Celebrated Newlyn violinist and inventor, Tamsin Oleander Pengelly-Saunders (29), who likes to be known as TOPS, is required to appear before magistrates in Relubbus on a string of charges including causing actual bodily harm.
Not content with her musical career, which has taken her right round West Penwith -- and even for a whole season to the famed Relubbus Hippodrome, which will have netted her a tidy sum adjacent to at least £594 -- she has also been spending time at her Gurnards Head “Small Man Surgery”.
She has invented – and patented – a steam powered ‘developer’, which she claims will help challenged gentlemen “to grow significantly in areas in which significant growth will be appreciated”. Having conducted extensive testing with mice - one of which survived, she came up with 'the answer'.
The evil device in question is pictured on the left.
Her first client, Rodney Clemo (42) of 18 Colinsey Road in Penzance, had grown tired of the relentless belittling he had been subjected to at school and in his job, where, as a fireman, he was required to take showers with other men. He had acquired the nickname “microscope” and had grown heartily sick of the matter. He was therefore only too keen to stump up his life savings of £32,000 to be the first to try TOPS’s patented device, the Begrubulator.
No sooner than he had inserted himself inside the device than he became trapped. The steam built up, the heat built up and in seconds Clemo was in absolute agony. It was only when his firefighter colleagues arrived (to his great and enduring embarassment!) that he could be rescued and ferried to hospital. Clemo is pictured on the left. Whilst bandaging is only required in his nether regions, he has, for shame, insisted on being bandaged from head to foot.
TOPS meanwhile is completely shocked, saying “I am completely shocked!” Police have raided the Gurnards Head premises and confiscated the device. The Roundup will report further on the development of this case.
Denzil Mevagissey (55), a milkman of Tolcarne in Newlyn, is a man whose name is rarely out of the high society pages in West Penwith.
His dress sense is legendary and, whilst he chooses to make little of his innate stylishness (“I jes’ threw it on”), what he wears today is worn throughout Cornwall by the fashionable tomorrow.
He is a patron of the Swordfish Inn, where he likes to take an evening drink between 5 pm and 11pm, at which time he is carried home by loyal retainers and hangers-on. Staff at the Inn are used to its being picketed by fashion photographers -- all eager to be the first to be able to obtain a snap of what the great man is now wearing.
Denzil is a modest man of limited ambitions. At home, he is content with the company of his two budgies, “Pinky and Perky’. No woman is required to give his home a female touch – it relaxes in a permanent and only mildly pungent easy male lassitude.
Denzil does enjoy the comfort he obtains from his roll-ups and the brown-stained fingers of his right hand provide ample testimony to the frequency with which he ‘smokes a choker’.
Now, however, the notoriety of this ‘man of style’ has been elevated yet further by the deathbed confession of his mother, Agnes (94), that Denzil is the lovechild of none other than Lamorna lothario, Uriah “Ukelele” Uren (pictured here on the left - with a banjo - to show his versatility!).
Uren, who died some fifty years ago, charmed his way into the heart of many a young Cornishwoman. Indeed, some geneticists maintain that such was his charm – and his spellbinding speed with his trouser buttons - that he fathered 10% of all the children born in West Penwith between 1948 and 1958, when he died ‘of trouser exhaustion’. Few can deny that there are many folk born in this period who have the traditional ‘Uren nose’.
If so many folk were indeed fathered by the ubiquitous Uren, some may wonder why Agnes should have felt that her experience of a Uren knee-trembler was so different. As Agnes herself claimed, “I seduced ov un, I was the first, I was!!”
ADVERTISEMENT
The Sancreed branch of the Methodist Fundamentalist Young Women’s League (Armed Division) has fallen below its desired number of 500 members and is now appealing for young 
women of a Methodist persuasion to apply for membership. Applicant females are required to foreswear ‘drinkon’, dancon’ and all other works of the devil'. They must be between 18 and 24, be handy with a gun, but must never ever have been within 50 yards of an unrelated male, unless he was dead.
The young ladies spend their exciting evenings listening to Radio Cornwall, assembling and disassembling their guns, making St Piran flags in crochet and knitwear, engaging in light-hearted banter and holding farting competitions. If you are a young lady who fits the bill, and likes the bill of fare, then telephone Morwenna Rosewarne on Sancreed 74562.
PEOPLE IN THE NEWS
WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED CREDIT CRUNCH?
In Relubbus annual growth is expected to hit a record 21.9% in 2009, the 59th consecutive year 
of growth in our economy, which is the envy of the world. Mortgage rates in Relubbus are a comfortable 0.15% per annum, on 21 times salary. Savings rates have hit an all time high of 17.5% per annum for instant access accounts.
All of these miraculous achievements were made possible by the nomination by Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman Billy Spargo (97) of his childhood friend, Bernie Madoff-Withit (97 and pictured on the left) as Treasury Minister some 60 years ago. Treasury Ministers the world over constantly try to pump Madoff-Withit for the secret of his success. He remains - as ever - tight-lipped.
The English Chancellor (who curiously speaks with a Scottish accent), Alice Dear Darling, has 
been seen on bended knee pleading for some insightful guidance so that he can lead the English out of the mess his boss, Gordon the Brun (who also curiously speaks with a Scottish accent) has led them into. It is not only the English economy which is in a total mess – the Americans, sundry Europeans and the Asian tigers have all fallen prey to the illness which besets the English economy.
At this stage, one should note that the Welsh and the Scots (fellow Celts, O dear people of Relubbus!) enjoy an absence of irritants such as tuition fees and hospital parking charges. (Is this perchance Alice and Gordon’s secret gift to the Celtic world?).
