SHOCK REVELATION ABOUT DUCHY'S GOLDEN COUPLE

Starstruck followers of Relubbus high society have long been used to tales about the extravagant lifestyle of the 'golden couple' - Bert 'Len' Harvey from Towednack and Lily Nicholls from Perrannuthnoe.

As our readers will be well aware, Len prides himself on never having done an honest day's work in his life.  He has passed his time contentedly trolling around the Duchy of  Cornwall - sometimes in fancy costumes - obtaining freebies wherever he can.  He has been most successful at it.  In fact, he has turned cadging off the Duchy into a fine art form.

He is shown here, together with a bewildered Lily who can't find her roll-ups, in a snap taken at Penzance railway station, where he has just spotted the rent man coming towards him to try - unsuccessfully - to collect the 55 years rent owing on the luxury accommodation he shares with Lily in Colinsey Road, Penzance.

So famous has the couple become that no society event in Cornwall is now complete without an appearance from the 'Colinsey Kickback Kids'. 

Now, however, a new and unexpected light has been shone onto the so-called Duke and Duchess of Cornwall.

Following a heavy night out drinking with the girls at the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn, Lily let slip, after her eighteenth port and lemon, that she has never had carnal relations with Len.  Instead, she related, it is her reclusive twin sister, Filly, who lives in a nearby field, who has been the recipient of Len's earnestly amorous attentions.

Apparently, Len is unable to tell the two girls apart.  The Roundup has managed to obtain a rare family photo of the two girls together.  When you look at it, you can appreciate Len's problem.

If you are still struggling, Lily is the one on the right.

SHOCK FOR MOUSEHOLE BUSINESSMAN

Tommy Tregarthen (49) is a man who has made it big in fish.  Over 33 years he has built up a wet fish empire, which has grown to one shop in Mousehole AND a delivery van.

Tommy is a popular man in Mousehole.  Apart from fish, his interests are rhododendrons, pickled turnips, yodelling and conkers.

Tommy is also known to be something of a ladies' man.  One person very much of that opinion is his estranged wife. 

Nancy (41) is a senior stylist at Shelley's of St Just and Paris and she is also still exceedingly bitter about their separation and her failure to get a judge to agree that she should be entitled to receive half of Tommy's delivery van.

It was with some surprise that the Roundup received an invitation to visit the Tregarthen family home in Mousehole.  Nancy lives in the house and Tommy lives in a caravan in the drive, in which he occasionally receives lady visitors, which stirs Nancy's jealousy and anger to ever new heights.

When we arrived at the home, Nancy positioned our photographer and then summoned Tommy to come inside the house.

As soon as he had crossed the threshold,  she launched a ritual verbal attack - with a new and one-off twist.

"You bleddy basterd!  You 'ad that li'll tart, Kylie Pierce, in the caravan las' night, didnee?  Bleddy fool, you don't knaw where she been.  It'll be all ovver the Kwop by lunchtime.  Well, neow, I gotta surprise fer you, my cock!!"

Drawing herself up to her full four foot one inch (for they are both people of restricted growth), she then declared with great glee, "Well, my bird, don't gwout lookin' fer yer van today!  'Es my luvver, idn there namore! 'Es , I parked 'n' up somewhere special far ee, my 'ansome!" 

At the mention of his beloved Austin A35 van, he blenched in fear of what news might follow, for he strongly sensed that the news might not be good.

Fixing him with an intense stare, which sought to drain his very life force and savouring this moment of pay-back time, Nancy then administered the killer blow.  "'Es Cappen, I parked 'n' up sum proper far ee this time. [Dramatic Pause] I pushed 'n' ovver th' edge o' Mousehole Pier!"

This was the moment captured by our ace photographer, Dougie Pengelly.

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Do you require a not-so-decorative slattern with a particularly foul mouth?

Lucy Trevanion (27) an unsuccessful trainee streetwalker from Botallack, where business is extremely slack at present, is seeking new employment.

Her ideal job would be operating the mangle in Penzance laundry, which she would find rewarding and fun.  She claims to have come third in the 2008 Apprentice series and syas that she is accordingly passionate about business.

Lucy can be contacted only by post - addressed to Lucy Trevanion, Botallack.

CHRISTMAS GETS A NEW LOOK IN MARAZION!!

The Marazion Apollo Theatre - as can be seen in the picture on the left - has been looking a little run down in recent years. 

The once hugely popular 37-seat theatre had seen better days - almost all of which are no longer within living memory.

The exception, of course, is in the case of 125-year-old "Lucky" Pender, who still lives in the same Barncoose hospital for the criminally insane that he has occupied since that fateful day - 110 years ago - when he tried to burn down Simpsons of Penzance after the staff of that fashionable store laughed at him when he tried on a new pair of trousers only to reveal that he wore no underpants.

Apparanetly "Lucky" still has vivid childhood memories of the place.

It has therefore come as considerable relief to many folk that the Relubbus mega-multibillionnaire entrepreneur, R C Oates, has dug deep in his generous pockets to splash out on a £749 refurbishment that has made the Marazion Apollo once again the number one entertainment centre within 172 yards of the famous Marazion town centre.

Resplendent in its new glory, the 10,000 seat renewed Marazion Apollo is set to clean up on Christmas and New Year Entertainment bookings in West Penwith.

The new artistic director of the Apollo is none other that Mrs Doris 'Ollis (43), who has been lured over from her job at the Treneere Fish Bar to take on this demanding role for an hourly reward, which is rumoured to run well below double figures.

A major factor in her readiness to take on this role lies in the fact that her husband ('usbant), Boris, is the driver of the bus that connects Penzance Bus station with Marazion.  "Eegen gimme free lift on the wayome like!", says an excited Mrs 'Ollis.

Doris has been given an artistic free hand and is using this opportunity to bring exciting new talent to the West Cornish stage.

We present just four of the new discovery headline acts she is bringing this Christmas.

Top of the bill is the "Pub Landlady" - or Lily Nichols as she is better known.  For some years, Lily has been practising her stand-up routine on the streets of Helston outside its various hostelries.  Fortified by cans generously donated by members of the public, she maintains a stream of comical verbiage until the stand-up becomes a fall-down, at which point the show ends and the Salvation Army moves in.

Thus honed in the harsh world of street stand-up, Lily will be bringing her routine  to the new Marazion Apollo stage.  Lily will be having a few drinks and telling a few stories of clever observational humour before she reaches the stage of technical fall-down or becomes too incoherent or lewd and has to be dragged from the stage.

Next up on the bill comes the raw sex and sizzle provided by the risqué burlesque troupe - "They Naughty Hopalong Maids" - from Tregeseal, St Just.

All six girls have in common the fact that they have been expelled from school for reasons termed as inappropriate behaviour and also the fact that they hop everywhere they go - including on stage.

