OPIE FINDS OIL!

Colonel Zennor P. Opie (57), celebrated Relubbus military man, explorer, tracker and noted animal and human scatologist, is in the news yet again after his return from a successful expedition to the hitherto unexplored and much feared Segh (or Sygh; spellings vary depending on the Kernewek orthography used. Ed.) desert,  north east of Relubbus.  He brings with him astounding news of huge oil finds.

Opie's unorthodox attitudes have led to his growing notoriety throughout his prestigious career.  It all started very young.

As a very young boy, he took a rapid dislike to his left leg.  With an early display of the kind of resolve which was to make him famous, he decided simply to ignore it for the rest of his life.  Holding it up at bended knee, he had paid no further attention to it ever since, much preferring to hop everywhere, thereby earning the nickname 'Oppy' Opie.

This preference for hopping did not disadvantage him in any way.  At school, he regularly won various races from the 100 yards sprint right through to the marathon, all achieved by his dogged and highly spirited hopping on his ever more powerful right leg.

'Oppy's unusual talents have led him to develop other innovative preoccupations, some of which have found enormous and grateful resonance within an appreciative Relubbus public.

A primary example of this can be found in the Sancreed Semaphore Male Voice Choir.  This fine body of men performs well-known songs - in complete and utter silence - using just semaphore to spell out the words. 

'Oppy proudly leads the choir positioned right at the front using his distinctive baritone semaphore style.  Occasionally he stops 'singing' in order to turn to conduct the choir.

The Semaphore Choir has performed all over Relubbus and has even been booked to play at the St John's Hall in Penzance.

'Oppy is also responsible for leading Councillor Billy Spargo's personal bodyguard, which, as pictured here, is an all female squad recruited entirely in and around Prospidnick, where personal loyalty to Spargo is at its fanatical fiercest.

The 120 young ladies, who can apply their make-up in less than one hour, are all trained to kill.  At any one time, 12 of them are on duty to protect Councillor Spargo and to ensure his personal freshness.

Today, after an expedition lasting some 57 days, 'Oppy has emerged - alone - from the dreaded Segh desert.  All 65 of his support camels had sadly perished in the remorselessly parched desert and he was down to his last bottle of water, when his well-known frame was observed hopping - somewhat wearily - out from the sand.

His thrilling news - backed up by painstaking observations and photographic evidence - is that oil abounds in the Segh desert, in places actually forming pools  on the surface.  Experts have already analysed the initial evidence and believe that Relubbus might possess more than ten times the amount of oil found in Saudi Arabia.

Councillor Billy Spargo (109) was unavailable for comment, since he had gone to spend the week on the Maldives accompanied only by his entire corps of bodyguards.

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All next week at the Swordfish Inn, Newlyn!

Bearded Doris and the all-girl Grumbla Ukelele band.

Playing Songs for you  from Yesteryear

As well as the 3-hour 1811 Overture by Dougie Tchaikovsky-Penhaligon

Entrance only 95 pence including FREE drink of Babycham and a bag of pork scratchings!!

TEENAGERS TO VOTE ON RELUBBUS' MOST POPULAR SONG

Youngsters in and around Relubbus will surely be thrilled to have the opportunity of selecting their most favourite popular song at a special Youngsters' Gala night at the internationally renowned Relubbus Panopticon Theatre next Saturday night.

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader Billy Spargo (108) has helped the youngsters by selecting for them eight all time greats from which to choose their favourite song and the eight greats are:

1. I do like to be beside the seaside
2. Goin' up Cambern 'ill
3. I'm Henery the Eighth I am
   
4. Where did you get that hat?
5. Hello! Hello! Who's your lady friend?
6. Hold your hand out naughty boy!
7. It's a long way to Tipperary
8. Waiting at the Church

The songs will be performed by two alternating groups, both well-known to the young Cornish audience - namely The Nancledra Black and White Gay Barber Shop Quartet and the Kkenidjack Kkernewek Kkemmyn Kkaraokke Ensemble (with ever popular organ soloist Onan Weebles).

Smart money in internet betting circles seems to indicate that "Goin up Cambern 'ill" is the runaway favourite.

The event is open to any youngsters between the age of 15 and 21. The Panopticon can accomodate 40,000 people and the event is expected to be packed out on the night.

