TOUGH SOLUTIONS FOR TOUGH TIMES

Relubbus is famed for its buoyant economy, which is commonly know to be "as safe as Mouzel 'Arber".  However, the UK and much of the rest of the world are gripped by choking deficits, which are driving governments to take hitherto unthinkable actions to balance the books.

Our Economics Correspondent, Bramwell Brasso Busso Bolitho, reports on some of the more controversial actions of our neighbour, the UK:

Georgie Porgie Osborne (pictured second from the right) is the UK's Chancellor of the Exchequer, an all-round good egg and, just 25 years ago, elected runner-up in the Eton School 'Fag of the Year' competition.  The certificate "for extwordinawee services for the chaps" is still proudly kept by Mum at home.

As Georgie has put it, "It's a devilish job making all these damned cuts without hurting the most vulnerable - who are clearly those who have the most to lose!  Obviously, it is those in the Tory Party who have the most to lose and I am here to make sure that we keep it all - or Ashers (Lord Arsecreep) has said to me that he will ensure that I am given the most beastly roasting suffered by any fag!"

Georgie has said that everything is up for review and he and his pals - including token poor boy and new carrot-topped pal "Wee Danny Alexander" from off the Glengarry Estate - have come up with some ideas that would have hitherto been thought "unthinkable".

Old age pension - indeed "old age" itself - is to be scrapped.  As 'two brains' Hector Weeble-Splunk, Georgie's policy adviser and fag maintains, "They used to say that 60 is the new 40", but now we say that "100 is the new 45"!!

Old age pension will only be paid to those who reach the age of 100.  Up to that age, everyone will have to work under the new "Thrive or Die" scheme.

Pictured are Edward and Ethel Batt, both 92 and, until George and his pals came to power, residents of the Eastbourne Quiet Home for Retired Gentlefolk.  Since the home could no longer function without considerable state aid, it has been closed down and the inmates have been turfed out on to the street.

(For those who are interested, the home has now been turned into a free enterprise brothel employing single mothers, who have been similarly turfed out of their council homes and deprived of their former benefits so that they must now earn their keep.)

Edward and Ethel have been given a half hour's intensive training to equip them for earning their living in the real world.  However, Edward is still struggling to produce entertaining noises from his plastic flute, as he is completely deaf, whilst Ethel's numerous infirmities prevent her from singing and dancing, as she was instructed to do with the aid of various drawings.  The couple have been give their own 'pitch' outside the Arbitrager pub in Throgmorton Street in the City of London.

Thanks to the open-handed generosity  of the hugely wealthy traders who frequent the pub, the couple have been able to earn £17 over the past month and, thanks to the thoroughly good kicking they got, which resulted in hospitalisation and some free food, they have managed to stay alive.

Tufty Wakfer, a 98-year-old ex-tightrope walker from Greenwich, has been expelled from his Old Folks home and told that he now has to earn his daily crust; but that this will only be for two more years before he receives the generous new state pension of £5.75 per week with no strings attached.

He has been allotted his own nearly-new cardboard box under a railway arch and has been presented with a 'start up' tray of used razor blades to sell to the the public to  try to make a living. Tufty has not been doing well and hasn't sold anything so far.

Some people have been questioning the fairness and even challenging the human rights aspects of these seemingly savage Tory cuts. Georgie has been most defensive and has insisted that they consulted most widely before introducing them.

In particular, he points out that he spent one whole afternoon chatting to his uncle, Mr Henley Regatta, who has assured him that he was doing "just the right thing", saving so much money.  Typical of many hard-working Tories, Mr Regatta had simply not been grafting away as a stockbroker for the past forty years working every hour God gives between 10.00 am and 11.45 am each day to earn his millions so that it can all be taxed and handed over to benefits proles.

State expenditure has been reduced to just £1.5 million annually with money only going on essentials, such as champers for the pals at cabinet meetings (though Wee Danny has to drink Irn Bru) and an annual subscription to the Eton Needy Old Boys' Fund, for chaps down on their luck.

The Communist Leaders of the People's Republic of Hayle (chief among them trichologically-challenged Tregavarah "Combover" Ventongimps) are eyeing up the UK with renewed interest, sensing that the revolution there might just be around the corner.

BEN-HALIGON DOES IT AGAIN!!

