NOONGALLAS SCIENTIST WINS NOBEL PRIZE

SCIENCE NEWS
By Science Correspondent Jan Carew
Renowned Noongallas scientist, Professor Duke Ellington Trewavas, has been awarded the Nobel Prize for Philosophical Physics for his pioneering work on the daftness of brushes. Professor Trewavas, who holds the Chair of Experimental Physics and Natural Philosophy at University College, Relubbus, is credited with finally resolving the age-old question of whether two brushes are dafter than one brush.

The classic view was expounded by Aristotle in 348 B.C., when he argued that, since a single brush was infinitely daft, the combined daftness of two or more brushes could not exceed that of one alone.

This view remained unchallenged for over two millenia until, in the eighteenth century, David Hume proposed the idea of a rocket ship accelerating for ever through space. Over trillions of years (the concept of "light years" was then unknown), as the ship progresses deeper and deeper into space, gradually picking up speed all the while, it approaches nearer and nearer to the edge of the universe. However, as the universe is infinite, the ship can never reach its edge; instead, the distance between the ship and the edge becomes smaller and smaller, until it is infinitesimally small -- and then it becomes smaller still!

Just as one cannot, for any practical purpose, encompass the infinity of the universe, argues Hume, so one cannot encompass an infinity of daftness. It follows that, for any practical purpose, a brush cannot be infinitely daft. If a brush is not infinitely daft, two brushes must be dafter than one brush.

The opposed viewpoints of Aristotle and Hume have divided philosophers for the past two-and-a-half centuries. Now, at last, in his seminal paper On the Daftness of Brushes, Professor Trewavas seems to have resolved the question. Moreover, he has done so by a master stroke of original thinking that turns the question on its head!

We now know, says Trewavas, that the universe is not infinite: it had a beginning (about 14 billion years ago) and may have an end. We know that it is currently expanding. If it is expanding, it was smaller last week than it is this week, and so, at any particular time, cannot be infinite.

If the universe is not infinite, argues Trewavas, nothing in it can possess the "quality of infinity". A brush, for example, cannot be infinitely daft. If it cannot be infinitely daft, it follows that a brush must possess some degree, however small, of intelligence.

This was the breakthrough moment! Having realized that brushes possess intelligence, it was a small step for Trewavas to set up an experiment to measure that intelligence. The real problem, however, was in obtaining the funding to acquire equipment sensitive enough to respond to the microscopically small manifestations of intelligence exhibited by most brushes. The equipment used to detect positrons by the CERN (Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire) particle accelerator, for example, proved to be laughably inadequate. However, Trewavas was not to be denied. He recruited his Enty Gladys to organize weekly coffee mornings until the necessary funds were raised.

It turns out that some brushes are smarter than others. Typically, your average clothes brush is smarter than your average shoe brush. By carefully selecting the types of brush to experiment on, and by fine-tuning his equipment over a period of five years, Trewavas was finally able to arrive at an approximation of the Intelligence Quotient (IQ) of a typical clothes brush -- 0.01 to the minus 327777729 recurring. Having established by experiment that every brush possesses a degree of intelligence, however small, it was a trivial step for Trewavas to produce a mathematical proof that the combined intelligences of any two brushes must necessarily be greater than the single intelligence of either one.

As intimated above, Trewavas's pioneering work has turned the age-old question on its head. It is not whether two brushes are twice as daft as one brush, but whether they are twice as intelligent. It turns out that they are!

ROUNDUP CELEBRATES INVENTIVE RELUBBUS

Treloar’s COC (Cornish One-man Car) is part of the answer to Climate Change!

The fertile mind of Sidney Treloar (35), Perranuthnoe farmer and part-time scientist and engineer has been wrestling with the urgent need to address the challenge of Climate Change and he decided to take on the challenge of transport.

Having camped out on the A30 for several days observing the nature of the constant traffic flow, Treloar was struck by the number of cars that contained only one person - the driver.

“I waz camped out there fer three days and I couldn’ bleeve it. 85% of the cars that went past only ‘ad the driver innun”, he declared in his breathless soprano. He concluded that needless metal, needless seats, needless fuel was all simply going to waste.

It was then that he had his brilliant idea of designing the COC, the Cornish One-man Car. The COC is a compact one seater that uses petrol, but achieves a miraculous 159 miles to the gallon and moves from 0 to 60 mph in just three minutes.

It comes complete with a strap-on umbrella hat for rainy weather and – before you object that it is no good for the family – you can attach carriages to the back so that you can carry up to five people.

Having designed the prototype, Treloar has now secured the backing of W G Trevaskis (103), the famous multi-billionaire businessman and philanthropist. Trevaskis is building a plant at Long Rock, which will produce 1,500 COCs each week. The new cars are expected to be marketed at a bargain price of just £750 each. It is expected that this low price will attract buyers not only from Relubbus but from around the world.

Win a COC for free!!!!!

Yes, it’s true, you could be the proud owner of one of these new COC cars for free!!!. Just phone the magic number 0845 48195298* and answer this simple question. Who designed the COC?

A Sidney Treloar

B Leonardo da Vinci

C Henry VIII

*Calls cost £14 per minute with 50% of proceeds going to the Trevaskis Foundation for Fallen Women In Ludgvan

PENSIONERS BLASTED INTO SPACE

The picture shows the moment at the NASA (Neerly Alright Space Agency) launch pad at Cape Cornwall on Friday, when all twelve inhabitants of a Sancreed Old Folks Home were blasted into space aboard a specially-adapted Western National bus, en route for Mars, the Red Planet.

The successful launch was the culmination of years of planning and effort by thousands of scientists at the giant St Buryan Space City.

