OPIE FINDS OIL!

Colonel Zennor P. Opie (57), celebrated Relubbus military man, explorer, tracker and noted animal and human scatologist, is in the news yet again after his return from a successful expedition to the hitherto unexplored and much feared Segh (or Sygh; spellings vary depending on the Kernewek orthography used. Ed.) desert,  north east of Relubbus.  He brings with him astounding news of huge oil finds.

Opie's unorthodox attitudes have led to his growing notoriety throughout his prestigious career.  It all started very young.

As a very young boy, he took a rapid dislike to his left leg.  With an early display of the kind of resolve which was to make him famous, he decided simply to ignore it for the rest of his life.  Holding it up at bended knee, he had paid no further attention to it ever since, much preferring to hop everywhere, thereby earning the nickname 'Oppy' Opie.

This preference for hopping did not disadvantage him in any way.  At school, he regularly won various races from the 100 yards sprint right through to the marathon, all achieved by his dogged and highly spirited hopping on his ever more powerful right leg.

'Oppy's unusual talents have led him to develop other innovative preoccupations, some of which have found enormous and grateful resonance within an appreciative Relubbus public.

A primary example of this can be found in the Sancreed Semaphore Male Voice Choir.  This fine body of men performs well-known songs - in complete and utter silence - using just semaphore to spell out the words. 

'Oppy proudly leads the choir positioned right at the front using his distinctive baritone semaphore style.  Occasionally he stops 'singing' in order to turn to conduct the choir.

The Semaphore Choir has performed all over Relubbus and has even been booked to play at the St John's Hall in Penzance.

'Oppy is also responsible for leading Councillor Billy Spargo's personal bodyguard, which, as pictured here, is an all female squad recruited entirely in and around Prospidnick, where personal loyalty to Spargo is at its fanatical fiercest.

The 120 young ladies, who can apply their make-up in less than one hour, are all trained to kill.  At any one time, 12 of them are on duty to protect Councillor Spargo and to ensure his personal freshness.

Today, after an expedition lasting some 57 days, 'Oppy has emerged - alone - from the dreaded Segh desert.  All 65 of his support camels had sadly perished in the remorselessly parched desert and he was down to his last bottle of water, when his well-known frame was observed hopping - somewhat wearily - out from the sand.

His thrilling news - backed up by painstaking observations and photographic evidence - is that oil abounds in the Segh desert, in places actually forming pools  on the surface.  Experts have already analysed the initial evidence and believe that Relubbus might possess more than ten times the amount of oil found in Saudi Arabia.

Councillor Billy Spargo (109) was unavailable for comment, since he had gone to spend the week on the Maldives accompanied only by his entire corps of bodyguards.

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All next week at the Swordfish Inn, Newlyn!

Bearded Doris and the all-girl Grumbla Ukelele band.

Playing Songs for you  from Yesteryear

As well as the 3-hour 1811 Overture by Dougie Tchaikovsky-Penhaligon

Entrance only 95 pence including FREE drink of Babycham and a bag of pork scratchings!!

LOOKING FOR LOVE IN WEST PENWITH

The Roundup believes that there is a lid for every saucepan - however bent - and we pride ourselves on being able to bring together those made for each other.

Is there a voice calling for me?  Violet Pender, who has shot to fame and the top of the table in the West Cornish Parlour Song charts (according to the latest figures released by Marshall James's Sheet Music and Record Shop) has received distant adoration from many for her haunting baritone rendition of "Somewhere a voice is calling".

However, sadly this paragon of pulchritude is herself still looking for love.  Before she commenced her singing career, she was a fulltime self-employed used coin collector, operating out of pockets all over West Penwith.   At 36 and still unmarried, she is averse to all types of shelving and has developed a full social life with a keen interest in jigsaw and crossword puzzles, sudoku, crotch stitch and patience.

She would like to start a family and is still hoping that the 'right sort of man' will come along.  He will be hygienic, over 5 feet tall, have nearly all his own teeth and an income of well over £100k.  Are you calling for her?  Box 1

Ambrose Angwin (29) is a self-trained dentist from Botallack with ambitions to 'tekk ovver' the dental market in Greater Pendeen.  He has been out with a number of women, but is restricted in his choice in that he will only contemplate a relationship with a woman whose name begins with 'Z'. "Tha'sowheneye duh give she a card err a present, Ikkun say iss from A tuh Z!", insists this hopeless romantic.  He has so far found a Zena and a Zelda.  He likes to think of himself as an easy-going jovial sort of guy - someone it is fun to be around.