David Ben-Haligon, the noted, and often controversial, 48-year-old Marazion-based Cornish/Jewish polymath and entrepreneur, has released his latest range of 'unbelievable but true' gadgets designed to make everyday life easier.

Ben-Haligon, who declares, "I put the Zion back into Marazion!" is an indefatigable inventor as well as a champion of Cornish/Jewish rights.

Readers will recall Ben-Haligon's past claims that the Cornish are the lost tribe of Israel.  He dismisses as wishful mythmaking the traditional story that it was mobile Phonetian seafarers, who first came to these shores to trade for tin.

Ben-Haligon insists that it was his own forefathers (led by the legendary clotted cream maker Shlomo Ben-Haligon) who came to Kernow 2,700 years ago, bent on seeking a new market for Kosher Clotted Cream.

So charmed were they by the sheer beauty of the place that many of them decided to stay for good, seamlessly integrating with the local community.   This version of events forms the foundation of his assertion that the Cornish are truly the lost tribe of Israel.  "We were not lost yet, we just moved house already!"

In some quarters, Ben-Haligon is regarded as unacceptably right wing for this belief that the Cornish border should be redrawn at a line from Honiton to Barnstaple in order to reclaim the lost ancestral land of the East Bank of Kernow.
Much of his fabled wealth is spent on seeking to shore up political support to this end.  "Kernow once spread up to Bristol, but I would be happy with the Honiton/Barnstaple line."

However, the multimillionaire entrepreneur was in the news this week for entirely different reasons.  At his showcase Marazion store, the Gadget Shop, he brought to market his latest offerings yesterday before an excited crowd of over 17 people.

His first new gadget is the 'Great Weight Watch'.  This watch not only tells you the time, but also announces your weight at half hourly intervals at a volume equivalent to that of a railway station announcement.

The gadget is intended to assist those seeking to lose weight by shaming them into action.  The announcements can be made in either metric or imperial weights and, should the weight keep going up, can be preceeded by a friendly but firm call of "Hey, Fattie!".

This triumph of technology is available to the public at a knock-down price of only £4,567.

Bert Trembath (19) of Boscathnoe was one of the first customers to stump up the required money.
Weighing in at a trim 32 stone, Bert was keen to 'lose a few poun' in time for his first dream holiday in Cowboyland, Texas - 'otherwise they said they'll aff to freight me out!'

The second invention on offer today is one which is expected to bring in many millions of pounds of revenue to the Marazion magnate.

Ben-Haligon's 'Mazal Tov Thought Glasses' are an ingenious device, which not only improve sight to 20 20 vision, but which also enable the wearer to read the thoughts of those around him/her.

Whilst, at £24,000 each, they do not come cheap, the high price tag has not deterred potential customers.

Advance orders totalling £7,500,000 have already been received from governments and businesses around the world.  Says Ben-Haligon, "It is the end of the lie already!  With the Mazal Tov on your head, all lies are dead!"

The third and final offering from the House of Ben-Haligon is the 'Oy Vey Migraine Hat'.  The inventor believes that migraine can be dispelled by wearing a device on the head, which both purifies the air and which delivers a soothing all-over head massage.

Migraine sufferes are recommended to wear the hat for one day out of seven to keep migraine at bay and to put on the hat immediately at the onset of a migraine attack.

It comes complete with portable 12 volt battery and oxygen tank at only £65.  As Ben-Haligon declares "Oy Vey just takes your migraine away!"

DIRE WARNING FOR THE WORLD

Reclusive hedge-fund manager, Nathaniel Polkinghorne of Nancegollan (45) has acquired a reputation - and huge wealth - for always being right.

For many years, Nathaniel was  a bus driver on long distance routes such as that from Penzance to Helston.

These long journeys gave him time to ruminate, and then expound, on many a challenge facing the world.  Unable to keep his opinions to himself, he often used to park the bus and, keeping the doors locked, give unsolicited lectures to his captive audience, sometimes for several hours.

Such lectures were not always appreciated by his passengers and some even took it upon themselves to instruct Polkinghorne to 'button it' or, in local parlance, "shut yer bleddy cakole and git the bus goinagen".  When he spoke of the world financial order, some challenged him to put his money where his mouth was.

