SHOCK REVELATION ABOUT DUCHY'S GOLDEN COUPLE

Starstruck followers of Relubbus high society have long been used to tales about the extravagant lifestyle of the 'golden couple' - Bert 'Len' Harvey from Towednack and Lily Nicholls from Perrannuthnoe.

As our readers will be well aware, Len prides himself on never having done an honest day's work in his life.  He has passed his time contentedly trolling around the Duchy of  Cornwall - sometimes in fancy costumes - obtaining freebies wherever he can.  He has been most successful at it.  In fact, he has turned cadging off the Duchy into a fine art form.

He is shown here, together with a bewildered Lily who can't find her roll-ups, in a snap taken at Penzance railway station, where he has just spotted the rent man coming towards him to try - unsuccessfully - to collect the 55 years rent owing on the luxury accommodation he shares with Lily in Colinsey Road, Penzance.

So famous has the couple become that no society event in Cornwall is now complete without an appearance from the 'Colinsey Kickback Kids'. 

Now, however, a new and unexpected light has been shone onto the so-called Duke and Duchess of Cornwall.

Following a heavy night out drinking with the girls at the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn, Lily let slip, after her eighteenth port and lemon, that she has never had carnal relations with Len.  Instead, she related, it is her reclusive twin sister, Filly, who lives in a nearby field, who has been the recipient of Len's earnestly amorous attentions.

Apparently, Len is unable to tell the two girls apart.  The Roundup has managed to obtain a rare family photo of the two girls together.  When you look at it, you can appreciate Len's problem.

If you are still struggling, Lily is the one on the right.

SHOCK FOR MOUSEHOLE BUSINESSMAN

Tommy Tregarthen (49) is a man who has made it big in fish.  Over 33 years he has built up a wet fish empire, which has grown to one shop in Mousehole AND a delivery van.

Tommy is a popular man in Mousehole.  Apart from fish, his interests are rhododendrons, pickled turnips, yodelling and conkers.

Tommy is also known to be something of a ladies' man.  One person very much of that opinion is his estranged wife. 

Nancy (41) is a senior stylist at Shelley's of St Just and Paris and she is also still exceedingly bitter about their separation and her failure to get a judge to agree that she should be entitled to receive half of Tommy's delivery van.

It was with some surprise that the Roundup received an invitation to visit the Tregarthen family home in Mousehole.  Nancy lives in the house and Tommy lives in a caravan in the drive, in which he occasionally receives lady visitors, which stirs Nancy's jealousy and anger to ever new heights.

When we arrived at the home, Nancy positioned our photographer and then summoned Tommy to come inside the house.

As soon as he had crossed the threshold,  she launched a ritual verbal attack - with a new and one-off twist.

"You bleddy basterd!  You 'ad that li'll tart, Kylie Pierce, in the caravan las' night, didnee?  Bleddy fool, you don't knaw where she been.  It'll be all ovver the Kwop by lunchtime.  Well, neow, I gotta surprise fer you, my cock!!"

Drawing herself up to her full four foot one inch (for they are both people of restricted growth), she then declared with great glee, "Well, my bird, don't gwout lookin' fer yer van today!  'Es my luvver, idn there namore! 'Es , I parked 'n' up somewhere special far ee, my 'ansome!" 

At the mention of his beloved Austin A35 van, he blenched in fear of what news might follow, for he strongly sensed that the news might not be good.

Fixing him with an intense stare, which sought to drain his very life force and savouring this moment of pay-back time, Nancy then administered the killer blow.  "'Es Cappen, I parked 'n' up sum proper far ee this time. [Dramatic Pause] I pushed 'n' ovver th' edge o' Mousehole Pier!"

This was the moment captured by our ace photographer, Dougie Pengelly.

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Do you require a not-so-decorative slattern with a particularly foul mouth?

Lucy Trevanion (27) an unsuccessful trainee streetwalker from Botallack, where business is extremely slack at present, is seeking new employment.

Her ideal job would be operating the mangle in Penzance laundry, which she would find rewarding and fun.  She claims to have come third in the 2008 Apprentice series and syas that she is accordingly passionate about business.

Lucy can be contacted only by post - addressed to Lucy Trevanion, Botallack.

DUKE OF CORNWALL - NOW OF RELUBBUS?

Relubbus watchers around the world have been intrigued to hear of the preparations being made by the Duke of Cornwall (shown left) and his wife (the famous and luscious Lily Nichols look-alike) in their intent to move lock stock and barrel to "an ordinary housing estate".

They are, in fact, to move to the notorious Bramangath Estate, in Relubbus.

We are able to publish a picture of the sumptuous property they are said to have acquired.  It boasts a front door with a much sought-after porch area and a durable plastic doorbell, playing "Goin up Cambern 'ill comon' down".  Not only this, but it also has a fully functional door knocker.  The luxurious accommodation (three bedrooms and two inside toilets!!) includes a back door giving out on to the extensive grounds of a 30-foot garden, currently laid to waste.

Notwithstanding the fact that the property has the benefit of  a garage, the front garden has been turned to hard standing so as to be easily capable of accommodating the many expected and frequent guest cars.

To make the journey easier still for guests of the Duke to call in, the Roundup has discovered that the Gwavas Estate bus will be especially diverted to call at this new stop, which will be known as 'Lily's Corner' in honour of the woman Camilla most closely resembles.

Despite the huge influence and unparalleled reach of this celebrated publication, even we have not - yet - been able to secure pictures of the inside of the house, but we have have been able to note all the top class advisers and artisans who have been calling at this soon-to-be-famous semi-detached property.

Heamoor fine artist, interior designer, society hostess, pipe aficionado and accomplished drag artist, Nigel Trewern (31) has been responsible for the choice and fitting of all internal soft furnishings. 

Nigel said, over a calming pipe of Dunghill's Morning Mixture:

  "I bin given a budget o' £17.35 fer all the curtains. Wi' that kinamoney, I jes' gone bleddy mad and adda spendout! 

Iss sum bleddy smart in there neow, I kintellee!"

The house has been fitted with three toilets (two of which are inside!).  With an eye to the Duke's concern for disdvantaged minorities, the selected plumber is 28 years old controversial Lariggan Lesbian Communist, Leslie 'Lezzer' Lesnoweth.

This queen o' the pipes' has personally tested all three toilets and found them capable of dealing with anything nornal-sized the ducal duo can put down there.

Leslie will be on 24 hour call to deal with any toilet emergencies as they might arise.  Whilst she is reluctant to disclose the sum she will receive for this high-end service cover by way of retainer, it is rumoured that a figure close to £14.99 per month might well be near the mark!

To draw attention to the problems of child poverty and exploitation head-on, the Duke has elected 'pour encourager les autres' to employ a child as maid-of-all-work. 

