EUROVISION 2009 QUIZ

You all know who is singing for your own country, but can you guess which countries the following artistes will be representing in Moscow in May? If you get the answers right, you could win a fabulous set of prizes**!!!

Here are the artistes, but which countries do they represent?

Silvia Burlesque-Only is 32 years old, but has only been a woman for the last 12 of those years. She breeds three-legged ferrets as a hobby and is a mistress (formerly, master) of the art of the cigarette roll-up, which is one of the factors that have given rise to her ‘throatily sexy’ voice.

She is particularly proud of her fine thatch of hair, as she went prematurely bald as a man and was obliged to wear a handkerchief to cover this up, prior to the sex-change which caused her capillary explosion.

Her interests are men and ice-cream in that order.

She has a blown-up nude picture of Tony Blair hanging on her bathroom wall. The song she will sing is “Just one cornetto!”


Alphonse Narcose Tea-Cosy is 39 and speaks only French – but which country does he represent?

Some helpful clues are that he dismembers budgies for fun, has an overpowering and disturbing body odour, changes his underwear only once a month (with the aid of a blow torch) and has never owned a toothbrush .

Also, he has never been arrested for murder, but has been detained by police for many other minor transgressions. He has received therapy since 1973 and this has led to the training of his unusual voice, which has been likened to the sound of a chicken being strangled. The song he will be singing is “I picked my nose for you alone!”

“Heinzi” Arschi-Lochi is a 28 year old ‘rainbow person’, who believes that the Eurovision Song Contest 2009 will put him and his country on the map.

Heinzi comes from a family with a long tradition of producing Wurst AND Cuckoo clocks. Like many in his country he went to work in a bank, before the ‘profession’ acquired a reputation considerably below that of child-murderer. He then went to work in a care home, where he learnt yodelling from a 92-year-old inmate called Stefan, with whom he formed a very close, indeed intimate, bond.

Heinzi will be yodelling his entry “I’ll shove that rose up your rozzer, if you shove this tulip up mine!”

This last entry in this week’s quiz is a very tricky one indeed. Here are the clues: the singer (now somewhat deceased, but still in good voice) does not usually sing in a European language and likes to be called ‘the Chairman’.

The Chairman is coy about giving his age or any other personal information, although it is believed that his daytime job is in a restaurant or, possibly, in a laundry. He has been chosen to sing for a country, which is next to a mountainous land and which has a coastline with only a limited sewerage problem.

Accompanying himself on a banjo, the Chairman will be singing a song called “Little Red Book” to the tune of the old Tommy Steele favourite “Little White Bull”.

If you think you know all the answers, just send in to the Roundup your list of correct answers -- with the fee of €100 -- and you will be entered in a draw which could win you the magnificent life-changing sum of Kernewek Angels 5 billion!!!!

Not only this, but you would win the right to a lifetime’s FREE supply of vegetables and toilet rolls from the RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus – together with a FREE Trevaskis Landshark motor car handcrafted for you in Cornwall!!

Entries please – together with entry fee of €100 (in used notes) to:
Sylvanus Penhaul Esq
The Editor
Relubbus Roundup
c/o The Swordfish Inn
Newlyn
Penzance
Cornwall

PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR 2008

By our celebrity and psychiatric correspondent, Professor Doktor Heinrich Pfeifentabak

The Professor Doktor is renowned as a therapist (NOT, he insists, as "the rapist”), who provides much needed help to the fragile egos of the rich and famous, who can afford his, frankly exorbitant, fees.

It is therefore no surprise that his clientele is drawn from such hotbeds of affluent celebrity as the Pacific Palisades, Hollywood and Bel Air in Los Angeles, as well as from the even more upmarket Boswedden Lane in Relubbus, Pengersick Lane in Germoe, and the sumptuous beachside villas of Praa Sands.

In this article, he draws on his intimate acquaintance with the world of celebrity to give his ‘top tips’ on the contenders for this year’s “Personality of the Year” Award, which is presented by the committee of the Relubbus Lesbian Underwater Knitters’ and Wrestlers’ Association.

