TOILETS OF NOTE IN RELUBBUS

Relubbus is rightly famed for the grandeur, the inspired innovative flourishes and exceeding beauty of its many institutions.  Who, therefore, could be surprised that Relubbus excels also in the novel freshness of its approach to the provision of public conveniences - or 'toyluts' as they are known in Relubbus.

The Roundup is aware that many of of our numerous international visitors may be unaware  of these hidden gems of the state of Relubbus and we accordingly feature some of them in this issue.

The first and foremost to be mentioned must be the one which is most closely linked with the notion of expeditious dispensation of justice in Relubbus - namely the judges' seats in the Relubbus High Courts.

The Judicial Seat

Mindful that lawyers are always tempted to speak at length and never use one word where they can get away with a two hour discourse, the Relubbus Justice Commission has introduced new rules.

All those appearing before the judges are required to eat a hearty meal and to consume plenty of liquids beforehand.  Once in court, they cannot leave for any reason at all before final judgement is given.

Owing to the build-up of natural bodily pressures - particularly as a result of the addition of laxatives to all food and drink available on the court premises - the lawyers are far less tempted to spin it out.
In fact, many of them are quite desperate to finish quickly before those inevitable accidents occur, which give rise to immediate hefty judicial fines.

Even the judges are not allowed to leave the court until the business is done.  However, a quick look behind the judges' benches reveals that they are not under the same pressure as everyone else in the court.  Each judge now sits on a special 'judging toylut', tenderly crafted and hand finished by Messrs Bollock and Bolitho of Ponsanooth.

Members of the public can also now buy a 'judge's toylut', but interested purchasers should be aware that these fine but functional works of art cost a hefy £103.45.

The Beachbum Special

Visitors to Cornish beaches will have noticed that they are now equipped with open air toyluts.  The open air rapidly disperses any smells and the pipework carries away all the effluent underneath the sand ('hygiene' is the watchword here!) a good few feet out to sea.

As toilet seats are often held to be a potential source of germs, the makers have very cleverly got around this problem by the simple expedient of not fitting any seats to these toilets.  One simply parks one's bum directly on to the porcelain, which itself is regularly washed clean, some say perfumed, by the frequent soft Cornish rain.

Paper can be purchased from the beach shop or lifeguard, if there is one.   During the winter time, users are expected to bring their own paper.

The Water Closet

More and more Cornish beaches now also offer floating toyluts.  It has sadly come to the eye-level attention of surfers and bathers that some sea users think nothing of urinating directly into the sea - or even worse.

Thus the 'floating toylut' was developed to help put and end to this absolutely disgusting practice.  Swimmers suddenly caught by the urge now have no excuse.  They can simply clamber aboard and then sit in comfort until their business is done.

Again, with hygiene to the fore, a pressurised pipe carries the effluent right all the way down to the sea bottom or, at least, to the end of the five foot pipe.

The Tourist's Friend

It has happened to us all.  We are on holiday in some foreign place and are then desperate to go.  We disappear off into a toilet and then, when our urgent needs have been met,  we re-emerge to discover that our group, family or friends have moved on.

That is where the Tourist's Friend's Toylut comes into its own!  You can see out and everyone else can see in!  There is no chance of getting lost.

What is more, your friends will not only know where you are but, with this marvellous toylut, also be able to see just how well you are doing and when you will be out!

Just think of the tourist snaps you will be able to take.

We have told you here about just four of the innovative toilets to be found hereabouts.  But that is not the end of the story.
Next time we will tell you about the 'high wire toylut', the 'trampoline toylut' and the 'upside down toylut', which are just three of the star attractions at the brand new TOYLUT Theme Park in Relubbus.

SPOTLIGHT ON UNUSUAL RELUBBUS SOCIETIES

“If you are tired of Relubbus, you are tired of life”. Thus spake the venerable GRUC Chairman, Billy Spargo, (107) himself.

One way in which the words of His Inimitable Eminence can be found to be true is in the richness of Relubbus cultural life.

There are 4,576 different societies you can join in Greater Relubbus. The Roundup has been invited to put the spotlight on just a few of the most unusual clubs so as to project an accurate picture of the rich diversity of Relubbus life. If you want more information of any of these just phone the Roundup on Relubbus 212121.