Twelve years old Vanessa Trembath will be on duty in the house from 4.30 am until 1.00 am every day. However, she will have a half day free on Sunday March 21st 2032.

This, as Camilla herself declared, will give the poor girl something to look forward to, as she will not be paid.

The Duke's staffing arrangements have also taken full account of the burgeoning West Penwith gay community. 

He has chosen Darren 'Bunty' Behenna to be his butler , the 62-year-old outspoken chairperson of the All-Cornwall LGBT Canasta Club.

Bunty has designed his own fetching pink uniform and has promised to bring a really classy sparkle to all proceedings at the Bramangath house.

This will be particularly the case on Tuesday nights when the Duchess "duh 'ave 'er mates roun' fer wunna they posh Canasta, fags an' brown ale parties!"

The Roundup will return to embellish this 'coup' story with further details as they emerge.

ECOHOMES – GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS!

The Roundup has been investigating the recent proposals for the construction of thousands of ecohomes in Cornwall, a place long plagued with a chronic shortage of housing.

One proposal foresees the building of over 5,000 homes in the St Austell area over a period from 2012 -2025. It is envisaged that some 40-50 percent will be what is described as “affordable”.

The company behind the proposal, Twiddle and Snatchit, (whose plush Paris headquarters are pictured left) were reluctant to disclose what this questionable term ‘affordable’ meant.

When the Roundup, for the fortieth time and using thumbscrews for good measure, pressed their spokesman for a reportable response, he eventually confessed that it would mean that it would be affordable to a hard-working family, provided that both parents were doctors of consultant status.

The 50% to 60% of new homes not designated as “affordable” would apparently be beyond the economic reach of the above-described hard-working family, even with the two consultants working round the clock.

This frankly lunatic proposal takes no account of the immediate need such housing creates for a supportive infrastructure of health provision, education support, employment prospects and transport connections.

Fortunately this is not the only proposal. Trewern Builders Limited are targeting the local population with the offer of very affordable homes for locals in small developments near existing towns and hamlets with access to the necessary supporting infrastructure.

The homes will be available to rent, so says owner Madron Trewern for a weekly sum of only ‘Thirty bob a week”. Houses will also be available for sale at a cost of £4,500, with 120% mortgages available from Trewern Builders Limited.

These special houses will only be available to good folk of Cornish ‘extraction or inclination’, who work in Cornwall or who are looking for work in Cornwall and who are earning at or below the LOCAL average wage.

Mr Trewern, a respected Relubbus businessman of considerable personal wealth, is believed to be making this offer to encourage other wealthy Cornish names to provide similar support to the people of the land.

The environmental credentials of these houses are impeccably high. They draw all power and heat from the soil, the sun and the wind. Their water is from the rain and is recycled. All waste can be is recycled.

It has now come to our attention that the Duke and Duchess of Cornwall, who have recently been shamed by the exposure of their huge environmental footprint, have decided to sell up all their other housing and to move to an ordinary Trewern home in Camborne. The Duke and Duchess are also said to be realising almost their entire wealth and putting the cash into the Trewern scheme to provide affordable homes for Cornish people.

With the hand-wringing so typical of the Duke, he recently confessed to our reporter ("over a mug of tea, just like working people!") that he hoped that this action would restore his standing with the good people of Cornwall, whose support he intended henceforth to earn.

It is understood that the Duke will be taking up a job as a janitor and groundsman at a local school, whilst his wife, the Duchess will be delivering ‘Meals on Wheels’.

POLGLAZE ON CLIMATE, CHARLES AND CORNWALL

The eminent scientist, environmentalist, amateur fireman and President of the Relubbus Institute for Earth Sciences, Professor Madron Polglaze (121), has requested space in the august columns of the Roundup to pass comment on the recent speech by His Eariness the Duke of Cornwall on action to combat climate change.

The Roundup is honoured to make space available to this aged, but esteemed and venerable Relubbus academic (pictured here 60 years ago on his honeymoon in Finland with his civil partner – Professor Polglaze is the one with the speaking trumpet).

Whispering softly, but with passion, through his speaking trumpet, the great man said:

“Charles of Cornwall has made a statement to the effect that the Earth has only 96 more months in which to take effective action to combat Climate Change.

"You may well be asking “Just how does he know? Why is it not 95, 97 or 197?

"The answer is very easy. This man who would be king not only talks to plants, he also talks to little green men.

"These are strange little aliens (pictured left) with fanciful names like Porritt (Hobbit?) and Juniper.

"Many believe that, because of their spontaneous spitefulness, they are related to piskies, although they are clearly distinguished from true piskey folk by what psychiatrists have termed “the saviour complex”.

"These poor sad smug deluded ones have long believed that they alone have Flash Gordon solutions to save the Earth.

"Accessing universally available data on climate change and other environmental perils (data which is only contested by the severely mentally challenged, such as Clarkson), they have divined that they alone have the solutions.

"Such solutions involve other people doing exactly what they feel like telling them to do. However, if you are a saviour you need to be able to get your message across, and so they look for a means of transmission.

"With this aim in view, they then espy him - the man always desperately looking for a mission – the man with a life on his hands, looking for something to do, the man who wrings those hands and grins apologetically from one elephantine ear to the other for being there, the man looking for a purpose.

"Curiously, he is also the man who will do what ‘they’ tell him – as he has always been surrounded by those who tell him what to do and say. However, he is also the man whose titles make certain other recognition-thirsty folk listen. So how effective a person can he be in calling on others to make drastic change?

"Unlike most people on the Earth, Duke Charles is surrounded by many obvious signs of profligate opulence. He has, for instance, not one, not two, not three, but FOUR residences – all fit for a prince: Clarence House in London, Highgrove in Gloucestershire, Birkhall in Scotland and Llwynywermod in Wales.

"(His Dukeship can be seen in the attached photo uncharacteristically smoking a Havana cigar, whilst inspecting his new property acquisition with “one’s latest squeeze”).

"He is a travelling man with a fleet of vehicles, a world-beating air miles collection and a host of followers. He is a man with many servants and even more lackeys (defined as people, almost always folk of economic substance, who have somehow climbed the greasy pole whilst elbowing others off, folk who choose to defer and demean themselves in his presence in the hope of mere approval.)

"However, if you examine his direct (and indirect) environmental footprint, it is greater than that of almost any other person on this planet!

"Of course, the fawning, deluded little alien lackey boys ignore this fact completely.

"So how can this poor man redeem himself? Firstly, he should leave the matter of climate change and solutions to the United Nations. Global problems demand global solutions and, for the first time, we have a man in the White House who can deliver commitment on international agreements.

