STRAIGHT COUPLE DENIED ENTRY TO GAY B&B

Relubbus is rightly known internationally for its tolerance and it veritably glitters in the light of its reputation as a safe haven for folk of all persuasions.

It is therefore no surprise that Prospidnick in Greater Relubbus is the chosen site of the first nudist gay B&B, run by devoted couple Ron Trezise (76) and his longterm partner Ron Polglaze (65).

The two gents, who have been working as itinerant plumbers in West Penwith since their teens, first bumped into one another whilst working on emergency repairs in the Gents in Penlee Park in Penzance on one balmy evening back in 1968.  Since then they have been an item.

As Ron T. explained, "If you duh ask fer ee, you duh get we and if you duh ask fer me, you duh still get we!"  For this reason they became known as the "Two fer one plumbers, oo duh get the job done inaff the time!"

The two Rons are leading lights in the Gwavas Contralto Queer Choir, which has been a champion of gay rights  in the West Penwith musical world for decades.  They are also both fanatical gardeners and passionately ardent nudists.

When retirement came, they decided "to set up a B&B fer folks like we!"  They then searched out a round house, the  very shape of which would embody their opposition to anything square.

When they set eyes on the Prospidnick round house, they fell in love with its circular simplicity.  As it is beautifully round, they have divided it up into segments like some great pink grapefruit.  Pink is incidentally the colour of all the decor and furniture.
There are 16 segments: one for the kitchenette, one for the bathroom and toilet, one for the dining room, one for the living room -- which also contains the front door -- and 12 for the guest bedrooms.

Whilst the house is known for its cheery cosiness, the segments are separated from one another by sturdy polyurethane pink-coloured curtains to provide the occupants with some privacy.

The house has been renamed the Prospidnick Pink House and it has been doing a roaring trade.  There has been a continuous stream of gay nudist tourists from around the world with some coming from as far away as Sidmouth.

Then last week the day came when Reginald and Mavis Pollock (both 33 and missionaries) rapped loudly on the door and asked for a room, which brought screeches of dismay from the outraged gays within.

Averting their eyes from the strange sights behind the door and declaiming in loud voices fortified by unshakeable righteousness, Reginald and Mavis demanded the right to be admitted as guests to the B&B.

They unashamedly declared that they wished to enter so that they might therein pursue their advocacy of the missionary position.

The two Rons flatly refused and, following many a bitter exchange, 5 minutes later Inspector Drustan Thaddeus Angove of the Relubbus Police appeared on the scene.

Inspector Angove, a much-feared detective and noted dwarf, took in the situation at a glance.  On seeing so many men in a state of undress, his practised eye told him the he needed re-inforcements.

In next to no time nine constables appeared, all armed with truncheons, which caused no end of excitement and delight within the house.

After some consideration, Inspector Angove led Reginald and Mavis away (still steadfastly averting their eyes), since, in his judgement, their attempt to gain entry to the renowned Pink House was a calculated provocation.

We shall be following any further developments in this case.

TAI CHI CAN HELP KEEP YOU REGULAR!!

Gladys Nicholls (108) invites you and all other seniors to join her Tai Chi class in the Drift community centre on Tuesday evenings at 10.30 pm.

Having been instructed in this ancient art by no less a personage than "Chinky" Penhaligon of the Dung Po Golden Junk Restaurant in Penzance, Gladys is now ready to pass on her knowledge to pensioners in West Penwith.

Gladys swears by Tai Chi and her husband Gerald also swears a great deal.

The couple are passionate advocates of the generally restorative effects that Tai Chi has on the body and Gladys also maintains that it keeps her regular.

If you are thinking of joining but are not sure if you will be up to it, Gladys assures that all movements are slow, gentle and graceful and will not place any undue strain on the body.

She does, however, advise that dentures and any other artificial body pieces are removed before each session.  If you do hand over your dentures, you can be sure that you will get a pair back at the end of the session.

A thirty minutes session costs just £75, so hurry along.  There is a coach collection service for seniors between Drift and Relubbus.

RELUBBUS ROUNDUP BIRTHDAY NEWS

 BIRTHDAY BOYS!!

The famous Tregavarah triplets - Abelard, Archilaus and Aardvark Angwin - are 50 years old today. 