Girls will sit on the left of the theatre and the boys will sit on the right, whilst the gangway between them will be patrolled by members of the Young Methodist Women's League against 'Goings on'.

Councillor Spargo has asked that the doors be opened at 3.30 pm to let the audience in so that the four hour event will be over in good time to allow the youngsters to get home early to bed for Chapel next morning.

The compere of the event will be the all-time kiddies' favourite Mr Pastry, pictured here far left.

However, everyone is expecting Pinky and Perky to put in an appearance as well to amuse the boys and girls.

The two little piggies seem to have a cult status amongst the young folk of Relubbus.

We asked some youngsters what they thought about this superb entertainment event.


Christine Slut, a 19 year old self-employed 'pole dancer' from Sancreed, said, "Well, it makes a change from walking the streets, so I'm up for it!"


Nigel Botheras, a 20 year old trolley operative apprentice from Pendeen said, "If it means a free bus out of Pendeen, I'm yer man!"


Kerensa Trewhela, a 21 year old 'junya' from the Relubbus branch of the internationally renowned Shelley's Hair and Beauty said, "Luvlee! When all they people duh see my 'air, they might as' me to do theirs too!"

Of course, the Roundup will be there to report on this Youngsters' event of the year.










s

BIG FORTHCOMING VILE EVENT!

The RELUBBUS PANOPTICON theatre is proud to be able to present a two year season of CURT VILE and his 500 strong Kazoo orchestra.

The performances will take place 6 times a day non-stop for the next 730 days (with extra performances over Christmas, New Year and Bank Holidays!!).

Although the PANOPTICON seats 20,000 people at a time, you are advised to book now early so as to avoid disappointment.

Curt, pictured here on the left at the start of his prolific career only 85 years ago, will be conducting all of the shows AND singing all of the songs, which are, of course, his own compositions.

These are just some of the old favourites he will be singing for you:
_______________________________________________________________
I’ve got the time, I’ve got the place, but it’s hard to find the girl, Olivia!

My wife’s friend’s sister’s old blue hat

Just pass me that bucket right now!

What I wouldn’t do - for a woman just like you

My tiepin fell down through the plughole in the sink

And afterwards I shake it three times gently
_______________________________________________________________

Seats - Stalls £150 Circle £250 Dress Circle £450

Curt Vile playing old favourites for the young at heart!!

Concerts sponsored by RELUBBUS AIRWAYS

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RELUBBUS AIRWAYS OFFERS 1 MILLION SEATS FOR JUST £1 ONE WAY!!!!

Air Travel Crisis? What Air Travel Crisis??!! Ryanair – eat your heart out!!

Yes, the next 1 million seats will be sold for just £1 ONE WAY**

RELUBBUS AIRWAYS with its fleet of 10,000 2 seater bi-planes – each manned by a fully-trained pilot and a nurse/stewardess (like the dream craft pictured left) fly all over the world from RELUBBUS INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT and are waiting to whisk you away on the flight of your dreams!

Remember, we fly at heights of up to 1,000 feet in all weathers and so passengers are requested to wear a warm coat, gloves and hat with strap.

Lavish in flight refreshments (a sealed flask of hot BOVRIL and two Jacobs Cream Crackers) are served by our stewardess to each of the two passengers.

For longer flights, such as those to Australia, additional crackers may be made available.

These reduced flights will soon go, so don’t delay, book today!!!!

**Flights back home should be booked with the cheap £1 outward flight to avoid the 750,000% surcharge. Without surcharge, flight back from Newquay just £345, from Paris £12,567 and from Canberra £69,500.

SPARGO SLAMS BLEARS POSTAL PROPOSAL!

Midget maniac speed-freak Hazel Blears, the much-troubled ex-Community Minister in the spiralling UK Brown government, has applied to get a job with the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

She has taken time off writing expenses claims to the Westminster Fees Office to submit a proposal, via megaphone as pictured on the left, to the GRUC, promising to knock 50% off the cost of postal services throughout Greater Relubbus, if the GRUC will give her the job of Minister for Telephony, Telegraphy and Postal services, a job which pays £11,500 per annum plus ‘expenses’.

The proposal, which has the full backing of her consultant psychiatrist, is revolutionary in concept. In fact, the proposal was so stunning that the Council was temporarily lost for words when hearing it.

