A huge new store has opened in Boswedden Lane, threatening to challenge the supremacy of existing retail giants such as R.C. Oates and W.G. Trevaskis. The two latter mentioned chains, both with megastores as far west as Carn Gloose and as far east as Prospidnick, are unlikely to welcome the competition, which will, for various reasons, be fierce.
This fresh challenge is mounted by a Liechtenstein entrepreneur, Franzl Hirschvogel, who has cut his retail teeth in the "Hund eat Hund" world of the High Street in Vaduz.
Franzl, (34) a part time crew member of the Liechtenstein Navy, took part in an official visit to Newlyn, during which he met and fell in love with local girl, Nancy Trenwith (29). Franzl, who speaks no English, commented, "Ich liebe meine Nancy!"
Nancy, a former barmaid and scrubber at the Swordfish Inn, where the two met, commented, "I kent bleeve my luck. Ee's loaded an ee's a bleddy dish, inna?"
The deliriously happy couple -- shortly to be married -- have gone into business together with a sharp new idea that is likely to take the whole of West Cornwall by storm -- G M Stores.
The first of these brand new stores opened last week at the junction of Boswedden Lane and Kelynack Terrace, although the store uses the prestigious Boswedden Lane address.
Ground-breaking ideas are used in this store.
Firstly, everything is behind a counter and customers queue to be served by either Franzl or Nancy. A warm welcoming chat is all part of the new retail experience, although in Franzl's case, the conversation is very limited indeed, unless you happen to be German speaking, in which case he is apparently most effusive, telling the same joke over and over.
A second big departure is that every item on sale is made from genetically-modified sources.
In the case of those necessities for which a genetically-modified option is sadly not yet available, the keen couple have managed to obtain irradiated supplies from Tchernobyl. So successful have they been that there is no need for artificial lighting in the store, since the plums in brandy and bottled beetroot (both from Tchernobyl) glow powerfully in the dark.
Nuclear irradiated or (hopefully, and) genetically-modified food is believed by this pair to represent the food future for the people of this planet and they intend to be the suppliers.
Prices are certainly expected to draw the crowds. For instance, a ton of irradiated mutton -- delivered to your home in a specially constructed truck ("to keep the goodness in") will cost you only £4,567.95 (plus VAT). You will also receive an almost free (it will cost you only £7,700!) radiation-proof deep freezer in which to store the meat.
G M Stores are also stocking the "Three Head" brand of genetically-modified yoghurts. Eat those and you can become -- for free -- part of a big scientific experiment.
Nancy and Franzl will be getting married next month. Unusually, Franzl will be assuming Nancy's surname, Trenwith, after they marry, as he says, "Es hört sich mehr Cornisch an als Hirschvogel!"
So Oates, Trevaskis, and now...Trenwith??
GM FOOD STORE OPENS IN RELUBBUS!
PENDEEN MAN WINS CARN GLOOSE LOTTERY
The surprise winner of this year's internationally-famed annual Carn Gloose Lottery can now be revealed to be none other than Pendeen man, Simon Jacka (37).
Mr Jacka, pictured here with his huge cheque following the presentation at the Newlyn Deep Sea Fishermen's Mission, accompanied by some rapidly-appearing and ever hopeful female admirers (all of whom work in the Newlyn Kwop), said that he had bought his £5 ticket some three months ago and then promptly forgot all about it.
"When I 'eard they numbers comin' up on Radio Kernow, it sounded a bit familiar. I 'ad plum fergot I 'ad that ticket, but when I 'eard they numbers, I pulled un out and couldn' bleeve I'd won the bleddy thing!"
Literally tens of tickets are sold throughout the year to hopefuls, who all have their eye on the big prize. This year the winning ticket brings Mr Jacka the princely sum of £341.95. Mr Jacka (42) is single and works over St Erth Creamery as a cleaner. He has, over the years, acquired a reputation as something of a gambling playboy on the West Cornwall scene and can often be seen down the Mecca Bingo, but a win on this scale was beyond his wildest dreams
Mr Jacka (39) plays trombone in Pendeen band and came 5th in the sack race in his penultimate year at primary school. His mother, Lizzie (96), who lives nearby in an old folks' home, was over the moon.
"Now ee've won 'is fortune, all ee duh want now is to settle down with sum nice li'l maid", she said.
The nice little maids in the picture are from the left Rowena Pascoe (18, cheese counter), Olive Pengelly (21, bacon counter), Avril Pearce (23, fruit and vegetables) and Lavinia Andrewartha (19, till). Unfortunately, when the girls realised that the winnings were £341.95 and not £341,950, they disappeared as quickly as they came.
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RELUBBUS AIRWAYS ARE PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THE RE-INTRODUCTION OF THEIR POPULAR "SELECTOR" FLIGHTS
Relubbus Airways, "the people's choice" airline, with scheduled daily return flights from Relubbus International airport to St Just airport, Newquay, and Wellington in New Zealand, has succumbed to enormous public pressure and is re-introducing its hugely popular, but controversial, "Selector" flights.
Pictured on the left is the Merlin turbo-prop nine-seater, manufactured by the Cornish Aircraft Corporation (CAC) at Rosudgeon, that will be used for the flights, which are regarded as the ultimate thrill in air travel.
The Selector is a variant of musical chairs with one crucial difference. Passengers are secured into their seats with hand and ankle cuffs. When safely airborne, the Selector is switched on. Stirring music is heard -- vigorously hummed or whistled by the pilot. A light on top of the headrest of each seat is illuminated -- one after the other. When the music stops, the occupant of the illuminated seat is "selected" and receives a 150,000 volts electric shock.
In an atmosphere of ever growing suspense, up to three selections can be made per flight.
One of the survivors from the last flight in June last year commented, "You just don't know suspense till you've been on a Selector -- it could be curtains for you! You feel so relieved when you are one of the last six, who will touch down, but then you can't wait to get up there again for that special buzz!"
Selector flights will start next week from Relubbus International and will cost £8500 per person. Special rates for "Get the Groom" stag parties!! Tel. Relubbus 456830
