SHOCK REVELATION ABOUT DUCHY'S GOLDEN COUPLE

Starstruck followers of Relubbus high society have long been used to tales about the extravagant lifestyle of the 'golden couple' - Bert 'Len' Harvey from Towednack and Lily Nicholls from Perrannuthnoe.

As our readers will be well aware, Len prides himself on never having done an honest day's work in his life.  He has passed his time contentedly trolling around the Duchy of  Cornwall - sometimes in fancy costumes - obtaining freebies wherever he can.  He has been most successful at it.  In fact, he has turned cadging off the Duchy into a fine art form.

He is shown here, together with a bewildered Lily who can't find her roll-ups, in a snap taken at Penzance railway station, where he has just spotted the rent man coming towards him to try - unsuccessfully - to collect the 55 years rent owing on the luxury accommodation he shares with Lily in Colinsey Road, Penzance.

So famous has the couple become that no society event in Cornwall is now complete without an appearance from the 'Colinsey Kickback Kids'. 

Now, however, a new and unexpected light has been shone onto the so-called Duke and Duchess of Cornwall.

Following a heavy night out drinking with the girls at the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn, Lily let slip, after her eighteenth port and lemon, that she has never had carnal relations with Len.  Instead, she related, it is her reclusive twin sister, Filly, who lives in a nearby field, who has been the recipient of Len's earnestly amorous attentions.

Apparently, Len is unable to tell the two girls apart.  The Roundup has managed to obtain a rare family photo of the two girls together.  When you look at it, you can appreciate Len's problem.

If you are still struggling, Lily is the one on the right.

SHOCK FOR MOUSEHOLE BUSINESSMAN

Tommy Tregarthen (49) is a man who has made it big in fish.  Over 33 years he has built up a wet fish empire, which has grown to one shop in Mousehole AND a delivery van.

Tommy is a popular man in Mousehole.  Apart from fish, his interests are rhododendrons, pickled turnips, yodelling and conkers.

Tommy is also known to be something of a ladies' man.  One person very much of that opinion is his estranged wife. 

Nancy (41) is a senior stylist at Shelley's of St Just and Paris and she is also still exceedingly bitter about their separation and her failure to get a judge to agree that she should be entitled to receive half of Tommy's delivery van.

It was with some surprise that the Roundup received an invitation to visit the Tregarthen family home in Mousehole.  Nancy lives in the house and Tommy lives in a caravan in the drive, in which he occasionally receives lady visitors, which stirs Nancy's jealousy and anger to ever new heights.

When we arrived at the home, Nancy positioned our photographer and then summoned Tommy to come inside the house.

As soon as he had crossed the threshold,  she launched a ritual verbal attack - with a new and one-off twist.

"You bleddy basterd!  You 'ad that li'll tart, Kylie Pierce, in the caravan las' night, didnee?  Bleddy fool, you don't knaw where she been.  It'll be all ovver the Kwop by lunchtime.  Well, neow, I gotta surprise fer you, my cock!!"

Drawing herself up to her full four foot one inch (for they are both people of restricted growth), she then declared with great glee, "Well, my bird, don't gwout lookin' fer yer van today!  'Es my luvver, idn there namore! 'Es , I parked 'n' up somewhere special far ee, my 'ansome!" 

At the mention of his beloved Austin A35 van, he blenched in fear of what news might follow, for he strongly sensed that the news might not be good.

Fixing him with an intense stare, which sought to drain his very life force and savouring this moment of pay-back time, Nancy then administered the killer blow.  "'Es Cappen, I parked 'n' up sum proper far ee this time. [Dramatic Pause] I pushed 'n' ovver th' edge o' Mousehole Pier!"

This was the moment captured by our ace photographer, Dougie Pengelly.

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Do you require a not-so-decorative slattern with a particularly foul mouth?

Lucy Trevanion (27) an unsuccessful trainee streetwalker from Botallack, where business is extremely slack at present, is seeking new employment.

Her ideal job would be operating the mangle in Penzance laundry, which she would find rewarding and fun.  She claims to have come third in the 2008 Apprentice series and syas that she is accordingly passionate about business.

Lucy can be contacted only by post - addressed to Lucy Trevanion, Botallack.

