CHARACTERS AROUND RELUBBUS

JJ Jago

Tremethick Cross is the sort of place you could coast through quickly almost without noticing as you speed from the metropolitan grandeur of Penzance on the way to the infamous fleshpots of St Just, to the fine dining and quaffing offered by the landlady at Newbridge, or simply to the tense gambling haunts of Pendeen.

Yet to do so would be to miss one of the hidden jewels, one of the best-kept secrets of West Penwith.  For amongst the small cluster of habitations that make up this cosy hamlet is one lodged in by none other than the legendary Jimmy Jago.  

The colourful 'JJ', shown here on the right of the photo with three of his devoted acolytes, is a man of many parts, many of which almost fit.

 Many know "JJ" as the former St Erth Creamery worker, as the bar-room raconteur, as the purest lady-bait, as the Kernow-wide famous petard extraordinaire, as the passionate advocate of the rights of nude chess players, as the champion of the freedoms of those exploring inter-species relations between humankind and hedgehogs, but just how many also knew that JJ started out life as a woman?!

The Roundup can reveal, with JJ's permission, that for the first 28 years of his life JJ was, in fact, Jennifer Angwin (pictured).

The Three Plumbers

Opera has (or had) 'The Three Tenors' and Marazion has 'The Three Plumbers', who are, in fact, also three brothers.  They are Sidney (79), Clarence (81), and Hedley (83) Clemo.  The boys, who still live with their long-widowed mother, Temperance (109), in Goldsithney, all still work.

As Hedley says, "Maither tole we that we gotta work slongas she duh work.  She's still cookin' fer we an' she duh do eour washin' anall, so we boys gotta wait bit till we duh retire!"

The boys still attend the Sunday School at Marazion Methodist Chapel and the highlight of their year still remains the annual charabanc ride to Praa Sands for the Annual Sunday School Tea Treat.  Says Sidney, "Sum ansum ee is too, you duh git bottla pop and git saffern bun!  We duh forward to un, I kintellee."

Despite their professional pre-occupation with water systems, the trio are, when it comes to personal ablutions, ardent practitioners of water conservation.  All three roundly abjure the wastefulness of bathing and showering and instead prefer to 'freshen up' with just a light sprinkle of water on the face each week.  Clarence, enveloped in a carefully cultivated protective mist of miasmic whiff, proclaimed, "Jugga water duh last we a month, boy!"

ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE

The runaway comedy hit "I beg your pardon!" now showing at the Relubbus Panopticon at the end of fashionable Boswedden Lane has just entered its amazing 14th week.

However, the show has proved such a knockout success with the Cornish public of all ages that its run at the 10,000 seat theatre has been extended for a further two weeks.

People have been coming from as far as Helston, Falmouth and even Truro to view Pendeen-born Wesley B. Behenna's comedic masterpiece about the Nance family, whose life is set in Colinsey Road, Penzance.

The cast are, from the left, Mr Spinks, played by Horton Treloar (25), Mr Wakfer, played by Madron Tregenza (31), cheeky Mrs Spinks, played by Phoebe Polkinghorne (24) and Mrs Wakfer, played by Lamorna Trevorrow (19).

Mr Spinks is seen holding Brathky, the farting dog, who is central to much of the humour in this 5 hour play.

If you haven't seen it - or if you are one of those who wish to see it again and again, hurry to get your ticket now!  Single ticket £112.  Two person ticket £250.  Family ticket (admitting one person only) just £500.

OBITUARY

CAPITAINE ARISTIDE ABSINTHE KNEE-TREMBLAY
SOLDIER, EXPLORER, RACONTEUR, POET

Capitaine Aristide Absinthe Knee-Tremblay has died, at Tresoddit, his clifftop home in St Buryan, aged 116.

Knee-Tremblay was born in Bal-Trap, a tiny village to the south-west of Paris, on February 30th, 1838. In later years he always claimed to be the lovechild of Napoleon III, but local tradition insists that he was, in fact, the illegitimate son of the local priest and a particularly attractive but slatternly ewe named Genevieve.

As a young man, Knee-Tremblay acquired a reputation as a womaniser, duellist, and gambler. When challenged by the husbands and lovers of his conquests to "choose his weapon", he would invariably select the classical tarte à la crème, in the use of which he was an adept.

Knee-Tremblay published his first volume of verse, Premiers Oeuvres, at the tender age of thirty-eight. This juvenile work, though heavily influenced by Rimbaud and Baudelaire, was nonetheless warmly praised by Stéphane Mallarmé. In later years, Yeats described its influence on his own early work as "bollocks".