Many have been perplexed as to how an utterly failed UK ex-Minister could have the gall to apply for a job with the GRUC. However, her psychiatrist has stated that she totally lacks any insight into her deplorable long-term mental disorder, which explains why, no matter what the circumstance, she can always be seen speeding around at her height of 3ft 9 inches off the ground, wearing her trade-mark grin-mask.

The kernel of her proposal rests on tricks she has learnt at the feet of her hero, Tory Blur, in that huge sums of money would be saved by sacking all 14,500 staff of the GRUC postal service and replacing them with 4 pensioned-off postmen from Japan.

Blears had to accept that, whilst huge sums of money could be saved in wages (to pay for her expenses claims), her idea did have several fatal flaws.

The first flaw was that she had located only one Japanese postman prepared to come to Relubbus. Mr Kendo Suzuki (pictured left), an 84-year-old from Nagasaki, has just been released from a 40-year sentence in prison for robbery with samurai swords. Whilst willing to attempt the work, he cannot now walk more than half a mile a day.

Further, whilst he is prepared – indeed eager – to leave Japan, he speaks and reads no English and might therefore have practical difficulties in both sorting and delivering mail unless the letters were addressed in Japanese. This would be a rare occurrence in Greater Relubbus -- or anywhere else in Cornwall.

When Billy Spargo, the redoubtable 104-year-old Chairman of the GRUC, described the proposal as ‘bleddy daft’, the midget Blears squeaked in her excitable Salford singsong, “But, your royal majesty, sir, think of the savings we could make….to spend on other things!”

The assembled Council looked on in sad silence at the pathetic spectacle of the benighted, madly-smiling midget who couldn’t see the job losses for the savings. Blears was swiftly dismissed by the Council and her pleas to have her interview expenses paid (apparently £24,000!!! “I came via Tiffany’s in New York”) were laughed out of Boswedden Lane.

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Come and hear the Boleigh Kami Kaze Electrical String Septet next Tuesday!!

The Boleigh team – all of whom have wills recently prepared by Grasper, Fidget and Swilp, sponsors of this concert – will be performing their arrangement of Handel’s Water Music on Marazion beach in the incoming tide.

As anyone not from Hayle knows, electricity and water don’t mix and therefore, at some stage in the proceedings, things are expected to ‘hot up’ considerably.

Given this little extra in the musical performance, tickets will cost £15 each, half of which will be donated to the Relubbus Fund for Musicians' Orphans.

New members for the Septet will soon be urgently sought and auditions will be held next Wednesday evening at 7.00pm at the “Under the Leg” Hall in Morvah Avenue, Relubbus.

EUROVISION –- SHOCK AFTER SHOCK!

Millions of people are hoping to view the EUROVISION Song Contest, which this year will take place in Moscow.

However, a select few thousand people who have paid small fortunes to attend and ‘be there’ at the event are expected to be furious when they arrive in Moscow, Russia, only to discover that the EUROVISION Contest is actually taking place in the Moscow Stadium in Relubbus, frequently referred to amongst the Cornish cultural cognoscenti as simply ‘Moscow’, as in the phrase “Goin up Moscow tonight, aree?”.

The glittering 90,000 seater Moscow stadium was opened only last year by 104-year-old Councillor Billy Spargo’s pride and joy, his 22-year-old great granddaughter, Tilly Bunt.

Tilly, pictured here on the left wearing clothes, is the well-known burlesque performer who has stormed the far West.

In her 10 month career so far in working men's clubs in and around Crowlas, Tilly has already earned enough to purchase outright a £150,000 estate in St Buryan, as well as a sumptuous £29,000 pad in Adelaide Street, Penzance.

The stadium is shown here on the left in a picture with beautiful Chinese TV reporter, Liu Jingwen.

Liu has come to Relubbus to cover the great event because of the surprise Chinese entry from Mao Ze Dong called “Just Me and my Little Red Book”.

This is believed to be the very FIRST posthumous entry ever in EUROVISION. Precisely how the Chinese will overcome the customary motionlessness associated with being dead is unknown, although experts are expecting a lot of flashing lights on the ‘box’ as well as furious activity from the supporting 150-strong dance troupe. None of the dancers is over the age of 11. This is seen as an attempt to provide a counter-balance to the undeniably deceased state of the ‘singer’.