With as yet very few patients, he makes up his money by working as a mortician's assistant, as he jokes that this way he gets to see his patients again.  He is an accomplished exponent of what he terms 'the silent violin' - an equivalent of the air guitar.  Are you the one, whose name begins with 'Z"?  Box 2

Trainee Assistant hairdresser at a famous St Just salon, which we must not mention here, Andrea Cargeeg is a 21-year-old lovely, having come thirteenth three times running in the Sancreed Miss Beautiful Bespectacled Amputee contest.

Andrea is of a shy and retiring nature, much preferring to communicate with a nod, a shake of the head or a smile, or indeed any gesture which gets her out of having to talk.

Andrea has not had any boyfriends - or indeed any friends - yet.  She would like to start things off very quietly, perhaps over a coffee in the Wimpy bar, Penzance, although you might find yourself having to do all the talking for the first few months.  So, fancy a chat?  Box 3

Experimental, but incontinent, couple are looking for same in the Goldsithney area, both to explore mutual pleasures as well as to swap stories about the thrills and spills of incontinence.  Roger and Maude are a old-fashioned couple in their late twenties, who live together in Maude's mother's garden shed, which has been kitted out to a high specification, including a new tin roof and an electric light.  So they have plenty of private space in which to entertain, provided that people go in in the right order and do not wish to turn around.

Maude is able to conjure up a real feast on the ring burner or, if they are out of gas, can make a nice fish paste sandwich for all to share.

So if you are a broad-minded couple who have left the teenage pad and want to move into Tena pads, Rog and Maudie would like to hear from you.  Box 4

Come play with me!!  Doris Botheras is a young Entrepreneur of the Year from Botallack.  She set up her own business as a car crusher last year, when she decided to turn her 35 stone into a means of earning hard cash.  "I wuz sittinonna fortune!", she says.

Totally unshy about her weight, which she keeps up on a diet of several lard pasties each meal, she is a self-appointed champion of the obese and vehemently opposes the institutional 'weightism'  of the NHS Nazis, whom she accuses of being blatantly 'fattist'.

Doris believes that fat is a lifestyle choice.  If that is your view too and you would like to get to know Doris and find out how she keeps the lard filling from melting in the pasty, then Box 5 is the one for you!

SPORTS NEWS

by special Sports Correspondent Tommy "Balls" Wakfer

LADIES NEED MALE MEMBERS!

There is one thing on which all the ladies of the Badgers Cross Badminton Club (BCBC) would agree - they definitely need male members.

BCBC has a membership of thirty six.  The trouble is that they are all ladies. 

They know that they must woo male players, but their sharply divided opinions on how to achieve this objective have split this once happy club (as one can see from the photo) right down the middle, exposing mutually hostile class divisions.

It all started when Aggie Trembath (31) placed a controversial poster on the walls of the local pub and the cricket club. 

Aggie had designed the poster herself and modelled  it on the iconic first world war Kitchener poster. 

It read "BCBC is all shuttle and no cock.  We ladies need male members!"

When word got out about Aggie's initiative, Letitia Chirgwin (29) was livid and set out to rip down and destroy every one of Aggie's posters.

Says Aggie defiantly, a self-employed pig insemination operative, " I cudden bleeve it, I cudden bleddy bleeve what that hoity-toity stuck-up bitch binangonundun!  Sony bitta fun, inna?  What she aff to go do that fer?"

Says Letitia haughtily, a freelance nasal hair trimmer with her own bike, "When I 'eard what that mentalist slapper dun, I went straight roun' the pub and pulled 'er posters deown!  We aren't all scrubbers 'ere like she!  Kommunasmuck she is!  Whatever she like??!"

Half the club supports Letitia and the other half is solidly behind Aggie.  How will it end?  Will the posters re-appear?  Who can say?  However, the Roundup will follow this gripping story.

THIRD PORTHCURNO CAMP TRAINING CAMP A GREAT SUCCESS!

