RELUBBUS ROUNDUP BIRTHDAY NEWS

 BIRTHDAY BOYS!!

The famous Tregavarah triplets - Abelard, Archilaus and Aardvark Angwin - are 50 years old today. 

Their parents have sadly passed on, but their Enty, Mrs Audrey Addicoat (94) of Gwavas Estate, was thrilled to be asked a few words about them by our reporter.

Putting her teeth in specially, she said,"My sister, Agnes, wudda bin sum proud of er boys, if she were ere neow!  After a few false starts, they boys is proper gents."

Abelard runs a thriving roadside grocery stall in the layby at Grumbla next to the Tremethick Cross turn-off. He says proudly, "I duh oney sell tattees and turnick!" 

Many people pass this way on route to their work in bustling Tremethick Cross or in the City of London or even in Wall Street, New York.

They always make a point of stopping to have a chat with Abelard and to buy a few of his potatoes and swedes (in Cornish 'turnick').  Apart from the splendid quality of his vegetables, which are eaten raw and unwashed by City-working health aficionados, another big draw is the opportunity to use pre-decimal currency, since Archilaus uses and accepts nothing else on his stall.

He opens at 3.00 am to catch the Wall Street-bound New York traffic and closes at 1.00 am to pick up trade from late night clubbers coming home from their revels in Tremethick Cross.

His brother, Archilaus, is a gentlemen's outfitter now specialising solely in taking inside leg measurements.  Rather than operating his own business premises, he travels, on his penny farthing bike, from one gents' outfitter's to another to provide this specialist service for others too shy to undertake this intimate service.  As he proudly boasts, "I doubt there iddena inside leg measurement in the olla Wes' Cornwall I ebben took!"

He is pictured here on the left, 'practising' on a young lady on the beach, just before she slapped him.

Aardvark, called by the other two 'the runta the litter', has had a somewhat less settled past and has been obliged to spend several spells at Her Majesty's pleasure for a string of repeated offences. 

Now, finally banned from working with small animals again, he is seeking to build up a fresh career in door-to-door sales of home-made wooden sunglasses.

The boys - all still single and available -have celebrated their happy day together by going out to share a slap-up meal at the Queen's Hotel on the Prom in Penzance.

IT IS CHRIS'S BIRTHDAY TOO!!

Chris Kelynack from Heamoor is 49 years old today.  Chris moved here 'frumup pas' Truru' some years back and no one is entirely sure whether this enigmatic person is male or female.

Chris is a freelance taxidermist working from home and derives a real pleasure - as well as a handsome income - from preserving deceased animals, usually beloved pets.

Chris has an unusual approach to this task and is setting something of a trend  by focussing on preserving only the skin of the animal and then filling it up with helium gas. so that it floats balloon-like.

Chris also attaches an Ipod pouch to the animals, so that the owners can listen to recordings of their loved ones or simply play music.

Chris is now applying to the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) for permission to treat deceased humans in this way so that loved ones can have them float around the room jabbering away just like they used to.

Chris celebrated the birthday in a very odd way, but despite the weird noises, would not explain what it involved.

WHAT HAPPENED TO LITTLE MAVIS??!!

Mavis Tergonning of Alverton Estate, Penzance, was 5 years old yesterday.  The little darling girl is the apple of her parents' eyes and, as her doting father says, "There idden nuthin we wooden do fer she!  Ansum she is too!"

So it was that at 9.30 yesterday morning the little girl took possession of the pet alligator that she always dreamed of having.  She named the animal "Alli" and rode him off to the playing field behind the Pirate pub. 

This moment was captured on camera by the proud parents and then put on immediate display on the mantelpiece in the front room.

However, the parents began to get concerned when little Mavis failed to come home.  Said distraught mother, Avril Tregonning, "I gotta bit wurried when she never come ome fer er danner.  But I thought 'she's out avinna bit fun wither lill pet.  We'll leave she be a bit longer.

"Then when she nevver come ome fer er tea, I said to Derrick, my usbant, I said to un, I said, 'Ere, Derrick, she ebben come ome yet - you goin out to look fer the maid, aree?"

Derrick set off to explore and, although he found the alligator burping contentedly in a corner of the field, he could find no trace of the girl. 

