Issue 4, 4th June 2007

EXCLUSIVE: BLAIR SEEKS TOP JOB AT GRUC!

As many political commentators have suspected, Tony Blair, after giving up the role of Prime Minister is now making his play for the big job -- as globe-trotting Foreign Relations Councillor for Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

The lucky job-holder is not only able to travel -- free -- all over Cornwall and sometimes outside, but also has the benefit of a fully-furnished council flat on Gwavas Estate, with a sea-view only 4 minutes walk away.

Blair’s wife, Cherie, has been seen in Andrewartha’s, Penzance, eyeing up furniture for the flat (paid for by the council). She has also been reported as applying for a job as an assistant solicitor at Harvey’s in Morrab Road. Furthermore, we are reliably informed that the Blairs’ older children have applied for part-time jobs in the area (at Morrisons and the Kwop); this in order to shore up Blair’s local credentials and thus improve his chances of getting the job, for which there is the stiffest local competition.

The bookies’ hot favourite is Jan Trevanion, a granite quarryman from New Mill. A very youthful and sprightly 112 years old, Mr Trevanion has been dutifully waiting for what is commonly viewed as one of the greatest sinecures in the gift of GRUC.

Pictured on the left looking quietly confident, Mr Trevanion tells the Roundup that he has nothing to fear from Blair. "Blair idn local, kent speak Cornish an 'ee abn’t got un ‘ope in ‘ell of taking my job. I was ‘ere first and I aren’t goin nowhere!"

Mr Trevanion’s cousin, Ezekiel, held the job for some twenty years before his untimely death last month at the age of 147. As many believe that you need Trevanion blood to do the job, there will be uproar locally if Blair gets it. The Roundup will be first with the news!

We’re watching you!

Lorry Botheras, "Fats" Hocking and Violet Tregonning (disguised) are expert sleuths employed by the Roundup to sniff out stories.

So whether you’re nattering on the St Just bus, having a bit of chat over the fence, or musing to yourself in the House of Office, just remember we’re on the case.

The Roundup never sleeps -- never misses!

ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE

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GAY RIGHTS -- Should we take them up?

This is a snapshot taken at the St Ives Lesbian and Gay Rights Festival. It depicts one man's, "Winker" Rosewarne’s, attempt to "come out". Winker (49), a single man who lives quietly with his mother, Agnes (93), took advantage of the Festival to reveal his true bent, much to the shock of both his mother and his employers, Andrewartha’s Dairies.

Mr Marchmount Andrewartha commented "Come Monday, that bender’s sacked. I aren’t 'avin 'ee deliver my milk no more."

This kind of outdated homophobic attitude is, of course, entirely unacceptable in the 21st century. Should the Roundup become a campaigning organ for benders’ rights? We want your views!
Local man (98) dies unexpectedly

The Roundup brings you the sad news of the unexpected death of Mr Singlong "Chinky" Hong, who passed away at the weekend. A much-loved local character, Mr Hong was always pleased to be known simply as Chinky to patrons of his restaurant "The Chopped Stick", the first Chinese restaurant to be opened in Penzance back in the 1960s.

He was often heard to say, with a chuckle, "Guiloes no pronounce my name right, betta I say I Chinky!". Chinky was married to the 1956 Miss Halsetown, Catherine Trembath. The couple had no children.

A memorial service will be held at Chapel St Methodist Church on Wednesday at 3.00pm. According to Chinky’s last wishes, no flowers should be sent, but instead donations should be made to the Penzance branch of the Chinese Opium Smokers’ society.
CELEBRITY NEWS
with Court and Social editor Elsie Rescorla
Tregavarah Operatic Society Star adopts Colinsey Road child

Priscilla Rodda, the much-loved opera diva from Tregavarah, has adopted at last!

After fruitless years of treatment at the Bojuthno Trudgen Institute for Artificial Insemination, Priscilla has adopted a child from Maureen Coke, of 31, Colinsey Road, Treneere.

The child, believed to be female, was offered up by Maureen for adoption by Priscilla in exchange for an undisclosed sum.

Planning news:

Lamorna to be used for storage of nuclear waste shock!

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) has struck again with a shock piece of news for picturesque Lamorna (left).

GRUC has signed a £40 million per year deal with the Republic of Ukraine to accept nuclear waste, which will be stored in Lamorna harbour.

Councillor Archibald Coke was unrepentant and unapologetic in giving out the news. "I dunno what they people are complaining about. I’s only a bitta waste. We’ll putten under the sand in the harbour and put a fence up round un. Tourists can hire Geiger counters at 50p a time and do their own measurin'."
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Enquire also about our Firework Special Cremation service, called "The Blaster".

COURT REPORT
By Court Correspondent John Willie Polkinghorne, at Relubbus Magistrates' Court
Parish Council Chairman Terrorises Relubbus

Boy-racer Derek Hustle (63), the Chairman of Wellwhit Parish Council on the Isle of Wight, has been convicted of speeding.

In evidence, P.C. Obed Carne said:

"I clocked 'un 'urtlin' down Relubbus High Street at 32 mph. 'Ee was drivin' one-'anded, and wavin' a bottle of dry white wine in his other 'and. When 'ee got to the end of the street, 'ee did un 'and-brake turn and 'urtled back again. By this time, some ladies 'ad become 'istorical, an' 'Epzibah Pollock's prize sow, Gwennifyr, which 'ad been crossin' the street at the time, 'ad its litter then and there."

In mitigation, Hustle's solicitor explained that Hustle was not used to Relubbus roads. On the Isle of Wight, he said, people thought nothing of driving at speeds up to 35 mph. Just as the Isle of Man is known as "motor bike island", so the I.O.W. has been described as "racing car island", due to its proliferation of high-speed motorways.

