SHOCK REVELATION ABOUT DUCHY'S GOLDEN COUPLE

Starstruck followers of Relubbus high society have long been used to tales about the extravagant lifestyle of the 'golden couple' - Bert 'Len' Harvey from Towednack and Lily Nicholls from Perrannuthnoe.

As our readers will be well aware, Len prides himself on never having done an honest day's work in his life.  He has passed his time contentedly trolling around the Duchy of  Cornwall - sometimes in fancy costumes - obtaining freebies wherever he can.  He has been most successful at it.  In fact, he has turned cadging off the Duchy into a fine art form.

He is shown here, together with a bewildered Lily who can't find her roll-ups, in a snap taken at Penzance railway station, where he has just spotted the rent man coming towards him to try - unsuccessfully - to collect the 55 years rent owing on the luxury accommodation he shares with Lily in Colinsey Road, Penzance.

So famous has the couple become that no society event in Cornwall is now complete without an appearance from the 'Colinsey Kickback Kids'. 

Now, however, a new and unexpected light has been shone onto the so-called Duke and Duchess of Cornwall.

Following a heavy night out drinking with the girls at the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn, Lily let slip, after her eighteenth port and lemon, that she has never had carnal relations with Len.  Instead, she related, it is her reclusive twin sister, Filly, who lives in a nearby field, who has been the recipient of Len's earnestly amorous attentions.

Apparently, Len is unable to tell the two girls apart.  The Roundup has managed to obtain a rare family photo of the two girls together.  When you look at it, you can appreciate Len's problem.

If you are still struggling, Lily is the one on the right.

SHOCK FOR MOUSEHOLE BUSINESSMAN

Tommy Tregarthen (49) is a man who has made it big in fish.  Over 33 years he has built up a wet fish empire, which has grown to one shop in Mousehole AND a delivery van.

Tommy is a popular man in Mousehole.  Apart from fish, his interests are rhododendrons, pickled turnips, yodelling and conkers.

Tommy is also known to be something of a ladies' man.  One person very much of that opinion is his estranged wife. 

Nancy (41) is a senior stylist at Shelley's of St Just and Paris and she is also still exceedingly bitter about their separation and her failure to get a judge to agree that she should be entitled to receive half of Tommy's delivery van.

It was with some surprise that the Roundup received an invitation to visit the Tregarthen family home in Mousehole.  Nancy lives in the house and Tommy lives in a caravan in the drive, in which he occasionally receives lady visitors, which stirs Nancy's jealousy and anger to ever new heights.

When we arrived at the home, Nancy positioned our photographer and then summoned Tommy to come inside the house.

As soon as he had crossed the threshold,  she launched a ritual verbal attack - with a new and one-off twist.

"You bleddy basterd!  You 'ad that li'll tart, Kylie Pierce, in the caravan las' night, didnee?  Bleddy fool, you don't knaw where she been.  It'll be all ovver the Kwop by lunchtime.  Well, neow, I gotta surprise fer you, my cock!!"

Drawing herself up to her full four foot one inch (for they are both people of restricted growth), she then declared with great glee, "Well, my bird, don't gwout lookin' fer yer van today!  'Es my luvver, idn there namore! 'Es , I parked 'n' up somewhere special far ee, my 'ansome!" 

At the mention of his beloved Austin A35 van, he blenched in fear of what news might follow, for he strongly sensed that the news might not be good.

Fixing him with an intense stare, which sought to drain his very life force and savouring this moment of pay-back time, Nancy then administered the killer blow.  "'Es Cappen, I parked 'n' up sum proper far ee this time. [Dramatic Pause] I pushed 'n' ovver th' edge o' Mousehole Pier!"

This was the moment captured by our ace photographer, Dougie Pengelly.

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Do you require a not-so-decorative slattern with a particularly foul mouth?

Lucy Trevanion (27) an unsuccessful trainee streetwalker from Botallack, where business is extremely slack at present, is seeking new employment.

Her ideal job would be operating the mangle in Penzance laundry, which she would find rewarding and fun.  She claims to have come third in the 2008 Apprentice series and syas that she is accordingly passionate about business.

