MAJOR INTERNATIONAL NEWS COLLABORATION ANNOUNCED

Relubbus Roundup teams up with the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt!

Although it is far smaller than Relubbus with (at the last count, in 2004) just 34,600 inhabitants, Liechtenstein has two excellent newspapers, one of which, with millions of readers, has been selected by the Roundup as its international partner. This lucky winner is the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt.

The two globally significant news organisations sent one representative each to a half way point (a roadside café in Hesperange in Luxembourg) to sign an historic agreement which will henceforth mean that Liechtenstein gets inside news about Relubbus and vice versa. The news of the signing has sent ripples around the media world and is said to have caused Rupert Murdoch to have sleepless nights.

Attending the signing for the Volksblatt is their Economics Editor, the very well-informed and deeply attractive Kornelia Pfeiffer.

Kornelia (27 and from Vaduz), pictured here on the left, has the equivalent of thirty two 'O' levels, including Typing and Geography. She is finely attuned to the vibrant throbbing rhythm which characterises the Liechtenstein economy.

Kornelia has long been fascinated by Cornwall and looks forward to an attachment to the Roundup at its premises in the Swordfish, Newlyn.

The Roundup's able representative at what will, in future Media Studies degrees, come to be known as the Hesperange Agreement, is none other than the grand-daughter of the Relubbus mega multi-billionnaire R.C. Oates, little Tamsin Oates. Party girl Tamsin left school (the prestigious and fabulously expensive Nancledra Ladies Academy, run by Miss Tregonning) at sixteen without any qualifications, but this has not held her back in her glittering career. Now 23, she runs the stationery and catering departments at the Roundup.

Curious readers can view the online version of the Volksblatt at www.volksblatt.li.

The link up will provide readers in both countries with many advantages. Two avid readers, Grace Hocking (37) and her friend Martha Lukies (45) from Gunwalloe, pictured here on holiday in Vaduz, Liechtenstein, welcomed news of the big media hook-up. "If you duh think ov'un, it'll be uh proper job. If I duh advertise Enty Mabel's old mangle fer sale in the Roundup, someone from why over to Liechtenstein might want to buy'un. It duh give we a bigger audience, dunna?"

Delighted Volksblatt reader Max Buechli declared, "Tja, wir freuen uns wahnsinning darüber. Relubbus und Vaduz gehören zusammen."

It is expected that the media link will lead to many other cross-cultural connections between Relubbus and Liechtenstein. The Relubbus Institute for Foreign Languages will be making great efforts to help bridge the language barrier. It is producing one of its famous four-way phrasebooks, a few snippets of which we present here. It tells you what you need to say...

Yn Gernow:

• Piw os'ta?
• Ass yw brav an gewer.
  
• Toemm yw hi.

In Cornwall:

• Oo aree?
• Proper weather, inna?
• Sum 'ot inna?

In England:

• Who are you?
• What fine weather!
• It is hot.

In Liechtenstein:

• Wer sind Sie?
• Was für schönes Wetter!
• Mir ist heiß.

People interested in travelling to Liechtenstein will be thrilled to hear that, from next Wednesday, the Western National Bus Service will be running half-hourly services from Penzance Railway Station, via Relubbus, to Vaduz in Liechtenstein. The competitively-priced service will cost £1 14s 4d for a single ticket and £2 9s 8d for a return.

CONTROVERSY OVER PLANS FOR MARAZION BEACH DEVELOPMENT

A firestorm of controversy has broken out over plans to develop the beach from Long Rock to Marazion and turn it into a Multifactional Communist Theme Park.

The idea is the brainchild of one Loopy Potts, a reckless hedge fund manager and all round arsehole from London with a second home in Portreath, who describes himself as "Your average dialectical materialism junkie, but perhaps with a greater leaning towards the Feuerbach than the Hegel".

An impassioned admirer of past Communist despots, he alighted on the idea of converting this Cornish beach into a Gulag, offering forced labour and re-education and other funtime activities round the clock for all ages. 

His idea would be to have a Marxist-Leninist section for those who prefer their communism unadulterated, as well as a specialist Maoist secton for those who prefer Chinese takeaways.

Bewildered Potts-watchers were amazed to hear of this latest plan, given the failure of his multi-million pound Stalinist holiday camp in Camborne. 

However, although Potts has lost pots of money, it seems that help is on the way from a most unlikely source.

A mystery Japanese backer (known only as a Mr Tojo) has offered to go 50/50 on the costs with Potts, if he will agree to balancing up left wing with right wing opinion by having a Sarah's Mad Hatter's section themed on the beliefs and following of his favourite hunting, shooting, fishing and knitting Nazi, Sarah Paling-into-insignificance.

Sarah has become something of a totem for the so-called Tea Party in the USA.  This is a mad collection of rabid right wing nutters and Christian fundamentalists, who share a common hatred of what might be termed 'the state', since, quite naturally, any responsible state would put them all into very secure homes.

The Tea Party takes its name from the chaotically anarchic practices, which characterised the Mad Hatter's Tea Party in Alice in Wonderland.

Sarah's popularity remains high amongst the rabid rightists of the Tea Party despite her unfortunately early descent into Alzheimerland.  Sadly the poor woman now has to write everything down on her hand, if she is to remember it.

However, Mr Tojo still has the hots for Sarah and the necessary yen for Potts and so, at this point, it looks as though the development might go forward.

The project has naturally caused controversy and this has attracted the attention of Synthetic Sylvia (so called because of the amount of plastic skilled Relubbus surgeons have employed to preserve her exterior), the amazing 154-year-old mother of the Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), Councillor Billy Spargo (124).

Mrs Spargo, shown here coming home from shopping at Morrisons is not at all happy about the proposed development and will be bringing her considerable influence to bear on the situation.

"I didden bleeve it when I 'eard bowt thissere plan fer ovver Long Rock!  I arn dappy, I kin tellee!  I used tuh tek Boy Billy ovver there tuh play all them years ago annit should be jessussame fer kiddies now!  We duh wunt nunnathey bleddy silly Commnist Theme Parks downere.  Annass fer that there Sarah Wassername, goin roun dunnup like sum fancy woman, we aren't avvin nunnathat 'ere. 'Spectable people rownere we are!"

Mrs Spargo told the Roundup that she would be having serious words with her son and that, if he didn't put an immediate stop to all this nonsense, he would not be allowed to go on the Sunday School Treat and would have to go to bed without any tea.