But it was in World War II that Knee-Tremblay came to the attention of the British. Following the fall of France, he rowed across the Channel in an open boat and joined De Gaulle's Free French forces in Accrington.

In 1944 Knee-Tremblay was seconded to the 1st Highland Foot and Mouth, in the capacity of French interpreter. It was his job to co-ordinate joint operations between the 1st Highland and the Maquis, after D Day. Unfortunately, Knee-Tremblay's grasp of Scots patois was not as great as his grasp of standard English, and he was apt to make mistakes. It was such a misunderstanding that led to the Maquis' courageous but ultimately doomed attack on the Tunnel of Love at the Lille funfair. Excusing the fiasco after the war, Knee-Tremblay was apt to say that, after all, it was only a sideshow.

After the war, Knee-Tremblay gave up soldiering to pursue his other great interest -- exploration. In five years he visited some of the most remote regions on earth, including the then largely unexplored Amazonian rainforest, central Mongolia, and West Penwith. In the latter region he is credited with being the first modern European to traverse the ancient coastal track from Lamorna to Porthgwarra. The public acclaim that greeted this achievement convinced the Frenchman that he should make his home in Cornwall.

In his later years Knee-Tremblay became a familiar figure in West Cornwall, where he was known affectionately as "that Froggie geezer".

Knee-Tremblay leaves a wife, Mathilde Clothilde, and a son, Absinthe Jnr.

BIG CAT-LOVER EXPOSED AS BIG-CAT LOVER!

The Carnyorth cultural establishment was rocked and shaken to its foundations yesterday by the publication of a ‘compromising photograph’ showing Madron Polkinghorne (49), the revered Chairman of the Carnyorth Cultural Institute and Big Cat Zoo seemingly involved in “an irregular activity” with a large cat in a pond.

Mr Polkinghorne, a flamboyantly colourful character with odd habits and questionable personal hygiene standards, used to work as a delivery driver for the St Erth Creamery until it closed down.

As soon as he moved to Carnyorth from somewhere ‘up country’ in the Camborne area, he became a keen member of the 4,700 strong Carnyorth Cultural Institute, participating with enormous enthusiasm in all events until he was elected chair.

The Institute was devoted to the practical arts and its courses and seminars drew aspiring artists, sculptors and writers from as far as New Mill.

Polkinghorne was sometimes controversial, as, for instance, when he suggested that he should become the first full-time paid employee of the Institute on a salary funded by levying an annual fee of £1,000 per member. Polkinghorne was quick to point out that some of the £4.7 million raised in this manner inevitably went on unavoidable annual running costs, such as paying for his Porsche and driver. He insisted that, after necessary deductions of this sort, he was lucky to be taking home £500,000.

He attracted yet further controversy when he proposed that he should ‘road-test’ the female life models. However, his devotion to the success of the Institute was such that even his initial detractors came to be his supporters.

As Chairman, Polkinghorne, describing himself as a big cat lover, persuaded the Institute that a “Big Cat Zoo” with lions, tigers, cheetahs, panthers, leopards and jaguars would be a natural extension of the Institute’s activities. Polkinghorne then spent much of his time – alone – in the company of the cats.

Yesterday’s photograph – snapped by a passing Salvation Army collector (Miss Doreen Andrewartha (109)), who was as surprised as Polkinghorne evidently was – clearly shows both parties – Polkinghorne and a lioness known as ‘Betty’ – in a pond together with no clothes on.

Being ‘discovered’ in this manner clearly put both of them off their stroke. Betty retired, muttering disconsolate growls, to her pen, whilst Polkinghorne was busy shouting pathetically unbelievable excuses to the hastily retreating Salvation Army collector.

The RSPCA (The Relubbus Society for the Protection of Cruelly–treated Animals) has been called in and there is talk of Polkinghorne being dragged before the Relubbus courts. The Roundup will remain on the case!

NEWS IN BRIEF

Nancy Kelynack (32, and the 2004 runner-up in the Miss Nude Knitter of Zennor contest), who runs her own beauty parlour and solarium at Botallack, is being sued by a number of former clients, who claim damages following the use of Nancy’s home-made solarium. Nancy (pictured) is outraged about these claims, which she says could put her out of business.

She therefore used the propane gas powered device herself for the first time yesterday and says “I kent see what they are on about. I d’ ‘ave a proper ‘ealthy glow now an’ I never liked all that long ‘air anyway. I aren’t givin’ up and I’m goina fight this all the way!”

Carnyorth sees the return of the Kernewek Kemmyn Kaped Krusaders! The dynamic duo have re-appeared in town after locals refused to rename their town “Kkarnyorth” in line with Kemmyn spelling. No one knows who these two really are but their slightly menacing presence has been felt all over Carnyorth.

