EXCLUSIVE
By undercover reporter Rendell Janner
The Roundup has uncovered disturbing evidence of a terrorist threat to Relubbus. Your intrepid reporter recently infiltrated a terrorist training camp at a secret location on Bodmin Moor. The purpose of the camp was to manufacture Bronze Age weapons of mass destruction (WMDs) -- i.e. swords.
My information is that these WMDs are to be turned against Relubbus!
The terror cell's leader, shown left, is a hairy biker known only as "Tommo". I learned that he is a renegade archaeologist with an extensive knowledge of Bronze and Iron Age weaponry and manufacturing techniques. He is the author of many popular works including the best-selling Dummies Guide to Archaeology, Iron Smelting for Fun and Profit, and How To Commit a Bronze Age Murder.
Tommo, from the notorious East Appleford estate on the Isle of Wight, was joined at the camp by a motley collection of New Age Travellers, American arms enthusiasts, Dutch folklore-junkies, German Neo-Goths, and Irish ex-IRA men.
No matter that it takes a considerable amount of time, skill -- and luck (the process is not perfect) -- to manufacture a single bronze blade; and that making and fitting the haft takes even longer: these weapons are deadly! As was proven when, during a session of drunken horseplay involving a mock duel, one of the trainees succeeded in slicing off his own arm!
Tommo, or "Dr Tommo" as he prefers to be known, first came to international notice as the discoverer of the famed Roman colony in Relubbus, which has miraculously survived unchanged since classical times. Its citizens wear togas, adhere to ancient Roman law, and -- until very recently -- were unaware of the existence of the modern industrialised world.
Why does Dr Tommo want to destroy Relubbus? Who knows? He is a charismatic but enigmatic character who speaks in a broad Isle of Wight accent that is often difficult for "overners" (people from the other side of the Solent) to understand.
From what I could piece together, it seems that, following his discovery of the Roman colony, he had a major disagreement with Councillor Billy Spargo, the Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC). According to Dr Tommo, the disagreement resulted from the misappropriation, by Councillor Spargo, of funds intended for future archaeological research. Mr Spargo was unavailable for comment yesterday.
BRONZE AGE BIKERS TERRORISE RELUBBUS
Issue 7, 16th July 2007
INTERNATIONAL NEWS
SITUATION "VERY TENSE" ON HAYLE BORDER
by Foreign Correspondent Chester Minute
The long-running border dispute between Greater Relubbus and the People's Republic of Hayle has flared up again, after a bellicose speech by firebrand Relubbus Councillor Billy Spargo. Addressing the Relubbus Foreign Relations Committee, he asserted that the new border established after the 1968 "4-Day War" unfairly penalized Relubbus, by ceding to Hayle vast acres of land traditionally regarded as being part of Greater Relubbus. In particular, he said, Polglaze's dairy farm had been seized by the Haylors and shamefully turned into a "theme park", known as "Merlin's Magical Land".
The disputed area is shown in yellow in the map.
Councillor Spargo went on to claim that several Hayle businesses owned by Relubbusites had been fire-bombed. It was time, he said, to take action to protect Relubbus citizens resident in Hayle.
Last night, an armoured column of Relubbus Waste Disposal Trucks (WDTs) was seen moving towards the border. The WDTs are shown left, at their base at Relubbus's Camp Xray, prior to departure.
On the Hayle side, all army leave has been cancelled and reservists have been called up. It is rumoured that the Republic's crack troops, the 1st Hayle Alpine Brigade (shown below), are dug in close to the border.
Meanwhile, frantic diplomatic efforts are being made to avoid catastrophe. It is understood that Lower Gwavas, the current chair of the Union of Kernow States, is desperately trying to broker a last-minute deal between the opposing sides.
The next few days will tell whether it's to be peace or war. The Roundup will bring you all the news as it happens!
SCOOP OF THE DAY: GEORGE AND SPARGO IN SLANGING MATCH!
By Political Editor Loveday Olds
Shoppers in Simpsons of Penzance were treated to some unexpected entertainment when Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader, Billy Spargo (shown on the left, below), happened upon the Westminster MP for the St Ives Division, Andrew George (shown right, below), in the shop. Naturally, the Roundup was there and is able to report the spat verbatim.
Billy was in quest of a new headscarf for his Enty May’s birthday. "Nothun too speshul, something fer everyday, you duh knaw!"
Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed George skulking in the shadows in a desperate attempt to escape his gaze. The two men have long been known to be bitter enemies and George has often had to suffer the venom of Spargo’s acid tongue.
Mr Spargo regards the Westminster Parliament, in which Mr George seeks to represent the interests of the West Penwith community, as a useless relic from the recent past. According to Spargo, his Relubbus supporters, and growing numbers around Cornwall, the true interests of Kernow go unaddressed by most of the political institutions of today, with the notable exception of the GRUC.
Regarded by many outsiders as just another part of England, Cornwall - or Kernow -- was once a country with its own unique and proud traditions, culture, customs, practice, and language, having more in common with Brittany than Devon. These unique badges of nationality have not entirely disappeared, but have merely dimmed, and in the hearts of many a Spargo, Clemo, or Jago the embers of nationhood await no more than the soft hush of the breath of recognition to be fanned into flames. In a man like Spargo, the flames are already burning bright and his passion is palpable to all. To his followers, the legitimacy of his position on the "Cornish question" is unquestionable and much more securely founded than that of George, a mere footsoldier in Westminster.
The following exchange took place:
Spargo: "'Ere, George, ‘sthat you over there lurkin’?"
George: "Oh hello, Mr Spargo, what a pleasant surprise -- I didn’t see you there!"
Spargo: "Call yerself Cornish? Whaddyou doin fer we up London? We wanna shut down the border and pack in all this London politickin' mullarkey. ‘Ome rule fer the whole of Cornwall, jes like we got now fer Relubbus -- th’s what we duh want."
George: "Mr Spargo, if you would just give me the chance to explain my position... I really am trying to do my best for the people of this region. I would be most grateful to have the chance of coming to Relubbus to address the council... "
Spargo: "I aren’t listening to any o’ this rubbish and I can tell ee something else too. Relubbus idden gonna pay any more subsidies to either London or Brussels. We are withdrawin’ all fundin' as of now."
