'ODGO SEMMENS - 'CORNISH FARE"

By our Poetry Correspondent, Alice Chirgwin-Jacka

The restlessly creative poetic genius of Colinsey Road, Penzance -- 'Odgo (the 'dg' is pronounced as in 'Stodge') Semmens -- has, following a recent visit to The Buttery at the top of Morrab Road, been inspired to pick up his pen again.

As the Roundup receives thousands of requests for his works each day, we are pleased to be able to publish this latest work, which he wrote before being rushed into hospital for emergency treatment in respect of his sky-high cholesterol levels.

Cornish Fare

When St Peter, 'ungry at the gate, sets down to take a bite,
It is the noble pasty on which 'ee sets 'is sight.
Fer pasty is a seemly meal to take at any time,
An it duh go down proper wi' a drop of Adam's wine.

When Mawther asks ee tuh come in tuh drink a cup o' tay
You'll get a slice of 'eavy cake and that'll make yer day.
'Er 'eavy is the lightest cake that you could come to know
'An you'll be glad for one more slice when it is time to go.

But, there is one vision in my mind -- a picture clear and steady
An image pure of Cornwall's best - for which I am ever ready.
An' if you're Cornish too, my friend, you'll recognise my dream --
A slice or two of saffron cake an' a 'uge git dolp o' cream.

Odgo

ADVERTISEMENT

Ladies!

Do you sometimes suffer from pains in the back passage? You need suffer no longer! Petula Penberthy, who herself suffered excruciating agony for five decades, has invented her own wonder potion to banish those pains to the past for ever more!!

Pictured here on the left, Petula Penberthy (wearing a hat of her own design!) suffered badly from both pains and unwelcome smells for many a year.

Desperation led her to experiment with many a substance in order to overcome the fearsome pain and the ferocious odours, which her tortured body emitted day and night.


Release eventually came one moonlit night when she stumbled upon two rutting gay badgers out Nancledra way. She has never spoken of what happened that night or of how she made her miraculous discovery. However she how has a menagerie of some 4,000 gay badger pairs and is producing the 'stuff' by the litre.

It works and, now with a sprightly step in her gait, Petula Penberthy is a living testimony to the efficacy of her "Gay Badger's do's". It is now available to you for the give-away price of only £450 per litre (to be externally applied twice a day - wearing protective gloves!) Available for sale exclusively at Tregenza's of Greenmarket, Penzance.

SWF - SPARGO GIVES HIS BLESSING!!

by Language Correspondent Adelaide Lilicrap

The Single (sometimes 'standard') Written Form (SWF) of Kernewek or Cornish has been the subject of controversy right from the very start. For some years, proponents of competing versions of the Cornish Language have been pitted against one another in a life or death struggle to see their own version prevail. The arrival of the SWF is seen by some to be nothing other than a poor political fudge, engineered by a politically correct Committee, whose product has all the effectiveness of any other "committee horse" with 5 legs and two tails, but no head.

However, the internationally acclaimed Relubbus Philological Institute has now thrown its considerable weight behind the SWF and enjoys the full backing of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC). In fact, Council workers have already been seen out changing street signage throughout Relubbus.

The picture on the left shows a Council worker, Mr Ezekiel Trevains (57) putting the finishing touches to a controversial SWF road instruction. The word is pronounced 'Stop', but is spelt in accordance with the directions of the hard-working SWF Committee.

Reaction has not been mixed. Mr Tommy Polkinghorne (45) Leader of the Revised Late Cornish with smart West Penwith pronunciation faction (2 speakers - Tommy and Mrs Polkinghorne) declared the SWF "a bleddy disaster or 'dezastre', as they would spell it".

Mr Pol Jago (39), a fully qualified hairdresser and Druid and Leader of the Unrevised Unified Proper Cornish faction (7 speakers, of whom 2 are fluent!) stated huffily, "I aren't even gwain to comment!".

The Leaders of the 38 other Cornish language variants all criticised the SWF and swore to keep their own variant of the language alive - to their very deaths.

In the face of this onslaught from the language community, GRUC Leader, Mr Billy Spargo (92) was grim-faced and unrepentant. "Ow the 'ell ken we 'ave a viable language in Cornwall, when all they language boys duh do is squabble about oo's version is right. I duh say to they - Quit squabblin an git workin together. Git be'ind this 'ere SWF and mak' un work!!"

Prinz Hans Adam II of Liechtenstein, on a State visit to Relubbus, joined Billy Spargo on the steps of the magnificent Council building in Boswedden Lane and, in his own special way, which met with stunned and probably highly confused silence, added his voice to the call for unity in the Cornish language movement "If we had various forms of ze language in Liechtenstein had, had we never ze economic success had!"

After some hesitation, the assembled crowd applauded enthusiastically, before all three of them dispersed. On Spargo's instructions, Language teaching has now been halted in all 450 Kernewek Institutes throughout Relubbus so that the 1400 language teachers (representatives of the 38 competing versions) can agree one form to teach.

They are being locked up in the Relubbus Methodist Central Hall with no food or water and just the one toilet roll so as to focus their minds. They will be released only once they have achieved complete agreement.