As the launch was relayed, on giant television screens, to the underground control room on the seventh level of the Space City, jubilant engineers burst into spontaneous applause, hugging each other in delight. Some were so overcome with relief that their years of effort had not been in vain that tears coursed uncontrolled down their faces.

The object of the expedition is to found a colony -- a kind of mini St Buryan -- on Mars. It is hoped that, in time, the colonists (being Cornish) will be able to exploit the vast mineral wealth of their new home. Once mines have been established, it is envisaged that a trading station will be set up, and that wealth will flow back to the "motherland" of St Buryan.

All the pensioners are volunteers who have seized the chance to begin a new life on the Red Planet. When asked why they volunteered for the mission, a majority said -- unaccountably -- that it was because they were bored with life in Sancreed!

As the picture shows, none of the intrepid astronauts -- courageous though they undoubtedly are -- were willing to sit on the open top deck of the bus during lift-off.

To make the expedition possible, two litres of fuel were supplied free by Cornish entrepreneur and philanthropist W.G. Trevaskis, with Trevaskis's arch-rival RC ("Arsey") Oates and the Kwop making similarly generous contributions.

GIANT WIND FARM FOR HELFORD

By Technology Correspondent Jon Quick

The picture shows an artist's impression of the first stage of the giant wind farm that is to be built in the shallow waters of Helford creek, adjacent to the village of Helford, on the Lizard peninsula.

Initially, there will be only two turbines (each 400 feet tall), but eventually there are expected to be some two hundred.

A spokeswoman for the new Cornwall Unitary Authority said that the site was "ideal".

In most areas, she said, locals objected strongly to the intrusive nature of the colossal structures on the landscape. However, because Helford village consisted almost entirely of second homes, it remained unoccupied for most of the year, and therefore she anticipated that there would be few objections.

"How can people object to their view being spoilt if they're not there to see it in the first place?" she asked.

Jon Quick is the Dean of St Patrick's Cathedral, Dublin.

NEWS IN BRIEF

Nancy Kelynack (32, and the 2004 runner-up in the Miss Nude Knitter of Zennor contest), who runs her own beauty parlour and solarium at Botallack, is being sued by a number of former clients, who claim damages following the use of Nancy’s home-made solarium. Nancy (pictured) is outraged about these claims, which she says could put her out of business.

She therefore used the propane gas powered device herself for the first time yesterday and says “I kent see what they are on about. I d’ ‘ave a proper ‘ealthy glow now an’ I never liked all that long ‘air anyway. I aren’t givin’ up and I’m goina fight this all the way!”

Carnyorth sees the return of the Kernewek Kemmyn Kaped Krusaders! The dynamic duo have re-appeared in town after locals refused to rename their town “Kkarnyorth” in line with Kemmyn spelling. No one knows who these two really are but their slightly menacing presence has been felt all over Carnyorth.

Only yesterday evening they staged a demonstration outside the prestigious Carnyorth Conservatoire, where Mexican cellist Carlos Prieto was performing Shostakovich’ Sonata in D Minor for Cello, demanding in high falsetto voices that the posters be changed to read “Karlos plays Kello rekital at Kkarnyorth Kkonservatoire”.

The Relubbus Ministry of Justice has been rocked by scandal following the production of incontrovertible photographic evidence that the Relubbus Deputy Acting Justice Minister, Mr Justice Denzil Tregonning (52), has been ‘carrying on’ with a large rabbit.

The two were snapped yesterday in their love nest at the two star Tremethick Cross Warm Goat Hotel by the Roundup’s star photographer April Showers.

Says Showers, “The rabbit, who answered to the name of Rodney, was removing Mr Justice Tregonning’s trousers when they were disturbed by the flash of my camera.” Mr Justice Tregonning’s response, on being asked for a comment, is unfortunately unprintable.

Embarassment is hanging heavy over the staff of the Relubbus International Conference Centre. Having been booked for a whole week by a group calling itself the “International Legion of Superheroes”, staff attention was drawn to an important fact only when the group assembled on the front steps for their final photo at the end of the week.

A young passerby, Tommy Whitehorne (8), observed to his mother “Ere Ma, that man’s willy is ‘angin’ out!”.

The leader of the Dutch group, Henk Knobejakkers (37), stated “Ja, ve are not hiding anyting – ve are de nude Legion of Superheroes – no clothes, just bodypaint.”

Yes, Monty is back - playing for three nights at the Prospidnick Secure Home for Old Flashers. Monty Behenna is famed for his flowing piano playing, which he renders in the style of the late great Russ Conway. Monty (61), who is proud to have all his own teeth, is a local man, having been born and bred in fast-living Rosudgeon.

His piano recitals are always packed out – frequently by men wearing macs. Monty attributes this to the masculine style of play he adopts on the piano.

Music critics attribute his popularity with male audiences to the fact that he is always accompanied by one or more of his ‘nieces’, who, unencumbered by any clothing, interpret his music for him. Tickets are £5 for standing and £15 for a seat.

Relubbus Scientist Ardbit Boscathnoe (65) has invented a device which beats colour-blindness!! Having spent two decades beavering away in his laboratory, wrestling with the symptoms of protanopiac dichromatism – or the inability to see the colour red – Professor Boscathnoe has come up with a device which enables sufferers to see red in 31% of cases.

This breakthrough is causing surges of interest throughout the world-wide dichromatic community. The device is a little heavy and the wearer does need to be supported – and guided. But when they go on sale – even at the price of £29,999 – they are expected to ‘sell like hotcakes’.

ZENNOR POLGLAZE INVENTS TIME CAMERA!

