Professor Ivor Codpiece (99), Professor of Publishing at the Relubbus Insititute of Publishing 
and Opprobrious Fescennine Fanfaronades (RIPOFF) has been conducting a survey of the thousands of magazines and publications available throughout Cornwall.
We asked the good professor to take time out of his busy schedule and write a review of the very best. He began his exposition with the wholly predictable observation that the Relubbus Roundup itself was an organ of international significance and renown and therefore beyond the scope of a purely Cornish review.
He praised the Roundup’s incisive grasp of all the significant threads of political, cultural and philosophical import and stated that no other publication in the world could compare with it.
Then, prising himself from the clinging clutches of his adoring assistant, Tamsin Opie (25), the great man condescended to opine on two exemplary Cornish publications in his Cornish Publishing Review.
The first publication he singled out for unstinting praise was a magazine called Cornish World. He dismissed all competing magazines (there are some 1,900) as being tawdry vehicles for Estate Agents’ drivel dreamed up to ensnare the fickle attentions of the wealthy English visitor.
In contrast, Cornish World seemed aimed at the Cornishman in Cornwall. Further, it concerned itself with real live Cornish issues. The good professor confessed that he and Tamsin had spent many a happy hour entangled in contemplation of its pages and further suggested that it become required reading for everyone in Cornwall above the age of two and a half years.
He then dictated a note to young Tamsin instructing master Pengelly to increase his print run accordingly and make arrangements for delivery to all Cornish houses.
The second publication to win the praise of the great Professor is, of course, none other than The Cornishman itself. This is the newspaper everyone else tries to emulate. Well-known Australian dingo-jumper Murdoch has been itching to get his hands on this grand organ, but even his great riches are insufficient to land him this bejewelled crown of the newspaper world.
The good professor spoke at great length about the numerous highlights, which overwhelm the reader from start to finish, concluding that the Obituaries were pure liquid poetry.
At this point the good Professor began to dribble badly and Tamsin, appearing now in comely Nurse’s outfit and wearing 'naughty blonde' wig, insisted on terminating the interview and taking the Professor back to the treatment room.
SPRING BARGAINS!!
Single divan bed, no stains on top of mattress, no headboard. Only three legs, but bricks provided! £45 ono. Phone 077654 76321
Kiddy’s Captain’s bed with integral washer/dryer – ‘Those soothing rhythmic noises soon get them off to sleep!’ £750 Phone 077523 45971
Lead for roofing delivered to order – evenings only - £100 van load - cash only. Phone 07765 45612
‘Aardvark’ propane-powered oil-filled towel rail. Plays recording of ‘Trelawny’ on Jew’s harp, when fully powered up. Yours for just £656!! Phone 077651 56901
Aerobically composted manure lovingly harvested from housing estates in Camborne by recycling expert. Available in double-sealed 20 kilo bags at only £5 each. Phone 07794 76521
Bags of pebbles - for sale to gullible trippers at £50 a time. Available to Cornish folk for just £1.50 for each bag of three. They can be marketed as the gallstones of King Arthur, Humphry Davy, Trevithick, St Piran or even Billy Spargo. Use your imagination and take the trippers for a ride!! Phone 07782 76512
CORNISH WORLD AND CORNISHMAN ARE STARS!
BEAT THE CREDIT CRUNCH WITH OUR AMAZING GIFT RANGE
AT SECONDS AWAY OF ADELAIDE STREET PENZANCE
Customer car is parked outside our store (shown left) and things inside are busy, busy!!
Machine-knitted cardigan – white ribbed with ruffled edges – size 22 – only 11 years old – three arms. Would make lovely Christmas present for beloved with three arms! £45
Home-made Sou’Wester crafted 14 years ago by donor’s Granpa from simulated lino – needs new cords, but still keeps rain off. Only £1.29
Butane-powered toothbrush with stainless steel brushes – failed prototype, so only £3.75
For those special occasions! Set of Ceramic teeth – startling white for that Hollywood look. (Must be taken out before eating!!) Get that film star look for only £215
Light pea-green sock – size 11 – once one of a pair, so big reduction – only £1.09
Half of a trombone – original blue leather case intact – bargain at just £75
Shopping Trolley - runs well – Morrison’s sign removed. Could also, with enough cushions, be used as pram. £49
Folding Yellow and Purple camping table suitable for breakfast for one. Two legs missing, so only 31 pence!
