SPECIAL BILLY SPARGO EDITION

This week the Roundup looks at the central figure in the political, administrative, literary and social life of Relubbus.

The much celebrated Councillor Billy Spargo (129), shown here smiling for the camera as he sits at his work, is the ever youthful Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

Generations of people in Relubbus have grown up knowing no other leader in this proud independent state.   But few know the man behind the name and behind the statesman.

Accordingly, in this first part of a planned 9,675 part serialisation about the greatest man in Relubbus, we take a look at the human being behind the name.   This week we look at the Ladies' man.

Spargo is an honest man of the soil and only decided to go into politics after strong encouragement to do so from his Enty May and also from Queen Victoria and the then Pope. 

This tradition of support continues today as can be seen from this photo  of the present day Queen and Pope emerging gratefully from a recent audience they were granted with Councillor Billy Spargo. 

There were rumours about Spargo and Victoria and there have been rumours down the decades about the closeness of his relationship with royal ladies ever since.

Spargo is a man of regular and spartan habits.  He prides himself on taking a bath annually, although he abhors the use of soap as being something completely unnatural.  As he correctly points out, "There iddenuthin bout soap in the Garden of Eden, izza?!"

Despite the comparative rarity of this bathing event, there are 7 'Ladies of the bathchamber', whose job it is to ensure that the sundry deposits built up over the year are removed from the surface and various crevices of Councillor Spargo's body.

As you would only expect, there is great competition amongst the women of Relubbus for the signal honour of of being one of the chosen few.  There is an annual draw and thousands of hopefuls put their names forward, but only 7 are chosen.

The picture is of the current ladies of the bathchamber, who are, from the left, Lucy Trembath (23), Betsy Angwin (32), Agnes Trevorrow (62) with, behind her, Tamsin Chirgwin (39), Loveday Baragwaneth (21), Pammie Polkinghorne (29) and Linda Addicoat (40). 

Said spokeswoman Agnes, "'Sworth every minnut!  Ee's a real man, we ebbent nevver seen nuthin like it!  You'd nevver bleeve ee was 129 - more like 29.  Kept all o' we 'appy!"

One of the special rewards that go along with the honour is the right to bottle and sell the health-giving water in which the great man has bathed.  The claims made for the water are many.  It is reputedly a cure for the common cold, for hair loss, for problems 'down below', for flatulence and for 'feelinabit queer'.

Spargo's history with the ladies is the stuff of legend.  His reputed conquests range from Mrs Wallis Simpson (wife of King Edward VIII, not a lady of the family that owns the famous Penzance store!) to Mrs Rachele Mussolini, Ms Eva Braun, Mrs Jackie Kennedy, Madame Sarkozy, Helen Mirren and Mrs Lyudmila Putin.

Spargo has been married several times and has had many affairs, despite his punishing 18 hour day toiling for the people of Relubbus on Council business.  Members of the public may be wondering who might now be his current squeeze.

The Roundup can exclusively reveal that it is none other than intoxicatingly beautiful young Araminta Pengelly (23), a checkout operator from Long Rock.

Araminta, who attended Relubbus Comprehensive School and left with distinctions in advanced knitting, manicure and leafing through popular magazines, is trying to keep a low profile, as revealed by the picture on the left from a recent photoshoot. 

Araminta, a girl of few words, did coyly confess to looking forward to having her first Spargolet.  You read it here first!

Next week, we will be looking at Spargo, the man of letters.

ENTY MAY'S SALON

Enty May (43 and Nancledra born and reared) is a much-loved contributor to the Roundup, who is prized by many for the carefully considered advice she hands out to those beset with the quandaries of modern life.

As she is also known for the quality of intellectual cut and thrust in her renowned Gwavas 'salon', we have asked her to share with us a snippet or two from her busy high society life - the envy of many in West Penwith.

Ello, my luvvers! Oweealldoinov? 

They nice Roundup people 'ave ast me to let ee all into bitta my busy life.  Well, I couldn' say'naw, could I, speshially when they offered a 'ole boxa they Ferrero Rotchers for 'un.  So 'ere goes!