Mavis was nowhere to be found.  Police were then called in to investigate.  All are baffled by the disappearance.

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All this week at the Relubbus Panopticon Theatre!!!!!!

Mad Sarah Plain invites you to join her Tea Party.

Tickets are just £550 per person per hour!!

Yes, you've got to be mad to go there!

NEW BOOK, NEW AUTHOR

Popular Penzance prostitute, Kelly Killigrew (39), whose acute commercial sense led her to develop an initiative, "the price ladder", which has subsequently been gratefully copied by hundreds of professional ladies from St Buryan to right up to Camborne, has decided to branch out into writing.

For those unfamiliar with the price ladder, Kelly - no slouch when to comes to bargains - quickly twigged than when you offer pensioners '70% off' and the unemployed '50% off', you can protect your earnings by not disclosing 'off what' and still coin in the full sum - or even more.

However, now still with almost half her own teeth and free from disease at the last check just 19 years ago, Kelly, thinking of the future, has decided that, with gravity now beginning to pull its not inconsiderable weight, it is now time to carve out and develop a new career.

She has thus turned to writing and has conceived of the idea of penning a history of Notable Courtesans of West Penwith.

Despite this new departure, as she says herself, "I aren't givin up the scrubbin' completely.  I duh still do it, but I duh do the writin' in between like."   Thus she can often be viewed pacing up and down Parade Street with a notebook in her hand, furiously scribbling away in between rushed visits to the bushes of nearby Morrab Gardens in the company of 'reg'lars'.

Billy Curnow Publications of Adelaide Street, Penzance has snapped up the chance to take on this new local author. Says proprietor, Billy Curnow, "I wuz persuaded by the regal prose o' this queenathu pros and by the 50% off she gimme fer 6 weeks!"   Clearly, he hadn't heard of the price ladder.

With Kelly's kind permission we are taking just a brief look at some of the historical local talent she is featuring in her book.

On the left are the legendary so-called 'Eight Sirens of Sennen'.

They are, from the left, Lizzie Kelynack (16), Seline Hichens (17), Gracie Beckerleg (19), Alice Chirgwin (22), Sarah Jago (21), Aggie Curnow (27), Lavinia Lutey (24), and their captain and surprisingly agile yet one-legged star, Liza Cargeeg (29).

Known by Policeman Carne as 'the scourge of the cove', these young ladies busily worked the streets of Sennen Cove in the 1920s.  Dressed in a home-made uniform, they tended to stand out because of their unorthodox gait as they practised their eye-catching 'walk in formation'.  For more, get the book.

The beauty on the left was the famous Jane Hosking of Chypraze, pictured here at the age of 32.  A young lady of a fiercely intellectual and literary turn of mind, her stunning looks bewitched many a young man until she was finally successfully wooed and won by the 97-year-old shellfish billionaire, Abnego Baragwaneth. 

Although the latter was married, he was so smitten with the young temptress that he set her up in a sumptuous lovenest in Botallack on a fabulous daily allowance of 2/6d a day, excluding food. An accomplished and pioneering writer of the Cornish novella and a prolific poetess, all of the manuscripts of this noted but sadly unpublished writer were consumed by the chip fire that took her life in 1924.

Kelly tells the story of many another local fair maid but we will mention here only one more and that is the Newlyn nymph that was Priscilla "Pilchards" Polkinghorne, captured here on her 29th birthday.

At an early age, Prissy's keen intelligence shone brightly  at Newlyn Board School, where she displayed an easy facility and mastery of pure maths, nuclear physics, bio-chemistry and applied sandpit activities.

Known as "Pilchards" because of the the sharp smell her body emitted, she later grew into a ravishing beauty, much sought after at the tennis club and at Penzance swimming pool, where hundreds of local boys would congregate just to catch a glimpse of her breathtaking figure.

All the dashing swains from far around would pursue her - to no avail.  At the age of 17 she had lost her heart to a 77-year-old unhappily married dairy farmer from Tremethick Cross, whom she rapidly proceeded to make most happy.

In all weathers, she faithfully cycled up to see him for half an hour each evening at 7.30 , when he was out with the cows.  This went on for 40 years, when he sadly expired.  Consumed with grief, she followed him just two weeks after.