Insiders will not be surprised at the Professor’s first choice, which is that of the ‘Marazion Bookends’, a gay Marazion couple, who have made enormous strides – and sacrifices – to further the physical practice of gay love, which they have made available to the general public in their Christmas book from Long Rock Publications entitled “What’s your bent? The Third Sex – in our own words”.

The pair, Leonard Cock (51) on the left and Dick Head (48) on the right, are both butchers, who met whilst attending a seven month “Know your meat” course at the St Buryan Higher Institute Fer Meat Slicing and Sausage-making four years ago. Says Leonard, “It was love at first sight. As soon as I’d seen ov un, I knew ‘ee was the one!”.

Dick was even more direct in his words, which, for legal reasons, cannot be reproduced here.

Professor Pfeifentabak says, “Zeir exact mapping of ze precise topography of same-sex matings defies belief. If you put zis togezzer viz ze astounding quality of zeir pork sausages, you must be on a vinner!”

There is little doubt in the correctness of Pfeifentabak’s selection for bravest politician of the year. Sylvia Burlesque-Only’s tragic hair loss is a story with which men the world over can sympathise and empathise.

This shy and retiring miniscule Italian (now still only 41 according to his press profile, but who began losing his hair 39 years ago!) was obliged to meet world leaders wearing a handkerchief on his head to hide the stridently obvious emergency repairs to his rapidly disappearing thatch. He was only able to bear this enormous humiliation by taking absurdly strong ‘happy’ drugs, topped up with regular swigs from Bolster’s Blood from Driftwoods Spars’ Brewery from St Agnes in Kernow. With tears in his eyes, Signor Burlesque-Only said, “I no wanna be a baldie! I’m a too younga for that!”

The state of hair loss proved so grave that it was too much of a challenge even for the top surgeons of Italy and then Relubbus, which was the final port of call for Signor Burlesque-Only in his desperate quest for a new thatch.

Professor Doktor Pfeifentabak comments, “Zis poor man has hat to vear a a vig to cover up his hair loss and zat is a vig, vich can be spotted at a distance of 5 kilometres. Despite zis, ze Signor maintains a level of heppy jollity, vich is truly marvellous, ven everyvun is laughing et him!”

Pfeifentabak’s third hot tip for the top is legendary, but enigmatic, unconventional and, some say, highly controversial Relubbus sculptress Nellie Launder (34). Nellie is shown here playing her favourite ‘ball-less golf’, which has the great advantages that it can be played indoors as well as outdoors and it also involves no walking.

Nellie’s works can be viewed throughout Cornwall and also abroad, where many of her ‘pieces’ have been acquired by those fortunate few with the right sort of money. However, she started from humble beginnings.

A graduate of Skudjick Secondary School many years ago, Nellie’s early career was spent in Toppers Hairdressing Salon in Godolphin Road in Long Rock, where 7 years of dedicated application led to her assuming the exalted position of ’junior’. It was her role to ask customers if they were doing anything interesting for the weekend and to enquire whether they wanted a cup of tea or coffee.

This involvement led to her sculptural experimentation with tea leaves and hair. Throwing out a heap of such stuff one day, she was accosted by a passing Tory toff millionaire, Old Etonian, David Cameron, who asked her what she would take for ‘her creation’.

Nellie, not being the cleverest or quickest, did not respond immediately, whereupon the fool Cameron kept on upping the price until he reached the mind-boggling (for Nellie!) sum of £700,000. Then she agreed the sale and, finally catching on, also agreed to deliver such ‘works’ to Cameron and his loaded pals on a daily basis. She has never looked back.

Says Pfeifentabak, “Zis young lady has unremarkable substances taken and she hes made zem completely remarkable. She is a great artist!!"

Pfeifentabak’s last tip is the Relubbus Renaissance man himself, Dougie Bosvargoe (35). Nature has displayed great partiality in loading one person with so many gifts.

Bosvargoe is known as a cross-dressing heart surgeon at the famed Prospidnick American Hospital; as a xylophonist of international reputation; as a master of lower Algonquian poetry and also as a Western National bus driver on the Penzance St Ives route.

Pfeifentabak comments, “Zat vun men should so many abilities hev, is not fair! My money must be on zis last top tip!!"

Results will be published in the Roundup next week.