NANCLEDRA INVENTOR MAKES STARTLING BREAKTHROUGH

Zennor Polglaze (32) is a shy retiring young man who has only once previously and unintentionally stepped into the glaze of public view, when he was arrested 12 years ago for "irregularities" involving a hedgehog, which sadly did not survive the ordeal.

Putting this sorry incident behind him, "Prickles" Polglaze, as he later came to be known, moved on to become one of the greatest time theorists the world has ever known.

Pictured on the left, Prickles might seem to some to be an unprepossessing character, but behind those eyes lurks a brain that sees connections to which other mortals are blind.

In short, Prickles believes that every event that ever happened -- anywhere -- has been "recorded" by the environment in which it occurred.

"Fine", some people scoffed, "but show me your proof". It was then that Prickles began his work on the Chronocamera or time camera. This picks up images from the past.

Prickles' mother lives in a old fisherman's cottage in Newlyn. By leaving his camera on in his mother's front room, the following image materialised of a long-departed inhabitant of the cottage, now identified as one Tresco Botallack, who died in 1864 at the age of 35.

Scientists and historians alike are amazed at the astounding breakthrough that Prickles has made, and now Cornish linguists too are getting excited at the prospect of Prickles' next great step forward, which is to be the Chrono-video camera. This will be able to record events and conversations from the past, enabling linguists to hear spoken mother-tongue Cornish from 300 years ago for the first time.

Prickles has explained that his researches have cost him considerable sums of money and that he cannot conceive of releasing further photos and certainly not videos until he has received "a large sum" from the County Council. He is expecting a sum to be "the right side of £84 and no council tax for the rest of his life". Councillors are said to be considering the matter.

Cornish linguists are said to be "champing at the bit" to hear Cornish spoken by native speakers from years ago.
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Keep up with the internet!!

Are you living in the past? Do you think that those who talk of the Internet are specialist fishermen? Are "Facebook" and "Myspace" foreign terms to you?

If so, then come to the "Face of he Future" talks at the Young Methodist Women's meetings on Thursday nights at Parade Street Methodist Chapel, to listen to Gladys Polwhele, who styles herself as "one o' they internet gurus".

Gladys is, as pictured on the left at the Penzance switchboard, at the forefront of modern technology, and will explain all the intricacies of the modern computer world, starting with the telephone -- a truly marvellous device, which enables you, with the greatest of ease, to speak to people who are out of earshot -- or even further away.

Gladys is a daring damsel of the 21st century, who is fully at home with all these new-fangled devices. Having been "on the board" in Penzance for a good number of years, she even claims to have been able to listen into conversations between the one-time Premier, Harold Wilson, and his secretary -- some say paramour -- Lady Forkbender in the days when he spent his summers on the Scilly Islands.

Gladys -- who still works on the switchboard in Penzance, all by herself -- has nevertheless moved on to embrace the full palette of technological advances and is able to give enlightened tutorials on a range of complex subjects, including when to press button A or B in call boxes, and who and where the operator is in any West Cornish situation (always her, as she is the only operator in an otherwise fully automated exchange).

However, sensationally and latterly, she is also able to give guidance on matters such as the Internet "an all they gobbledegook subjecks".

If you are seeking technological enlightenment, come along to see Gladys Polwhele at Parade Street Methodist Church on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7.00pm. Entrance £79, cash only.

SCIENCE TRANSFORMS MORAL CLIMATE

Renowned Relubbus recluse Ronnie Rosewarne, often known as the "King of Christian Science", has released details of a powerful new tool that he has designed to help improve the moral fibre of Relubbus.

Professor Rosewarne is shown here on the left in the most recent photograph we have of this most private and elusive individual. The photo was taken back in the 1920s, when Professor Rosewarne had slipped out of his cottage to go to Trevaskis stores to buy a jar of his much-beloved Bovril. Since then, this intensely shy man has managed to avoid all photographers. His primary point of contact with the outside world is via his cleaning lady for the past 60 years, Miss Ethel Tregonning (86).

Despite his advanced years -- Professor Rosewarne is now 116 years old -- his brain remains as acutely sharp and fertile as ever it was. His latest offering to the world is little short of being a marvel -- for he has invented a "mind washing machine". As this proud Cornishman and fiercely fundamentalist Methodist himself sums it up, "There are far too many people walkin' roun' with dirty thoughts. My machine will wash they dirty thoughts clean out o' their minds".

Pictured on the left is the sort of helmet that Professor Rosewarne believes everyone in Relubbus should be wearing. The device does not impair breathing very much and permits near normal vision. When the wearer entertains impure or improper thoughts, he or she will immediately be subjected to very high pressure and very high temperature jets of water, which will pierce the skull and "clean up" any dirty thoughts in the head.

Speaking through his mouthpiece to the world, Miss Tregonning, Professor Rosewarne is at pains to point out that the device has gone through the most extensive testing. He has tried out the device on his two laboratory mice -- Jago and Clemo -- by showing them rather racey and saucey photos of Sue Barker from the Radio Times, whilst they were wearing scaled-down versions of the device. He states that he clearly saw the evil thoughts being expunged from the mice in the gentle smoke that was emitted from their bodies as they died.

The announcement has caused great excitement in the religious world, attracting considerable interest and advance orders (in the millions) from fundamentalists all over the world, including the Bible belt in the US, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan and Afghanistan, as well as personal orders from a Mr G. Bush in the White House, a Mr Ahmed Dinner-Jacket in Iran, a Mr Oskar Bin Liner in Pakistan, and a Mr L. Shark in Cornwall.