"Secondly – and remember we are speaking of redemption here – he should remember his wife’s title – Duchess of Cornwall. He should also remember that the only public place in which he and she first got a real welcome was in Cornwall – on the Isles of Scilly. He should recall his own title – Duke of Cornwall – and he should put his weight behind the recognition of Cornwall’s special claims, its nationhood, by campaigning for it to be granted the self-government it deserves, no less than its cousin nations of Wales and Scotland.”

121 is a good age. However, it is still sad for us to report that, after making this heartfelt plea, Professor Polglaze expired his last.

DO YOU KNOW THIS MYSTERY WOMAN???

People all over West Cornwall have been encountering a mystery woman, pictured below, who stops them, and asks "How do you do?" and "What do you do?" in an affected way, which suggests she believes that the innocent accostee knows who she is, which they never do.

She has been spotted in Morrison's, in the KWOP and at Lidl's in Penzance. She has also been seen loitering with intent outside the flagship RC Oates Supestore in Relubbus.

Some suspect that she is trying to emulate the celebrity of Lily Nichols, the ex-bag lady from Perranuthnoe, who is widely admired in Cornwall for having conned large sections of the gullible English media into believing that she is an aristocrat, namely the wife of the so-called Duck of Cornwall.

Lily's impersonations are particularly effective when she is accompanied by her friend from the home with his impressive set of false ears.

Maybe the mystery lady is after the same acclaim as Lily, to whom she bears a strong resemblance, except in the matter of body odour, where she has way to go to match Lily's virulent pungency.

Quite apart from her strong physical similarity to Lily Nichols, she also resembles her in that she likes a good roll-up, and has been seen popping into various stores to top up her supplies of Old Shag and cigarette papers. She then starts badgering people for a light, saying things like, "I simply must smoke it here, Big Ears doesn't like it when I smoke at home!"

The mystery lady also like to take a drink or two, or three....

Issue 13, 8th October 2007

PRESS SCANDAL AS LUDGVAN MAN DIES OF SHOCK AFTER LOTTERY WIN

The whole of Ludgvan was plunged into mourning when it was revealed that 77-year-old Charlie Jacka had passed away with shock at discovering that he had scooped £9,000,000 on the Relubbus National Lottery.

Charlie's mates, Tim Blewett (67) on the left and Dickie Angwin (71) on the right, had called in the Roundup photographers to capture the moment, which should have been one of the happiest in Charlie’s life. Charlie, an agricultural labourer, had been telling everyone for years that he was due a big win. "I probberly paid in about £700 ovver the years and I can feel, in my bones, a big win comin' my way!"

Tim had checked Charlie’s ticket for him, as he did every week in view of Charlie’s extremely delicate heart condition. He saw that Charlie had hit the jackpot with his favourite numbers (1,2,3,4,5,6) and thought that the moment of revelation should be captured on camera for the Roundup. According to the little-read Relubbus Gazette (a shabby publication of no merit somehow mysteriously chosen by the Lottery for publication of winning numbers and payouts) Charlie’s numbers had come up and he was due the sum of £9,000,000.

As our picture reveals, Charlie’s heart gave out at the moment he heard the incredible news. Both Tim and Dickie were beside themselves with grief. Since Charlie had no family whatever and they were his best friends, they overcame their grief sufficiently to immediately scramble to the telephone to find out who would get the money.

It was then that the sad, but in our view wholly plausible, matter of the Relubbus Gazette misprint came to light. Winnings that week were, in fact, only £900 and not £9,000,000. Agnes Trevorrow, the scatty editor of that travesty of a newspaper, the Relubbus Gazette, had to admit that "we bin ‘avin problems with the zero button recently and it duh git stuck. You kent check everythin’!"

The £900 were later claimed by Liza Tonkin (48), self-styled "male agitation relief practitioner", who presented IOUs to the value of £1,570 given to her by Charlie. "Ee was poor, but 'ee was a proper gennlemun an sum ansum too! "

Readers are invited to encourage friends and family to spread this story abroad so that unfortunate readers of the Gazette may take note and switch their allegiance to the Roundup, a magazine of the highest probity and journalistic standards.
LEN AND LILY AT IT AGAIN!
Bert ("Len") Harvey, the "resting" actor from Towednack, and his partner-in-crime Lily Nichols, the ex bag-lady from Perranuthnoe, have been at it again! Pictured here at a Highland Games in Fort William, it seems that their deception of the Scottish press has been as successful as that of the English. It is amazing to the Roundup that to date apparently no-one outside Kernow has seen through their act as the bogus aristocrats the "Duke and Duchess of Cornwall".

Always supportive of local talent that succeeds on a wider stage, the Roundup congratulates them on their consummate professionalism. Notice how Len conveys perfectly the picture of hereditary torpidity and incipient, drink-fuelled, gout, while Lily smiles in silent admiration.


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INTERNATIONAL BANK HQ RELOCATES TO RELUBBUS
The Midland banking empire has relocated its international headquarters from Shanghai to a prestige site in Boswedden Lane, Relubbus. Following a year-long architectural competition to which leading architects from every continent submitted designs, the eventual winner was a 1930s "retro"-style design by local Relubbus architect William Spargo Jnr. Announcing the decision, chairman of the judges Councillor Billy Spargo said: "Us all thought this 'un wuz a proper job."

The huge new building, shown left, took two years to build, using local granite and imported Italian white marble.

The vastness of the interior is hinted at in the picture on the right, which shows one part of the ground floor banking hall.

Speaking at the opening of the new international headquarters, Midland CEO Sir Basil Bin Laden-Ramprakash said:
"We were in no doubt we had to come to Relubbus. It is simply the place to be these days. Nowhere else in the world has such a dynamic, expanding economy, combined with a cheap and plentiful labour supply with no union representation.

Although the price of land here is higher than in Manhattan, it has to be worth it. The Relubbus mega-capitalists R.C. Oates and W.G. Trevaskis have shown what is possible here."
X FACTOR X A KNOCKOUT SUCCESS!
By our Arts Correspondent

The Relubbus Panopticon Theatre at the end of Boswedden Lane is once again the setting for the enormously popular X Factor X, brainchild of the mega-multi-billionnaire Relubbus impressario (and only part-time chiropodist), Columbus Clemo, pictured left, for whose job Simon Cowell was an unsuccessful candidate.

For anyone unfamiliar (how could they be!) with the order of play, X Factor X is a process to find the top West Penwith entertainment act of the year. The event runs from the beginning of the autumn right up until Christmas and features -- every night -- different acts from all over the region, vying with one another to be elected winners of this prestigious competition. The Panopticon theatre is packed out to its full capacity of 11 people every night, each of whom gets to cast their vote for the night’s winner. There is also a winner of the week, of the month, and so on, until at Christmas the agony for the finalists is ended with the selection of the winner and the award of fabulous prizes.