Hungry for more?  The book will be available from Billy Curnow Publications and at all good bookshops from next Wednesday at a price of just £749.99 each (or £3,500 for four copies!).

ADVICE CORNER

Life is becoming ever more complex and more and more people find themselves compelled to seek out professional help so that they can deal with the ever more difficult demands placed upon them.

Mindful that its readers have 100% confidence in its utterances and guidance, the Roundup has accordingly pulled together a starred panel of experts to guide and advise our readers through some of life’s more difficult questions.

Readers are invited to write in to seek the advice of our unique pool of talent. Our panel of experts is at hand to provide advice on a range of matters running from health to wealth, from hairdressing to finance. We have invited our experts to introduce themselves to you. So meet the experts!

HEALTH Dr Brenda Tonkin (57) -- pictured here at a health conference in the Caribbean sponsored by British American Tobacco -- is at hand to deal with any worries you may have about matters of health.

In particular, she is keen to dispel many of the modern health myths which add to the misery of many poor folk. She describes herself as a lady who enjoys a drink or two and who knows how to appreciate the liberating effects that an Old Shag from St Bruno can have.

She is a strong opponent of gyms which, she maintains, cause untold impact injuries and weaken the structure of the body rather than improve it. She is a fierce critic of ‘rabbit food’ and the health freaks who advocate it. She believes that breakfast is the key meal of the day. For her, it should be a good fry up every time, including a good bit of 'ogs puddin’.

Brenda is totally opposed to post-marital sex and finds ginger hair utterly repugnant. Brenda is keen to offer advice to all, but she will particularly welcome approaches from amputees.

MENTAL HEALTH Kaspar Lesnoweth (just 3 months old) is the exceedingly clever genius of the psychiatric world. Being super-intelligent, Kaspar obtained degrees in Mathematics, Physics, Greek, Latin, Russian, Mandarin Chinese, Medicine, Psychiatry, History, and No 1s and No 2s (although he still is in nappies) -- all before reaching the age of 2 months.

Bringing an entirely fresh young mind to the subject of psychiatry, he adopts a radical approach to what he terms ‘mental abewwations’. He firmly believes that anyone less intelligent than he is needs to be ‘exterminated by a dalek’.

Patients who are prepared to tickle his stomach are permitted to be spared ‘as they might be useful’. No matter how depressed a person may be, Kaspar will be pleased to play with anyone.

HAIRDRESSING Tracey Polkinghorne (27) used to be a senior stylist at Shelley’s of St Just before she moved into ‘hair consultancy’. Tracey considers that the artistry of hairdressing is under-rated when compared to its rightful sister arts of poetry and music.

She prides herself on being able to merge all three when having rap music playing while she is undertaking one of her creations for a client. Yes, she confides that she still does do the odd bit of clipping in a garage behind Newlyn Bridge, because she needs the hands-on experience to re-enervate her consulting muscle.

However, she is happiest dispensing the fruits of her accumulated hairdressing wisdom in magazines around the world, foremost amongst which are the Relubbus Roundup and the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt. She is also in negotiations with the Luxembourg paper, Zeitung vum Lëtzebuerger Vollek, which will be syndicating her column for a sum believed to be in excess of £7.50 a month.

Tracey will be there for you to deal with all the tricky questions, such as how to turn gray hair into pink or blue and, for the men, how to get a combover that will turn heads.

FINANCE Horton Baragwaneth (45) is one of the few world financiers whose reputations remain untarnished following recent turmoil in the financial world. His oft-repeated maxim of “Keep’n in cash an’ keep ‘n under the mattress” has finally proved to have resonance for all.

The millions of folk who have invested in the stockmarket have seen their investments plummet in value by around a third, whereas Horton’s £27 nest egg retains all the purchasing power it had 27 years ago – apart from inflation, of course. However, as he says “You kent win ‘em all, canee? Least I ebbn lost nuthin!”

Horton famously has another £75 hidden in his garden hedge, although no-one has been able to find it. He styles this his hedge fund. Horton will be providing invaluable advice to all those facing any financial crisis.

PASSING OVER Douglas Penberthy (19) comes from a long line of undertakers and, like any apprentice, he has worked his way up through the family firm, having had a go at every single job so that he would be a true expert.

