RE PUTTING THE 'R' BACK INTO THE 'COUNTY' OF CORNWALL!!

Being Excerpts from an entertaining Verbal Exchange between

The Honourable Cecil Longfield Oswald Titt (Champion of England) and

Ruan Ennis (Champion of Cornwall)

The protagonists:

Cecil Longfield Oswald Titt (CLOT) oscillates between his grandiose manor house on the Titt Estate in Hertfordshire (Great Titt House - DEFINITELY NOT open to the public) and his London Club, Benders of Pall Mall.

A proudly English gentleman, he has not, throughout his life, sullied his hands with any work beyond the necessary task of telling others how to better order their affairs, a task he has taken up with a selflessness that only he can appreciate.

A scion of one of the best public schools in England, he has extensive landholdings right across that country and also holds land in Cornwall.  He happens to be in Cornwall at present, as he is beating down his tenants in rent negotiations  and was eager to participate in this debate on the status of Cornwall so that he could ensure that the people know their proper place.

Ruan Ennis (RE) from a council estate in Camborne is a Cornishman's Cornishman and, in fact by way of proof, he reads the Cornishman itself every week with almost as much relish as he reads the Relubbus Roundup, his preferred reading.

Ennis has lived in Cornwall all his life, except for a brief spell in London.  It was during this temporary exile ("I only wennup ferabit geek like"), which lasted for four and a half weeks, that he came to realise - once he had left it - how unique and special Cornwall is.

On his return to his beloved Camborne, he immersed himself in the history, culture and, yes, language of Cornwall and is now an impassioned champion of the separateness of Cornwall and of the celebration of its culture.

The Excerpts:

CLOT:  The map of Great Britain displays the majesty of its heart that is England,  a jewel of geographical exquisiteness marred only by the ragged sordid Celtic excrescences of Scotland and Wales.

Cornwall should rejoice that is but one among many of the ceremonial counties and unitary authorities, which make up this magnificence called England.  You, Ennis, should be proud to see the flag of England flying above the roofs of Cornwall.

I have good news for you, Sir!  You are no mere Cornish peasant, but are instead a proud English hobbledehoy!

RE:  Lissenere, boy!  I arnt takin nunnathat colonial claptrap from the likes o' you.  Oney one flag, what duh blong ere and thassa flag o' St Piran, the flag o' Cornwall.

We err the only so-called 'county' of England - your words, boy, not mine -, which duh ave issone Flag.

Nexdoor, the Devon people 'ad a vote in 2003 to decide on their flag.  We didnaff to ave no vote ere.  Flag? - we've always adden, boy, cuz we're a nation wass always adda flag!

Nuther thing.  People up London duh knaw we're really different.  People frumere err called 'Cornish", people from Spain err called Spanish and people frum Finland err called Finnish.

Idden no other bleddy 'county', where the 'nhabitants duh ave a name like a foreign race.  Tha's cuz we err different  - you're bleddy furren faras we're concerned.

CLOT: Now steady on, my good man, you are running away with yourself.  You Cornwallers cannot possibly compare yourselves to nations such as the Spanish and the Finnish.  They are poor Johnny Foreigners with their own countries and their own awful languages.

You good people are here to serve England as loyal beach attendants and agricultural wallahs wih full rights to pay taxes to the Westminster Parliament.  There you have it!

RE:  Sens dha flows, Saws!

We Cornish duh ave our own language alright anniff you 'ad a brain up tuh understandin' ovun, I would ah spoke tuh ee innun.

The reason we duh talk your language a bit diffrunt, like it wuz farren tuh we is cuz ee is farren tuh we!!  So you can stick yer bleddy 'county' o' Cornwall an give we our country back!  You duh ave the 'onour neow o' bein' in Pow Kernow, the country of Cornwall.

EDITOR:  This exchange continued for well over an hour.  It ended with the Honourable Cecil Titt limping back to his hotel with two black eyes and one ball less than he started out with.  Mr Ennis was uninjured and remains as chipper as ever.

PUBLIC ADVERTISEMENTS

Join the Relubbus Border Agency (RBA) and help make a difference!