Their parents have sadly passed on, but their Enty, Mrs Audrey Addicoat (94) of Gwavas Estate, was thrilled to be asked a few words about them by our reporter.

Putting her teeth in specially, she said,"My sister, Agnes, wudda bin sum proud of er boys, if she were ere neow!  After a few false starts, they boys is proper gents."

Abelard runs a thriving roadside grocery stall in the layby at Grumbla next to the Tremethick Cross turn-off. He says proudly, "I duh oney sell tattees and turnick!" 

Many people pass this way on route to their work in bustling Tremethick Cross or in the City of London or even in Wall Street, New York.

They always make a point of stopping to have a chat with Abelard and to buy a few of his potatoes and swedes (in Cornish 'turnick').  Apart from the splendid quality of his vegetables, which are eaten raw and unwashed by City-working health aficionados, another big draw is the opportunity to use pre-decimal currency, since Archilaus uses and accepts nothing else on his stall.

He opens at 3.00 am to catch the Wall Street-bound New York traffic and closes at 1.00 am to pick up trade from late night clubbers coming home from their revels in Tremethick Cross.

His brother, Archilaus, is a gentlemen's outfitter now specialising solely in taking inside leg measurements.  Rather than operating his own business premises, he travels, on his penny farthing bike, from one gents' outfitter's to another to provide this specialist service for others too shy to undertake this intimate service.  As he proudly boasts, "I doubt there iddena inside leg measurement in the olla Wes' Cornwall I ebben took!"

He is pictured here on the left, 'practising' on a young lady on the beach, just before she slapped him.

Aardvark, called by the other two 'the runta the litter', has had a somewhat less settled past and has been obliged to spend several spells at Her Majesty's pleasure for a string of repeated offences. 

Now, finally banned from working with small animals again, he is seeking to build up a fresh career in door-to-door sales of home-made wooden sunglasses.

The boys - all still single and available -have celebrated their happy day together by going out to share a slap-up meal at the Queen's Hotel on the Prom in Penzance.

IT IS CHRIS'S BIRTHDAY TOO!!

Chris Kelynack from Heamoor is 49 years old today.  Chris moved here 'frumup pas' Truru' some years back and no one is entirely sure whether this enigmatic person is male or female.

Chris is a freelance taxidermist working from home and derives a real pleasure - as well as a handsome income - from preserving deceased animals, usually beloved pets.

Chris has an unusual approach to this task and is setting something of a trend  by focussing on preserving only the skin of the animal and then filling it up with helium gas. so that it floats balloon-like.

Chris also attaches an Ipod pouch to the animals, so that the owners can listen to recordings of their loved ones or simply play music.

Chris is now applying to the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) for permission to treat deceased humans in this way so that loved ones can have them float around the room jabbering away just like they used to.

Chris celebrated the birthday in a very odd way, but despite the weird noises, would not explain what it involved.

WHAT HAPPENED TO LITTLE MAVIS??!!

Mavis Tergonning of Alverton Estate, Penzance, was 5 years old yesterday.  The little darling girl is the apple of her parents' eyes and, as her doting father says, "There idden nuthin we wooden do fer she!  Ansum she is too!"

So it was that at 9.30 yesterday morning the little girl took possession of the pet alligator that she always dreamed of having.  She named the animal "Alli" and rode him off to the playing field behind the Pirate pub. 

This moment was captured on camera by the proud parents and then put on immediate display on the mantelpiece in the front room.

However, the parents began to get concerned when little Mavis failed to come home.  Said distraught mother, Avril Tregonning, "I gotta bit wurried when she never come ome fer er danner.  But I thought 'she's out avinna bit fun wither lill pet.  We'll leave she be a bit longer.

"Then when she nevver come ome fer er tea, I said to Derrick, my usbant, I said to un, I said, 'Ere, Derrick, she ebben come ome yet - you goin out to look fer the maid, aree?"

Derrick set off to explore and, although he found the alligator burping contentedly in a corner of the field, he could find no trace of the girl. 

Mavis was nowhere to be found.  Police were then called in to investigate.  All are baffled by the disappearance.

ADVERTISEMENT

All this week at the Relubbus Panopticon Theatre!!!!!!

Mad Sarah Plain invites you to join her Tea Party.

Tickets are just £550 per person per hour!!