He says, “I’ve done it all – dug the pits, made the boxes, washed the stiffs, tidied them up to make them presentable for the loved ones, driven the stiffmobile, done the slow walk, carried the box – full and empty – serviced the incinerator, been on the ‘sincere, but glum’ course, managed the budgets and taken the cash. I can do it all!”

This is just as well, as his father is now serving a prison stretch for ‘certain irregularities’ which occurred when he was preparing a corpse, having forgotten first to put his trousers on. Douglas can advise on any aspect of the practicalities of ‘passing over’.

PLUMBING AND GOALKEEPING Lester Bramnoweth (35) is the legendary goalkeeper for top West Penwith football team Richmond Rangers, who play at the St Clare ground in Penzance.

With Bramnoweth’s help, the Rangers have set a new record (10 unbroken years!) for clinging to the bottom position of the South West Peninsula League.

Lester also holds the record for letting in the most goals during any one match, with an astounding total of 326. As he modestly declares “I couldna dunovun without my teammates!”

In addition to this, he is the lead apprentice in the Tremethick Cross mega plumbing empire of Jimmy Addicoat, where he has specialised in the field of difficult bathroom tap washers. Lester is a sound and competent voice in both plumbing and goalkeeping.

NEWS IN BRIEF

Nancy Kelynack (32, and the 2004 runner-up in the Miss Nude Knitter of Zennor contest), who runs her own beauty parlour and solarium at Botallack, is being sued by a number of former clients, who claim damages following the use of Nancy’s home-made solarium. Nancy (pictured) is outraged about these claims, which she says could put her out of business.

She therefore used the propane gas powered device herself for the first time yesterday and says “I kent see what they are on about. I d’ ‘ave a proper ‘ealthy glow now an’ I never liked all that long ‘air anyway. I aren’t givin’ up and I’m goina fight this all the way!”

Carnyorth sees the return of the Kernewek Kemmyn Kaped Krusaders! The dynamic duo have re-appeared in town after locals refused to rename their town “Kkarnyorth” in line with Kemmyn spelling. No one knows who these two really are but their slightly menacing presence has been felt all over Carnyorth.

Only yesterday evening they staged a demonstration outside the prestigious Carnyorth Conservatoire, where Mexican cellist Carlos Prieto was performing Shostakovich’ Sonata in D Minor for Cello, demanding in high falsetto voices that the posters be changed to read “Karlos plays Kello rekital at Kkarnyorth Kkonservatoire”.

The Relubbus Ministry of Justice has been rocked by scandal following the production of incontrovertible photographic evidence that the Relubbus Deputy Acting Justice Minister, Mr Justice Denzil Tregonning (52), has been ‘carrying on’ with a large rabbit.

The two were snapped yesterday in their love nest at the two star Tremethick Cross Warm Goat Hotel by the Roundup’s star photographer April Showers.

Says Showers, “The rabbit, who answered to the name of Rodney, was removing Mr Justice Tregonning’s trousers when they were disturbed by the flash of my camera.” Mr Justice Tregonning’s response, on being asked for a comment, is unfortunately unprintable.

Embarassment is hanging heavy over the staff of the Relubbus International Conference Centre. Having been booked for a whole week by a group calling itself the “International Legion of Superheroes”, staff attention was drawn to an important fact only when the group assembled on the front steps for their final photo at the end of the week.

A young passerby, Tommy Whitehorne (8), observed to his mother “Ere Ma, that man’s willy is ‘angin’ out!”.

The leader of the Dutch group, Henk Knobejakkers (37), stated “Ja, ve are not hiding anyting – ve are de nude Legion of Superheroes – no clothes, just bodypaint.”

Yes, Monty is back - playing for three nights at the Prospidnick Secure Home for Old Flashers. Monty Behenna is famed for his flowing piano playing, which he renders in the style of the late great Russ Conway. Monty (61), who is proud to have all his own teeth, is a local man, having been born and bred in fast-living Rosudgeon.

His piano recitals are always packed out – frequently by men wearing macs. Monty attributes this to the masculine style of play he adopts on the piano.

Music critics attribute his popularity with male audiences to the fact that he is always accompanied by one or more of his ‘nieces’, who, unencumbered by any clothing, interpret his music for him. Tickets are £5 for standing and £15 for a seat.