However, Alice has discovered that the figures just do not add up. In a secret meeting, in heavy disguise, with Bernie at a Little Chef restaurant in Kent (where Bernie insisted the bill be paid by Alice!) Alice howled over his chips that he “didna' knaw how it’s all gonneh end! Everything we do seems to turn to shite! Can ye no help us owt, Bernie?”
Bernie appeared to keep his cool and confine his comments to appreciative, though not very informative, slurping and chomping of his eggburger-and-chips and coffee.
Once this meal had been consumed, Bernie thanked the English Chancellor for the “ansum bitta grub” and stated how much he looked forward to meeting Alice again at the next G20 meeting. 
Then, overlooking the fact that Alice lay crumpled in body and spirit, weeping helplessly at his feet, he eased his right leg to release a noisome parcel of noxious gas into the receptive English air, and strode off to the gleaming, purring Ministerial Ford Prefect car, waiting to whisk him off back to Relubbus.
Of course, those of us who have the good fortune to live in the sainted environs of world-famous Relubbus know nothing of this thing called Credit Crunch, but, to help the people of Relubbus appreciate the woes of 
others, we despatched intrepid Roundup roving reporter, Aggie “Pipey” Penlowarth across the border to England (Pow Saws in Kernewek).
There she sought out and interviewed representatives of certain key groups in order to get the measure of the crisis besetting the English economy.
She spoke first to Linda Titt, the 27 year old spokesperson for the English Collective of 
Prostitutes, who told her that “fings ain’t never bin so bad, like. Punters ain’t got no money no more, like, innit? Like we got reductions on all lines – sometimes as much as 50% - and no one is interested, innit? We tried advertising in Relubbus, innit, but them Methodist fundamentals was like mental man, innit, innit?"
As the ‘innit’ count grew ever higher, taking Linda’s utterances off into the lofty realms of incomprehensibility, Pipey moved off to interview another key indicator – none 
other that Bill “Crowbar” Hatchet, the 43-year-old representative of the English Union of Housebreakers and Forced Entry Operatives.
Bill stated that whilst Linda’s girls might be able to lay claim to the title of the oldest profession, his lads would not be too far behind with their claim to similarly ancient honours.
He pointed out that, whilst burglars have their standards, the credit crunch was forcing too many amateurs into the game, who were giving it a bad name. The Union had a number of ‘minimum performance standards’, governing such basic matters as the time taken to gain entry, the correct use of the crowbar, the minimum time to ‘immobilise’ the house-owner without ANY permanent injury to his/her health, adherence to RSPCA-approved treatment of guard dogs, the taking of appropriate breaks during work, etc. All of these high professional performance standards were being simply ignored by moonlighters into the world of professional crime.
A similar doom-laden message was given by Tina Chav, the 23-year-old Public Relations Officer for the 
Basildon-based Retail Pilferers’ Association. Said Tina “Ya knaw waddimean, innit? We’re like a professional body, like for people wot takes fings wivout payin’, innit? Our members is like everywhere, innit – in Whittards, Woolworths, Adams and everyfink like that, innit? Closin them stores is like takin’ our income away, innit – plus you got all dem amateurs wot is like competin wiv us like, innit”.
Pipey, getting the message and tiring once more of the rising ‘innit’ count, decided to leave the sorry sad world of Alice’s wonderland and return to the reassuring sanity of Relubbus.
GYMKHANA WINNER -- A FRAUD!
Ripples of surprise, then dismay, then shock, disturbed the habitual calm of the Relubbus Gymkhana world when the 13-year-old winner of the hunt seat equitation (13-15 year olds), Lucinda Trumpton-Biggsley-Thorpe, on her pony, Trollope, was revealed to be none other than 60-year-old public convenience maintenance operative, Horton Trembath, riding his "favourite four-legger" Alfonso (pictured above).
Simply by wearing a sou'wester and speaking in a (now obviously) suspiciously high-pitched voice, Horton managed to convince the judges that he was a 13-year-old girl. Perhaps even more difficult to explain is the fact that the judges failed to observe that Horton's mount owed a lot more to bovine then equine ancestry.
It then emerged that none of the judges had driven to the event, but all had had to be chauffeured to it because of their poor vision. The chairman of the judges, Mr Jethro Bolitho, pictured on the left, and the only member of the fourteen judges not registered blind (but nonetheless suffering from very poor vision) did claim that he could distinctly perceive some movement when "that girl with the funny voice" came on. "She had to be worth the prize", he said, as he "couldn't see a bleddy thing when they other little maids was supposed to be on their 'osses!"
Outraged parents, all of them sighted, complained when the award was made to Mr Trembath, who, after receiving his prize from the judges, freely confessed to being "the toilet man from Morvah".
NEW YEAR ISSUE, 2008. Issue 19, 1st January 2008
FEMALE FUNDAMENTALISTS ARE REVOLTING
WHO'S BEEN A NAUGHTY GIRL THEN?
By Religious and Social Correspondent Rendell Janner
At a recent convention of the Cornish Methodist Golem Pasty makers, one participant has seen fit to break with convention and show her face, despite the terrifying punishments attendant upon any female who dares break convention and show herself.
A Roundup snapper, Archie Treglown, managed to obtain this picture of Loveday Jenkin, wife of leading Golem Methodist, Methuselah Jenkin. She unveiled herself upon leaving the convention location at Richmond Methodist Sunday School.
When queried by the Roundup's terrier photographer as to what might happen to her for contravening the sect's terrifying injunctions on inappropriate female behaviour, Loveday retorted that, "If that arsehole (Methuselah) tries to do anything to me, he'll be squeaking at a higher pitch than a tenor mouse by the time me and my scissors are finished with his knackers!"
This produced a chorus of support along the lines of "Proper Job, that'll learn ‘im" from the other ladies present, although they all wisely decided to remain fully veiled.