NOONGALLAS SCIENTIST WINS NOBEL PRIZE

SCIENCE NEWS
By Science Correspondent Jan Carew
Renowned Noongallas scientist, Professor Duke Ellington Trewavas, has been awarded the Nobel Prize for Philosophical Physics for his pioneering work on the daftness of brushes. Professor Trewavas, who holds the Chair of Experimental Physics and Natural Philosophy at University College, Relubbus, is credited with finally resolving the age-old question of whether two brushes are dafter than one brush.

The classic view was expounded by Aristotle in 348 B.C., when he argued that, since a single brush was infinitely daft, the combined daftness of two or more brushes could not exceed that of one alone.

This view remained unchallenged for over two millenia until, in the eighteenth century, David Hume proposed the idea of a rocket ship accelerating for ever through space. Over trillions of years (the concept of "light years" was then unknown), as the ship progresses deeper and deeper into space, gradually picking up speed all the while, it approaches nearer and nearer to the edge of the universe. However, as the universe is infinite, the ship can never reach its edge; instead, the distance between the ship and the edge becomes smaller and smaller, until it is infinitesimally small -- and then it becomes smaller still!

Just as one cannot, for any practical purpose, encompass the infinity of the universe, argues Hume, so one cannot encompass an infinity of daftness. It follows that, for any practical purpose, a brush cannot be infinitely daft. If a brush is not infinitely daft, two brushes must be dafter than one brush.

The opposed viewpoints of Aristotle and Hume have divided philosophers for the past two-and-a-half centuries. Now, at last, in his seminal paper On the Daftness of Brushes, Professor Trewavas seems to have resolved the question. Moreover, he has done so by a master stroke of original thinking that turns the question on its head!

We now know, says Trewavas, that the universe is not infinite: it had a beginning (about 14 billion years ago) and may have an end. We know that it is currently expanding. If it is expanding, it was smaller last week than it is this week, and so, at any particular time, cannot be infinite.

If the universe is not infinite, argues Trewavas, nothing in it can possess the "quality of infinity". A brush, for example, cannot be infinitely daft. If it cannot be infinitely daft, it follows that a brush must possess some degree, however small, of intelligence.

This was the breakthrough moment! Having realized that brushes possess intelligence, it was a small step for Trewavas to set up an experiment to measure that intelligence. The real problem, however, was in obtaining the funding to acquire equipment sensitive enough to respond to the microscopically small manifestations of intelligence exhibited by most brushes. The equipment used to detect positrons by the CERN (Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire) particle accelerator, for example, proved to be laughably inadequate. However, Trewavas was not to be denied. He recruited his Enty Gladys to organize weekly coffee mornings until the necessary funds were raised.

It turns out that some brushes are smarter than others. Typically, your average clothes brush is smarter than your average shoe brush. By carefully selecting the types of brush to experiment on, and by fine-tuning his equipment over a period of five years, Trewavas was finally able to arrive at an approximation of the Intelligence Quotient (IQ) of a typical clothes brush -- 0.01 to the minus 327777729 recurring. Having established by experiment that every brush possesses a degree of intelligence, however small, it was a trivial step for Trewavas to produce a mathematical proof that the combined intelligences of any two brushes must necessarily be greater than the single intelligence of either one.

As intimated above, Trewavas's pioneering work has turned the age-old question on its head. It is not whether two brushes are twice as daft as one brush, but whether they are twice as intelligent. It turns out that they are!

MAVERICK TREGESEAL INVENTOR DOES IT AGAIN!

Eliza Polkinghorne (92), the maverick part-time inventor from Tregeseal, has pulled off yet another coup with her latest invention -- the Nuclear Hoover.

This amazing machine doesn't just 'suck up' the dust, it vaporises anything, or indeed anyone, you point it at.

Pictured here on the left, cackling contentedly next to her devilish invention, Eliza manages to stun the scientific world with her recognition and then mastery of laws of physics others have yet to grasp.

The beauty of the device is that it requires no external power source. It is started by hand cranking, which gives rise to subsequent accelerative processes, which swiftly result in beam temperatures of in excess of 3 million degrees Celsius -- hence the vaporisation of all in its path. As Eliza herself says, "You gotta wear gloves when you duh work the thing or you might do yourself sum 'arm!".

Another reason for wearing a stout pair of gloves is the reliance of the device on roughly four pounds of nuclear waste "per burn", as Eliza says, adding, "You dowanna get non' o' that stuff on your 'ands, but you 'ave got to pour un in and stir un up a bit. I duh always use marigolds! First time I used ov un, I didn' wear no gloves. I made pasties afterwards and they pasties was glowin'!"

The device is also quite light to push around, Eliza herself no longer being very strong and only having the one arm free because of her stick.

Although Eliza designed this "Hoover" as a housewives' help to get rid of stubborn dirt, its effectiveness in obliterating all in its path means that she is now besieged with approaches from armed forces from around the world, eager to add this "housewives help" to their arsenal. Its effectiveness in battle has already been conclusively tested by the Relubbus riot police in their engagement with rabble at the disputed Hayle border.

Ernie Upton O'Good, Defence Correspondent

GREY-SQUIRREL-CHESS INVENTOR COMMUTES FROM TANZANIA!

Ben Godrevy-Baragwanath (known as BGB), the mysterious 64-year-old Cornish recluse and inventor, who over the years has confounded the public with the brilliance of his inventions and the outlandishness of his eccentricity, has once more hit the headlines.

Pictured on the left is BGB's holiday home in plush Kisutu Street in far-off Dar es Salaam. This traditional Tanzanian abode is a conscious tribute to local building techniques. However, we are also assured that the habitation lacks for nothing in terms of western standards of comfort, since it benefits from not just one, but two lean-tos, ingeniously set at some distance from one another so that simultaneous occupation will not result in any noisy embarrassments that might deter either occupant from prosecuting the business in hand.