Diary notes for Readers. We are frequently asked what is coming up next by our readers, in particular by five persistent folk, who, apparently speaking from the cramped confines of a telephone box, describe themselves as 'Cornish MPs'. The Roundup will be investigating their claim to be "representing Cornwall".

For the present, the members of the Roundup's 24 person Editorial Council working with Mr Sylvanus Penhaul are content for it to be known that the next three items - in order - will be a work from the great 'Odgo, the tale of the Lamorna Bus Shelter fiasco and the 'English' Heritage story's unexpected, but pleasing, outcome.

LONELY HEARTS THAT YEARN FOR YOU

The Roundup has achieved enormous success in bringing together lonely people who are looking for love in West Cornwall.

Indeed, following the international attention the Roundup has received after its perceptive coverage of the Eurovision Song Contest, it may well be that some of our international readers might like to make contact with some of the special people we present today.

We do also invite international readers to view our older posts covering such interesting items as politics with insightful articles on Bush/Putin, Sarkozy and with special focuses on foreign embassies in Relubbus ; culture with a particular emphasis on poetry and music; and a host of other fascinating offerings including our famous FREE dating facility - Lonely Hearts. Don't forget to POST A COMMENT before you go.

We make no charge for our Lonely Hearts service and simply regard its free provision as being another hallmark of socially responsible journalism. Here are some more folk who are looking for love... from you?

Willy Bosiddick (32) is a well-known milkman from Rosudgeon, the gay capital of West Cornwall. Despite living in this "den of Sodom", as it has been designated by a succession of Methodist fundamentalist preachers, Willy is firmly heterosexual in orientation. He is, in fact, also married with 7 children. Having been married to the same person since the age of 16, he now wishes to experiment further, though only with willing single women, as he fervently insists, revealing a concealed poetic bent, "Despite coming from 'ere (Rosudgeon), I ain't bleddy queer!"

Willy insisted on being photographed wearing this papier mache head so that his wife, Rosemary, wouldn't recognise him. As he says "If she duh see this and duh knaw i's me, I'll get bleddy 'ell." We did try to warn him... Ladies, if you are interested in a man who claims to be the soul of discretion itself, then Box 5682 is the one for you.

Horton Baragwaneth (29) is a fully qualified dentist with his own surgery in Zennor. Horton is a sensitive man, who was badly hurt by an affair some years ago with a girl who worked in the Warrens shop in Market Jew Street. Having been single for some years now -- after his unfortunate affair -- Horton is ready to try again with someone who could share the interests he has acquired in the interim.

Horton is a collector. He has never thrown a tooth away and now has 1,769 samples, all labelled. Branching our from dentistry, he also has one of the largest stool samples in West Cornwall, thanks to the specially adapted patients' toilet in his surgery. He eagerly admits that he is only 27 away from his first 1,000 in this collection. Ladies, if you would like to share Horton's life and his collections, write in to Box 4571.

Irene Upton O'Good (42) is an Irish potter working in Sancreed. Irene took up pottery during her second stretch in prison. Shy about past achievements, she will not say what she was in for, beyond saying that "it will be the last time that bastard ever screws another woman". She is a member of the Sancreed branch of Pyromaniacs Anonymous.

A gifted virtuoso castanets player, Irene is devoted to developing her artistic side. She does not wish to return to prison and is therefore looking for a quiet relationship with a man (or woman, a taste acquired in prison) who can offer a home to her and her thirty two pet weasels. Box 7629

Terry/Teri Angwin (25) is a tranvestite electrician from Hayle. A bearded, 25 stone, club-footed hulk of a man, he is able -- in the evenings -- to transform himself into the dream young woman on the left and assumes the name Teri.

Terry plays in the back row for the Cornish Pirates rugby team, none of whom know about his feminine side, although Terry tells us that he had a hot night with one of them when he had put on his make-up to become Teri. Clearly a complex character, Terry/Teri would like a relationship with an understanding man, who would accept Terry's life as an electrician and a rugby player. Box 5683

Madron Pengelly (56) is a butcher from St Just, who was divorced from his second wife just a year ago, after she discovered him in the cellar with their Labrador dog.

Madron is a keen member of the Old Cornwall Society, a member also of two different male choirs, and is a bellringer. He still plays with the Meccano set he received as boy of ten and enjoys all card and board games.

He is pictured here with his organ, his favourite possession, and would like to find someone new in his life who will enjoy his organ as much as he does. As a bachelor he lives on shop pasties and Jelbert's ice cream. His dream will be complete if he can find "a good woman, 'oo can cook proper!" Box 5673

Gaspar Ruiz (76) is a former Cardinal from the USA, who retired to Cornwall following certain allegations. Conspicuous in Tremethick Cross because he still wears all the regalia of his former office, Gaspar is on orders to keep a low profile. He has joined the local Men's knitting circle and has also joined the queue for a place in the Tregavarah Bowls Club.

A keen pipe smoker -- getting through two tins of Dunhill's Early Morning pipe tobacco each day -- Gaspar is keen to form a pipe-smoking club in Tremethick Cross. He is keen to hear from anyone -- man or woman -- who would like to join his club. He would be particularly keen to hear from anyone else in Tremethick Cross who wears -- or would like to wear -- clerical garb like him. Box 5734.