George: "But Mr Spargo, the European Union will collapse and the London government cannot function without the generous subsidies Relubbus has been paying."
Spargo: "Old yer tongue, boy -- I ebben finished yet. Relubbus is removin' all its forces from NATO too!"
George: (After stoney silence) "Splutter... Cough... Cough! Please, Mr Spargo... are you joking?"
Spargo: "NO, I AREN’T!"
Whereupon, Mr Spargo turned on his heel and left without a further word -- leaving Mr George dazed and speechless.
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ROY ORBISON SPOTTED IN KWIKSAVE
As reported in the last edition of the Roundup, Roy Orbison, the famed American singer/songwriter who is seldom out of the Relubbus Top Ten, is planning a "comeback" world tour -- and he has chosen Relubbus as the venue for the UK leg of the tour. Indeed, Roy has been so impressed by the passion and loyalty of his Relubbus fans that he will play not one but two gigs in the city; and Relubbus will have the distinction of hosting the first and the last of the tour concerts.
Roy (shown above posing for surprised fans in Hayle Kwiksave last week), is currently paying his second visit to Relubbus in as many months, as he finalizes details of the tour.
Councillor Billy Spargo confirmed last night that, in a special deal arranged by himself, the Relubbus Methodist Hall had been booked for both gigs. To cater for the expected huge demand for tickets it was planned to bring in extra folding chairs from the WI, he said. Quizzed about ticket prices, Councillor Spargo said that they would "reflect the stellar nature of the talent on show and the huge logistical difficulties in bringing the "Big O" to Relubbus". "If people want tuh see 'un they'll 'ave tuh cough up!" he said.
Mozart -- alive and well and living in Marazion!
The international music world was set ablaze with wild excitement -- and near disbelief -- at the shock news that Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart -- formerly, but erroneously, believed to have died in 1791 -- is in fact alive and well and still at work in Marazion. Mr Mozart claims to have retired from the scorching glare of international superstar publicity and to have retired long ago for the peace, quiet and obscurity of rural life in 18th century Cornwall, since when he has continued to thrive in good health, living under the assumed name of Dickie Trembath.
The picture on the left shows Mr Mozart at the tender age of 21 and was, as Mr Trembath says, "taken" in 1777. "Photeegraphs wadden too good back in them days ", he maintains.
Mr Mozart was known as a musical child prodigy and is considered by many to have been one of the greatest ever composers of classical music -- and he displayed equal talents in performance. Mr Trembath, as he now likes to be called, comments "Es, I could knock up a good tune in them days!" Today he plays no other instrument than the spoons, but does so with astounding dexterity and with considerable accomplishment, a regular favourite being the Cornish song "Goin up Camborne ‘ill".
Mr Trembath has disappointed many of his German acolytes by his refusal to converse with them in German, leading some critics to conclude that his claim to be the musical maestro is false. Mr Trembath is quite affronted at such suggestions, maintaining with vigour that "anyone what do say that I aren’t Mozart is a bleddy liar and is goin to get ‘is face smashed in!"
Mr Trembath is pictured on the left playing a shortened version of his Symphony Number 40, which sounds curiously like "Trelawny".
Despite vicious claims that Mr Trembath is making this story up in order to improve his currently parlous financial circumstances, he maintains that all is true. The experts continue to investigate and the Roundup will continue to report!
Ponce escapes from Barncoose
It is reported that Relubbus ex-actress and male impersonator Diadora Ponce has absconded from the Barncoose Secure Home for Terminally Confused Ex-Actresses and Male Impersonators. Last month, Ponce convinced shoppers in Relubbus TESCO's that she was none other than Roy Orbison, the legendary American singer who died in 1988. (Reuters).
RELUBBUS TOP TEN July 2007
- The Great Pretender The Platters
- My Way Frank Sinatra
- San Francisco (Be Sure To Wear Some Flowers In Your Hair) Scott MCKenzie
- A Hard Day's Night Beatles
- Brown-eyed 'Ansom Man Buddy Holly
- Blue Bayou Roy Orbison
- A Whiter Shade of Pale Procul Harum
- Brand New Key Melanie
- Dancing Queen Abba
- In The Mood Glen Miller
HUSTLE'S REVENGE: defrocked Parish Council Chairman Returns To Terrorise Relubbus
By Court Correspondent John Willie Polkinghorne, at Relubbus Crown Court
As reported in an earlier edition of the Roundup, boy-racer Derek Hustle (63) was sacked as Chairman of Wellwhit Parish Council on the Isle of Wight, after being convicted of speeding at Relubbus Magistrates' Court.
In Relubbus Crown Court yesterday, the jury was told that Hustle was so incensed by this turn of events that he returned to Relubbus, intent on revenge. The prosecution alleged that his intention was to "spread fear and confusion among the population, by driving down the High Street at speeds in excess of 30 mph."
In evidence, P.C. Obed Carne said:
"'Ee wuz goin' down the 'igh Street even faster than las' time. I clocked 'un at 33 mph. 'Ee was wearin' one o' they 'ats with the peak at the back, drivin' one-'anded, an' makin' gestures an' shouting abuse out o' the window."
Hustle's solicitor said that this time he could offer little in the way of mitigation, adding that, in his opinion, Hustle was a "depraved character" and "a thoroughly bad man" who deserved to go down for a considerable period.
Mr Justice Bolitho-Baraganaweth evidently agreed, as he sentenced Hustle to serve a minimum of 15 years in Bodmin gaol. "The public must be protected", he said, "from renegade Parish Council Chairmen!"
Hustle was unrepentant as he was led away (disguised as a woman) to begin his sentence.
Mrs Hustle was led away in tears by Relubbus Council Chairman Billy Spargo, who had attended court to see justice done. As they left, he placed a comforting arm around her shoulder. It is understood that he is acting as Mrs Hustle's agent in negotiations with the Roundup for the rights to serialize the story of her tempestuous life with Hustle. Order the next Roundup now!
JOURNEY DOWN EMBASSY ROW
This week, the Roundup takes a peek at what is going on inside the Japanese Embassy in Relubbus.
