TOUGH CHOUGH ON TOP!!

Gurnards Head is the home of this year's winners of the Proper Cornish (PC) Sustainable Tourism B&B Award, which is presented by the charismatic centenarian leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), Mr Billy Spargo.

Spargo is always a firm favourite with the ladies, whether dressed in his civic finery (as pictured left) or whether lounging on a beach in his made-to-measure woollen swimwear obtainable only from fashionable Simpsons in Penzance.

The girlish mother and daughter combination - this year's winners - proved no exception to this rule, as both ladies were so overcome by the masculine magnetism of the great man that they almost forgot to keep their cigars going.

Mother and daughter Agnes (42) and Loveday (21) Trenoweth, have floored all the competition in the PC Sustainable Tourism B&B Awards to walk away with the first prize.

Agnes explains that they operate a luxury holiday facility, called the Tough Chough at Gurnards Head, which consists of a spacious hut and a capacious caravan.
The hut, which is styled as a Swiss mountain "Hütte" can only be reached on foot down a winding cliff path, which twists its painful way through gorse and heather for three quarters of a mile down from the road until you reach the glory that is the Hütte.

Agnes, who lives in the hut, explains that the Queen size bed is big enough to accommodate four more people sideways, if they are happy to shove up, though she insists on being at the end, as she needs to 'go toilet' often during the night.

Wind power lights a 20 watt bulb that bathes the windowless hut in light and when that fails, there is always the candle.  Drinking water is collected from a rain tub, which Mother Nature keeps topped up.  "We duh callun the bounty o' ebben!", declares Agnes.
Washing powder is never used as clothes and sheets are cleaned by the wind alone.  All this underpins the high environmental credentials of this establishment.  But there is more.

The toilet arrangements - in a separate hut with plentiful ventilation holes - provide for the ready collection of all waste, which is then immediately deployed in the vegetable garden, thus rounding a perfect virtuous circle in the food cycle.

Meanwhile young Loveday lives in and operates the three berth caravan, which boasts no less than three windows and a door each side.

The mother and daughter pair rightly pride themselves on being able to offer shameful luxury at the lowest environmental cost.

Alcohol is banned from the the Tough Chough "in case anniyuh they male guests duh get pissed up  and get designs on we!"  Food is wholly vegetarian and all from the cliffside vegetable garden.

The only weakness of the two ladies for supplies from outside lies in their fondness for cigarettes and cigars (the latter being Loveday's particular weakness).  They both smoke incessantly from morning till night, but, as the smoke is always fresh, it is deemed to have a cleansing effect on mind, body, soul and clothes - much like Lampe Berger.

Billy Spargo gushed enthusiastically over the achievements of these  Cornish beauties and spoke at length for almost a minute about how fine an example they were to the rest of the Cornish B&B industry.

The two Trenoweths were over the moon to be the centre of so much attention and were thrilled with their prize of underwear vouchers to the value of £9.75, redeemable at Simpsons of Penzance on any Thursday which happens to be the 5th of the month, at 9.30 am, if the temperature is above 45 degrees centigrade and it has snowed during the previous 24 hours.

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Say 'Oui oui' to Weasel Wee!

Yann Kaerell is a fully qualified and quixotic mystic, who is highly skilled in tarot card reading, wiccan banishing, the manufacture of finely woven wicker prophylactics and french polishing, although he claims to do it in a very Breton way.

Yann is passionate about weasels and it was during his daily intercourse with his prized pets that he accidentally collected some urine from his 35 pets over a ten day period and bottled it.

Given the difficulty of collection, he was forced to put a price of £25 on each 5 centilitre bottle.  Following tests on some 50 unwitting volunteers, the mixture, when imbibed, was found to be highly effective in the treatment of a wide range of conditions ranging from constipation to diarrhoea, xenophobia and incipient homosexuality.