POETRY CORNER

By our Poetry Correspondent, Alice Chirgwin-Jacka

The celebrated Penzance poet (from Colinsey Road, Treneere) 'Odgo Semmens has composed the following rousing work, which we feel should be given the widest possible viewing. This astonishing work, which displays 'Odgo at his magisterial best, is styled simply and, in a characteristically Cornish way, "I aren't".

It has already been viewed by 1,789.654 people, who rate it as the greatest work ever written.

I Aren't

I aren't goin' in town today,
I aren't, coz I'm feelin' a bit queasy;
I aren't goin up Mum's tonight,
I aren't, coz my sister's too teasy.

I aren't gunna g'wovver Newlyn tonight,
I aren't, coz is too bleddy cold.
I aren't gunna g'wout with Liza no more,
I aren't, coz she's too bleddy old.

I aren't goin' to work in Kwop no more,
I aren't, coz I couldn' care less.
I aren't gunna say "no" to Mrs 'Ollis,
I aren't, coz she the fittest and best.

I aren't gunna say that I'm "English",
I aren't, coz is not bleddy true:
I aren't, coz I am bleddy Cornish,
And so, my bleddy friend, are you!

'Odgo

PETS' CORNER

The good-natured readers of the Roundup have always responded well to the call from pets in need. We hope that this week's three little chaps will also win your affection and engage your willingness to help.

Good home wanted for cute l'il pup!

Playful pup, "Gnasher", is just three months old and is already having to look for a new home.

Sadly, his mum and dad had to be put down because they attacked and killed their owner and his family.   

Rodney Bolitho (55) of Colinsey Road, Penzance was the last of the six in his family to die, but even as he was being savaged  by Gnasher's mum and dad - with little Gnasher doing his level best to try to help them - Rodney, a dog-lover till the end, cried out to the the armed police coming, sadly far too late, to the rescue, "They din mean nuthin' by it - they're sum good dogs really!", before  his windpipe was ripped out in a speedy act of canine surgical precision.

Police quickly despatched the two older dogs in a hail of bullets, securing only minimal injuries to themselves before the bullets took full effect.  Gnasher was stunned by the sudden shooting of his parents, as well as by the maniacal clubbing administered to him to get him to release a policeman's leg.

Given his young age and in view of Mr Bolitho's dying recommendation, it was decidd to give young Gnasher a second chance.  A loving home is now sought for Gnasher in the West Penwith area.  Animal psychologists have - at some considerable and safe distance - determined that Gnasher might well benefit from being placed in a home with young children to help him develop.

If you are interested, just 'phone the Roundup, speak to Tamsin and ask for 'Gnasher'.

Good Cornish Home wanted!

Sukhbataar, a 14-year-old Mongolian golf-hamster, has a handicap of just 5.  

He likes a good full Cornish cooked breakfast to set him up for the day and, as this pciture show, is probably the only professional golfer to play in the nude.  

As he insists, "Come on, mate!  My body's covered in fur, who's going to notice?  Anyway, out on the the course, all the eyes will be on my playing and not on my body!"

Sukhbataar can earn between £150,000 and £200,000 a season and so probably doesn't deserve to be called a pet.  However, he is fed up living out of a proverbial suitcase in hotels and wants a good Cornish home with proper cooking.

Interested parties should know that he has - and will bring along - his own cage equipped with his favourite wheel and expansive run.

If you are interested, 'phone the Roundup, speak to Tamsin and ask for 'Sukhbataar'.

Looking for love?

Timothy (12 and neutered) is a (former) male of refined tastes currently living with a caring family in a caravan just outside Madron.  

In perfect health, except for a slightly weakened right eye, for which he wears an appropriately corrective eye-glass, Timothy does occasionally feel the urge for female companionship, despite the drastic surgery he underwent long ago.

Timothy is fond of freshly boiled fish, the warmth of an open fire and the sound of Bach piano concertos, which he finds particularly comforting whilst licking his arse.  

He would like to meet a discerning female (feline or human) who would share his interests and give him the benefit of any sexual doubt.

If you are interested, 'phone the Roundup, speak to Tamsin and ask for 'Timothy'.

CHARACTERS AROUND RELUBBUS

JJ Jago

Tremethick Cross is the sort of place you could coast through quickly almost without noticing as you speed from the metropolitan grandeur of Penzance on the way to the infamous fleshpots of St Just, to the fine dining and quaffing offered by the landlady at Newbridge, or simply to the tense gambling haunts of Pendeen.