Lucy can be contacted only by post - addressed to Lucy Trevanion, Botallack.

LOOKING FOR LOVE IN WEST PENWITH

The Roundup believes that there is a lid for every saucepan - however bent - and we pride ourselves on being able to bring together those made for each other.

Is there a voice calling for me?  Violet Pender, who has shot to fame and the top of the table in the West Cornish Parlour Song charts (according to the latest figures released by Marshall James's Sheet Music and Record Shop) has received distant adoration from many for her haunting baritone rendition of "Somewhere a voice is calling".

However, sadly this paragon of pulchritude is herself still looking for love.  Before she commenced her singing career, she was a fulltime self-employed used coin collector, operating out of pockets all over West Penwith.   At 36 and still unmarried, she is averse to all types of shelving and has developed a full social life with a keen interest in jigsaw and crossword puzzles, sudoku, crotch stitch and patience.

She would like to start a family and is still hoping that the 'right sort of man' will come along.  He will be hygienic, over 5 feet tall, have nearly all his own teeth and an income of well over £100k.  Are you calling for her?  Box 1

Ambrose Angwin (29) is a self-trained dentist from Botallack with ambitions to 'tekk ovver' the dental market in Greater Pendeen.  He has been out with a number of women, but is restricted in his choice in that he will only contemplate a relationship with a woman whose name begins with 'Z'. "Tha'sowheneye duh give she a card err a present, Ikkun say iss from A tuh Z!", insists this hopeless romantic.  He has so far found a Zena and a Zelda.  He likes to think of himself as an easy-going jovial sort of guy - someone it is fun to be around.

With as yet very few patients, he makes up his money by working as a mortician's assistant, as he jokes that this way he gets to see his patients again.  He is an accomplished exponent of what he terms 'the silent violin' - an equivalent of the air guitar.  Are you the one, whose name begins with 'Z"?  Box 2

Trainee Assistant hairdresser at a famous St Just salon, which we must not mention here, Andrea Cargeeg is a 21-year-old lovely, having come thirteenth three times running in the Sancreed Miss Beautiful Bespectacled Amputee contest.

Andrea is of a shy and retiring nature, much preferring to communicate with a nod, a shake of the head or a smile, or indeed any gesture which gets her out of having to talk.

Andrea has not had any boyfriends - or indeed any friends - yet.  She would like to start things off very quietly, perhaps over a coffee in the Wimpy bar, Penzance, although you might find yourself having to do all the talking for the first few months.  So, fancy a chat?  Box 3

Experimental, but incontinent, couple are looking for same in the Goldsithney area, both to explore mutual pleasures as well as to swap stories about the thrills and spills of incontinence.  Roger and Maude are a old-fashioned couple in their late twenties, who live together in Maude's mother's garden shed, which has been kitted out to a high specification, including a new tin roof and an electric light.  So they have plenty of private space in which to entertain, provided that people go in in the right order and do not wish to turn around.

Maude is able to conjure up a real feast on the ring burner or, if they are out of gas, can make a nice fish paste sandwich for all to share.

So if you are a broad-minded couple who have left the teenage pad and want to move into Tena pads, Rog and Maudie would like to hear from you.  Box 4

Come play with me!!  Doris Botheras is a young Entrepreneur of the Year from Botallack.  She set up her own business as a car crusher last year, when she decided to turn her 35 stone into a means of earning hard cash.  "I wuz sittinonna fortune!", she says.

Totally unshy about her weight, which she keeps up on a diet of several lard pasties each meal, she is a self-appointed champion of the obese and vehemently opposes the institutional 'weightism'  of the NHS Nazis, whom she accuses of being blatantly 'fattist'.

Doris believes that fat is a lifestyle choice.  If that is your view too and you would like to get to know Doris and find out how she keeps the lard filling from melting in the pasty, then Box 5 is the one for you!

DEBUTANTES BALLS ARE BACK!!

Yes, meet the young ladies of style from West Penwith!

On the left are 8 proud new graduates from the Crows an Wra Young Ladies' Finishing School, who will shortly be introduced as debutantes at the Annual Boswedden Lane Debutantes Ball in September.