Only yesterday evening they staged a demonstration outside the prestigious Carnyorth Conservatoire, where Mexican cellist Carlos Prieto was performing Shostakovich’ Sonata in D Minor for Cello, demanding in high falsetto voices that the posters be changed to read “Karlos plays Kello rekital at Kkarnyorth Kkonservatoire”.

The Relubbus Ministry of Justice has been rocked by scandal following the production of incontrovertible photographic evidence that the Relubbus Deputy Acting Justice Minister, Mr Justice Denzil Tregonning (52), has been ‘carrying on’ with a large rabbit.

The two were snapped yesterday in their love nest at the two star Tremethick Cross Warm Goat Hotel by the Roundup’s star photographer April Showers.

Says Showers, “The rabbit, who answered to the name of Rodney, was removing Mr Justice Tregonning’s trousers when they were disturbed by the flash of my camera.” Mr Justice Tregonning’s response, on being asked for a comment, is unfortunately unprintable.

Embarassment is hanging heavy over the staff of the Relubbus International Conference Centre. Having been booked for a whole week by a group calling itself the “International Legion of Superheroes”, staff attention was drawn to an important fact only when the group assembled on the front steps for their final photo at the end of the week.

A young passerby, Tommy Whitehorne (8), observed to his mother “Ere Ma, that man’s willy is ‘angin’ out!”.

The leader of the Dutch group, Henk Knobejakkers (37), stated “Ja, ve are not hiding anyting – ve are de nude Legion of Superheroes – no clothes, just bodypaint.”

Yes, Monty is back - playing for three nights at the Prospidnick Secure Home for Old Flashers. Monty Behenna is famed for his flowing piano playing, which he renders in the style of the late great Russ Conway. Monty (61), who is proud to have all his own teeth, is a local man, having been born and bred in fast-living Rosudgeon.

His piano recitals are always packed out – frequently by men wearing macs. Monty attributes this to the masculine style of play he adopts on the piano.

Music critics attribute his popularity with male audiences to the fact that he is always accompanied by one or more of his ‘nieces’, who, unencumbered by any clothing, interpret his music for him. Tickets are £5 for standing and £15 for a seat.

Relubbus Scientist Ardbit Boscathnoe (65) has invented a device which beats colour-blindness!! Having spent two decades beavering away in his laboratory, wrestling with the symptoms of protanopiac dichromatism – or the inability to see the colour red – Professor Boscathnoe has come up with a device which enables sufferers to see red in 31% of cases.

This breakthrough is causing surges of interest throughout the world-wide dichromatic community. The device is a little heavy and the wearer does need to be supported – and guided. But when they go on sale – even at the price of £29,999 – they are expected to ‘sell like hotcakes’.

CHAVVY CADS BEATEN BY BUNTS!

Court Report
By our Legal Correspondent Horton “Gone or ‘ere?” Polkinghorne

Morvah Pendennis (17) and Dennis Penmorvran (18) both of Colinsey Road, Treneere, Penzance are pictured here in jovial mood prior to their court appearance.

They appeared today before Chief Justice Mr Caxter Bunt at Relubbus Central Court on charges of breaking and entry, attempted burglary and of ‘interfering’ with Doris, the pet Llama kept by Mr Cadfael Bunt (58), a farmer with small holdings at Lower Bostraze.

The prosecution, led by Miss Fanny Bunt, maintains that, under cover of darkness, the pair gained entry into Mr Bunt’s house and made their way upstairs. The police report recorded that the boys, one of whom, Dennis, likes to call himself Goky and who dresses as a girl, admitted that “we woz lookin’ fer jewels.”

It is at this point that the stories of Mr Bunt and the boys sharply diverge.

The boys’ story continues thus. Hearing strange noises emanating from a room displaying the name ‘Doris’, the boys became curious and slowly opened the door on to a dim candle-lit scene.

The candle, described by Morvah as “one o’ they rude-shaped ones”, gave off a sickly overpowering smell, but did little to illuminate the room. Pink seemed to be the predominant colour of all fixtures and fittings.

Mr Bunt had his back turned to the boys and seemed to be wearing a blue nightshirt pulled up around his waist. Groaning occasionally, his knees bent regularly in a rhythmic dipping motion.

Doris, who was dolled up to the nines in pink apparel, stood directly in front of Mr Bunt and similarly had her back to the boys as well as to Mr Bunt. The picture on the left is taken from Mr Bunt's website, "Loving Llamas".

Doris made a strange snuffing sound from time to time. A Lonny Donegan hit, “Diggin’ my potatoes” from 1956 on the Decca label, was playing on the radiogram. The boys had intruded upon a very self-absorbed scene.