Relubbus Scientist Ardbit Boscathnoe (65) has invented a device which beats colour-blindness!! Having spent two decades beavering away in his laboratory, wrestling with the symptoms of protanopiac dichromatism – or the inability to see the colour red – Professor Boscathnoe has come up with a device which enables sufferers to see red in 31% of cases.

This breakthrough is causing surges of interest throughout the world-wide dichromatic community. The device is a little heavy and the wearer does need to be supported – and guided. But when they go on sale – even at the price of £29,999 – they are expected to ‘sell like hotcakes’.

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LET ME MAKE MONEY FOR YOU!!
Says Relubbus Hedge Fund Manager, Bernie “The Bung” Ripoff

Bernie Ripoff came to Relubbus as a poor economic migrant from Chelsea, a rougher part of London, many years ago. Since then this dazzling magician of the money markets has conjured up a vast fortune for himself (he drives a Ford Anglia with a special 2 litre engine!).

Now he is offering all of you a chance to share in his financial fortunes by buying into his new fund, “Thrift and Theft’. Speaking exclusively to the Roundup from his luxury apartments at the Long Rock Station Railway Coach park, Ripoff said, “Making money in the markets is like taking candy from a baby. It’s like a little theft. So I couldn’t resist using the name in my new fund!”

Ripoff is inviting contributions from as little as 50 pence up to as much as £500,000,000 per person (the maximum since “the punters mustn’t be greedy”, he says). All monies received are invested in his Thrift and Theft Fund, which is guaranteed to bring a return of 500% (after 150 years) to all contributors and their heirs.

Investors are asked to bring cash only and to form an orderly and quiet queue outside Mr Ripoff’s Railway Carriage (the one with windows) on Monday morning at the crack of dawn at around 11.30 am.

SAMPLE THE RED INDIAN LIFE AT ZENNOR!

Chief Dougie “Running Deer” Blewett invites the good folk of West Penwith to sample the true Indian lifestyle at his reservation on Tregeagle farm, Zennor.

Says the Big Chief himself, “We duh offer the real life Indian experience ‘ere an’ you doan ‘ave tuh gw'ovver to Amerikee tuh git ‘a’ bit taste ovun!”

Mr Blewett, a Methodist lay preacher and farmer at Zennor for many years, got a book out of Penzance Library on ‘Red Injun’ life and has opened up the reservation in his back field to help supplement the farm income.

“People what duh com ‘ere get tuh live in one o they teepees fer a night er two and t’ eat a bitta fox. We don’t give they non o’ that firewater stuff, as this ‘ere is a good Methodist ‘ouse’old."

Amusements include a bow and two arrows, chicken feathers galore for headdresses and a little wood for a fire on cold nights. Everything else must be supplied by the guests themselves, who can “make a reservation at the reservation” for just £175 per person per night. Just ‘phone Zennor 495.

WOULD YOU LIKE A NEW JOB IN COMPUTING??

Tremethick Cross Computation offers you a chance to enter the high-tech world of computing and find a job which pays well (£1.71 an hour or an amazing £143.64 per week for a normal 12 hour day seven day week, producing lifetime earnings of approaching £450,000 for the full 60 years!) and sets you up to share in the magical mysteries of the computer age.

Computing is a 24 hour phenomenon and staff are required to work 12 hour shifts. As shown in the picture, there is a men’s section and a women’s section. However, following modern conventions, the one toilet is Unisex (ladies are accordingly asked to lift the lid back up after use!!).

Eat a hearty meal before you come! There is no canteen, since the 3 minute mid-shift break does not really allow much time for eating. That won’t bother you though, since you will be in the queue for the toilet, the automated doors of which close after the 3 minute break.

The generous holiday package includes 1 free Saturday in 7 and offers a further 4 FREE days each year for you to use as you wish (this rises to 5 days after 45 years)

There is a also a compulsory contributory pension scheme, which is managed for Tremethick Cross Computation by Bernie Ripoff. Each employee is required to contribute £100 per week to the scheme, which will result in their receiving (only after completion of 60 years’ contributions) a generous annual pension of £94 payable for as long as you live.

Apply in writing to Mr RJ Polkinghorne, Taskmaster, Tremethick Cross Computations.
Note: For religious reasons, applications from persons with a legal background will not be enetertained!!