What has mystified BGB-watchers for some time is just how he manages to appear waving before the webcam next to his Tanzanian residence before popping up only minutes later in front of his mansion in fashionable Boswedden Lane in Relubbus.

Now we can reveal the almost unbelievable solution to this puzzle. BGB has explained to the Roundup that he is COMMUTING between Dar es Salaam and Relubbus, using a dematerialisation and materialisation device, which he calls his "Redar", "cos I duh use'n t' get from Relubbus to Dar es Salaam an' back!"

BGB is shown here on the left, wearing a part of the outfit that enables him to "disappear" from one place and "appear" in the other.

Known to the Relubbus and world public as an incredible inventor (he devised, for instance, slug-writing* and grey-squirrel chess**, to name but two of his peculiar, yet fascinating, offerings to the world), he now seems to have surpassed himself by inventing a technology which could put all of the world's airlines out of business overnight. However, the scientific genius has in this, as on previous occasions, absolutely no interest in the business exploitation of his stunning invention.

*Slug-writing involves hypnotising slugs and giving them a secret message, which then emerges slowly in their silver getaway trail.
** The now hugely popular grey-squirrel chess involves the use of "neutralised" and suitably decorated live squirrels as chess pieces, which are then vaporised, instead of removed, in the course of play.
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Is a Laundry career the right one for you?

Trevaskis Laundries are looking for staff! Could this be you? The young man on the left is visiting a Trevaskis Laundromat. Behind the smart-looking machinery is a smart girl, who will get his clothes clean in record time.

Have you got what it takes to be a Travaskis Laundry girl?

The rewards are terrific -- a massive pay cheque of £3 17s 4d per week for a 90 hour week, together with one week's free subscription to the famous Relubbus Roundup and 14 years subscription to the Cornishman or the West Briton. After 30 years, there is the chance to move up higher within the Trevaskis business empire, with the possibility of working, say, on the cheese counter in the Morvah shop, with the usual perk of taking home 2 and a quarter ounces of free cheese a week.

If you look at this and think it could be "you", then hesitate no longer and apply to Trevaskis Enterprises of Long Rock (Industrial Estate) and let your new life begin!

CELEBRITY NEWS

SPOTLIGHT ON YOUNG ZENNOR GENIUS
By Social and Arts Correspondent Elsie Rescorla

Alcibiades Bicycle-Pump, although only 14 years of age, is one of the world's foremost experts on the uses to which nasal dewdrops can be put. He blundered into this field of expertise, whilst assiduously researching the similarities between nasal and rectal polyps, both of which internal excrescences have played a major and upsetting part in his short life so far.

Born to a Zennor family with long traditions in both pig-rearing and sheep-interfering, Alcibiades (who changed his name at the age of 8 years by deed poll from the original Adrian Polkinghorne-Davey) was determined not to let the fleshy outgrowths in his nose and bum interfere with the quality of his life.

A quiet boy, who liked nothing better than to play alone with his blowtorch and his collection of 104 black rats, he always seemed destined for greater and better things. He was from the start, and remains, a keen observer of nature as well as a dedicated experimenter.

At the age of only 6, he published his first book entitled Metastatic Transformation through Flatulence Inhalation, or Harnessing the power of little hot smells. This scholarly tome attracted praise from scientists and educationalists alike as it put across its message -- as the title reveals -- with a crystal clarity appealing to the scientist yet also accompanied by simple statements understandable to any small child.

Now after years of dedicated scientific research -- interrupted only occasionally by "downtime" fun with his rats and blowtorch -- Alcibiades has produced another book full of original research and enlightening findings entitled The Metaphysics of celestial nasal rain -- or the point of a dewdrop.

The book is crammed with interesting hitherto unknown facts about the dewdrop and is arranged in tantalising chapters with more-ish titles such as "The new lubricant"; "Canine nose flow varieties and their use as subtle food flavourings"; "Equine nasal flow and its use in shampoo"; "The human dewdrop and atomic power" as well as the intriguing "Porcine nasal flow -- the new Viagra".

Alcibiades is very modest about his accomplishments and is content to continue his general education at the Relubbus Renaissance Academy in Boswedden Lane. He has already turned down numerous invitations to study at Princeton and Harvard and will, in due course, progress to the prestigious Relubbus International University to become just another of its 30,000 students.

However, it is widely expected that he will quickly progress through undergraduate and post-graduate study to lead research and development in many of Relubbus's ground-breaking projects, in particular the time travel project, on which, with financial backing from mega multi-billionaire retailer RC Oates, he has already made a good start during his summer holidays. He has so far succeeded in sending back several of his rats, one milkman, and a postman to the 21st century BC. He is now working hard to try to bring them back again -- so far without success. However, one must remember that he is only 14 years of age. Another Relubbus "great" in the making.

Issue 17, 3rd December 2007

ALIEN LIFE FORM IS CAPTURED IN BOSWEDDEN LANE!
By Science Correspondent Wee Willy MacTodger

Huge excitement is sweeping like a tidal wave through the global scientific community, as Relubbus scientists have revealed that they have "captured" an alien life form -- a veritable green man.

The picture on the left shows the green man being questioned by Professor Pascoe Trevithick and his attractive young lab assistant, Linda Hollow.

The green man has revealed that his name is "Dxyzhyrzhxd", but he would like henceforth to be known as "Ron". "Ron" referred to the far-reaching fame of Relubbus society, which, magnet-like, has drawn thousands of people to come to live within its borders.

