NEWS IN BRIEF

Nancy Kelynack (32, and the 2004 runner-up in the Miss Nude Knitter of Zennor contest), who runs her own beauty parlour and solarium at Botallack, is being sued by a number of former clients, who claim damages following the use of Nancy’s home-made solarium. Nancy (pictured) is outraged about these claims, which she says could put her out of business.

She therefore used the propane gas powered device herself for the first time yesterday and says “I kent see what they are on about. I d’ ‘ave a proper ‘ealthy glow now an’ I never liked all that long ‘air anyway. I aren’t givin’ up and I’m goina fight this all the way!”

Carnyorth sees the return of the Kernewek Kemmyn Kaped Krusaders! The dynamic duo have re-appeared in town after locals refused to rename their town “Kkarnyorth” in line with Kemmyn spelling. No one knows who these two really are but their slightly menacing presence has been felt all over Carnyorth.

Only yesterday evening they staged a demonstration outside the prestigious Carnyorth Conservatoire, where Mexican cellist Carlos Prieto was performing Shostakovich’ Sonata in D Minor for Cello, demanding in high falsetto voices that the posters be changed to read “Karlos plays Kello rekital at Kkarnyorth Kkonservatoire”.

The Relubbus Ministry of Justice has been rocked by scandal following the production of incontrovertible photographic evidence that the Relubbus Deputy Acting Justice Minister, Mr Justice Denzil Tregonning (52), has been ‘carrying on’ with a large rabbit.

The two were snapped yesterday in their love nest at the two star Tremethick Cross Warm Goat Hotel by the Roundup’s star photographer April Showers.

Says Showers, “The rabbit, who answered to the name of Rodney, was removing Mr Justice Tregonning’s trousers when they were disturbed by the flash of my camera.” Mr Justice Tregonning’s response, on being asked for a comment, is unfortunately unprintable.

Embarassment is hanging heavy over the staff of the Relubbus International Conference Centre. Having been booked for a whole week by a group calling itself the “International Legion of Superheroes”, staff attention was drawn to an important fact only when the group assembled on the front steps for their final photo at the end of the week.

A young passerby, Tommy Whitehorne (8), observed to his mother “Ere Ma, that man’s willy is ‘angin’ out!”.

The leader of the Dutch group, Henk Knobejakkers (37), stated “Ja, ve are not hiding anyting – ve are de nude Legion of Superheroes – no clothes, just bodypaint.”

Yes, Monty is back - playing for three nights at the Prospidnick Secure Home for Old Flashers. Monty Behenna is famed for his flowing piano playing, which he renders in the style of the late great Russ Conway. Monty (61), who is proud to have all his own teeth, is a local man, having been born and bred in fast-living Rosudgeon.

His piano recitals are always packed out – frequently by men wearing macs. Monty attributes this to the masculine style of play he adopts on the piano.

Music critics attribute his popularity with male audiences to the fact that he is always accompanied by one or more of his ‘nieces’, who, unencumbered by any clothing, interpret his music for him. Tickets are £5 for standing and £15 for a seat.

Relubbus Scientist Ardbit Boscathnoe (65) has invented a device which beats colour-blindness!! Having spent two decades beavering away in his laboratory, wrestling with the symptoms of protanopiac dichromatism – or the inability to see the colour red – Professor Boscathnoe has come up with a device which enables sufferers to see red in 31% of cases.

This breakthrough is causing surges of interest throughout the world-wide dichromatic community. The device is a little heavy and the wearer does need to be supported – and guided. But when they go on sale – even at the price of £29,999 – they are expected to ‘sell like hotcakes’.

ADVERTISEMENTS

LET ME MAKE MONEY FOR YOU!!
Says Relubbus Hedge Fund Manager, Bernie “The Bung” Ripoff

Bernie Ripoff came to Relubbus as a poor economic migrant from Chelsea, a rougher part of London, many years ago. Since then this dazzling magician of the money markets has conjured up a vast fortune for himself (he drives a Ford Anglia with a special 2 litre engine!).

Now he is offering all of you a chance to share in his financial fortunes by buying into his new fund, “Thrift and Theft’. Speaking exclusively to the Roundup from his luxury apartments at the Long Rock Station Railway Coach park, Ripoff said, “Making money in the markets is like taking candy from a baby. It’s like a little theft. So I couldn’t resist using the name in my new fund!”

Ripoff is inviting contributions from as little as 50 pence up to as much as £500,000,000 per person (the maximum since “the punters mustn’t be greedy”, he says). All monies received are invested in his Thrift and Theft Fund, which is guaranteed to bring a return of 500% (after 150 years) to all contributors and their heirs.