The Chinese entry is expected to do well because of tactical voting on behalf of the many countries which are looking to China to help pull them out of recession.

However, despite this in-built advantage for the Chinese, all the smart money will be on the late entry from Latvia featuring two Lesbians, Laima and Ludis.

The self-sytyles "Two Lovelies" are singing their own creation Lovegirls’ Lullaby, accompanied by the Riga Harmonica Orchestra of People of Restricted Growth.

This entry is expected to attract a huge loyalty vote from Lesbians throughout the EU, including from certain well-known Penzance guest houses. Bookmakers are now refusing to take bets on the two girls.

What will the result be? Well, wait and see, but you can be sure that the Roundup will be there to report it all for you!!

EUROVISION 2009 QUIZ

You all know who is singing for your own country, but can you guess which countries the following artistes will be representing in Moscow in May? If you get the answers right, you could win a fabulous set of prizes**!!!

Here are the artistes, but which countries do they represent?

Silvia Burlesque-Only is 32 years old, but has only been a woman for the last 12 of those years. She breeds three-legged ferrets as a hobby and is a mistress (formerly, master) of the art of the cigarette roll-up, which is one of the factors that have given rise to her ‘throatily sexy’ voice.

She is particularly proud of her fine thatch of hair, as she went prematurely bald as a man and was obliged to wear a handkerchief to cover this up, prior to the sex-change which caused her capillary explosion.

Her interests are men and ice-cream in that order.

She has a blown-up nude picture of Tony Blair hanging on her bathroom wall. The song she will sing is “Just one cornetto!”


Alphonse Narcose Tea-Cosy is 39 and speaks only French – but which country does he represent?

Some helpful clues are that he dismembers budgies for fun, has an overpowering and disturbing body odour, changes his underwear only once a month (with the aid of a blow torch) and has never owned a toothbrush .

Also, he has never been arrested for murder, but has been detained by police for many other minor transgressions. He has received therapy since 1973 and this has led to the training of his unusual voice, which has been likened to the sound of a chicken being strangled. The song he will be singing is “I picked my nose for you alone!”

“Heinzi” Arschi-Lochi is a 28 year old ‘rainbow person’, who believes that the Eurovision Song Contest 2009 will put him and his country on the map.

Heinzi comes from a family with a long tradition of producing Wurst AND Cuckoo clocks. Like many in his country he went to work in a bank, before the ‘profession’ acquired a reputation considerably below that of child-murderer. He then went to work in a care home, where he learnt yodelling from a 92-year-old inmate called Stefan, with whom he formed a very close, indeed intimate, bond.

Heinzi will be yodelling his entry “I’ll shove that rose up your rozzer, if you shove this tulip up mine!”

This last entry in this week’s quiz is a very tricky one indeed. Here are the clues: the singer (now somewhat deceased, but still in good voice) does not usually sing in a European language and likes to be called ‘the Chairman’.

The Chairman is coy about giving his age or any other personal information, although it is believed that his daytime job is in a restaurant or, possibly, in a laundry. He has been chosen to sing for a country, which is next to a mountainous land and which has a coastline with only a limited sewerage problem.

Accompanying himself on a banjo, the Chairman will be singing a song called “Little Red Book” to the tune of the old Tommy Steele favourite “Little White Bull”.

If you think you know all the answers, just send in to the Roundup your list of correct answers -- with the fee of €100 -- and you will be entered in a draw which could win you the magnificent life-changing sum of Kernewek Angels 5 billion!!!!

Not only this, but you would win the right to a lifetime’s FREE supply of vegetables and toilet rolls from the RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus – together with a FREE Trevaskis Landshark motor car handcrafted for you in Cornwall!!

Entries please – together with entry fee of €100 (in used notes) to:
Sylvanus Penhaul Esq
The Editor
Relubbus Roundup
c/o The Swordfish Inn
Newlyn
Penzance
Cornwall

UPDATE ON MUSIC SCENE IN RELUBBUS

By Dr Dristan Behenna (109)
Professor Emeritus of Contemporary Music at the Relubbus Conservatoire

It is a particular pleasure for me to be asked by the Relubbus press to keep my finger on the pulse of young people’s music. I like youth and its fresh skin, so unlike the dry papery material that clothes my own poor, tired body.