Yann is now delighted to be able to offer his new product 'Oui oui' to the general public at the new price of £57 per 5 centilitre bottle at the Relubbus Farmers' Market on Thursdays.  Customers are advised to hold the nose and let the golden liquid quickly flow down the throat to do its good at the start of each and every day for optimum results.

Two Nancledra Anteaters for sale!!

Yes, this is a genuine breeding pair of the now very rare Nancledra anteater, which is the only Cornish breed of this animal.

Reared from birth inside the farm, this duo, named Boris and Doris, are completely house trained and do not even require a litter tray, since they have been using the toilet since the age of 13 months.

Now 'gettinonabit', their owner, Nancledra farmer, Madron Polkinghorne (97) has finally brought himself to a state of readiness to part with his Boris and Doris, who are probably the very last of their kind.  Bids will be welcomed over the next two weeks and serious bidders are asked to bear in mind that Mr Polkinghorne has set a reserve price of £585,000.  'Phone Nancledra 567234

GURNARDS HEAD BUSINESSWOMAN TO MARRY ALIEN

Well known local businesswoman, sportswoman and fashion icon, Tamsin Pengelly (31) has surprised the tight-knit local community of Gurnards Head by announcing her intention to marry an alien - from beyond the Tamar and, some even say, from beyond our solar system.

Tamsin, a cheery soul, first came to public attention when she won the 1962 Gurnards Head Secretary of the Year competition, easily triumphing over the other 134 contenders with a prototype tazar gun of her own design.

After working for three years as a secretary in the busy Byelorussian Embassy in Gurnards Head, she left to pursue an entrepreneurial career.

It was the that she conceived of the idea that was to make her fortune - the Knitted Teapot.  Everyone was familiar with the idea of a tea cosy fashioned from knitwear, but she wanted to design a fully functional teapot made - entirely - from knitwear.  Thus began months and months of experimentation with different knitting styles and with different wools.

Every attempt was dismissed by Tamsin's supportive mother Aggie (108) with the despairing judgement "Ee duh look orright, but ee duh leak, my livver! Gwon maid, avenuther go!"

Soon Tamsin became such a frequent visitor to the Penzance Reference Library in her diligent quest for a solution that some people came to believe that she worked there.

Eventually her research paid off when she came across news of an entirely unexpected wool source, which she believed might hold the key to her success.  At first she could not believe her eyes as the description appeared to read as some sort of joke.  It spoke of a five-legged wool-bearing pig from the eastern forests of Poland called the Svinochka.  However, this was no joke, the Svinochka did exist. Tamsin had 100 test animals imported from Poland to Gurnards Head and then made two happy discoveries.

Firstly, the novel pig wool retained hot fluids perfectly and was admirably suited for the purpose of knitting teapots.  Secondly, the Svinochka made excellent kosher and halal bacon.

The rest is history.  Tamsin quickly imported 40,000 more Svinochkas and teapot production took off and rocketed.  There was also a nice little sideline in bacon rashers, which could be exported to Saudi Arabia, because they came from wool-bearing pigs.

Tamsin enjoyed the benefits of commercial success for 15 years and basked contentedly in the warmth of public adulation and new-found wealth.  Then she sold her company for £45 million and retired to focus her attention and great talents on raising the profile of underwater tennis.

This had long been a passion of hers, although she had lacked the time to develop her lung capacity to the extent required to stay underwater for an entire set.  She is shown here on the left during a practice session near Newlyn harbour.

However, it was during training in stormy weather off Lands End that she encountered Zygon, her name for her alien love.  She had been holding her breath under water for 45 minutes and had then passed out.  She was then detected by Zygon, an amphibian alien, who is believed to navigate with a form of echo-location and who happened to be floating past.  He/she/it brought her to the surface.

Being a young lady of honour, she felt compelled to give herself to Zygon as a reward to him/her/it  for saving her life. 

During a press conference held yesterday on Falmouth Promenade, the multi-millionaire businesswoman declared her intention to marry Zygon, once she had found a way of communicating with him/her/it - which is her next big project.

The Roundup will keep you informed of further developments.