I wuz deown Kwop 'smornin nice ' early doing my weekly shopliftin' an all I could 'ear roun' me was "Idn neverbinusbadazis".

So I said to Mrs 'Ollis (oo's out and about again after her opration down blow las' month) "Wassall that aboutuh? What ebbent bin subad?"

She said "This 'ere bad weather we're avin, tha's what!  I tell ee 'sfreezin up Buryan.  Ole man o' 98 upair 'ad 'is back'ouse toilet completely freeze ovver.  W'as worse, 'eed fallen asleep on un at the time an 'ad to be unfrozen with a blow torch!  Well, nearly did fer'n nat did, poor ole bugger."

"O, es", said I, with 'n understandin nod, while I carefully 'id nuther tin o' beans deown  my knickers.  

The shoppin was getting' a bit 'eavy neow and was beginin to show through the extra large cot I duh wear fer shopliftin.  So I said my goodbyes and went up tuh the till, where I 'anded over the pack o' penny chews I duh always get 'n pay fer.  While I was payin, I could ear the roar o' the car engine eoutside.

My eldest nephew, Trev, oo's 13 - summgoodeeis too, bless 'issoul - was waitin outside in today's noo car. Trouble is when you've borrowed ovun withoutta key, 's best to keep the engine runnin' --  which is jest as well as I might 'ave ad to leave in a 'urry.

I struggled roun to the back o the car, fished out the week's shopliftin' 'n chucktenall in the boot 'cept fer the bottle o' vodkee fer boy Trev, oo'd gone tuh the trouble a getting up early to find a car fer we and needed to 'ave a good reward.

Trev took a fews swigs and then drove me roun' tuh the Penzance Arts Club, where I was givin my weekly talk - topic gis week "Can Tories 'ave souls?"  Course, after a 'our o' entertaining deliberation, I 'ad to conclude that Tories only 'ave assoles - bleddy big ones too!"

Then - good as 'is word - Trev, my li'l bird, come roun' with a anawther noo car to tek me 'ome fer a nice cuppa tea and vodka.

Couldn' sit roun fer too long.  Ad tuh get muskates on, as I a'd that President Teacosy o' Frince comin round fer private advice on 'is li'l problum.  Anyway, more 'bout that sum other time. I gotta getonagain 'ereneow.  Cheers neow!  See ee 'gen dreckly!

Enty May

BROWN BEGS SPARGO FOR GUIDANCE!

Gordon Brown (55), the embattled and beleaguered UK Prime Minister, has appealed from the sodden dark depths of desperation in his bunker in No 10 Downing Street to Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman Billy Spargo (99) for guidance on how to deal with the explosive and corrosive impact of the revelations of the unbelievable expenses excesses of the thoroughly discredited Westminster political poltroons pretending to represent the 'interests of the people'.

Spargo took the call whilst at Prospidnick House, his official residence at the midway point along world-famous Boswedden Lane.

Under the provisions of the Relubbus Freedom of Information Act, the transcript of the telephone call was made available to the panting hordes of the Relubbus press pack only seconds after it was concluded.

Amidst frequent sobs from those famously saggy baggy eyes and in a doom-laden voice redolent of wits end having been passed many moons ago, Gordon Brown gushed: “Your Holiness, is that you? Please, Councillor Spargo, tell me that it is you!”

Billy Spargo (amidst noises of flushing water): “This ‘ad better be good, you jes’ caught me in the only place I can get sum peace an’ quiet!”

Gordon Brown: “In the notes Tony left for me, it says that when things get really tough, I should call this Relubbus number and ask for Councillor Spargo!!....It is you, isn’t it, this is not some trap dreamt up by those Tory toff bastards!”

Billy Spargo (to the noise of paper sheets being methodically and authoritatively ripped off the roll): “Yeah, yeah, yeah! Come on Brown - I’m nearly finished in ‘ere, boy an’ I aren’t ‘angin’ about – I got the former - and the present - Madame Sarkozy waitin’ outside ‘ere fer me!”