Yes, you've got to be mad to go there!

A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN

Bernice Skaggs, at just 23, the Bolitho Professor of Epic Greek Poetry and of Intravenous Stimulants at the prestigious University of Chyandour has achieved both fame and infamy in her comparatively short life so far.

The sharp searchlight of her forensic mind has opened up the world of Epic Greek Poetry to new generations of Cornish folk, whilst her easy-to-follow practical guide to intravenous stimulation has won countless followers, particularly in the Camborne area.

Whilst her academic work has rightly won her widespread recognition and acclaim from all sides, her somewhat racey lifestyle has sadly only brought her opprobrium -- as well as a Fatwah from the Botallack-based breakaway Methodist Fundamentalist Leader, Ali ben Polkinghorne.

Dressed in her trademark pink (above), she is often to be seen loitering outside unsavoury bars in West Penwith, trying to persuade punters to part with their cigarette cards so that she - an avid collector - can complete her collections all the sooner.

She is also believed to overindulge in her favourite Babycham.  Indeed, on one cold night in February, she was even found (by someone destined to play a major part in her life) at 3.00 am in the morning, stone drunk and wrapped around one of the lions on Penzance Promenade.

It is therefore refreshing that she is in the news again, but this time under the happy banner of good news.

The Roundup can now reveal that Bernice has decided to 'tie the knot' with septuagenarian Gwavas beau and 3rd highest winner in last week's Nancledra Lottery, Tommy "Ladies' Man" Trembath.

Tommy, pictured here quaffing a celebratory glass of Babycham, told the Roundup that he was attracted to the lissom Bernice as much by her intellect as by her good looks.

For it was none other than Tommy who stumbled across Bernice on that cold February night.  "I jes binout on a bender an' I cudden remember the wayome.  I wuz goin pass they lions on the Prom, when I 'eard a groan an' seen Madam, puking up something awful.  She wuz wiffin' o' Babycham and that wuz the clincher fer me!"

Tommy has until now eked out a rather precarious living by running the Ludgvan Latrine Hotel.

This frankly odd institution  has thusfar failed to win any significant interest amongst the emmet public. 

The paltry spartan furnishings of even its Presidential Suite are more reminiscent of an army bunkhouse than of some place that might be graced by a president.

The latrines, into which Tommy has sunk his entire inherited wealth, are faithful reconstructions of early medieval models and so make no concessions whatever to any notions of modern hygiene.

However, there has been a steady trickle of (usually Japanese) eccentrics over the years, who have been lured by the prospect of extremely basic accommodation and an array of untended and aggressively pungent 'medieval' latrines.

This has enabled Tommy to keep his head above water and even to buy the occasional bottle of his beloved Babycham.

The Nancledra Lottery win, believed to exceed three figures, will now enable the lovebirds to slip away to their sumptuous Goldsithney retreat on the outskirts of Greater Relubbus.

DUKE OF CORNWALL - NOW OF RELUBBUS?

Relubbus watchers around the world have been intrigued to hear of the preparations being made by the Duke of Cornwall (shown left) and his wife (the famous and luscious Lily Nichols look-alike) in their intent to move lock stock and barrel to "an ordinary housing estate".

They are, in fact, to move to the notorious Bramangath Estate, in Relubbus.

We are able to publish a picture of the sumptuous property they are said to have acquired.  It boasts a front door with a much sought-after porch area and a durable plastic doorbell, playing "Goin up Cambern 'ill comon' down".  Not only this, but it also has a fully functional door knocker.  The luxurious accommodation (three bedrooms and two inside toilets!!) includes a back door giving out on to the extensive grounds of a 30-foot garden, currently laid to waste.

Notwithstanding the fact that the property has the benefit of  a garage, the front garden has been turned to hard standing so as to be easily capable of accommodating the many expected and frequent guest cars.

To make the journey easier still for guests of the Duke to call in, the Roundup has discovered that the Gwavas Estate bus will be especially diverted to call at this new stop, which will be known as 'Lily's Corner' in honour of the woman Camilla most closely resembles.

Despite the huge influence and unparalleled reach of this celebrated publication, even we have not - yet - been able to secure pictures of the inside of the house, but we have have been able to note all the top class advisers and artisans who have been calling at this soon-to-be-famous semi-detached property.