He then went on to say that other worlds -- including his, which is called Glxyrrhyzzidotit -- have heard of the flowering of civilisation which is Relubbus. Ron had taken the decision to leave his home planet and come to live in Relubbus as any other ordinary Relubbus citizen.

Ron was found walking down Boswedden Lane early last Sunday morning by PC Derek Hosking, patrolling on his bicycle.

PC Hosking realised that something was not quite right when he observed that "the gentleman" was not walking so much as gliding over the pavement. He called out and approached the figure, whereupon further closer observation revealed that it had no face, just a head. The total absence of a mouth did not prevent "the gentleman" from speaking, as PC Hosking could hear a voice emanating from it, asking to be taken to the Relubbus men of science.

Professor Trevithick (yes, a direct descendent of he of steam engine fame!) and his attractive young lab assistant, Linda Hollow, were quickly roused from their slumbers and began to examine this stranger from the stars.

Ron appeared to be made from green-coloured knitted material. He had no mouth, no ears, no eyes and no nose. Nor did he have any "tackle down below". Despite the obvious absence of this qualifier for the male gender, the Professor respected the stranger’s desire to be known as Ron.

Both Professor Trevithick and Linda were able to confirm Ron’s ability to speak without a mouth as they could quite clearly "hear" his words/thoughts. Further, despite the fact that he was standing immobile, Linda confirmed that Ron was also executing exploratory caresses upon her person -- such that she soon had to absent herself from the laboratory -- which Ron himself cited as a little demonstration that "I aren’t bent!"

His absence of mouth was mirrored by an absence of any orifice anywhere else on his body. However, this did not prevent Ron from emitting an enormously loud and pungent fart, which caused Professor Trevithick to pass out. He was later rescued by assistants, leaving Ron alone -- immobile and quite content -- in the investigation room.

Ron’s request for asylum is being considered by the Greater Relubbus Urban Council’s powerful Foreign Relations Committee. It is expected that they will agree to his request, but that, given his strangeness, he might be restricted to living in either Hayle or Camborne.
MIXED REVIEW FOR LATEST STAGE GEM FROM TREWIN-CHUDDLEWIT!
By Theatre Correspondent Willy Bender
Yesterday, the pulse of theatrical Relubbus beat faster on the occasion of the first night of the latest work of much celebrated, though controversial, Rosudgeon playwright and plumber, Digby Trewin-Chuddlewit. His latest play is a farce entitled Who ate Megan's goose?

As is usual, the playwright himself took the main part -- that of the lead male, Aubrey Tresidder. The three remaining parts were played by (from the left in the picture) Libby Quick (28) of Wendron, playing Agnes Botterill, Gladys Uren (34) of Heamoor, playing Mary Lutey, and Lavinia Cock (31) of Madron, taking the lead female role of Megan Trevanion.

The hallmark of a play by Digby TC, as he likes to be called, is its sheer unpredictability, together with the apparent unconnectedness of the acts and scenes, a feature on which Poliakoff is known to have drawn heavily. However, the thinness -- indeed absence -- of thematic unity did nothing to dilute the enjoyment of the audience, both of whom laughed hysterically right from curtain up.

The play opens with Tresidder sitting on the toilet -- thinking. We -- the audience -- are allowed to hear Tresidder's mental meanderings, which seem to consist solely of his lustful imaginings involving three ladies. With each of these ladies, he engages in easy and comic banter, but I must confess that, for my personal liking, the playwright has relied far too heavily on double entendres. I believe that I counted the response "That's a hard one" 37 times and even after the third repeat (accompanied always by a knowing look at the audience), it began to lose its comic effect and even began to grate on the mind.

The requirement for each of the ladies to slowly disrobe in front of the audience to the soundtrack of "the Stripper' is an ingredient of any play by Digby TC. I don't intend to be "ageist" in any way when I say that this play was, in that respect, a vast improvement on the previous play, in which all the female parts were taken by nonagenarians. The trim young things in this play were a pleasure to watch and I am sure that the DVD featuring these scenes will sell well.

Libby Quick, in particular, deserves a special mention -- not least because she is my neighbour's daughter. Well done, Libby!

The Tresidder monologue -- which lasted one full hour -- seemed to involve the reading out loud of the Relubbus telephone directory, with pithy comments added when the names are known to Tresidder. I am not sure of the legal position here. Digby TC will doubtless say that it was his character, Tresidder, making the various defamatory remarks, but I doubt that this will wash with the great and the good of Relubbus, whose reputations were thoroughly besmirched, to the great amusement of both members of the audience.

Together with the drama critics of The Times and The Nudist Weekly, I was, as this report must surely suggest, a little disappointed with this latest offering from Digby TC. There were highlights in dialogue, in the revealing dances of the trim young things, and in the even more revealing statements Tresidder made about some leading Relubbus figures, but there was also something tired and formulaic about the "predictability" of the unpredictability. Also, we never did find out who ate Megan's goose!

Willy Bender Theatre Correspondent
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OBITUARIES
RELUBBUS SAYS SAD FAREWELL TO "SOSHUL" POLGLAZE
There was hardly a dry eye in the whole of Relubbus as the time came to bid the final farewell to one of the most colourful characters to have graced the streets of the city. Archilaus "Soshul" Polglaze, who was immensely proud never to have done a day’s work in his long life, died last week at the age of 84 and was yesterday laid to rest in the Relubbus National Cemetery.

Pictured on the left sitting in a chair outside his house in his famous "at rest" position, Soshul liked to observe life. Indeed, those with a long memory will probably recall that this fondness for observation got him into some trouble many years ago when he was apprehended up a drainpipe at St Clare’s Girls School, peering into a shower room while "looking for bats".