YOUNG PEOPLE OF RELUBBUS - GET YOUR MONO HERE!

Picture it now – you are motoring down fashionable Boswedden Lane – the car is at full throttle, whilst you achieve an effortless 13 and a half miles per hour – your passenger slips a gramophone record on to the player and your favourite music is blaring out at 7 decibels, attracting attention from all passers-by, who simply stare – jaw-dropped – as you pass by.

Forget Stereo, your car is equipped with MONO – a single ear trumpet (fitted to the running board) that bellows out sound so that you can hear it even at speeds in excess of 10 miles per hour !!

The passing public will hear it too and think that you are a top hole - not to say spiffing - sort of chap!!

MONO can be fitted to your car by Tonkins of Paul (and Sheffield) for a mere £14,500.

SPARGO TO ADDRESS G-20

By our Financial Correspondent, Duane Polkinghorne
Billy Spargo, the Chairman of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), is to address an emergency meeting of the G-20 to be held in New York early next week.

The G-20 is a group of twenty Finance Ministers and Central Bank Governors from 19 of the world's largest economies, plus the EU. Collectively, the G-20 economies comprise 90% of global GNP and 80% of world trade.

However, one notable absentee from the group is Relubbus, whose resilient "Celtic tiger economy" has expanded massively in recent years and whose GNP now stands second only to that of the US.

Until now, Relubbus, under the canny leadership of Chairman Spargo, has resolutely refused to ally itself with any international trading blocs other than the Union of Kernow States. The latter, comprising, besides Relubbus itself, Crowlas, Lower Gwavas, Nanpean, Treneere, Germoe, Perranuthnoe, Crows an Wra, Tremethick Cross, and Tregavarah, has emerged, under the leadership of Relubbus, as the planet's leading energy supplier. Indeed, the GRUC Council Chamber alone produces huge quantities of natural gas, while the vast wind farm at Cripplesease generates sufficient electricity to power the UK national grid.

It is understood that Councillor Spargo, in agreeing to address the NY meeting, is responding to a desperate plea from the world's leaders. As the global financial crisis deepens, they regard the support of Relubbus as the only way to avert a total meltdown of the world economy.

Mr Spargo is expected to solve the international crisis by pledging to underwrite the national debts of the US, UK, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Russia, India, and China. He could do this by drawing on the vast reserves of the Relubbus Central Bank (shown above) -- rumoured to be in the region of £17 6s 8d!

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YES, THEY'RE BACK! ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS HILTON CONFERENCE HALL
THE EAGERLY-ANTICIPATED RETURN OF
JASPER BODINNICK & HIS CARN BREA MOUNTAIN BOYS

TICKETS £100, £75, £50 (standing), from Relubbus Post Office and Warren's, Market Jew Street, Penzance.

RELUBBUS REDEFINES BEAUTY

As we all know, Relubbus high society sets trends today which others in lesser places like London, Paris, New York and Hayle follow tomorrow.

The world of cosmetic surgery is just one more field in which bold moves taken in Relubbus will doubtless be aped elsewhere.

Leading Cosmetic Dentist, Billy “Clubfoot” Clemo (31, or so he maintains) from Rosudgeon has performed a ‘dental reconstruction’ on the ever-beautiful husky-voiced jazz singer from Tremethick Cross, Morwenna Zenna (36, 24, 36).

Clemo is a controversial character. His liberal use of immoderate and inappropriate language is upsetting for some who are not prepared to make allowances for his greatness. Furthermore, as can sometimes be the case with those touched by brilliance, Clemo is given to emotional outbursts of sometimes frightening proportions. However in Clemo’s case, the outbursts have more to do with his exasperation at his hearing problem than with brilliance.

Now completely deaf, he refuses to employ deaf aids and is a very poor lip reader. This is a potentially disastrous combination for occupants of the dentist’s chair. However, potential patients will take comfort from the fact that, following a series of complaints of "torture", patients are now issued with a "pain-button" which, when pressed, sets the surgery lights flashing and gives Clemo a mild electric shock to attract his attention.

