MORGAWR HERALDS AUSPICIOUS YEAR FOR CORNWALLl!!

The Morgawr has been sighted off Lands End and also at various points around Falmouth all this week.

Throughout Cornish history sightings of this fabled Cornish sea monster (pictured here in one of the earliest photographs from 1573) have always betokened auspicious events for the land of Kernow.

In particular, sightings of the so-called 'bespectacled Morgawr', which can grow up to 200 feet in length, are said to portend good things for the state of Relubbus.

This is perhaps just as well since 2011 is already shaping up to be an interesting year in which Relubbus begins to punch its full weight on the international stage.

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader, Billy Spargo (129) is back from his Christmas break, spent as usual in his luxury caravan (pictured) with his mother at Long Rock.

Fully relaxed after a week uninterrupted by international political considerations, he is now set on deploying the full economic and military might of Relubbus for the betterment of other nations.

First up in his sights is Russian Prime Minister and would-be gay pin-up, Vladimir Putin, whose crude old-style KGB bullying has blighted and stunted the post-Soviet development of Russia.

Putin is a crude crowbar autocrat, who curiously publishes semi-nude pictures of himself in a vain attempt to appeal to the members of the gay S&M scene of which he is so fond.

Putin has now drawn the opprobrium of all civilised nations for his Stalinist show trials of innocent mega-multibillionnaire Mikhail Khordokovsky, whose only crime was his refusal to bend before Putin.

Before being led back to his icy cell in Siberia, a defiant Khordokovsky called out that you can only get on in today's Russia if you are one of Putin's benders.

Spargo's first bold lightning strike was to expel all 295 Russian diplomats from Relubbus, to close down the embassy and to have the embassy site (pictured) bulldozed and turned into a mini-golf course for kiddies.

The dazed Russian diplomats were packed into Western National buses yesterday morning en route to Porthleven, where rowing boats awaited them for the long pull back to the port of St Petersburg.  The journey will take a little longer than normal as all the oars were removed from the boats.

The new mini-golf course was opened this morning by singing star, Roy Orbison.

In Moscow, a fleet of Ford Anglia Tenerifes whisked the 8 Relubbus diplomats away from Moscow and over the Finnish border before the Russians knew what was happening.

In a special move to punish Putin where it would hurt most, Spargo has also placed a Cornish travel embargo on the Putins.

The Russian Prime Minister and his wife Brian have a secret holiday dacha (now confiscated) in Toltuff Road, Penzance and like nothing better than to breeze up and down Market Jew Street, before entering their beloved Simpsons of Penzance, which has kitted them both out ever since Putin has had access to hard currency.

Spargo's second big international initiative is to announce that he has given the go ahead for the construction of a huge wooden bridge between Relubbus and Britanny.  This bold construction project will create the largest road and rail bridge in the world.  A photo of a much scaled down prototype is shown on the left.

In each direction there will be a 12 lane motorway  and four rail tracks.

At 10 mile intervals, there will be a motorway service island, each providing rest and retail opportunities for up to 10,000 cars and their occupants.  In Relubbus, the bridge will rise on what is now farmland next to Terminal 12 of the Relubbus International Airport.  In Britanny, it will come down at Landrellec beach.

The eye-catching bridge will rise quickly to a height of 400 feet so that shipping can easily pass underneath.

The sides of the bridge will be formed of embankments rising to a height of 60 feet and will be laid to lawns and gardens  so that no one gets dizzy at such a height. The embankments will also create a natural and comfortable bridge for wildlife to cross the channel in peace and quiet.

The roads and rail will be heated in winter so that they do not freeze and ducts will carry rainwater down to the sea through turbines, which will generate some of the power needed to run the services.

The rest of the power will be generated by wind turbines interspersed along the length of the bridge.

The building consortium of Oates & Trevaskis has stated that the work will commence in mid March and that it is expected to be fully completed by the end of April in time for the summer traffic.

The huge work force for this futuristic entirely wooden construction is said to include some 67 carpenters alone, together with two electricians and one plumber.

Contracts have been the subject of fierce competition, but we can announce that the winner of the hotly-contested hairdressing contract for the project has just been anounced to be Shelley's of St Just.

