC unveiled the design of their exciting new stadium, which is to be built on the slopes of Carn Brea hill. The picture above shows an artist's impression of what the new stadium will look like.

It will be known as the "Trevaskis Stadium", after Long Rock multi-billionaire W.G. Trevaskis, who has donated most of the funding.

However, there was strong opposition to the plans from the four members of the public present, who claimed that the new structure would be an "eyesore" and totally out of keeping with the wild beauty of the hill.

In response, Redruth's Director of Rugby, Denzil Penberthy, claimed that the move to the new stadium was "essential, if us is gonna play in the English Premiership. The Rec. [the Reds' old ground] ain't up to Premiership standards, so us don' 'ave no choice."

The rugby correspondent of the Daily Telegraph, one of many reporters present from the national press, expressed surprise at the slope of the pitch. (There will be a 20-metre drop between the south-east and north-west corners of the pitch.) Mr Penberthy explained that this was quite deliberate. The layout of the pitch, he said, sought to recreate the conditions of the famed "Hell Fire Corner" at the Rec. [The ground slopes away quite markedly towards one corner at the Rec. Ed.]

"Us duh like tuh play down the slope, towards our supporters in 'ell Fire," said Mr Penberthy. "Us jes' thought we'd make 'un a bit steeper, 'as all."

The man from the Telegraph, not to be denied, pointed out that for one half of each game the Reds would have to play uphill, and the advantage would then lie with their opponents.

"'Es, well", said Mr Penberthy, "us'll jes 'ave tuh dig in. 'Sides, us duh 'ave another plan. We's gonta leave some o' they bleddy git granite boulders on the pitch, jes under the grass. 'Course, only us'll knaw where the buggers are. They git Londun jessies'll be bleddy black an' blue by 'alf time!"
RELUBBUS TOP TEN May 2008

1. Old Shep Elvis Presley
2. Brown-eyed 'Ansom Man Buddy Holly
3. Only the Lonely Roy Orbison
4. You Never Can Tell Chuck Berry
5. Waterloo Abba
6. Pretty Flamingo Manfred Mann
7. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band Beatles
8. This Is My Song Petula Clarke
9. A Whiter Shade of Pale Procul Harum
10. San Francisco (Be Sure To Wear Some Flowers In Your Hair) Scott MCKenzie