The world has long had an obsession with certain ideals of beauty. However, we now live in an age where we can reconstruct ourselves to conform to such ideals. Of course, this has the unfortunate and deeply regrettable consequence that we might all end up looking like clones. Billy Clemo is one of the professionals who opposes such Hollywood conformity. He is devoting his cosmetic surgery skills to making people look different from one another.

Before the surgery, Morwenna Zenna gave us an interview in which she stated that she was delighted to be first amongst the Relubbus glitterati asked to become a pioneer for new attitudes towards beauty.

Morwenna has been a thinking man’s crumpet for some years, a pin-up in solicitors’ offices and doctors’ surgeries all over Relubbus. A picture of her has even been glimpsed on display in the sumptuous offices of Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman Billy Spargo (65).

Having set trends in jazz singing, she is now prepared to blaze a trail in new concepts of beauty. Billy Clemo is giving her teeth the new look of the 21st century, and then she moves on to Billy’s brother Zeke, a plastic surgeon operating in Prospidnick, who will complete the transformation in beauty.

We can now show below the brilliance of Clemo’s work. On the left, we have a picture of Morwenna’s teeth before the operation, clearly displaying those old outdated concepts of beauty. On the right we show a picture of Morwenna’s teeth after the operation, which fully displays the transformational nature of Clemo’s pioneering work.

BEFORE AFTER
Morwenna herself was unavailable for comment.

However, Billy was very chipper and talked of the operation as a great success, which will bring all the young beauties his way, clutching their £10,000 in order to have the same operation as Morwenna.

For the first five ladies who email us here at the Roundup, we will contribute a full £10 (for EACH of the five!) towards the dental cosmetic costs.

RELUBBUS OLYMPIC TEAM UP FOR MEDALS!!

By our special Chinese Sports Correspondent, Dung Xiao Fried Lice

Boswedden Lane is full of the talk of medal prospects, since one of the strongest ever Relubbus teams has been fielded in Peking (as Billy Spargo has ordered it to be named).

The strongest gold medal hope resides in Ned ‘Pasties ‘ Nudd (14) , who will be competing in the ‘Floating’ competition. The International Olympic Committee (IOC) admitted the Floating competition following a petition from the Small Nations of the World, who backed Relubbus to the hilt.

Competion rules are that one must have eaten 500 shop pasties (Eddy’s, Rowe’s, Warren’s or Philp’s only are admissible (Ginsters are banned!)) in the previous 48 hours, before one attempts to float for four hours is a swimming pool. As Ned normally eats 300 pasties a day, he (firmly supported -- not literally, of course -- by his Mum) says that he should ‘walk it’. Just to make sure, the picture we show is of Ned in training – after 400 pasties a day.

The ever popular girls’ relay drinking team, shown here with their trainer, Tommy Tregarthen after a heavy session at the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn, have stepped up their drinking to ensure victory in the Women's 18-24 Piss-Up Competition. The rules are simple – ‘down’ the most in rapid succession and stay standing – for, at least, 30 minutes. These dedicated young women – all from Tremethick Cross Young Women’s Drinking Club are, from the left, Lavinia Angove (21), Aggie Lanyon (23), Letitia ‘Scrubber’ Liddicoat (22) and Poppy Cock (19) . These young women carry Relubbus’s hopes for a second gold.



Relubbus also has great hopes on the track. Brenda Opie (84) is our big gold medal hope in the Over Eighties Incontinence 50 Mile Sprint. Brenda is shown here in the midst of her gruelling training for the race. It is not just a question of keeping going in a gruelling 50 mile sprint race. It is also a matter of keeping up a constant detectable fine spray during the whole proceedings. Brenda is the girl for this task.

Brenda’s chances in this competition have been nothing if not strengthened by her reputed association with Chinese President, Hu Jintao, (37) who is apparently ‘hopressry in rove’ with her. Hu confided to friends on the Central Committee “Wat dat girl can do wiv cigar is no one’s business!!”.

Relubbus’ medal hopes do not end there. Silver or bronze hopes are realistic prospects for Dougie Ladner in the 1950s Milk Drinking Competition. This calls for the ability to drink glasses of milk “in a style consistent with the manner, practice, dress and decorum of the 1950s”. Dougie is held to be a natural for this, as he is a freeze-dried 1950s person.