The ROUNDUP would like to wish all our readers a HAPPY NEW YEAR and we hope that both of them will enjoy good health and wealth the whole year through.

NEWS IN BRIEF

BBC TO BROADCAST ONLY IN CORNISH!!

Mr O.P. Opie (76) the jovial, but thrusting, Chairman of the Boskednan Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) has issued a surprise announcement that all future broadcasts of the BBC will be in Kernowek (Celtic Cornish) only.

This statement has caused concern around the globe, since many of the people who like to tune into the BBC to get an unbiased opinion of the news in and around Boskednan cannot attend Kernowek classes.

Mr Nissim Padha (79) a punkah wallah fom Bangalore is a  typical example of such a listener.

He explains, "This is totally not good for me at all, oh no!

Nearest Kernowek class is at City Lit in London, UK, which is 10 and a half hours on aeroplane. 

I am just punkah wallah and cannot be affording this fare.  This is most bad news. 

I am interested in goings-on in Boskednan, like many another peoples in world.  It helps me to pass time on punkah."

'Gladys', a representative of the Tawali People's Favourite Radio Club said, also spoke up, "There are many people throughout Papua New Guinea whose ears are glued to the radio when the BBC comes on. 

When we are listening, we are all dreaming that we are in Boskednan in glorious Kernow.  However, no one here can speak Kernowek.  We hear that the nearest place where we can learn Kernowek is in the City Lit in London , which is 31 hours from here using the Big Bird, which we cannot afford."

Complaints have also come from nearer to home.   

Mr Detritus Pascoe from Plymouth has also complained.

He says, "Darney, I'm only ovver 'ere in Plymouth, where I duh work on the bins. I kent speak no Cornish, altho I wuz born ovver Noolun.  What the bleddy 'ell they gotta put all they programmes out in Cornish fer?"

Such is the high feeling that some folk have talked of raising a petition to present before the Chairman of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) , Councillor Billy Spargo (113).

However, this avenue for a potential protest gesture has been firmly closed off by Mr Spargo's personal office.

A spokesman for Councillor Spargo has let it be known that Mr Spargo is now off on his summer holidays at Sennen Cove accompanied only by his resident nurse Jenefer Bolitho (23) (pictured left).

He is not to be disturbed at any cost.









RUCTIONS IN RUSSIA?

Firstly a big 'thank you' to a Mr V Putin for the holiday snap. 

Cornwall is the preferred holiday destination for many an international leader, but just what is one to make of the sudden appearance on the Penzance Promenade of the German Chancellor Angela Merkel separated only by the gleamingly smiling Archbishop Vikenty from the adoring presence of the Russian president, Dmitri Myedvyedyev.

According to Mr Putin, Angela and Dmitri are a having a 'Brest-Litovsk moment of Russo-German rapprochement', which Mr Putin, were he president, would not consider.

Mr Putin, who used to spy on people professionally with KGB notebook and pencil, also highly disapproves of the fact that Angela and Dmitri shared a room at the Queen's Hotel and came down to breakfast together.

Mr Putin, who is himself holidaying on the Tolroy Estate in Hayle, would not comment beyond this point.

A spokesperson for the Relubbus Russian Studies Institute at Prospidnick has opined that this string of embarrassing revelations could reflect a desire by Mr Putin to destabilise his successor and help pave the way back for his own return to the presidency.

ACCLAIMED AUTHOR PUBLISHES NEW WORK!!

Mr E.B. Daft (52) the much revered man of letters, who chooses to lead a reclusive life in the leafy confines of his Gwavas Estate home overlooking the stupendous Mounts Bay, has published a new work.

The new book speaks of his love for his most trusty and much treasured canine companion, Walter, and celebrates the animal's astounding gifts for public performance.

The book is suitable for for adults of all ages and, at just £52, is excellent value coming, as it does, with a FREE colouring-in set.

With a print run of just 500,000, Daft devotees are advised to rush to get their copy soon to avoid disappointment. 

Available at Oscar's Station Bookshop, Penzance and at all good book stores.

RELUBBUS CLASSIFIEDS

People seeking people

Renée Dunk (53) is a traffic warden from Marazion, but she is also a very special person, because she has recently won the fabulous £3.49 prize that goes with the title of Relubbus Equestrian Tennis Champion 2009. Can you spot the tennis racket in this photo?