Yet to do so would be to miss one of the hidden jewels, one of the best-kept secrets of West Penwith.  For amongst the small cluster of habitations that make up this cosy hamlet is one lodged in by none other than the legendary Jimmy Jago.  

The colourful 'JJ', shown here on the right of the photo with three of his devoted acolytes, is a man of many parts, many of which almost fit.

 Many know "JJ" as the former St Erth Creamery worker, as the bar-room raconteur, as the purest lady-bait, as the Kernow-wide famous petard extraordinaire, as the passionate advocate of the rights of nude chess players, as the champion of the freedoms of those exploring inter-species relations between humankind and hedgehogs, but just how many also knew that JJ started out life as a woman?!

The Roundup can reveal, with JJ's permission, that for the first 28 years of his life JJ was, in fact, Jennifer Angwin (pictured).

The Three Plumbers

Opera has (or had) 'The Three Tenors' and Marazion has 'The Three Plumbers', who are, in fact, also three brothers.  They are Sidney (79), Clarence (81), and Hedley (83) Clemo.  The boys, who still live with their long-widowed mother, Temperance (109), in Goldsithney, all still work.

As Hedley says, "Maither tole we that we gotta work slongas she duh work.  She's still cookin' fer we an' she duh do eour washin' anall, so we boys gotta wait bit till we duh retire!"

The boys still attend the Sunday School at Marazion Methodist Chapel and the highlight of their year still remains the annual charabanc ride to Praa Sands for the Annual Sunday School Tea Treat.  Says Sidney, "Sum ansum ee is too, you duh git bottla pop and git saffern bun!  We duh forward to un, I kintellee."

Despite their professional pre-occupation with water systems, the trio are, when it comes to personal ablutions, ardent practitioners of water conservation.  All three roundly abjure the wastefulness of bathing and showering and instead prefer to 'freshen up' with just a light sprinkle of water on the face each week.  Clarence, enveloped in a carefully cultivated protective mist of miasmic whiff, proclaimed, "Jugga water duh last we a month, boy!"

ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE

The runaway comedy hit "I beg your pardon!" now showing at the Relubbus Panopticon at the end of fashionable Boswedden Lane has just entered its amazing 14th week.

However, the show has proved such a knockout success with the Cornish public of all ages that its run at the 10,000 seat theatre has been extended for a further two weeks.

People have been coming from as far as Helston, Falmouth and even Truro to view Pendeen-born Wesley B. Behenna's comedic masterpiece about the Nance family, whose life is set in Colinsey Road, Penzance.

The cast are, from the left, Mr Spinks, played by Horton Treloar (25), Mr Wakfer, played by Madron Tregenza (31), cheeky Mrs Spinks, played by Phoebe Polkinghorne (24) and Mrs Wakfer, played by Lamorna Trevorrow (19).

Mr Spinks is seen holding Brathky, the farting dog, who is central to much of the humour in this 5 hour play.

If you haven't seen it - or if you are one of those who wish to see it again and again, hurry to get your ticket now!  Single ticket £112.  Two person ticket £250.  Family ticket (admitting one person only) just £500.

NEWS IN BRIEF

Prospidnick beats Goldsithney in nailbiting finish in "Top of the Form"

The victorious Prospidnick "Top of the Form" team beat 460 other schools in the popular Relubbus TV Schools' Quiz to emerge as winners after defeating Goldsithney in a dramatic final filmed in the luxurious surroundings of the Gay Plumbers' Suite in the Relubbus Intercontinental.

The winning team consists of Bernie Trevains (16), Herbert "Plunger" Pender (17), Edith Malpas-Nance (16) and Ned Nudd (17).

Programme presenter, Tren Addicoat said, "I ebbent never seen nuthin scudasthat! 'Scitin' it was!  I nearly wet meself, but they boys from up Prospidnick duh deserve t' win.

Neckuneck it was tilla las' question - 'Wassa full name o' the famous Lily Nichols lookalike?'  Plunger come in quick as you like withis finger on the buzzer, shouting the winnin' enser - 'Camiknickers!"

The winning team has won a luxury afternoon on Porthmeor beach with one free cup of tea and a saffron bun each.

Respected Policeman retires at last

Detective Chief inspector Lionel Liddicoat (59) is retiring from the police service after 41 years on the force.