Last year’s winner, Willy Curnow (37), found his life transformed by "the big win". Willy stormed through the whole contest to universal acclaim with his farting ventriloquists’s dummy, "Windy" (4), who had crowds falling off their seats with uncontrollable spasms of laughter. The devilishly clever dialogue [ "Ave you jes’ farted again?" "Course, I bleddy ‘ave, d’you think I duh always smell like gis?"] and the fact that you could hardly see his lips move at all, even when he was speaking, all added to the magical mix that made Curnow outright winner and darling of the audience.

Before the win, Curnow was just a milkman for the Kwop. After "the big win", he received: a week’s free travel on any Western National bus passing between Relubbus and Penzance; a record contract with Marshal James Records of Penzance (entitling him to one free record -- of Watling Jones singing "How great is the Lord!"); free groceries for a day at R. C. Oates' Superstore in Relubbus (up to a value of £4.35); one half-price Jelberts' ice cream; one free "go" on the mini-golf on Penzance Prom (before 7.30 am and on a Monday, or at anytime when it is raining). Showered with these life-changing gifts, Willy did not know where to turn. He has yet to "cash in" his gifts and, being a modest man, has kept on his job at the Kwop. "I aren’t gunna let fame go to my ‘ead", he declared defiantly.

This year’s competitors are spurred on by the sight of Willy’s stunning success and the lavish gifts he has received. They are now re-doubling their furious efforts to win the coveted X Factor X prize.

This year’s hopefuls include an unbelievable crop of West Cornish talent with 7,500 entries, including 112 from Tremethick Cross alone. The Roundup’s entertainment spotter, Daisy Penalverne, has been checking out all the talent and now presents for our readership the hot favourites for X Factor X in 2007.

"Smeggie" Trevarthen (52) is a meter reader for the South Western Electricity Board (SWEB) but he is hoping to hit it big time as a comic on the West Cornish stand-up circuit and in X Factor X. A somewhat ponderous man, ill-at-ease with his own frame, he shifts uncomfortably from foot to foot as he builds up to telling his joke (there is just the one at the moment). The silent build-up phase does create a tension -- both within the audience as well as within "Smeggie’s" trousers, as those standing near him can smell. Then the joke comes and there is always a furious outbreak of laughter, largely and predictably from Smeggie’s mother, Rebecca Trevarthen (86), who is on special release from her secure home for the confused whenever he gives a performance. His joke may well be lost on those unfamiliar with the pre-decimal age -- "What did the electricity meter say to the shilling? ‘Glad you popped in, Bob, I was just going out!’"

Jethro "Look no hands" Polwhele, (26) is a speciality act. He "lifts" things without using his hands. Decency prevents us from showing the full picture here, but Daisy assures us that Jethro is "lifting" one and a half kilos in this picture. Whilst this act is very popular with certain audience members (particularly Rebecca Trevarthen (86), Smeggie’s mum) it will clearly not lend itself to television and nor is it suitable for anyone under the age of 18. Jethro is, however, hopeful of winning the coveted prize and being able to give up the day job at Holman’s Dry Dock in Penzance.

"The Three Graces", the arse yodelling trio based in Tregeseal, near St Just, have a repertoire of 81 songs -- all played through the ‘rear mouth’, but distinctly recognisable. In the picture on the left --from the left, Gwenvor Tregear (31) from Sennen, and "Trombone " Trezise (45) from Madron are both currently ‘out of wind’, but as his cheeky picture reveals, Dougie Penrose (27) on the right and from Tregeseal in St Just, is blasting out "Camborne ‘Ill" in this very photograph. Some of their ‘arse songs’ are their own compositions and this evidence of their originality is reckoned to be their strongest trump in their play to win the coveted crown of X Factor X in 2007.

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Quentin Blodsmith, Harley Street Hypnotist will be in Relubbus for one week only!

Enigmatic mystery man,
Plucking mindstrings, as he can,
Soothes your troubles, calms your mind
As long as you a fiver find!

The toast of London's glitterati, the suave, masterly harpist of the sundry strings of the mind, has returned to his native Cornwall to practise his arts for one week only.

Always wearing a cunning disguise, he will never give out his real name, nor reveal anything about his origins, except that he grew up on Treneere Estate (NOT, he insists, in Colinsey Road!!) in Penzance.

What is undeniable is that, through the practice of his mysterious arts, he has enabled hundreds of clients to conquer their fears, to realise their innermost ambitions, to find peace for their troubled souls, to receive the grace and balm of his cooling, soothing charm -- and -- all this -- in just five minutes -- for a fiver.

Quentin Blodsmith (his professional name) will be practising all next week in Relubbus. So do not miss this opportunity! He will be setting up his tent in Farmer Penberthy’s lower field. It is a five-man tent, so that he can handle groups, if necessary.

His hypnotic arts have been found to be highly efficacious in an astounding range of ailments and afflictions. We mention here just a few conditions that he has successfully treated: hiccups; runny nose and sore throat; stomach pains; athlete’s foot; flatulence; unwanted pregnancy; breast enlargement or reduction; penis enlargement or super-enlargement; one-leggedness; senility; trans-gender problems; sleeplessness; short-sightedness; hearing difficulties; and giving up smoking.

For five minutes that can change your life, all you need pay is £5 -- cash only!

You know it makes sense!!
SCIENCE NEWS
Professor D B Penhaligon unveils the "future of humanity" in results of Genetic Project
Rumours of a forthcoming shock announcement drew the entire Relubbus press corps to the weekly press conference at the internationally renowned Relubbus Institute of Genetic Research and Proper Job Science.

Soft muttering punctuated the hushed silence which pervaded the back room of the Boskenna Arms hotel, while the five members of the press pack awaited the arrival of the highly controversial but brilliant Professor Penhaligon.

Then a door opened and the Professor entered the room, carrying a small figure with him, which, with delicate gentility, he placed upon a table before us. "Behold, gentlemen of the press, I give you Loveday -- the future of humanity. "Our planet is dying because of the activities of mankind. Man has caused the huge increase in greenhouse gases, which have disturbed the balance on which all life depends. Every single activity of our rapidly multiplying population leads to yet further growth in the output of greenhouse gases. "Only radical solutions can help us, but the flabby politicians of our world are too timorous to advance proposals which will assuredly put an end to the pent-up horrors of climate change. "I can now present to you the only solution -- Loveday. She is created from environmentally-friendly materials. She does not eat and does not excrete or create smells. She is, I am sure you will agree, comely and pleasing to the eye.

"I have transferred to her all the knowledge I have accumulated and she contains living organisms, which will enable her to develop her own experiences and to have instant recall of them. She will not expire for at least five hundred years and she will be capable of reproducing herself.

"She has little or no negative environmental impact -- does not need a house, a car, a plane trip, or any of the other things we seem to need that are so damaging to our planet. It is my proposal that the consciousness of every human should be transferred to a being like Loveday. I will now take your questions."
The stunned audience took a while to recover from this series of shattering announcements. All the while, all eyes were fixed upon the little figure standing on the table, still supported by Professor Penhaligon’s hand.

