SPARGO SLAMS BLEARS POSTAL PROPOSAL!

Midget maniac speed-freak Hazel Blears, the much-troubled ex-Community Minister in the spiralling UK Brown government, has applied to get a job with the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

She has taken time off writing expenses claims to the Westminster Fees Office to submit a proposal, via megaphone as pictured on the left, to the GRUC, promising to knock 50% off the cost of postal services throughout Greater Relubbus, if the GRUC will give her the job of Minister for Telephony, Telegraphy and Postal services, a job which pays £11,500 per annum plus ‘expenses’.

The proposal, which has the full backing of her consultant psychiatrist, is revolutionary in concept. In fact, the proposal was so stunning that the Council was temporarily lost for words when hearing it.

Many have been perplexed as to how an utterly failed UK ex-Minister could have the gall to apply for a job with the GRUC. However, her psychiatrist has stated that she totally lacks any insight into her deplorable long-term mental disorder, which explains why, no matter what the circumstance, she can always be seen speeding around at her height of 3ft 9 inches off the ground, wearing her trade-mark grin-mask.

The kernel of her proposal rests on tricks she has learnt at the feet of her hero, Tory Blur, in that huge sums of money would be saved by sacking all 14,500 staff of the GRUC postal service and replacing them with 4 pensioned-off postmen from Japan.

Blears had to accept that, whilst huge sums of money could be saved in wages (to pay for her expenses claims), her idea did have several fatal flaws.

The first flaw was that she had located only one Japanese postman prepared to come to Relubbus. Mr Kendo Suzuki (pictured left), an 84-year-old from Nagasaki, has just been released from a 40-year sentence in prison for robbery with samurai swords. Whilst willing to attempt the work, he cannot now walk more than half a mile a day.

Further, whilst he is prepared – indeed eager – to leave Japan, he speaks and reads no English and might therefore have practical difficulties in both sorting and delivering mail unless the letters were addressed in Japanese. This would be a rare occurrence in Greater Relubbus -- or anywhere else in Cornwall.

When Billy Spargo, the redoubtable 104-year-old Chairman of the GRUC, described the proposal as ‘bleddy daft’, the midget Blears squeaked in her excitable Salford singsong, “But, your royal majesty, sir, think of the savings we could make….to spend on other things!”

The assembled Council looked on in sad silence at the pathetic spectacle of the benighted, madly-smiling midget who couldn’t see the job losses for the savings. Blears was swiftly dismissed by the Council and her pleas to have her interview expenses paid (apparently £24,000!!! “I came via Tiffany’s in New York”) were laughed out of Boswedden Lane.

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Come and hear the Boleigh Kami Kaze Electrical String Septet next Tuesday!!

The Boleigh team – all of whom have wills recently prepared by Grasper, Fidget and Swilp, sponsors of this concert – will be performing their arrangement of Handel’s Water Music on Marazion beach in the incoming tide.

As anyone not from Hayle knows, electricity and water don’t mix and therefore, at some stage in the proceedings, things are expected to ‘hot up’ considerably.

Given this little extra in the musical performance, tickets will cost £15 each, half of which will be donated to the Relubbus Fund for Musicians' Orphans.

New members for the Septet will soon be urgently sought and auditions will be held next Wednesday evening at 7.00pm at the “Under the Leg” Hall in Morvah Avenue, Relubbus.