Rene – as she prefers to be known – is the only person known to play tennis on horseback in the whole of Relubbus. She is wondering if there is a young man out there who would like to play with her? Reply to Roundup Box 1

Bernice, a wild girl (63) from Nancledra wants a strong man to tame her. “Will you be my Hercules?”

Although currently confined to home waiting for two hip replacements and one knee, she is still feisty and hungry for love.

Bernice likes going in on the bus to Penzance, but would love a romantic weekend for two in Relubbus "with the right man with all 'is bits workin'". Roundup Box 2

Hetty (aged somewhere between 21 and 74), lives in a bedsit in Morrab Road, Penzance. She has conquered deafness to become a viola soloist (in her own room).

She works in the Prom KWOP and is addicted to logic puzzles and nicotine. Likes body metal and is into controlled pain – for others.

Seeks young men who are willing to serve. Roundup Box 3

Neville (31) a farmhand from Botallack seeks a woman to share his varied interests. He has become something of an expert in cross-stitch and is the current West Penwith (West) gooseberry growing champion, having produced a whopper of 8 inches circumference, which he will be happy to show you.

He has a bicycle chain collection of 749 pieces from around the world and which contains one piece dating back to 1915. They need to be washed and greased every day. Neville is looking for the right lady to help him and, as he says, “Hey, and whilst our hands are greasy,…..” Roundup Box 4

Vladimir is a man with a problem. He has a charming wife and two children and leads a busy life as a Prime Minister running a large country in Eastern Europe, the name of which he would like to keep quiet. However, over the years, he has come to realise that he has been living a lie, as some of his publicity photos have revealed.

Increasingly, he wishes to show - and share - his feminine side – with an understanding male. After consulting (at great expense) a medium – Mrs Bathsheba Liddicoat (95) – whilst on incognito holiday in the People’s Republic of Hayle, he has come to realise that he desperately needs to occasionally leave the hustle and bustle of public life and cuddle up in West Cornwall with a ‘real man, who would take care of me”.

Vladimir would like to hear from a rugged accountant working anywhere the right side of Camborne (i.e. west of it), who lives alone, has a strong aroma, and who also likes to play knife games. Roundup Box 5

Goods and Services

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Novel Calor gas room fragrancer. What is it? Well, a wooden frame supports a bowl into which the perfume of your choice is poured, then the calor gas is lit and you have a room fragrancer that will be the envy of your friends!! Only £97.99 from Polwhele and Polwhele of Porthgwarra 529134 (NB you must supply your own bowl, fragrance and calor gas.)

Avalaff Promotions offer the new funtime diversion for smokers at Christmas – Gelignite Surprise. The cigarette box looks like normal No.6, but one of the ciggies is a stick of gelignite – just look at their faces when that goes off!! Long Rock 672013

Remaindered Arthur Scargill Fairy Tale Cassette Tapes. Yes, pack of cassette tapes featuring Arthur Scargill reading all your favourite fairy tales, but with a Socialist twist - just 49 pence a set!!. Free Scargill Wig with every pack, so that you can look like your hero! From People’s Republic of Hayle Socialist Funshop on Hayle 543981

KGB TARGETS SPARGO

The Roundup has incontrovertible evidence that the Russian secret service, the Federalnaya Sluzhba Bezopasnosti (FSB) -- which in the Soviet era was known as the KGB -- has targeted Councillor Billy Spargo (93), the leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban District Council (GRUC).

Last week, the infamous Andrei Lugovoi (17, shown left), whom the Crown Prosecution Service believes to be responsible for the murder of the ex-KGB agent Alexander Litvinenko in London in November 2006, was spotted in the Post Office of the People's Republic of Hayle, applying for a visa to enter Greater Relubbus.


The Roundup's undercover reporters in the People's Republic tell us that Lugovoi also hired a top-of-the-range Landshark limousine, with a steel-reinforced chassis and bullet-proof windows, with which to make the journey to Relubbus.

This week, Mr Spargo (23) complained of feeling "unwell", a day after he had been "jostled" in Boswedden Lane by a man carrying an umbrella, the tip of which (he said) had grazed his thigh. Rushed by ambulance to Prospidnick's King Doniert Hospital, Mr Spargo was found to be suffering from a form of radiation sickness induced by the ingestion of a radioactive substance, namely polonium 210. The latter is the same substance allegedly used by Mr Lugovoi to poison Mr Litvinenko.

