By Literary Editor Barrabas Tonkin 
The Beastie Book of Bad Hair, by Tobias Slaphead. 399 pages, published by Baldie at £59.99.
This sumptuously illustrated volume, containing as it does 103 full colour plates, 44 black and white photographs, and 78 line drawings of unfortunate coiffures, is a must for all serious students of the bouffant, beehive, and mullet.
The Art of Funerary Violin, by Wolfgang Amadeus Mincetart, 3 pages, published by Decca at £799.50.
If you take your violin to the memorial service and someone asks you to play, you need never be at a loss again! Tunes to suit all tastes, from the solemn (Ol' Man River) to the celebratory (Ragtime Cowboy Joe). Recommended.
How Green Were The Nazis?, by Josef Goebbels Jnr. 199 pages, published by NeoCon Books at £3.99.
A refreshingly original book that challenges the stereotypical view of the Nazis as war-mongering mass-murderers. The author has a most persuasive writing style that forces you to question familiar clichés. For example, who would have guessed that Hermann Goering's favourite pastime was cultivating tulips, or that Himmler was "rather similar" to Goering in this (as in one other, better known, respect)?
The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories, by Gilda Mare. 599 pages, published by Girls' Own Publishing at £17.99. Illustrated.
Aimed at pony-mad girls aged 10 to 16, this item should be lapped up by parents of this hard-to-buy-for age group.
The Great Pantyhose Crafts Book, by Nicherles Lappin. 978 pages, published by M&S at £1.99.
Six hundred and sixty-eight ideas of what to do with old (preferably unsoiled) underwear.
The Thermodynamics of Pizza, by Harold J. Morowitz. 1 page, published by the University of Lower Gwavas. Price varies according to toppings.
This is a learned work that should be attempted only by physicists who have studied to post-graduate level.
The Waterless Toilet. Is It Right For You?, by Tom Crapper. 300 pages (including 20 blank 'for emergencies'), published by Closet at 20p.
Contains invaluable advice and diagrams to help you construct your own environmentally-friendly waterless loo.
BOOK REVIEWS
RELUBBUS EROTICA BOOK CLUB
ADVERTISEMENT
JOIN THE RELUBBUS EROTICA BOOK CLUB AND RECEIVE SCOUTS IN BONDAGE ABSOLUTELY FREE!
PLUS EXCLUSIVE FREE GIFTS!
* 2 PAIRS FLUFFY PADDED HANDCUFFS
* CLUB 'EROTO-TICKLER' VIBRATING PEN
* CLUB PUNISHMENT DIARY, BOUND IN MOCK LEATHERETTE
As Tom pulled Madame Whiplash from the water, Ralph wondered whether this was such a good idea...
SEND NO MONEY NOW!
Just send us your name and address and credit card details, and we will send you -- without obligation -- Scouts in Bondage on approval. Should you not be delighted, simply return the book -- unwrapped and unopened -- within 4 hours to cancel your membership. Whatever you decide, the free gifts are yours to keep forever!
However, we are confident that, having experienced the quality of our books, you will be hooked!
To confirm your membership, you need do nothing at all! Simply keep your free book, and we will send you further hand-picked classics of erotica at monthly intervals.
All books dispatched under plain paper cover.
As a member, your only commitment is to purchase one book a month, at the low, low club price of £79.84*, for a minimum period of 840 months.
Over the next few months, the club will be publishing:
The Bordello in Sordello
Venus in Furs
Puss in Boots
Tea-time Tarts
The Story of O
The Story of P
The Story of Q
The Autobiography of Frank Harris
The Autobiography of Arthur 'Bomber' Harris
Each of the club's volumes is exquisitely bound, with a finish chosen to match the book's subject matter. For example, our S&M books are typically bound in genuine hand-tooled leatherette, while our fetishist volumes are produced in shiney plastique.
* Plus £120.16 P&P. Prices exclude VAT.