Nest of three tables – bevelled glass tops with mahogany-effect surrounds – only slightly fire-damaged – £97
Wooden lavatory seat – splits can probably be planed out, making as new - £47.50
Gas-powered Grundig black and white television set, sometimes capable of receiving BBC1 and Channel 4. Full set of controls includes dials for volume and vertical and horizontal hold, allowing easy adjustability. Comes with previous owner’s home-designed extending arm for easy adjustment from your armchair!! £754
Kenwood Chef 1b foodmixer – hand-operated - delicate mechanism – suit woman or gay man, only £9
Ladies (size 18) full length coat in black rubber with bright orange ‘fur’ collar - £246
Madame Carla Sarkozy shown here on the left coming out of the store having made a purchase of Edna Angove's Lingerie.
Fallen tree – lots of good wood in it – not in shop - must be collected from site - at night – silently - £87
Genuine antique Parisian pissoir – originally copper green – now needs a good lick of paint, but in perfect working order - £595
Whole lorry load of Albanian Christmas sweets – with instructions – in 10 kilo tins – handling gloves supplied – only £1.50 a tin – Go on, spoil the kiddies!!
Only Licensed Outlet for Edna Angove’s made-to-measure hand-knitted lingerie for her and for him. Come in store to view options available and to make your appointment with the legendary wizard-knitter of Colinsey Road. Sample prices - Lady’s Brazier and Knickers £175; Gentleman’s pouch £165
Collection of 20 Sudoku books – vastly reduced as already filled in - £1.75 the lot!
Record Player plus 7 LP records of the unforgettable Hymie Slibowitz playing Calypso on the Jew’s Harp £235
Kiddies’ trike in Bob the Builder motif – works perfectly, but no chain £19
Pinky n’ Perky Pogo stick (yes, almost a collector’s item!!). Handle broken off, so only £150
Ukrainian ‘I speak your weight’ machine - in perfect working order - £39
Barbie Princess Dress – suitable for 5-6 year olds – expertly mended and now, after a wash, almost good as new so £12
Stainless steel sink with cold tap (needs new washer) – a mere snip at £5 in view of strange stains and odd smell that won’t go away.
This is just a sample of what we have for you in store at SECONDS AWAY!!
For the first five customers tomorrow, there will be a FREE one ounce bag of sawdust!!
BEAT THE CREDIT CRUNCH – COME TO BARGAIN CORNER
Following receipt of many enquiries from overseas (in particular, Iceland and Tanzania) we can now confirm that the bargains offered in BARGAIN CORNER may now be purchased by readers from overseas.
It couldn’t be easier. Just email an order to this organ and Mrs Agnes Penberthy, who does the cleaning in the Roundup offices will "parcel ‘n up fer ee" for a small fee of only £74 per item. For a further £76, she will put a stamp on the parcel and take it to the Relubbus Post Office and send it off to you!!
BARGAINS
Baby’s dummy (‘pacifier’ for our many American readers) made of extremely delicate and beautiful hand-blown Sancreed glass. Has a small cut, so reduced to giveaway £17. Email RR or 'phone Molly on Pz 578321
Flip-flops fashioned from local granite - to be secured to feet with strong string (string holes already made in one flip-flop!) – gents – size 12. Only £480 the pair. Email RR or 'phone Mr Rescorla on Paul 7624.
Dried Cowpats!! It is the latest craze in St Buryan!! Use them as a discus in sports competitions. Use them as fuel (yes, beat the credit crunch that way!!). Or wear them as an unusual -- but eye-catching -- hat! Or, do as Mr Angwin of 4 the Terrace does, and eat them, “fer a bit croust!”. They come wrapped in protective aluminium foil. Email RR or 'phone Mr Polkinghorne on St Buryan 7634.
Safe Condoms! If you want to be happy, but safe and sure, then use Mr Polkinghorne’s double-wrapped aluminium foil condoms! Often thought of as useful in the kitchen, Mr Polkinghorne has found a good use for aluminium foil in the bedroom as well! Available in four sizes – 1.“normal”, 2.“a bit larger than normal”, 3.“a bit smaller than normal”, and 4. (the smallest) “why do you even bother, mate?”. Cost is £70 per 100 any size, except size No. 4 (the Goky), which is so popular in Pendeen that delivery there is reduced to only £68 per 100. Email RR or ‘phone Mr Polkinghorne on St Buryan 7634.