Hustle (shown on the left leaving court disguised as a woman) asked for 17 other offences to be taken into account and was sentenced to 60 hours community service. He was also fined £3 and ordered to pay costs of £2.15.

After the hearing, Hustle's wife, Lynne (28), said: "Derek is not a bad man, but he is obsessed by speed."

Appropriately enough, it is understood that the Parish Council of Wellwhit has voted to defrock its erstwhile Chairman.

Proper Job - Cornish for the Non-Cornish
Gunnabuyunaree?
No, this is not an advertisement. This is the Relubbas Roundup’s way of introducing Cornish for the Non-Cornish.

Gunnabuyunaree? = "Are you considering the purchase of…..?"
I aren’t = "No, I am not."
Plumiza? = "Is he a little slow on the uptake?"
Queeriza? = "Is he gay?"
Bumdoee? = "Are you gay?"

Poetry Corner
Kenidjack Poetical, Literary and Philosophical Club
Annual Prize for Poetry in 2007
Awarded to Nellie Boskerris of Nanjizal, for her poem

I duh...

I duh do the washin on Mondays.
I duh go cleanin Tuesdays.
I duh like to stay ome Wednesdays, there’s plenty of cleanin ome to do.

I duh clean up in the back ‘ouse, make sure there’s plenty o newspaper.
Nuthin worse n bein stuck out there at 9 o’ clock on a winter’s eve, done your business, screamin for paper, but no one can ear you for the wind.

I duh gwup town regular for shoppin - buy n fresh and cook n fresh - thas me.

Thursdays I duh go old folks ome to elp out - git a bit a money for un too.
Fridays I duh do bakin and praps gwup town for a bitta geek roun.
Saturdays I’d put on my party frock and d’ go up bingo for a bit laugh.

I’d do these things every week. I’d like it like gat.

Enty May’s Problem Page
Readers are invited to seek Enty May’s benevolent guidance on sensitive matters of the heart, soul, body and human relations in general. In a previous issue, we stated that Enty May had a background of long term psychiatric care. We now understand that she herself received the care, rather than dispensing it. Since her words of advice are greatly valued, we do not regard past severe instability as an impediment to her role in this organ.

Question from Horton Nance (18) of Kelynack:

Dear Enty, I seen our neighbour, Dr Tonkin, mountin' a 'orse. I seenun do it more than once. Ee duh do it whenever 'ee duh think noone’s lookin.

Course I aren’t gunna tell the pleece. 'Owever, I was wundrin 'ow much blackmail money I could ask for to keep quiet?

Enty replies: Well, my bird, you done the right thing cummin' to me. If 'ee’s a doctor, 'ee d earn good money and you can sting 'im good and proper. Charge 'im £50 a month. Course, if you want me to keep quiet, you gotta give me ‘alf or I’ll publish this one in the Roundup.

Question from Liza Treloar (59) of Tregavarah:

Dear Enty, I duh 'ate my mother-in-law. 'Ow can I get rid of 'er fer keeps.

Enty replies: Well, my 'ansome, best way I can think of is t' bake she a nice pasty, but put plenty of rat poison innun. Put enough innun and she’ll be out your way.

Question from Elvia Cock (49) of Nanquidnick:

Dear Enty, My 'usbant says I am now ugly as sin and 'ee duh want to get rid o’ me. 'Ee 'ave now got a girlfrien' – some 22 year old scrubber 'ee picked up down Barn Club. What do I do?

Enty replies: Well, my sparrow, easiest thing fer you to do is t' get Liza Treloar to bake an extra rat poison pasty and giv’un to the scrubber and your 'usbant.

Question from Oliver Addicoat (16) of Heamoor:

Dear Enty, Everyone in my street 'ave got an ASBO ‘cept me. I feel I am lettin' the family down. Wonder what I can do?

Enty replies: Well, my cock, you’re some proper little man thinking about yer family name. Yer mother should be proud of 'ee.

If you want to get your own ASBO, you gotta' get noticed and that might be difficult with so many talented people in your street.

If I were you, I would concentrate on the old folks’ flats. Start off with breaking bottles o’ milk, smasha few windows and work yer way all the way up to explosives through the door. Best a luck, my ansome!

LONELY HEARTS
The Roundup recognises its social responsibilities towards the community it serves in many ways. One of these is by helping unattached folk to meet suitable partners. We hope that the following people will soon meet love’s young dream.

Josiah Tredwin, 39, ("I’m the handsome one on the right!") is a skilled grave-digger and night watchman who has devoted so much time to professional development that he -- like many another professional -- has had little time for meeting the right person.

A shy man with only a slight stammer, he prides himself on personal hygiene and takes a bath at least once every three months. Living alone with his bed-ridden father (87), he needs a woman to help him share the burdens of life.

He is looking for a similarly professional young woman (say a doctor of about 28 years of age) with whom he can share the burden of care for his father and to help him in his practical exploration of the Kama Sutra. "I would like for she to 'ave a car, 'cos I gotta gwin town on the bus at the moment". The authorities have asked us to add that Josiah is fully registered with the Criminal Records Bureau. BOX 4772.

Shazzer Tregwin (24) is a girl who likes to have fun. She lists her interests as Bingo, drinking, fish ‘n’ chips, the Lottery, "all the gossip magazines", experimental sex, shoes, handbags, chocolate, and lingerie.

A shelf-stacker from the Co-op in Newlyn, she would like to meet men, but not all at once -- "a girl’s gotta pace ‘erself!". Shazzer likes to receive "presents" from her men friends and lists £25 as the minimum. BOX 3765.

Archie Woolcock (45) is a local preacher, male voice choir member, and leader of a prayer group in Trelidden.

He runs a youth football team, and is a boy scout leader and Sunday School teacher. He has a job in the dry dock. An only child, he lives at home with his Mum and Dad.