Gordon Brown: “Morley’s been claiming £16,000 for a mortgage he didn’t have, Prescott has claimed £5,000 for a gastric band and the same amount for two re-inforced toilet seats, Darling has claimed £9,000 for two penis extensions and….(he breaks down into uncontrollable sobs)…every bloody bastard has been at it!

"Of course, the Tories have been much worse, Mr and Mrs Mackay have claimed £280,000 between them and Hague has spent nearly as much in a forlorn attempt to on grow a proper thatch of hair! Douglas Pigg has even had his moat cleaned out at taxpayers’ expense.

"I am trying to play the noble statesman card, but it isn’t working. Please, just tell me what do I do?”

Billy Spargo, washing his hands with Trevarno soap lovingly fashioned for him by Betsy Pengelly (27 and pictured left), thought briefly about the UK Prime Minister’s manufactured mess and was about to reply, when Gordon Brown’s desperate whimpering noises were drowned out by the insistent sound of the pips, which were a sign that Gordon’s last 50 pence had been used up.

Reflecting that Gordon’s desperate cost-savings measures had gone a step too far by introducing payphones across Downing Street, Billy adjusted his truss, saluted the flag of Greater Relubbus and set off towards the two panting French females who were also desperate for his attention.

EUROVISION 2009 - YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU!

As the winter winds lose their bite and the days grow longer, the snowdrops give way to daffodils and gradually thoughts turn to spring and to ... Eurovision.

The Roundup proudly presents a review of the main contestants for this prestigious European prize and reveals that the customary vote-rigging is well under way and is so far advanced that the eventual winner can already be announced.

But first things first – the contestants. We review the principal contenders for the title in this year’s unique contest, in which everyone has to sing their own lyrics to the same tune – “Goin' up Camborne ‘Ill" - played by the Marazion massed triangle band. Each contestant is shown with the lyrics he/she has chosen.

BELGIUM

Heartthrob Alternative Health Practitioner, Philippe Knabberknackers (24) ‘walked’ the selection process in Belgium.

Despite not even bothering to turn up for the contest, as he had had a few bevvies too many the night before, Philippe won ten of the thirteen votes cast to ‘walk away’ with the Belgian nomination.

As can be seen from the photo, he has now thrown all his energies into coming up with a winning interpretation of his song.

His fan base extends beyond Belgium, because of his appearance in ‘special interest films’ and he appears to have a solid supporter base in the Baltic States and in other former republics of the former USSR.

Lyrics: Who kicked the budgie into my soup?

LATVIA

Dace (formerly Valdis) Vanags (18) was a man for the first forty-three of her years. After several operations at the Riga Veterinary Hospital, she emerged as a mouth-wateringly beautiful 18 year old girl with – still – an amazing bass voice!

In her former existence as Valdis, she was an experienced and highly capable stevedore. Now she has emerged as a beauty therapist, who is able to serenade her female clients in a rich deep bass voice that seems beguilingly out of character with the lissome female creature one sees before one.

Lyrics: Old Man River, Dat old man River

FRANCE

Mademoiselle Frou-Frou Lebecque (formerly Mimi Letoucque) (23) received a vote of 83 million (out of a population of 61.5 million) to steal the French nomination, despite there being no other contestants.

Frou-frou is wildly popular with the whole of the French public – apart from Carla Bruni, the new wife of French President Nicholas Teacosy.

Bruni is aid to have been very upset to have found a full length picture of Frou Frou in President Teacosy’s shower room.

Lyrics: Camptown Races

ISRAEL AND NEW ZEALAND

Although being a fair distance by aeroplane from Europe, Israel has traditionally been allowed to take part in Eurovision for many reasons, which are, of course, obvious to anyone from Tel Aviv.

Shlomo ben David (29) has been selected from 20,000 contestants to represent the Israeli republic.

Shlomo is a New Zealander, but, as he converted to Judaism last month and received an Israeli passport last week, he is now able to represent both countries, as he announces with his customary wayward smile.