At No.4 Pridden lane in Relubbus is the luxurious, rambling edifice that is the Japanese Embassy. Here, as the personal representative of the Emperor in Relubbus, is the Ambassador, His Excellency Xaibatsu Kotsuhiro, his charming wife, Michiko, and their little boy, Nagasaki.Mr Kotsuhiro believes it is essential that the "Japanese" quality of the embassy and its inhabitants should be preserved, and consequently everyone must wear Japanese national dress at all times. Fish ‘n’ chips are not allowed more than once a week. However, the family does try to play a full part in local Cornish life.
Mrs Kotsuhiro has joined the Relubbus Young Farmers’ Women’s Club, in which she is known as ‘Kyoto Kate’, in order to protect Cornish palates from having to negotiate complex Japanese vowels. Little Nagasaki attends the local Cornish Nationalist Primary School, in which he is a regular playtime favourite as the Japanese soldier, and then prisoner, in the ever-popular war game "Get the Nip".
When he gets a spare moment from the permanently-taxing negotiations with the Greater Relubbus Urban Council’s Foreign Relations Committee (GRUCFRC), the Ambassador takes part in car maintenance evening classes in nearby Goldsithney. Mr Kotsuhiro, who does not speak English, comments "Gou ni itte wa, gou ni shitagae" . Zakky Rosewarne, Translator-in-Chief for the GRUCFRC, stated "it is s'posed to be something about ‘When in Rome, do as the Romans’, but I’m a bit worried by that last word, which has definitely got 'shit' in it".
Regardless of the formulation of words, it is clear from the nods of the head and the frequent smiles that the whole Kotsuhiro family, despite having no English, is making every effort to fit in. The only two words in English that the Kotsuhiros possess are "Proper Job", which goes down very well in Cornwall. However, alone amongst the Relubbus diplomatic community, the Kotsuhiros have made good attempts to master Cornish and can be heard chattering away in simple Cornish amongst themselves, politely enquiring after each other's health ("Fatla genes?"), and eagerly responding "Yn poynt da, meur rasta", and so on.
Loveday Jacka, of the Cornish for World Language Society (COWLS), believes that the support of the Japanese could be vital in securing the position of Cornish as the new UN-preferred global language. We shall see, but, for now, say "Sayonara" to the Kosuhiros.
LONELY HEARTS THAT YEARN FOR YOU!
Bamshad al akbar al St Erth (31) is a shy retiring man, now on the lookout for a wife. Bamshad is a member of an extreme Methodist community that has its headquarters in Tregeseal. He has a steady job at the Warrens Pasty factory in St Just, where he deploys his skills in crimping and egg-washing at the end of the production conveyor belt.Bamshad is very fond of making souffles, at which he assures us he is a dab hand. He is a member of the Pendeen triangle quintet and is also the reigning conkers champion of West Penwith. A committed environmentalist, he has spent the last 10 years building his own house, which has been assembled entirely from beach pebbles and sheep dung.
Bamshad is looking for a woman who will appreciate his quiet, but manly, approach to life. He would especially like to meet someone who is seriously into home baking. If you think that you are Bamshad’s ideal girl, then Box 3047 is the one for you.
"Terry", as he likes to be called is not really from St Ives at all. In fact, he is from another dimension. He zapped into our world by mistake and has been trapped here ever since.Since he arrived (in 1503) Terry has tried to fit into the local community as best he can. He claims to be 46,587 years old in Earth terms, but sadly in all that time (including 504 years on our planet) he has never had a relationship with a female (of any species).
Terry completely supports the Gordon Brown idea of an integrated Britain celebratory and inclusive of all its inhabitants (particularly him!). He has a good, regular job as a scarecrow on a farm near Nancledra and has built a hut on the top field there. To make his idyll complete, he needs -- at long last -- the love of a good Cornishwoman.
Terry plays the bazurmekkekek (an instrument from his home planet, which he was playing at the time he zapped in here). He assures us that the music is beautiful, but it is sadly inaudible to human ears.
Not able to speak, Terry is a fantastic telepath -- yes, it really works! Unfortunately, he possesses no genitalia, but hopes that this will prove no problem to a woman with a loving heart. If that is you, then Box 5629 is the one for you.
The Roundup does not discriminate against anyone on the grounds of race, religion, sexual orientation, or indeed on any basis. For this reason, we have not shrunk from accepting the following advert.
Madeleine and Tommy Roskilly of Treverven are in their late nineties and have been married since they were 18, never once straying from one another. Now growing conscious that the day when the Grim Reaper will call is stealing up on them, they have decided that they would like to "experiment".They would like to meet a young Cornish couple who are both 18 -- like they once were- so that they can, in "swopsies", experience the physical passion and youthful vigour that was once theirs.
It would be helpful if one, or both, of the young couple were to have some medical experience.
As they have no bath or shower, Madeleine and Tommy would prefer to meet for their trysts at the other couple’s home, so that they could experience a bath or shower afterwards. Write to Box 3498 if you think that you meet the bill.
Parrasmus Pascoe (age unknown) is on the lookout for love. A night worker, he finds it difficult to meet and get to know young ladies.Although he has taken a Cornish name, Parrasmus is not from these parts and speaks slowly and deliberately in an accent that would seem to hint at an East European origin. He enjoys the cold and abhors light. He does not talk much and seems to have no family. He does display some fondness towards the pet bats and rats that share his home.
Parrasmus is honest about his foul breath problem, but very cagey about just what it is that he does at night. He knows that he is something of a challenge, but believes that there must be many young women out there who would like a man that is different. Box 4561 is the one to go for.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!
THE SOUND OF MUSICstarring JULIE ANDREWS, CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER, and RICHARD HAYDN
1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.
YOUR STARS, with Japanese mystic Yamada Taro
We regret to have to report that, owing to unforeseen circumstances, the Swami Bhindra Conumdrum is unable to provide a horoscope this week -- or indeed ever again. In a curious and unfortunate co-incidence, while he was providing cover last week for Maurice Labalge, who had had a serious and completely unforeseen accident, he himself was accidentally injured -- fatally. Our thoughts are with the Swami’s family and friends.
However, we are pleased to announce that Mr Yamada Taro, a bric-a-brac salesman and fortune-teller from Tokyo, currently on holiday here in Newlyn and resident at the Tolcarne Inn, has very kindly stepped into the breach to provide us with forecasts, which he has produced with the aid of his Japanese/Engrish phrasebook!Aries Banzai! How much dat cost, prease? I would rike to buy a pair of shoes. Dat bird have got no feathers. So sorry! Thank you!