Opening the door a little wider caused it to squeak loudly. Mr Bunt pulled back from whatever activity he was engaged in and turned round, whereupon the boys realised that he had blacked up as though in preparation for an appearance on the Black and White Minstrel Show.

For overseas readers who may not know it, The Black and White Minstrel Show is a hugely popular TV show, which can be viewed on Relubbus Television at 6.55 pm on Saturdays - next Saturday's special star guest is Barack Obama!!).

Bunt ran to an interconnecting door to another room, ripped it open, went inside and slammed the door behind him. Doris, clearly upset by the commotion, began to make a mess on the floor.

The boys heard demented cries from the other room: “My bleddy brother’s a judge - you say anything about this and you buggers’ll go to jail!!”

Quickly perceiving that an evening of gentle light crime might entail more than a few difficulties for them, the pair bolted down the stairs to make good their escape, closely followed by Bunt, who by now was waving a loaded shotgun in the air.

Miss Fanny Bunt, for the prosecution, gives a completely different account and maintains that her cousin, Mr Cadfael Bunt, was fast asleep in his bed when the pair arrived.

Doris, who is just one of his Llamas, had been feeling under the weather. He was concerned for her and decided to bring her into the house, so that he could keep a better eye on her.

Mr Bunt’s wife, Doris, had died some three years before but he had kept her things and thought that he would make the Llama – coincidentally also called Doris – extra comfortable by dressing her up in some of Doris’s things. This he had done and had repaired to bed.

He was awoken some while later by shouting and bleating and peered into Doris’ room to find a scene of chaos. He maintains that one of the boys was holding Doris steady, whilst the other was “shagging’ ‘er senseless”. He grabbed his shotgun and drove them off.

The police, led by Chief Inspector Colin Bunt (known to his colleagues as Bolin) said that they had found undeniable DNA evidence that one of the boys had been engaged as his cousin, Mr Cadfael Bunt, had maintained. This DNA evidence had afterwards sadly gone missing, but Mr Justice Caxter Bunt said that he was more than happy to rely on the good word of the Relubbus Police.

Mr Cadfael Bunt’s computer was afterwards found to be full of pornographic photos involving llamas and Mr Caxter Bunt fully accepted Mr Colin Bunt’s assertion that these ‘obnoxious photos’ had been placed there by the two boys to put the police off the scent.

Listening to all the evidence, Mr Justice Caxter Bunt stated that he had been horrified by the details of this case and that he had no hesitation in ‘sending down’ the two boys for a minimum of 35 years each. His sole regret was that the option of capital punishment or, at the very least, transportation to the colonies for life was no longer open to him.

Very pleased with the outcome, Mr Cadfael Bunt extended an invitation to Mr Justice Bunt, Miss Fanny Bunt and Mr Colin Bunt to join him and Doris for a slap-up family dinner that evening to celebrate.

The picture on the left shows some of the Bunts featured in this story. On the extreme left is Lavinia Nudd, a family friend. At the back are Cadfael and Caxter and in the front are Colin and Fanny.

As they were taken away to face a long sentence in the dreaded Prospidnick jail, the two boys yelled out “ You lot are nothing but a bunch o’….”, but their words faded away.

OLYMPIC HERO IN DRUGS AND SEX SCANDAL!

Olympic gold medal hero Ned ‘Pasties ‘ Nudd (14), so recently lionised as the winner of the ‘Floating’ competition at the Beijing Olympics, is at the centre of a sensational drugs-and-sex scandal that threatens to cut short his brief but spectacular career (writes undercover investigative correspondent Dave Seedy).

Only weeks after being idolised by the vast crowds lining Boswedden Lane during the victorious Relubbus Olympic team's open-top bus tour of the city, Nudd has been caught in flagrante with an Atlantic grey seal, a bottle-nosed dolphin, a porbeagle, and a basking shark in the Olympic-sized swimming pool at the home of Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) leader Billy Spargo. It is not known whether Mr Spargo was present at the time, and he was not available for comment yesterday.

According to shocked eye-witnesses, a kind of "feeding frenzy" seemed to be taking place in the pool. Nudd, who consumes 400 pasties a day in training and cannot stand unaided, was at the centre of the frenzy, but a vast amount of fish was consumed by all the participants.

"'Zobvious t' me, they wuz all on drugs", said Mr Spargo's gardener, Bednego Tonkin.

There have also been allegations of inappropriate sexual activity involving Nudd, the seal and the dolphin, though the Roundup cannot substantiate the truth of this. Worse still for Nudd's reputation, the dolphin is apparently a male animal and the seal may be under-age! It is said to have "absconded" from the Children's Touch Pool at the Mevagissey Sea Life Centre on Sunday.