It is hardly surprising, following his recent outspoken attack on the Russian Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin (left), that the FSB should target Councillor Spargo in this way.

However, the day after being rushed to hospital Mr Spargo appeared to have made a full recovery and declared himself to be "right as rain". In a statement to reporters, he declared:

"I bin born 'n brought up in Cornwall, so no bleddy radiation is gonna see me off. I duh live in a granite 'ouse in a granite land an' I bin breathin' in radon gas all me life. I'm bleddy immune tuh radiation!"

He went on to threaten retaliation against the Russians, and against Mr Putin in particular, who he said was "behind all this". He said that he would be dispatching units of the Relubbus Secret Police, the dreaded Kreslu Kevrinek Kernewek, to Moscow. Their mission, he said, would be to "shove a capsule of radon gas up Putin's arse! Le's see 'ow 'ee likes 'un!"

SPARGO WARNS PUTIN

Our international affairs correspondent, Rendell Janner, reports on a worrying return to the darkest days of the Cold War

In what could be the start of a major international incident, the Chairman of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), Councillor Billy Spargo (84), has warned Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin (33, left) to "keep 'is snout out" of Relubbus's affairs.

Councillor Spargo (93) is said to be "incandescent" about Russia's latest support for Relubbus's arch-enemy, the People's Republic of Hayle.

The "People's Republic" has long been a client state of Russia, from which it obtains most of its industrial machinery, consumer goods (such as there are), cars, tractors, and military hardware. In return, it supplies the Russians with bananas and sugar cane. The political and economic ethos of the drab one-party state is fundamentally opposed to that of the thriving free-market economy of Relubbus.

Prime Minister Putin was spotted on a recent fishing trip to the People's Republic, where he is shown (left) fishing in Copperhouse Pool.

The border dispute between Relubbus and the People's Republic has been simmering for decades. However, in recent years the antagonists have mostly been content to glare at each other from their respective watchtowers on either side of the border, across acres of minefields.

That could be about to change, if reports that Russia has supplied the Haylors with medium-range rockets are true. These rockets are capable of targeting central Relubbus. Although the formidable Relubbus military machine obviously possesses far more powerful missiles of its own, Spargo clearly fears that their new weapons could tempt the Haylors, who have never possessed such armaments before, into making a rash pre-emptive strike.

Putin is shown, left, with one of the rockets that he has allegedly supplied to the People's Republic.

In a bellicose statement, Councillor Spargo (23) threatened that, unless the Russians withdrew the rockets, he would send a naval taskforce headed by the battleship Pride of Relubbus (formerly HMS Warspite) to blockade the Russian navy in the Black Sea.

He also threatened to turn off Russia's major source of energy, the pipeline from the giant Cripplesease wind farm.

We will keep you informed as the crisis develops.

Issue 6, 2nd July 2007

BUSH AND PUTIN TO LIVE TOGETHER IN RELUBBUS!

The diplomatic world was stunned yesterday by simultaneous announcements from the Kremlin and the White House that Putin and Bush are seeking to set up home together in Relubbus.

It would seem that occasional one-to-one meetings between the two have led to the chance discovery that they have more in common with one another than they could ever have suspected. This process of mutual discovery has been assisted by the involvement of Relubbus-based diplomat and amateur conductor Horton Nance, of whom more later.

Both men are married, but neither regards this as a serious obstacle to following their hearts’ desire: to live together -- in Relubbus.

Penhaligon’s Estate Agents have been commissioned to find the unlikely couple a hideaway in the environs of Relubbus, which has long been known for its easy tolerance of unusual liaisons. Relubbus is also the home of Horton Nance, who since his 8 year fling with closet African queen, Robert Mugabe, back in the sixties, has had a string of relationships with international leaders.

Nance (93), pictured on the left rehearsing for his next performance at St Johns Hall with the Nancledra Philharmonic, would not be drawn as Roundup reporters quizzed him on his role in this affair.

Despite the fact that the only picture of the couple in Relubbus shows them wearing Nance-designed dressing gowns, the tight-lipped conductor of international affairs simply refused to comment.