Investors are asked to bring cash only and to form an orderly and quiet queue outside Mr Ripoff’s Railway Carriage (the one with windows) on Monday morning at the crack of dawn at around 11.30 am.

SAMPLE THE RED INDIAN LIFE AT ZENNOR!

Chief Dougie “Running Deer” Blewett invites the good folk of West Penwith to sample the true Indian lifestyle at his reservation on Tregeagle farm, Zennor.

Says the Big Chief himself, “We duh offer the real life Indian experience ‘ere an’ you doan ‘ave tuh gw'ovver to Amerikee tuh git ‘a’ bit taste ovun!”

Mr Blewett, a Methodist lay preacher and farmer at Zennor for many years, got a book out of Penzance Library on ‘Red Injun’ life and has opened up the reservation in his back field to help supplement the farm income.

“People what duh com ‘ere get tuh live in one o they teepees fer a night er two and t’ eat a bitta fox. We don’t give they non o’ that firewater stuff, as this ‘ere is a good Methodist ‘ouse’old."

Amusements include a bow and two arrows, chicken feathers galore for headdresses and a little wood for a fire on cold nights. Everything else must be supplied by the guests themselves, who can “make a reservation at the reservation” for just £175 per person per night. Just ‘phone Zennor 495.

WOULD YOU LIKE A NEW JOB IN COMPUTING??

Tremethick Cross Computation offers you a chance to enter the high-tech world of computing and find a job which pays well (£1.71 an hour or an amazing £143.64 per week for a normal 12 hour day seven day week, producing lifetime earnings of approaching £450,000 for the full 60 years!) and sets you up to share in the magical mysteries of the computer age.

Computing is a 24 hour phenomenon and staff are required to work 12 hour shifts. As shown in the picture, there is a men’s section and a women’s section. However, following modern conventions, the one toilet is Unisex (ladies are accordingly asked to lift the lid back up after use!!).

Eat a hearty meal before you come! There is no canteen, since the 3 minute mid-shift break does not really allow much time for eating. That won’t bother you though, since you will be in the queue for the toilet, the automated doors of which close after the 3 minute break.

The generous holiday package includes 1 free Saturday in 7 and offers a further 4 FREE days each year for you to use as you wish (this rises to 5 days after 45 years)

There is a also a compulsory contributory pension scheme, which is managed for Tremethick Cross Computation by Bernie Ripoff. Each employee is required to contribute £100 per week to the scheme, which will result in their receiving (only after completion of 60 years’ contributions) a generous annual pension of £94 payable for as long as you live.

Apply in writing to Mr RJ Polkinghorne, Taskmaster, Tremethick Cross Computations.
Note: For religious reasons, applications from persons with a legal background will not be enetertained!!

YOUNG PEOPLE OF RELUBBUS - GET YOUR MONO HERE!

Picture it now – you are motoring down fashionable Boswedden Lane – the car is at full throttle, whilst you achieve an effortless 13 and a half miles per hour – your passenger slips a gramophone record on to the player and your favourite music is blaring out at 7 decibels, attracting attention from all passers-by, who simply stare – jaw-dropped – as you pass by.

Forget Stereo, your car is equipped with MONO – a single ear trumpet (fitted to the running board) that bellows out sound so that you can hear it even at speeds in excess of 10 miles per hour !!

The passing public will hear it too and think that you are a top hole - not to say spiffing - sort of chap!!

MONO can be fitted to your car by Tonkins of Paul (and Sheffield) for a mere £14,500.

LOOKING FOR LOVE IN RELUBBUS?

We all lead very busy lives these days and some people simply do not get the time to explore society and find ‘the one’ for them. That is where the Relubbus Roundup can make a real difference to your life. In our pages you can advertise to find that perfect soulmate or you can simply browse the entries and maybe – all of a sudden - you will find the right him/her/it looking back at you.

Lucinda Lavinia Liddicoat (27) -- or ‘Triple L’ to her friends -- is a cheery girl, who ‘likes to live it large’. By day she is a conscientious wig-maker, with a special and highly sought-after skill in producing perukes and toupees for bald hamsters. However, as soon as she catapults out of the wig factory in Hayle at 5 pm prompt each evening, she is out for fun, fun, fun. Our photo shows this delightful damsel lining up a few drinks after work for her and her best friend, Tamsin Trevelyan, in the flat they share in Tolroy.