With budget cuts set to make a huge difference to people's lives throughout the UK, the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) believes that many more people might be tempted to flee over the border into Relubbus, which still basks in an annual growth rate of 12.7%

To help combat this situation, the GRUC has decided to expand the RBA twentyfold, taking its combined strength to forty.

Pictured are the two current employees of the RBA, Mr Dougie Addicoat (48) standing on the steps of their mobile headquarters and his assistant, Bert Trembath (32) demonstrating the power of their torch, which is used on nocturnal campaigns.

All 38 new employees will be inducted at the grade of 'deputy assistant watcher', which carries a handsome salary of £14 10s 8d per week, cash in hand.  The package will also include a free pair of bicycle clips, a plastic mac and a whistle.

Applicants must be over 3 foot tall and under 40 stone in weight.  Applications in writing to the RBA, care of Relubbus Post Office.

Relubbus Olympics 2012 - Get Involved!!

The Relubbus Olympics  of 2012 are expected to draw crowds in excess of 100, so if you want to shine in front of a massive crowd in the Relubbus Primary School Sports Field, you had better get training now.  The Relubbus Team is looking to recruit new competitors in the following three events:

One Mile Blindfolded Speed Hop (for both left and right leg events)

Throw Yer Pal sfar as you can (pictured)

Marathon Armchair Sitting 

If you fancy your chances at any of these physically demanding events, contact Ebenezer Elias Polkinghorne at the Western National Central Bus Station, Relubbus.

OLYMPIC HERO IN DRUGS AND SEX SCANDAL!

Olympic gold medal hero Ned ‘Pasties ‘ Nudd (14), so recently lionised as the winner of the ‘Floating’ competition at the Beijing Olympics, is at the centre of a sensational drugs-and-sex scandal that threatens to cut short his brief but spectacular career (writes undercover investigative correspondent Dave Seedy).

Only weeks after being idolised by the vast crowds lining Boswedden Lane during the victorious Relubbus Olympic team's open-top bus tour of the city, Nudd has been caught in flagrante with an Atlantic grey seal, a bottle-nosed dolphin, a porbeagle, and a basking shark in the Olympic-sized swimming pool at the home of Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) leader Billy Spargo. It is not known whether Mr Spargo was present at the time, and he was not available for comment yesterday.

According to shocked eye-witnesses, a kind of "feeding frenzy" seemed to be taking place in the pool. Nudd, who consumes 400 pasties a day in training and cannot stand unaided, was at the centre of the frenzy, but a vast amount of fish was consumed by all the participants.

"'Zobvious t' me, they wuz all on drugs", said Mr Spargo's gardener, Bednego Tonkin.

There have also been allegations of inappropriate sexual activity involving Nudd, the seal and the dolphin, though the Roundup cannot substantiate the truth of this. Worse still for Nudd's reputation, the dolphin is apparently a male animal and the seal may be under-age! It is said to have "absconded" from the Children's Touch Pool at the Mevagissey Sea Life Centre on Sunday.

The Relubbus Olympic Committee meet on Wednesday to decide which of its rules, if any, Nudd has broken, and what action to take against him. The Roundup will keep you posted, but at the moment it looks as if Nudd's meteoric athletic career could be over.

RELUBBUS OLYMPIC TEAM UP FOR MEDALS!!

By our special Chinese Sports Correspondent, Dung Xiao Fried Lice

Boswedden Lane is full of the talk of medal prospects, since one of the strongest ever Relubbus teams has been fielded in Peking (as Billy Spargo has ordered it to be named).

The strongest gold medal hope resides in Ned ‘Pasties ‘ Nudd (14) , who will be competing in the ‘Floating’ competition. The International Olympic Committee (IOC) admitted the Floating competition following a petition from the Small Nations of the World, who backed Relubbus to the hilt.

Competion rules are that one must have eaten 500 shop pasties (Eddy’s, Rowe’s, Warren’s or Philp’s only are admissible (Ginsters are banned!)) in the previous 48 hours, before one attempts to float for four hours is a swimming pool. As Ned normally eats 300 pasties a day, he (firmly supported -- not literally, of course -- by his Mum) says that he should ‘walk it’. Just to make sure, the picture we show is of Ned in training – after 400 pasties a day.