Gays flocked to the Porthcurno Gay University site from all over West Penwith (especially Sancreed and St Buryan) to take part in the third great outdoor "Camp Training Camp."

Readers will recall that this event started up three years ago in honour of outstanding and pioneering local gay, Trenwith Madron Trembath, who sadly passed away in 2007 at the age of 124.

Mr Trembath achieved early fame by becoming the first man to swim the Atlantic - and back - non-stop,  fortified only by one of his mother's notoriously gargantuan pasties.

Trembath was a keen athlete, rugby player and cricketer.  As a young man in a time when there was precious little understanding for those devoted to a love that dared not speak its name, Trembath was a fearless and proud homosexualist, daringly outspoken about his gayness and defiantly setting up home with Reginald Polkinghorne in 1905 in their own little cottage in Porthcurno.  It was, of course, on the site of this cottage that the Porthcurno Gay University was later built.

The "Camp Training Camp" is a three day event in which young men engage in thrilling outdoor exercise with one another.

The snap on the left shows them in the early morning getting ready to partake in piggy back tournaments.  All jolly good fun designed to raise the spirits and strengthen the muscles.

The event has been very well attended this year with over 2,500 participants, including 40 0fficers from Penzance Police Station.

PC Ben Dover (second from the left, sitting on special friend Roger's shoulders) gushed enthusiastically, "I ebbent nevver 'ad s' much fun!  I'll be back 'ere nex' year fer deffinat!"

AN "ODEUR" IN SANCREED!!

A tingling frisson of excitement has been coursing through the culinary world as word has slipped out that the famed Sancreed-born chef, Archilaus “Odeur” Trudgeon (36) has opened a new venue called simply “Forest Shack” in which to present his latest novel creations.

Pictured here in his old kitchens at Camborne Bus Station where he is rustling up one of his signature innovative creations “Ffarm Ppancakes”, Archilaus has never failed to impress with his ‘out of nowhere’ originality.

A kitchen king utterly devoted to the use of the wholly ‘natural’ in his cooking, he has always strenuously denied simply collecting cow pancakes from farm fields. This is a cheap charge laid at his door by bitter, twisted and jealous competitors of the likes of Oliver, Carlucci, Stein and Smith.

Fiercely proud of his use of what he fondly describes as ‘Nanature’s nunutricious babounty”, which he collects himself, this sensitive culinary craftsman has insisted on always making his own transformative additions to what he sees as the magical gifts of nature.

His ‘Ffarm Ppancakes’, or ‘FfPps’, as they have come to be known by devoted Trudgeon acolytes, who even seek to emulate his pronounciation, have been variously described as chocolatey, gingery, earthy, strong, punchy, chewy and grassy.

However, all devotees agree that it is delicious and well worth the - to a humble Roundup journalist - frankly surprisingly high prices.

Pancake à la Guernsey costs £73, while Pancake à la British White costs £125. Given the cover charge of £20, the service charge of the greater of 10% or £90, the compulsory corkage charge of £25 (whether one drinks or not), it is easy to see that popping in for a Trudgeon Ppancake can be a very expensive exercise.

Trudgeon dining is therefore a matter for the Relubbus elite, amongst whom table places are auctioned, so great is the demand. The rich and famous are now competing to obtain bookings at the exciting new venue.

‘Forest Shack’ is situated in the back garden of Trudgeon’s Sancreed home, not far from his compost heap. Relying, as it does, solely on natural light and ventilation, the new restaurant is the antithesis of the usual haunts of the rich and famous. Typically, Trudgeon has successfully striven, not simply for understatement, but for what he excitedly terms ‘anti-stastatement’.

Diners’ seating is a packing case and the ‘tables’, though now all spotlessly clean, have all seen service before as various parts of farm carts.

The recorded music of Percy Botheras (pictured left), the virtuoso triangle player, rings out from Trudgeon’s wind-up cassette player to help give the ‘Forest Shack’ its unmistakeable Trudgeon ambience.

However, the focus of excitement is rightly on the food. Whilst all the old favourites naturally remain on offer, impatient eyes devour the tantalising names and descriptions of all the new dishes.