Triple L would like to meet a young man with his own Reliant Robin car (her dream motor). Reluctant to smile because she has no teeth, she would ideally like to meet a toothless young man of her own age. “We’d be equal then, an’ jes’ think of the slobbery snoggin’ we’d ’ave!” If you are a young RR owner with no teeth and would like to give Triple L a go, then ‘phone her on Hayle 56 32 56.

Glorious leggy blonde bombshell Patricia Trembath (25) from up Pendeen, seen here trying to chat up an off duty policeman is a lonely girl! Patricia, or ‘Trishy’, as she likes to be called, is 11 foot 6 ins tall and this has made it difficult for her to make men friends.

Trishy is an enthusiastic, but sadly unaccomplished, trombone player, adores Scrabble and keeps earwigs as pets. Tone deafness does not prevent her from trying to sing and she can often be heard loudly trilling her tuneless drone whilst out and about on the roads of West Penwith, where she has a job as a telegraph pole polisher.

Trishy’s dream is to meet a young man of her own height, preferably from Pendeen. However, suitors from Botallack or even Zennor might also be considered. If this is you then ‘phone Trishy on Pendeen 56 82 13.

Binkie Behenna (22) is an enterprising young lady from New Mill. Although so young, she already runs her own mobile budgerigar insemination, grooming, and burial business, which goes by the name of “Pretty Boy”.

Being a very busy local businesswoman, she does not have the time to explore the ‘local scene’ to find a man. She says, “Looks aren’t important, I’m more interested in what’s inside the man’s trousers than how they look!”

Unlike other one-legged people, Binkie likes to wear a prosthesis rather than hop, but she challenges you to guess from this photo which leg is the falsie! If Binkie sounds like she is the spunky sort of girl you are looking for and you like the cut of her jib, then ‘phone New Mill 65 12 87 (after 6.00 pm).

Huw Dewi ap Rhys (31) is the cultural attaché at the Welsh Embassy in Relubbus. A former male lap dancer from the Swansea docks, he got into working for the Welsh state after doing some private dancing for the Welsh Foreign Secretary, Lydia Thomas-Jones (67). Relubbus is his second posting, having already served in the Welsh Embassy in Bolivia, which he had to leave in something of a hurry, following the circulation of unsubstantiated lascivious stories connecting him to Lucia de Lozada, the 97 year old mother of the leader, Felipe de Lozada, of the UNRSB (the Radical National Socialist Union of Bolivia).

Huw is newly arrived in Relubbus and would like to meet Cornish women of any age. However, he says that he would particularly welcome hearing from young women born in the years from 1908 to 1913. ‘Phone Huw on Relubbus 65 43 91.

Conan Penglaze (74) is a former window fitter from Madron. Conan is an enthusiastic pipe-smoker and gets through 2 oz of St Bruno flake a day. Conan has designed a ‘two-tube’ pipe so that his ‘beloved’, when he meets her, can share the same pipe as him . He has even built in a facility so that the smokers can switch tubes and share dottle, the essence of sharing love for Conan.

Not a man given to many social graces, Conan seeks a woman who can cook, do his washing, attend to his needs and, as he is getting on a bit, who is also handy around the garden. He doesn’t like women who ‘jabber on’. Conan listens to Radio Cornwall all day, and his perfect day consists of sitting in his favourite chair in his long johns enjoying his pipe. If this sounds like the sort of homely man you would like in your home, then ‘phone Madron 64 59 23, being prepared to shout.

Abner Bollock, (43) is a divorced former triangle tuner (now jobseeker) from Prospidnick. Abner used to be married to June, before she left him only six days after they married in 1989, having spent his inheritance in Las Vegas during their honeymoon. Since then he has been trying to pluck up courage to ‘try again’.

Abner lives with his Aunt Dolly in an unconverted barn. Interested females should be aware that Aunt Dolly is a ventriloquist’s dummy and that Abner has got into the habit of long conversations with “Enty” ever since he lost his last job in 1995. Abner says, “The bottom fell out of triangle tuning and now we ‘ave the credit crunch! I aren’t givin’ up yet though – I still got ‘ope!”

Ladies who are drawn to this fascinating beacon of belief in a better world are advised that he has no ‘phone and that they should simply knock the door of the Old Barn, Shite Lane, Prospidnick.

YES, IT'S COMPETITION TIME AGAIN!!!!!!

Readers rejoice!! It is another chance for you, our READERS, to win fabulous prizes!!

Regular patrons of the Relubbus Panopticon will immediately recognise this picture of the fabulously talented Zelda Barncoose (29) of Zennor, playing her zither, while her devoted husband, Jimmy (32), a butcher from St Just, beats out the tune with his hat upon her head.