Now that he has started wearing long trousers, he believes that it is time for him to meet girls, but it must be someone of whom his mother fully approves. His ideal woman would look like his Mum -- "a bit younger, of course!". BOX 2024.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• Camilla: shocking revelations!
  

• Henry VIII reincarnated in Penzance!

• Latest on the police search for master Crows an Wra criminal Jimmy "Boots bag" Dash .


• Millionaire Rosudgeon recluse Jasper Behenna's search for a young bride: the truth behind the rumours.
  

• Local doctor in sex scandal!

• Leader of chart-topping St Buryan music combo unmasked!

• Bumper edition of our socially-responsible "Lonely Hearts" section.
  

• And much, much more!
  

Issue 3, May 2007

EXCLUSIVE: POPE TO VISIT RELUBBUS

The Roundup's sources have revealed that, in a bold ecumenical move, the Methodist Council of Relubbus has invited Pope Benedict to visit the city.

The Rev. Bart Peniluna (54) said: "There is absolutely no truth in the rumours that we have invited the Pope in order to assassinate him. On the contrary, our aim is to heal the dangerous schism that currently exists between Rome and Relubbus."

The Pope is expected to fly into Newquay, where he will kiss the hallowed sod of Kernow. He will not, as some have imagined, sail to Kernow, like St Piran, on a millstone.

As part of his hectic schedule, the Pope will conduct an open-air mass at Gwennap Pit. A vast crowd of some tens of people is expected.

MORVAH MAN IN DRAMATIC RESCUE
Dickie Trembath, a 57 year-old single man who works for the South West Water Board, waded out waist-high into the turbulent sea at 7 o’clock last Tuesday morning to rescue an exhausted 89 year-old Miss Gracie Angwin. Dickie, a prominent member of the Morvah Local Men’s Club, had been out camping with friends at Long Rock. He had to get up early to answer a call of nature, when he suddenly heard an agonising call coming from the sea, and ran down to see if he could help.

Gracie, who had escaped from Barncoose late during Monday night in her new battery-powered wheelchair, had managed to shake off all pursuers and high-tail it to Long Rock in order to fulfil her latest ambition -- to swim the Atlantic. However, the wheelchair got stuck in the wet sand. She was unable to get out of the wheelchair unaided and would have been left to the heartless mercies of the incoming tide had not Dickie heard her wailing and rushed out to help.

Gracie was rescued -- tired, a little shaken, but by no means repentant. In fact she remained convinced all would have gone well, if she had taken the trouble to fit the wheelchair with floats. "I 'adden souped up fer speed, but I plum forgot to 'ave they floats put on!", she said later to the Cornishman.

Gracie was later turned over to the reluctant hands of her despairing keepers. Readers may recall Gracie’s dramatic, foiled, attempt at escape last month, to realise her then ambition of kidnapping the pope.

Advertisement Whites of Alverton, Penzance

West Cornwall’s answer to Foyles proudly announces that new stocks of the bestseller “Adventures of Policeman Carne”, price £41.75, have now arrived. This astounding book, fully illustrated with pictures of Penzance in the '20s and '30s, is based on the recently unearthed diaries of “Policeman Carne” himself, who pounded the beats of Penzance at that time.

These are illuminating tales of the tasks of a policeman in a Cornish county town of the '20s and '30s. They portray a picture of a stern, forbidding character who dispenses summary justice to cheeky, unruly boys, who, in defiance of the dreaded Carne, persist in taunting the odd characters of the town and terrorising prim old ladies such as Ethel Batten.

Ayatollah to buy Morvah shock

Waves of horror, fear, tension and suspense have swept the mainly Methodist-populated hamlet of Morvah, as rumours went around that the Ayatollah Mukhmadji was going to buy up Morvah and the surrounding land, with options on the female inhabitants as wives and concubines and on the male population as eunuch farmers.

Police Constable Arnold Uren, after painstaking detective work, finally tracked down the instigator of the rumours as none other than the local Co-op milkman, Wilfie Rosewarne (43), (shown on the left) originally a Camborne man.

Rosewarne, lovestruck with a local woman, thought that such stories might persuade his wavering sweetheart, Edie Harris (48), a Morvah woman and God-fearing Chapel piano-player, into marrying him and settling down with him in his caravan at Eastern Green.

Constable Uren (56), an experienced officer originally from Heamoor, married with two grown up children both locally employed, brought the sheepish Wilfie into the local school to explain his little ruse to the people of Morvah.

Miss Harris was present and broke down in front of the angry crowd, who were restrained from wreaking their vengeance upon Wilfie by the Police reinforcement who had by then cycled in from New Mill to aid PC Uren.

Rosewarne escaped preferring of charges and has emigrated back to Camborne. Mr Ayatollah Mukhmadji (78) (shown left), a resident of the holy city of Qom, was not available for comment here today.

CELEBRITY NEWS
with Court and Social editor Elsie Rescorla

New Headmistress for St Buryan Primary School!
Agnes Uren, 45, has been appointed as the new Headmistress of St Buryan School. Ms Uren is a local woman, who attended the Penzance Grammar School for Girls. She is a keen cyclist, a practising Lesbian and an avid collector of vintage cigarette cards.

Ms Uren and her partner, Elizabeth Berriman, are currently Synchronised Directed Wind (SDW) champions in the South Western League.

ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE

Is a child all you need to complete your marriage? No luck after years of trying?

Look no further. The Bojuthno Trudgen Institute for Insemination (Artificial or Real) has provided a ready answer for couples all over Penzance, and indeed as far as Hayle.

For a fee of £9.75 and a bottle or two, Mr Trudgen (pictured on the left with patient Kitty Nankervis (23) of Gwavas) will be only too pleased to sort you out. Mr Trudgen is the consummate professional and would like to assure that he has never suffered from any STDs.