Human Rights groups have often railed against the restrictions that extreme Methodists reputedly apply to their women. Since secrecy is so tight amongst these extreme Methodist groups, no one can be entirely sure of their practices, but stories have emerged of routine twice-daily beatings as a matter of course, with additional beatings laid on for "infringements". These latter can encompass a wide range of "unacceptable female behaviour", such as talking, laughing, breathing too loud, poor cooking, inadequate cleaning, insufficient attention to a husband's requirements, failing to guess what the husband wants in any situation, and being female.
Clearly Loveday Jenkin has now issued a challenge to her husband and the Roundup will be pursuing the story to update readers on the outcome of this storm in the extreme Methodist teacup.
EXCLUSIVE: ROY ORBISON IS DEAD
Investigation by Grubber Trevorrow
The Roundup can reveal exclusively that famed American singer-songwriter Roy Orbison is dead. The news will come as a devastating blow to the many thousands of Roy's fans in Relubbus, who had been looking forward with huge anticipation to the opening concert in the singer's world "comeback" tour, which was due to have taken place, in Relubbus, in February.
Roy is shown left posing for surprised fans in Hayle Kwiksave last year, when he paid his second visit to Relubbus in as many months, to finalize the details of the tour.
Roy had been so impressed by the passion and loyalty of his Relubbus fans that he decided to play not one but two gigs in the city; and Relubbus was to have had the distinction of hosting the first and the last of the tour concerts.
In fact, the Roundup can now reveal that Roy Orbison died in 1988. It seems that the "Roy Orbison" who visited Relubbus was an imposter.
In a statement yesterday, Chief Inspector Harold Carne of the Relubbus Constabulary said that Relubbus ex-actress and male impersonator Diadora Ponce, currently a resident in the Barncoose Secure Home for Terminally Confused Ex-Actresses and Male Impersonators, has been interviewed and is likely to be charged with criminally bad impersonation and conspiracy to defraud.
Councillor Billy Spargo confirmed last night that, in a special deal arranged by himself, the Methodist Hall had already been booked for both of "Roy's" Relubbus concerts, and that he was now likely to lose a lot of money. To cater for the expected huge demand for tickets, he had paid up front for extra folding chairs from the WI, he said. Quizzed about refunds for tickets that had been booked in advance, he said that these would be issued "in due course".
SPOTLIGHT ON ALTERNATIVE THERAPIES IN RELUBBUS
By Medical Correspondent Dr Rendell Janner
There is much talk about the efficacy of alternative therapies and many a heated debate has been generated on the topic of their value.
To help our readers form their own opinions, we present here some of the better-known alternative practitioners whose services can be found within Greater Relubbus.
Dentistry
Darren Tregonning (32) is, by day, a sewage treatment plant operative, who thoroughly enjoys his chosen profession. However, in the evenings he indulges his passion for dentistry. He is the only completely free dentist working in the Relubbus area. He takes no fees, as he says that his reward is to be found in the job itself.
Darren is self-trained and enjoys the challenge of "getting by" with the minimum of tools. Specialising in extractions, his favourite tool is the pliers. It is his aim to wrench out the offending tooth with such speed that the client will require no anaesthetic. So keen is he to "pull teeth" that he will come to your home to practice his arts. His mobile phone number is 07886 456722. Call him and he will attend at any time of the evening or night.
Diagnosis -- the vital step before treatment
Doris Penhaul (72) claims to have solved the mystery of many a difficult diagnosis by deploying her most unusual sense of smell. She claims to be able to make accurate diagnoses of every condition simply by examining and sniffing intensely soiled underwear.
Doris needs at least three badly soiled undergarments in order to make a diagnosis and she charges what she describes as a modest fee of £105 per item in order to make the diagnosis. This produces a minimum fee of £315 per patient. To those who feel that this is a high price to pay, Doris issues a simple challenge -- "you stick your nose into a pair of stinking wet pants and see if you like it -- it stays with you for days!" She claims that it is worth every penny to the patient, as she can diagnose every ailment known to man and can even foretell future illnesses. The soiling of the undergarments is achieved by the taking of virulently active home-made laxatives, for which Doris makes an additional charge of £50.
As a responsible reporting organ, we feel that we must share the fact that West Penwith doctors appear not to share Doris’ opinion that she can diagnose every condition. Dr Trencrom Polglaze of Newlyn pointed out that the only condition Doris seemed to be able to diagnose with unerring accuracy was diarrhoea.
Tasty Jennifer Tonkin (27) of Newlyn, is, apart from being a bit of all right, a dab hand both at crystal ball gazing and at reading tarot cards. The Cornish cutie claims that deployment of her scrying skills can lead to ready diagnosis of trickier, hard-to-find conditions.
Jennifer, who smells sweet and is very easy on the eye, can be found at her caravan in the Combe. Although someone with her looks should be paid very much more for time in her most fragrant presence, Jennifer charges only £15 per 30 minute consultation. Having visited her myself prior to her successful diagnosis of my club foot, I found that it is very easy to get lost in her bewitching eyes.
Jennifer prefers to communicate in writing because of her severe stutter, but I must say that I even found her endlessly repeated sibilants hypnotic and enchanting. I taped them and play them back at night before I sleep.
Alternative Treatments
Pascoe Tehidy (32) of Tregeseal is the pioneer of one of the most unusual therapies we have come across. A specialist, he confines himself to the treatment of headaches and migraines. Patients lie down on a long table with a box at one end, into which they are required to insert their head. Tehidy then sits on the box and breaks wind through an aperture to surround the head "in healing vapours".