The Relubbus Olympic Committee meet on Wednesday to decide which of its rules, if any, Nudd has broken, and what action to take against him. The Roundup will keep you posted, but at the moment it looks as if Nudd's meteoric athletic career could be over.

ROMANTIC RELUBBUS

Women seeking Men

Female Traffic Warden (36), single and desperate to meet man to have children before time clock runs out. Freckles and flat feet, but not yet (quite) clinically obese. Sunny disposition and loves Kettle Crisps. Needs to meet a man who won’t mind the smell. Phone Belinda Hicks on Hayle 67456.


Cuddly Funeral Home Receptionist with one eye (the other is lovingly carved by her father from Helford Passage Oak) (26) from Camborne would like to meet man of her dreams: he is over 5 ft 6 ins tall, has a well preserved Ford Anglia, knows a bit about DIY (but will still need me, if you know what I mean!) has only occasionally visited prostitutes and knows how to take proper care of budgies (I have thirty!). I can offer a mean "beans on toast", as well as… well, you come and find out. Phone Avril Behenna on Halsetown 561.



Retired bookkeeper from Botallack (67), has lived quiet life at home with mother, who has just passed on at the age of 93. Was always brought up to save myself for the right man – "Now mother’s gone, I can look for him. Are you he?". Ideally seeking man of Congregationalist background (former Boys' Brigade?, perhaps, but not homo-so-exual). Keywords for me are "warm underwear", "cocoa", "slugs", and "droppings". Is this you? Phone Trish Acne on Sancreed 423.

Teacher of Religious Knowledge and Halsetown’s champion knitter (1982) seeks understanding male who will not be put off by bladder difficulties. I am happy to meet a man who is seriously overweight, as I am myself a size 32. Up for all sexual adventures not involving difficult positions, unless you have one o’ they special cranes. Phone Chris Myfanwy Fanny on Crowlas 510.

Men seeking women

Kolin Klemo (32), a Kernewek Kemmyn aficionado, currently works at a fish and chip shop in Hayle, but firmly believes that he is cut out for mega-earnings in Asian equity sales, when securities become big in either Hayle or Lelant. He firmly expects to be trading in his Reliant Robin (no engine or wheels) for a Maserati in the near future.

If you are a local girl (preferably a real goer like Linda Penrose) who fancies the Maserati life, then please join the queue outside Highlane Fish and Chips, Hayle, at 9.30 pm next Tuesday, when Kolin will be interviewing, weather permitting.

Denzil Trevains (26), a constructor of wooden Ipods and trombonist in the Pendeen Silver band, seeks understanding matron to help him with his flagellant condition. Denzil needs to be beaten every day and, if you will wear sandals and paint your toenails pink, he will not mind what you look like or what sex you are. Phone Denzil at the Mortuary, extension 3.

Celebrity note: Denzil is a nephew of legendary West Penwith busker, the late (and scarcely-lamented) "Banjo" Trevains.

Craig Wakfer (29) is an almost reformed chicken-botherer (he prefers the term "coop-fan") from Heamoor, who thinks no one should take his "condition" seriously. Arrested four years ago for his pursuit of an innocent (in the opinion of the owner) Cornish game hen called Clucky, Craig now dismisses Clucky as "nothing but a bleddy cocktease!".

Craig has now turned his back on the chicken coop and is looking firmly towards the world of women for his next sexual adventures. Ask for Craig at HMP Boscathnoe. He is due for release in 6 weeks.

Others seeking Others

Lonesome Toilet Repair Operative (30s) without any experience beyond self-manipulation wonders what "it" would be like. "Chris" says only that he lives "west of Truro" and alone "without comforts". Chris has never – ever – seriously harmed anyone on purpose, so you needn’t worry on that score! If you, like Chris, are seriously turned on by smells, then phone 01736 365419 (a public phone box) between 6.30 pm and 6.35 pm any weekday evening.

PERSONAL SERVICES FOR THE DISCERNING USER

Depilation the Easy Way

You've given creams a go – and they don’t work.

You've obviously tried shaving, but that is short-lived and bloody.

So now you are looking for the new fail-safe way. And now you need look no further – you will find your answers in Crows-an-wra!!

So come to Crows and Wra Body Torching for that Bunsen Burner treatment that WILL leave you hairless.

Sandra Botterill will leave you hairless and happy!!

A single session with Sandra will cost you only £39.

Weight Loss – achieve it, without effort, at: Buryas Bridge Body Slicing

It is the new technique that helps you lose pounds (or stones) in seconds.