A voice called out, "Can’t she stand up by herself?" Clearly rattled by this implicit criticism, Penhaligon replied that there was still a little work to be done on Loveday’s motive powers.

The next question followed "Can’t she speak for herself, then?" Now obviously exasperated by such obsession with details, Penhaligon rounded angrily on the questioner, "You try making vocal chords out of cobwebs and see how far you get, you smug git!"

An embarassed silence fell upon the people in the room and eyes stared yet harder at the little figure on the table, whose only movement -- a waving hand -- seemed to be caused by Professor Penhaligon’s own hand, agitating the little straw-filled arm.

One question hung in the room along with the silence and it took only a few moments before one brave man plucked that question out of the air and gave it voice. "If she can’t talk yet, how do you know that she knows all that you say that she does?"

Penhaligon stood there, visibly weighed down by the awful loneliness of true greatness, striving to find some way of bridging the huge gulf that lay between his own boundless insight and the questioner’s shallow perceptions. Absent-mindedly, he twitched Loveday’s arm to and fro in a growing frenzy until the little arm came away in his hand and the little straw-filled body toppled over on to the floor, spilling its contents. "Now look what you’ve made me do! I’ll have to start all over again now!"

As he set about gathering up the pieces of his dream that was Loveday, totally absorbed, the press pack silently withdrew.
THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE GREEK EMBASSY
The Roundup was delighted to receive an invitation to visit the Greek Embassy in Relubbus as guests of His Excellency Aristo Hippodopoulos (32) and his two charming sisters Cynthia (29, on the left) and Bill (28, on the right).

The three of them run the extremely busy Greek Embassy which, for reasons of economy, is housed in the back rooms of the Mecca Bingo Hall situated in Trelissick Lane, Relubbus.

Aristo was a garage mechanic before taking up diplomacy as a career and, whilst he has no regrets about his significant career change, enjoys spending his spare time helping out at Trelawney’s Garage in Hayle. His sisters are both hairdressers by training, Cynthia specialising in women’s coiffure and Bill focussing on haircuts for men and for women wishing to look like men.

The Relubbus Greek embassy has a particular focus on developing economic ties between the Greek Republic and Greater Relubbus. As Aristo succinctly puts it, "Greece is fine land of olives, wine, halloumi cheese -- all are things which blend it well with fine Cornish cream, saffron cake and pasties. Importantly, Greece is seen as the cradle of civilisation, but many know that this dates from times when ancient seafarers visited Cassiterides (Relubbus) and when they make great cultural borrowings from ancient Relubbus.
"Aristophanes’ plays are all translations from works of great Relubbus playwright, An Scryfer, who wrote delectable pieces of cleverly scripted humour.
"Little known also is that Sappho first learnt her poetry and advanced lesbianism from Joyce, a Cornish practitioner of both arts in second century BC. So our aim is not so much in forging new links between our two great states, but in renewing the most ancient links between our peoples."

We understand that negotiations between the Relubbus mega-capitalist, R.C. Oates, and the Greek state are well advanced in the proposal to open an Oates Superstore in downtown Athens. Female staff from Lesbos, all well-versed in Aristophanean humour, will sell Cornish and Greek ditties, fine foods and farm produce.

Two tables and four chairs will also allow the opportunity of providing a café for customers to rest and watch the world go by. Bill will, in fact, be the first manageress of the store and is here in Relubbus to "soak up" the culture so that she can be an effective advocate of it back in Athens.
Lonely Hearts -- they need love too!

They yearn for someone - just like you.
If your heart’s desire is here today
Then write in fast -- without delay!

Sid Trevithick (46) lives in his own caravan, currently parked in St Buryan. Sid is an agricultural specialist, who makes a good living by "stimulating" reluctant male farm animals to do their bit in breeding. As his work takes him all over Cornwall, he finds living in a caravan most practical. Sadly, it also means that he is never in any place long enough to form a relationship with a young lady. The years are ticking by and he doesn’t want to forego the pleasures of fatherhood. He can offer a well-appointed caravan with its own chemical toilet, wash handbasin and one large picture window.

Sid is a member of the extreme Methodist fundamentalist group -- the Gwennap Golems (hence the haircut). He is opposed to drinking, dancing, gambling and other "work of the devil". His wife must be chaste, definitely of the Golem persuasion and have taken the oath of perpetual silence. As Sid is illiterate, his wife must be good with signing, so that she can talk to him, when he wants her to. Box 4932 is the key to a life of love with this special man.

Rowena Pascoe (36) will be well-known to patrons of the Goldsithney Health Club (Men Only) under her professional name of Miss Zdenka Kazymish, but she advertises here under her real name. Having worked for many years helping men with erectile dysfunction, using a unique therapy developed by herself and now known throughout Goldsithney as the "Bunsen Burner Special", Rowena wishes to have a special relationship with a man that operates on the spiritual, intellectual, as well as the merely physical plane. Suitors will need to be broad-minded as she wishes to continue in her chosen career.

Rowena assures one and all that she is completely broadminded. She is keen on social engagement and is this year’s chair of the Marazion branch of the nude bee-keeping club. Honest to the core, she believes that all suitors should also know that until the age of 21 she lived as a man, Ronald Pascoe. Post-operatively, she left Helston to seek a fresh start in Goldsithney. Box 5671



Rumah Aribanga (32) is a disappointed man. Lured to the busy downtown business district of Relubbus by an advert placed by Tredinnick and Leddinnick Human Resources for an experienced headhunter, he made the long journey from Borneo to discover that, sadly, headhunting has a different meaning here. He is now working as a ladies’ hairdresser in Newlyn and trying to earn enough money for the return journey, though his first wages will be spent on acquiring some Western clothes.

During his stay in this country, Rumah would like to meet -- and move in with -- a Cornishwoman. Age and looks are immaterial to Rumah. His desired lady partner should have a house of her own, as he is quite keen to move in. He is currently living at the Newlyn Bridge bus stop. Box 4922 is the one for ladies who would like Rumah to become part of their lives.





Violet Trembath (62) is a cowherd from St Agnes. She has spent all her spare time during her working life building up a now failed cheese business. "Stench", an unpasteurised cheese, was sadly an acquired taste that no-one acquired. The whiff of the strong smelling cheese was greatly enhanced by her own personal hygiene practices and further assisted by her wrapping her cheeses in socks she had worn for several weeks at a time. The cheese didn’t catch on and -- game girl that she is -- Violet is now looking for a man. "I’ve done workin 24/7 and now I’m lookin’ for a man for a bitta play in my later years!" Box 2457



Pascoe Penhaligon (PP) (32) is a Public Convenience Maintenance Specialist by day (working mainly in the Penzance area) and a practising masochist by night. Educated to GCSE level (Media Studies -- failed, but only just), he has turned his back on the academic world and is single-mindedly focussed on his career.