JOIN OUR CHILDREN'S BOOK CLUB TOO!
Details will be sent with your free book.
TREVASKIS LANDSHARK MARK II
Available in May! Win one here!
The renowned Cornish automotive engineering firm of Trevaskis, which is now operating out of a secret location in one of the garages (we're not saying which one!) behind Penponds Close in Alverton, Penzance, has teamed up with world famous Liechtenstein auto designer, Rudi Stümpfli, to produce the long-awaited Trevaskis Landshark Mark II.
Roundup Readers besieged us when we recently had an offer on for the world-beating Trevaskis Landshark. It is therefore a matter of pride and joy that we can offer ONE of these much sought after Trevaskis Landshark Mark II mean machines to the winner of a draw. To be eligible for the draw, you must answer the questions below correctly.
As these are hand-crafted machines, it is not likely that many more than 10 will ever be built. Eager readers hoping to get their hands on a Landshark are advised to get in quick!
The prototype featured in the picture above, taken in the Kwop car park in Vaduz, Liechtenstein, has technical specifications that will make the competition weep.
For instance, air conditioning is achieved by cunningly placed gaps in the car's body. At speeds in excess of 180 mph, air flows in and is run past ice cubes (to be placed in the car on hot days), which cool the air down to a deliciously refreshing froideur, which you can enjoy whilst other motorists are roasting. For particularly hot days, the main air intake (on the bonnet) will hold one bucket of ice. The doors take one half bucket of ice each and, if you want to keep your shopping cool in hot weather, you can tip a few buckets of ice into the capacious boot, which is big enough to hold one full shopping bag in addition to the ice. However, it is not just the ice which makes this a cool machine!
The car is fully automatic, having just the one gear. Tested going down Chywoone hill in Newlyn, it achieved speeds in excess of 21 mph. Driving off the summit of the Zugspitze in Germany, in the hands of reliable test driver 85-year-old Takazumi "Kamikaze Ken" Watanabe, it achieved amazing speeds in excess of 100 mph in the rapid descent.
Two windscreen wipers are fitted as standard, as is a water pistol for cleaning the windscreen. In a novel departure from standard automobile construction, there are no windows on the driver's side of the car. This dramatically increases the sensation of speed and dispenses with the need for wasteful sensors to detect temperature and external conditions, as the driver will be well aware of them.
Owners are at liberty to add carpeting to the car to enhance the feel of luxury, if they wish, though the generous cardboarding of the floor area prevents most moisture from entering the car, making the wearing of protective leggings redundant.
The Landshark will be on sale in May in both Relubbus and Liechtenstein. Each hand-built machine will cost only £57,555. However, one of these prized road machines will go -- for free -- to the winner of the draw from names of those who submit correct answers [in valid format**] to the following questions:
1. What is the highest registered downhill speed of the Landshark?
2. What was the name of the valiant test driver, who sacrificed his life testing the Landshark on the Zugspitze descent ?
3. How old was he?
4. What is the retail price of the Landshark?
Send your answers, together with your name and address and a stamped addressed envelope, to the Roundup, c/o the Swordfish Inn, Newlyn. Entries must be accompanied by a 10,000 word poem entitled "I want to get my hands on that bleddy Landshark because..."
** Entries are valid only if accompanied by £5,000 in used notes.
BOOK REVIEWS
By Literary Editor Emily Bindweed
Arseangel, by Robert Harris
The much-anticipated follow-up to Archangel, Arseangel tells the story of Fanny Sprot, a Victorian prostitute who specialises in buttock fetishists. Beautifully written, clearly extensively researched, and recommended to all bum fanciers!
Children's Books
The Naughty Golliwog Returns, by Enid Blyton
More racist fun from Ms Blyton, as the crinkle-haired villain abducts and rapes the pure English Rose doll. But don't worry, redneck Big Ears is on the case! Recommended reading for 16 - 18 year olds.