Heamoor fine artist, interior designer, society hostess, pipe aficionado and accomplished drag artist, Nigel Trewern (31) has been responsible for the choice and fitting of all internal soft furnishings. 

Nigel said, over a calming pipe of Dunghill's Morning Mixture:

  "I bin given a budget o' £17.35 fer all the curtains. Wi' that kinamoney, I jes' gone bleddy mad and adda spendout! 

Iss sum bleddy smart in there neow, I kintellee!"

The house has been fitted with three toilets (two of which are inside!).  With an eye to the Duke's concern for disdvantaged minorities, the selected plumber is 28 years old controversial Lariggan Lesbian Communist, Leslie 'Lezzer' Lesnoweth.

This queen o' the pipes' has personally tested all three toilets and found them capable of dealing with anything nornal-sized the ducal duo can put down there.

Leslie will be on 24 hour call to deal with any toilet emergencies as they might arise.  Whilst she is reluctant to disclose the sum she will receive for this high-end service cover by way of retainer, it is rumoured that a figure close to £14.99 per month might well be near the mark!

To draw attention to the problems of child poverty and exploitation head-on, the Duke has elected 'pour encourager les autres' to employ a child as maid-of-all-work. 

Twelve years old Vanessa Trembath will be on duty in the house from 4.30 am until 1.00 am every day. However, she will have a half day free on Sunday March 21st 2032.

This, as Camilla herself declared, will give the poor girl something to look forward to, as she will not be paid.

The Duke's staffing arrangements have also taken full account of the burgeoning West Penwith gay community. 

He has chosen Darren 'Bunty' Behenna to be his butler , the 62-year-old outspoken chairperson of the All-Cornwall LGBT Canasta Club.

Bunty has designed his own fetching pink uniform and has promised to bring a really classy sparkle to all proceedings at the Bramangath house.

This will be particularly the case on Tuesday nights when the Duchess "duh 'ave 'er mates roun' fer wunna they posh Canasta, fags an' brown ale parties!"

The Roundup will return to embellish this 'coup' story with further details as they emerge.

RELUBBUS BUSINESS NEWS

By Business Correspondent O. P. Opie

These pages are usually given over to descriptions of the latest colourful power moves by local magnates such as Mr R.C. Oates and Mr W.G. Trevaskis, whose constant battles for supremacy in the hothouse that is Relubbus' business life are marked by daily cuts and thrusts that send the stockmarkets aspin.

Today, however, we take a look at some of the promising younger businesses in Relubbus that might offer the adventurous investor the opportunity of a lifetime.

Each business is the creation of an inspired young local entrepreneur and we have invited each of them to introduce their business here.

R.U. Bent (23) ("Call me "Rodney!') is a sensitive young man whose extreme closeness to his feminine side made growing up on Gwavas Estate more challenging than would otherwise have been the case.

Two years ago he set up Tranny Taxis of Newbridge and is hugely proud of the 12 car fleet he now has to offer his many clients.  All the drivers are either transsexuals or transvestites and all of them hold advanced driver's licences as well as qualifications in emergency make-up and 'rescue' fashion advice.

Rodney freely admits that he borrowed heavily on the business model of the unexpectedly lucrative Gay Taxi Company of Long Rock, but as he boldly states "There's 'nuff room fer both o' we.  We's Penwith is 'eavin wi' queer folk."

C.E. Drekkly (29) is a Rosudgeon man.  On leaving prison after serving a 6 year sentence for embezzlement and aggravated lies and deception, Charlie found that many doors were closed to him --  including those of his former professions of spiritual healer and financial adviser.

He quickly realised that he would have to employ himself - to set up his own business.  He hit upon the idea of providing hot air balloon trips and thus Bodrifty Family Hot Air Balloons was born.  Bodrifty balloons are launched at Lands End.

The 'basket'is a normal hot air balloon basket, but the  'lift' is provided by 16 helium-filled party balloons. This severely restricted lift potential tends to lead to an automatic fall, once the basket is pushed off the edge of the cliff, but it is sufficient to ensure that the descent is not as dangerously rapid as it might otherwise be.

However, the sensation of travel has been exciting enough to attract thousands of people (all emmets to date) to part with the necessary £1,400, which is the cost of this one way -- and, indeed, in 98% of cases, final -- trip.  Says Charlie, "I emt never looked back; the moneyz pourin' in!"
 