They will be dancing - hopping - to their own rendition of "The Old Grey Duck", "Goin up Cambern 'Ill" and other classic favourites well known to the crowds.

Sure to be another success with the audience is the hypnotist's act known simply as Camp Count Colin.  This is a speciality act with a twist.   Colin - who hails from far away up in North Cornwall - is a mysterious type, who likes the Gothic look.

Exuding a manic confidence despite his strongly lisping stammer and startling falsetto voice, Colin affects what he regards as an East European accent, which, when married with his obviously Cornish vocabulary and grammar, creates a novel impact.

Amongst the embarassing things he gets his hypnotised victims (always young men) to do is to profess their love for him.  "It duh give a noo meanin' to 'turn queer', thasswat I duh say!"

Used to the 'anything goes' atmosphere prevailing in the nightclubs of Trewint and Tregole, Colin is now under strict instructions to keep his act clean enough for a family audience.

The final offering to gain a mention here is a new novelty act from Scotland - "The Two Tweeters",  a married couple by the name of Gordon and Sarah.

This pair of lovebirds performs an eye-catching tap dance whilst they simultaneously play the spoons in a routine so obviously dreamt-up and rehearsed in the comfort of their own front room.  However, such is the charm of their smiles - particularly Gordon's - that it is quite compelling.

They will also be singing a medley of songs - some of Gordon's own composition - including one about an old ex-friend:

"Who is that bastard?

His name is Tony............" (to the tune of "You take the High Road")

Ticket enquiries can be made at a booth in the alleyway next to "Out of the Blue"  in Market Place, Marazion.  You are advised to hurry as tickets are expected to sell quickly.

CAMILLA IN SEAGULL HORROR!

As regular readers will know, "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall" is actually none other than Lily Nichols, an ex bag-lady from Perranuthnoe, who has convinced large sections of the English press that she is an aristocrat!

On Tuesday, the "Duchess" visited Plymouth Naval Base, where she was guest of honour at the commissioning of the Navy's latest state-of-the-art vessel, the huge aircraft carrier Titanic. Lily has become a firm favourite of the matelots: she has already attended the commissioning of seven warships, namely the Black Pig, Venus, Hispaniola, Marie Celeste, Jolly Roger, Skylark, and Graf Spee.

Lily Nicholls is a talented and resourceful Cornish woman who has, up to now, enjoyed great success in her chosen profession of conning the English. However, on this occasion, her luck almost ran out! She was half-way through her speech when -- disaster! A passing seagull, evidently mistaking "Camilla's" lined features and large white hat for a weather-beaten, guano-encrusted, sea crag, alighted on her hat and settled itself, as though on a nest!

For a moment, Lily was unaware what had happened, until the bemused expressions of the onlookers made her realise that something was wrong. Slowly, a titter of mirth passed through the audience and Lily became embarrassed, thinking that her disguise had been penetrated. However, Lily is made of stern stuff and, drawing herself up to her full height, she shook her head, as though to clear her senses. At this, the bird flew off, with the "Duchess" still no wiser about what had happened!

Luckily, ace Roundup photographer Snapper Kelynack was there to capture the moment, shown above.

NEWS IN BRIEF

Prospidnick beats Goldsithney in nailbiting finish in "Top of the Form"

The victorious Prospidnick "Top of the Form" team beat 460 other schools in the popular Relubbus TV Schools' Quiz to emerge as winners after defeating Goldsithney in a dramatic final filmed in the luxurious surroundings of the Gay Plumbers' Suite in the Relubbus Intercontinental.

The winning team consists of Bernie Trevains (16), Herbert "Plunger" Pender (17), Edith Malpas-Nance (16) and Ned Nudd (17).

Programme presenter, Tren Addicoat said, "I ebbent never seen nuthin scudasthat! 'Scitin' it was!  I nearly wet meself, but they boys from up Prospidnick duh deserve t' win.

Neckuneck it was tilla las' question - 'Wassa full name o' the famous Lily Nichols lookalike?'  Plunger come in quick as you like withis finger on the buzzer, shouting the winnin' enser - 'Camiknickers!"

The winning team has won a luxury afternoon on Porthmeor beach with one free cup of tea and a saffron bun each.

Respected Policeman retires at last

Detective Chief inspector Lionel Liddicoat (59) is retiring from the police service after 41 years on the force.

His retirement will be met with a big sigh of relief from the West Cornish criminal  fraternity, who have come to fear him over the years.

Lionel was a most unusual police officer in that he was always accompanied by his ventriloquist's dummy, 'Dorothy'.

Dorothy did much - indeed, frankly all - of the the talking for them both, although, as Dorothy maintains, "You kent never see 'is lips movin'!"

From the age of 14, Lionel and Dorothy have been inseparable. Not only criminals, but also judges, police colleagues - not to mention Lionel's wife, Doris, their three children and the family budgie - have all got used to speaking to Lionel through Dorothy.

When Dorothy has to be handed in for essential repairs, Lionel has been inconsolable and quite silent, apart from a loud sobbing.

This tight union has been recognised and accepted by the grateful Relubbus Police Force.  Both Lionel and Dorothy are to receive distinguished service medals at a public meeting to be held at the St John's Hall in Boswedden Lane.

As Dorothy says, "I aren't surprised - we deserve un - but ee's ovver the moon bowtit!  Git plumb boy ee is, idna?!"

Undergound Link between New York and Relubbus now almost complete!

As some readers will know, the plans to link up the New York Metro with the Relubbus Underground are well advanced.

The Roundup can now report that there is only one mile left between the Cornish tunnel (pictured) and the American tunnel.

The flagging US and New York economies have brought all Americans to pin their hopes for recovery on the coming direct connection to the roaring economic lion that is the Relubbus economy.

Relubbus engineers have designed a special high speed steam train ("The Trevithick") that will run between the two cities at such a fast speed that the crossing is expected to be achieved in less than fifteen minutes.

Says Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman, Billy Spargo (114), "They trains are so fast - I kent bleddy bleeve it.  'Owevver, I am 'appy to 'elp out they Yanks.  'Alf o' they are Cornish anyway!  I shall gw'ovver fer the pasty supper at th' openin'."

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Enty Doreen's Laundry for Old-fashioned Service you can rely on!

"Enty" - Doreen Trembath - - is  a svelte young 39 year old lady from up Colinsey Road in Penzance.  Enty realised some 17 years ago, after the birth of her 6th child, that there was a market in laundry "done the old-fashioned way".

Using a £115 start up loan from Duane Polkinghorne of Nancledra Investment Management, she purchased the very best washer/dryer available from Polkinghorne's 'Gadgets from Yesteryear' range and set up her business in her Mum's utility room.

Seventeen years later and she's still there and still paying off the interestingly structured  Polkinghorne loan, whoch now stands at £98,786.78.  The business is thriving (says Mr Polkinghorne).

"Enty" will wash and iron your entire weekly wash for just £2.75.!!!!