The ever popular girls’ relay drinking team, shown here with their trainer, Tommy Tregarthen after a heavy session at the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn, have stepped up their drinking to ensure victory in the Women's 18-24 Piss-Up Competition. The rules are simple – ‘down’ the most in rapid succession and stay standing – for, at least, 30 minutes. These dedicated young women – all from Tremethick Cross Young Women’s Drinking Club are, from the left, Lavinia Angove (21), Aggie Lanyon (23), Letitia ‘Scrubber’ Liddicoat (22) and Poppy Cock (19) . These young women carry Relubbus’s hopes for a second gold.



Relubbus also has great hopes on the track. Brenda Opie (84) is our big gold medal hope in the Over Eighties Incontinence 50 Mile Sprint. Brenda is shown here in the midst of her gruelling training for the race. It is not just a question of keeping going in a gruelling 50 mile sprint race. It is also a matter of keeping up a constant detectable fine spray during the whole proceedings. Brenda is the girl for this task.

Brenda’s chances in this competition have been nothing if not strengthened by her reputed association with Chinese President, Hu Jintao, (37) who is apparently ‘hopressry in rove’ with her. Hu confided to friends on the Central Committee “Wat dat girl can do wiv cigar is no one’s business!!”.

Relubbus’ medal hopes do not end there. Silver or bronze hopes are realistic prospects for Dougie Ladner in the 1950s Milk Drinking Competition. This calls for the ability to drink glasses of milk “in a style consistent with the manner, practice, dress and decorum of the 1950s”. Dougie is held to be a natural for this, as he is a freeze-dried 1950s person.



Another hot contender for a medal is the St Ives milkman, Dick Rosewarne (45), in the Llama Impersonation Competition. Dick is so good at this that even his wife and mother (absolutely NOT the same person, despite the fact that they have never been seen together) are unable to detect him in a herd of llamas when he is ‘doing his impersonation’.



Yet another Relubbus medals hope is to be found in the new ‘Unusual Foods Consumption’ competition, where Pascoe Polkinghorne (29) of Gurnards Head is believd to have a strong chance. He has been in the Far East engaged on an extended training programme, centred on eating rat (as shown in the attached photo).



The last Relubbus medals hope is to be found in the recently introduced “Name That Sex” competition. Contestants are merely required to confuse the judges as to their gender, during interview AND subsequent physical examination. The Relubbus entrant, Chris Pender (32) of Buryas Bridge, has managed to confound and confuse his/her own mother (Nigel) for the past 25 years and Nigel says that Chris should definitely get a medal, if not the gold. The excitement can hardly be contained.

Let us wait to see where Relubbus appears on the medals table!!!

PROTEST AT OLYMPIC OPENING CEREMONY

By Sports Correspondent Rendell Janner
Chinese Olympic officials were incensed today after their much-vaunted security system was breached by protesters for the third time in as many days. And this time, to their huge embarrassment, the protest took place at the Olympic opening ceremony itself, while the eyes of the world were turned on Beijing!
This time, the protesters were three members of the Perranaworthal Rock Interface Climbing and Caving Club (PRICCC). While leader Jez Trebilcock and his girlfriend "Bosoms" Bodinnar staged a diversionary sit-down protest on the forecourt of the "Bird's Nest" stadium, accomplice Buzz "The Fly" Jago swiftly scaled one of the huge street lights just outside the stadium.

Once aloft, "The Fly" unfurled a banner, which read: "ONE WORLD, ONE DREAM, FREE KERNOW". The first two phrases are the Olympic motto. The third is a reference to the struggle of the Cornish people to free themselves from the oppressive yoke of the English state.

As soon as the banner was unfurled, it was noticed by the crowd inside the stadium, creating great excitement. Soon attention had shifted from the Opening Ceremony to the lone protester.

While aloft, Buzz Jago gave an interview to a Canadian journalist which was broadcast around the world. In it, he said:

"The situation in Kernow is remarkably similar to that in Tibet. The distinctive cultures of both countries are being deliberately suppressed by a powerful neighbour. (If you doubt this in regard to Kernow, look no further than the actions of English Heritage.)

"In both Kernow and Tibet, the indigenous population is being turned into an underclass by means of state policies that encourage mass immigration and economic dependency."

Before being led away by Chinese security men, Mr Jago promised that more pro-freedom demonstrations, from both Kernewek and Tibetan activists, would follow.