Knockout Hit for Boskenwal and Tregadgwith Dramatic Society!
Review by Literary Editor Emily Bindweed

Saturday night was yet another huge success for the merged Boskenwal Gay Drama Group and Tregadgwith Methodists’ Young Women’s Drama Group. Now known as "the Queens", the new group is storming round West Penwith, pulling in crowds of sometimes double figures with its own version of An Inspector Calls.

In the picture are shown, from the left, Prudence Pengilly, 25, from Rosemodrass; Ariminta Trenoweth, 29, from Trevorgans; Hester Lawry, 23, from Bosanketh; Jimmy Oppy, 26, from Tregiffian; Berzillai Curnow, 31, from Noonzeras; Samuel Lugg, 32, from Chegwidden; Tamazine Roskilly, 28, from Sparnon; Bathsheba Trezise, 29, from Cardinney and Drusilla Trevorrian, 28, from Bosliven.

Jimmy Oppy, who plays the inspector, has managed to make his stammer an additional and entirely unexpected weapon of suspense, with dramatic pauses of sometimes 10 full minutes between the start of a sentence and its end. Meanwhile, Drusilla Trevorrian has stolen the heart of many a young man in the audience through the floods of tears that precede her frequent announcement that "I kent remember my words!"

What the play lacks in pace and professionalism is more than compensated for by the naked fear of the cast and their visible desperation to simply get to the end. Indeed this fear adds yet another spur of excitement, as one tries to work out which cast member, for it is not clear, is dogged with the incontinence problem that causes puddles to appear around the stage.

The director, Mathew Carkeek (48) of Chyangwens, is hoping to transfer the play to the West End stage. The Roundup will be with them every step of the way.

Liaisons Aventeureuses in Relubbus?

There was an unusual double wedding in Relubbus at the weekend. Shown on the left is Kitty Polglaze with her two husbands, Trevenen Hawke (on the left) and Vinicombe Davey.

Whilst this may seem a complicated arrangement, Trephina Moyle, on the right, goes one stage further in terms of complications. On her left is her husband, Solomon Cock, whilst on her right is pictured her wife, Lucretia Teague.

Relubbus is, of course, famed for its avant garde social experimentation and liberal views in matters matrimonial. The two groups will be living together in a one-up one-down cottage – at No.4 Trewellard Lane in Relubbus.

The Roundup wishes them all every happiness together.

Planning news

New Eurostar Terminus for St Erth

Pictured on the left is the newly-refurbished St Erth Eurostar terminus, which will connect Relubbus to Paris and Brussels.
The new service, which will begin in the autumn, has already caused something of a stir. Each day, there will be five trains from St Erth to both Paris and Brussels. However, the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) has decided that only one train a week will stop at London, obliging London-based travellers to catch the Cornishman down to St Erth to make the connection on to Paris or Brussels.

Watch this space for further developments!
German for Cornish Speakers
As Cornwall County Council recognises its duty to develop good and mutually profitable relations with other countries around the world, the Roundup is keen to support such efforts by helping Cornish folk develop linguistic skills, which will ease communication between them and our European neighbours.

Our German readers should note that this section can also be used to give them the word-perfect Cornish rendering of useful German phrases.

Conversational German Part 1

Wie geht es Ihnen? Awrightaree?

Es geht mir sehr gut. 'Aayss, doin' proper.

Sind Sie Englaender? Englisharee?

Nein. Ich bin aus Cornwall. No, I aren’t. I’m Cornish.

Das ist meine Tochter. Tha’s my little maid.

Sie is aber schoen. She’s sum purty little maid, inna?

Wie heisst sie? Wassa called a?

Sie heisst Brunhilde. 'Er name is Loveday.

Das ist ein schoenes Haus. Tha’s a proper lil 'ouse, inna?

Ja, moechten Sie es kaufen? 'Ess. Gunnabuyun aree?

Vocabulary
Arschloch Tuss
Aussentoilette Backhouse
Bustenhalter One o' they brazier wossnames.
Eigenartige Pastete mit Fleisch, Kartoffeln, Zwiebeln, und Steckrueben Pasty
Mittagessen Bit dinner
Pferd 'Oss
Schuhplattler One o' they weird dences, where they duh slap their ‘eels and each other’s bums.
Spaeter mal Drekkly

Passed Ovver (Obituaries)
Welcome to the ever-popular "'Oo’s Dead?" section of the Roundup!

JOYCE TREVASKIS

The Roundup must sadly report that Joyce Trevaskis has passed on, aged 98. Pictured here in her glory days in the 1930s as Miss Gulval Churchtown, when she still had two legs, Joyce was a colourful character. Never married, she retired only last year from her chosen career of prostitution.

As "the big-hearted pro who never says no", Joycie will be missed by the generations of Gulval men and boys who availed themselves of her generous services. An innovative woman, she operated her own dividend stamp scheme and was one of the first to take credit cards and to advertise on the net.

She also operated a home delivery service and it was whilst speeding down Gulval hill on her bike on such a mission in her early forties that her brakes failed and she crashed badly, losing her left leg. Doughty to the last, she didn’t let this stop her. She became a well-known sight as a one-legged cycling "home delivery" tart, wearing her hallmark feathered hat.

There will be a service of remembrance for Joyce at Gulval Church on Wednesday at 3.00pm. Early attendance is advised if one is to get a seat.

Poetry Corner
A poem entitled "Yesday"
by a pupil of Lescudjack County Secondary School

Yesday, we wen up Gran’s. I ate going up there.

All she duh do is go on about er feet or Mrs Ladner’s leg - yap yap yap.

She duh give us cup tea an sometimes a saffern bun. She duh make er own and they’re alright.

Anyway, yesday was better cos we didn ave to stay in. We went out to play.

I wen up Rosehill wi summa my mates.

We met the Heamoor gang and we ad a fight. Soonas Trev giv their leader, Derek, a bloody nose, they’re off outofit.