Although he did no work himself, he was a very public-spirited man and could even bring himself occasionally to watch other people working. Typical of the generous nature of the man, when he did so, he was unstinting in his free flow of advice as to how they could perform their work a little better.

A man who enjoyed a fine state of physical fitness throughout his life, Soshul was extremely reluctant to jeopardise this state of health through undertaking work of any sort. His sole motivation for so doing was to avoid incurring any sort of injury which might possibly make him thereafter a burden on society. It was, in a curious way, his life’s work to avoid work. It was a mission in which he enjoyed the greatest success.
LAST BLAST FOR "POSTIE" LENNIE LUTEY
Yesterday saw the funeral of much-loved Lennie Lutey of Lanyon Quoit, the postman and amateur trumpeter, who passed away last week at the sadly early age of 62.

Lennie was proud of the contribution he made to society as a postman and was responsible for delivering the post from Newbridge to Nancledra for over forty years.

A resident of Lanyon Quoit, he was an enthusiastic member of the now thriving local silver band, which he founded some 35 years ago.

Together with his partner Eric, Lennie was a very keen keeper and breeder of budgerigars. The pair also built up an impressive model railway track, which included a stretch that came out through the front wall of their bungalow and round the garden -- a feature which proved very popular with all the young lads in the village.

Lennie was never caught and arrested for any misdemeanour whatever. He will be sadly missed by all those whose post he delivered for so many years, as well as by the members of the silver band. A memorial concert is being held for him at Lanyon Quoit village hall next Thursday evening at 7.30 pm.
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MAURICE LA BALGE, BRETON MYSTIC, FORETELLS ALL!

He can read your future as well as you can know your past;
His awesome powers of vision will surely leave you quite aghast:
For none is such a master of the arcane divining arts --
And none has power to release such devastating farts!

Aries You are feeling on top of the world this week. Enjoy it -- it won't last! The police will be coming to arrest you next Tuesday. You will be charged, will not get bail, will receive a prison sentence and, as far as I am concerned, they can throw away the key. It was disgusting -- and how can a duck "lead you on"?

Taurus You will have a chance encounter with a stranger in the Kwop next week. It will lead to wonderful things and you will have his baby. The roof needs attention.

Gemini You have been feeling uneasy for a few days now. Stand up for yourself and do not allow yourself to be led into doing things that you are uncomfortable with. A ginger cat will cross your path on Thursday or Friday. If it is on the Friday, you will have a big lottery win.

Cancer Your insurance claim will be unsuccessful. Keep trying, it will work one of these days. Your 101 year old mother is very ill. I predict that she will not be with us for much longer. Treasure her company.

Leo Wendy makes you feel like the woman you always dreamed of becoming. Next month the operation will take place and it is likely to go well. You should now shave off the beard.

Virgo Your mother is right... he was a basatrd and, though he may have been your first boyfriend, he will not be the last -- there are other fish in the sea. However, now you must concentrate on your GCSEs. Next month you will have confirmation that you are carrying the bastard's child.

Libra You are living life at a helter-skelter pace! Slow down! Take things easy. You will not lose your job. Your health will be good. Yes, your sister will die, but that will only secretly make you happy -- your father's inheritance will now come only to you. However, beware! He will be swept off his feet by a gay milkman, to whom he will want to leave all his money. Killing the gay lover "accidentally" is the only way out.

Scorpio You will be the school's conker champion! Great news, but even better, Linda Penhaligon will let you have a feel "upstairs". Try to avoid a trouser accident while you are exploring Linda's upstairs or you will get hell from your mother. You won't be picked for the school football team next week, but hang in there -- next year you're in!

Sagittarius On Wednesday, leave the house at 7.30 am precisely and walk towards the town clock. In front of the First and Last Inn, you will "bump into" someone who will change your life. There is a path for everyone in this world and, for you, it is the path of lesbianism -- enjoy!

Capricorn The bell tolls for someone -- again -- but it does not toll for you. You have years to go yet. You will next week develop the first symptoms of the bladder problem that will be your constant companion until your death in 14 years time. It would suit you to have a budgie or even a parrot.

Aquarius Sell your house -- realise all your assets -- move to Tasmania! That is where the pages of destiny next turn positively for you. If you remain, loss of wealth, health and reputation is foretold for you. You will be reduced to selling your body outside the Swordfish Inn -- but I for one would not be prepared to pay! Be gone! Flee!

Pisces Pleasant Christmas thoughts are beginning to flood your mind. Your kindly soul turns to preparations to make this a Christmas the children will warmly remember for ever more. However, imprisoned as you are for your misdemeanours as scout leader, you will find it difficult to implement these warm thoughts. The appeal will be unsuccessful -- this time...
'He Roundup -- he visit 'he Spanish Embassy
One of the jolliest ambassadors to the Court of St Piran (the formal name bestowed on the diplomatic community within Relubbus) is without doubt his Excellency Don Javier Pedro de Hacienda y del Cuarto de Caballeros, the Spanish Ambassador. "Don", as he likes to be known, is a scion of one of the most ancient and noble families in Spain and is nothing if not a little eccentric.

"Don" has become a familiar sight in the Boswedden Lane diplomatic district, as he sits in his wooden go-cart, which is drawn at breakneck speed by 73 tame squirrels through the streets of Relubbus.

His eccentricity extends to other matters as well. A keen swimmer, he has been an impassioned supporter of the new sport of underwater billiards (without the use of SCUBA equipment!). Incidentally, whilst playing billiards in this manner, he has managed to achieve a record in underwater gas release (as measured by the size and explosive flammability of the bubble reaching the surface) -- a feat he attributes to his diet of homemade paella.