M. T. Head (32) ("Mos' people duh jes' call me Mike!") of Trewern Jailbird House Cleaning Service (TJHCS) has concerned himself with a challenge very similar to that solved by Charlie - namely how to find gainful employment for those newly released from prison, particularly in the case of those who have served time for extremely violent crimes.

Mike came up with the brilliant idea of using violent ex-cons in house cleaning, as they tend to have spent a large period of time in a confined space, which most of them have become anal about keeping clean.

Thus TJHCS was born and it now supplies house cleaning services from Lands End almost up as far as Truro.  The service is available at just £4 per hour and those concerned about their personal safety should take comfort in the fact that only 13% of the customer base has taken a bashing from their cleaners and there have been as yet no fatalities.  Says Mike, "The buzness is rockin' 'ere.  We're coinin' it in!  I've booked up fer 7 days 'oliday over Sennen.  Cash on the nail!"

E. B. Nigh (53) of Nancegollan offers Christian Car Cleaning and Gardening Services.  Edward ("Call me 'Teddie'") Nigh has been a sidesman at Chapels all over West Penwith and he is also a keen singer of hymns.  It was after morning service at Nancegollan Methodist Chapel that he was inspired to set up a car cleaning and gardening services company staffed solely by Methodist fundamentalists, who would carry out their work whilst singing hymns selected by their customers from the Methodist Hymn Book.

The business has boomed.  He now has 746 singing employees out working for the company and praising the Lord all over Cornwall.  It is expected that the service will launch out over the Tamar into England next month.

Negotiations have also been held with the Liechtenstein Lutheran Church to import this successful recipe for 'working whilst praising' into that country.

X. S. Wind (45) of Boskednan Dolls is a contented man.  Xenophon, or "Xen" as he likes to be known, worked for many years on the cheese counter in the lower Kwop in Penzance, where he achieved a notoriety for not wearing trousers.  Then came the moment when he got the idea of setting up his own company.

He says, "Th'idea come to me in a flash - get your kids interested in the wider worl' with Cuddly Political Dolls!!"

From his Boskednan headquarters and factory (employing 2,500 people) his company now turns out thousands of versions of dolls of  'Cute Lovable Margaret Thatcher, Romantic Arthur Scargill, 'Brummie boy' idol Enoch Powell, 'Big softie really' Bob Crow and soulful Melanie Philips. Apparently, the favourite doll is Daring Dick Cole, set to become an MP, overseas in Westminster.

Xen asks us to point out that the 'adult' version of the inflatable Margaret Thatcher doll is now available for men (3 A4 batteries provided, but no bicycle pump.  He further advises that the sell-out 'adult' version of the inflatable Margaret Beckett doll is now out of stock.

ENTY MAY'S SALON

Enty May (43 and Nancledra born and reared) is a much-loved contributor to the Roundup, who is prized by many for the carefully considered advice she hands out to those beset with the quandaries of modern life.

As she is also known for the quality of intellectual cut and thrust in her renowned Gwavas 'salon', we have asked her to share with us a snippet or two from her busy high society life - the envy of many in West Penwith.

Ello, my luvvers! Oweealldoinov? 

They nice Roundup people 'ave ast me to let ee all into bitta my busy life.  Well, I couldn' say'naw, could I, speshially when they offered a 'ole boxa they Ferrero Rotchers for 'un.  So 'ere goes!

I wuz deown Kwop 'smornin nice ' early doing my weekly shopliftin' an all I could 'ear roun' me was "Idn neverbinusbadazis".

So I said to Mrs 'Ollis (oo's out and about again after her opration down blow las' month) "Wassall that aboutuh? What ebbent bin subad?"

She said "This 'ere bad weather we're avin, tha's what!  I tell ee 'sfreezin up Buryan.  Ole man o' 98 upair 'ad 'is back'ouse toilet completely freeze ovver.  W'as worse, 'eed fallen asleep on un at the time an 'ad to be unfrozen with a blow torch!  Well, nearly did fer'n nat did, poor ole bugger."

"O, es", said I, with 'n understandin nod, while I carefully 'id nuther tin o' beans deown  my knickers.  