Fortified by a diet rich in beans and onions, Tehidy is able to direct a steady flow of this fortifying gas directly into the nostrils of the grateful patient. In a matter of seconds all thoughts of migraine or headache have evaporated, as the patient desperately withdraws the head in a frantic attempt to find life-giving oxygen. Pascoe proudly confesses, "My farts are reckoned to have the ‘ighest ever recorded methane content. I could knock out an elephant in less than a minute! Someone’s got an ‘eadache, all they gotta do is cum ‘ere and I’ll get rid of un for un!!"
ADVERTISEMENT
JASPER BODINNICK & HIS CARN BREA MOUNTAIN BOYS
TICKETS £100, £75, £50 (standing), from Relubbus Post Office and Warren's, Market Jew Street, Penzance.GERRY HATRICK’S OLDER LADIES' ESCORT AGENCY -- "GOLDEN GIRLS"
By Leisure Correspondent Rendell Janner
Gerry runs a home for over 85-year-old ladies on the outskirts of Relubbus. He is a deeply caring man and is well aware that, although his ladies are advanced in years, they do still have certain needs. For this reason, he has started up the Escort Agency for his "girls".Gerry, pictured here on the left, says defiantly that young male customers can expect from his girls exactly what they would get from much younger female escorts. He does not expect to profit from this venture and states that he will only take enough for his admin costs.
"If a young man is looking for a good time, he can do no better than come to me and take a out a 'Golden Girl'", he says. (See below for costs.)
Pictured on the left is 92-year-old Doris Tregonning. A mother and grandmother many times over, Doris has tried to persuade her 21-year-old grandson Derek to bring his mates round so that she can meet them. Rather cruelly, Derek observed that this was "unnatural" and refused to do so. Although sadly confined to a wheelchair, Doris is very sociable and is adamant that she can accompany her date to the dance floor and give him a run for his money before they go off to get down to the real stuff. Interested parties are asked to check the wheelchair accessibility of any venue they intend to take Doris to. They are also asked to respect her sleeping hours -- she goes to bed at 7.00 pm -- alone.
A "raw sex machine" is how Susan Penrose (87) describes herself. Walking with neither zimmerframe nor stick to support her, Susan is a right little mover and loves to dance, though she does need a half hour break between dances -- to rest up, take her pills, and change her incontinence pads. She is the late night "golden girl", as boys are allowed to bring her back home as late as 8.30 pm. "Suey", as her best boys can call her, has all her own teeth and does not smell. Any customer, who does detect the old problem is back will get a 50% reduction on the price of hiring Suey, Gerry assures.
Just 85 years old and the youngest playmate for hire is Grizelda Polglaze, who has to be locked up, because she gets so excited about the prospect of being with young men. Gerry assures us that she is always up for "rumpy pumpy" and insists that the fact that she is no longer sure who she is need not detract from her having fun.Given her extreme excitability, it is recommended that Grizelda not be taken anywhere public. Gerry is quite happy for suitors to visit Grizelda at the home.
Gerry is adamant that the rights of his ladies to have a little fun should not be restricted by the fact that they are a little older. "Equal rights for all", he says.
Costs are cited as follows:
- Evening dancing £75 plus VAT
- Escorted meal £150 plus VAT
- Kissing (no tongues) £15 each plus VAT
- Kissing, with tongues £25 each plus VAT
PLANNING NEWS
MOUNT RELUBBUS TO BE COVERED WITH CARAVANS?
By Planning Correspondent Rendell Janner
The Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Planning Committee have approved a plan for a large caravan site on the slopes of Mount Relubbus.
At the planning meeting on Wednesday, Chief Planning Officer Bephisto Trezize argued that the site would bring much-needed employment to the area.The plans, submitted by Trezize Developments, include provision for 20,000 caravans, which would completely encircle the lower slopes of the mountain; 3 luxury hotels; 7 ski-lifts; 3 helicopter pads; a small airport; a "ring road" that will encircle the mountain; and an Alpine restaurant.
Committee members opposed to the scheme -- that is, all of them except the Chief Planning Officer himself (who also happens to be the sole director of Trezize Developments) -- argued bitterly that the development would ruin forever the wild scenic beauty of the mountain. Unfortunately for them, the rules of the committee (drawn up by CPO Trezize at the committee's inception) stipulate that the vote of the CPO is of equal weight to the combined votes of all the other committee members; and that, in the event of a tie, the CPO has the casting vote. The application was therefore approved.
MAURICE LABALGE'S NEW YEAR PREDICTIONS!
Many of our readers are devoted, in some cases almost addicted, to the guidance of our resident astrologer, Breton savant Maurice Labalge.
They derive great comfort from using his words to peer behind the curtain of the future, so that they can see with clarity what is coming their way. At no other time is their need as great as it is at New Year.
Monsieur Labalge takes great care in casting his horoscopes, never spending less than one full toilet sitting on the construction of his regular contributions.
2008 Predictions!
Aries The stars reveal explosive actions in Uranus next year. This means that during the month of June, you will experience extended discomfort. Apart from that, romantic dalliances are very well-starred -- particularly with Mrs Hollis, if you wish -- and the career shows solid progression, as you are invited to become under-manager at the bacon counter in the Kwop. A good year - rounded and happy, so much so that you almost forget "the little weakness".
Taurus You still have amazing appetites for a woman of your advanced years, but sadly -- and unfairly -- it is difficult for a woman of 91 to find a partner. 2008 will change all that! It is clearly revealed that you will either have the good luck of having a compliant young (22 year old) Marlon Behenna as your carer next year or that you will have the bad luck of passing on. Either way, the problem will be solved!
Gemini Getting a girlfriend was always going to be difficult for you, given the stutter and the foot, but, as the Germans say, ‘for every pot there is a lid’ and when you meet Dorleen Penhaligon, all your problems will be over. Dorleen’s club foot is even bigger than yours and her stutter will make your diction sound like that of the oiliest, smoothest BBC continuity announcer. The meeting will occur in the second week of January, when you are both buying ca-ca-ca-ca-rrots in Tregenza's.