Lyrics: Don’t Dilly Dally (My Old man said "Follow the Van")

ITALY

The Cheeky Girls, Bella Ragazza and her cousin, Pasta Verde, are both 17 and delighted to represent their country.

As Bella gushingly and fluently declared, “Issa wonderful, Ciao, Grazie, Prego! I luvva you!”

Both girls attend the Italia Disconti Stage school, where they spend 2 hours a day learning to speak English “Likeaa they do inna Eastenders, allrighta maita!”, said Pasta showing off.

They also focus a great deal on song, dance and theatre skills. Amazingly, the girls will be singing their song whilst performing an “Inverted Irish Dance” - i.e. on their hands!

Lyrics: There’s an Old Mill By the Stream

SWEDEN

The schoolgirl troupe selected by the Swedes (called "They Swedish maids") is tipped as a hot favourite to win the contest. They are believed to have secured financial backing from two well known Cornish business magnates – the fabulously rich Messrs Trevaskis and Oates – which has enabled them to buy their eye-catchingly snazzy costumes, the skirts of which they rip off midway through the song in Mexican wave style.

In return for the generous backing (believed to be in excess of £7.50 each!), the girls have, of course, signed over all profits they may ever make in their lives and have committed to appear every night for the next ten years at the Relubbus Hippodrome.

Lyrics: Hitler, 'e only 'ad one ball!!

HAYLE

The People’s Soviet Socialist Republic of Hayle is represented by three young folk, who work at the experimental Hayle Nuclear Power Station – they are from left to right Norris, Doris and Boris and sing together under the name “Endebee”.

The trio, all 19 years old, have caused some controversy by inserting words which sound like “embargo Spargo!” into their song.

This has given rise to renewed frictions in the already frayed diplomatic relations between Relubbus, led by 108-year-old Council Chairman Spargo, and the People’s Republic of Hayle, led by failed comb-over victim and mad dictator Ventongimps (49).

Lyrics: Kiss me goodnight, Sergeant-Major

RELUBBUS

The runaway absolute favourite for the contest is the 16-year-old, 16 stone singing prodigy from Prospidnick, known to his Mum as ‘git plum boy’ and known to his huge Relubbus fan base as ‘Gunna Singunaree’.

His off-stage name is Leonard Landshark and young Landshark has, despite his young years, already twice topped the Relubbus charts with his versions of “Do ye ken John Peel” and “My Boy Willie”, both of which sold over ten copies in only 12 weeks.

Young Landshark has huge stage presence (and a huge frame) and seems to exert a magnetic pull over his audiences, even when they number more than 14.

Landshark’s voice is breaking and it may just be the sheer unpredictability of his sound that is the secret of his success. Bookies have stopped taking bets on Landshark, because he is now commonly regarded as a sure-fire winner.

Experts feel that his highly-rated chances might be related to the fact that, alone amongst the contestants, his lyrics do fit the music.

Lyrics: Goin’ up Camborne ‘Ill

The Roundup will be following the further development of this story for the benefit of the thousands of our readers around the world who 'live for Eurovision'.

WHAT RELUBBUS MEANS TO THE WORLD

In a fragile, changing world buffeted by events, a constant and reliable bulwark such as RELUBBUS is a necessary point of reference for all.

But just what does RELUBBUS mean to the movers and shakers of the world? We asked 8 influential people what RELUBBUS means to them.

Barack Obama

When I campaigned for the office of President, I had one image fixed firmly before me and it was the picture of the one true Statesman this world has ever seen – Billy Spargo.

It is no secret that I modelled my internet campaign on the so-called Spargo political fishing net, which ‘captures more political fish’ than any other. It is a matter of great regret to me that I cannot make Relubbus the site of my first foreign visit, since Councillor Spargo has told me that he has no time to fit me in for a couple of years.

I shall wait patiently. Relubbus stands for everything I would like America to be. When I walk down Boswedden Lane for the first time, I will truly be a happy man.