GAY TANDEM RIDERS CLUB

Can you ride tandem? The Gay Tandem Riders Club has 135 members. They are all highly skilled in the handling of the tandem and present a merry sight when they process down Boswedden Lane on Pride Day.

As their numbers indicate, they are one man short, so if you fancy getting behind Denzil Trembath, he says there’s a place on his tandem for you!

Respecting new Relubbus diversity legislation, membership is now also open to non-gay couples.

WICCAN TOGETHERNESS

A common misconception about Wiccans is that they are all complete nutters. If that is what you think, then Ron and Doris Penberthy (a young married couple from Goldsithney, who like to call themselves 'The long and the short of Wicca') are just waiting to prove you wrong.

Undaunted by her powerful lisp, Doris gushed enthusiastically, “when me an Ron duh get ‘ome frum work, we duh put on the mystic smoke frum they incense things and then we duh ‘ava go at conjuring up things.

I made all the costumes myself and I’ll make up sum new ones fer all they people what duh want to join we after seein’ this ‘ere!”

YOUNG WOMEN’S UNDERWATER FARTING CLUB

Sub-aquan intestinal gas expulsion is a strenuous and demanding sport, which requires both self-control and great skill. However, when it is executed correctly (as demonstrated here by Rebecca Tonkin), it is both graceful and eye-catching.

The exclusive Relubbus young women’s Underwater Farting Club (UFC) limits its full membership to just six lucky young women and accordingly has a waiting list of 1,207 arranged in 6 categories of ascending competence.

When a vacancy occurs (there is an upper age limit of 23!), an audition is held amongst the top twenty in category one.

It may seem strange to apply to such an oversubscribed club, but it enjoys an inordinately high status and even the high category ‘waiters’ are often boastful about their position.

YOUNG MAN’S ANAL PYROTECHNIC CLUB

Don’t try this at home!!

This club, which is open to young men only, grew out of a dare following a heavy curry night amongst rugby fan friends.

The resultant displays were so impressive that the club was set up to hone the required skills.

Club captain, Dickie “blaster” Clemo is pictured here displaying his hallmark 5 minute ‘blaze’, an acknowledged record in anal pyrotechnics.

TREGAVARAH OPEN AIR TOILETEERS

Human history has, bar the last few thousand years been played out entirely in the open. It is therefore not surprising that some, such as Bert Prat of Heamoor, find it refreshing to be able to live out some of their lives in the open air.

Toileteering in the open air started off as an occasional pleasure for Bert, but now it is part of his daily life. To be able to sit out back, enjoy a bottle of beer, chat on the ‘phone to friends whilst performing a necessary and natural function “seems kinda right to me”, he says in his almost convincing American accent.

You are welcome to call round at Bert’s and try out outside toileteering for yourself.

If you like it, Bert will help you with the necessary plumbing and give you coaching in speaking with an American accent.

PROSPIDNICK YODELLING CLUB

Yodelling is an art most often associated with the Alpine regions, but many will be surprised to discover that it has long been practised in Prospidnick, which lies at the foot of towering snow-capped Mount Relubbus.

Ned Trezise, club leader, is a member of one of the oldest families in Prospidnick, who first came here from Africa around 12,000 years ago. Photographed here in mid-yodel, Ned will look forward to meeting anyone who would like to join the 600 strong club.

GOLDSITHNEY YOUNG NUDE MALE’S KNITTING CIRCLE

Lenny Wakfer (21) is so far the only, but very enthusiastic, member of this somewhat unusual club. It is open to any nude males in Goldsithney who have achieved high skill levels in knitting.

However, Lenny has pointed out that, should no one come forward, he would be happy to change the primary activity of the club to something a little more manly such as fishing or hang-gliding.


MRS TINK’S ICELANDIC FLOWER-ARRANGING CLASS

Gladys Tink would like to welcome anyone interested to attend a taster evening in her Icelandic flower-arranging class.

To those who might find this idea daunting, she points out that the flower-arranging is pretty much like flower-arranging anywhere, but she also admits that mastering the Icelandic does take a bit of hard work.

“It took me 14 years to get my conversational Icelandic up to scratch, but I find it so rewarding to be able to call my flowers by their proper Icelandic names and to be able to chat away about all the latest gossip. I can’t wait for others to join me!” (Mrs Tink does warn that her house sadly does not permit wheelchair access).