We did a bitta mischief in they apple orchards what duh blong to ole man Tresidder and then we cumome fer tay.

Soonas I walk in the door - Wallop from dad! That bugger Tresidder been an gone and told on me. Aren’t appy about that and I’ll get me own back on un.

Philip Trudgeon (14)
YOUR STARS

with Breton mystic Maurice Labalge

He is the mystic who knows what will come
For you, for your neighbour, for everyone!

Aries This month will be better, though not good. There will be a death in the family, but you feel well rid of them. A small (£10) lottery win for you will brighten things up.

Taurus Returning your books to the library, you will bump into Mrs Hollis and have a pleasant natter about this and that. While this is happening, someone will attempt to steal her purse. Armed with the information from this column, you will put a stop to that.

Gemini You will have a wet dream and feel a little embarrassed about it. However, this is just a phase and you will soon get over it, particularly if you are female.

Cancer Wishing to change channels on the television, you will decide not to do so by getting up and walking to the set to press the requisite buttons. Instead, you will use a device called a remote control, which will enable you to make all desired changes without leaving your seat.

Leo You will go for an interesting charabanc ride to Marazion. During this ride, you will see a peacock flying alongside you. At your destination, the peacock will await you. You will discover that it can talk and it will tell you secrets about members of the town council. You can then blackmail them.

Virgo You will walk past a stranger today. You will never know what changes he might have brought to your life, had you only stopped to talk.

Libra Whilst at the hairdresser’s, you will meet other women having their hair done. In talking to them, you will hear about Diane Liddicoat’s affair with the Co-op milkman. You will wonder why the story seems familiar. It is only on the way home on the bus that you remember the words from this column.

Scorpio You have offered to baby-sit for your daughter for three days. Unfortunately, your husband has foolishly arranged for you both to drive via the tunnel for a day’s shopping in France on the third of those three days. Fortunately, this column gives you sufficient advance warning of this near-calamity to do something about it.

Sagittarius Those very weird dreams you used to get about intimacies with groups of meerkats are back again with a vengeance. You are strongly counselled to avoid the Zoo.

Capricorn You are coming up for retirement now and, quite frankly, you have never felt happier. At long last, the time is yours to call your own. You can do anything you like. However, you had better hurry up, as extreme health problems are on the way.

Aquarius You will cut the grass this week and intend to cut the hedge. However, whilst up the ladder you will lean back too much to follow an attractive young lady with your eyes, causing you to overbalance and fall badly, breaking your wrist and narrowly missing puncturing your lungs with the shears.

Pisces Very unusually for this time of year, there will be very bad hailstorms, which could do some damage to the young plants in the garden. Warned by this column, you can transfer the tenderest specimens to the greenhouse for a while. Mrs Roskilly pops around for a chat as she does every Tuesday.
LONELY HEARTS
The Roundup recognises its social responsibilities towards the community it serves in many ways. One of these is by helping unattached folk to meet suitable partners. We hope that the following people will soon meet love’s young dream.

Twice-divorced mother of 8, Tracey Shutter (25) is looking for that someone special to share her love-nest in Colinsey Road, Penzance. Tracey has a wide span of interests ranging from Wicca and 19th century Romantic Poetry to brick-laying and Vietnamese cookery.

As both her previous partners had only one leg, she is particularly looking forward to having a relationship with a man with two legs, if possible. She says "I gotta ‘osepipe out back an I can give the lucky man a colonic irrigation every night if 'ee duh want one!" This declaration can be taken as a simple example of Tracey’s desperate attempt to please.

Since Tracey’s two eldest male children (10 and 9) already have the benefit of ASBOs, it can be taken as read that the State has already recognised the promise within the family. A loving -- preferably two-legged -- partner is all that is required to complete the picture. BOX 1098.

Hannibal Harvey is a real catch! Hannibal (a young 73) lists his interests as whittling wood, laying traps for small animals, making explosive devices, heavy metal music, riding his motor bike (with side-car -- currently unoccupied!) and "keeping 'isself to ‘isself". Never married, never having had a girlfriend (nor, indeed, any friend -- "that business about the spaniel was all lies!") Hannibal is keen to discover the romantic side of his character with a loving woman (or, indeed, anything female). A working fisherman, he offers a bed in the cottage, as much pilchard as you can stomach, and "interesting evenings without the telly", as he doesn’t possess one. BOX 5639.

SPORTS NEWS

VICKERY TO JOIN RELUBBUS

Following weeks of speculation and rumour, reliable sources close to England captain Phil Vickery said yesterday that the World Cup-winner is to join Relubbus RFC in the summer.

Although Relubbus currently play in Cornwall League 2, the club's ambitions are no secret. Yesterday their millionaire backer, Dicky Penwallet, said "Our aim is to win the Heineken European Cup within five years.

"That is why we have already upgraded our stadium to Premiership standards, with a new stand that can hold upwards of 30 people. And our floodlight is state-of-the-art, being powered by a wind turbine on Treluglas moor."

As the news broke, there was an air of barely-suppressed excitement and glee at the club yesterday. The only dissenting voice was that of current tighthead prop Joe Tregeagle (48). The 4 foot 11, 7 stone veteran asked: "Wha's Vickery got that I int? 'Ee's a brer bit bigger than I, granted, but I duh reckon that only slows un down! An' 'ee may be a bit younger, but I got the experience! That gert pack down at Roseland ull eat un for breakfast!"

Vickery was unavailable for comment yesterday.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• EXCLUSIVE: BLAIR SEEKS TOP JOB AT GRUC!

• Nuclear threat to Lamorna!

• Expose of the Roundup's undercover reporters: we tell all.

• Lively report on the St Ives Lesbian and Gay Rights Festival.
  

• Local man (98) dies unexpectedly: we have our finger on the pulse.