Trudgeon will not permit disclosure of the details of any of the new creations – that is a pleasure reserved for paying guests. Further, he vehemently denies that the piles of KFC packing and Sainsbury’s Basic egg boxes at the back of the shack are anything to do with him.

However, some of the delighted diners did admit that they had started their meals with something that looked like a boiled egg, but which tasted excitingly different and every bit worth the £37.50 charged for the starter. Furthermore, the chicken dish – served with some sort of Bovril-flavoured ice cream and priced at £310 per portion – was described as “heavenly”.

The ‘Forest Shack’ has just three tables for four. It is already fully booked until Christmas 2011 with the usual auctions to get the prized bookings in the early months. So, if you start saving now, you too could be dining à la Trudgeon in 2012!!

OBITUARIES: A FOND FAREWELL...

Ethel Batt, the famous ‘songbird of Sancreed’, has passed on at the ripe old age of 104. In accordance with her last wishes, her ashes are to be scattered onto pasties on the Warrens production line in St Just, before they are sealed up and crimped, “so the gift of my voice duh pass direct into the gullet of possible successors.”

In time-honoured fashion (she was originally from Crows an Wra), she has also issued a ‘dying curse’ upon the new Unitary Authority in Cornwall.

Miss Batt was unmarried and leaves her entire estate of £190,000 to her nephew, Cricket (59), an unmarried mortuary assistant from Truro.

Bosvargus Trewern, the former professor of philosophy in the saloon bar of the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn has now sadly taken his last drink, having expired on the Mouzel bus on his way home last Saturday.

Mr Trewern, known fondly by both friends and staff at the Swordfish as “Puddles’, was 79. A man equally at home with a schooner of sweet sherry, a Mackeson or a pint of Watneys Red Barrel, he was only ever known to mix up all three into his ‘special’ after 9.00 pm of an evening and therefore liked to think of himself as a man of bearing, character and sobriety.

Mr Trewern has left his entire estate of £70,000 to 31 year old Swordfish barmaid Nancy Nance, a gift which has caused some raised eyebrows in both Newlyn and Colinsey Road, where she lives.


Wella Donna Jacka, 55, a music teacher, cello solo performer, member of Mount Street Methodist choir and a very popular Guide leader, died last week in a tragic accident, whilst performing her special routine ‘Cello on the cliffs with Wella’ at Lands End.

Always up for a challenge, Miss Jacka continually responded to the call from enthusiastic young Brownies to “sit nearer the edge, Miss!” by moving her seat closer to the edge.

Unfortunately, this proved misjudged when, in the head-nodding fury of a particularly energetic piece, she, together with cello and chair, disappeared over the edge on to the jagged rocks and crashing waves below. Miss Jacka’s estate of £195,000 passes to her devoted lifelong live-in partner, Hazel Opie (54), a primary School teacher.

The world said farewell last week to Long Rock lothario, Leonard Pricke (61), who choked on his false teeth, which he had forgotten to take out. Leonard, a milkman all his life, was never short of a chat-up line and, although he did not marry, always seemed to have a girl – or, at least, a female - in tow.

Leonard was a man of many accomplishments, all of which he kept well hidden from everyone else. Long Rock children lovingly gave him the name “Pavement Pat”, because he often spent a summer night on the pavement in front of the Mexico Inn after a heavy night.

His last girlfriend, Ruby Dick (52), a trainee prostitute from Nancledra, said of him “Ee was sum lovely man, ee was! Proper gent – ee still ‘ad all ‘is own teeth, though ee never brushed them never!” Mr Pricke leaves his entire estate of £53. 59 pence to the Pendeen home for Non-recovering Dipsomaniacs.

PENSIONERS BLASTED INTO SPACE

The picture shows the moment at the NASA (Neerly Alright Space Agency) launch pad at Cape Cornwall on Friday, when all twelve inhabitants of a Sancreed Old Folks Home were blasted into space aboard a specially-adapted Western National bus, en route for Mars, the Red Planet.

The successful launch was the culmination of years of planning and effort by thousands of scientists at the giant St Buryan Space City.

As the launch was relayed, on giant television screens, to the underground control room on the seventh level of the Space City, jubilant engineers burst into spontaneous applause, hugging each other in delight. Some were so overcome with relief that their years of effort had not been in vain that tears coursed uncontrolled down their faces.