His retirement will be met with a big sigh of relief from the West Cornish criminal  fraternity, who have come to fear him over the years.

Lionel was a most unusual police officer in that he was always accompanied by his ventriloquist's dummy, 'Dorothy'.

Dorothy did much - indeed, frankly all - of the the talking for them both, although, as Dorothy maintains, "You kent never see 'is lips movin'!"

From the age of 14, Lionel and Dorothy have been inseparable. Not only criminals, but also judges, police colleagues - not to mention Lionel's wife, Doris, their three children and the family budgie - have all got used to speaking to Lionel through Dorothy.

When Dorothy has to be handed in for essential repairs, Lionel has been inconsolable and quite silent, apart from a loud sobbing.

This tight union has been recognised and accepted by the grateful Relubbus Police Force.  Both Lionel and Dorothy are to receive distinguished service medals at a public meeting to be held at the St John's Hall in Boswedden Lane.

As Dorothy says, "I aren't surprised - we deserve un - but ee's ovver the moon bowtit!  Git plumb boy ee is, idna?!"

Undergound Link between New York and Relubbus now almost complete!

As some readers will know, the plans to link up the New York Metro with the Relubbus Underground are well advanced.

The Roundup can now report that there is only one mile left between the Cornish tunnel (pictured) and the American tunnel.

The flagging US and New York economies have brought all Americans to pin their hopes for recovery on the coming direct connection to the roaring economic lion that is the Relubbus economy.

Relubbus engineers have designed a special high speed steam train ("The Trevithick") that will run between the two cities at such a fast speed that the crossing is expected to be achieved in less than fifteen minutes.

Says Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman, Billy Spargo (114), "They trains are so fast - I kent bleddy bleeve it.  'Owevver, I am 'appy to 'elp out they Yanks.  'Alf o' they are Cornish anyway!  I shall gw'ovver fer the pasty supper at th' openin'."

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Enty Doreen's Laundry for Old-fashioned Service you can rely on!

"Enty" - Doreen Trembath - - is  a svelte young 39 year old lady from up Colinsey Road in Penzance.  Enty realised some 17 years ago, after the birth of her 6th child, that there was a market in laundry "done the old-fashioned way".

Using a £115 start up loan from Duane Polkinghorne of Nancledra Investment Management, she purchased the very best washer/dryer available from Polkinghorne's 'Gadgets from Yesteryear' range and set up her business in her Mum's utility room.

Seventeen years later and she's still there and still paying off the interestingly structured  Polkinghorne loan, whoch now stands at £98,786.78.  The business is thriving (says Mr Polkinghorne).

"Enty" will wash and iron your entire weekly wash for just £2.75.!!!!

Furthermore, if you take out the Polkinghorne Laundry Insurance (at just £45 per item per wash!), you will be guaranteed* up to 35% of the replacement cost of any clothing damaged in the laundry process.

*All claims must be submitted in Sanskrit 24 hours before the item is washed.  Otherwise the validity of any claim will not be recognised.

DON'T BE A LONELY HEART AT CHRISTMAS!!!

Kerensa “Twiggy” Ellis (29) is a sweet affectionate girl and the only child of “Scrammy Ass” and Doris Ellis of Colinsey Road, Penzance. Kerensa, who has inherited her father’s unfortunate problem, is pictured here two months before receiving the electronic tag she now has to wear for one year.

Having badly damaged her previous boyfriend in what she terms a ‘punishment squashing’,"’cos ee wuz lookin’ at other maids”, she is now looking for a new love in her life.

One unfortunate result of her evening curfew is that she has lost her job as female nightclub bouncer. “I ‘ad to make sure they scrubbers didn’t get too pissed up and cause no trouble. If they did, I give’ m a quick squashing to sort ‘n out!”

Kerensa’s psychiatrist says that he is sure that she has a tender side but warns young suitors to make a very gentle start in trying to locate it. BOX 564

Doreen Hottartt (39) is a specialist stilt ballet instructress from up Pendeen, working, as her job title might imply, with vertically challenged people. Although her photo doesn’t show it, Doreen is 7ft 6 ins tall and so she is looking for a tall man.

As she says herself “No use lookin’ up Pendeen. Tallest one up ‘ere is Lofty Penrose and ee’s oney 6ft 5ins – a bleddy shortass compared to me!”