The Roundup tried to contact Councillor Billy Spargo, of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council for a comment. However, according to his housekeeper he was unavailable, having "gone up Pendeen to see ‘is Enty, oo’ve bin took bad."


SUGAR "HOPPING MAD" AS RC OATS SURGES AHEAD IN TV RATINGS!

Sir Alan Sugar (left) was described as "hopping mad" after seeing the "The Apprentice" leapfrogged in the ratings by the brand-new Relubbus TV programme "Wanna get on, do ee?", which stars Relubbus entrepreneur RC Oats, who is estimated to have amassed a personal fortune of more than £1,200 over the past 35 years in his Relubbus grocery business.

Oats (known to locals simply as "RC", or "Arsey", depending on how well he is liked by the local in question) has 9 Cornish likelies, who are vying with one another to be his apprentice and thereby win a weekly two figure wage, with 5% off store goods thrown into the bargain.

Oats says of the programme "I kent believe my luck. I got these nine kids workin' 'ere fer nuthin and you can’t get cheaper than that, can ee?"

RC Oats (pictured left) is often portrayed by The Economist, the Western Morning News and the Cornishman as the perfect example of a capitalist success story.

Putting aside the recent News of the World revelations about the nature of Mr Oats’ relationship with his pet ducks, the press have had nothing but good news to report on this one-man economic phenomenon. Oats’ grocery store in Relubbus has, after only 30 years, enjoyed such a run of success that he has been able to open up another store in nearby Ludgvan -- and there is now even talk that he might be opening a third store in Crowlas.

He says, " I got they kids doin' all the jobs I can think of and till this programme is over I don’t have to pay any of ‘em. I tell ee -- it’s a proper job and no mistake!"

The contestants aren’t complaining, as their smiling faces show. From the left are Davey Vinicombe (21) from Rosudgeon, Caleb Tiddy (23) from Trevorgans, Janner "Shorty" Polkinghorne (35) from Penberth, Lydia Rodda (22) from Nantewas, Jimmy Woolcock (24) from Boskenna, Pascoe Ellis (sitting), 29, from Tregiffian, Billy Spargo (31) from Penmennor, with arm round "partner" Jimmy Carkeek (25) from Treave, and Jim Vingoe (26) from Silena.
CAMILLA LOSES IT!

As revealed in the last edition of the Roundup, "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall" (shown left), is actually Lily Nichols, an ex bag-lady from Perranuthnoe, who has succeeded in convincing large sections of the English media that she is an aristocrat.

Always eager to report on successful Cornish entrepreneurs, the Roundup caught up with Lily as she was taking the salute at a passing-out parade at Sandhurst. It was a sunny, breezy morning, and Lily looked every inch the part in an expensively-cut, resplendent black costume and large matching hat.

Her act was going well until, suddenly, a rogue gust of wind blew off her hat. Taken by surprise, Lily momentarily lost her cool. She was distinctly heard to say "Bleddy wind! 'Is like bein' up bleddy Trencrom in a force 9!"

"Camilla"'s aides looked at each other in astonishment: they had never heard such language, in such an accent, issue from her lips. Moments later, however, Lily, the consumate professional, had regained her composure, and all was well.
LOOK OUT, BRANSON -- HERE COMES A CORNISHMAN!
Story by Janner Batten and Picture by Hummy Williams

People from all over Relubbus gathered to see the amazing sight of Douglas Chadder’s attempted balloon flight around the world. Dougie, whose head can be seen emerging from the entrance to the balloon during the pre-flight test, announced with characteristic bravado "I aren’t gonna be beat by they up-country big mouths. Bleddy Branson do think ee’s some smart with is fancy balloon, but ee ebn seen nothin' yet. I’m gonna overtake ee, you see if I don’t."

Unfortunately, Mr Chadder’s attempt at global circumnavigation was thwarted when, failing to gain sufficient height after leaving Relubbus, his basket collided with Billy Peniluna’s amateur radio tower at Marazion. Dismissing this setback as "teething problems" and nursing his bruises, Mr Chadder, undaunted, is already planning his next trip.