5,000 light bulbs (35 watt). Chinese fittings, therefore only £1.50. Email RR or ‘phone Qing Qang Wong on Pz 462812.
Ladies tights (black), with Cornish Chough motif. Only badly laddered on one leg – 75 pence. Email RR or ‘phone Shazzer on Ding Dong 342.
Gentleman’s antique Long Johns – scarcely without stain, even after 72 years – still unwashed, so very well preserved. Email RR or ‘phone Mabel (deceased owner’s daughter) on Tregeseal 7854.
Stone from Penzance beach, believed to be - easily - well over 70,000 years old. Ideally best sold to gullible tripper from Notting Hill or fashionable Hackney. However, owner cannot wait as he has to pay court fines of over £50,000. Therefore prepared to part with this one ounce ‘magnificent study in grey’ for a giveaway £52,000. Email RR or ‘phone Rupert on Newbridge 5621 (be prepared for long wait!).
Pint of urine – believed to be from the last true King Of Cornwall, one Terry of Botallack, and hence over 1,100 years old. This fine relic is now stored in a 2 litre Tesco’s lemonade bottle. No one can guess what magical powers this mysterious liquid can have. However, it is utterly unique – there being no other such Tesco 2 litre lemonade bottle so filled. If you want to possess this piece (sic) of Cornish history and have the necessary £75,000 to purchase it, you must email the RR now or just ‘phone Denis on St Just 4567.
Hearing aid – made of pure finest Irish linen – needs to be clipped around whole head to work well. Only of benefit to the totally deaf- requires car battery – shoulder support required and supplied. Available in purple and green or red and yellow - both only £27,500. Email RR or ‘phone Sally Trumpet on Hayle 456721.
Hearing Dog – fully trained – came top of his class 12 years ago – now sadly deaf himself and hence only 37 pence. Email RR or write (can’t hear ‘phone!!) D Tregear at the Caravans, Logan Rock.
Ladies’ Vibrator – made out of ancient Sapelli hardwood - one extremely careful owner – but contacts blown through overuse - hence vastly reduced price of 11 pence. Email RR or ‘phone Duchess of Cornwall at Highgrove 45612.
BARGAIN CORNER
Eco-friendly wind-up fridge. Can hold half pound of butter and one pint of milk!! Requires only 36 revolutions a minute to keep contents at a constant cool 18 degrees. £545. Call Ernie Rescorla on St Just 872.
One Wellington Boot size 8 left foot, 17 years old, but NO holes! £21. Interested should write enclosing £2.50 reservation and administration fee to D. Dungey, No.4 Boswergy Caravan Park.
Nine sticks of rhubarb (last year’s crop) 47 pence (£45, if delivered). Call Roy on his mobile, 07789 654230.
Paraffin-powered Kiddies night light only £6. Ask for Christine in Penzance Lower Kwop.
Ladies hob-nailed boots, left foot size 5 and right foot size 10 (with "LTregonning" cut into leather). Will suit lady called L Tregonning with appropriately-sized feet. £9. Enquiries to Hazel at Tregenza’s fruiterers in Penzance.
Elderly lady’s underwear (large) Complete set as she has no further need of them. Recently washed and no stains, £37. Apply at Pendrea Home for the Aged.
Gent’s toothbrush, still with some bristles left in the middle, 49 pence. Ask for Denis in the kitchens at the Queens Hotel, Penzance.
One pair of Lady’s Incontinence knickers (new elastic fitted and padding partly renewed!) only 25 pence. Speak to Sylvia Trenwith (when sober only!!) at the Dolphin Inn, Newlyn.
35 cotton buds for ear-cleaning. Only used twice and well-wiped, 25 pence. Apply to the Rev Obadiah Polkinghorne at Marazion Methodist Chapel any Sunday.
Man’s woollen bathing costume in faded purple, patched up (except for fart hole) and fitted with new piece of string. Good for, at least, four more swims. Only 72 pence. Apply to Denzil Rosewarne at Porthmeor Beach, St Ives, who sells Saffron Buns and Kernewek Kemmyn crosswords.