Doreen can play the piano and always has TWO clean pairs of underwear on her, in case of accident. She is proud of her own saffron cake and bakes pasties three times a week. Vanity prevents this charming treasure of a young woman from wearing her hearing aid, and so suitors are asked to speak up or learn sign language. BOX 782

Angelina Jolie-Smut is a cute little 89 year old from Ludgvan. With 5 husbands behind her, Angie is unlikely to be coy on her first new date. As she says, “70 year ago, I used to kep the boys waitin’ fer at leas’ 2 days. Neow, I aren’t gunn fart roun’ – I may not be ‘ere tomorrow!” Consequently she guarantees that any young blade (and only those between the ages of 18 and 29 may apply!) will strike lucky first night.

Angie says that all her bottom teeth are her own and she “d’like t’be partikler about ‘ealth. I duh ‘ave a bath very Febree – ready fer the Spring!” BOX 938

Chris (from Badgers Cross and just 32) is looking for love. Chris is one of those ‘special’ people. So special in fact that Chris’s mum called her child Chris to cover all eventualities. Chris is now 32 and still no one is sure. However, who cares?

Chris has a full-time job as back-up for all the automatic milking machines in West Penwith.

Accordingly, Chris has a moped that goes with the job. Chris will be allowed to use this vehicle to meet anyone – man or woman – who wishes to get to know Chris better.

Sunday paper reporters are not welcome. BOX 481

Clive Stunk (41) is an unemployed ‘large cat trainer’ from Ponsanooth. As he has not been able to find employment opportunities in West Penwith in his chosen profession, because of the total absence of ‘large cats’, he has scratched a living shooting vermin and lost emmets for farmers in the vicinity.

Clive has been solitary largely through shyness. After prolonged treatment to cure him of his close attachment to his favourite tree (which was “cruelly” cut down), Clive would now like to explore relationships with others (people, not trees).

Clive lives in a grove of trees in Sancreed. He owns nothing but a fresh leotard and loves to live ‘au naturel’. He is interested in contact from females (preferably, but not necessarily, women - females from other species might be acceptable). BOX 664

Daniel White-Eye (53), who lives in a bin near Crows-an-Wra, is a champion of equal rights for ex mental patients.

He has battled incontinence – and he claims, with an unnerving chuckle, “in continents unknown” -- and has emerged as ‘a real catch’ "for some woman who idn' too partuklar – which is good as I aren’t particular nether!” BOX720

“Maids ahoy!!!” Watch out girls, because Mammie’s boy Madron Tregear (20) is now back ‘ere!!

Now that her son, Madron, has returned from his six months stay with the International Sea Scouts at their boys only camp in Castro, San Francisco, mawther is keen for him to meet some girls and is willing to pay “any decent maid, who idn' too gobby to g’wout wid’un”. Applicants must be female – of any age – who enjoy a challenge in a man and who yearn to do washing and ironing, darning socks, baking pasties and cakes. BOX 448

CHARITY - WILL IT BEGIN IN YOUR HOME?

Single mother Florence Tresidder (32) and her charming daughters Colostomy-Belle (13) and Jallopy-Jane (15) are looking for somewhere to stay, and possibly a new home for good, after an unfortunate incident at their Colinsey Road, Penzance, home last week; and after the trauma of a false accusation of grievous bodily harm brought against her two sweet and wholly innocent daughters.

With orders drying up for her specialist product of basket-woven babies’ nappies, Florence was faced with the horrendous prospect of having to go back on the game near Penzance bus station in order to keep the family financially afloat.

Horrified at the prospect of their mother being forced to pursue this wretched occupation on the streets, the two little treasures helpfully and reasonably suggested that their mother should instead advertise for gentlemen callers to come round to the house, so that mother wouldn’t be out in all weathers and so that the girls would continue to remain in sufficient funds to pay for their ‘pick-me-up’ habits and other reasonable teenage expenses.

That is where chronically nervous Morrison’s trolley operative, Douglas Addicoat (35), came in.

He saw an advert saying “Attractive female therapist, trained in the relief of male nervous conditions, offers Harlot-street quality service at prices you can afford in her own palatial Penzance home.”

Discussing the situation under extreme, but familiar, difficulties with his profoundly deaf mother, Artemis (96), Douglas was authorised by his doting Mum to pay “Miss Tresidder” a visit.