Cecilie Attias (Sarkozy)

The reason I left my former husband, the 3ft 6 ins tall French President, Nicholas Sarkozy is that I met a real man whilst on holiday in Cornwall. He may have been 91 years old but he had a very powerful aroma, which conquered me.

He took me to Boswedden Lane and to the RC Oates Superstore, to the Relubbus Conservatoire, to the spacious halls (yes, there are two!) of the Wendron Lane Methodist Church to a meeting of the Young Farmers’ wives and I realised the poverty of Parisian life in an instant.

The sad limp structures along the Seine have nothing to compare with the brave bold buildings of Relubbus. The superior sights and smells assault the senses and leave one as helpless as I felt in the strong arms and penetrating aroma of the great Spargo.

I was just a plaything – a distraction - for this great man and I had to go elsewhere to find a poor copy of the great Spargo after I had left my pathetic Parisian dwarf, but I did retain a reverend respect for Relubbus, which reared this great man.

HU Jintao

At a G20 meeting in Relubbus, Billy Spargo took me both to the Fish and Chip Shop half way up Causewayhead in Penzance and also to the Wimpy Bar in Market Jew Street. Then he took me to a rehearsal of the famous Newlyn Male Voice choir, which had worked under the legendary Norrie Williams.

Dizzy with this cultural overload, I was then taken to Penlowarth, where the sheer inventiveness of the benefits claimants was breathtaking. After this, we walked down the serene majesty of Boswedden Lane completely alone, apart from the four thousand Relubbus Boy Scouts assigned to us as security.

Their constant vigilance and ‘preparedness’ made me realise that China truly had much to learn from Relubbus. My two day visit gradually stretched to one month as I realised that the thousands of years of Chinese ‘civilisation’ had brought us nothing. The sophistication of society in Greater Relubbus had won me over completely. Now we all say “Long Live Lelubbus!”

Helen Mirren

Years ago, before I was famous, I was walking down Bread street in Penzance having got really badly pissed up at a party in St James’s Street, when I bumped into a man called Sam Curnow, who ran a fish shop near the top of Causewayhead in Penzance.

I was drunk. He was drunk. But he started talking about the bombs and I was away with him. Yes, he was a little old at his 84 years to my 18, but he had Cornish charisma and I have never met a man since who could do what he did – drunk or sober.

In his memory, I am there for Relubbus, the place of his birth.

Yulia Tymoshenko

We want it civilisation innat Ukraine. It is wonderful ting you know, like? Accordingly we examine all countries round world to get good example to follow it here.

As soon as we hear of Greater Relubbus, bastion of freedom in face of totalitarian Communist Hayle led by dictator Tregavarah Ventongimps, we think of our position here in free sunny Ukraine by the sea right next door to cold Russia of Vladimir Ventongimps Putin.

I write to great Billy Spargo and ask it him for help. He reply kindly by saying he will give me one. Relubbus is model not just for Ukraine, but for all world.

Pope Benedikt XVI
One of ze main reasons that I haff poping taken up is zat – years ago – venn I vaz on holiday in Cornwall, I met ze young Wilhelm Spargo.

I vaz 11 and he vaz older. He vaz my hero and I followed him like a puppy dog. “I vish to be in your gang, Billy!” I screamed. He replied “You gotta better chence of bein pope than bein in my gang, boy!” Being a serious-minded Cherman, I took his vords to heart and applied myself to becoming pope.

Now zat I haff zis achieved, I vill ask Billy if za Vatikan can join ze Relubbus gang! I haff to hurry zis request as I haff been getting into troubles recently and might be ze first Pope to have ot resign! When I haff done poping, I will ask nicely to come to Relubbus to hide.

Lawrence of Arabia

As a child I played upon the sand dunes of Relubbus Towans. My parents often went off drinking leaving me to fend for myself as toddler of 1 or 2 years old.

This toughens you up. With nothing but a nappy to protect me from the blisteringly hot Cornish rain in temperatures which, in August, reached as high as 18 degrees centigrade, I roamed far and wide over the Towans and thus came to love the sand and regard it as a safe haven.

