SMALL ADS
Home-made breast milk pump, in polished walnut finish, adjustable to fit like a glove – mains powered, but works well off car battery when out and about. At just £79.99 this is a bargain for such workmanship. Box 4567
Four East German electric plugs – just 17 pence each!! Box 5821
Size 24 basque in plastique and leatherette with Leopard skin effect. Buy this for her and watch her become a wild cat!! Just £35. Box 5209
Breeding pair of fighting budgies (“Budge and Smudge”) from Pendeen. This pair has produced a long line of champions in the West Penwith Killer Budgie competition. Old age and ill health oblige owner to reluctantly part with these two – for bargain price of just £12,500. Box 6721
Consignment of 600 Rumanian toothbrushes made with real hedgehog prickles. This is a truly unusual and, in Cornwall, unique acquisition possibility. £10 the lot. Box 4598
Three gent’s trouser belts in brown leather to suit waist size 58”. Buckle gone on two of them so all three available at special reduced price of only £14.50. Box 6923
Mahogony spittoon – never been emptied - an adornment for any home. £7.50. Box 2397
Cigarette (and cigar) butts thrown away by the stars and the famous. Unique collection lovingly gathered over the years by avid collector (my uncle – now deceased). Collection includes exhibits from Churchill, the Queen, Adolf Hitler, Caesar Augustus, Marilyn Monroe, Chiang Kai Shek, Dave Allen, King Henry VII, William the Conqueror and Sooty. £23,000. Box 4571
Fifteenth Century Television set. Looks very old and an adornment and talking point for any home. £2,300. Box 4923
Ladies never be caught short again! Special ‘weak bladder’ ladies’ handbag. Home-made for my wife. Now she is sadly gone and some other lady with wetting problems can benefit. Willy P. Box 6109
LOCAL BUSINESS CLASSIFIEDS
Pendrewartha’s for swimming pool maintenance, cesspool emptying and septic tank clearance. Don’t worry, we do change the hoses according to the job we are doing!!!
Tel Nancledra 459873
PC problems? We can help you out. Fast and friendly service with no call out charge. Just call Nigel and Kevin at the Mousehole Nude PC surgery. £29 per hour. 15% discount for nudists. Tel Mousehole 567832.
Say Goodbye to Accounting headaches! Call Narcus Prig at Newlyn Abacus and SlideRule and “we’ll turn they losses into profits!” £400 per hour. Tel Newlyn 459285
Trendy Wendy the trouser specialist. “ I’ll take them in, let them down and patch them up!” My ‘While you wait’ service is famous throughout St Just, particularly with the over eighties. Now offering exclusive washing and pressing service whilst you are wearing the clothes!! Tel St Just 509345
Pssst! Can you smell ‘Old people’? If you have old people living with you, then relax, because they don’t need to smell. Just send them to ‘Clemo’s Caustic Washing’ and they’ll never smell bad again. Same process available for use in ‘final preparation’ at any good undertaker’s. Tel Tremethick Cross 927574
Does you wife talk too much? Is life just a nag, nag, nag? Just buy Qwenty Penhaligon’s Hypnosis kit for £25 and you can stop her talking – whenever you like. Just one of the bargains available at Hendra’s Home Improvements Tel Penzance 673412
Never buy a carpet again! Jimmy Jago ‘the Tarmac man' will tarmac the inside of your home. Standard large (11ft by 6ft) front room only £500. This is a one-off cost as you will never need buy a carpet again!! Using special ‘blast-on’ technique, I can also cover your walls and ceilings, so you need never paint again!! Tel Heamoor 582301
Ladies! Relax in the unusual comfort of wicker basket ware lingerie – made and fitted for you by master Wicker-Weaver Madron Trembath. Tel Nanjizel 678423
False teeth handcrafted for you from Balsa wood – be the envy of all your friends! Available in waxed, lacquered or ‘natural’ finish. From Andrewartha’s 'Ardware Tel Botallack 657234
SMALL ADS AND LOCAL BUSINESS CLASSIFIEDS
IT COULD ONLY HAPPEN IN RELUBBUS!!
The Roundup today breaks the story of the very first human being to change from a man – into a woman – and then back to a man again!!
This is the fantastic, but true, story of one Chris Bolitho – he/she kept the same name throughout the transformations so as not to inconvenience Chris’s employers, “Dust to Dust” the Nancledra-based vacuum-packing “no smells” undertakers.
Born in Tregeseal, near metropolitan St Just in the early 1950s, Chris was a normal schoolboy with an abnormal requirement and capacity for smoking cigarettes. At just 13 years of age, he was getting through 3 packs of PLAYERS Weights a day.
After some four years, when Chris had just started work as a ‘washer’ at the above-named firm of undertakers, his mother realised that this heavy smoking was not normal behaviour and took him to see the GP, Dr Behenna, to seek medical guidance.
Dr Behenna (112) had long been a man seeking to ‘explore his feminine side ‘ and he had discovered, in a kitchen accident, that inhaling Maggie Fountain’s old Mediterranean Pancake mixture had greatly helped him enhance his feminine side. He had also noticed that his appetite for smoking had completely disappeared after just three weeks of taking the mixture once every two days.
He therefore had no hesitation in recommending that young Chris start taking the same mixture – three times a day until further notice - to put an end to the smoking habit.
However, since Dr Behenna was fatally hit by the Marazion bus only the following day, there was no ‘further notice’ and consequently no halt to the thrice daily ingestion of the magic mixture.
After just three months, Chris was a confirmed non-smoker. However, the treatment had brought about only a partial success, because he had also completely changed sex – without any surgical intervention whatever. Male Chris had become female Chris – as pictured left.
Pronounced character and personality changes accompanied this astounding sex change.
The young male Chris was a retiring young man, who was content with his own company, who adored his Hornby train set and for whom relaxation meant retiring to his room with a good stock of cigarettes and just playing with himself.
The new female Chris was foul-mouthed, flatulent and ‘liked men’ – a lot. After a bewildering amount of alcohol, some of them even liked her. She soon acquired the name of the ‘Tregeseal Bike’. She had three children in rapid succession and also took up heavy drinking as a hobby.
After the third child, the drinking had become so bad that her mother carted her off to see the new GP, Dr Penhallow. Given the nature of Chris’s problem, Dr Penhallow was just the right person to see.
Dr Loveday Penhallow (39) had long fought with the demon drink. After trying the orthodox and the unorthodox, she had eventually had some success with Will Trembath’s Particular Elixir. Taken ONLY twice a month, it had completely eradicated Dr Penhallow’s unfortunate reliance on drink. Unfortunately, it had also caused the doctor to grow a willy as well.
However such was the astonishing success with eradication of reliance on alcohol that the doctor had no hesitation in recommending the Particular Elixir to Chris.
Chris was too drunk to hear what the doctor was saying. Sadly the batteries in Chris’s mum’s hearing aid were gone and so she completely misunderstood the doctor’s instructions, understanding “take the potion 5 times a day”, instead of 5 times a month.
Within a month, all of Chris’s feminine bits had simply disappeared – to be replaced by a willy again. Unfortunately the trauma of all the changes caused Chris to suffer from anxiety and he found that he could only escape form it by smoking PLAYERS Weights.
Chris (shown here in a recent picture) died last week from lung cancer. In his will, he asked that the Roundup publish his remarkable story.
We do so today - with pride at being selected to release this world-first unique story.