Dickie Addicoat is ready to help you by slicing off unwanted parts (and weight!!) in just seconds!!

Dickie likes to think of himself as a skilled ‘body sculptor’, who can transform your looks.

A two minute (the maximum) session with Dickie will cost you just £95.

Please note that clients must supply their own sticky plasters!!

Spiritual Telegraphs!!

We pass on those last words you forgot to say!

Everyone wishes that they had said some one last thing to their dearly beloved, before they departed. Once the moment has past, the opportunity has gone – forever! Or has it?

No! It hasn’t, you can speak to your loved ones who have passed on!

For a fee of only £42 per word, you can pass on messages to your dear departed with

Spiritual Telegraphs of Boscathnoe.

Constipation Clearance with High Pressure Hosing!

Also effective with Ear Wax, Alzheimers and Homosexuality!!**

Dougie Blewitt is all kitted up and standing ready to help you with whatever ailment you might have.

His cleansing blast will remove all traces of ear wax for good. It is also known to have beneficial effects in the treatment of Alzheimer’s - it does get their attention!

Also, when the power is turned on full, Dougie is convinced that it will ‘cure’ homosexuality, halitosis, and other ailments beginning with 'h'.

5 (Five) minutes with Dougie cost an amazingly little £445!!!!

** As recommended by Cornish Conservative County Councillor Graham Facks-Martin!!!!

Professor Parry’s Counselling for the Confused!!

As a formerly very confused person himself, Professor Parry is well placed to help those amongst us, who have – for whatever reasons – become ’confused’.

Here follows a quick confusion test:

1. Have you ever voted ‘Tory’? (Don’t be ashamed – it happens!)

2. Have you ever been caught with a part of yourself inserted into an animal of any sort?

3. Regardless of the ‘happy state’ of the animal, is there a picture?

4. Have you killed anyone yet?

5. If not, would your weapon of choice be a bomb, a knife, or a bludgeon?

If you have scored four ‘yes’ s and a bludgeon, then Professor Parry is your man!!

He is to be found at the Long Rock Station carriages between 9.10 and 9,40 on Tuesday mornings. Knock twice, as he's usually involved with his favourite Lemur, Albert.

“Recovery’ sessions with Professor Parry can cost as little as £5,000 per 10 minute session!!

LONELY HEARTS THAT YEARN FOR YOU

The Roundup has achieved enormous success in bringing together lonely people who are looking for love in West Cornwall.

Indeed, following the international attention the Roundup has received after its perceptive coverage of the Eurovision Song Contest, it may well be that some of our international readers might like to make contact with some of the special people we present today.

We do also invite international readers to view our older posts covering such interesting items as politics with insightful articles on Bush/Putin, Sarkozy and with special focuses on foreign embassies in Relubbus ; culture with a particular emphasis on poetry and music; and a host of other fascinating offerings including our famous FREE dating facility - Lonely Hearts. Don't forget to POST A COMMENT before you go.

We make no charge for our Lonely Hearts service and simply regard its free provision as being another hallmark of socially responsible journalism. Here are some more folk who are looking for love... from you?

Willy Bosiddick (32) is a well-known milkman from Rosudgeon, the gay capital of West Cornwall. Despite living in this "den of Sodom", as it has been designated by a succession of Methodist fundamentalist preachers, Willy is firmly heterosexual in orientation. He is, in fact, also married with 7 children. Having been married to the same person since the age of 16, he now wishes to experiment further, though only with willing single women, as he fervently insists, revealing a concealed poetic bent, "Despite coming from 'ere (Rosudgeon), I ain't bleddy queer!"

Willy insisted on being photographed wearing this papier mache head so that his wife, Rosemary, wouldn't recognise him. As he says "If she duh see this and duh knaw i's me, I'll get bleddy 'ell." We did try to warn him... Ladies, if you are interested in a man who claims to be the soul of discretion itself, then Box 5682 is the one for you.

Horton Baragwaneth (29) is a fully qualified dentist with his own surgery in Zennor. Horton is a sensitive man, who was badly hurt by an affair some years ago with a girl who worked in the Warrens shop in Market Jew Street. Having been single for some years now -- after his unfortunate affair -- Horton is ready to try again with someone who could share the interests he has acquired in the interim.

Horton is a collector. He has never thrown a tooth away and now has 1,769 samples, all labelled. Branching our from dentistry, he also has one of the largest stool samples in West Cornwall, thanks to the specially adapted patients' toilet in his surgery. He eagerly admits that he is only 27 away from his first 1,000 in this collection. Ladies, if you would like to share Horton's life and his collections, write in to Box 4571.