Taurus Prease may I have one ice rorry? Toiret in my room do not frush properry. Also paper getting very row. I rike Cornish pasties very much -- they are dericious. Cor, take a rook at dat dorry bird!
Gemini Prease may I have new right burb. One in toiret not work proper. Banzai and so sorry!
Cancer Rittle seagurr just dropped pire of shit on shoulder -- dat mean very good ruck! You very rucky person.
Reo I know dat smoking not now good, but prease may I have one right for cigarette? Banzai! Your rady friend have nice knockers! You rucky man! Terevision not work in TV rounge -- dat not good.
Virgo Prease may I have one pint of rager? Orso rarge packet of peanuts. Thank you oh so much! Banzai! Ornamentar garden is beautiful and rook rovery with rirries! Remind me of gardens back hone in Nippon. Prease terr me where I can buy new pair of crean underpants? Banzai!
Ribra The rising sun bathe da whole worrd in rovery right! Dat wonderful! Banzai! Down at harbour, the ruggers set off for open sea to catch da fresh fish we rove so much arso in Nippon. As you might guess, I particurrary fond of nice piece of ring. Dat crock wrong! It not ereven o’ crock yet!
Scorpio Rittre ries can catch us out! Banzai! Prease may I have another srice of hogs pudding? It taste especiarry rovery! Where is pubric toiret, prease? I need to take a srash! Thank you for being so kind -- prease come see me in Nippon!
Sagittarius Prease, the erevator is broken and I get very right-headed on the stairs. May I say dat your wife got rearry nice regs! Wow! She what we call in Nippon a right rooker! Do you serve rice wine with the fish and chips?
Capricorn I would rike to go to the zoo to see the rions and erephants. Anteropes arso great favourite -- to eat as werr in Nippon! On Karaoke, may I sing "Ive got a rovery bunch of coconuts?" Banzai!
Aquarius Dey say dat it is better to have roved and rost dan never to have roved at all! Banzai! True dat! I rive arone in my shop. I hoping to meet rovery woman stir, who wirr rive wiv me and we rive rong rife togevver. Prease, may I have another rager with rice wine chaser prease? Dis rager broody good!
Pisces The rast is the best! Banzai! Make dat another rager with rice wine prease! It just srips down the throat. I am getting werr oired, as you say in Engrish! I fink dat Cornwarr is rovery prace. I want marry rovery Cornish girr and she come back in Tokyo wive me -- rive in shop! Banzai ! Sor sorry One more rager prease!
IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE
- SPARGO SAYS PAKISTAN EMBASSY "TOO BIG": Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner reports.
- EXCLUSIVE: identity of royal con-man revealed! Society Correspondent Rendell Janner reports.
- Mousehole Girls Do Us Proud: Arts Correspondent Rendell Janner reviews the controversial new nude production of South Pacific.
- PC Trembath in trouble again! Crime Correspondent Rendell Janner takes a look at the unorthodox methods of Relubbus's maverick crime-buster!
- Up Chapel: our Religious Affairs Correspondent, Ayatollah Osama Bin Trezidder, reports on the latest Methodist jihad.
- Down Pendrawartha's: Senior Citizen Correspondent Rendall Janner visits Pendrawartha's Home for the Elderly.
- Over 'Arry's: Crime Correspondent Rendell Janner reports on the chipshop war!
- In School: Education Correspondent Rendell Janner investigates the unusual methods of controversial headmaster James Bovenna.
- Inside the Indian Embassy: Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner continues his series on the Relubbus diplomatic community.
- Poetry Corner: Literary Editor Emily Bindweed discovers the source of boy-phenomenon Philip Trudgeon's talent.
- 'Oos dead? Our ever-popular Obituaries section.
- And much, much more!
Issue 4, 4th June 2007
EXCLUSIVE: BLAIR SEEKS TOP JOB AT GRUC!
As many political commentators have suspected, Tony Blair, after giving up the role of Prime Minister is now making his play for the big job -- as globe-trotting Foreign Relations Councillor for Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).The lucky job-holder is not only able to travel -- free -- all over Cornwall and sometimes outside, but also has the benefit of a fully-furnished council flat on Gwavas Estate, with a sea-view only 4 minutes walk away.
Blair’s wife, Cherie, has been seen in Andrewartha’s, Penzance, eyeing up furniture for the flat (paid for by the council). She has also been reported as applying for a job as an assistant solicitor at Harvey’s in Morrab Road. Furthermore, we are reliably informed that the Blairs’ older children have applied for part-time jobs in the area (at Morrisons and the Kwop); this in order to shore up Blair’s local credentials and thus improve his chances of getting the job, for which there is the stiffest local competition.
The bookies’ hot favourite is Jan Trevanion, a granite quarryman from New Mill. A very youthful and sprightly 112 years old, Mr Trevanion has been dutifully waiting for what is commonly viewed as one of the greatest sinecures in the gift of GRUC.Pictured on the left looking quietly confident, Mr Trevanion tells the Roundup that he has nothing to fear from Blair. "Blair idn local, kent speak Cornish an 'ee abn’t got un ‘ope in ‘ell of taking my job. I was ‘ere first and I aren’t goin nowhere!"
Mr Trevanion’s cousin, Ezekiel, held the job for some twenty years before his untimely death last month at the age of 147. As many believe that you need Trevanion blood to do the job, there will be uproar locally if Blair gets it. The Roundup will be first with the news!
We’re watching you!
Lorry Botheras, "Fats" Hocking and Violet Tregonning (disguised) are expert sleuths employed by the Roundup to sniff out stories.
So whether you’re nattering on the St Just bus, having a bit of chat over the fence, or musing to yourself in the House of Office, just remember we’re on the case.
The Roundup never sleeps -- never misses!
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GAY RIGHTS -- Should we take them up?
This is a snapshot taken at the St Ives Lesbian and Gay Rights Festival. It depicts one man's, "Winker" Rosewarne’s, attempt to "come out". Winker (49), a single man who lives quietly with his mother, Agnes (93), took advantage of the Festival to reveal his true bent, much to the shock of both his mother and his employers, Andrewartha’s Dairies.