Another hot contender for a medal is the St Ives milkman, Dick Rosewarne (45), in the Llama Impersonation Competition. Dick is so good at this that even his wife and mother (absolutely NOT the same person, despite the fact that they have never been seen together) are unable to detect him in a herd of llamas when he is ‘doing his impersonation’.



Yet another Relubbus medals hope is to be found in the new ‘Unusual Foods Consumption’ competition, where Pascoe Polkinghorne (29) of Gurnards Head is believd to have a strong chance. He has been in the Far East engaged on an extended training programme, centred on eating rat (as shown in the attached photo).



The last Relubbus medals hope is to be found in the recently introduced “Name That Sex” competition. Contestants are merely required to confuse the judges as to their gender, during interview AND subsequent physical examination. The Relubbus entrant, Chris Pender (32) of Buryas Bridge, has managed to confound and confuse his/her own mother (Nigel) for the past 25 years and Nigel says that Chris should definitely get a medal, if not the gold. The excitement can hardly be contained.

Let us wait to see where Relubbus appears on the medals table!!!

PEOPLE IN THE NEWS

The Roundup provides a 'roundup' of people who have been making the big news in West Penwith!
Voluptuous Brenda Rosewarne (27) from Tregeseal, St Just, is not just a go-ahead executive in charge of sheet music for Marshall James' Music in Market Jew Street, Penzance!

In her spare time, she is active in four different sports. Last week she came 8th in the Tregeseal Methodist Church Egg and Spoon Race.

The week before, she managed to secure 3rd place in the Pendeen Open Cross Country 5 mile Hopping (left leg only) race.

Last month, she scooped second prize in the Tremethick Cross Magnifying Glass Ant-frying Speed Contest (frying 356 ants in just 30 minues!).

Yesterday, she topped all her other achievements by coming first in the Sancreed Sack Race (It differs from other such races in that the sack is worn over the head and thus, once one has been spun round the regulation 36 times to achieve disorientation, one has precious little chance of going in the right direction, quite apart from covering the 220 yards in the required 8 minutes). Breathless Brenda was over the moon with her performance, saying "I am over the moon!"

Hankie Penhaligon (41), on his organ on the left, and Ben Dover (39), fully engaged with his instrument on the right, are kitchen fitters by day, but sing proudly for God in the evenings.

The two boys founded the group "Cornish Voices for Jesus" years ago at Mousehole Methodist Youth Club. Now their runaway success with their last hit, "Satan's feet don't smell too good!", has won them the support of the Christian Records Label and bookings from Heamoor to St Buryan.

Mecca Bingo caller, Dougie Botterell (76) has been let off without a caution for "pestering" young innocent Penny Treglown (21). The couple are pictured here together last month at the Mecca Bingo in Penzance, when Dougie called her up for the twentieth time for a special prize.

Penny complained, "the dirty old bugger was jes lookin' down my cleavage". The magistrate, Mr Tommy Botterell (no relation) said, "No one can blame my cousin for wanting to have a look. Have you seen the size of them? She ought to carry a health warning!"




Prospidnick Stage Hypnotist Jacko Clemo (52) has been in the news recently for all the wrong reasons. He originally achieved fame by hypnotising rabbits and getting them to recite medieval poetry and perform other un-rabbit-like acts. He is believed to have achieved the peak of his career some years back, when he hypnotised some grass snakes into thinking they were birds and actually got them to fly!

Now, alas, how the mighty have fallen! He was arrested last week for preying upon the residents of the Gwithian Home for Retired Gentlewomen, having hypnotised them (none of them are younger than 97) into believing that they were the 25 year old inhabitants of a house of ill repute and that he was the sole gentleman they had to entertain.

Gay Cornwall was over the moon at the celebrity marriage in Camborne of Mebyon Kernow Gay Rights Campaigner, Aloysius Landshark (45), "with all the gay gear" on the left, to his chosen partner Ben Dover (28), an unemployed brick-layer from Falmouth.

The happy couple were said to be overjoyed that so many representatives of the Devon & Cornwall Police (Gay division) had turned out to be supportive and perform their synchronised baton-waving routine.

The happy couple will honeymoon at Long Rock for 7 weeks and will then be moving into a caravan near Sennen to begin married life together, with their budgie, "Harold", who is not gay.