Cancer You have lifestyle challenges. For your own good health, you must lose weight. Cut down on clotted cream -- say, no more than one quarter pound tub per day. Take up step aerobics. You do need to get in shape, since your marriage will fail next April, when your husband, Bill, confesses that he has been carrying on with that skinny bitch tart next door. You will find it easier to find a new partner -- and to move about -- if you can get your weight down to below 30 stone again.
Leo You have always loved music and the present of a tambourine in July will change your life. You will spend over four hours a day practising to get your play up to professional standards. It will be ‘touch and go’ for at least another decade whether you will be able to give up the day job at the quarry to earn a living as a tambourine professional. The stars are as yet silent on this matter, but they do exhort perseverance... Can you get the daily practice hours up to six or seven? Try to learn and play complete well-known pieces such as the Wedding or the Death march. They will not only stand you in good stead in auditions, but you might even get hired to provide the musical backdrop to people’s major life events.
Virgo Never was a star name less appropriate to one born under it. You seem to have no shame as to whom you do it with and as to who knows about it! The horoscope indicates that this year will see you probe even deeper depths of depravity!! Have you thought of living in Hayle, where there are lots of people like you? It is too much for Relubbus -- you are becoming a health risk!
Libra When I think of you, I hear and see tinkling, chuckling sparkles of light cascading from the heavens to shower you with warm light and love. You are indeed a special person. My heart lifts when I enter Morrisons and see you there filling up the fruit and veg section -- I wish I could be a turnip in your hands. The gentle limp in your gait is the price paid to see such otherwise angelic perfection walking the face of this earth
Scorpio You will miss the MOT on the Fiesta in March. Remember that this does invalidate your insurance, so take extra care until September, when the stars reveal that you will get the MOT situation put right. Be supportive to Nigel, as his mother will die in October. Sylvia Clemo will mean more and more to you this year -- could this be the big one?
Sagittarius An extremely localised hurricane event will target your house in August. Everything in it will be flattened. During that month you should move next door to your Mum’s house which will remain completely untouched. Promotion is strongly on the cards in May, so you had better find a job quick!
Capricorn You will pass your piano exam in November, but only after you agree to let the examiner explore you ("upstairs only"!). You come to regret this lapse and report the examiner. He then loses his job, is thrown out by his wife and commits suicide by jumping off the cliff at Land's End -- twice! You learn from this life-shaping event and will go on to become a model librarian.
Aquarius You will continue with your brave experiments in cross-species relations with the local badger sett, but unfortunately both the RSPCA and the police will take a different view of your activities. You will receive a custodial sentence and "Billy Badger" will be dead by the time you get out again.
Pisces Your attempts to replace conversation with your wife by playing an appropriately worded Abba tune will this April, after 5 years, end in tears. The old bag finally decides to leave you and you can move in with Frank and Harry!
IMPORTANT: CHANGES TO OUR PUBLISHING SCHEDULE
From the New Year onwards, we will be publishing articles individually, as they are written, rather than collected in a fortnightly "issue". We hope that this will enable us to:
- Publish articles more frequently
- Make articles more topical
Issue 15, 5th November 2007
IMMIGRANTS "MUST LEARN CORNISH"
By political correspondent Rendell Janner
At a tempestuous meeting of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) last night, controversial council leader Billy Spargo announced plans that would require all future immigrants to Relubbus to learn Cornish.
In recent years, there has been a huge rise in the number of people, particularly from England, wishing to emigrate to Cornwall -- and to Relubbus in particular. The picture shows a group of potential emigrants queuing outside the Relubbus Embassy in London.
Mr Spargo said that an "unacceptable" situation was developing whereby non-Cornish-speaking immigrants were electing to live in their own self-contained enclaves that had little or no contact with the indigenous population. Many immigrants, he said, made no effort to learn the language, and had no knowledge of Cornish history and culture.
This was "regrettable" for both the indigenous and the incomers, he said, because it made for a divided society in which both groups were impoverished. He called for both groups to explore and celebrate each other's cultures in a spirit of diversity.
Mr Spargo went on to say that the existence of self-contained immigrant "ghettos" was also dangerous, since it could encourage extremists on both sides to target the other's "tribe".
To reduce the problem of immigrant enclaves, Councillor Spargo said that, in future, all prospective immigrants who applied for residence in Relubbus would be required to take a test in Cornish Language and Culture. The Roundup has been lucky enough to obtain a sample test, which we reproduce below.
Cornish Language and Culture Test
Time allowed 2 hours. Write on both sides of the paper. Do not start until told to "Get 'un on!"
1. Write down, in full, all the verses of the Cornish National Anthem, Trelawny. (You may write the English version, if preferred.)
2. Jonathan Trelawny was:
(a) A 17th century bishop.
(b) Scrum-half for Cornwall in the 1991 County Championship Final.
(c) Inventor of the seed catalogue.
3. "An Gof" is Cornish for:
(a) A miner.
(b) A blacksmith.
(c) A travelling salesman.
4. The sentence "I'll do 'un drekkly" means:
(a) I'll do it right away.
(b) I'll do it tomorrow.
(c) I'll do it at some indeterminate point in the future.
5. Write down the recipe for "'eavy (or "'eva") cake". Your cake must be of sufficient consistency and weight to act as a door-stop to a medium-sized oak door.
6. The patron saint of Cornwall is:
(a) St Augustine.
(b) St Piran.
(c) St Nicholas.
7. The national sport of Cornwall is:
(a) Wrestling.
(b) Rugby.
(c) Gig racing.
(d) Association football.
8. The colours of the Cornish national flag are:
(a) Red, white, and blue.
(b) Red and white.
(c) Black and white.
