WEST PENWITH ALMOST DEAD POETS SOCIETY

One of the oldest members of the society, who has hitherto never released any of his poems, has now, at the age of 132, given his deathbed permission to publish one of his works.

Jack Bolitho-Batten, pictured here on the left as young man of 21, was an extremely private individual.  A man of very few spoken words and of sombre cast of mind, he worked for 85 years as a mortician's assistant.  He never married, but as this enigmatic poem reveals, he did know love as a young man growing up in the West Cornwall he loved so well.

REGRETS

'Ands up 'oo walked past midnight from Penzance up to St Just.
'Ands up 'oo felt the comfort of dark quiet Cornish night.
'Ands up 'oo looked from Pendeen corner down upon the bay.
'Ands up 'oo didn't fill with wonder walking out that way.

I seen un and I felt un and it was sum smuckin fart:
I seen the sparkling stars and glinting sea,
I seen the shadow geography of West Penwith,
I seen un all laid out 'ere before me.

I wadden the first to clap my eyes on this vocal majesty,
I wadden the first to feel the blonging in my gut.
I wadden the first to feel 'er warmth still in my fingertips,
I wadden the first to see 'er clearly with eyes all shut.

I couldn' wait to go back there and see 'er face again,
I couldn' wait to see the laughter in 'er smiles;
I couldn' wait to touch 'er air an kiss er lips again;
I couldn' wait but 'ad to keep on goin a few more miles.

The time 'ave come to shut the lid on my piano.
The time 'ave come to close the music of my song.
That walk I took at midnight was now a long long time ago,
An' she's no more, my lady love - it all went wrong.

Jack Bolitho-Batten (STBD*)

Alice Chirgwin-Jacka, Poetry Correspondent
* Soon To Be Deceased

GURNARDS HEAD BUSINESSWOMAN TO MARRY ALIEN

Well known local businesswoman, sportswoman and fashion icon, Tamsin Pengelly (31) has surprised the tight-knit local community of Gurnards Head by announcing her intention to marry an alien - from beyond the Tamar and, some even say, from beyond our solar system.

Tamsin, a cheery soul, first came to public attention when she won the 1962 Gurnards Head Secretary of the Year competition, easily triumphing over the other 134 contenders with a prototype tazar gun of her own design.

After working for three years as a secretary in the busy Byelorussian Embassy in Gurnards Head, she left to pursue an entrepreneurial career.

It was the that she conceived of the idea that was to make her fortune - the Knitted Teapot.  Everyone was familiar with the idea of a tea cosy fashioned from knitwear, but she wanted to design a fully functional teapot made - entirely - from knitwear.  Thus began months and months of experimentation with different knitting styles and with different wools.

Every attempt was dismissed by Tamsin's supportive mother Aggie (108) with the despairing judgement "Ee duh look orright, but ee duh leak, my livver! Gwon maid, avenuther go!"

Soon Tamsin became such a frequent visitor to the Penzance Reference Library in her diligent quest for a solution that some people came to believe that she worked there.

Eventually her research paid off when she came across news of an entirely unexpected wool source, which she believed might hold the key to her success.  At first she could not believe her eyes as the description appeared to read as some sort of joke.  It spoke of a five-legged wool-bearing pig from the eastern forests of Poland called the Svinochka.  However, this was no joke, the Svinochka did exist. Tamsin had 100 test animals imported from Poland to Gurnards Head and then made two happy discoveries.

Firstly, the novel pig wool retained hot fluids perfectly and was admirably suited for the purpose of knitting teapots.  Secondly, the Svinochka made excellent kosher and halal bacon.

The rest is history.  Tamsin quickly imported 40,000 more Svinochkas and teapot production took off and rocketed.  There was also a nice little sideline in bacon rashers, which could be exported to Saudi Arabia, because they came from wool-bearing pigs.

Tamsin enjoyed the benefits of commercial success for 15 years and basked contentedly in the warmth of public adulation and new-found wealth.  Then she sold her company for £45 million and retired to focus her attention and great talents on raising the profile of underwater tennis.

This had long been a passion of hers, although she had lacked the time to develop her lung capacity to the extent required to stay underwater for an entire set.  She is shown here on the left during a practice session near Newlyn harbour.

However, it was during training in stormy weather off Lands End that she encountered Zygon, her name for her alien love.  She had been holding her breath under water for 45 minutes and had then passed out.  She was then detected by Zygon, an amphibian alien, who is believed to navigate with a form of echo-location and who happened to be floating past.  He/she/it brought her to the surface.

Being a young lady of honour, she felt compelled to give herself to Zygon as a reward to him/her/it  for saving her life. 

During a press conference held yesterday on Falmouth Promenade, the multi-millionaire businesswoman declared her intention to marry Zygon, once she had found a way of communicating with him/her/it - which is her next big project.

The Roundup will keep you informed of further developments.