PP came third in the Zennor all-comers speed pasty-eating competition in 2002 and is a keen follower of Penzance Magpies, for whose third team he has been trialling for the past fourteen years. He has "watched" ladies all his life and now would like to get closer to one. Living in a beach hut in Sennen, he would prefer his lady love to come from there so that he doesn’t have to catch the bus. Box 4529

YOUR STARS

with Breton mystic Maurice Labalge

He’s the mystic they all think terrific

Because his predictions are completely specific!

I do have to explain my long absence, which has been occasioned by an entirely unforeseen accident involving myself, a car, a ladder, a young lady friend, a vacuum cleaner, surgical gloves, a bottle of baby oil and a goat. I can offer no more detailed explanation than this, other than that the goat is now eating normally and is not believed to be psychologically damaged, the young lady has left me and I won’t be doing that again. My predictions are, as ever, shit hot. Readers, stay with me!

Aries This month signifies great change. Those of you married to a person called Doris will be plunged into despair over the size of her nose. But do not despair, gay love beckons! You will find this to your taste. All others under this sign will, within 3 months, receive a Birmingham hip resurfacing operation, which will put a new skip into your step.

Taurus You did not do as well as expected in your GCSEs. That C in Media Studies was a bit of a blow. But do not despair, I see opportunities for you to sell yourself on the streets and make big money.

Gemini Your mother is either dead, or soon about to be. Do not cry. She has had a good life and also had a lover you knew nothing about, who brought her great joy. Do not forget that your television licence is about to expire!

Cancer You know that something is missing from your life, but you cannot identify the missing factor. I can tell you that you will find great fulfilment from cross dressing, horse riding, or Sudoku. There are millions under this sign. I cannot give YOU the exact prescription, but one of these three things is the key to unlock the next stage of your life.

Leo You are unhappy. There we are! Homosexuality is not for everyone. There are other things in life, so get over it! In 200 years, you will be dead and not remembered even by an ant crawling over the ground in front of you. Avoid ladders!

Virgo Remove the stolen underwear from your drawer or you will be discovered and bring great shame on yourself. Better still, return it to its owner, Mrs Hollis of 21 Angwin Close, Penalverne Estate and tell her that you simply found it amongst the carrots at Tesco’s. She might leave her husband for you.

Libra Go to Penzance Library next Tuesday morning and look out for a woman wearing a pink dress and sporting what appear to be knickers on her head. This woman is your soulmate -- even if you yourself are a woman. Declare your love for her, explaining that your name is Leslie. The stars predict a lifetime of happiness for those united in this way.

Scorpio Tregenza’s in Penzance employ a number of people. One of these is a young woman, whose name is Shirley Behenna. She went to school, with a boy called Tom, who had a pet mouse called "Wilfie". Wilfie got eaten by a cat 14 years ago. That cat is still alive. It is the spiritual essence of Henry VIII. You must form a relationship with that cat -- sexual if possible (but not essential, there might be a queue of you under this sign waiting) and you will be led into a state of revelation, which will benefit you greatly.

Sagittarius You have spent your life adoring Billy Spargo, the great Relubbus politician, who is now shacked up with Mrs Sarkozy. You are distraught -- naturally. However, I can tell you that great things await you with someone else. However, this will not occur for another 50 years. This is probably bad news if you are over 30, but we can’t have all the luck! If you are under 30, spend the next 50 years going around with a big smile on your face!
Capricorn Little is forecast for this sign for the next two years. You are treading water -- filling in time. Do not worry -- if life was always at a high, how would you know how high you were? So you wait and, in three years time, you will receive a huge lottery win (even if you do not play!). Also, you will then mature sexually and enjoy life! You will have a fantastic job (probably in Spiegelhalter’s in Causewayhead, Penzance) and at least 12 children.

Aquarius Your husband, Derrick, has been depressed over the past month and this has been getting you down. He has lost his job at Holman’s and seems sunk in a trough of despair. Well, now the time has come to ditch him! He is a loser! Find a new husband now or fill in time by becoming a prostitute or by working at Morrison’s. One of these routes will lead you to your new man (even if you are a man!).

Pisces You know it and I know it! The front bedroom needs to be re-painted and putting it off is no satisfactory answer. You also need to change the oil in the car (even if you do not have one!). Linda, your wife, has been out of sorts recently and you need to cheer her up. Take her out! Go to the Ritz Bingo and then take her off to Harold Jewel’s fish and chip shop. After that, call in at the Swordfish and I will give you more advice personally. Nothing is too difficult to deal with!

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• EXCLUSIVE: RELUBBUS TO JOIN NUCLEAR CLUB

• RELUBBUS HAS "PASTY BOMB"

• CELEBRITY NEWS: Spotlight on Richard Head -- the man even other designers like to talk about!

• RELUBBUS BALLET PROPER -- ANOTHER SUCCESS!

• SUDDEN DEATH OF RENOWNED RELUBBUS SCIENTIST

• THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE AUSTRALIAN EMBASSY

• Our socially-responsible LONELY HEARTS section

• YOUR STARS, with Breton mystic Maurice LaBalge
  

• And much, much more!

Issue 8, 30th July 2007

SPARGO SAYS PAKISTAN EMBASSY "TOO BIG"
by our Diplomatic Correspondent Rendall Janner

Outspoken Councillor Billy Spargo has caused ripples within the Relubbus diplomatic community by stating that the Pakistani Embassy in Relubbus is too large and calling for the number of diplomats (believed to number around 1,000) to be greatly reduced.

The picture on the left shows the gates of the Pakistani Embassy compound in Boswedden Lane. Apparently a "garden party" is in progress, and many hundreds of people (if not over a thousand) can be seen having a good time.

Mrs Edith Tregarthen (67), who lives next door at No.8, said "They are nice people, but before it was an embassy there was only Mr and Mrs Liddicoat living there with their dog, and it was cramped then. Now I don’t know how many they got crammed in there but it can’t be right!"

Spargo, the "voice of the people", agrees and has asked for the number of staff at the Embassy to be cut down to 10 at most. Controversially, he has also asked for the three mosques that have been built in the compound to be removed. Extremist Methodist groups have been threatening to "take out" the mosques and Spargo’s requests for staff reductions and the removal of the mosques is seen as an attempt to lower the temperature amongst the more dangerously militant Methodist groupings.