He is pictured on the left, striking the tambourine he always carries with him and with which he punctuates his every word. On high days and holidays, he replaces the tambourine with castanets.

Don has made a strenuous attempt to understand Cornish culture and the way of life. He spends two days a week working at Warrens Bakery in St Just in order to assimilate the Cornish way. He is involved in a secret project there to develop a paella pasty, which will then be launched in Spain.

Despite his noble birth and privileged background, Don has not been very successful academically, having achieved no qualifications whatever in his native land. Now, he is taking full advantage of his stay in Relubbus to try to rectify all that by attending a course at Camborne Tech, where he hopes to achieve an HND in Technical Drawing and Woodwork.

Don is also an enthusiastic member of the 500 strong Goldsithney Mouthorgan ensemble, which meets every Thursday evening in the Scout hut for rehearsals.

Don is not only a keen participant in Cornish life, he also likes to contribute to it. Using the 300 falcons he has brought with him from Spain, he has founded the Relubbus School of Falconry, which has already attracted two students, Bert and Brenda Polkinghorne.

Although he did have a gay phase whilst trying to become an artist back in Barcelona, Don is insistent that his heart (and indeed any other parts) were not really in it and that he has been happily married to Juanita, "who she is expert in making paella!", for 17 years.

Before we knew it, out time (a whole afternoon) had quickly passed and it was time to leave the embassy and its fascinating inhabitant.

For those with official business, the Spanish Embassy is situated at No 365 Boswedden Lane and is open from 9.00 am till 2.30. After a siesta of 4 hours, it re-opens in the evening and closes at 9.30 pm.
Lonely Hearts -- they need love too

They yearn for someone - just like you.
If your heart’s desire is here today
Then write in fast -- without delay!

Ladies -- meet Keith Trevarnon! He's 47 and is a man with a difference. Ever since a brain injury as a little child, Keith’s language has been restricted to two phrases, which he adroitly stretches to cover all situations. The magic phrases are "Me do peepee now!" and "Are we there yet?" You might think that these linguistic restrictions would have put a brake on Keith’s life, but not a bit of it! He has managed a PhD in psychology and now works as a psychotherapist.

Keith has a 6-bedroom detached house in Goldsithney (no mortgage) and drives both a Porsche and a Volvo Estate. A flamboyant dresser, he is looking for a woman who can match his sense of style and who has achieved a similar degree of success in professional life. A classical music lover, Keith has the Botheras triangle version of all Wagner’s works and would like a woman who will share this love of his. A pipe-smoker himself, he would prefer a woman who does not smoke. Keith is adamant that no scrubbers need apply. Box 4571




Derek Bolitho (36) is a gas fitter from Pendeen. He is Keith Trevarnon's cousin and (as the observant reader will note!) shares Keith's taste for flamboyant dress, but that’s as far as the comparison goes.

Derek has two failed marriages behind him, both of which foundered as a result of his being found "interfering with" with nearby farmyard animals. This aberration has been attributed to his growing up in the countryside in close proximity with farm animals, "which everyone duh find cute, you gotta admit it!"). Ladies will be pleased to note that Derek is convinced that he is over this little weakness now. He is now looking for a cute little lady (he says "no fat tarts") with whom to share the rest of his life. Box 5993



Gwen Bosallow is a 26 year old "working girl" from Tregeseal. The President of the Penwith Prostitutes Collective, she is an assiduous campaigner for the rights of sex workers. It is estimated that there are some 500 working girls in Tregeseal alone. Not liking to bring her work home, Gwen actually works in the square in St Just, taking clients either to Playing Place (by night) or Cot Valley by day.

Gwen is a Sunday School teacher and is an active member of the St Just artists’ circle. Gwen wants a traditional a S'nooster (St Just man) who will be broadminded about her line of work. Box 4321

Loveday Jelbert (22) works in the fruit section of smart, upmarket fruiterer's, Tregenza's, in the Greenmarket, Penzance. She lives with her parents in the sought-after King’s Road area of Penzance. Her mother and father would like her to meet a nice young solicitor or accountant. Escorted to work each morning by her mother and collected in the evening by her father, Loveday has led a very quiet sheltered life, as she has never been allowed out before. Her mother, Alicia, will be accompanying her on all or any dates up to and including the honeymoon, when she will also be joined by her husband, Horton.

Loveday has no interests and has not yet been potty-trained or learned to speak. She is, however, loaded, so men -- do not hang about! Box 5639



Wenzil Tuckbottom (24) is an inventive young man, who is seeking to apply the principles of ballet and mime to every minute of his working day. He has launched his own building and decorating business, called Building Beauty with Flourish, which is seeking to blend gracious movement with utilitarian function. Accordingly his building jobs may cost a little more, but they are performed with beauty (or will be when he gets hired).

Wenzil is looking for a partner -- both in his business and in his life -- to help him in his quest for beauteous life and work. He has designed daily costumes for himself and his partner-to-be -- as modelled by himself in the picture on the left.

Wenzil has not laid down any criteria for his partner-to-be to conform to, merely stating that the right people will apply when they see this advert. ("When he sees this, he’ll know it's for him!") If that is you, then Box 4529 is the one to write to. Wenzil is waiting.



IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• SPECIAL CHRISTMAS EDITION!

• A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL -- FROM THE CHILDREN OF RELUBBUS

• WHO PAID FOR SPARGO'S MADEIRAN LOVE-NEST?

• CHRISTMAS WEATHER FORECAST FOR RELUBBUS

• Getting to know Relubbus -- Why is Boswedden Lane so named?
  

• RELUBBUS CENTRAL BANK ACTS TO QUELL PANIC

• Our socially-responsible Lonely Hearts section

• And much, much more!