ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE
by motoring correspondent Denzil Flatt
R.C. Oates Automotive Industries today proudly announced the opening of their NEW LUXURY CAR SERVICE CENTRE in Hayle. The centre is designed to deal exclusively with Aston Martins, Lamborghinis, Porches, and Landsharks -- owners of other makes need not apply. Each service, performed entirely by hand with loving care, is expected to take approximately 9 months, followed by a "running in period" of 29 weeks. Not surprisingly, there is already a waiting list of 2 years.
R.C.O.A.I., owned by Relubbus multi-billionaire R.C. Oates, has long sought to expand its business interests into the People's Republic of Hayle, which it sees as one of the planet's fastest-developing economies.
In recent months, R.C.O.A.I has lost ground to its arch-rival Trevaskis Motors, which has enjoyed spectacular successes with its Landshark series of luxury cars. It is widely acknowledged that Trevaskis Motors' success has been due in no small measure to its possession of a state-of-the-art fabrication and servicing plant in the garages behind Penponds Close, at Alverton, Penzance. R.C.O.A.I.'s acquisition of the Hayle site is seen as an attempt to catch up -- though whether it will build cars at Hayle remains to be seen.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!
MARY POPPINS
starring JULIE ANDREWS and DICK VAN DYKE
1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.
LUXURY CAR SERVICE CENTRE FOR HAYLE
NEWS IN BRIEF
By staff reporter Rendell Janner
TRENGWAINTON LIONS A ROARING SUCCESS!
The 4,500 lions let loose in the Joachim Von Ribbentrop Memorial Gardens at Trengwainton have proved to be enormously popular with local visitors.
Pictured here on the left is Lizzie Polglaze (67) in a photograph taken seconds before the "horrific incident". Miss Polglaze, who has worked on the till in Beares' butchers on the Parade, Penzance, since she was a girl of 16, was so excited to be riding the lion that she unfortunately wet herself.
The unexpected release of warm liquid so discomfited the lion that it turned on its hapless rider and, with others from the "Pride of Trengwainton", made a rather messy but speedy meal of Miss Polglaze. Trying to look on the bright side, Ethel Bolitho (72), Lizzie's best friend, said "Least she wen' out doin' sumthin' 'xcitin'. She'll be sum pleased 'bowt that -- she never 'ad a man."
SOCIETY WEDDING IN SANCREED
A crowd of several thousand Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual people gathered outside the Methodist Chapel in Sancreed for the occasion of the biggest society wedding there in the past two weeks. Mecca bingo caller Billy Penhaligon (35) married his childhood love, famous local transsexual Zeke (now Tamsin) Trewelah (34), a pigherd of Trebothick farm, Sancreed.
Billy commented, "I 'ave luvved 'un since we wuz knee 'igh an' I'm still fond ov un even though ee's now a maid!"
The blushing, and captivatingly beautiful, bride echoed these sentiments in her post-operative though still strikingly bass voice, "I kent wait to get ee 'ome - come on neow, my lover!"
The happy couple will live in a none-up, one-down in Tregavarah.
The presiding minister, the Reverend Methuselah Bugley (55), originally from West Yorkshire, when questioned about the unusual nature of the wedding he had just celebrated, merely commented cryptically, "There's nowt so queer as folk!"
THE MAESTRO PASSES ON! 
Sixty three minutes silence was held on Tuesday in Newlyn to mark the surprise passing of Caleb Retallack (119), who died of exertion on the night of his wedding to his 8th wife, Rachel Trengenza (19).
Mr Retallack had, for a long time, been a champion and patron of the arts in Newlyn. A founder member and major funder, for many years, of the world famous Newlyn Underwater String Quartet, he devoted himself to the support and development of musical traditions of all sorts in Newlyn, being particularly fond of musically arranged eructations.
He also founded the Newlyn School of Female Body Art (19-20), which concerns itself with drawings, sketches and paintings rendered on the naked bodies of young women aged between 19 and 20 .
It is perhaps no co-incidence that his young bride Rachel, pole-dancing champion of Parc Wartha Estate, was one of the models at the School. His entire estate passes to Rachel.
R.C. OATES -- HOW THE EMPIRE STARTED!
Many people have often wondered just how R.C. Oates, the Relubbus mega-multi-billionnaire, made all his money. Now the Roundup can present a hitherto unseen picture of the great man in his earliest years, which sheds some light on this question.
Pictured here outside his garden shed -- which was later destined to become his flagship store in Relubbus -- R.C. Oates is shown as a young lad of 15 about to set off on his bike to deliver home-made Bovril-flavoured condoms to an eager Relubbus public.
Famed throughout West Cornwall as the man who can sell anything, this photo was taken by his mother, Mrs Temperance Oates, shortly before she too was sold to an Arabian slave-trader.
In short -- even as a schoolboy -- the young Oates was already displaying the entrepreneurial flair which was to power his ascent to the dizziest heights of capitalist success.