Mr Marchmount Andrewartha commented "Come Monday, that bender’s sacked. I aren’t 'avin 'ee deliver my milk no more."
This kind of outdated homophobic attitude is, of course, entirely unacceptable in the 21st century. Should the Roundup become a campaigning organ for benders’ rights? We want your views!
Local man (98) dies unexpectedly
The Roundup brings you the sad news of the unexpected death of Mr Singlong "Chinky" Hong, who passed away at the weekend. A much-loved local character, Mr Hong was always pleased to be known simply as Chinky to patrons of his restaurant "The Chopped Stick", the first Chinese restaurant to be opened in Penzance back in the 1960s.
He was often heard to say, with a chuckle, "Guiloes no pronounce my name right, betta I say I Chinky!". Chinky was married to the 1956 Miss Halsetown, Catherine Trembath. The couple had no children.
A memorial service will be held at Chapel St Methodist Church on Wednesday at 3.00pm. According to Chinky’s last wishes, no flowers should be sent, but instead donations should be made to the Penzance branch of the Chinese Opium Smokers’ society.
CELEBRITY NEWS
with Court and Social editor Elsie Rescorla
Tregavarah Operatic Society Star adopts Colinsey Road child
Priscilla Rodda, the much-loved opera diva from Tregavarah, has adopted at last!
After fruitless years of treatment at the Bojuthno Trudgen Institute for Artificial Insemination, Priscilla has adopted a child from Maureen Coke, of 31, Colinsey Road, Treneere.
The child, believed to be female, was offered up by Maureen for adoption by Priscilla in exchange for an undisclosed sum.
Planning news:
Lamorna to be used for storage of nuclear waste shock!
Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) has struck again with a shock piece of news for picturesque Lamorna (left).
GRUC has signed a £40 million per year deal with the Republic of Ukraine to accept nuclear waste, which will be stored in Lamorna harbour.
Councillor Archibald Coke was unrepentant and unapologetic in giving out the news. "I dunno what they people are complaining about. I’s only a bitta waste. We’ll putten under the sand in the harbour and put a fence up round un. Tourists can hire Geiger counters at 50p a time and do their own measurin'."
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Standard two clown versions cost £1,500, but the de luxe 6 clown special is available, during the summer only, for a mere £7,500.
Enquire also about our Firework Special Cremation service, called "The Blaster".
COURT REPORT
By Court Correspondent John Willie Polkinghorne, at Relubbus Magistrates' Court
Parish Council Chairman Terrorises Relubbus
Boy-racer Derek Hustle (63), the Chairman of Wellwhit Parish Council on the Isle of Wight, has been convicted of speeding.
In evidence, P.C. Obed Carne said:
"I clocked 'un 'urtlin' down Relubbus High Street at 32 mph. 'Ee was drivin' one-'anded, and wavin' a bottle of dry white wine in his other 'and. When 'ee got to the end of the street, 'ee did un 'and-brake turn and 'urtled back again. By this time, some ladies 'ad become 'istorical, an' 'Epzibah Pollock's prize sow, Gwennifyr, which 'ad been crossin' the street at the time, 'ad its litter then and there."
In mitigation, Hustle's solicitor explained that Hustle was not used to Relubbus roads. On the Isle of Wight, he said, people thought nothing of driving at speeds up to 35 mph. Just as the Isle of Man is known as "motor bike island", so the I.O.W. has been described as "racing car island", due to its proliferation of high-speed motorways.
Hustle (shown on the left leaving court disguised as a woman) asked for 17 other offences to be taken into account and was sentenced to 60 hours community service. He was also fined £3 and ordered to pay costs of £2.15.
Appropriately enough, it is understood that the Parish Council of Wellwhit has voted to defrock its erstwhile Chairman.
Proper Job - Cornish for the Non-Cornish
Gunnabuyunaree?
No, this is not an advertisement. This is the Relubbas Roundup’s way of introducing Cornish for the Non-Cornish.
Gunnabuyunaree? = "Are you considering the purchase of…..?"
I aren’t = "No, I am not."
Plumiza? = "Is he a little slow on the uptake?"
Queeriza? = "Is he gay?"
Bumdoee? = "Are you gay?"
Poetry Corner
Kenidjack Poetical, Literary and Philosophical Club
Annual Prize for Poetry in 2007
Awarded to Nellie Boskerris of Nanjizal, for her poem
I duh...
I duh do the washin on Mondays.
I duh go cleanin Tuesdays.
I duh like to stay ome Wednesdays, there’s plenty of cleanin ome to do.
I duh clean up in the back ‘ouse, make sure there’s plenty o newspaper.
Nuthin worse n bein stuck out there at 9 o’ clock on a winter’s eve, done your business, screamin for paper, but no one can ear you for the wind.
I duh gwup town regular for shoppin - buy n fresh and cook n fresh - thas me.
Thursdays I duh go old folks ome to elp out - git a bit a money for un too.
Fridays I duh do bakin and praps gwup town for a bitta geek roun.
Saturdays I’d put on my party frock and d’ go up bingo for a bit laugh.
Enty May’s Problem Page
Readers are invited to seek Enty May’s benevolent guidance on sensitive matters of the heart, soul, body and human relations in general. In a previous issue, we stated that Enty May had a background of long term psychiatric care. We now understand that she herself received the care, rather than dispensing it. Since her words of advice are greatly valued, we do not regard past severe instability as an impediment to her role in this organ.
Course I aren’t gunna tell the pleece. 'Owever, I was wundrin 'ow much blackmail money I could ask for to keep quiet?
Dear Enty, I duh 'ate my mother-in-law. 'Ow can I get rid of 'er fer keeps.
Enty replies: Well, my 'ansome, best way I can think of is t' bake she a nice pasty, but put plenty of rat poison innun. Put enough innun and she’ll be out your way.
Question from Elvia Cock (49) of Nanquidnick:Dear Enty, My 'usbant says I am now ugly as sin and 'ee duh want to get rid o’ me. 'Ee 'ave now got a girlfrien' – some 22 year old scrubber 'ee picked up down Barn Club. What do I do?
Question from Oliver Addicoat (16) of Heamoor:
Enty replies: Well, my cock, you’re some proper little man thinking about yer family name. Yer mother should be proud of 'ee.