I do remember going to the lavatory in 2005 and, held up by my faithful nurse (Fidgewick, a dear man, despite the leg iron), I directed a weak, and much interrupted, stream of urine into the bowl for what seemed like hours, but which was, in fact, no more than 37 minutes. I remember that moment of achievement as though it were yesterday, but Fidgewick tells me that it was three years ago!

Fidgewick wheels me out to the Relubbus Vinyl Music store twice a week and it is there that I meet the young bloods, who tell me what is all the rage and play their music as loud as they can directly into my ear trumpet, so that I can pick up something of the rhythm.

It once came through so loud and clear one fine summer evening two years ago that I almost lost my blanket with the excitement of it all. Oh the joy! as Lionel’s young hot-blooded hands came near my tired trousers to restore the blanket – my body knew that it would have achieved an erection (O sweet but very distant memories!) had it been just a few decades younger!

But enough of my musings – back to the music of the young people. I can tell you that, here and now, in Relubbus in November 2008:

Skiffle’s all the rage in Boswedden Lane!!

Chas and Mark Sharatt

Little known fact about Mark (on guitar) is that he has absolutely no willy.

However, this does not hold him back in the girl stakes. 76% of females describe Mark as their "ideal man".



Alex Whitehouse, Guitar; John Paul (obscured), Bass; Chas; Marc Sharratt, Washboard; Dennis Carter, Guitar
John Paul is, of course, obscured because of the frightening appearance of this aggressively naturist musician. His unorthodox plucking style seems to excite merely amazement and no outrage. "How does he DO that?" is particularly a question one hears from the envious young men in the audience.

Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers with Billie Anthony & Chas.

This enchanting photo captures the moment when the grand-daughter of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) leader, Billy Spargo, Wendy Spargo, was photographed with the group.

It captures the unspoilt seconds before Wendy ("Windy Wendy") had one of her unfortunate 'accidents' because of the excitement of it all.

Some of the titles sound so daring and exciting – I am surprised that they haven’t yet been banned. Even I have heard of the strict demands of the Methodist fundamentalists ("Drinkon’, dancon’, singon’ – work o’ the dev'l!").

The titles of what is known as the ‘Top Ten’ are as follows:

1) Does your chewing gum lose its flavour on the bedpost overnight?

2) Don’t tell me you forgot to put the cat out

3) I want to work on the buses when I grow up

4) I think that these socks could do a with a wash

5) I left my trousers in the garden hut

6) Did I tell you that I am wearing dentures?

7) I want to share my duffle coat with you

8) I love you almost as much as I love CND

9) I think that those shoes could do with a polish

10) I think that Granpa’s wet himself again

Finally, a picture of some of the young things (average age 24) dancing wildly to No.6.







Even my nose is telling me that I need to be changed now. “Fidgewick, my dear man, you can soon take that peg off your nose, we are heading home for 'changies'."

IT'S SUMMER TIME - VISIT CORNWALL FOR AN UNFORGETTABLE EXPERIENCE

LOOK!! Just seven experiences for you in West Cornwall, which you will find nowhere else!!!!!

AZTECLAND at Carn Brea!!

The Aztecs had a fascinating civilisation, before it was well nigh obliterated by the dastardly cruel marauding Spaniards. Now YOU have the chance to sample something of the magnificent Aztec way of life by visiting AZTECLAND at Carn Brea.

Music and dance was hugely important for the Aztecs. Everyone took part in dances performed especially for the gods, including peasants, so we’ll be giving you a chance at that too.

An Aztec 'orchestra' was usually made of different types of rattles and different types of drums. Specific Aztec instruments were used for specific things. The trumpet sounded long, deep notes while the percussion created hypnotic rhythms. The big temple drums could be heard for several kilometers. Their wind instruments included pan pipes, whistles, and flutes. It was only the priests who had mastered the art of releasing trapped wind with such ferocity that the ‘blast’ could last for anything up to 4 minutes and blow everything out of its path!!

Picture on the left portrays happy visitor, who has learnt that she will be a "Priest for the Day".

The musical experience is a key part of the AZTECLAND experience. You will be allotted a place in a ‘real Aztec orchestra and, by the end of the day, you will be able to play your part in a full scale musical performance which takes place before the daily grand religious ceremony at sundown.

