Readers rejoice!! It is another chance for you, our READERS, to win fabulous prizes!!
Regular patrons of the Relubbus Panopticon will immediately recognise this picture of the fabulously talented Zelda Barncoose (29) of Zennor, playing her zither, while her devoted husband, Jimmy (32), a butcher from St Just, beats out the tune with his hat upon her head.
The all-important question is, "WHAT TUNE IS SHE PLAYING?" The Editor would like, at this point, to insist that Miss Bernice Pierce of St Clare, Penzance, does not write in again (for the 93rd time) to state that the tune is "Camberne 'Ill". The only clue we are giving is that the song is NOT Camberne 'Ill.
So the first step towards winning any prize is guessing which tune Zelda is playing.
Regular readers, especially those from Dar Es Salaam, will be well aware that supplying that one answer will not be enough to win the prizes. No one knows that better than the Editor's 3-year-old niece, Loveday, who has won many of the prizes for the past 6 years. "Prizes", I hear you say, "what might these be?"
First prize this time is nothing less than this sparkling, brand-new 2008 Cornish Avenger car, pictured on the left. Available only in sea-green with pink go-faster stripes, this motor will be the envy of all your friends, equipped as it is with the very latest in gizmos.
We cannot name them all but, for instance, the driver's door has a handle that enables you to lower or raise the window, thus adjusting the condition of the air in the car. We call this "air-conditioning" -- just watch other car-makers imitate it!
In another groundbreaking development, the front windscreen is equipped with a "wiper" which wipes away rain, enabling the driver to motor safely through thunderstorms. So, at a stroke, gone are the days when you couldn't drive in the rain.
In every model of the the Avenger there is also a transistor radio taped to the back window, which is capable of picking up not only Radio Cornwall, but also Radio Caroline, for those of you who like racey music. You can change between the two channels at the flick of a switch, although, of course, you do need a friend in the back seat to flick the switch for you.
Hidden in the glove department is a coin-operated, fruit-flavoured-condom dispenser for the many James Bond moments that are bound to arise in a car of this calibre. The dispenser operates on Lithuanian litas coins and offers three favourite Lithuanian fruit flavours -- blueberry, gooseberry, and loganberry.
In addition to the driver's seat, there is now also an UPHOLSTERED passenger seat, which will provide unheard-of comfort for the little lady in your life!! In the back, the plank has now been planed so that no splinters will ever again give discomfort to your passengers.
The engine is a technologists' dream, representing the very latest in advanced automotive engineering from Trevaskis Motors!! The engine runs on the excreta of the Tasmanian Wolf. This has the advantage that it is very eco-friendly, but labours a trifle under the disadvantage that the Tasmanian Wolf (and hence its droppings) has been in short supply for a good few decades. The lucky winner and driver need have no fears though, as a a full two days fuel (for four miles in total) will be supplied FREE!!.
We could wax lyrical about the Avenger for hours , but must stop somewhere. Suffice it to say that the car boot OPENS, enabling you to use the full 1 foot square space for any luggage you may wish to carry.
Now that you are all salivating with eagerness to own this mean machine, and assuming that you have the correct answer to question one, you need only know the answer to the second question to gain the keys to the Cornish Avenger.
Well, it is not so much a question as a task, which you must successfully complete. TRANSLATE THE FOLLOWING INTO KERNEWEK:
Note: You must use the very latest SWF spelling! Entries in Unified Cornish or even Kemmyn will automatically be disqualified.
"With a methodical and relentless thoroughness, he probed each corner and nook and cranny of his most capacious nose until he found it. Then, he extracted his finger and held the gleaming prize before her eyes. She was so thrilled by the sight that she knew then that she would do anything for this man. She sat there transfixed. It sat there, gleaming upon his finger, a bewitching wash of colours, of greens, of purples, of blues -- how could one nose produce so many emblems of colour?"
Okay, so you have won the car. What else could you win?
Special times call for special prizes - and NOTHING could be more special than this! Behold a new creation from Nancledra!! It is the SAXOBOGGA!