(d) White and black.
9. Which of the following materials have NOT been mined in Cornwall. (You may mark more than one.)
(a) Tin.
(b) Copper.
(c) Gold.
(d) Lead.
(e) Arsenic.
(f) Rhubarb.
10. Which of the following did Richard Trevithick NOT invent:
(a) High-pressure steam pumping engine.
(b) Steam-driven carriage.
(c) The Hawaian surf board.
Note to examiner: Answering (d) to Question 7 or (b) to Question 8 results in automatic failure.
Mr Spargo went on to say that, provided that prospective immigrants passed the simple "Language and Culture" test, to gain admittance to Relubbus they would be required to:
1. Undertake to attend an extended course of Cornish language lessons.
2. Swear allegiance to Relubbus on the flag of St Piran.
CREATIONISM IN OUR SCHOOLS -- the debate!
By Education correspondent Rendell Janner
Relubbus Central Hall in fashionable Boswedden Lane was the scene of a heated debate on Thursday evening, when the champion of Creationism, Goldsithney double-glazing mega-billionnaire Theophilus Rosewarne (on the right in our picture), clashed with Relubbus’ own "Appliance of Science", the acclaimed Praze-an-Beeble physicist, Professor Thelonius Treglown.
The Hall was packed with supporters of both sides. The referee of the debate was none other than the nephew of Councillor Billy Spargo, Harold Spargo, the noted, but somewhat retiring, Ludgvan philosopher.
Rosewarne was egged on by the legions of Methodist fundamentalists who made a point of attending the event. In dramatic fashion they filed into the hall one by one in total silence and lined the walls of the hall. All four of them were clad in black greatcoats, which barely concealed an array of weapons. With fearsome glances all around, they adopted threatening postures. Whenever Rosewarne got up to speak, they let out a deafening roar of repeated choruses of "Praise the Lord!". When Treglown tried to reply, they shouted out even louder "Work of the Devil!".
Given the presence of Spargo’s nephew, order was restored with the arrival of troops of Relubbus police, who took up positions around the hall and surrounded it completely -- a commendable feat, as there were only three of them. The temperature reached such a level that secret service man "Donkey" Clemo was called back to duty from a night off at the Bald Duck.
With order somewhat restored, Rosewarne trumpeted his belief that the whole of creation was summoned into being at a particular time on a particular day in a particular year -- the 23rd October 4004 BC. This elicited a cry of "Balderdash" from Donkey at the back of the hall. The fundamentalists looked him over and, realising that it was the secret policeman himself, a shadowy figure known and feared throughout West Cornwall, judged silence to be a better option than response.
Treglown, tempted to probe this astonishing accuracy further, asked at what time of day the creation event occurred. Rosewarne, his whole frame alive with the electricity of certainty, raised his finger at Treglown (as captured by our photo) and, fixing him with a glare that promised eternal damnation, declared loudly ‘It ‘appened at 2 o’ clock in the afternoon, jes' after danner!"
Clearly amused by this devastating show of hell-fire simplicity, Treglown, a witty man, asked Rosewarne if he also believed in Father Christmas, thereby earning an infuriated punch to the chin.
With Rosewarne now securely restrained by the powerful arms of Donkey Clemo, Treglown was hoisted to his feet by PC Hosking. He then gave a passionate speech in which he called for the light of clarity to illuminate the education of the children of Relubbus.
He asked for no more and no less than that they should be allowed to share the fruits of the labours of the men and women of science, of history, and of education. He called loudly for the retention of the teaching of evolution in the schools of Relubbus, "despite the fact that evolution occasionally gives rise to such laughable aberrations as Mr Rosewarne and the fundamentalists".
This last comment brought the house down and Relubbus Central Hall, usually a seat of learned debate, was transformed into an arena of fast and furious combat between fundamentalists and the police, who, aided by Donkey Clemo, eventually prevailed.
It is understood that the teaching of Creationism will be confined to the many Methodist fundamentalist schools (or madrasas) in and around Relubbus.
ADVERTISEMENT
Come Dancing with Jemima Trevithick!!You may be getting on now, but you haven’t got a Zimmer.
The light may now be fading, but there’s still a little glimmer.
So come now to Jemima’s and we’ll teach those feet to dance
And while you learn the steps, you might well also find romance!
Retired, but not yet got your Zimmer? Then "Get down and Boogie" at Jemima Trevithick’s dance studio for the elderly! 
Jemima, pictured here on the left in mid-groove, caters specifically for people of advanced years, who, whilst still capable of independent, unsupported, motion are a little unsteady on their feet.
This is a specialist facility for the elderly and it has a number of features, which set it apart from other dance studios.
In a friendly way, Jemima shouts very loudly at everyone through a megaphone, so that there is no possibility of their not hearing instructions.
The dance floor has a super-absorbent covering, so that any "accidents" from the incontinent are soaked up without trace -- apart from the smell, of course. Jemima also sells incontinence pads for both men and women.
All dancers are sprayed with heavy perfume on arrival so that there is no embarrassing "old people smell" in the dance studio.
The music is provided from a wind up record player and half-price lessons are available to those people who volunteer to operate the record player.
Each lesson costs a mere £149.99, which is cheap at the price, given that all Jemima’s helpers are qualified geriatric nurses, none of whom have been expelled ignominiously from their previous jobs.
So, if you’d like to lose Mum or Dad for a few hours, just bring them down to Jemima’s!! Jemima’s -- at 14, Boswedden Lane Relubbus
CELEBRITY -- hidden in Relubbus
By Social & Arts correspondent Elsie Rescorla
Relubbus is an economic powerhouse, a fortress of financial strength, a paradise of cultural delights, a land of brilliance and of tolerance. It is, therefore, no surprise that it has, over the years, drawn thousands of the world’s rich and powerful and just plain famous to come and live within it. Although these "celebrities" tend to gather in the environs of the fashionable diplomatic quarter, Boswedden Lane, they have been buying properties all over Relubbus. So just who are these celebrities in our midst? The Roundup shines its torch on just a few of them.