Irene Upton O'Good (42) is an Irish potter working in Sancreed. Irene took up pottery during her second stretch in prison. Shy about past achievements, she will not say what she was in for, beyond saying that "it will be the last time that bastard ever screws another woman". She is a member of the Sancreed branch of Pyromaniacs Anonymous.

A gifted virtuoso castanets player, Irene is devoted to developing her artistic side. She does not wish to return to prison and is therefore looking for a quiet relationship with a man (or woman, a taste acquired in prison) who can offer a home to her and her thirty two pet weasels. Box 7629

Terry/Teri Angwin (25) is a tranvestite electrician from Hayle. A bearded, 25 stone, club-footed hulk of a man, he is able -- in the evenings -- to transform himself into the dream young woman on the left and assumes the name Teri.

Terry plays in the back row for the Cornish Pirates rugby team, none of whom know about his feminine side, although Terry tells us that he had a hot night with one of them when he had put on his make-up to become Teri. Clearly a complex character, Terry/Teri would like a relationship with an understanding man, who would accept Terry's life as an electrician and a rugby player. Box 5683

Madron Pengelly (56) is a butcher from St Just, who was divorced from his second wife just a year ago, after she discovered him in the cellar with their Labrador dog.

Madron is a keen member of the Old Cornwall Society, a member also of two different male choirs, and is a bellringer. He still plays with the Meccano set he received as boy of ten and enjoys all card and board games.

He is pictured here with his organ, his favourite possession, and would like to find someone new in his life who will enjoy his organ as much as he does. As a bachelor he lives on shop pasties and Jelbert's ice cream. His dream will be complete if he can find "a good woman, 'oo can cook proper!" Box 5673

Gaspar Ruiz (76) is a former Cardinal from the USA, who retired to Cornwall following certain allegations. Conspicuous in Tremethick Cross because he still wears all the regalia of his former office, Gaspar is on orders to keep a low profile. He has joined the local Men's knitting circle and has also joined the queue for a place in the Tregavarah Bowls Club.

A keen pipe smoker -- getting through two tins of Dunhill's Early Morning pipe tobacco each day -- Gaspar is keen to form a pipe-smoking club in Tremethick Cross. He is keen to hear from anyone -- man or woman -- who would like to join his club. He would be particularly keen to hear from anyone else in Tremethick Cross who wears -- or would like to wear -- clerical garb like him. Box 5734.

ZENNOR POLGLAZE INVENTS TIME CAMERA!

NANCLEDRA INVENTOR MAKES STARTLING BREAKTHROUGH

Zennor Polglaze (32) is a shy retiring young man who has only once previously and unintentionally stepped into the glaze of public view, when he was arrested 12 years ago for "irregularities" involving a hedgehog, which sadly did not survive the ordeal.

Putting this sorry incident behind him, "Prickles" Polglaze, as he later came to be known, moved on to become one of the greatest time theorists the world has ever known.

Pictured on the left, Prickles might seem to some to be an unprepossessing character, but behind those eyes lurks a brain that sees connections to which other mortals are blind.

In short, Prickles believes that every event that ever happened -- anywhere -- has been "recorded" by the environment in which it occurred.

"Fine", some people scoffed, "but show me your proof". It was then that Prickles began his work on the Chronocamera or time camera. This picks up images from the past.

Prickles' mother lives in a old fisherman's cottage in Newlyn. By leaving his camera on in his mother's front room, the following image materialised of a long-departed inhabitant of the cottage, now identified as one Tresco Botallack, who died in 1864 at the age of 35.

Scientists and historians alike are amazed at the astounding breakthrough that Prickles has made, and now Cornish linguists too are getting excited at the prospect of Prickles' next great step forward, which is to be the Chrono-video camera. This will be able to record events and conversations from the past, enabling linguists to hear spoken mother-tongue Cornish from 300 years ago for the first time.

Prickles has explained that his researches have cost him considerable sums of money and that he cannot conceive of releasing further photos and certainly not videos until he has received "a large sum" from the County Council. He is expecting a sum to be "the right side of £84 and no council tax for the rest of his life". Councillors are said to be considering the matter.

Cornish linguists are said to be "champing at the bit" to hear Cornish spoken by native speakers from years ago.
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Keep up with the internet!!

Are you living in the past? Do you think that those who talk of the Internet are specialist fishermen? Are "Facebook" and "Myspace" foreign terms to you?

If so, then come to the "Face of he Future" talks at the Young Methodist Women's meetings on Thursday nights at Parade Street Methodist Chapel, to listen to Gladys Polwhele, who styles herself as "one o' they internet gurus".