On arriving at the Colinsey Road home, he claims that he was immediately set upon by the two teenagers, both of whom were far bigger than him. After an alleged four hours of torture, Douglas was, he alleges, relieved of his trousers, his glasses and the £27.56 cash he was carrying.

Addicoat claims that the girls wanted to “jes' warm ‘n’ up a bit” and made a bonfire in the kitchen on which to ‘warm’ him. The fire then got out of control and the house burnt down, making the Tresidder family homeless.

The girls claim that they were terrified by the threatening behaviour of Addicoat when he arrived at the house. Weeping uncontrollably, they said that they had no idea how Mr Addicoat had acquired the various cuts, bruises, burns and dislocations he displayed.

Asked where the mother had been in all of this, they replied that they had carried her out of the house before Addicoat had even arrived, because “she ‘ad bin took sum poorly after drinkin’ a cuppla bottles o’ gin, which must’ave bin off”.

The investigating policeman, PC Carne, was touched by the obvious terror of the traumatised girls and, seeing nothing but innocence in their sobbing, pleading eyes, locked up Addicoat so that he could face the magistrates.

Meanwhile, this charming trio of Tresidder females is now looking for a temporary – or, if you are so minded, permanent - home.

Can you offer a home to this clutch of poor disadvantaged females (including a ‘workroom’ for mother)?

If so, contact the editor of the Roundup and we will arrange for them to be delivered.

UPROAR UP CHAPEL!!

On Thursday evening, crowds of worshippers flocked to what should have been just another ordinary choir practice at the 50,000 seater Methodist Central Hall in Boswedden Lane, when news leaked out of a dramatic spat between a worship leader and the organist at this centre of Cornish Methodism.

Choir practice is usually attended by just the 400 strong choir. However, news of serious altercations between two leading figures attracted a crowd of several thousand concerned and curious Methodists.

Worship Leader, Agnes Penberthy (91) of Colinsey Road, Penzance is alleged by one witness (Maude Tregellis, (89)) to have given a “poke in the eye” to the organist, Madron Tregellis, because he had disagreed with her choice of hymns and refused to play the music for them, which led to a protracted and heated exchange of un-Christian expressions, culminating in the alleged poke.

According to Ms Penberthy’s civil partner, Audrey Hicks (79), Mr Tregellis (pictured here on the left) yelled out, “I aren’t gunna ‘ave she ‘it me li’ gat!” before striking her across the face.

Ms Hicks then admits that she “laid into that bugger Tregellis with my stick till ‘ee went ovver!”

Ms Tregellis (the organist’s sister) confessed “I lost it completely when that cow ‘it my brother with ‘er stick and tha’s why I bit ‘er ear off!”

An unseemly all-in geriatric fight ensued, which was only broken up by the timely arrival of officers of the Relubbus police.

When informed of the event, the Minister, His Holiness Methuselah Metherell (70) decreed that this unseemly disagreement in the House of the Lord could not be put to rights in the civil courts, but that it must be sorted out where it started ‘Up Chapel’.

Thus the scene was set for the intended great reconciliation at choir practice on Thursday evening, which drew the huge crowds.

Under the fearsome eye of the Minister, the sinning duo of organist and worship leader approached the pulpit in a numbing silence transfused with the tingling pent up excitement of the thousands of onlookers. Then, unable to contain her anger management problem any longer, Ms Hicks yelled out, “Gwon Agnes, whack the bugger again!”

As if she had been waiting for the cue, Ms Penberthy (pictured here in happier days) drew back her walking stick as if to strike a blow and, in so doing, overbalanced and fell hard against a pew, knocking herself out.

The booming sound of Minister Metherell's bass voice then rang out across the mass of startled faces, "Es yo, behold the Lord 'ave spoke!!"

Peace then descended upon the chapel again.

OATES’ OUTRAGE OVER INDIAN CALL CENTRE

RC Oates (62), pictured here in happier times, the fabulously wealthy Relubbus entrepreneur, is taking a former business partner, Eric J Addicoat (73), to court following the initial failure of Mr Oates’ recently launched car breakdown service.