If you want to get your own ASBO, you gotta' get noticed and that might be difficult with so many talented people in your street.If I were you, I would concentrate on the old folks’ flats. Start off with breaking bottles o’ milk, smasha few windows and work yer way all the way up to explosives through the door. Best a luck, my ansome!
LONELY HEARTS
The Roundup recognises its social responsibilities towards the community it serves in many ways. One of these is by helping unattached folk to meet suitable partners. We hope that the following people will soon meet love’s young dream.
Josiah Tredwin, 39, ("I’m the handsome one on the right!") is a skilled grave-digger and night watchman who has devoted so much time to professional development that he -- like many another professional -- has had little time for meeting the right person.
He is looking for a similarly professional young woman (say a doctor of about 28 years of age) with whom he can share the burden of care for his father and to help him in his practical exploration of the Kama Sutra. "I would like for she to 'ave a car, 'cos I gotta gwin town on the bus at the moment". The authorities have asked us to add that Josiah is fully registered with the Criminal Records Bureau. BOX 4772.
Shazzer Tregwin (24) is a girl who likes to have fun. She lists her interests as Bingo, drinking, fish ‘n’ chips, the Lottery, "all the gossip magazines", experimental sex, shoes, handbags, chocolate, and lingerie.
Archie Woolcock (45) is a local preacher, male voice choir member, and leader of a prayer group in Trelidden.
He runs a youth football team, and is a boy scout leader and Sunday School teacher. He has a job in the dry dock. An only child, he lives at home with his Mum and Dad.
Now that he has started wearing long trousers, he believes that it is time for him to meet girls, but it must be someone of whom his mother fully approves. His ideal woman would look like his Mum -- "a bit younger, of course!". BOX 2024.IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE
- Camilla: shocking revelations!
- Henry VIII reincarnated in Penzance!
- Latest on the police search for master Crows an Wra criminal Jimmy "Boots bag" Dash .
- Millionaire Rosudgeon recluse Jasper Behenna's search for a young bride: the truth behind the rumours.
- Local doctor in sex scandal!
- Leader of chart-topping St Buryan music combo unmasked!
- Bumper edition of our socially-responsible "Lonely Hearts" section.
- And much, much more!
Issue 2, 23rd April 2007
ANOTHER FIRST FOR THE ROUNDUP!
The picture shows Morvah’s first ‘civil partnership’ couple, Douglas Penberthy, and his partner, William Addicoat, in the midst of their attempt at the West Cornwall non-stop piano-playing record (Gays’ section).
Dougie and Willie are well-known characters on the Morvah scene and have spent much of their spare time in charitable acts, one of which has been to build and service a public loo for men in Morvah.
In recognition of their contribution to community life, the Parish Council has voted to pay for a plaque on the door of the gents’ public loo, which is known locally as "the cottage". It will simply read "Dougie and Willie’s cottage."
Pictured on the right of the Reverend gentleman are Mathew Laity (29) from Bologas, Martin Rodda (32) from Tresvennack, Davey Kneebone (41) from Chyenhal, Derek "Shortie" Semmens (37) from Trereife Smelting House, and Philadelpha Pentreath (71) from Kerris, sporting moustache and standing to the right.
The troupe will enter the West Cornwall singing contest with high hopes of getting through to the All-Cornwall event.
Little lost souls looking for a home
Just released from the Madron home for the criminally insane, Charlie Paynter and Madge Baragwaneth pictured here with their "cheeld" known as the "babby" are looking for a loving home in the West Cornwall area.
With several murders apiece, the deadly duo have caused something of a stir in a number of village communities. However, it is hoped that finding them a home in a larger community such as that of Penzance or Crows an Wra would provide the stability that these young folk need to keep them on the straight and narrow.
Offers of help from good Christian homes will be welcomed and should be addressed to the editor of the Roundup, who will forward them to the authorities.
Young "Woman" seeks position
Jemima Trevithal (24), formerly Michael Bollock, a granite quarryman from Rosecarne, is seeking a position as a lady’s maid to a lady of quality, preferably in the Penzance area.
Jemima describes herself as a realist with a cheerful disposition. "My maither d’say that I got winsome looks and oughtie ave been a young lady an I aren’t going to give up on my dream of being the best in the West as a lady’s maid."
Jemima is hopeful of being taken into a home of gentility, where she can further develop her feminine side to a point approaching some degree of credibility.
Advertisement
Do you suffer from headaches? Do you have piles? Does excessive flatulence plague you in those tender moments of togetherness with the one you would love? Do you spend longer on the toilet than you would like? Do you have to wear incontinence nappies? Does your cat have to wear spectacles? Do you (or your cat) have halitosis? Do you suffer from having insufficient money? Do you have ginger hair?If you have had to answer yes to any of these questions, then help is at last at hand! Thelonius Polweath-Bergamot's new Elixir promises you a new life!
The famous goatherd and alchemist, Thelonius Polweath-Bergamot (51), working from his eyrie at Mayon Green Crescent in Sennen, has, after many years, succeeded in perfecting a magic Elixir, which will take care of all these problems and more!
The ingredients of the elixir are, of course, a closely guarded secret, but Thelonius assures us that they are all distilled from naturally occurring substances found in the environs of Sennen and his goat compound. There is indeed a distinctly 'goatey' smell to the viscous brown fluid that is the elixir. (When quizzed by our Sennen reporter about the magic ingredients, Thelonius just gazed back from his mesmerisingly droopy eyes and said ...nothing.)
The cost of the Elixir is high at £195 for a 5 cl bottle but, as Thelonius says, "Wha's a few bob, when you're fixin' all they problems?"
Thelonius recommends a course of treatment at a bottle a day for fully seven years before the most difficult problems, such as ginger hair or no money, are completely vanquished.
Note: As the Roundup is keen to ensure that it takes advertising money only from bona fide traders - and from no charlatans - we would be happy to hear from anyone after their seven year course of treatment to assure us of the efficacy of Mr Polweath-Bergamot's Elixir.
Hanging by a thread..?
William Ladner (13), drummer of St Just Silver Band, has begun his annual fund-raising efforts for Comic Relief. William is suspended from a swinging trapeze secured only by the curve of his neck and the fervent hope that he will not drop to his death -- no safety net!