When I reached the deserts of Arabia, it was only the military requirement to ‘blend in’ that kept me from donning a nappy again and, instead, putting on the namby-pamby get-up which the surrounding Ayrabs wore. Thus I owe it to my early years training in Relubbus that I took to the desert sands so well. Hats off to Relubbus!!

BEAT THE CREDIT CRUNCH WITH OUR AMAZING GIFT RANGE

AT SECONDS AWAY OF ADELAIDE STREET PENZANCE

Customer car is parked outside our store (shown left) and things inside are busy, busy!!

Machine-knitted cardigan – white ribbed with ruffled edges – size 22 – only 11 years old – three arms. Would make lovely Christmas present for beloved with three arms! £45

Home-made Sou’Wester crafted 14 years ago by donor’s Granpa from simulated lino – needs new cords, but still keeps rain off. Only £1.29

Butane-powered toothbrush with stainless steel brushes – failed prototype, so only £3.75

For those special occasions! Set of Ceramic teeth – startling white for that Hollywood look. (Must be taken out before eating!!) Get that film star look for only £215

Light pea-green sock – size 11 – once one of a pair, so big reduction – only £1.09

Half of a trombone – original blue leather case intact – bargain at just £75

Shopping Trolley - runs well – Morrison’s sign removed. Could also, with enough cushions, be used as pram. £49

Folding Yellow and Purple camping table suitable for breakfast for one. Two legs missing, so only 31 pence!

Nest of three tables – bevelled glass tops with mahogany-effect surrounds – only slightly fire-damaged – £97

Wooden lavatory seat – splits can probably be planed out, making as new - £47.50

Gas-powered Grundig black and white television set, sometimes capable of receiving BBC1 and Channel 4. Full set of controls includes dials for volume and vertical and horizontal hold, allowing easy adjustability. Comes with previous owner’s home-designed extending arm for easy adjustment from your armchair!! £754

Kenwood Chef 1b foodmixer – hand-operated - delicate mechanism – suit woman or gay man, only £9

Ladies (size 18) full length coat in black rubber with bright orange ‘fur’ collar - £246

Madame Carla Sarkozy shown here on the left coming out of the store having made a purchase of Edna Angove's Lingerie.

Fallen tree – lots of good wood in it – not in shop - must be collected from site - at night – silently - £87

Genuine antique Parisian pissoir – originally copper green – now needs a good lick of paint, but in perfect working order - £595

Whole lorry load of Albanian Christmas sweets – with instructions – in 10 kilo tins – handling gloves supplied – only £1.50 a tin – Go on, spoil the kiddies!!

Only Licensed Outlet for Edna Angove’s made-to-measure hand-knitted lingerie for her and for him. Come in store to view options available and to make your appointment with the legendary wizard-knitter of Colinsey Road. Sample prices - Lady’s Brazier and Knickers £175; Gentleman’s pouch £165

Collection of 20 Sudoku books – vastly reduced as already filled in - £1.75 the lot!

Record Player plus 7 LP records of the unforgettable Hymie Slibowitz playing Calypso on the Jew’s Harp £235

Kiddies’ trike in Bob the Builder motif – works perfectly, but no chain £19

Pinky n’ Perky Pogo stick (yes, almost a collector’s item!!). Handle broken off, so only £150

Ukrainian ‘I speak your weight’ machine - in perfect working order - £39

Barbie Princess Dress – suitable for 5-6 year olds – expertly mended and now, after a wash, almost good as new so £12

Stainless steel sink with cold tap (needs new washer) – a mere snip at £5 in view of strange stains and odd smell that won’t go away.

This is just a sample of what we have for you in store at SECONDS AWAY!!

For the first five customers tomorrow, there will be a FREE one ounce bag of sawdust!!