According to Mr Oates, who is also chair of the Relubbus Justice Oversight Commission, the success of this new venture had been ruined by Mr Addicoat’s contribution. Mr Addicoat had been engaged to provide a cut-price telephone facility for the desperate motorists to contact in the event of an emergency.

Mr Addicoat explained from the painfully small oubliette, in which he had been temporarily confined prior to his transfer to prison, that he had heard that Indian call centres were the cheapest way of managing telephone services of this sort.

Mr Addicoat then secured the services of a native American tourist to work in the ‘call centre’. Chief Quanah Nocona (103), who speaks only Comanche, agreed via sign language to ‘use white man’s speaking machine’ for £5 a day with pasties thrown in.

However, the poor motorists who ‘phoned up hoping to be rescued by the new Oates’ breakdown service were greeted by the sound of a mournful Comanche chant in honour of those ancestors who had passed on to the care of the Great White Spirit.

Said Miss Edna Osborne (93) of Nancledra, “I duh need my car, which is as old as what I am. So I paid my £450 fer the ‘the full whack’ service includin ‘Ome start’. Yes’day I wanted to g’win town and ee wouldn’ start up. I ‘phoned the ‘mergency number and all I got was bleddy Tonto crowin’ away. Not ‘appy, I can tell ee!!”

All 14,000 people who tried to use the service in West Penwith over the first two days were greeted by the baleful sound of Chief Nocona’s seemingly endless lament.

After 48 hours of failure, news of the disaster reached the multi-billionaire entrepreneur RC (“jes call me Arsey!”) Oates at his sumptuous summer holiday cottage in Colinsey Road, Penzance. Shaking with rage, he demanded that his security units place ‘that bugger Addicoat” in the dreaded oubliette, (pictured left) beneath the toilets of his flagship megastore in Relubbus.

Mr Oates has declined to replace the Addicoat ‘Indian call centre” with a more traditional call centre sited in India. The hard-nosed businessman has not taken this decision through any fluttering fanciful patriotism. He maintains rather that it is a sad, but true, fact that Cornwall is one of the very poorest parts of Britain.

It is simply far cheaper to employ Cornish people than to set up the needlessly complicated arrangements required to service Cornish motoring needs from Bangalore. As he says himself, “If I duh break down up Pendeen, I want to speak to someone in Botallack, not bleddy Bangalore."

CLASSIFIEDS

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5. DIY Cosmetic dentistry for under £5

Each course costs just £25 or get all 5 for just £160.

Cornish People – Stay in Cornwall for your holiday!

The 400 bed Kernewek Kemmyn Hotel (formerly ‘the George’) opens its doors to Cornish people only and operates a strictly ‘No English’ policy.

This means that no one can stay unless they can demonstrate Cornish ancestry on both sides for the last ten generations.

The ‘No English policy’ also applies to language – no English words can be used in the hotel or its grounds. For this reason, the Hotel is an ideal environment for anyone seeking an intensive Kernewek Kemmyn experience. Users of other orthographies are NOT permitted, being even less welcome than the English themselves.

This unique linguistic experience is available to you at just £140 per person per night!!

The 400 beds are arranged, in four rooms or dormitories, in sextuple-decker beds. There is an ensuite (in fact ‘in-room’) toilet in every room (please bring own toilet rolls!).

One of the dorms is for children, another for married men, another for their wives and a fourth for ‘others’

The ‘Full Cornish” breakfast consists of ogs pudden and ogs pudden. For an additional £4 per person, you can have the pudden cooked and accompanied by one fried egg and one rasher of bacon.

RELUBBUS CLASSIFIEDS

Women seeking Men

Normal woman, 31, currently working down Tesco’s on the biscuits and sweets, often mistaken for a young Helen Mirren, into ouija boards, mystic smoke and plastic gnomes WLTM interesting young solvent male who goes commando like me at work. 077652 8765

Free-spirited F, 72, 8 ft tall ex-librarian seeks male Anglican tango dancer of similar height and age in Madron. 077432 8761

Lizzie, 5 times divorced, stylish, vivacious, 53 (no STDs). Have received ASBO and face eviction from Colinsey Road home next week. Can offer loving kindness and the odd bit of cleaning and cooking to rich man, preferably living in St Buryan or, possibly, Tregeseal. 077542 5439

Pauline (67), retired builder’s apprentice from Gwavas, can name all the shops on both sides of Market Jew Street from 1905 to the present day. Will be happy to make her special spiced badger patties for the right man who shares her interests. 077652 98632