Religion was hugely important to the Aztecs, as was sacrifice. When you pay to enter Aztecland, you are given a numbered pebble. Depending upon the number on the pebble, you will then play the part of either a priest (5 are needed and they will have to pass the wind test)) or a sacrificial victim (500 are needed).

If chosen as a priest, you will be guided by our friendly Aztec helpers throughout the complicated business of mass execution. If you are selected as a sacrificial victim, our friendly helpers will give you handy hints (such as holding your breath) which will help you bear the excruciating pain of having your still-beating heart torn from your chest.

Your death experience will be recorded on DVD for your family’s benefit and that is all included in the unbelievably cheap price of only £134.99 plus VAT (family discounts available at only £135.99 plus VAT per person!!)

NANCLEDRA ADVANCED FLAGELLATION APPRECIATION SOCIETY (NAFAS)

This is a special opportunity available to the curious who would like to know a little more about flagellation, but are too shy to ask.

A 2 day course on “Carry your FLAGE with confidence” is available to true devotees of the gentle art.

Formula 1 Chief Execs are eligible for a discount, if they submit their applications to Helga in German! Others must pay the price - £75 per day.



Gulval Churchtown GIANT TORTOISE ‘Appreciation’ Society

You don’t need to be ashamed anymore. There are other people who get excited by this photo. In the Cricketer’s Arms at Gulval, you can relax over a beer – or two - and discuss your little weakness and then repair to a shed for a dreamily close encounter of a Giant Tortoise kind – all for a daily fee of just £245.99 plus VAT.


The Long Rock ‘NAME THAT SMELL’ Experience

Enrol for a five day course and emerge just 9 days later as a veritable expert in smells of every kind.

You will be tutored by Long Rock’s “Mr Smell” and winner of the 1973 Goldsithney Open Petard Competition, Matthew Trembath, pictured here helping to acquaint new course members with their own smell, using the renowned ‘sniff your armpit method’.

The "Name that Smell" experience costs an amazingly low £1.76 per day.


The Crows an Wra CREATIVE WRITING Holiday course

Led by extremely promising, but as yet sadly unpublished, author, Den Pender, this course will show you how to achieve fame and fortune as a writer.

It is unashamedly pricey – at £5,000 per day for 10 days – but you must ask yourself, whether you can really put a price on talent such as that of Shakespeare.

The answer is, of course, that you cannot and so you need to flock, with the other countless thousands, to Pender’s opulently appointed caravan for tuition.

GETTING CLOSER TO PIGS in Madron

A holiday is a time to discover your inner self. When you go looking, you never quite know what you will find. That is true of Wendy Angwin, who discovered that she has a “thing” with pigs.

There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Wendy now caters for the holidaying public. She has 6 shelters for pig-friendly folk, who would like to spend a night or more cuddling up toa pig.

You can select your own pig – she has two males and three females and a male pig of different orientation called Ben. Hourly sessions are available for as little as £55 Plus VAT. The ever popular 'All nighters' can be yours for as little as £798 plus VAT.

EXCREMENTAL PAINTING in Newlyn

You must remember that you will have to tell everyone that you heard it here first – Excremental Painting.

It is the new thing and no-one is better able to explain it to you than Geoffrey Arsehole, who is the primary exponent of the new painting style, which is taking Newlyn by storm.

The surprising thing is that all the students seem to select the same subject (The Lady on the left)– it is as if there were no better subject for this manner of painting.

You can enrol now for a surprisingly low £5.65 per day (including two!! daily curries to generate the painting material) and Arsehole will share his secrets with you.

PEOPLE IN THE NEWS

The Roundup provides a 'roundup' of people who have been making the big news in West Penwith!
Voluptuous Brenda Rosewarne (27) from Tregeseal, St Just, is not just a go-ahead executive in charge of sheet music for Marshall James' Music in Market Jew Street, Penzance!

In her spare time, she is active in four different sports. Last week she came 8th in the Tregeseal Methodist Church Egg and Spoon Race.

The week before, she managed to secure 3rd place in the Pendeen Open Cross Country 5 mile Hopping (left leg only) race.

Last month, she scooped second prize in the Tremethick Cross Magnifying Glass Ant-frying Speed Contest (frying 356 ants in just 30 minues!).