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DUKE OF CORNWALL - NOW OF RELUBBUS?

Relubbus watchers around the world have been intrigued to hear of the preparations being made by the Duke of Cornwall (shown left) and his wife (the famous and luscious Lily Nichols look-alike) in their intent to move lock stock and barrel to "an ordinary housing estate".

They are, in fact, to move to the notorious Bramangath Estate, in Relubbus.

We are able to publish a picture of the sumptuous property they are said to have acquired.  It boasts a front door with a much sought-after porch area and a durable plastic doorbell, playing "Goin up Cambern 'ill comon' down".  Not only this, but it also has a fully functional door knocker.  The luxurious accommodation (three bedrooms and two inside toilets!!) includes a back door giving out on to the extensive grounds of a 30-foot garden, currently laid to waste.

Notwithstanding the fact that the property has the benefit of  a garage, the front garden has been turned to hard standing so as to be easily capable of accommodating the many expected and frequent guest cars.

To make the journey easier still for guests of the Duke to call in, the Roundup has discovered that the Gwavas Estate bus will be especially diverted to call at this new stop, which will be known as 'Lily's Corner' in honour of the woman Camilla most closely resembles.

Despite the huge influence and unparalleled reach of this celebrated publication, even we have not - yet - been able to secure pictures of the inside of the house, but we have have been able to note all the top class advisers and artisans who have been calling at this soon-to-be-famous semi-detached property.

Heamoor fine artist, interior designer, society hostess, pipe aficionado and accomplished drag artist, Nigel Trewern (31) has been responsible for the choice and fitting of all internal soft furnishings. 

Nigel said, over a calming pipe of Dunghill's Morning Mixture:

  "I bin given a budget o' £17.35 fer all the curtains. Wi' that kinamoney, I jes' gone bleddy mad and adda spendout! 

Iss sum bleddy smart in there neow, I kintellee!"

The house has been fitted with three toilets (two of which are inside!).  With an eye to the Duke's concern for disdvantaged minorities, the selected plumber is 28 years old controversial Lariggan Lesbian Communist, Leslie 'Lezzer' Lesnoweth.

This queen o' the pipes' has personally tested all three toilets and found them capable of dealing with anything nornal-sized the ducal duo can put down there.

Leslie will be on 24 hour call to deal with any toilet emergencies as they might arise.  Whilst she is reluctant to disclose the sum she will receive for this high-end service cover by way of retainer, it is rumoured that a figure close to £14.99 per month might well be near the mark!

To draw attention to the problems of child poverty and exploitation head-on, the Duke has elected 'pour encourager les autres' to employ a child as maid-of-all-work. 

Twelve years old Vanessa Trembath will be on duty in the house from 4.30 am until 1.00 am every day. However, she will have a half day free on Sunday March 21st 2032.

This, as Camilla herself declared, will give the poor girl something to look forward to, as she will not be paid.

The Duke's staffing arrangements have also taken full account of the burgeoning West Penwith gay community. 

He has chosen Darren 'Bunty' Behenna to be his butler , the 62-year-old outspoken chairperson of the All-Cornwall LGBT Canasta Club.

Bunty has designed his own fetching pink uniform and has promised to bring a really classy sparkle to all proceedings at the Bramangath house.

This will be particularly the case on Tuesday nights when the Duchess "duh 'ave 'er mates roun' fer wunna they posh Canasta, fags an' brown ale parties!"

The Roundup will return to embellish this 'coup' story with further details as they emerge.

CHRISTMAS IN RELUBBUS

As these scenes show, Relubbus is bedecked once more with fresh snow.

On the left is the view of the eastern side of the city taken from the 93rd floor of the famous R. C. Oates building yesterday.

This next picture shows the traditional ice sculpture situated at the bottom of Treslothan Avenue just off fashionable Boswedden Lane.

In the immortal and Spooneristic words of His High Excellency Councillor Billy Spargo (100, pictured left, the Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC),  "The town 'ave put on 'is festive cloak and is lookin' sum smucking fart!"

So what is happening around Relubbus at this time of year?  The Roundup's reporters have been out and about gathering stories to bring to our international and eager audience.

Christmas is nothing if not a time when we all think of those who are less fortunate than ourselves.  For this reason, very special appreciation must go to local business, Shelley's Hair and Beauty, for offering a Christmas special to certain folk who are having a hard time of it and can't afford a hairdo.

Lily Nichols, a Bag Lady from Porthlebben, who normally has little more in her bag than a few cans of White Lightning cider, the week's stock of roll-ups and certainly no ready cash for hairdos, was delighted to receive an offer of a free coiffure at Shelley's.  Lily turned up (shown here in the picture of the left) fully expecting to get the treatment from a willing, but fairly inexperienced, junior.  She was therefore delighted to have the attention of the great Shelley herself.

The Roundup reporters, alerted to the occasion by no more than a few dozen frantic phone calls, happened to saunter up to the scene,  there to capture this act of generosity and were therefore extremely
surprised - not to say disgusted - to observe Lily, after the free hairdo, simply helping herself to costly adornments from Shelley's carefully decorated Christmas tree.  Magnanimous as ever, Shelley, when her attention was drawn to Lily's bulging bag of freshly stolen Christmas tree decorations, said, "Leave 'er be, poor old maid.  You seen the state of that old git Lily duh 'ang round with?  I aren't gunna press no charges." 

Meanwhile life in Relubbus clubland seems to have been hotting up.  GRUC Council Leader, Billy Spargo, has called for self-restraint on the part of the lucky citizens of Relubbus, who are free from the concerns of Credit Crunch, Global warming and those other matters, which afflict the other nations of the world.  "They ebbent got it as good as what we 'ave ovver ere, so I duh want to see people goin easy on the livin it up ere."

It was therefore somewhat embarassing to see Councillor Spargo's own great granddaughter Trezela (21) emerging the worse for wear from notorious nightclub 'Queer Feelings' in Prospidnick Terrace, just off fashionable Boswedden Lane.

The club is run by two characters, who like to be known as Boris and Doris Morris, shown here on the left.

This night venue has acquired a reputation for staging, in the opinion of Supreme Relubbus Methodist Leader, Hajjatodjah Ernie Pascoe, "entertainment of an unseemly and unwholesome nature"".

The club is currently featuring a Japanese male dance troupe called "High Voltage".  Accompanied by a mournful Shamisen, the near naked men lift one leg up after the other emitting baleful cries, whilst audience members take it in turn to adjust the level of voltage in the shocks administered to the dancers to keep them moving for hours on end.   The climax of their 24 hour long act is a triumphant rendition of Kyu Sakamoto's smash hit "Sukiyaki"(still at No.3 in the Relubbus gramophone charts).