The all-important question is, "WHAT TUNE IS SHE PLAYING?" The Editor would like, at this point, to insist that Miss Bernice Pierce of St Clare, Penzance, does not write in again (for the 93rd time) to state that the tune is "Camberne 'Ill". The only clue we are giving is that the song is NOT Camberne 'Ill.

So the first step towards winning any prize is guessing which tune Zelda is playing.

Regular readers, especially those from Dar Es Salaam, will be well aware that supplying that one answer will not be enough to win the prizes. No one knows that better than the Editor's 3-year-old niece, Loveday, who has won many of the prizes for the past 6 years. "Prizes", I hear you say, "what might these be?"

First prize this time is nothing less than this sparkling, brand-new 2008 Cornish Avenger car, pictured on the left. Available only in sea-green with pink go-faster stripes, this motor will be the envy of all your friends, equipped as it is with the very latest in gizmos.

We cannot name them all but, for instance, the driver's door has a handle that enables you to lower or raise the window, thus adjusting the condition of the air in the car. We call this "air-conditioning" -- just watch other car-makers imitate it!

In another groundbreaking development, the front windscreen is equipped with a "wiper" which wipes away rain, enabling the driver to motor safely through thunderstorms. So, at a stroke, gone are the days when you couldn't drive in the rain.

In every model of the the Avenger there is also a transistor radio taped to the back window, which is capable of picking up not only Radio Cornwall, but also Radio Caroline, for those of you who like racey music. You can change between the two channels at the flick of a switch, although, of course, you do need a friend in the back seat to flick the switch for you.

Hidden in the glove department is a coin-operated, fruit-flavoured-condom dispenser for the many James Bond moments that are bound to arise in a car of this calibre. The dispenser operates on Lithuanian litas coins and offers three favourite Lithuanian fruit flavours -- blueberry, gooseberry, and loganberry.

In addition to the driver's seat, there is now also an UPHOLSTERED passenger seat, which will provide unheard-of comfort for the little lady in your life!! In the back, the plank has now been planed so that no splinters will ever again give discomfort to your passengers.

The engine is a technologists' dream, representing the very latest in advanced automotive engineering from Trevaskis Motors!! The engine runs on the excreta of the Tasmanian Wolf. This has the advantage that it is very eco-friendly, but labours a trifle under the disadvantage that the Tasmanian Wolf (and hence its droppings) has been in short supply for a good few decades. The lucky winner and driver need have no fears though, as a a full two days fuel (for four miles in total) will be supplied FREE!!.

We could wax lyrical about the Avenger for hours , but must stop somewhere. Suffice it to say that the car boot OPENS, enabling you to use the full 1 foot square space for any luggage you may wish to carry.

Now that you are all salivating with eagerness to own this mean machine, and assuming that you have the correct answer to question one, you need only know the answer to the second question to gain the keys to the Cornish Avenger.

Well, it is not so much a question as a task, which you must successfully complete. TRANSLATE THE FOLLOWING INTO KERNEWEK:
Note: You must use the very latest SWF spelling! Entries in Unified Cornish or even Kemmyn will automatically be disqualified.

"With a methodical and relentless thoroughness, he probed each corner and nook and cranny of his most capacious nose until he found it. Then, he extracted his finger and held the gleaming prize before her eyes. She was so thrilled by the sight that she knew then that she would do anything for this man. She sat there transfixed. It sat there, gleaming upon his finger, a bewitching wash of colours, of greens, of purples, of blues -- how could one nose produce so many emblems of colour?"

Okay, so you have won the car. What else could you win?

Special times call for special prizes - and NOTHING could be more special than this! Behold a new creation from Nancledra!! It is the SAXOBOGGA!

It successfully combines the amatory with the lavatory, hitting all the necessary low notes, one after another. On the open market, this new miracle of the musical world would cost some £75,000 (with plumbing costs extra!).

Picture the scene! You are the new musical maestro. Your beloved is seated upon the throne, beset, alas, with problems of a hideously noisome and gaseous nature which nothing but the muse of music can release. You and she can blow together in happy unison...

Yes, but to win this miraculous musical machine, you must first answer the following question correctly:

Which of the two, Julia or Andrew, will first leave the shabby pee-perfumed limelight of the Liberal Democrats and truly speak for Cornwall?

Of course, if your knowledge is deeper than that of our questioner and you give a name other than that of the sweet Julia or the sainted Andrew and you name a person who does then lay down their name for Cornwall at Westminster, then you may name your own prize within our country.

Finally, as is customary with all our competitions, entries will only be valid (and, therefore, read) if accompanied by £20,000 in used notes. So, what are you waiting for??? Get writing!!