So it was that, at the age of 40, Nathaniel boldly entered the world of investment to do just that.  A mere five years later and he was a megamultibillionnaire with his own caravan over Long Rock and a brand new Ford Anglia (shown left) parked up outside.  He achieved his wealth by always 'calling it right'.

Loaded as he is with his new-found wealth, he is now seldom seen at Morrison's, leaving his mother to undertake the weekly shopping alone. (" I duh always pay my 'alf towardsun like!")

He stays at home with his mother, neglecting his sumptuous Long Rock bachelor's pad.  He rarely emerges to dispense wisdom to the lesser sort.

Thus it was unusual when he called a press conference. This was attended by scores of eager reporters, some of whom came from as far away as Bude to listen to him.

When all were seated, as he had requested, he spoke and, in so doing, struck a truly sombre note.

Reminding his audience that he had famously never been wrong about anything, he announced that, whilst he had no desire to cause global panic, he felt compelled to share his now certain knowledge that  every single person upon the face of the earth was going to die.  There would be no exceptions.  Everyone - literally everyone - was going to die.  An awed chill silence filled the room.

He looked his audience in the eye and coldly stated that everyone, after a mere 150 years, would be no more.  He then turned and left.

In less than half an hour, copies of his speech had been printed and were being rushed around the whole of Cornwall and Relubbus.

Said paper boy, Charlie Clemo (7) of Portreath "Eedthink ee's sum bleddy smart, eedoo.  I cuddatolun that, daffbugger!"

Could Clemo be the new Polkinghorne?

FOCUS ON TALENT IN RELUBBUS

The Roundup is keen to shine its potent torch of publicity on the many young entrepreneurs who call Relubbus home.  This week we are looking at some of the brightest and best of them.

Pammie Pender (47) is a photographer whose career first started out on the other side of the lens in the days when she was a 'glamour model'. For twenty years from the tender age of 16, Pammie graced the centrefold spread of famous 'top shelf' publications such as Sancreed Plumbing, Tregavarah Gardening Weekly,  Newbridge Knitting and Crochet, Gulval Gas Fittings and Winwaloe Window Cleaning. 

However, gravity gradually took its toll and the commissions started to dry up.  That is when inspiration came to Pammie and she decided to put all her accumulated knowledge of photography into practice - on the other side of the lens.

Her consummate skill is perfectly illustrated in this photograph entitled Timing, which sold last week in the renowned Spargo Auction Rooms for £2,500,000.  Pammie insists that the difference between a good photo and a brilliant one is simply a matter of timing.  One must capture the moment.

In this family shot of the Trevaskises of Lelant (relatives of the fabulously wealthy Relubbus business dynamo W G Trevaskis), the drama is created by the figure of Dick Trevaskis, front left, whose face so clearly betrays the fact that Pammie has managed to fully capture a moment which he would have preferred to remain uncaptured. 

Of course, the involuntary release into his trousers is accompanied by the most frightful odour, but, as the picture clearly shows, this hasn't reached the noses of the others yet.  As Pammie says " 'S all a madderuv timin'!"

You will all have heard of Warren Buffet, but just how many of you have heard of Buffet Warren (29) from up Tregeseal?  He is certainly shaping up quickly to provide stiff competition for the famed American investor.  BMW (as he likes to be known, since his middle name is Madron) set up his hedge fund, Cot Valley Investments, two years ago.  "I duh call it a 'edge fund, cos we got th' edge on they other buggers!"

Cot Valley Investments has so far attracted funds totalling £750,000. These funds all come from the various residents of the Setting Sun old folks home, where BMW continues to work until he manages to register some profits from his investments.   As he cheefully admits, "You wooden bleeve 'ow much money we lost, but, lookin' on the bright side, leasisnot my own money goin' down the drain!"

Nora "Lightning" Behenna (34) is set to turn the world of surgery upside down for three reasons.  Firstly, she charges very little for the often complex operations she performs.  Secondly, she uses no anaesthetics at all.  Thirdly, her only medical instrument is her fretsaw.

What readers will also find amazing is that Nora is a young lady without any formal medical training whatsoever.  Entirely self-taught, she started off by practising exclusively on neighbours' household pets.

Then, after she found out that her boyfriend had been two-timing her, she performed her very first 'radical vasectomy' on him.  This picture was taken of her just after the operation and shows her gleefully holding her fretsaw and triumphantly displaying the freshly severed 'parts' in a plastic bag.