Yesterday, she topped all her other achievements by coming first in the Sancreed Sack Race (It differs from other such races in that the sack is worn over the head and thus, once one has been spun round the regulation 36 times to achieve disorientation, one has precious little chance of going in the right direction, quite apart from covering the 220 yards in the required 8 minutes). Breathless Brenda was over the moon with her performance, saying "I am over the moon!"

Hankie Penhaligon (41), on his organ on the left, and Ben Dover (39), fully engaged with his instrument on the right, are kitchen fitters by day, but sing proudly for God in the evenings.

The two boys founded the group "Cornish Voices for Jesus" years ago at Mousehole Methodist Youth Club. Now their runaway success with their last hit, "Satan's feet don't smell too good!", has won them the support of the Christian Records Label and bookings from Heamoor to St Buryan.

Mecca Bingo caller, Dougie Botterell (76) has been let off without a caution for "pestering" young innocent Penny Treglown (21). The couple are pictured here together last month at the Mecca Bingo in Penzance, when Dougie called her up for the twentieth time for a special prize.

Penny complained, "the dirty old bugger was jes lookin' down my cleavage". The magistrate, Mr Tommy Botterell (no relation) said, "No one can blame my cousin for wanting to have a look. Have you seen the size of them? She ought to carry a health warning!"




Prospidnick Stage Hypnotist Jacko Clemo (52) has been in the news recently for all the wrong reasons. He originally achieved fame by hypnotising rabbits and getting them to recite medieval poetry and perform other un-rabbit-like acts. He is believed to have achieved the peak of his career some years back, when he hypnotised some grass snakes into thinking they were birds and actually got them to fly!

Now, alas, how the mighty have fallen! He was arrested last week for preying upon the residents of the Gwithian Home for Retired Gentlewomen, having hypnotised them (none of them are younger than 97) into believing that they were the 25 year old inhabitants of a house of ill repute and that he was the sole gentleman they had to entertain.

Gay Cornwall was over the moon at the celebrity marriage in Camborne of Mebyon Kernow Gay Rights Campaigner, Aloysius Landshark (45), "with all the gay gear" on the left, to his chosen partner Ben Dover (28), an unemployed brick-layer from Falmouth.

The happy couple were said to be overjoyed that so many representatives of the Devon & Cornwall Police (Gay division) had turned out to be supportive and perform their synchronised baton-waving routine.

The happy couple will honeymoon at Long Rock for 7 weeks and will then be moving into a caravan near Sennen to begin married life together, with their budgie, "Harold", who is not gay.

RELUBBUS TO HOST BAYREUTH WAGNERFEST!!

By Literary and Theatre Correspondent Emily Bindweed

For the first time in its history, the annual Wagner festival traditionally held at Bayreuth in Germany is to be held in Cornwall -- in fact, in Relubbus. Two productions -- Tristan und Isolde and Der fliegende Holländer (The Flying Dutchman) -- are to be staged in Relubbus.

Speaking at the Panopticon theatre in Boswedden Lane yesterday, the director of the Bayreuth Festspielhaus, Herr Doktor Hans Flick, was enthusiastic about the move:

"Cornwall is the natural place in which to stage Tristan und Isolde. After all, this greatest of European love stories is set here, and it will be a privilege for us to bring the opera back to its roots.

"And our Cornish production of Der fliegende Holländer will be the greatest ever staged! We are going to put it on, at night, at the Minack theatre, on the cliffs above Porthcurno. However, our "killer" ingredient is that we shall wait for a storm force 12 -- hurricane force -- before staging the opera. And, at the climax of the production, we shall have a three-masted "tall ship", with sails torn, be buffeted by the 60 foot waves towards the terrible granite cliffs.

The Minack theatre at night

"Unfortunately, everyone is bound by Health and Safety regulations these days. However, by employing only a skeleton crew of experienced sailors we hope to keep loss of life to a minimum. We shall, of course, have a helicopter from RNAS Culdrose standing by (assuming it is able to fly in these conditions)."

Herr Flick went on to say that it was a little known fact that Richard Wagner visited Cornwall in his youth, as a young merchant seaman on the schooner Holländer. He was wrecked in ferocious seas off Lamorna, rescued by breeches-buoy, and taken to Newlyn, where he met and fell in love with local girl "Shingles" Bodinnar. It was this experience that was his inspiration in writing Der fliegende Holländer.

Richard Wagner as a young merchant seaman