Firebrand Reverend Ezekiel Polkinghorne from Tremethick Cross, known to be a leader of one of the more recklessly dangerous Methodist groupings -- the "Bible Bashers" -- has greeted Spargo’s words with grudging tight-lipped approval, stating merely "It’s a proper job", when asked for his opinion by one of our Reporters.
EXCLUSIVE: identity of royal conman revealed!
by Society Correspondent Rendall Janner

As previously revealed by the the Roundup, "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall" is actually Lily Nichols, an ex bag-lady from Perranuthnoe, who has succeeded in convincing large sections of the English media that she is an aristocrat.

What has not been known, up to now, is the identity of her con-man partner, who claims to be the "Duke of Cornwall". The pair are shown left, at a charity ball in aid of homeless inebriates. We are assured that tickets for this function cost upwards of £700, and that (in tribute to the supposed beneficiaries of the event) the wine flowed freely, as evidenced by the "Duke"'s rosy nose! We understand that the organizers were so keen to have "royalty" present that they guaranteed Lily a 20% off-the-top rake off. (It's always good to see a local girl better herself. Ed)

The Roundup can now reveal that the "Duke" is actually Bert ("Len") Harvey from Towednack. Len attended the Humphry Davy Grammar School in Penzance, where he came to notice playing upper class twits in school drama productions. After school, Len furthered his acting career by joining the Cripples Ease' Players. His Bertie Wooster in the Cripples' 1964 production of P.G. Wodehouse's Joy in the Morning is still spoken of with awe by those fortunate enough to have witnessed it. Rarely can gormless vacuity have been portrayed so convincingly! The shuffling gait, the vacant grin, the strange, strangulated accent, the awkward hands and feet -- all were perfection. It is easy to see how Len's "Charles" became the perfect foil for Lily's "Camilla".

Len has Show Biz in his blood. He is a nephew of eccentric busker Dickie "Banjo" Trevains (shown left), who entertained generations of commuters at Penzance Railway station by singing, in his falsetto voice, the one song in his repertoire, the Spice Girls’ favourite, "Two become one".

Rest assured that the Roundup will bring you more news of Len and Lily's exploits as we get it.

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Mousehole Girls do us proud!
by Arts Correspondent Rendall Janner

Appearing in the hit musical, South Pacific, being staged at Tremethick Cross, are the following 6 local beauties -- all from the Mousehole vicinity.

From the left can be seen Prudence Pengilly (19) from Tregidden, Patience Daniel (21) from Noongallas, Cordelia Uren (20) from Tredenneck, Hester Lawry (18) from Penhorven, Ethel Nicholls (22) from Tregonwell and Ursula Barnicoat (21) from Rosemorran.

Although they are pictured here fully clothed, the production calls for the girls to perform their song and dance routines in the nude. Initially reluctant to do so, they have overcome their inhibitions for the sake of their art (and for the sake of the additional £5 per head donated by the show’s sponsor, Mr Quentin Bolitho).

This unusual feature of the production has caused it to be packed out night after night, playing to a capacity audience of 5 ever since it opened two days ago.

The musical’s controversial director, ex-Reverend Job Morris, commented "Artistes must be prepared to make small sacrifices for their art and I am pleased to be able to personally confirm that each of the girls has made that sacrifice."

Tickets for the production (at £1.50 each) are available from Friggens dairy and the Alexandra Road Tuck Shop in Penzance, from the Kwop in Newlyn, and from RC Oats’ Superstore in Relubbus.
PC Trembath in trouble again
by Crime Correspondent Rendall Janner

PC "Strikey" Trembath has been in trouble yet again. Although his methods do not always conform to PACE guidelines, they are, he says, always successful.

"I get they buggers and keep bashin’ ‘em till they duh confess!", he said.

Pictured here on the left in happier times, PC Trembath has been accused of using unnecessary force to restrain a suspect.

"I seen this man with a smart car an’ I thought I’ll take ‘ee down a peg or two!"

Trembath approached the man, hit him,and, when the man tried to defend himself, screamed at him "Got you now, you bastard, for attacking a police officer!"

The suspect subjected to this unusual form of questioning was a holidaymaker, who was subsequently released after his claim to be the Chief Constable of West Yorkshire Constabulary turned out to be correct.
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UP CHAPEL
By our Religious Affairs Correspondent Ayatollah Osama Bin Trezidder

Another big turnout was registered for Archilaus Boswedden’s popular evening service at Kenidjack Lane Methodist Chapel.

Once again Archilaus (79) delivered his message in song, taking the trinity as his theme and modifying the Spice Girl’s song Two become One as the prime medium of delivery.

He was accompanied by his sister, Faith, on the banjo and bravely battled with his stammer to give an evening of unparalleled entertainment for four hours.

The battery of sound even succeeded in masking Archilaus’ unfortunate wind problem, although it could do nothing to reduce the impact of his body odour.

The evening was rounded off with a pasty supper, which was attended by the entire congregation of 14.
DOWN PENDRAWARTHA'S
By our Senior Citizen Correspondent Rendall Janner

The atmosphere at Pendrewartha’s Home for the Elderly was enlivened last week by a visit from doughty old amateur impressionist and mime artist, Jehosophat (Joe) Curnow of Praze-an-Beeble, pictured here on the left.

Joe, 85, did his famous routine "Guess ‘oo this is!", giving lively impressions of many folk now long dead -- to the clear delight of the least confused members of his audience. One inmate, Elspeth Kelynack, said "I duh nearly wet myself when ‘ee duh do they voices -- is jes like they people was ‘ere in the room! Course, they’re all passed away now..."

Joe surprised his audience with an unexpected new talent at the end of his performance, when he tried to do his "Chippendale routine". Joe’s performance was sadly interrupted when his colostomy bag ruptured and he had to be rushed to hospital.
OVER ‘ARRY’S
By Crime Correspondent Rendall Janner

‘Arry’s famous Port and Starboard fish and chip shop at Gurnard’s Head was the scene of some considerable disturbance over the past week, as the establishment has been picketed by ‘Arry’s common-law wife, Bessie Peninula (35), after a disagreement about Bessie’s steadfast refusal to wash.

Accompanied by a local vagrant, Ernie Trewerne (39), and also by her flatulent pet Rottweiler, "Scrapper", Bessie has been accosting every prospective fish and chip purchaser in an attempt to persuade them to take their custom elsewhere.

This "persuasion" has occasionally been too physically aggressive and police (PC Derek Borlase) were called to the scene on three separate occasions to rescue purchasers from the attentions of the desperate trio. One such victim, Ebenezer Clemo of Tregeagle Farm, had to be rushed to Treliske hospital after a good bashing, with Scrapper still firmly attached to his left calf. Victim and attacker were later separated in what Dr Robert Behenna (41) described "as a challenging operation".