Going on holiday? Then go with a Trenwith Caravan! These hand-crafted motor homes all come equipped with a window and lockable door! You can fill it with camp beds, chairs, or whatever you wish, to make that dream holiday an unforgettable experience. The cost is a mere snip at £8,750. For an extra £1,400, a water tank can be fitted and a bucket with chemicals supplied. Yes, we think of everything!! TRENWITH OF RELUBBUS.
ROY ORBISON SPOTTED IN TESCO
By Arts and Entertainment Correspondent Pimble Chicken

The Roundup has received several independent reports, from unimpeachable sources, that the legendary American singer-songwriter, Roy Orbison, was sighted in Relubbus Tesco's last Wednesday. Apparently, Roy, pictured left, is on an unpublicised visit to the UK, during which he is assessing possible venues for a future world tour. Relubbus, it seems, is high on his list.

The popular singer, who is rarely out of the Relubbus Top Ten, was happy to chat with surprised fans who were lucky enough to be in Tesco's that day.

A passing English tourist almost spoilt the party when he asserted that Roy Orbison had died in 1988. This claim produced screams of outrage and horror from the singer's loyal fans, and the unfortunate man was lucky to escape with his life. As he fled, he shouted back over his shoulder "It's a woman in a wig and dark glasses, it's obvious!"

In an unrelated incident on the same day, Relubbus ex-actress and male impersonator Diadora Ponce was forcibly committed to the Barncoose Secure Home for Terminally Confused Ex-Actresses and Male Impersonators.
RELUBBUS TOP TEN June 2007

1. Old Shep Elvis Presley
2. Brown-eyed 'Ansom Man Buddy Holly
3. Only the Lonely Roy Orbison
4. You Never Can Tell Chuck Berry
5. Waterloo Abba
6. Pretty Flamingo Manfred Mann
7. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band Beatles
8. This Is My Song Petula Clarke
9. A Whiter Shade of Pale Procul Harum
10. San Francisco (Be Sure To Wear Some Flowers In Your Hair) Scott MCKenzie
    

Inside the Tibetan Embassy in Relubbus

Continuing our journey around the different foreign embassies in Relubbus, we now take a peek behind the mysterious curtains of the Free Tibetan Embassy. In the centre of the picture on the left, we can clearly see the most illusive face of Mr Lobsang Norbu, here giving us a gracious smile. Mr Norbu hardly ever leaves the embassy compound except under cover of darkness and with a bathtowel over his head. Understandably self-conscious about his unusual looks, Mr Norbu has only once been seen in Tesco’s at Penzance and that was for a fleeting visit to the cash machine.

Saturday evenings at the Tibetan embassy are spent in appreciation of the aged practice of "throat-singing" to the accompaniment of the Piwang (Tibetan violin), here played by Techung Rabsel Takeaway. On the left of the picture -- enthusiastically joining in the throat singing for all she is worth - is Mr Norbu’s wife, the very charming Gonpo.

Gonpo has taken to life in Cornwall with great enthusiasm. She is often seen in the fields around Relubbus, armed with her bow and arrow, out hunting rabbits, whilst practising her throat-singing routines. She is also quite keen on Bingo and the ambassadorial car has often been seen dropping her off outside the Ritz in Penzance.

Free Tibet places great value on its relationship with Relubbus, seeing within it a formidable counterbalance to the growing economic and military might of China.

The Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) has yet to send anyone on diplomatic service abroad. Councillor Billy Spargo today stated "If we duh send anyone out to foreign parts, them lamas will be first on the list!"
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!

THE BATTLE OF THE RIVER PLATE

starring JOHN GREGSON, ANTHONY QUAYLE, and PETER FINCH


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.






Parmenus Jelbart speaks out!

Parmenus Jelbart has been following the Roundup’s occasional articles on the subject of gay rights and, as chairman of the Tregeseal "I Aren’t Queer Society" (IAQS) believes that he has a balanced contribution to make.

Parmenus (pictured left) believes in a productive debate, which takes full account of the opinion of all sides and which seeks to promote a society in which diversity can prosper.

He completely opposes rank homophobia and is a stern advocate of dialogue to advance mutual understanding. In his role of Chairman of the IAQS, he has worked tirelessly to promote better understanding of homosexuality within Tregeseal -- and indeed within St Just as a whole.