William intends to stay up -- without a break -- for 72 hours and all the while he will be playing drum solos, at 10 pence a time, as requested by the public.
Last year, William raised an astonishing 90 pence for good causes and he is determined to better that achievement this time round. William can be viewed -- hanging precariously -- at the Mousehole Methodist Youth Club from Thursday to Saturday.
Local Tycoon starts Charitable Foundation
Richard Quick, the West Cornwall building magnate, who is estimated to be worth some £35 million, has decided that it is time to share his wealth with the less advantaged in the community. He has started up a new charity called "Quick Money". The needy are requested to telephone the charity on an 0800 number and explain the nature of their need for cash. No call is expected to cost more than £4.50.
Tens of thousands of people are expected to call, since Mr Quick has promised to allot the lucky annual winner one of his homes on a holiday estate in Hayle.
When questioned by the West Cornwall Fraud Squad about certain flaws in the charitable nature of his new undertaking, Mr Quick brushed all criticisms aside with a flick of his cigarette, explaining that as long as someone benefited from the charity (possibly himself, in view of the volume of calls) no one was getting hurt.
Loopy Lesneweth is back in town!
Crowds gathered at the advance ticket office of the Sennen Picture House for the sell-out tour of the man they like to call Loopy Laughing Jack Lesnoweth of Lescudjack. The renowned petard amazes his audiences with his ability to blow out a candle at a distance of 35 feet by the sheer force of wind power. Loopy eats only baked beans and raw onions and likes to think that it is his rigid eating regime which keeps him on top of his game.
By day, Loopy works as a driver for St Erth Creamery. All his earnings from his evening entertainment work go to the Newlyn home for fallen Methodist young women, which explains why his act is strongly endorsed by the ministers of the St Just Methodist Circuit.
The Reverend Horton Bolitho commented that the Lord works in wondrous ways and stated that Loopy had been blessed by a divine wind.
Global Warming -- Watch Out!
Intrepid Cornish Inventor, Joseph Bodruggan from Copperhouse in Hayle, has done it again. Aware that the planet faces its greatest challenge in Global Warming, Joe has applied his restless mind to finding a practical solution.
The answer has come in the form of his "bikodrome". A skilled bike rider is balanced on the drum and peddles like mad. The drum turns, producing an electrical current, which can be made available to the National Grid. Joe’s plan is that every house should have a "bikodrome", powered by an illegal immigrant.
The Roundup is proud to have been able to bring you this story first -- before the Nationals.
New Cub Reporter
The Roundup has acquired a new Temporary Deputy Assistant Cub Reporter in Janner "Mad" Carew. From old Cornish stock, Janner attended the Humphry Davy Grammar School in Penzance. He has worked as a Mortician's Assistant in numerous places, including Northampton, Leeds and the Isle of Wight.
Although resident on the I.O.W, with his maid Marian, Janner has recently invested in a Cornish property to acquire eligibility to work for the Roundup. Sprightly for his advanced years, Janner is eager to get around West Penwith sniffing out stories.
We wish him every success.
Poetry Corner
Missus Ollis’s Cat
by a pupil of Lescudjack County Secondary School
Missus Ollis got a cat -- a ginger one -- called Timmy
I ad my eye on ee you see -- me and my mate, Jimmy.
She let n out jes after tea and we grabbed n as ee slinked past
We tied a banger to is tail and never seen n shift so fast.
Policeman Carne came after we, but we was bleddy smart
Ee walked up past where we was id -- laid still - we eard n fart.
But Missus Ollis tole my Ma and she then tole my Dad
Ee gived me ell and belted me - it never urt so bad.
I aren’t upset or nuthin -- tha’s jes the way it goes
I’ll get that bleddy cat again -- is no skin off my nose.
Philip Trudgeon (14)
Passed Ovver (Obituaries)
The first thing that some of our older readers do when they get their hands on their edition of the Roundup is to check up on who’s passed away. This month has seen the usual harvest of the Grim Reaper in the luscious lands of West Penwith and it is with great sadness that we convey the news that the following folk have gone to meet their maker:
Eliza Treloar (86), who lived most of her life as a man (Tommy Treloar, a building labourer with a penchant for sombreros), has died in the Barncoose psychiatric hospital for confused trans-sexuals.Eliza, as she insisted on being known after her 66th year, had fathered a total of 62 children with 11 different mothers -- all over West Penwith. Amazingly, none of the mothers ever knew of or met any of the others. As he had been a jobbing labourer, it was always assumed that he was "away on a job" and never suspected that he could be away on the job.
Eliza continued working -- as a man -- until his 66th year, when he quit to apply for immediate admittance to the Barncoose hospital, where he swapped his sombrero for a flowing floral flamenco dress and castanets. He never left the hospital once and, when the mothers of his children separately found their way to the doors of the hospital, he denied all knowledge of both them and their children, screaming "I aren’t able to faither no children -- I’m a bleddy woman!"
The funeral will take place at Gluvias Street Methodist Church at 2.00 pm next Wednesday. Mourners will be welcome, but are asked to send no flowers. Instead they should feel free to contribute to the Treloar Abandoned Children’s Fund.
Isaac Trenery (45), a devoted amateur dramatist and much-loved local man, passed away quietly and most unexpectedly at home over the weekend. Mr Trenery worked on the Cheese counter at the Lower Co-op in Penzance since he left Heamoor School at the age of 15. He never married, despite his obvious popularity with the housewives, who were prepared to queue for hours to buy his cheese. He lived quietly at home with his mother and his pet gerbils, Cindy and Celandine. He discovered his dramatic bent rather late in life, becoming, at the invitation of a friend, a member of the West Cornwall Men’s Drama Group. Although he most often took girls’ parts, he did occasionally play men and is seen on the left in his favourite role of Macbeth in last year’s production at Nancledra. 
Limpy Polglaze (67), owner of the popular Russian Revolutionary Shoe Shop in Bread Street, Penzance, passed away on Monday Night. Limpy leaves a widow, Agnes, and three adult children. Limpy was a brilliant and colourful Penzance entrepreneur, who was always on the lookout to corner a market. He started his career by launching the Italian Operatic Fish and Chip Shop in Hayle. Tiring quickly, as he did, with every new idea, he moved on to his next "big opportunity" with the opening of Poseidon’s, his Underwater Bookshop, between Penzance Harbour and Battery Rocks. Losing interest in this venture (along with his entire stock and two staff members) following a bad winter storm, he began his theme of "big winners", a string of retail opportunities with different historical themes. Previous themes have included the Elizabethan Lavatory Company; the Tudor Television Company (featuring the world’s only entirely wooden TV set); Legionary’s, the Imperial Roman bakery and delicatessen; and also Atahuallpa’s, the Inca menswear company.