The object of the expedition is to found a colony -- a kind of mini St Buryan -- on Mars. It is hoped that, in time, the colonists (being Cornish) will be able to exploit the vast mineral wealth of their new home. Once mines have been established, it is envisaged that a trading station will be set up, and that wealth will flow back to the "motherland" of St Buryan.

All the pensioners are volunteers who have seized the chance to begin a new life on the Red Planet. When asked why they volunteered for the mission, a majority said -- unaccountably -- that it was because they were bored with life in Sancreed!

As the picture shows, none of the intrepid astronauts -- courageous though they undoubtedly are -- were willing to sit on the open top deck of the bus during lift-off.

To make the expedition possible, two litres of fuel were supplied free by Cornish entrepreneur and philanthropist W.G. Trevaskis, with Trevaskis's arch-rival RC ("Arsey") Oates and the Kwop making similarly generous contributions.

POETIC UTTERANCE – WAKFER-BORLASE SPEAKS!

Celebrated St Buryan poet Walter Wakfer-Borlase (94) is shown here on the left in a photograph taken by Dorlas Penrose, ultraloyal retainer, in a photo-shoot some thirty years ago.

Wakfer-Borlase has achieved international recognition (throughout St Buryan) for his evocative poetry, which is inspired by the Cornwall "to which I duh owe my all".

The great man penned the following poem from his deathbed, following a walk in bracing winds in Porthleven last week.

PEN SANS (Wosgoinoneera?)

I wen’ over Porthlebben las’ week -
Went fer a walk an’ a li’l bit geek.
The sun was sum lovely, but the sea - it was rough
A wind was up – an' we soon ‘ad enuff.

So we all come ‘ome fer a nice cup tay
A nice warming drink at the end of the day.
We come through P’nzance, the Ross bridge still down
Forcin’ the traffic round an’ up through the town.

That set me to thinkin’ ‘ow much ‘ave gone by
No Marchants, no Jacobs – no real reason why.
The town changes shops, like a woman ‘er dress
But I don’t think the changes are all fer the best.

Now i’s all bleddy phone shops – estate agents too --
Cheap shops and trash shops – give me nuthin’ – nor you.
Tregenza’s, Trezise’s – old names and true
Like Andrewartha and Simpsons – served my grandfathers too.

They are all old ‘real’ businesses – source of pride fer P’nzance
Give the town value and character – their names ring of romance.
‘Ow long will it be till these old names go too
And we’re left with just ANYTOWN’s Orange and O2?

The Roundup is saddened to have to report that Walter choked on his badger broth some few hours after dictating this work to his ever-faithful live-in companion and amanuensis, Dorlas Penrose (72).

Amidst uncontrollable floods of tears, Dorlas stated that his ‘beloved master’ would now, at least, no longer have to witness the continued depletion of old Cornish businesses in the town he fondly described as the capital of West Penwith.

ERRATA

The Roundup is justly known for its high standards of journalism, which are the envy of the newspaper industry. However, even we have made the odd mistake.

We apologise unreservedly to the family of Mrs Doris Lutey, whose obituary last week was entitled “Soliciting in Penzance for over 35 years”. Mrs Lutey’s calling is, of course, more properly described as that of a solicitor.

We also apologise to Mrs Lutey herself, who has written in to tell us that she is not yet, in fact, dead. Following extensive negotiations with Mrs Lutey, the Roundup has agreed to pay a sum of £12.50 to the Sancreed Methodist Home for Fallen Women.

PEOPLE IN THE NEWS

Celebrated Newlyn violinist and inventor, Tamsin Oleander Pengelly-Saunders (29), who likes to be known as TOPS, is required to appear before magistrates in Relubbus on a string of charges including causing actual bodily harm.

Not content with her musical career, which has taken her right round West Penwith -- and even for a whole season to the famed Relubbus Hippodrome, which will have netted her a tidy sum adjacent to at least £594 -- she has also been spending time at her Gurnards Head “Small Man Surgery”.

She has invented – and patented – a steam powered ‘developer’, which she claims will help challenged gentlemen “to grow significantly in areas in which significant growth will be appreciated”. Having conducted extensive testing with mice - one of which survived, she came up with 'the answer'.