Jennifer Aniston was captured in the photo on the left looking very relaxed whilst taking tea at Polly’s Kettle in Marazion.
Jennifer is an American screen star, pursued by paparazzi wherever she goes. However, in Relubbus and West Cornwall there are so many famous people that she can simply blend into the overall tapestry of glitterati.
When in Relubbus, she lives a simple life. She likes to walk her pet badger, "Uggles", along the beach in the early mornings. She enjoys catching fish, sitting on the harbour wall, and then devours them live and raw. She enjoys simple, playful fun of the sort to be gained from "accidentally" jamming an umbrella into the spokes of a passing wheelchair and watching the startled passenger topple out, whereupon she assumes the character of "Miss concerned", helping the victim back into the chair and even signing an autograph.
George Clooney (left) is another Hollywood star who finds that he can only really be himself in Relubbus. Heart-throb George has taken to living under the assumed name and character of one William Ladner, painter and decorator. The clever plastic surgery he has had done boosts the efficacy of his disguise.
His cover is further maintained by the fact that his live-in partner, Avril Blewett, is convinced that they have lived together for 32 years and knew each other at school before that.
George will not sign autographs, but he will be happy to quote you for any internal or external decorating.
Charles Dickens, the celebrated novelist, is alive and well living in Relubbus, at the ripe old age of 195. Having given up writing some 137 years ago, he slipped away from his Gad’s Hill Place home in Kent to try another way of life altogether. He came down to Relubbus to work as a road sweeper, and is particularly happy that his "patch" is the Boswedden Lane area, because that is where all the rich and famous can be seen.
Jilly Goolden, the UK TV wine expert, can be seen here (wearing a particularly heavy disguise) clutching her habitual "wakey wakey" breakfast glass of wine.
Down in Relubbus, Jilly assumes the name of Selena Curnow and works as a sofa, bed, and chair tester for the Kwop furniture store. Despite branching out into this new way of life, she just can’t let the old wine habits go.
Ming (pronounced "Menzies") Campbell is the former leader of the Liberal Party in the UK. Deemed, at 94, a little too old to be leading the party, he was edged out by his colleagues’ cold shoulder. With his charming partner, Eric (a professional Tarot card reader, masseur, and make-up specialist), he has now come to Relubbus. Eric has used his skills to give Ming that "Black and White Minstrel Show" look, which Ming loves, because it was one of his favourite TV programmes.
Tony Blair is finding it hard to adjust to no longer being the UK prime Minister. He is seen here leaving No 10 Trevaskis Lane (purchased purely because of the house number) in a picture sent in to us by his wife. He is on his way to his new job in Curries in Penzance, where he is specialising in the selling of washing machines and spin dryers, since computers and new televisions contain more gadgetry than he is comfortable with. He travels to work with his wife, who has got a job behind the counter in Warren’s.
Roundup Reporters challenge Oates’ Superstore divvy coupon forger!
By Crime correspondent Rendell Janner
Doughty Roundup reporters have been on the trail of a mystery man who has been making forgeries of dividend coupons issued by the R C Oates superstore in Relubbus. These valuable coupons, which can be cashed in at the store, carry nominal values of from 9 to 37 pence. So far, at the outset of its new dividend scheme, the Superstore has issued 7 coupons, all to the value of 11 pence. However, the market has now been flooded with forgeries. Five coupons, all in the highest value of 37 pence each, have been presented to the store for redemption.
R C Oates, the multi-mega-billionnaire and canny businessman owner of the Superstore immediately became suspicious, since he knew that only 7 coupons had been issued and also that he didn’t intend to issue any more. He contacted the editor of the Roundup and asked for help in tracing the forger. Reporter Alcibiades "Grubber" Trevorrow and photographer Xenophon "Snapper" Kelynack were duly despatched to track down the super criminal.
Using CCTV from the superstore, which held images of the criminal trying to cash in the coupons, Grubber and Snapper soon tracked down and dramatically cornered none other than Trencrom Polglaze -- as shown in the photograph left. Mr Polglaze will appear before magistrates next Thursday.
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
THIS WEEK'S STAR LETTER wins a limited-edition pewter statuette of GRUC council leader Billy Spargo, specially designed for the Roundup by internationally-famed sculptress Dame Barbara Hepwitch (decd.) *
Dear Sir,
As a long-term resident of Relubbus (moved down from London 8 years ago) I find much of your publication -- in particular, the anti-royalty references -- offensive. Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, is a fine woman (as I know from a close acquaintanceship with her first husband) and does not deserve to be lampooned in this way.
The remainder of your rag I find incomprehensible. There seems to be a sub-culture in the area of which I was entirely unaware. Of course, it doesn't help that I don't speak the language.
Yours sincerely,
A.J. Cholmondely-Jackson (Major, retd.)
(The Roundup is always grateful to receive constructive criticism from its readers. To aid our English readers, we plan to publish further editions of our popular "Proper Job -- Cornish for the Non-Cornish" language tutorials. On the subject of the "Duchess of Cornwall", see our exposés of Lily Nichols. It is important to realize that the former Camilla Parker-Bowles and "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall" are not the same person. Ed)
Dear Sir,
GRUC chairman Billy Spargo is a neighbour and good friend of mine and I can state categorically that he is NOT having an affair with Madame Sarcozy! And the rumours about the poodles are completely without foundation.
A publication of your undoubted probity and reputation should take more care in checking its sources!