Trezelah Spargo was caught by a paparazzo leaving the club very early on Sunday morning and, although she managed a graceful smile for the camera, it very clearly betrayed the fact that she had generous smudgings of cocaine under her nose.  Regarded as the apple of her great-grandfather's eye, Trezelah's exposure as a patron of 'Queer Feelings' and as a cocaine user is likely to bring more than a tear to that most famous of centenarian eyes.  The Roundup will follow development of this story, but feels it is unlikely that Trezelah will be getting any Christmas presents from great-grandpa this year.

Meanwhile, it is the Christmas season and every child in Relubbus is hoping to receive a visit from Father Christmas.  It is therefore with great sadness that Relubbus police have to bring to the attention of all employers and parents the reported appearance in Relubbus of a noted weirdo, one Dougie Botterell, masquerading as Father Christmas.  

The accompanying picture shows the offender in his 'Christmas gear'.  Observant readers will note that the eyes betray a certain malevolent fire not normally associated with Father Christmas.

Dougie does have a disturbing, though apparently not yet dangerous, obsession.  A sufferer of 'leftsockitis', it is his abnormal desire to remove and keep the left sock of any child he meets.  He has been found working as a 'Santa' in many shops from which children emerge content with their present from Father Christmas, but minus their left sock.

The 2009 search for 'The Most Patriotic Relubbus Family' has resulted in a happy victory for the Trembath family of Bramangath street, Relubbus.

The family are shown here on the left.  They are Methodius Kammbronn Trembath, the father (115), wearing Cornish kilt, Mary-Margaret Tregavarah Trembath (42) mother, and Xylophone Trelissick Trembath (15) daughter.

The family are monoglot Kernewek speakers and resolutely reject all influences from outside Relubbus and Cornwall.  Mr Trembath is a Cornish kiltmaker by trade and his wife makes pasties commercially, having been appointed sole supplier to the royal families of  Liechtenstein, Monaco, Luxembourg and (although this is hushed up for political reasons) also to the People's Republic of Hayle, whose leader 'Combover' Ventongimps is very partial to her pasties.  

The maid, Xylophone, has put her name down at the Relubbus Academy of Courtesans, but, if she fails to get in, will be trying to pursue a career in underwater woodwind music.  Why did they win?  Well, word has it that none other than Billy Spargo is also very partial to Mrs Trembath's pasties.

We end our Christmas edition with a caption competition.  What is one bird saying to the other?

The most hilarious answer written on the back of a banker's draft for £15,000 will, if drawn, secure the lucky entrant this latest version of the Cornwall Motor Works (CMW) newest offering, the Praze-an-Beeble (shown below).

So hurry off to a bank today, get your banker's draft for £15,000 and submit your entry now!

Please note that there is nothing to stop you submitting more than one entry, provided that each one is submitted on a separate banker's draft in the correct amount.  We regret however that no one person may submit more than 5,000 entries.

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

LILY LOOKALIKE SPOTTED IN MARAZION

The mystery lady who bears a remarkable resemblance to Lily Nichols, the con-artist and ex-bag lady from Perranuthnoe, has been sighted again, this time in Marazion. Previous sightings have been in Morrison's, the KWOP, and Lidl's in Penzance. She has also been seen loitering outside the flagship RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus.

This time, the mystery woman seemed to think that she had been invited to start the Trevaskis Challenge Round the World Raft Race (jointly sponsored by W.G. Trevaskis and English Heritage). Luckily, ace Roundup photographer "Snapper" Kelynack was in Marazion to cover the start of the race, and took the picture on the left.

Meanwhile, Lily Nichols herself, who makes a very comfortable living out of convincing the English media that she is an aristocrat (the mythical Duchess of Cornwall) is said to be furious at the antics of the interloper, whom she sees as trying to cash in on her territory.

"'Oo duh she think she is?" Lily complained yesterday. "Lollopin' aroun' like a git muppet, askin' people "How do you do?" an' "What do you do?" in thet bleddy silly voice?!"

CAMILLA PRESENTS CULTURAL VANDALISM AWARDS

Lily Nichols, the ex-bag lady from Perranuthnoe, reprised her familiar role of the mythical English aristocrat, the soi-disant "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall", on Wednesday, when she presented the annual National Cultural Vandalism Awards, sponsored by the Department of the Environment and English Heritage. (It's amazing to us that the English press haven't cottoned on to Lily yet. They still seem to believe that "the Duchess of Cornwall" is a real person! Ed.)

Presenting the awards at English Heritage's South Western headquarters in Bristol yesterday, "Camilla" announced the winner of the prestigious "Vandal of the Year" award to be none other than -- English Heritage!

In her speech, the "Duchess" praised EH for its "crass ignorance and arrogance in ignoring the depth of resentment in Cornwall about Cornish Celtic and pre-Celtic sites being administered by an unelected body calling itself "English Heritage", under a banner based on the red-and-white flag of England".

It was to honour just such insensitivity that the National Cultural Vandalism awards had been instigated, she said.

The award itself is a headdress in the form of a Christian halo, and the awards ceremony involves the presenter removing the halo from her own head and placing it on the head of the recipient. Lily is shown above, wearing the award before the ceremony.

In response to the award, EH South West's Chief Administrative Officer, Mr Kyron Bunt, said that he was proud that the organization's role in erasing the distinctive culture of small nations had been recognized.

The Duchess announced the joint winners of the runners-up prize to be the local artists responsible for removing the "English rose" symbol from hundreds of brown tourist signs, throughout Cornwall.

In second place, the vandalised "English rose" road sign

DO YOU KNOW THIS MYSTERY WOMAN???

People all over West Cornwall have been encountering a mystery woman, pictured below, who stops them, and asks "How do you do?" and "What do you do?" in an affected way, which suggests she believes that the innocent accostee knows who she is, which they never do.

She has been spotted in Morrison's, in the KWOP and at Lidl's in Penzance. She has also been seen loitering with intent outside the flagship RC Oates Supestore in Relubbus.

Some suspect that she is trying to emulate the celebrity of Lily Nichols, the ex-bag lady from Perranuthnoe, who is widely admired in Cornwall for having conned large sections of the gullible English media into believing that she is an aristocrat, namely the wife of the so-called Duck of Cornwall.

Lily's impersonations are particularly effective when she is accompanied by her friend from the home with his impressive set of false ears.

Maybe the mystery lady is after the same acclaim as Lily, to whom she bears a strong resemblance, except in the matter of body odour, where she has way to go to match Lily's virulent pungency.

Quite apart from her strong physical similarity to Lily Nichols, she also resembles her in that she likes a good roll-up, and has been seen popping into various stores to top up her supplies of Old Shag and cigarette papers. She then starts badgering people for a light, saying things like, "I simply must smoke it here, Big Ears doesn't like it when I smoke at home!"

The mystery lady also like to take a drink or two, or three....

'CAMILLA IS A KLEPTO' CLAIM!

