The eminent scientist, environmentalist, amateur fireman and President of the Relubbus Institute for Earth Sciences, Professor Madron Polglaze (121), has requested space in the august columns of the Roundup to pass comment on the recent speech by His Eariness the Duke of Cornwall on action to combat climate change.
The Roundup is honoured to make space available to this aged, but esteemed and venerable Relubbus academic (pictured here 60 years ago on his honeymoon in Finland with his civil partner – Professor Polglaze is the one with the speaking trumpet).
Whispering softly, but with passion, through his speaking trumpet, the great man said:
“Charles of Cornwall has made a statement to the effect that the Earth has only 96 more months in which to take effective action to combat Climate Change.
"You may well be asking “Just how does he know? Why is it not 95, 97 or 197?
"The answer is very easy. This man who would be king not only talks to plants, he also talks to little green men.
"These are strange little aliens (pictured left) with fanciful names like Porritt (Hobbit?) and Juniper.
"Many believe that, because of their spontaneous spitefulness, they are related to piskies, although they are clearly distinguished from true piskey folk by what psychiatrists have termed “the saviour complex”.
"These poor sad smug deluded ones have long believed that they alone have Flash Gordon solutions to save the Earth.
"Accessing universally available data on climate change and other environmental perils (data which is only contested by the severely mentally challenged, such as Clarkson), they have divined that they alone have the solutions.
"Such solutions involve other people doing exactly what they feel like telling them to do. However, if you are a saviour you need to be able to get your message across, and so they look for a means of transmission.
"With this aim in view, they then espy him - the man always desperately looking for a mission – the man with a life on his hands, looking for something to do, the man who wrings those hands and grins apologetically from one elephantine ear to the other for being there, the man looking for a purpose.
"Curiously, he is also the man who will do what ‘they’ tell him – as he has always been surrounded by those who tell him what to do and say. However, he is also the man whose titles make certain other recognition-thirsty folk listen. So how effective a person can he be in calling on others to make drastic change?
"Unlike most people on the Earth, Duke Charles is surrounded by many obvious signs of profligate opulence. He has, for instance, not one, not two, not three, but FOUR residences – all fit for a prince: Clarence House in London, Highgrove in Gloucestershire, Birkhall in Scotland 
and Llwynywermod in Wales.
"(His Dukeship can be seen in the attached photo uncharacteristically smoking a Havana cigar, whilst inspecting his new property acquisition with “one’s latest squeeze”).
"He is a travelling man with a fleet of vehicles, a world-beating air miles collection and a host of followers. He is a man with many servants and even more lackeys (defined as people, almost always folk of economic substance, who have somehow climbed the greasy pole whilst elbowing others off, folk who choose to defer and demean themselves in his presence in the hope of mere approval.)
"However, if you examine his direct (and indirect) environmental footprint, it is greater than that of almost any other person on this planet!
"Of course, the fawning, deluded little alien lackey boys ignore this fact completely.
"So how can this poor man redeem himself? Firstly, he should leave the matter of climate change and solutions to the United Nations. Global problems demand global solutions and, for the first time, we have a man in the White House who can deliver commitment on international agreements.
"Secondly – and remember we are speaking of redemption here – he should remember his wife’s title – Duchess of Cornwall. He should also remember that the only public place in which he and she first got a real welcome was in Cornwall – on the Isles of Scilly. He should recall his own title – Duke of Cornwall – and he should put his weight behind the recognition of Cornwall’s special claims, its nationhood, by campaigning for it to be granted the self-government it deserves, no less than its cousin nations of Wales and Scotland.”
121 is a good age. However, it is still sad for us to report that, after making this heartfelt plea, Professor Polglaze expired his last.
POLGLAZE ON CLIMATE, CHARLES AND CORNWALL
ALARM AT PISKEY/GOBLIN PROBLEM IN WEST PENWITH
There is widespread alarm at the recent outbreak of hostilities between Piskies and Hobgoblins in Heamoor. Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader Billy Spargo (98) was quoted only last year as saying that the Pisky problem had been brought under control and that no one had anything to fear from the activities of the ‘little people’ again. Key to the achievement of this agreement was the GRUC undertaking that Goblins would not be allowed into Cornwall.
However, this has sadly proven not to be the case. Goblins have somehow found their way in. Rural dwellers in West Penwith have become all too aware of a steady increase in Goblin incursions in recent months. Their presence is betrayed by screechily high pitch curses in the dead of night, pilfering, attacks on pets, tampering with water and frequent bad smells. They have been drawn here by Cornwall’s mild climate and ancient traditions of faery lore. (Yes, that’s ‘faery’, not ‘fairy’, Nigel).
Native Piskies have been with us always. Some say that they were here before us and will be here after we have gone. They usually grow to a height of between 2ft 6 ins and 3 ft tall, although in the 16th century the noted giant Piskey, Taroveor Menheniot, grew to the great height of 4 ft 3 ins.
Piskey folk tend to keep themselves to themselves and do not take to mixing much with us humans. They can choose to be helpful to us, but just as often and easily, they can choose to caggle up our activities for pure mischief’s sake. When they do talk to us, it is always in the broadest St Buryan accent or in Kernewek.
Goblins, on the other hand, are not indigenous to Cornwall. They are bigger (growing to 4 ft 6 ins), look very ugly and have foul manners and habits. They are lazy, they steal, they get very high on dandelion juice, they delight in making bad smells (which is a form of making music for them), and they take enormous pleasure in disrupting human life.
They are competing with our native Piskies for territory.
Cambron Trembath, (52) the Chairman of the Relubbus Society for the Promotion of Responsible Interactions with Cornish Piskies (RSPRICK) said this could be just like the sad story of the squirrel. “Years ago, we used to ‘ave they neat little red squirrels ‘ere, till they bleddy American greys moved in!” He advocates strong action against Goblins to preserve the way of life of the Cornish Piskey.
On Saturday, at the Relubbus Central Square, just off Boswedden Lane, there will be a mass rally in support of our native Piskies and crowds of around 50,000 to 60,000 are expected to gather.
Billy Spargo is expected to address the crowds and, since he is no stranger to controversy, it is widely rumoured that he is prepared to authorise the release to the Piskies of tankerloads of "turnick an’ rhubarb juice". Innocuous to humans and Piskies alike, the mixture is deadly to Goblins. This radical measure will drive out the Goblins in hours.
Having heard of Spargo’s rumoured intentions, ‘English’ Gordon, the UK Prime Minister, speaking, bejacketed but tieless, from his holiday bunker in Suffolk declared that “the human rights issues in the matter needed to be ventilated”.
Spargo’s response? “If that asshole spent ten minutes in a room with a Goblin, he’d knaw it wadden't human and the room would need bleddy ventilatin!!”