The evil device in question is pictured on the left.

Her first client, Rodney Clemo (42) of 18 Colinsey Road in Penzance, had grown tired of the relentless belittling he had been subjected to at school and in his job, where, as a fireman, he was required to take showers with other men. He had acquired the nickname “microscope” and had grown heartily sick of the matter. He was therefore only too keen to stump up his life savings of £32,000 to be the first to try TOPS’s patented device, the Begrubulator.

No sooner than he had inserted himself inside the device than he became trapped. The steam built up, the heat built up and in seconds Clemo was in absolute agony. It was only when his firefighter colleagues arrived (to his great and enduring embarassment!) that he could be rescued and ferried to hospital. Clemo is pictured on the left. Whilst bandaging is only required in his nether regions, he has, for shame, insisted on being bandaged from head to foot.

TOPS meanwhile is completely shocked, saying “I am completely shocked!” Police have raided the Gurnards Head premises and confiscated the device. The Roundup will report further on the development of this case.


Denzil Mevagissey (55), a milkman of Tolcarne in Newlyn, is a man whose name is rarely out of the high society pages in West Penwith.

His dress sense is legendary and, whilst he chooses to make little of his innate stylishness (“I jes’ threw it on”), what he wears today is worn throughout Cornwall by the fashionable tomorrow.

He is a patron of the Swordfish Inn, where he likes to take an evening drink between 5 pm and 11pm, at which time he is carried home by loyal retainers and hangers-on. Staff at the Inn are used to its being picketed by fashion photographers -- all eager to be the first to be able to obtain a snap of what the great man is now wearing.

Denzil is a modest man of limited ambitions. At home, he is content with the company of his two budgies, “Pinky and Perky’. No woman is required to give his home a female touch – it relaxes in a permanent and only mildly pungent easy male lassitude.

Denzil does enjoy the comfort he obtains from his roll-ups and the brown-stained fingers of his right hand provide ample testimony to the frequency with which he ‘smokes a choker’.

Now, however, the notoriety of this ‘man of style’ has been elevated yet further by the deathbed confession of his mother, Agnes (94), that Denzil is the lovechild of none other than Lamorna lothario, Uriah “Ukelele” Uren (pictured here on the left - with a banjo - to show his versatility!).

Uren, who died some fifty years ago, charmed his way into the heart of many a young Cornishwoman. Indeed, some geneticists maintain that such was his charm – and his spellbinding speed with his trouser buttons - that he fathered 10% of all the children born in West Penwith between 1948 and 1958, when he died ‘of trouser exhaustion’. Few can deny that there are many folk born in this period who have the traditional ‘Uren nose’.

If so many folk were indeed fathered by the ubiquitous Uren, some may wonder why Agnes should have felt that her experience of a Uren knee-trembler was so different. As Agnes herself claimed, “I seduced ov un, I was the first, I was!!”

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The Sancreed branch of the Methodist Fundamentalist Young Women’s League (Armed Division) has fallen below its desired number of 500 members and is now appealing for young women of a Methodist persuasion to apply for membership. Applicant females are required to foreswear ‘drinkon’, dancon’ and all other works of the devil'. They must be between 18 and 24, be handy with a gun, but must never ever have been within 50 yards of an unrelated male, unless he was dead.

The young ladies spend their exciting evenings listening to Radio Cornwall, assembling and disassembling their guns, making St Piran flags in crochet and knitwear, engaging in light-hearted banter and holding farting competitions. If you are a young lady who fits the bill, and likes the bill of fare, then telephone Morwenna Rosewarne on Sancreed 74562.

PRESIDENTIAL POWER CHANGE!!

All eyes are set upon the Prospidnick Institute of Decorative Patisserie at which, on 20th January 2009, there is a handover of power from the outgoing President, Mr Daftasa Brush to the sparkling new President, Mr By-Rock Hussein O’Barmer.

Located as it is on the grounds of the prestigious Prospidnick American Hospital, the Institute is patronised almost exclusively by Americans. The post of President is therefore keenly fought over by Americans and the Presidential contest is closely watched by Americans around the world.

American television networks are therefore expected to flood into Prospidnick to cover the inauguration of the new President and to broadcast his inaugural address, in which he will outline his vision for the future and his primary goals for the four year term of his office.