Yours sincerely,
Annoyed, Relubbus (name and address supplied)
* Based on a design by Dame Barbara Hepwitch. Actual design by Tcheepo Plastics of Relubbus.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!
THE MAGNIFICENT SEVENstarring YUL BRYNNER, STEVE McQUEEN, ELI WALLACH
1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.
Poetry Corner
By our Poetry Correspondent, Alice Chirgwin-JackaIt is our pleasure to be able to publish, from time to time, the less well known poetical works of the folk of West Penwith. One such less well known poet (though highly acclaimed by those who have had the pleasure of reading his works) is a Penzance chemist, who chooses to use a pseudonym to preserve his anonymity.
One of his more recent works focuses on the life of a chemist and we are proud to have the opportunity of publishing the poem here in full.
The Chemist
by Ranulph Oxyacetyline-BurnerLonely Hearts -- they need love too!
When folk have problems with their motions
It is my task to brew up potions.
And this I do to stem the flow,
But, just as well, I can make them go.
If ladies fear the lines of age,
I have the wherewithal to assuage
Their need of ointments, creams, and waters --
To make their skin just like their daughters’.
For aches and pains of every sort
I have a solution that can be bought.
So if you are on a medical quest
Come straight to me, for I know best.
My shop is found on Market Jew,
From whence I have a splendid view
Of all that passes up and down
In this our most beloved town.
They yearn for someone - just like you.
If your heart’s desire is here today
Then write in fast -- without delay!
Amelia Tonkin (26) is a beauty therapist from Germoe. A gregarious girl, she says "I like bein’ out wi' me mates, ‘avin’ a laugh an’ a drink an’ a fag!" Having taken a first class degree in Astrophysics at Cambridge, she decided 5 years ago that she did not want a long term career, but preferred instead to get married and settle down in Cornwall and have kids. She now lives in the parental home and is learning to become a fully qualified beauty assistant at Tracey’s Hairstylist’s in Newbridge. She has spent the first three years becoming expert in fingernail painting and the time since then she has been working on feet. She says "I duh dearly luv doin’ this practical work and it’s much more interesting than what astrophysics was". Her ideal partner would be a trainee garage mechanic with a comparable astrophysical background. Box 5622 is the one for Amelia.
Joe Kelynack (34) is a British Gas engineer from Hayle. He has had some near misses in the romance stakes but, as he says, "A miss is a good as a mile -- I won’t be ‘appy till I’ve 'ad me first date!" Joe lives very much alone apart from his large goldfish and hamster collections, with which he spends a great deal of time in his quest to breed a "hamfish". Suffering, as he does, from virulent forms of OCD in matters of personal hygiene, interested young ladies will find that he is squeaky clean. He longs for real togetherness, which, for him, means being tucked up in bed with his jam-jams on next to the lady of his dreams, while she reads to him from his extensive Beano Annual collection till he falls into blissful sleep. If you would like to be the lady in Joe’s dream then write to Box 5671.
Tommy "Golem" Kneebone (24) is a member of the extreme Methodist fundamentalist group the Gwennap Gangsters. He is shown here at a secret location in St Ives Porthmeor beach, where he is in training to join the armed wing of the group, which is active and feared throughout Cornwall. He is looking for a "proper Cornish maid". However, she must be of the Gwennap persuasion herself. That means that she will remain fully covered (from head to foot) at ALL times, never speak or make noises (even during the daily beatings) and she must be able to make excellent pasties, which don’t break "when I’m on a mission!" Box 4592 if you are she!
Libby Liddicoat (25) from Tremethick Cross works at the St Erth Creamery as a shorthand typist for the manager. She is an activity girl and has lots of hobbies such as archery, hockey, underwater speed-knitting, and aerobic embroidery. She is also an avid collector -- of many different things such as cowpats and various animal droppings. She is particularly fond of collecting gentlemen’s wallets. She says that she is keen to take up line dancing with the right partner and is seeking a very specific sort of person.Apparently, he must look just like George Clooney, have a car which costs as much as the average house, possess a pilot’s licence and have his own plane. He should have at least a couple of million in the bank. He should also live within walking distance of Tremethick Cross. She would like to have the pick of, at least, 6 people who fit the bill. If that’s you and you live in Tremethick Cross and lovely Libby is your sort of caring girl, then Box 6745 is the one for you!
Jemima Trevithick (29) from Perrananworthal is, at 3 foot 1 inch, a little on the short side. She works as a part-time cake decoration for Warrens Bakery. However she is very sensitive to any references to her small stature and is quite insistent that her man should be as tall as they come.She does rather fancy a relationship with a basketball player or someone at least 7 foot tall. Jemima is a sweet and caring girl, who has simply not yet met the right man. She is a traditional home-maker, apart from her hobby of torturing kittens -- in which she displays an astounding inventiveness. Box 7894.
Baldence Bodinnar (32) is a ladies hairdresser living in Gurnard’s Head. He describes himself as a "sensitive" and would like to meet a young man of similar age and with a similarly wide parting. His hobbies are playing marbles and conkers. He has played the penny whistle in a folk band for some 14 years now (he wears a wig for such appearances) and is a competition class cabbage grower, who takes gardening very seriously indeed. The young man he hopes to meet will probably also be a hairdresser... from Marazion... called Dennis. So Dennis, if you are interested, "Baldence is willing". Write to Box 3391 (or call in at Hazel’s Hairfair in Newlyn).IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE
- ALARM IN CAPITAL AS CORNISH INVADE LONDON
- UNEXPECTED TWIST IN SARCOZY LOVE STORY
- CORNISH LANGUAGE INSTRUCTION IS BOOMING!
- BITTER FIGHTING ON HAYLE BORDER
- THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE IRANIAN EMBASSY
- Our socially-responsible Lonely Hearts section
- And much, much more!