The shoppin was getting' a bit 'eavy neow and was beginin to show through the extra large cot I duh wear fer shopliftin.  So I said my goodbyes and went up tuh the till, where I 'anded over the pack o' penny chews I duh always get 'n pay fer.  While I was payin, I could ear the roar o' the car engine eoutside.

My eldest nephew, Trev, oo's 13 - summgoodeeis too, bless 'issoul - was waitin outside in today's noo car. Trouble is when you've borrowed ovun withoutta key, 's best to keep the engine runnin' --  which is jest as well as I might 'ave ad to leave in a 'urry.

I struggled roun to the back o the car, fished out the week's shopliftin' 'n chucktenall in the boot 'cept fer the bottle o' vodkee fer boy Trev, oo'd gone tuh the trouble a getting up early to find a car fer we and needed to 'ave a good reward.

Trev took a fews swigs and then drove me roun' tuh the Penzance Arts Club, where I was givin my weekly talk - topic gis week "Can Tories 'ave souls?"  Course, after a 'our o' entertaining deliberation, I 'ad to conclude that Tories only 'ave assoles - bleddy big ones too!"

Then - good as 'is word - Trev, my li'l bird, come roun' with a anawther noo car to tek me 'ome fer a nice cuppa tea and vodka.

Couldn' sit roun fer too long.  Ad tuh get muskates on, as I a'd that President Teacosy o' Frince comin round fer private advice on 'is li'l problum.  Anyway, more 'bout that sum other time. I gotta getonagain 'ereneow.  Cheers neow!  See ee 'gen dreckly!

Enty May

NEW SUPERHERO FOR RELUBBUS!

As far as Superheroes go, you may have heard of Batman and Gotham City, but have you heard of Relubbus and... "The Man with No Trousers"?

We present below (on far left) a partial snap of the reluctant hero -- who is known simply as The Man with No Trousers -- in a lucky photo taken on the Relubbus Underground, on the Central Line between the fashionable Boswedden Lane and Prospidnick Lane stops, by Agnes Tresidder (82), who commented merely, "I was takin’ my grandson's repaired camera 'ome on the Tube, when I suddenly saw The Man with No Trousers.

"I was sum shocked to see ov un and I must 'ave sumow pressed the button. Denzil, my grandson, told me I 'ad taken this 'ere picture."

Relubbus has been repeatedly astounded by reports of astonishing bravery and devilish and speedy skill on the part of an individual who moves quickly, very quickly indeed, but who wears no trousers. No one knows his name, but we print Mrs Tresidder's picture here in the fervent hope that someone -- maybe his mother -- will recognise the underpants the young man is wearing.

Mrs Tresidder added helpfully that, as he got off the train, she could observe pronounced "skid marks" on the reverse of the young hero's underpants, which might bring about a smile of knowing recognition on some proud mother's face. If the young hero can be found, a public honour to be presented by Council Leader Billy Spargo awaits him.

The young hero already has a string of acts of heroism to his name. Only last week, the Man with No Trousers appeared just in the nick of time to save Mrs 'Ollis' budgie from certain death in the jaws and paws of next door' s cat, Trewella.

The week before that he single-handedly neutralised 7 nuclear bombs that the People’s Republic of Hayle has recently imported from North Korea.

However, whilst many stories can be told about this latest of the Relubbus Legion of Superheroes, what news of the older established heroes such as 'Ooverman or Toiletwoman?

In a rare archive photograph, we proudly present here a picture of 'Ooverman in his very first act of derring do. Taken by an admiring amateur photographer, it shows 'Ooverman taking care of a spilt sherbet fountain in Marshall James' music store in Market Jew Street, Penzance, back in 1969.

Since then he and his hoover have been an ingredient of every natural disaster that has struck around the world. Bemused foreigners from Chernobyl to Bangladesh have been reassured by those comforting words delivered in a high-pitched West Cornish accent, "Orright, I'm 'ere neow, where can I plug it in?"

The fame of this superhero is shared by another Relubbus Superheroine, the so-called Toiletwoman. She has yet to perform a traditional "Superhero" act, but she has remained seated on the same toilet for 12 years, which is an accomplishment no one else has equalled.

We can report that she is still seated firmly on her toilet on the Gwavas Estate in Newlyn.

However, where might The Man with No Trousers be right now? Who can say… Have you seen him?