• Celebrity News: did famed Tregavarah Operatic Society star Priscilla Rodda "buy" a Colinsey Road child? The Roundup tells all.

• Enty May solves your personal problems.

• "Cornish for the non-Cornish": our popular guide to Cornish "as she is spoke".
  

• Our socially-responsible "Lonely Hearts" section.
  

• And much, much more!

Issue 2, 23rd April 2007

ANOTHER FIRST FOR THE ROUNDUP!
The picture shows Morvah’s first ‘civil partnership’ couple, Douglas Penberthy, and his partner, William Addicoat, in the midst of their attempt at the West Cornwall non-stop piano-playing record (Gays’ section).

Dougie and Willie are well-known characters on the Morvah scene and have spent much of their spare time in charitable acts, one of which has been to build and service a public loo for men in Morvah.

In recognition of their contribution to community life, the Parish Council has voted to pay for a plaque on the door of the gents’ public loo, which is known locally as "the cottage". It will simply read "Dougie and Willie’s cottage."

WEST CORNWALL IN SONG

The Reverend Bartholomew Peninula has been an advocate of the virtues of song for as long as he can remember. He has gathered singing talents from the lengths and breadths of Mouzel and environs to put together a ‘winning troupe’.

Pictured on the right of the Reverend gentleman are Mathew Laity (29) from Bologas, Martin Rodda (32) from Tresvennack, Davey Kneebone (41) from Chyenhal, Derek "Shortie" Semmens (37) from Trereife Smelting House, and Philadelpha Pentreath (71) from Kerris, sporting moustache and standing to the right.

The troupe will enter the West Cornwall singing contest with high hopes of getting through to the All-Cornwall event.




Little lost souls looking for a home

Just released from the Madron home for the criminally insane, Charlie Paynter and Madge Baragwaneth pictured here with their "cheeld" known as the "babby" are looking for a loving home in the West Cornwall area.

With several murders apiece, the deadly duo have caused something of a stir in a number of village communities. However, it is hoped that finding them a home in a larger community such as that of Penzance or Crows an Wra would provide the stability that these young folk need to keep them on the straight and narrow.

Offers of help from good Christian homes will be welcomed and should be addressed to the editor of the Roundup, who will forward them to the authorities.



Young "Woman" seeks position

Jemima Trevithal (24), formerly Michael Bollock, a granite quarryman from Rosecarne, is seeking a position as a lady’s maid to a lady of quality, preferably in the Penzance area.

Jemima describes herself as a realist with a cheerful disposition. "My maither d’say that I got winsome looks and oughtie ave been a young lady an I aren’t going to give up on my dream of being the best in the West as a lady’s maid."

Jemima is hopeful of being taken into a home of gentility, where she can further develop her feminine side to a point approaching some degree of credibility.

Advertisement

Do you suffer from headaches? Do you have piles? Does excessive flatulence plague you in those tender moments of togetherness with the one you would love? Do you spend longer on the toilet than you would like? Do you have to wear incontinence nappies? Does your cat have to wear spectacles? Do you (or your cat) have halitosis? Do you suffer from having insufficient money? Do you have ginger hair?

If you have had to answer yes to any of these questions, then help is at last at hand! Thelonius Polweath-Bergamot's new Elixir promises you a new life!

The famous goatherd and alchemist, Thelonius Polweath-Bergamot (51), working from his eyrie at Mayon Green Crescent in Sennen, has, after many years, succeeded in perfecting a magic Elixir, which will take care of all these problems and more!

The ingredients of the elixir are, of course, a closely guarded secret, but Thelonius assures us that they are all distilled from naturally occurring substances found in the environs of Sennen and his goat compound. There is indeed a distinctly 'goatey' smell to the viscous brown fluid that is the elixir. (When quizzed by our Sennen reporter about the magic ingredients, Thelonius just gazed back from his mesmerisingly droopy eyes and said ...nothing.)

The cost of the Elixir is high at £195 for a 5 cl bottle but, as Thelonius says, "Wha's a few bob, when you're fixin' all they problems?"

Thelonius recommends a course of treatment at a bottle a day for fully seven years before the most difficult problems, such as ginger hair or no money, are completely vanquished.

Note: As the Roundup is keen to ensure that it takes advertising money only from bona fide traders - and from no charlatans - we would be happy to hear from anyone after their seven year course of treatment to assure us of the efficacy of Mr Polweath-Bergamot's Elixir.
Hanging by a thread..?

William Ladner (13), drummer of St Just Silver Band, has begun his annual fund-raising efforts for Comic Relief. William is suspended from a swinging trapeze secured only by the curve of his neck and the fervent hope that he will not drop to his death -- no safety net!

William intends to stay up -- without a break -- for 72 hours and all the while he will be playing drum solos, at 10 pence a time, as requested by the public.

Last year, William raised an astonishing 90 pence for good causes and he is determined to better that achievement this time round. William can be viewed -- hanging precariously -- at the Mousehole Methodist Youth Club from Thursday to Saturday.



Local Tycoon starts Charitable Foundation

Richard Quick, the West Cornwall building magnate, who is estimated to be worth some £35 million, has decided that it is time to share his wealth with the less advantaged in the community. He has started up a new charity called "Quick Money". The needy are requested to telephone the charity on an 0800 number and explain the nature of their need for cash. No call is expected to cost more than £4.50.

Tens of thousands of people are expected to call, since Mr Quick has promised to allot the lucky annual winner one of his homes on a holiday estate in Hayle.

When questioned by the West Cornwall Fraud Squad about certain flaws in the charitable nature of his new undertaking, Mr Quick brushed all criticisms aside with a flick of his cigarette, explaining that as long as someone benefited from the charity (possibly himself, in view of the volume of calls) no one was getting hurt.
Loopy Lesneweth is back in town!