THUNDERCLAPS AT ST CLAP'S

By Our Religious Affairs Correspondent, Chlamydia Diaphragm-Fart

Crows an Wra has been rocked by controversy following various scandals emerging from the fundraiser held in the Sunday School rooms of the Maronite Christian Church of St Fiacre -- the latter being, quite by coincidence, the patron saint of sexually-transmitted disease. Although, outside of Crows an Wra, this may be a little-known fact of the sort which might only help you to become successful on Who wants to be a Millionaire?, all the denizens of Crows an Wra know it and thus the Church is known locally as the Church of St Clap's.

“St Clap’s” holds a successful fundraiser every year at this time and it is always a magnetic crowd-puller, attracting a mind-boggling 48 visitors last year, including the Pope, Benedict XVI (shown on the left,wearing a dashing new hat, purchased at Simpson’s in Penzance), temptress Madame Sarkozy, comedian Jimmy Carr, and (then) presidential hopeful, Barack Obama.


Unbelievably, this year, St Clap’s managed to pull in even more visitors, achieving a total of 54. Amongst these, Barack Obama was back again – a hopeful no longer, but a President-elect who stated his clear intention to secure closer bonds with the Greater Relubbus Urban Council led by the visionary 84-year-old Billy Spargo.

As Obama said, “Spargo (shown here on the left in a picture of typical world-leader-inspiring serenity) has so much to teach the world – about ethics, about statecraft and about personal hygiene”. At the mention of this last point, Madame Sarkozy (Cecilia, the Frog one, not the new Eytie one) , another returning visitor and one whose name has been romantically linked with that of Councillor Spargo, burst into enthusiastic applause, followed by floods of sobbing tears.

Apparently Sarah Palin too had been intending to come to St Clap’s at Crows an Wra because it was the only place outside of Alaska, other than Washington, that she had heard of. However, she was held up by emergency repairs on her hairdo.

Celebrity, then, is something we have come to readily associate with Crows an Wra. What is, for us all, entirely new is the huge controversy that has arisen from the nature of some of the fund-raising acts.

The Church verger and assistant choirmaster, 45-year-old bachelor Gwenver Lamprey Smegma-Tregenza, has upset very many people by posing as a "Scotchman", “Wee Doogie MacDuff”.

Wearing just a pink Guernsey sweater, matching pink tartan and pink ballet shoes, “Wee Doogie MacDuff” sat closeted in a telephone box, which was draped in lavish purple satin to discourage prying eyes out for a freebie.

He charged visitors £5 to lift his tartan “to see what a Scotchman has under his kilt!” It was considered that such a show was “lowering the tone” of the event. Both ladies who queued outside Doogie’s stall, the Misses Penberthy (89 and 92), who suffer from poor sight and poor hearing, each went in several times and were heard to remark that they simply could not guess what the vegetable was.

Doogie’s offer of half-price for children was deemed to be beyond the pale and the Rev Abdul Aziz Polglaze closed down the stall when he saw the sign.

Amongst other famous guests, an inquisitive Bundeskanzlerin Angela Merkel, dressed as the Wagnerian Brunhilde and sporting a briar pipe, was seen to be showing especial interest in Agnes Botterill’s home-made Treacle Skin Care range for pipe-smoking females.

José Manuel Barroso, the President of the European Commission, who lends a new respectability to the practice of cross-dressing, was seen to be captivated by Denzil Trevains’ stall “Is it pigshit or is it chocolate?” After 15 tasting sessions at £5 a go, José was clearly deeply shocked to be told that the substance was really not chocolate.

He became extremely upset and was escorted from the building, shouting that it contravened all EU laws to offer pigshit to innocents to eat. Trevains was unmoved: “No one ad’un apart from ‘ee. Everyone d knaw ‘s all a bit laugh. I could’n’ believe it when this ‘ere man cum up and wanted to pay for to eat of un. Mind you – least it was fresh this mornin’!”

At this point the Reverend Polglaze thanked everyone for coming – especially the celebrity foreign guests – and announced that the event had raised a mind-boggling £537.57.