Lily Nichols, the ex bag-lady from Perranuthnoe who has convinced large sections of the English press that she is in fact "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall", was involved in an embarrassing incident on Tuesday when she opened the new Trevaskis superstore at Long Rock.

This was the first time that Lily has undertaken an engagement in her native Cornwall: up to now, she has always declined Cornish engagements, for fear that she might be recognised by a passing Perranuthnoe resident with a long memory. As events were to prove, it was a precaution that Lily may regret having abandoned.

As the "Duchess" arrived at the store, she was greeted by a vast crowd of five (and one dog) that lined the streets. Royalists in the crowd cheered and clapped and waved Union flags. A Cornish Nationalist shouted "Kernow Kensa! Bugger off!" The dog was silent.

The Duchess is shown above, being escorted around the aisles of the new store by the store owner, multi-billionaire Mr W.G. Trevaskis, whose meanness is a legend in West Cornwall.

Ace Roundup photographer "Snapper" Kelynack has captured the exact moment when "Camilla", having lifted a bar of chocolate from one of the counter displays, surreptitiously began to eat it, with Mr Trevaskis, following behind, none the wiser.

Worse was to follow. As Camilla left the store, an alarm was suddenly triggered, which seemed to emanate from the Duchess. It was very loud and very persistent. The crowd that lined the pavements fell silent in shock. The noise droned on.

Suddenly, two large security women appeared. Perhaps unaware of the identity of the "Duchess", or perhaps called, notwithstanding her celebrity, by Mr Trevaskis (whose meanness is a legend in West Cornwall), they seized the Duchess and frisked her. A succession of objects fell to the ground -- a box of biscuits, more chocolate, a half-bottle of gin. The crowd looked on in horror.

Then a passing Perranuthnoe resident (with a long memory) called out "'Ow are 'ee, Lily me 'ansum? I'd a knawed 'ee anywhere! Still lika bitta gin, I see!" Camilla's embarrassment was complete!

CAMILLA IN SEAGULL HORROR!

As regular readers will know, "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall" is actually none other than Lily Nichols, an ex bag-lady from Perranuthnoe, who has convinced large sections of the English press that she is an aristocrat!

On Tuesday, the "Duchess" visited Plymouth Naval Base, where she was guest of honour at the commissioning of the Navy's latest state-of-the-art vessel, the huge aircraft carrier Titanic. Lily has become a firm favourite of the matelots: she has already attended the commissioning of seven warships, namely the Black Pig, Venus, Hispaniola, Marie Celeste, Jolly Roger, Skylark, and Graf Spee.

Lily Nicholls is a talented and resourceful Cornish woman who has, up to now, enjoyed great success in her chosen profession of conning the English. However, on this occasion, her luck almost ran out! She was half-way through her speech when -- disaster! A passing seagull, evidently mistaking "Camilla's" lined features and large white hat for a weather-beaten, guano-encrusted, sea crag, alighted on her hat and settled itself, as though on a nest!

For a moment, Lily was unaware what had happened, until the bemused expressions of the onlookers made her realise that something was wrong. Slowly, a titter of mirth passed through the audience and Lily became embarrassed, thinking that her disguise had been penetrated. However, Lily is made of stern stuff and, drawing herself up to her full height, she shook her head, as though to clear her senses. At this, the bird flew off, with the "Duchess" still no wiser about what had happened!

Luckily, ace Roundup photographer Snapper Kelynack was there to capture the moment, shown above.

Issue 13, 8th October 2007

PRESS SCANDAL AS LUDGVAN MAN DIES OF SHOCK AFTER LOTTERY WIN

The whole of Ludgvan was plunged into mourning when it was revealed that 77-year-old Charlie Jacka had passed away with shock at discovering that he had scooped £9,000,000 on the Relubbus National Lottery.

Charlie's mates, Tim Blewett (67) on the left and Dickie Angwin (71) on the right, had called in the Roundup photographers to capture the moment, which should have been one of the happiest in Charlie’s life. Charlie, an agricultural labourer, had been telling everyone for years that he was due a big win. "I probberly paid in about £700 ovver the years and I can feel, in my bones, a big win comin' my way!"

Tim had checked Charlie’s ticket for him, as he did every week in view of Charlie’s extremely delicate heart condition. He saw that Charlie had hit the jackpot with his favourite numbers (1,2,3,4,5,6) and thought that the moment of revelation should be captured on camera for the Roundup. According to the little-read Relubbus Gazette (a shabby publication of no merit somehow mysteriously chosen by the Lottery for publication of winning numbers and payouts) Charlie’s numbers had come up and he was due the sum of £9,000,000.

As our picture reveals, Charlie’s heart gave out at the moment he heard the incredible news. Both Tim and Dickie were beside themselves with grief. Since Charlie had no family whatever and they were his best friends, they overcame their grief sufficiently to immediately scramble to the telephone to find out who would get the money.

It was then that the sad, but in our view wholly plausible, matter of the Relubbus Gazette misprint came to light. Winnings that week were, in fact, only £900 and not £9,000,000. Agnes Trevorrow, the scatty editor of that travesty of a newspaper, the Relubbus Gazette, had to admit that "we bin ‘avin problems with the zero button recently and it duh git stuck. You kent check everythin’!"

The £900 were later claimed by Liza Tonkin (48), self-styled "male agitation relief practitioner", who presented IOUs to the value of £1,570 given to her by Charlie. "Ee was poor, but 'ee was a proper gennlemun an sum ansum too! "

Readers are invited to encourage friends and family to spread this story abroad so that unfortunate readers of the Gazette may take note and switch their allegiance to the Roundup, a magazine of the highest probity and journalistic standards.
LEN AND LILY AT IT AGAIN!
Bert ("Len") Harvey, the "resting" actor from Towednack, and his partner-in-crime Lily Nichols, the ex bag-lady from Perranuthnoe, have been at it again! Pictured here at a Highland Games in Fort William, it seems that their deception of the Scottish press has been as successful as that of the English. It is amazing to the Roundup that to date apparently no-one outside Kernow has seen through their act as the bogus aristocrats the "Duke and Duchess of Cornwall".

Always supportive of local talent that succeeds on a wider stage, the Roundup congratulates them on their consummate professionalism. Notice how Len conveys perfectly the picture of hereditary torpidity and incipient, drink-fuelled, gout, while Lily smiles in silent admiration.


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INTERNATIONAL BANK HQ RELOCATES TO RELUBBUS
The Midland banking empire has relocated its international headquarters from Shanghai to a prestige site in Boswedden Lane, Relubbus. Following a year-long architectural competition to which leading architects from every continent submitted designs, the eventual winner was a 1930s "retro"-style design by local Relubbus architect William Spargo Jnr. Announcing the decision, chairman of the judges Councillor Billy Spargo said: "Us all thought this 'un wuz a proper job."

The huge new building, shown left, took two years to build, using local granite and imported Italian white marble.