As he puts it himself so succinctly, " You kent jes ‘it someone cuz they’re queer. That id’n politically correct, as we duh call it. You gotta talk to un first so they understand jes why they’re gonna get a clout before you can let em ‘ave it."

Parmenus has been nominated for a Diversity Award to be given by the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

Parmenus is also a member of the St Just String Quartet and an enthusiastic member of the St Just New Testament Greek study group.
Swami Bhindra Conumdrum foretells all!

The Roundup’s resident astrologer, the Breton mystic Maurice Labalge, is in hospital following a recent serious and unforeseen accident. The Roundup wishes him well and welcomes the well-known Indian mystic Swami Conumdrum, who, happily but unexpectedly, has stepped in at short notice.

He is the mystic who knows our tomorrows, whose counsel will reduce all our sorrows!
Aries
This month is absolutely tophole for all people born under the sign of the Rum. You always like it things done jaldi jaldi and this month everything is dhotily jaldi. Be wary of a dark man with a curved sword and sign of snake on his arm. Avoid the St Just Kwop this week.

Taurus
Oh! oh! oh! Oh, oh,oh! I am deeply concerned on seeing what is befalling you this month. Do not despair. It is possible that a cure will be found within the next ten years. Until then try to avoid passing any naked flames. Looking on bright side, your venereal disease will completely clear up, leaving just small scars.

Gemini
What an amazing luck is it you have! In your garden in your rear, it is being found great quantities of oil. You have great jollity about this tophole outcome and are naturally desirous to share your good fortune with me as the harbinger of such gladly tidings for you and your widowed mother, who is nearly 90. I do accept cash.

Cancer
Showers of shavings of sandalwood descend from skies upon your head, enveloping you in the heady and intense perfume from that most wondrous tree. This is most necessary as your body odour is beginning to win you unwelcome attention. You should not be so proud of your strong smell. It not manly, only unpleasant. Perhaps goats might find it interesting -- maybe this is what you want. For now, I have saved you with sandalwood.

Leo
Jitnee Lambi Chadar ho Utna hee pair failana Chahina! This mean you should stretch your legs only till the size of your counterpane. You are overspending and you need to save money. Too many chapattis, too much meat -- all this is very bad. I can look after your money for you and give you small cash when you need.

Virgo
Door ke dhol suhavane lagte hain! Put her out of your mind -- she is out of reach for poor man like you. It is not good you think of her when you married with three children. Tighten belt and not be thinking such things.

Libra
You will have strong dreams about it you become ladies hairdresser in Ludgvan. This powerful thought will not let go, although unwise to specialise in coiffures for bald ladies, who will not like the polish idea. This idea good for men, but you should open business in Newlyn for this.

Scorpio
Mrs Hollis comes to offer you some good advice and you will be doing it well to listen it from her. She has strong breath and sound liver. It might be good idea to have sexual relationship with her.

Sagittarius
Sawan ke andhe ko sab hara hi hara nazar aatar hai! Wake up, you must see reality! You have lost your shop, your wife has walked out on you. Your paid lover will not perform for nothing. Your pet monkey has died and the Pendeen bus does not stop outside your house any more! You must pull it yourself together.

Capricorn
This week will see you receive tophole news about receiving many lakhs of rupees very jaldi indeed. You will be mega rich and can now embark on the film career you have always dreamed of, despite your advanced years. So on Monday, go into work, chuck in the job, go home and wait for the money to pile in.

Aquarius
For people under this star sign, this week is unusual in that nothing much happens. Everyone must sometimes have quiet time and this will be a one such time for you. Take full advantage because next week your whole world will be thrown upside down by the sudden death of your loved one. This is a terrible blow from which you will never recover, unless you pay for my help.

Pisces
It is not being good idea to wash feet before going in field! This is sign of silly person. Man Pisces must stop doing this and stop picking nose. Vooman Pisces must stop chatting and chatting too much till I get bad head-ache. This is not tophole. Dhotily good things lie ahead in future but too distant for I see it yet. However cash money to me can help intensify image and make it easy for me to say it this future.
Lonely Hearts
The Roundup is proud to have the opportunity of bringing together those in search of true love and happiness.