PROFESSOR MADRON PENGELLY, PSYCHOTHERAPIST

CELEBRITY NEWS
Professor Madron Pengelly (29) is, in the opinion of his mother, the world’s greatest psychotherapist. He has, apparently, helped the disturbed minds of countless global glitterati who have flocked to his consulting rooms in his Granpa’s shed just off the Long Rock Industrial Estate.

A session with him reminds all classical scholars of the celebrated partnership between Plato and Socrates, for Professor Pengelly is always in the company of his adviser, Dan Jago.

Pictured here are, on the right, Professor Pengelly himself, and, on the left, his constant companion since the age of 15, the redoubtable Dan Jago.

Although they have animated conversations with one another, it is only ever Dan Jago who now speaks to third parties, including Professor Pengelly’s mother, Sandra (58).

Thus it was that our interview with the young genius was conducted entirely through the medium of Dan Jago, who had been given a good wash by Mrs Pengelly prior to our visit.

We asked whether Professor Pengelly was prepared to name any of the famous folk he is said, by his mother, to have helped. Dan Jago became very animated at this point and rounded on us declaring “We are neither able nor willing to breach patient confidentiality”.

Roundup reporters are nothing if not dogged and the reporter assigned to undertake this interview, Pender “Ferret” Treglown, was not prepared to be so easily discouraged. Negotiations commenced immediately and rapidly advanced to a point whereby Pengelly, according to Jago, was prepared, for a sum no less than £1.49 and no more than £1.51, to spill the beans on his two latest clients.

Neither of these two clients is in the category of international glitterati. In fact, they are both local girls. However, they have agreed, only after the offer of suitably attractive financial inducements, to give their accounts of psychotherapy with “Dan and Mad”.

Elspeth Behenna (21), of Kenidjack describes herself as a freelance corpse dresser. It is a lonely job, travelling from morgue to morgue, cleaning up the recently deceased to look their best for their beloved.

It is perhaps the solitary nature of her professional life that allowed her to slip into the aberration, which became her undoing, of eating (after frying in olive oil!) the left buttock of each of her clients. When she confessed this on a visit to Father Christmas at the R C Oates Superstore, it was his shocked reaction and refusal to give her a present that made her realise that something was wrong. She then approached “Dan and Mad” for help.

She stated that it was only a matter of seconds until Dan fully commanded her attention and until she was no longer conscious of the fact that Mad’s right hand disappeared into the sock that was Dan. She reported that every time that Dan spoke in his high-pitched squeaky voice with a pronounced Camborne accent, Mad’s left hand was covering his (Mad's) mouth.

With artful verbal proddings, Elspeth was soon made to feel the error of her ways and she is now over her little aberration. As she says herself “I do’n eat bum no more!!”

The next patient, Rosie Trembath (24) of Landewednack presented more of a challenge, as became apparent during the first of their 42 (so far) consultations.

Rosie, a self-employed market gardener, has, since the age of 14, had an itch problem ‘down below’, which can only be relieved by vigorous couplings. The frequency with which such relief had to be sought was beginning to get in the way of her day job and she realised that she had a problem. Thus she had recourse to “Dan and Mad”.

Professor Pengelly’s usual manner of procedure was interrupted right from the first consultation, when Rosie began to outline the nature of her complaint. The professor’s left hand slipped from his mouth and moved to his trouser pocket. Rosie then became the first patient to witness the professor’s mouth moving as Dan spoke, but she was distracted from this obvious observation by the strange, but mesmerisingly rhythmic movements in Professor Pengelly’s trousers as she told her tale.

Enervated by the whole experience, Rosie felt no further itches as long as she kept her regular appointments with the Professor, which she continues to do to this day.

Thus we have but two accounts of therapy with this unusual man. However, a reliable source , Mrs ‘Ollis, who does cleaning at nearby Morrisons, has seen several celebrities slipping in and out of the hut, including the Chancellor of Germany, Frau Merkel, His Holiness the Pope, Presidents Bush and Sarkozy, Mrs Cherie Blair and Basil Brush. We will be watching!