The outgoing President did not exactly cover himself with glory during his period of office. He seemed to struggle with the simple things like opening the right doors, holding a book the right way up and walking in a straight line WITHOUT looking like a monkey. He also had great difficulties in controlling his facial muscles and even found speaking a challenge beyond his capabilities on many occasions, when he would seem to invent words, which he then uttered with all the desperation of a pet puppy trying to please.

The Americans are now pleased to be able to rid themselves of this “embarrassment on legs” and turn with fresh hope towards the promise offered by the new President, pictured here at his Prospidnick hideaway with his family. In a nation historically challenged by racial division, he embodies ready-made solutions in his very own persona, as reflected even in his name.

The first element “By-Rock” reflects Methodist fundamental roots, whereas the “Hussein” element plays well with the Muslim community. The last name, “O’Barmer”, is a complex one, which appeals both to the significant Irish community as well as to many in Europe, since Barmer is the name of a German health insurance vehicle. All in all, he seems to present the perfect package.

The guest of honour at the inauguration will, of course, be none other than the Chairman of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Billy Spargo (97) himself (pictured here 30 years ago on holiday in Porthcurno).

Mr Spargo is estranged from his wife and it is believed that he will be accompanied by his new ‘love interest’ Dita von Teese (24), whose months of throwing herself at the great man have eventually paid off.

(The couple met at an anagram weekend in a sauna in Sancreed, where Miss Teese (shown here on the left) revealed that her name was an anagram of ‘Neatest Video’ and that his was an anagram of ‘Pay Big Rolls’. He corrected her by telling her that his name was an anagram of ‘Slob Girl Pay’).

Spargo’s presence means that the event will also be broadcast on Relubbus National Television, RNT or ‘Our Enty’, thereby guaranteeing a global audience of 1,900 million. We are sure that the people of Relubbus will join their great leader, Chairman Billy Spargo, in extending the hands of friendship to the new President and in wishing him every success and happiness.

BEAT THE CREDIT CRUNCH – COME TO BARGAIN CORNER

Following receipt of many enquiries from overseas (in particular, Iceland and Tanzania) we can now confirm that the bargains offered in BARGAIN CORNER may now be purchased by readers from overseas.

It couldn’t be easier. Just email an order to this organ and Mrs Agnes Penberthy, who does the cleaning in the Roundup offices will "parcel ‘n up fer ee" for a small fee of only £74 per item. For a further £76, she will put a stamp on the parcel and take it to the Relubbus Post Office and send it off to you!!

BARGAINS

Baby’s dummy (‘pacifier’ for our many American readers) made of extremely delicate and beautiful hand-blown Sancreed glass. Has a small cut, so reduced to giveaway £17. Email RR or 'phone Molly on Pz 578321

Flip-flops fashioned from local granite - to be secured to feet with strong string (string holes already made in one flip-flop!) – gents – size 12. Only £480 the pair. Email RR or 'phone Mr Rescorla on Paul 7624.

Dried Cowpats!! It is the latest craze in St Buryan!! Use them as a discus in sports competitions. Use them as fuel (yes, beat the credit crunch that way!!). Or wear them as an unusual -- but eye-catching -- hat! Or, do as Mr Angwin of 4 the Terrace does, and eat them, “fer a bit croust!”. They come wrapped in protective aluminium foil. Email RR or 'phone Mr Polkinghorne on St Buryan 7634.

Safe Condoms! If you want to be happy, but safe and sure, then use Mr Polkinghorne’s double-wrapped aluminium foil condoms! Often thought of as useful in the kitchen, Mr Polkinghorne has found a good use for aluminium foil in the bedroom as well! Available in four sizes – 1.“normal”, 2.“a bit larger than normal”, 3.“a bit smaller than normal”, and 4. (the smallest) “why do you even bother, mate?”. Cost is £70 per 100 any size, except size No. 4 (the Goky), which is so popular in Pendeen that delivery there is reduced to only £68 per 100. Email RR or ‘phone Mr Polkinghorne on St Buryan 7634.

5,000 light bulbs (35 watt). Chinese fittings, therefore only £1.50. Email RR or ‘phone Qing Qang Wong on Pz 462812.