Miss Peninula of Gweles Estate and Mr Trewerne of no fixed abode will appear before Relubbus magistrates next Monday.
IN SCHOOL
By Education Correspondent Rendall Janner

Cleared at last week’s magistrates’ court of "behaviour unbecoming a headmaster" and other related charges, James Bovenna (pictured below) led the school in a rousing performance of Cabaret, in which he took the part of Sally Bowles in a convincing role, despite the handicap of his weight (24 stone) and confinement to a wheelchair.

In the same production, precocious and surprisingly well-developed 12-year-old Zelda Pender managed to squeeze in four separate performances of her "dance of the seven veils", a routine that members of the Penzance Lodge of Freemasons will be well familiar with.

Trevor Bolitho, Chairman of Cornwall County Council’s Education Committee and a co-opted member of the Culture Committee of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) said that both Committees were not happy about the goings-on at the school and that Mr Bovenna was not "off the hook yet".

Zelda has undoubtedly brought much pleasure and many a happy smile to the Freemasons at Penzance. However, the Committee men are not happy about Mr Bovenna’s influence on some pupils at the school. Concern was greatest over his "Life skills" extra-curricular programme for senior girls, about which investigators have been able to discover very little.

Effusive Zelda (pictured left and unbelievably still only 12) is an ardent supporter of Mr Bovenna. "I aren’t very good at sums an’ writin’ an’ I was some thrilled when Sir said I ‘ad ‘idden talents, wot only needed to be brought on a bit -- so me an’ Susie Trewin stayed behind school for they special classes. I’s all done wonders fer me. I got one o’ they BWM cars now, which I can’t wait to learn to drive."

Mothers of both girls, who live next door to each other on the sprawling and infamous Carntreth Estate in Relubbus, are thrilled and totally supportive of Mr Bovenna. Said Mrs Pender, "I’m some glad that Zelda’s getting’ on at last. She duh ‘elp me out with fags now an again an you tell me ‘ow many other girls ’er age have got one o' they MBW cars?!"


ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!




SPARTACUS

starring KIRK DOUGLAS, LAURENCE OLIVIER, JEAN SIMMONS, and CHARLES LAUGHTON


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.







ROUNDUP VISITS INDIAN EMBASSY
by our Diplomatic Correspondent Rendall Janner

Continuing our journey amongst the huge diplomatic community in Relubbus, we had the pleasure of calling in at the Indian Embassy, which is in Boswedden Lane, on the opposite side of Mrs Tregarthen’s house to the Pakistani Embassy.

It is a great pleasure because, alone amongst all the 350 embassies in Relubbus, the Indian Embassy doubles up as a restaurant (curiously named "The Embassy") and takeaway, as well as a regular diplomatic establishment.

Pictured on the left is His Excellency Mr Thakurjeet Singh, his wife Preet, their two sons, Pavitar (with beard) and Lakhbir, and two daughters, Amrit (left) and Jasmindar.

The whole family is engaged in the restaurant business and it is going so well that they are thinking of opening up a Consulate (and takeaway) in Marazion.

Given the often frosty relations between Pakistan and India, Mr Singh diplomatically preferred not to comment on Councillor Spargo’s call for the Pakistani Embassy to be down-sized.

With many a side-to-side shake of the head, he stated "Ve are happy with GRUC decisions in all matters and are finding it absolutely tophole to be here in Relubbus. It is of inestimable value to India to have good relations vith Relubbus and ve are happy that Councillor Spargo is man ve can do business vith. Oh! Oh! Oh! Ve are also happy that many folk in Relubbus are people ve can do business vith. Takeaways are doing well, especially Saturdays and you can’t get in here then vithout booking!"

So, if you fancy a curry you can do no better than popping along to the Embassy!
POETRY CORNER
with Literary Correspondent Emily Bindweed

Many people have wondered from where the boy-prodigy poet, Philip Trudgeon, got his talent. The answer is quite clearly that it is his mother, Ariminta, who passed on the poetic gene to her lucky son.

Here, Ariminta, who is 28, publishes a poetic tour de force of her own, for the first time.

Ariminta is pictured on the left in a shot taken at the Helford passage, just after she has successfully landed a large fish.

Her moving piece is entitled Goin’ up Truro.




Goin' Up Truro

I dearly like to gwup Truro -- the shops there are some smart.
You got more choice than you got down ‘ere -- and they aren’t too busy neither.

I wen’ up there las’ week with Aggie Trewelah. You duh knaw she!
‘Er daughter was the one oo got pregnant at 13 by that butcher’s boy.

We ‘ad a nice cup tea in Marks, but you won’t bleeve wot appended nex’.
Aggie got her ‘eel caught in a gratin’ an’ it come off, so she ‘ad to buy emergency shoes.

Sum game that was! When we wuz goin roun’, we bumped into Kitty Polglaze, oo duh live at the end of the road.

She duh think she’s God’s gift, now er ‘usbant got a car with ‘is job. We shall never ‘ear the last ovun.

Well anyway, I never did manage to get the wool to match the cardigan I started las’ year fer Jimmy. The lady in the shop said she thought it wadden bein maneefactured no more.

So 4.30 pm, ‘ome again on the bus. Rainon all the way ‘ome. Never mind, is always nice to gwup Truro.
OO’s DEAD?
Our popular Obituaries section

Relubbus was suffused with grief last week by the wholly unexpected news that Miss Morwenna Pellow has sadly passed away.

Miss Pellow, plucked from our midst at the tender age of 94, will be sorely missed by the whole community. She is in the middle of the childhood picture on the left, between her two elder sisters, Zenobia and Loveday.

Derek Bolitho (84) and Clarence Penhaligon (78) were both "waiting on" Miss Pellow. However, this was all to no avail as the entire estate passes on to her two elder sisters, the Misses Pellow. Miss Pellow left £184,000.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• EXCLUSIVE: SPARGO AND MADAME SARKOZY IN SECRET LOVE TRYST! Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner tells all!

• EXCLUSIVE: US TO BECOME PART OF RELUBBUS! Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner with a scoop!

• DISTRAUGHT BEVERLEY: Social Affairs Correspondent Rendell Janner tells the moving story of one single mum's plight.
  

• My PROFESSOR'S A CHIMP! Arts Correspondent Rendell Janner reports on the furore at Relubbus Conservatoire.
  

• AMERICAN - CORNISH PHRASEBOOK: Linguistics Advisor Rendell Janner provides some helpful phrases.
  

• TREVASKIS TO LAUNCH HOSTILE TAKEOVER BID FOR TESCO: Business Correspondent Rendell Janner brings you the latest from the financial markets.

• A MAGICAL EVENING WITH MAHLER AND BOTHERAS: Music Correspondent Professor D. Behenna describes a virtuoso performance by the Relubbus Triangle and Kazoo quintet.
  

• Inside the Saudi Embassy in Relubbus: Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner visits the Saudi Arabian representative in Relubbus.
  

• Another edition of our socially-responsible "Lonely Hearts" column.
  

• And much, much more!