Crowds gathered at the advance ticket office of the Sennen Picture House for the sell-out tour of the man they like to call Loopy Laughing Jack Lesnoweth of Lescudjack. The renowned petard amazes his audiences with his ability to blow out a candle at a distance of 35 feet by the sheer force of wind power. Loopy eats only baked beans and raw onions and likes to think that it is his rigid eating regime which keeps him on top of his game.

By day, Loopy works as a driver for St Erth Creamery. All his earnings from his evening entertainment work go to the Newlyn home for fallen Methodist young women, which explains why his act is strongly endorsed by the ministers of the St Just Methodist Circuit.

The Reverend Horton Bolitho commented that the Lord works in wondrous ways and stated that Loopy had been blessed by a divine wind.





Global Warming -- Watch Out!

Intrepid Cornish Inventor, Joseph Bodruggan from Copperhouse in Hayle, has done it again. Aware that the planet faces its greatest challenge in Global Warming, Joe has applied his restless mind to finding a practical solution.

The answer has come in the form of his "bikodrome". A skilled bike rider is balanced on the drum and peddles like mad. The drum turns, producing an electrical current, which can be made available to the National Grid. Joe’s plan is that every house should have a "bikodrome", powered by an illegal immigrant.

The Roundup is proud to have been able to bring you this story first -- before the Nationals.






New Cub Reporter



The Roundup has acquired a new Temporary Deputy Assistant Cub Reporter in Janner "Mad" Carew. From old Cornish stock, Janner attended the Humphry Davy Grammar School in Penzance. He has worked as a Mortician's Assistant in numerous places, including Northampton, Leeds and the Isle of Wight.

Although resident on the I.O.W, with his maid Marian, Janner has recently invested in a Cornish property to acquire eligibility to work for the Roundup. Sprightly for his advanced years, Janner is eager to get around West Penwith sniffing out stories.

We wish him every success.
Poetry Corner

Missus Ollis’s Cat
by a pupil of Lescudjack County Secondary School

Missus Ollis got a cat -- a ginger one -- called Timmy
I ad my eye on ee you see -- me and my mate, Jimmy.

She let n out jes after tea and we grabbed n as ee slinked past
We tied a banger to is tail and never seen n shift so fast.

Policeman Carne came after we, but we was bleddy smart
Ee walked up past where we was id -- laid still - we eard n fart.

But Missus Ollis tole my Ma and she then tole my Dad
Ee gived me ell and belted me - it never urt so bad.

I aren’t upset or nuthin -- tha’s jes the way it goes
I’ll get that bleddy cat again -- is no skin off my nose.

Philip Trudgeon (14)

Passed Ovver (Obituaries)

Welcome to the ever-popular "'Oo’s Dead?" section of the Roundup!

The first thing that some of our older readers do when they get their hands on their edition of the Roundup is to check up on who’s passed away. This month has seen the usual harvest of the Grim Reaper in the luscious lands of West Penwith and it is with great sadness that we convey the news that the following folk have gone to meet their maker:
Eliza Treloar (86), who lived most of her life as a man (Tommy Treloar, a building labourer with a penchant for sombreros), has died in the Barncoose psychiatric hospital for confused trans-sexuals.

Eliza, as she insisted on being known after her 66th year, had fathered a total of 62 children with 11 different mothers -- all over West Penwith. Amazingly, none of the mothers ever knew of or met any of the others. As he had been a jobbing labourer, it was always assumed that he was "away on a job" and never suspected that he could be away on the job.

Eliza continued working -- as a man -- until his 66th year, when he quit to apply for immediate admittance to the Barncoose hospital, where he swapped his sombrero for a flowing floral flamenco dress and castanets. He never left the hospital once and, when the mothers of his children separately found their way to the doors of the hospital, he denied all knowledge of both them and their children, screaming "I aren’t able to faither no children -- I’m a bleddy woman!"

The funeral will take place at Gluvias Street Methodist Church at 2.00 pm next Wednesday. Mourners will be welcome, but are asked to send no flowers. Instead they should feel free to contribute to the Treloar Abandoned Children’s Fund.

Isaac Trenery (45), a devoted amateur dramatist and much-loved local man, passed away quietly and most unexpectedly at home over the weekend. Mr Trenery worked on the Cheese counter at the Lower Co-op in Penzance since he left Heamoor School at the age of 15. He never married, despite his obvious popularity with the housewives, who were prepared to queue for hours to buy his cheese. He lived quietly at home with his mother and his pet gerbils, Cindy and Celandine. He discovered his dramatic bent rather late in life, becoming, at the invitation of a friend, a member of the West Cornwall Men’s Drama Group. Although he most often took girls’ parts, he did occasionally play men and is seen on the left in his favourite role of Macbeth in last year’s production at Nancledra.

Limpy Polglaze (67), owner of the popular Russian Revolutionary Shoe Shop in Bread Street, Penzance, passed away on Monday Night. Limpy leaves a widow, Agnes, and three adult children.

Limpy was a brilliant and colourful Penzance entrepreneur, who was always on the lookout to corner a market. He started his career by launching the Italian Operatic Fish and Chip Shop in Hayle. Tiring quickly, as he did, with every new idea, he moved on to his next "big opportunity" with the opening of Poseidon’s, his Underwater Bookshop, between Penzance Harbour and Battery Rocks. Losing interest in this venture (along with his entire stock and two staff members) following a bad winter storm, he began his theme of "big winners", a string of retail opportunities with different historical themes. Previous themes have included the Elizabethan Lavatory Company; the Tudor Television Company (featuring the world’s only entirely wooden TV set); Legionary’s, the Imperial Roman bakery and delicatessen; and also Atahuallpa’s, the Inca menswear company.

