PETROL-SAVING MOTORS FROM RC OATES

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By Motoring Correspondent Horton Tregarthen

In these days of ever-rising petrol prices, RC Oates Automotive Industries are proud to announce new models that will save you money!

First up is the hand-powered motorbike, shown below. This truly innovative invention is reputed to do 32,578 miles to the gallon, although this figure may well be an under-estimate, since in tests so far the petrol has never needed to be replaced!

RC Oates' hand-powered motorbike

For business users, we have the ground-breaking battery-powered truck, shown below. This too promises enormous savings in fuel costs. Although the initial cost of the battery is high, at £3,999,999.99, the battery is rechargeable (via a supplied hand-crank), and is expected to pay for itself in a short period of time.

RC Oates' battery-powered truck

A perceived drawback of the battery-powered truck is the relative lack of storage space for goods, due to most of the rear of the truck being occupied by the battery itself. However, in a design masterstroke, this has been compensated for by additional storage space (allocated from the driver's sleeping quarters) in the cab.

The new vehicles will be manufactured at RC Oates' state-of-the-art fabrication plant in the People's Republic of Hayle, shown below. Among industry experts, this plant is widely acknowledged to be second in sophistication only to the robot-controlled Trevaskis Motors' factory situated in the garages behind Penponds Close, at Alverton, Penzance.

RC Oates' state-of-the-art fabrication plant at Hayle

LUXURY CAR SERVICE CENTRE FOR HAYLE

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by motoring correspondent Denzil Flatt
R.C. Oates Automotive Industries today proudly announced the opening of their NEW LUXURY CAR SERVICE CENTRE in Hayle. The centre is designed to deal exclusively with Aston Martins, Lamborghinis, Porches, and Landsharks -- owners of other makes need not apply. Each service, performed entirely by hand with loving care, is expected to take approximately 9 months, followed by a "running in period" of 29 weeks. Not surprisingly, there is already a waiting list of 2 years.

R.C.O.A.I., owned by Relubbus multi-billionaire R.C. Oates, has long sought to expand its business interests into the People's Republic of Hayle, which it sees as one of the planet's fastest-developing economies.

In recent months, R.C.O.A.I has lost ground to its arch-rival Trevaskis Motors, which has enjoyed spectacular successes with its Landshark series of luxury cars. It is widely acknowledged that Trevaskis Motors' success has been due in no small measure to its possession of a state-of-the-art fabrication and servicing plant in the garages behind Penponds Close, at Alverton, Penzance. R.C.O.A.I.'s acquisition of the Hayle site is seen as an attempt to catch up -- though whether it will build cars at Hayle remains to be seen.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!

MARY POPPINS

starring JULIE ANDREWS and DICK VAN DYKE


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.

TREVASKIS LANDSHARK MARK II

Available in May! Win one here!

The renowned Cornish automotive engineering firm of Trevaskis, which is now operating out of a secret location in one of the garages (we're not saying which one!) behind Penponds Close in Alverton, Penzance, has teamed up with world famous Liechtenstein auto designer, Rudi Stümpfli, to produce the long-awaited Trevaskis Landshark Mark II.

Roundup Readers besieged us when we recently had an offer on for the world-beating Trevaskis Landshark. It is therefore a matter of pride and joy that we can offer ONE of these much sought after Trevaskis Landshark Mark II mean machines to the winner of a draw. To be eligible for the draw, you must answer the questions below correctly.

As these are hand-crafted machines, it is not likely that many more than 10 will ever be built. Eager readers hoping to get their hands on a Landshark are advised to get in quick!

The prototype featured in the picture above, taken in the Kwop car park in Vaduz, Liechtenstein, has technical specifications that will make the competition weep.

For instance, air conditioning is achieved by cunningly placed gaps in the car's body. At speeds in excess of 180 mph, air flows in and is run past ice cubes (to be placed in the car on hot days), which cool the air down to a deliciously refreshing froideur, which you can enjoy whilst other motorists are roasting. For particularly hot days, the main air intake (on the bonnet) will hold one bucket of ice. The doors take one half bucket of ice each and, if you want to keep your shopping cool in hot weather, you can tip a few buckets of ice into the capacious boot, which is big enough to hold one full shopping bag in addition to the ice. However, it is not just the ice which makes this a cool machine!

The car is fully automatic, having just the one gear. Tested going down Chywoone hill in Newlyn, it achieved speeds in excess of 21 mph. Driving off the summit of the Zugspitze in Germany, in the hands of reliable test driver 85-year-old Takazumi "Kamikaze Ken" Watanabe, it achieved amazing speeds in excess of 100 mph in the rapid descent.

Two windscreen wipers are fitted as standard, as is a water pistol for cleaning the windscreen. In a novel departure from standard automobile construction, there are no windows on the driver's side of the car. This dramatically increases the sensation of speed and dispenses with the need for wasteful sensors to detect temperature and external conditions, as the driver will be well aware of them.

Owners are at liberty to add carpeting to the car to enhance the feel of luxury, if they wish, though the generous cardboarding of the floor area prevents most moisture from entering the car, making the wearing of protective leggings redundant.

The Landshark will be on sale in May in both Relubbus and Liechtenstein. Each hand-built machine will cost only £57,555. However, one of these prized road machines will go -- for free -- to the winner of the draw from names of those who submit correct answers [in valid format**] to the following questions:

1. What is the highest registered downhill speed of the Landshark?

2. What was the name of the valiant test driver, who sacrificed his life testing the Landshark on the Zugspitze descent ?

3. How old was he?

4. What is the retail price of the Landshark?

Send your answers, together with your name and address and a stamped addressed envelope, to the Roundup, c/o the Swordfish Inn, Newlyn. Entries must be accompanied by a 10,000 word poem entitled "I want to get my hands on that bleddy Landshark because..."

** Entries are valid only if accompanied by £5,000 in used notes.
BOOK REVIEWS
By Literary Editor Emily Bindweed

Arseangel, by Robert Harris

The much-anticipated follow-up to Archangel, Arseangel tells the story of Fanny Sprot, a Victorian prostitute who specialises in buttock fetishists. Beautifully written, clearly extensively researched, and recommended to all bum fanciers!

Children's Books

The Naughty Golliwog Returns, by Enid Blyton

More racist fun from Ms Blyton, as the crinkle-haired villain abducts and rapes the pure English Rose doll. But don't worry, redneck Big Ears is on the case! Recommended reading for 16 - 18 year olds.