The vastness of the interior is hinted at in the picture on the right, which shows one part of the ground floor banking hall.

Speaking at the opening of the new international headquarters, Midland CEO Sir Basil Bin Laden-Ramprakash said:
"We were in no doubt we had to come to Relubbus. It is simply the place to be these days. Nowhere else in the world has such a dynamic, expanding economy, combined with a cheap and plentiful labour supply with no union representation.

Although the price of land here is higher than in Manhattan, it has to be worth it. The Relubbus mega-capitalists R.C. Oates and W.G. Trevaskis have shown what is possible here."
X FACTOR X A KNOCKOUT SUCCESS!
By our Arts Correspondent

The Relubbus Panopticon Theatre at the end of Boswedden Lane is once again the setting for the enormously popular X Factor X, brainchild of the mega-multi-billionnaire Relubbus impressario (and only part-time chiropodist), Columbus Clemo, pictured left, for whose job Simon Cowell was an unsuccessful candidate.

For anyone unfamiliar (how could they be!) with the order of play, X Factor X is a process to find the top West Penwith entertainment act of the year. The event runs from the beginning of the autumn right up until Christmas and features -- every night -- different acts from all over the region, vying with one another to be elected winners of this prestigious competition. The Panopticon theatre is packed out to its full capacity of 11 people every night, each of whom gets to cast their vote for the night’s winner. There is also a winner of the week, of the month, and so on, until at Christmas the agony for the finalists is ended with the selection of the winner and the award of fabulous prizes.

Last year’s winner, Willy Curnow (37), found his life transformed by "the big win". Willy stormed through the whole contest to universal acclaim with his farting ventriloquists’s dummy, "Windy" (4), who had crowds falling off their seats with uncontrollable spasms of laughter. The devilishly clever dialogue [ "Ave you jes’ farted again?" "Course, I bleddy ‘ave, d’you think I duh always smell like gis?"] and the fact that you could hardly see his lips move at all, even when he was speaking, all added to the magical mix that made Curnow outright winner and darling of the audience.

Before the win, Curnow was just a milkman for the Kwop. After "the big win", he received: a week’s free travel on any Western National bus passing between Relubbus and Penzance; a record contract with Marshal James Records of Penzance (entitling him to one free record -- of Watling Jones singing "How great is the Lord!"); free groceries for a day at R. C. Oates' Superstore in Relubbus (up to a value of £4.35); one half-price Jelberts' ice cream; one free "go" on the mini-golf on Penzance Prom (before 7.30 am and on a Monday, or at anytime when it is raining). Showered with these life-changing gifts, Willy did not know where to turn. He has yet to "cash in" his gifts and, being a modest man, has kept on his job at the Kwop. "I aren’t gunna let fame go to my ‘ead", he declared defiantly.

This year’s competitors are spurred on by the sight of Willy’s stunning success and the lavish gifts he has received. They are now re-doubling their furious efforts to win the coveted X Factor X prize.

This year’s hopefuls include an unbelievable crop of West Cornish talent with 7,500 entries, including 112 from Tremethick Cross alone. The Roundup’s entertainment spotter, Daisy Penalverne, has been checking out all the talent and now presents for our readership the hot favourites for X Factor X in 2007.

"Smeggie" Trevarthen (52) is a meter reader for the South Western Electricity Board (SWEB) but he is hoping to hit it big time as a comic on the West Cornish stand-up circuit and in X Factor X. A somewhat ponderous man, ill-at-ease with his own frame, he shifts uncomfortably from foot to foot as he builds up to telling his joke (there is just the one at the moment). The silent build-up phase does create a tension -- both within the audience as well as within "Smeggie’s" trousers, as those standing near him can smell. Then the joke comes and there is always a furious outbreak of laughter, largely and predictably from Smeggie’s mother, Rebecca Trevarthen (86), who is on special release from her secure home for the confused whenever he gives a performance. His joke may well be lost on those unfamiliar with the pre-decimal age -- "What did the electricity meter say to the shilling? ‘Glad you popped in, Bob, I was just going out!’"

Jethro "Look no hands" Polwhele, (26) is a speciality act. He "lifts" things without using his hands. Decency prevents us from showing the full picture here, but Daisy assures us that Jethro is "lifting" one and a half kilos in this picture. Whilst this act is very popular with certain audience members (particularly Rebecca Trevarthen (86), Smeggie’s mum) it will clearly not lend itself to television and nor is it suitable for anyone under the age of 18. Jethro is, however, hopeful of winning the coveted prize and being able to give up the day job at Holman’s Dry Dock in Penzance.

"The Three Graces", the arse yodelling trio based in Tregeseal, near St Just, have a repertoire of 81 songs -- all played through the ‘rear mouth’, but distinctly recognisable. In the picture on the left --from the left, Gwenvor Tregear (31) from Sennen, and "Trombone " Trezise (45) from Madron are both currently ‘out of wind’, but as his cheeky picture reveals, Dougie Penrose (27) on the right and from Tregeseal in St Just, is blasting out "Camborne ‘Ill" in this very photograph. Some of their ‘arse songs’ are their own compositions and this evidence of their originality is reckoned to be their strongest trump in their play to win the coveted crown of X Factor X in 2007.

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Quentin Blodsmith, Harley Street Hypnotist will be in Relubbus for one week only!

Enigmatic mystery man,
Plucking mindstrings, as he can,
Soothes your troubles, calms your mind
As long as you a fiver find!

The toast of London's glitterati, the suave, masterly harpist of the sundry strings of the mind, has returned to his native Cornwall to practise his arts for one week only.

Always wearing a cunning disguise, he will never give out his real name, nor reveal anything about his origins, except that he grew up on Treneere Estate (NOT, he insists, in Colinsey Road!!) in Penzance.

What is undeniable is that, through the practice of his mysterious arts, he has enabled hundreds of clients to conquer their fears, to realise their innermost ambitions, to find peace for their troubled souls, to receive the grace and balm of his cooling, soothing charm -- and -- all this -- in just five minutes -- for a fiver.

Quentin Blodsmith (his professional name) will be practising all next week in Relubbus. So do not miss this opportunity! He will be setting up his tent in Farmer Penberthy’s lower field. It is a five-man tent, so that he can handle groups, if necessary.

His hypnotic arts have been found to be highly efficacious in an astounding range of ailments and afflictions. We mention here just a few conditions that he has successfully treated: hiccups; runny nose and sore throat; stomach pains; athlete’s foot; flatulence; unwanted pregnancy; breast enlargement or reduction; penis enlargement or super-enlargement; one-leggedness; senility; trans-gender problems; sleeplessness; short-sightedness; hearing difficulties; and giving up smoking.

For five minutes that can change your life, all you need pay is £5 -- cash only!