Limpy, a man unfazed by the fact that his left leg was a good four inches shorter than his right, was contented to the last. His funeral will take place at the Kiev-Pechersk Cave Monastery and afterwards (quite a bit afterwards) at the Truro Crematorium.

Dickie "Banjo" Trevains (54) passes on. Commuters from Penzance Railway station will have been familiar with the sight of Dickie Trevains and his banjo. With only one song in his repertoire, Dickie would go to the Station on his days off from work and pluck away enthusiastically at his banjo to accompany himself singing, in his falsetto voice, his Spice Girls’ favourite "Two become one".

Thought harmless until his unfortunate arrest some years back for exposing himself to passing schoolgirls, Dickie tried his best, despite his characteristic "toppest" top hat, to simply blend in with local society. He came to West Penwith at the age of 22 and worked for SWEB, then St Just Co-op, and finally Morrisons. Never marrying, he leaves his pet pig, Pauline, to the bacon counter at Morrisons.

LONELY HEARTS
The Roundup has been besieged by the unattached of West Penwith to offer an introduction facility. We are pleased to do so in this edition and hope that the young people featured here will soon find the partner of their dreams.

Looking for Love in Tredenneck
Lavinia Barnicoat (23) of Bosliven Lane, Tredinnick is looking for a man to complete her life. Lavinia lives at home with her widowed mother and works at the nearby Chynoweth farm as a labourer. Her interests are cross stitch, Sudoku, line dancing, making home-made candles, tormenting small animals, and music. Her passion is the jew’s harp, on which she can play the flight of the bumble bee at devastating speed. Her dream is to find a Prince Charming with whom she can share a life of luxury in a place like St Just, in a house with an inside toilet. Interested Romeos should reply to Box 3024.


In the mood for romance in Ludgvan

Amelia Lewellian (29) of Ludgvan is a catch for any young man. Only child of dairy farmer Ambrose Lewellian (78), she brings with her the warming prospect of the thriving farm in years to come. Close observers of her photograph will have noticed that, whilst Amelia has a fine head with a fetching face marred only by two hardly noticeable moles, she does lack a body. This has held her back in the courting stakes, as she finds it tricky to engage in any of the activities requiring a body. Ambrose hopes that the "farm’ll swing it. Plenty a boys out there ud luv to git their ‘ands on a farm like gis". Amelia remains hopeful. Box 2037 is the one to write to.


Shy but willing to try
Rachel Lanyon (27), a lap-dancer from Gwavas Estate in Newlyn, is a shy retiring girl looking for a similarly quiet man. She says that he should be of advanced years, poor in health, but very rich. "I aren’t a gold-digger. I duh jest find rich men easier to talk to." Rachel lists her interests as collecting old coins of the realm, antiques, jewellery, and fast cars. Her as yet unfulfilled dreams are to "'ave snails in some posh restaurant in Penzance and to do a bit o dogging at the Taj Mahal in India". Interested men (wealthy and over the age of 85) should write to Box 2047.



Fancy a bender?

Gay plumber, Thomas Nankervis (37) of Treave, is looking for a long term relationship. Tired of playing the gay scene in Treave, Thomas is looking to settle down. His interests are bowls, darts, model railways, collecting bus and train numbers, racing his toy yacht, and cooking and baking. Thomas also plays the triangle in Helston Silver band. Interested males, preferably from Treave, are asked to write to Box 4589.







Doctor looking for love

Dr Richard "Scatty" Botheras (42) is a colourful character on the St Ives social and medical scene. Hating dealing with illness and ailments, Scatty likes to cheer up all those he meets with jolly japes, laughs and fun. "Why worry about the illness that will soon have you dead, just have a laugh and a chuckle with me instead!"

With one of the shorter patient lists in medical history (he only had 52 patients left at time of writing), Scatty is looking for a woman to help him with his burden of caring for the sick in St Ives. Box 4521 is the one to write to.


Are you ready for the Boscobba experience?
Grace "Asbo" Friggens (25), of Penorven Drive, Boscobba, is looking for a brave man willing to give her a second chance. With a series of convictions for unprovoked spontaneous knife assaults on the young men of Boscobba, Grace has been finding it hard to form relationships.

Currently unemployed, it is her dream to find a young man with whom to settle down and make a home, preferably in Boscobba. With a population of just 35, this could be a tall order, as she has seriously injured all the young males currently living in the village. However, she fervently hopes that this serene picture of female pulchritude will lure young males from all around West Penwith. Box 2987 is the one to write to.





The Ladies are back!

Many readers have asked for another picture of the Gwithian Ladies Pedicycle Club. We cannot accede to Mr Bosher Thomas’s request for them to be shown in the nude, but they are modelling the latest in knitted cycle wear -- the next best thing.

Pictured, from the left, are June Beckerleg (26), Mary Hocking (24), Eliza Tonkin (25), Gracie Chellew (29), Martha Tregenza (18) and Faith Kelynack (19).

Since they only have the one bike between them, the ladies are keen to meet men of property in West Penwith, who would be prepared to invest in the Club. (No hanky panky!)

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• Exclusive: Pope to visit Relubbus

• New Eurostar terminal for St Earth
  

• Vickery to join Relubbus RFC
  

• Special "Morvah" feature:
  

• Ayatollah to buy Morvah? The truth behind the rumours.
  

• Morvah man in dramatic Atlantic rescue: we bring you the full story.

Also:

• Celebrity News: a no-holds-barred profile of the controversial new headmistress of St Buryan Primary School.

• Theatrical news: an incisive review of the "Queens"' new production of An Inspector Calls.

• "Passed Ovver": our popular Obituaries section.

• German for Cornish speakers: become bi-lingual!
  

• Literature: A new poem by boy phenomenon Philip Trudgeon (14).

• Our socially responsible "Lonely Hearts" column.
  

• Your Stars: with Breton mystic Maurice La Balge.
  

• And much, much more!