Her secret?  "Speed - thasall there is to un!  I'm finished before they duh knaw I started!"

SMALL BUSINESS STARS

The Relubbus Federation of Small Businesses believes that it has a solemn duty to shine the health-

giving light of publicity on fledgling small businesses in the area.

Federation Chairperson, Dame Tarquin Tonkin (89) speaking from his opulently appointed offices adjacent to the new toilet block at Sunset Static Caravan Park near Lelant said, "Th' ideas people duh come up with duh nevver cease t' maze me. Allikunseh is "Come down West, we got the best!"  Jes saws youduhknaw, 'ere's four bleddy crackers far ee!"

Pet Ant died?  Then call up Wiggy!

Wiggy is an expert in Pet Insect Taxidermy, with ants being his speciality.  Wiggy "I'll do un far ee!" Polglaze (25) of Newbridge is a master taxidemist passionate about his craft, who has brought solace to bereaved pet insect owners all over West Penwith.

For many lonely people a pet can bring much needed companionship. This source of comfort can come from pet ants, cockroaches, beetles, earwigs and so on, as much from any cat or dog.  So when a dearly loved one passes on, that magical bond of love can be retained by having the dear one expertly stuffed and displayed on the mantelpiece.

Wiggy, who is registered bald and has an ant colony of his own in his bed, declares cheerily, "If yer pet muryon 'ave died, gib'n 'ere an' I'll stuff 'n up proper far ee!"

Wiggy's services are available at a mere £499.99 plus VAT per ant.

Check your contribution to Global Warming with a Trembath toilet!!

Everyone is rightfully becoming increasingly concerned about global warming and the climate change it is inducing. For instance, global sea level rises of, at least, 45 metres are predicted* by the end of 2011.

Naturally, every responsible person is asking what they can do to avert this disaster. For this reason acclaimed and renowned Crowlas inventor, Tren Tembath (76) has developed a toilet which measures and calculates your personal contribution to gloabl warming at each 'sitting'.

However, as you might expect, the Trembath ingenuity does not cease at that point.  The gases are not allowed to be released into the atmosphere but are captured and converted into bars of ladies' beauty soap, which can then be either used or sold.

Each toilet is lovingly hand-crafted by Mr Trembath himself and this is reflected in the price of £12,500 (not including fitting!).  However this graceful, topical amd very useful product will greatly enhance the value of your home.

*prediction made last week by the Crowlas Climate Change Unit in peer-reviewed work.

Garden needs sorting out? Call the  Nancledra Nude Gardening Trio!!

The Nancledra Nude Gardening Trio of Jack "Nettles" Bolitho-Ball (47), Charmaine "Shortie" Clemo (39 and just 2ft 6 ins tall) and "Badger" Boskenna are all expert gardeners, who, whatever the weather, prefer to work without the clutter of clothing.

So when you hire this dream team, you not only get your garden attended to by professionals, but also have the treat of observing them avoid all the dangers to delicate dangling flesh posed by challenges such as Pyracantha firethorn and so on.

It's not only you who will be amused.  Just think what the neighbours will say.

You can hire all three of the trio for just £1.50 an hour, but please remember that there is an additional cold weather payment of 25 pence per hour from November to April.

Constipation anyone?  Any embarrassing facial hair, ladies?

Tamsin Blewett (36) from Crows an Wra can help you if you suffer from either of these worrisome problems.

Using the finely attunable controls on the her home-made high pressure diamond-headed drill, Tamsin can help you find near instant relief if you have been badly constipated for a few months.

Using an extension on her drill, which she calls the 'fish hook', because that is what it is, Tamsin claims that she can free you up within minutes of application of her wondrous device.

The drill has also had much success in helping ladies who are afflicted with unsightly and unwanted facial hair. Tamsin tackles the root of the problem - quite literally.


Rotating at what she calls 'invisibility speed', the diamond drill just burns away the roots of facial hair forever.

As you will readily understand, Tamsin's treatments do not come cheap.  The 'bum-blaster' costs £17.50 plus VAT, whilst the 'Ladybeard' costs £18.50 plus VAT.  However, customers will take great comfort from the fact that, if any lasting physical damage should result from any of the treatments, a full 4.75% of the fee will be refunded.