It successfully combines the amatory with the lavatory, hitting all the necessary low notes, one after another. On the open market, this new miracle of the musical world would cost some £75,000 (with plumbing costs extra!).
Picture the scene! You are the new musical maestro. Your beloved is seated upon the throne, beset, alas, with problems of a hideously noisome and gaseous nature which nothing but the muse of music can release. You and she can blow together in happy unison...
Yes, but to win this miraculous musical machine, you must first answer the following question correctly:
Which of the two, Julia or Andrew, will first leave the shabby pee-perfumed limelight of the Liberal Democrats and truly speak for Cornwall?
Of course, if your knowledge is deeper than that of our questioner and you give a name other than that of the sweet Julia or the sainted Andrew and you name a person who does then lay down their name for Cornwall at Westminster, then you may name your own prize within our country.
Finally, as is customary with all our competitions, entries will only be valid (and, therefore, read) if accompanied by £20,000 in used notes. So, what are you waiting for??? Get writing!!
YES, IT'S COMPETITION TIME AGAIN!!!!!!
GREY-SQUIRREL-CHESS INVENTOR COMMUTES FROM TANZANIA!
Ben Godrevy-Baragwanath (known as BGB), the mysterious 64-year-old Cornish recluse and inventor, who over the years has confounded the public with the brilliance of his inventions and the outlandishness of his eccentricity, has once more hit the headlines.
Pictured on the left is BGB's holiday home in plush Kisutu Street in far-off Dar es Salaam. This traditional Tanzanian abode is a conscious tribute to local building techniques. However, we are also assured that the habitation lacks for nothing in terms of western standards of comfort, since it benefits from not just one, but two lean-tos, ingeniously set at some distance from one another so that simultaneous occupation will not result in any noisy embarrassments that might deter either occupant from prosecuting the business in hand.
What has mystified BGB-watchers for some time is just how he manages to appear waving before the webcam next to his Tanzanian residence before popping up only minutes later in front of his mansion in fashionable Boswedden Lane in Relubbus.
Now we can reveal the almost unbelievable solution to this puzzle. BGB has explained to the Roundup that he is COMMUTING between Dar es Salaam and Relubbus, using a dematerialisation and materialisation device, which he calls his "Redar", "cos I duh use'n t' get from Relubbus to Dar es Salaam an' back!"
BGB is shown here on the left, wearing a part of the outfit that enables him to "disappear" from one place and "appear" in the other.
Known to the Relubbus and world public as an incredible inventor (he devised, for instance, slug-writing* and grey-squirrel chess**, to name but two of his peculiar, yet fascinating, offerings to the world), he now seems to have surpassed himself by inventing a technology which could put all of the world's airlines out of business overnight. However, the scientific genius has in this, as on previous occasions, absolutely no interest in the business exploitation of his stunning invention.
*Slug-writing involves hypnotising slugs and giving them a secret message, which then emerges slowly in their silver getaway trail.
** The now hugely popular grey-squirrel chess involves the use of "neutralised" and suitably decorated live squirrels as chess pieces, which are then vaporised, instead of removed, in the course of play.
ADVERTISEMENT
Is a Laundry career the right one for you?
Trevaskis Laundries are looking for staff! Could this be you? The young man on the left is visiting a Trevaskis Laundromat. Behind the smart-looking machinery is a smart girl, who will get his clothes clean in record time.
Have you got what it takes to be a Travaskis Laundry girl?
The rewards are terrific -- a massive pay cheque of £3 17s 4d per week for a 90 hour week, together with one week's free subscription to the famous Relubbus Roundup and 14 years subscription to the Cornishman or the West Briton. After 30 years, there is the chance to move up higher within the Trevaskis business empire, with the possibility of working, say, on the cheese counter in the Morvah shop, with the usual perk of taking home 2 and a quarter ounces of free cheese a week.
If you look at this and think it could be "you", then hesitate no longer and apply to Trevaskis Enterprises of Long Rock (Industrial Estate) and let your new life begin!