Men seeking women

Honest ex-Dartmoor inmate (52) seeking to make new life after long stretch (for fraud, not violence) seeks wife (30-35). Able to offer house, car and spending money. Must be a looker – absolutely no mingers! 077634 4532

Defrocked priest, keen handyman (42) , currently living with mother, clean driving licence, told by mother must go or give up collection of 320 budgies. Urgently seeking new billet with understanding woman who will share fondness of budgies. Also must be very careful not to get shampoo into my eyes on Saturday bath nights. 077653 5632

Young multi-millionaire (23), with body like 007, has temporary cash flow problem and is finding it difficult to keep the souped-up Ford Anglia on the road. Needs help from loaded female who likes fast cars. Interviews at No 123 Colinsey Road on Tuesday evening at 9.00pm.

Special Needs

One-legged homosexual postman from Sennen (late fifties and shy), not yet come out, seeks discreet similar, preferably also from Sennen. 077864 6531

Will ‘Nigel of Porthgwarra’ who ‘phoned offering to help us with the problem ‘phone me back, as I have lost his number. We manage up to a point, but then the bag breaks. Arnold 077885 4321

Bill of Gulval (59) has home-made wooden tandem bike, which he would like to share with left-handed woman of similar age who wears (or can be persuaded to wear) pink old-fashioned National Health glasses.

OBITUARIES: A FOND FAREWELL...

Ethel Batt, the famous ‘songbird of Sancreed’, has passed on at the ripe old age of 104. In accordance with her last wishes, her ashes are to be scattered onto pasties on the Warrens production line in St Just, before they are sealed up and crimped, “so the gift of my voice duh pass direct into the gullet of possible successors.”

In time-honoured fashion (she was originally from Crows an Wra), she has also issued a ‘dying curse’ upon the new Unitary Authority in Cornwall.

Miss Batt was unmarried and leaves her entire estate of £190,000 to her nephew, Cricket (59), an unmarried mortuary assistant from Truro.

Bosvargus Trewern, the former professor of philosophy in the saloon bar of the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn has now sadly taken his last drink, having expired on the Mouzel bus on his way home last Saturday.

Mr Trewern, known fondly by both friends and staff at the Swordfish as “Puddles’, was 79. A man equally at home with a schooner of sweet sherry, a Mackeson or a pint of Watneys Red Barrel, he was only ever known to mix up all three into his ‘special’ after 9.00 pm of an evening and therefore liked to think of himself as a man of bearing, character and sobriety.

Mr Trewern has left his entire estate of £70,000 to 31 year old Swordfish barmaid Nancy Nance, a gift which has caused some raised eyebrows in both Newlyn and Colinsey Road, where she lives.


Wella Donna Jacka, 55, a music teacher, cello solo performer, member of Mount Street Methodist choir and a very popular Guide leader, died last week in a tragic accident, whilst performing her special routine ‘Cello on the cliffs with Wella’ at Lands End.

Always up for a challenge, Miss Jacka continually responded to the call from enthusiastic young Brownies to “sit nearer the edge, Miss!” by moving her seat closer to the edge.

Unfortunately, this proved misjudged when, in the head-nodding fury of a particularly energetic piece, she, together with cello and chair, disappeared over the edge on to the jagged rocks and crashing waves below. Miss Jacka’s estate of £195,000 passes to her devoted lifelong live-in partner, Hazel Opie (54), a primary School teacher.

The world said farewell last week to Long Rock lothario, Leonard Pricke (61), who choked on his false teeth, which he had forgotten to take out. Leonard, a milkman all his life, was never short of a chat-up line and, although he did not marry, always seemed to have a girl – or, at least, a female - in tow.

Leonard was a man of many accomplishments, all of which he kept well hidden from everyone else. Long Rock children lovingly gave him the name “Pavement Pat”, because he often spent a summer night on the pavement in front of the Mexico Inn after a heavy night.

His last girlfriend, Ruby Dick (52), a trainee prostitute from Nancledra, said of him “Ee was sum lovely man, ee was! Proper gent – ee still ‘ad all ‘is own teeth, though ee never brushed them never!” Mr Pricke leaves his entire estate of £53. 59 pence to the Pendeen home for Non-recovering Dipsomaniacs.