Gladys is, as pictured on the left at the Penzance switchboard, at the forefront of modern technology, and will explain all the intricacies of the modern computer world, starting with the telephone -- a truly marvellous device, which enables you, with the greatest of ease, to speak to people who are out of earshot -- or even further away.

Gladys is a daring damsel of the 21st century, who is fully at home with all these new-fangled devices. Having been "on the board" in Penzance for a good number of years, she even claims to have been able to listen into conversations between the one-time Premier, Harold Wilson, and his secretary -- some say paramour -- Lady Forkbender in the days when he spent his summers on the Scilly Islands.

Gladys -- who still works on the switchboard in Penzance, all by herself -- has nevertheless moved on to embrace the full palette of technological advances and is able to give enlightened tutorials on a range of complex subjects, including when to press button A or B in call boxes, and who and where the operator is in any West Cornish situation (always her, as she is the only operator in an otherwise fully automated exchange).

However, sensationally and latterly, she is also able to give guidance on matters such as the Internet "an all they gobbledegook subjecks".

If you are seeking technological enlightenment, come along to see Gladys Polwhele at Parade Street Methodist Church on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7.00pm. Entrance £79, cash only.

STAR INTERVIEW: CHEBNEY QUISTLE

Artist, poet, and musician Chebney Quistle speaks to the Roundup

The Relubbus Roundup will be running a series of "big name" interviews and, to launch the series, is proud to be able to publish an interview between none other than Renaissance man, Chebney Quistle (64), and star Roundup reporter, Loveday Liddicoat (34). As Mr Quistle is resident near Vaduz, Lichtenstein, Ms Liddicoat availed herself of the new Western National Bus Services from Relubbus to Vaduz Station, taking a day return saver ticket at the incredible price of only £4 15s 3d.

Mr Quistle, an Englishman who has come to love Cornwall, has through his numerous paintings, musical compositions, prose and poetry written to the glory of Cornwall, made himself dear to many a true Cornishman.

He came to live in Boskednan near New Mill as a young man of 23 back in 1932. He acquired his great love of the Cornish natural world by walking in the hills around his new home.

It was only the dark clouds of scandal that forced him to move abroad, following the alleged incident in a field near Heamoor two years ago. However, despite lengthy painstaking investigations by both police and the RSPCA, no charges were ever brought against Mr Quistle and, indeed, milk yields in that particular herd went up and not down...

Although he chose to remain a confirmed bachelor, Chebney was a very keen participant in many aspects of local life. He was an officer in the Boys' Brigade and a leader in the Scouts and could always be relied upon when it came to taking boys away to camp. He was also a Choirmaster at his local Church, spending extra time with the owners of his treble voices to ensure the piping quality of their performance.

However, the bulk of his time was spent with the brush or the pen or with his beloved xylophones.

Pictured on the left is Chebney's most famous (and valuable) painting, entitled My House. It cost him some 8 months of tortured work and perfectly captures the atmosphere of Boskednan in the early 1830s, when he first came to live there. This great work was purchased at a price of some £55 for the Tate by Sir Richard Branson, who was a great friend and admirer of Chebney before the incident in Heamoor.

Leaving his very considerable achievements with the brush aside, Chebney was a maestro with the pen and is acknowledged to be one of the greatest English poets.

His poem I am is reckoned to be one of the finest statements of the human spirit in print.

I am -- I am what it is to be,
Because I am what it is to feel.
So ask, please, no more of me!

Ask ye no hedgehog, ask ye no eel!
Just ask Elizabeth to show you -- her spot!
That tender centre of her innermost being --
That is a wonder to behold and not to share!

Brake markings on my underpants --
They are proof of my being there!
They will fade, as do all marks of human kind,
But when fresh, they are proof to the curious nose.

There are, grant you, prettier things -- like daffodils;
Like wandering trees on distant hills:
They summon up images of years gone by,
And of happy peoples whose smiles are no more.

I tire of musing and must close down
Or we will both wear your worried frown.
So go now away and leave me alone,
To play my wondrous Xylophone!

This phenomenally great work was purchased by Roman Abramski for the Russian Nation at a price of 76 billion roubles in 1995.

Chebney was never happier that when playing on his Xylophone. His favourite work, which he played for hours on end, was The three mice, who couldn't see! Like all great works, this too was subject to much plagiarism -- a popular version of it now circulating as "The three blind mice".

The Star Interview went as follows:

Loveday Liddicoat: "Mr Quistle, I do not wish to embarrass you, but could you tell us in your own words just what was happening in that field in Heamoor?"

The great man: " You little bugger! You...you....you....". Gasping for breath," You....". Eyes swimming, he then expired. Since no further words came from the great man, we must let his works alone speak for him.