Ladies tights (black), with Cornish Chough motif. Only badly laddered on one leg – 75 pence. Email RR or ‘phone Shazzer on Ding Dong 342.

Gentleman’s antique Long Johns – scarcely without stain, even after 72 years – still unwashed, so very well preserved. Email RR or ‘phone Mabel (deceased owner’s daughter) on Tregeseal 7854.

Stone from Penzance beach, believed to be - easily - well over 70,000 years old. Ideally best sold to gullible tripper from Notting Hill or fashionable Hackney. However, owner cannot wait as he has to pay court fines of over £50,000. Therefore prepared to part with this one ounce ‘magnificent study in grey’ for a giveaway £52,000. Email RR or ‘phone Rupert on Newbridge 5621 (be prepared for long wait!).

Pint of urine – believed to be from the last true King Of Cornwall, one Terry of Botallack, and hence over 1,100 years old. This fine relic is now stored in a 2 litre Tesco’s lemonade bottle. No one can guess what magical powers this mysterious liquid can have. However, it is utterly unique – there being no other such Tesco 2 litre lemonade bottle so filled. If you want to possess this piece (sic) of Cornish history and have the necessary £75,000 to purchase it, you must email the RR now or just ‘phone Denis on St Just 4567.

Hearing aid – made of pure finest Irish linen – needs to be clipped around whole head to work well. Only of benefit to the totally deaf- requires car battery – shoulder support required and supplied. Available in purple and green or red and yellow - both only £27,500. Email RR or ‘phone Sally Trumpet on Hayle 456721.

Hearing Dog – fully trained – came top of his class 12 years ago – now sadly deaf himself and hence only 37 pence. Email RR or write (can’t hear ‘phone!!) D Tregear at the Caravans, Logan Rock.

Ladies’ Vibrator – made out of ancient Sapelli hardwood - one extremely careful owner – but contacts blown through overuse - hence vastly reduced price of 11 pence. Email RR or ‘phone Duchess of Cornwall at Highgrove 45612.

COME TO RELUBBUS CHILDREN'S ZOO!

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If you are looking for a fun day out for the kids, then you need look no further than Relubbus Children’s Zoo (RCZ)!!

At RCZ, your little ones can actually get in with the animals, stroke them and touch them and get the sort of experience no other zoo is prepared to offer!!

All the animals on show are Cornish varieties and are perfectly safe for your little darlings.

Just hand your kiddies in to one of our keepers, like gorgeous 24-year-old Beverly (shown here on the left) or 19-year-old Madron, and you can take yourself off for a refreshing cup of tea in our parents’ hut (with Unisex toilet, with new wooden seat, and wash hand basin!).

Your kiddies can spend time with the Sancreed Lurcher and its pups. An unusual Sancreed breed, which is found nowhere else except in Southern Africa, the Lurchers are highly social. They typically emit a piercing high-pitched shriek when they are ripping the flesh from the living things hastily thrown into their compound for meals.

Nervous parents can be assured that children are never admitted to the pound BEFORE meals, only AFTER. This means that their little darlings should always be safe. They will be able to stroke the doggies and play with them without fear of being eaten*.


A particular favourite with the kiddies, is the ‘Mousehole cat’. The RCZ version is admittedly a little larger than the cat usually depicted as the Mousehole cat. Further, it does roar rather than miouw, but, if you can stand the halitosis, it IS a cutie to stroke. All kiddies are asked NOT to pull pussy's tail as he does get more than a bit impatient when the little dears do that and he has been known to scratch rather badly when tormented in this way.

Another animal, which is just a little more dangerous, is the Sennen Rat. Rats in Sennen do grow big, but this one is four times as big as those found in the wild – the pictured specimen is 12 feet tall. The rat pictured here, 34-year-old Carnegie, is the safest of all the rats. He is used to maltreatment, having been beaten about by the wardens ever since he was brought in as a baby. Darts can be obtained from the wardens for use in tormenting Carnegie, but it is very dangerous to use them on the other rats.

However, don’t worry, none of these animals misbehave when Bev is around!!

Entrance is only £15 per kiddie! Come to RCZ!!

* Usually, that is! Children under 2 years old should be accompanied by an older child (and not left alone with Madron).