You know it makes sense!!
SCIENCE NEWS
Professor D B Penhaligon unveils the "future of humanity" in results of Genetic Project
Rumours of a forthcoming shock announcement drew the entire Relubbus press corps to the weekly press conference at the internationally renowned Relubbus Institute of Genetic Research and Proper Job Science.

Soft muttering punctuated the hushed silence which pervaded the back room of the Boskenna Arms hotel, while the five members of the press pack awaited the arrival of the highly controversial but brilliant Professor Penhaligon.

Then a door opened and the Professor entered the room, carrying a small figure with him, which, with delicate gentility, he placed upon a table before us. "Behold, gentlemen of the press, I give you Loveday -- the future of humanity. "Our planet is dying because of the activities of mankind. Man has caused the huge increase in greenhouse gases, which have disturbed the balance on which all life depends. Every single activity of our rapidly multiplying population leads to yet further growth in the output of greenhouse gases. "Only radical solutions can help us, but the flabby politicians of our world are too timorous to advance proposals which will assuredly put an end to the pent-up horrors of climate change. "I can now present to you the only solution -- Loveday. She is created from environmentally-friendly materials. She does not eat and does not excrete or create smells. She is, I am sure you will agree, comely and pleasing to the eye.

"I have transferred to her all the knowledge I have accumulated and she contains living organisms, which will enable her to develop her own experiences and to have instant recall of them. She will not expire for at least five hundred years and she will be capable of reproducing herself.

"She has little or no negative environmental impact -- does not need a house, a car, a plane trip, or any of the other things we seem to need that are so damaging to our planet. It is my proposal that the consciousness of every human should be transferred to a being like Loveday. I will now take your questions."
The stunned audience took a while to recover from this series of shattering announcements. All the while, all eyes were fixed upon the little figure standing on the table, still supported by Professor Penhaligon’s hand.

A voice called out, "Can’t she stand up by herself?" Clearly rattled by this implicit criticism, Penhaligon replied that there was still a little work to be done on Loveday’s motive powers.

The next question followed "Can’t she speak for herself, then?" Now obviously exasperated by such obsession with details, Penhaligon rounded angrily on the questioner, "You try making vocal chords out of cobwebs and see how far you get, you smug git!"

An embarassed silence fell upon the people in the room and eyes stared yet harder at the little figure on the table, whose only movement -- a waving hand -- seemed to be caused by Professor Penhaligon’s own hand, agitating the little straw-filled arm.

One question hung in the room along with the silence and it took only a few moments before one brave man plucked that question out of the air and gave it voice. "If she can’t talk yet, how do you know that she knows all that you say that she does?"

Penhaligon stood there, visibly weighed down by the awful loneliness of true greatness, striving to find some way of bridging the huge gulf that lay between his own boundless insight and the questioner’s shallow perceptions. Absent-mindedly, he twitched Loveday’s arm to and fro in a growing frenzy until the little arm came away in his hand and the little straw-filled body toppled over on to the floor, spilling its contents. "Now look what you’ve made me do! I’ll have to start all over again now!"

As he set about gathering up the pieces of his dream that was Loveday, totally absorbed, the press pack silently withdrew.
THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE GREEK EMBASSY
The Roundup was delighted to receive an invitation to visit the Greek Embassy in Relubbus as guests of His Excellency Aristo Hippodopoulos (32) and his two charming sisters Cynthia (29, on the left) and Bill (28, on the right).

The three of them run the extremely busy Greek Embassy which, for reasons of economy, is housed in the back rooms of the Mecca Bingo Hall situated in Trelissick Lane, Relubbus.

Aristo was a garage mechanic before taking up diplomacy as a career and, whilst he has no regrets about his significant career change, enjoys spending his spare time helping out at Trelawney’s Garage in Hayle. His sisters are both hairdressers by training, Cynthia specialising in women’s coiffure and Bill focussing on haircuts for men and for women wishing to look like men.

The Relubbus Greek embassy has a particular focus on developing economic ties between the Greek Republic and Greater Relubbus. As Aristo succinctly puts it, "Greece is fine land of olives, wine, halloumi cheese -- all are things which blend it well with fine Cornish cream, saffron cake and pasties. Importantly, Greece is seen as the cradle of civilisation, but many know that this dates from times when ancient seafarers visited Cassiterides (Relubbus) and when they make great cultural borrowings from ancient Relubbus.
"Aristophanes’ plays are all translations from works of great Relubbus playwright, An Scryfer, who wrote delectable pieces of cleverly scripted humour.
"Little known also is that Sappho first learnt her poetry and advanced lesbianism from Joyce, a Cornish practitioner of both arts in second century BC. So our aim is not so much in forging new links between our two great states, but in renewing the most ancient links between our peoples."

We understand that negotiations between the Relubbus mega-capitalist, R.C. Oates, and the Greek state are well advanced in the proposal to open an Oates Superstore in downtown Athens. Female staff from Lesbos, all well-versed in Aristophanean humour, will sell Cornish and Greek ditties, fine foods and farm produce.

Two tables and four chairs will also allow the opportunity of providing a café for customers to rest and watch the world go by. Bill will, in fact, be the first manageress of the store and is here in Relubbus to "soak up" the culture so that she can be an effective advocate of it back in Athens.
Lonely Hearts -- they need love too!

They yearn for someone - just like you.
If your heart’s desire is here today
Then write in fast -- without delay!

Sid Trevithick (46) lives in his own caravan, currently parked in St Buryan. Sid is an agricultural specialist, who makes a good living by "stimulating" reluctant male farm animals to do their bit in breeding. As his work takes him all over Cornwall, he finds living in a caravan most practical. Sadly, it also means that he is never in any place long enough to form a relationship with a young lady. The years are ticking by and he doesn’t want to forego the pleasures of fatherhood. He can offer a well-appointed caravan with its own chemical toilet, wash handbasin and one large picture window.

Sid is a member of the extreme Methodist fundamentalist group -- the Gwennap Golems (hence the haircut). He is opposed to drinking, dancing, gambling and other "work of the devil". His wife must be chaste, definitely of the Golem persuasion and have taken the oath of perpetual silence. As Sid is illiterate, his wife must be good with signing, so that she can talk to him, when he wants her to. Box 4932 is the key to a life of love with this special man.

Rowena Pascoe (36) will be well-known to patrons of the Goldsithney Health Club (Men Only) under her professional name of Miss Zdenka Kazymish, but she advertises here under her real name. Having worked for many years helping men with erectile dysfunction, using a unique therapy developed by herself and now known throughout Goldsithney as the "Bunsen Burner Special", Rowena wishes to have a special relationship with a man that operates on the spiritual, intellectual, as well as the merely physical plane. Suitors will need to be broad-minded as she wishes to continue in her chosen career.