SEX GODDESS SWITCHES ON RELUBBUS LIGHTS

Agnes Treglown (98), President of the Penzance branch of the Silver Thread, based at Penlowarth, and voted Sex Goddess of the Century in 1931 by the members of the Tregavarah cycling, ukelele and Gilbert and Sullivan Society, was selected this year to switch on the magnificent Relubbus Christmas Lights, which illuminate the whole 5 mile length of fashionable Boswedden Lane.

Amongst the VIP guests who flocked to Relubbus for the occasion were His Royal Highness Prince Hans-Adam II of Lichtenstein, together with his charming wife, Queen Tracey, formerly of 14 Colinsey Road in Penzance.

President-elect Barack Obama (pictured here on the left in heavy disguise for security purposes!) and family were official state guests of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman, Billy Spargo (87); the Aga Khan attended with his four wives, all called Doris; Italian wigwearer and politician Silvia Burlesque-only was there with his new love-interest, Mrs Osama (just call me ‘Goky’) Bin Laden; UK House of Commons Speaker, Michael Martin was also an enthusiastic participant in the festivities, losing no opportunity to tell people how he had ‘sorted’ Tory MP troublemakers.

Of course, the credit crunch around the world has had no impact on the Relubbus economy whatsoever. People seem to be spending wildly as never before.

The flagship RC Oates Superstore, shown here on the left together with some of the other 'lights of Relubbus', has apparently been 'raking it in'.

At the store (now officially named by the Guinness Book of Records as the largest store there has ever been and ever will be in the world) Mr Oates has splashed out (some talk in terms of amounts exceeding £15!!!) on extra special lighting to pull in the crowds.

In the lavish entertainment programme which followed the big ‘switch-on’, VIPs, celebrities and as many of the vast crowd that could, flooded into the cavernous majesty of the Grand Golden West Theatre, where they were treated to a spectacular rendition of old favourites from the world-famous Rosudgeon Showtime band, shown here on the left.

To the delight of Agnes Treglown and all her friends from the Silver Thread, the band played many old favourites including Itler, ‘ee only ‘ad one ball, which was, by request, played sixteen times.

Next on the bill came the Andrews Sisters (Barb, Brenda and Betty) from up ‘Eamoor. The glamorous girls - all of whom used to work in Simpsons of Penzance before fame came knocking on their door - had their hair done especially at world-renowned coiffurier Shelley's of Fore Street, St Just before appearing in the show.

To the delight of the huge crowd, they sang some of their greatest hits including I never knew Santa did that with a reindeer!, I won’t fart under the mistletoe!, and Bill Clinton gave me his cigar!

The ‘grand finale’ was provided by the award-winning St Just Waste Operatives Female-Impersonation and Dance Troupe. From left to right are shown Billy Kelynack (34), Archilaus Trembath (41), Dick (“an’ Dora”) Angove (33), Windy Treglown (54 and the star of the troupe, who claims to have stopped wearing trousers 30 years ago); Gwen Upsnoostaree (35), and, lastly, twin brothers Bob and Bert Botheras (36).

By day, they all man the dust carts of West Penwith, but come evening they transform themselves into the picture of female pulchritude you see in the attached snap. Accompanied only by Dougie Blewett on solo triangle and to rapturous applause from the audience, they performed a breathtaking tap routine, which entranced young and old alike.

As the capacity audience of 30,000 departed from the building at the end of the show, they all averred that the splendid show marked the end of a splendid day. But then, they had the treat of walking down a Boswedden Lane with Christmas illuminations which put all other shows to shame.

Meanwhile, Agnes and her friends were whisked away by the waiting Western National Bus (driven by Sidney Rosewarne (52) of St Erth) back to the warm comforting glow of the Lariggan Home for the Terminally Confused.

One occupant of that bus, Agnes herself, was thinking back to the days when the Chairman of that Tregavarah Club - Mr Madron Bolitho - pronounced her Sex Goddess of the Century.

Our correspondent, hitching a ride back to his pad in Adelaide Street, Penzance, was asked by Agnes whether he would publish a picture of Agnes "back in them days". He replied "'Course I'll do un for ee, my luvver", and here it is -- the young Agnes in earlier days!