From an old-established family of Waziristan exiles living in Paul for the past 150 years, Abdul al Qazir al Gwavas is a young man looking for love. A shy 32-year-old painter and decorator by trade, Abdul has regrettably found that his appearance can be off-putting to the young ladies of Paul and its environs, but he is determined to buck the family trend of sending back to Waziristan for a wife and instead is looking for a local Muslim woman of good Cornish stock.

Abdul’s interests are playing the xylophone, the Sun crossword and breeding frogs and toads. He has also been runner-up for the last 13 years in the Mousehole marbles championship. Abdul is keen that interested young women should understand that he will require them to stay covered up all the time -- even in his presence and especially in the shower or bath -- even after marriage. On the plus side, this means that he has no preference as to looks as he will never see his wife. This is clearly an opportunity for the plug-ugly, so get writing to Box 4562.

Rosezina Cock, 26, of Landrivick Road, Pendeen is a sweet retiring maiden, who seeks a man with a good heart. Pictured here with her imaginary dog, Griffles, Rosezina leads a quiet life with her widowed mother, Kitty.

Rosezina has a part-time job at a nearby dairy farm, but her income is supplemented by state benefits. A firm believer in the virtues of telepathy as opposed to actual speech, she has not spoken since the age of 7, preferring instead to growl with meaning.

At her Gunwalloe boarding school for children with profound learning difficulties, she has picked up some writing skills and is in the habit of leaving notes for those who can’t pick up the telepathy or understand the growls. She is very fond of Fry’s Turkish Delight, fried breakfasts (though she can’t cook yet), the Shipping Forecast, and Emmerdale. She enjoys Blow Football. Box 5698

Simon Retallack (17), a wooden ventriloquist’s dummy from Crows an Wra, has grown tired of spending nights alone in a suitcase. He would like to meet a female wooden artefact or vent’s dummy, if there is one in the West Penwith area, for what he describes as "funsome fwolics after a few gottles". Simon does not discriminate and would be happy to meet human females, as well as dummies, provided that they are not fat or ugly and don’t mind the suitcase. Box 3481

Ambrose Pollard is a 51 year old single man looking to connect. A teacher by profession, Ambrose is deeply conscious of his professional duties and always wears his mortar board to keep a visible reminder before others and himself of his role in society. He is in charge of the reception class at Ludgvan Primary School. His hobbies are his train set, his mouth organ, and his 23 whippet dogs, who share his home with him at present.

Ambrose has no experience with the opposite sex and also assures us that he has had no experience with the same sex. He is deeply defensive about the nature of his relationship with his dogs, but says "I do love them all, bless them!".

Believing that now is the time to deepen his social interaction with non-canines, Ambrose waits to hear from you at Box 2381.

SPORTS NEWS

VICKERY SACKED BY RELUBBUS RFC!

Former England captain Phil Vickery has been sacked by Relubbus RFC -- only weeks after joining the club from London Wasps!

As reported in this organ a few weeks back, the World Cup-winner was recruited to boost Relubbus's ambitious plans to progress from Cornwall League 2, in which they currently play, to European Cup winners within five years.

Besides recruiting Vickery, and many more star names, multi-millionaire backer Dicky Penwallet has upgraded the Relubbus stadium to Premiership standards, with a new stand that can hold upwards of 30 people, and a state-of-the-art floodlight powered by a wind turbine on Treluglas moor. Yesterday Penwallet was tight-lipped, saying only that Vickery had left the club "on amicable terms".

The incumbent of the tighthead prop position before Vickery arrived, Joe Tregeagle (48), is expected to regain his place in the team. The 4 foot 11, 7 stone veteran said: "We 'ad a pre-season friendly with Roseland. When Vickery saw that git Roseland pack 'ee went pale and wet 'isself. Five minutes later 'eed 'ad all 'ee cud 'andle."

The "Raging Bull" was unavailable for comment yesterday.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• WAR LOOMS: SITUATION TENSE ON HAYLE BORDER

• POLITICAL SCOOP: GEORGE AND SPARGO IN SLANGING MATCH!
  

• Mozart alive and well -- and living in Relubbus!

• Roy Orbison spotted in KWIKSAVE!
  

• A visit to the Japanese Embassy in Relubbus

• Our socially-responsible Lonely Hearts column
  

• YOUR STARS, with Japanese mystic Yamada Taro
  

• And much, much more!