Rowena assures one and all that she is completely broadminded. She is keen on social engagement and is this year’s chair of the Marazion branch of the nude bee-keeping club. Honest to the core, she believes that all suitors should also know that until the age of 21 she lived as a man, Ronald Pascoe. Post-operatively, she left Helston to seek a fresh start in Goldsithney. Box 5671



Rumah Aribanga (32) is a disappointed man. Lured to the busy downtown business district of Relubbus by an advert placed by Tredinnick and Leddinnick Human Resources for an experienced headhunter, he made the long journey from Borneo to discover that, sadly, headhunting has a different meaning here. He is now working as a ladies’ hairdresser in Newlyn and trying to earn enough money for the return journey, though his first wages will be spent on acquiring some Western clothes.

During his stay in this country, Rumah would like to meet -- and move in with -- a Cornishwoman. Age and looks are immaterial to Rumah. His desired lady partner should have a house of her own, as he is quite keen to move in. He is currently living at the Newlyn Bridge bus stop. Box 4922 is the one for ladies who would like Rumah to become part of their lives.





Violet Trembath (62) is a cowherd from St Agnes. She has spent all her spare time during her working life building up a now failed cheese business. "Stench", an unpasteurised cheese, was sadly an acquired taste that no-one acquired. The whiff of the strong smelling cheese was greatly enhanced by her own personal hygiene practices and further assisted by her wrapping her cheeses in socks she had worn for several weeks at a time. The cheese didn’t catch on and -- game girl that she is -- Violet is now looking for a man. "I’ve done workin 24/7 and now I’m lookin’ for a man for a bitta play in my later years!" Box 2457



Pascoe Penhaligon (PP) (32) is a Public Convenience Maintenance Specialist by day (working mainly in the Penzance area) and a practising masochist by night. Educated to GCSE level (Media Studies -- failed, but only just), he has turned his back on the academic world and is single-mindedly focussed on his career.

PP came third in the Zennor all-comers speed pasty-eating competition in 2002 and is a keen follower of Penzance Magpies, for whose third team he has been trialling for the past fourteen years. He has "watched" ladies all his life and now would like to get closer to one. Living in a beach hut in Sennen, he would prefer his lady love to come from there so that he doesn’t have to catch the bus. Box 4529

YOUR STARS

with Breton mystic Maurice Labalge

He’s the mystic they all think terrific

Because his predictions are completely specific!

I do have to explain my long absence, which has been occasioned by an entirely unforeseen accident involving myself, a car, a ladder, a young lady friend, a vacuum cleaner, surgical gloves, a bottle of baby oil and a goat. I can offer no more detailed explanation than this, other than that the goat is now eating normally and is not believed to be psychologically damaged, the young lady has left me and I won’t be doing that again. My predictions are, as ever, shit hot. Readers, stay with me!

Aries This month signifies great change. Those of you married to a person called Doris will be plunged into despair over the size of her nose. But do not despair, gay love beckons! You will find this to your taste. All others under this sign will, within 3 months, receive a Birmingham hip resurfacing operation, which will put a new skip into your step.

Taurus You did not do as well as expected in your GCSEs. That C in Media Studies was a bit of a blow. But do not despair, I see opportunities for you to sell yourself on the streets and make big money.

Gemini Your mother is either dead, or soon about to be. Do not cry. She has had a good life and also had a lover you knew nothing about, who brought her great joy. Do not forget that your television licence is about to expire!

Cancer You know that something is missing from your life, but you cannot identify the missing factor. I can tell you that you will find great fulfilment from cross dressing, horse riding, or Sudoku. There are millions under this sign. I cannot give YOU the exact prescription, but one of these three things is the key to unlock the next stage of your life.

Leo You are unhappy. There we are! Homosexuality is not for everyone. There are other things in life, so get over it! In 200 years, you will be dead and not remembered even by an ant crawling over the ground in front of you. Avoid ladders!

Virgo Remove the stolen underwear from your drawer or you will be discovered and bring great shame on yourself. Better still, return it to its owner, Mrs Hollis of 21 Angwin Close, Penalverne Estate and tell her that you simply found it amongst the carrots at Tesco’s. She might leave her husband for you.

Libra Go to Penzance Library next Tuesday morning and look out for a woman wearing a pink dress and sporting what appear to be knickers on her head. This woman is your soulmate -- even if you yourself are a woman. Declare your love for her, explaining that your name is Leslie. The stars predict a lifetime of happiness for those united in this way.

Scorpio Tregenza’s in Penzance employ a number of people. One of these is a young woman, whose name is Shirley Behenna. She went to school, with a boy called Tom, who had a pet mouse called "Wilfie". Wilfie got eaten by a cat 14 years ago. That cat is still alive. It is the spiritual essence of Henry VIII. You must form a relationship with that cat -- sexual if possible (but not essential, there might be a queue of you under this sign waiting) and you will be led into a state of revelation, which will benefit you greatly.

Sagittarius You have spent your life adoring Billy Spargo, the great Relubbus politician, who is now shacked up with Mrs Sarkozy. You are distraught -- naturally. However, I can tell you that great things await you with someone else. However, this will not occur for another 50 years. This is probably bad news if you are over 30, but we can’t have all the luck! If you are under 30, spend the next 50 years going around with a big smile on your face!
Capricorn Little is forecast for this sign for the next two years. You are treading water -- filling in time. Do not worry -- if life was always at a high, how would you know how high you were? So you wait and, in three years time, you will receive a huge lottery win (even if you do not play!). Also, you will then mature sexually and enjoy life! You will have a fantastic job (probably in Spiegelhalter’s in Causewayhead, Penzance) and at least 12 children.

Aquarius Your husband, Derrick, has been depressed over the past month and this has been getting you down. He has lost his job at Holman’s and seems sunk in a trough of despair. Well, now the time has come to ditch him! He is a loser! Find a new husband now or fill in time by becoming a prostitute or by working at Morrison’s. One of these routes will lead you to your new man (even if you are a man!).

Pisces You know it and I know it! The front bedroom needs to be re-painted and putting it off is no satisfactory answer. You also need to change the oil in the car (even if you do not have one!). Linda, your wife, has been out of sorts recently and you need to cheer her up. Take her out! Go to the Ritz Bingo and then take her off to Harold Jewel’s fish and chip shop. After that, call in at the Swordfish and I will give you more advice personally. Nothing is too difficult to deal with!

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• EXCLUSIVE: RELUBBUS TO JOIN NUCLEAR CLUB

• RELUBBUS HAS "PASTY BOMB"

• CELEBRITY NEWS: Spotlight on Richard Head -- the man even other designers like to talk about!

• RELUBBUS BALLET PROPER -- ANOTHER SUCCESS!

• SUDDEN DEATH OF RENOWNED RELUBBUS SCIENTIST

• THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE AUSTRALIAN EMBASSY

• Our socially-responsible LONELY HEARTS section

• YOUR STARS, with Breton mystic Maurice LaBalge
  

• And much, much more!