Limpy, a man unfazed by the fact that his left leg was a good four inches shorter than his right, was contented to the last. His funeral will take place at the Kiev-Pechersk Cave Monastery and afterwards (quite a bit afterwards) at the Truro Crematorium.
Dickie "Banjo" Trevains (54) passes on. Commuters from Penzance Railway station will have been familiar with the sight of Dickie Trevains and his banjo. With only one song in his repertoire, Dickie would go to the Station on his days off from work and pluck away enthusiastically at his banjo to accompany himself singing, in his falsetto voice, his Spice Girls’ favourite "Two become one". Thought harmless until his unfortunate arrest some years back for exposing himself to passing schoolgirls, Dickie tried his best, despite his characteristic "toppest" top hat, to simply blend in with local society. He came to West Penwith at the age of 22 and worked for SWEB, then St Just Co-op, and finally Morrisons. Never marrying, he leaves his pet pig, Pauline, to the bacon counter at Morrisons.
LONELY HEARTS
The Roundup has been besieged by the unattached of West Penwith to offer an introduction facility. We are pleased to do so in this edition and hope that the young people featured here will soon find the partner of their dreams.
Looking for Love in TredenneckLavinia Barnicoat (23) of Bosliven Lane, Tredinnick is looking for a man to complete her life. Lavinia lives at home with her widowed mother and works at the nearby Chynoweth farm as a labourer. Her interests are cross stitch, Sudoku, line dancing, making home-made candles, tormenting small animals, and music. Her passion is the jew’s harp, on which she can play the flight of the bumble bee at devastating speed. Her dream is to find a Prince Charming with whom she can share a life of luxury in a place like St Just, in a house with an inside toilet. Interested Romeos should reply to Box 3024.
In the mood for romance in Ludgvan
Amelia Lewellian (29) of Ludgvan is a catch for any young man. Only child of dairy farmer Ambrose Lewellian (78), she brings with her the warming prospect of the thriving farm in years to come. Close observers of her photograph will have noticed that, whilst Amelia has a fine head with a fetching face marred only by two hardly noticeable moles, she does lack a body. This has held her back in the courting stakes, as she finds it tricky to engage in any of the activities requiring a body. Ambrose hopes that the "farm’ll swing it. Plenty a boys out there ud luv to git their ‘ands on a farm like gis". Amelia remains hopeful. Box 2037 is the one to write to.Shy but willing to try
Rachel Lanyon (27), a lap-dancer from Gwavas Estate in Newlyn, is a shy retiring girl looking for a similarly quiet man. She says that he should be of advanced years, poor in health, but very rich. "I aren’t a gold-digger. I duh jest find rich men easier to talk to." Rachel lists her interests as collecting old coins of the realm, antiques, jewellery, and fast cars. Her as yet unfulfilled dreams are to "'ave snails in some posh restaurant in Penzance and to do a bit o dogging at the Taj Mahal in India". Interested men (wealthy and over the age of 85) should write to Box 2047.Fancy a bender?
Gay plumber, Thomas Nankervis (37) of Treave, is looking for a long term relationship. Tired of playing the gay scene in Treave, Thomas is looking to settle down. His interests are bowls, darts, model railways, collecting bus and train numbers, racing his toy yacht, and cooking and baking. Thomas also plays the triangle in Helston Silver band. Interested males, preferably from Treave, are asked to write to Box 4589.Doctor looking for love
Dr Richard "Scatty" Botheras (42) is a colourful character on the St Ives social and medical scene. Hating dealing with illness and ailments, Scatty likes to cheer up all those he meets with jolly japes, laughs and fun. "Why worry about the illness that will soon have you dead, just have a laugh and a chuckle with me instead!"With one of the shorter patient lists in medical history (he only had 52 patients left at time of writing), Scatty is looking for a woman to help him with his burden of caring for the sick in St Ives. Box 4521 is the one to write to.
Are you ready for the Boscobba experience?
Grace "Asbo" Friggens (25), of Penorven Drive, Boscobba, is looking for a brave man willing to give her a second chance. With a series of convictions for unprovoked spontaneous knife assaults on the young men of Boscobba, Grace has been finding it hard to form relationships.Currently unemployed, it is her dream to find a young man with whom to settle down and make a home, preferably in Boscobba. With a population of just 35, this could be a tall order, as she has seriously injured all the young males currently living in the village. However, she fervently hopes that this serene picture of female pulchritude will lure young males from all around West Penwith. Box 2987 is the one to write to.
The Ladies are back!
Many readers have asked for another picture of the Gwithian Ladies Pedicycle Club. We cannot accede to Mr Bosher Thomas’s request for them to be shown in the nude, but they are modelling the latest in knitted cycle wear -- the next best thing.
Pictured, from the left, are June Beckerleg (26), Mary Hocking (24), Eliza Tonkin (25), Gracie Chellew (29), Martha Tregenza (18) and Faith Kelynack (19).
Since they only have the one bike between them, the ladies are keen to meet men of property in West Penwith, who would be prepared to invest in the Club. (No hanky panky!)
IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE
- Exclusive: Pope to visit Relubbus
- New Eurostar terminal for St Earth
- Vickery to join Relubbus RFC
- Special "Morvah" feature:
- Ayatollah to buy Morvah? The truth behind the rumours.
- Morvah man in dramatic Atlantic rescue: we bring you the full story.
- Celebrity News: a no-holds-barred profile of the controversial new headmistress of St Buryan Primary School.
- Theatrical news: an incisive review of the "Queens"' new production of An Inspector Calls.
- "Passed Ovver": our popular Obituaries section.
- German for Cornish speakers: become bi-lingual!
- Literature: A new poem by boy phenomenon Philip Trudgeon (14).
- Our socially responsible "Lonely Hearts" column.
- Your Stars: with Breton mystic Maurice La Balge.
- And much, much more!