This grand social event will be presided over, with his customary seigniorial aplomb, by none other than the esteemed Relubbus Council leader Billy Spargo (107) himself, and whichever belle on whom he chooses to bestow the signal honour of his company on this most prestigious of social occasions in the Cornish calendar.

For certain technical reasons, this tends to be a geriatric nurse with particular experience in urological problems, but this year Councillor Spargo appears to be casting caution to the wind.

Despite his, to lesser folk, incapacitating urological and wind problems, it is hotly rumoured around the fashionable salons of Boswedden Lane that the venerated Relubbus leader (pictured here on the left), will be foregoing his usual practice of taking an experienced nursing companion and instead escorting the young lady on the far left of the top photo, Miss Clamydia Trelowarren (21) to the ball.

The other ladies in the top photo – all aged 21 and all from the top drawer of Relubbus society – are, (to Miss Trelowarren’s right) Miss Cynthia Bunt, Miss Lavinia Minge, Miss Mocca Tartt, Miss Spenda Penny and Miss Dorla Rescorla.

The two girls seated at the front (or ‘gels’ as they prefer to be known) are a tight-knit pair from Botallack, who like to be known as the ‘no-knickers brigade’. They are Miss Brenda Bramanagath and Miss Gwendoline Gwenn.

In accordance with tradition, one lucky debutante will be selected as Queen of the Ball.

The young lady will then be showered with valuable gifts, including this year a £5 voucher to be redeemed at Simpson’s of Penzance; a set of nearly-new heated rollers; a half price cup of coffee at the Wimpy Bar; a free ‘blue rinse’ at Shelley’s Hair and Beauty at St Just and a set of tingly horsehair underwear made to measure by the up and coming King of Lingerie himself, Mr Derek Split-Crotch of Newbridge (pictured left, just putting the finishing touches, with mawther’s iron, to a pair of size 20 panties in genuine plastique.)

The only ‘onerous’ duties are the official opening of the refurbished toilets at Newlyn harbour and the requirement to act as a ‘greeter’ at the toilets from 7.00 am till 9.00 pm for the first 60 days after opening.

This is followed by a week of being duty streetwalker (deputising for ace local tart Ada Quick) at St Buryan (from 3.00 pm until 7.30 pm), donating all proceeds to the Botallack Home for Fallen Women.

However, with all this local exposure, it is easy to see why so many young women regard the attainment of the ‘Queen of the Ball’ title as the best possible launchpad into the world of the West Penwith glitterati. Accordingly, we can only say, may the best young lady win!! We will be reporting further...

NEWS IN BRIEF

Nancy Kelynack (32, and the 2004 runner-up in the Miss Nude Knitter of Zennor contest), who runs her own beauty parlour and solarium at Botallack, is being sued by a number of former clients, who claim damages following the use of Nancy’s home-made solarium. Nancy (pictured) is outraged about these claims, which she says could put her out of business.

She therefore used the propane gas powered device herself for the first time yesterday and says “I kent see what they are on about. I d’ ‘ave a proper ‘ealthy glow now an’ I never liked all that long ‘air anyway. I aren’t givin’ up and I’m goina fight this all the way!”

Carnyorth sees the return of the Kernewek Kemmyn Kaped Krusaders! The dynamic duo have re-appeared in town after locals refused to rename their town “Kkarnyorth” in line with Kemmyn spelling. No one knows who these two really are but their slightly menacing presence has been felt all over Carnyorth.

Only yesterday evening they staged a demonstration outside the prestigious Carnyorth Conservatoire, where Mexican cellist Carlos Prieto was performing Shostakovich’ Sonata in D Minor for Cello, demanding in high falsetto voices that the posters be changed to read “Karlos plays Kello rekital at Kkarnyorth Kkonservatoire”.

The Relubbus Ministry of Justice has been rocked by scandal following the production of incontrovertible photographic evidence that the Relubbus Deputy Acting Justice Minister, Mr Justice Denzil Tregonning (52), has been ‘carrying on’ with a large rabbit.

The two were snapped yesterday in their love nest at the two star Tremethick Cross Warm Goat Hotel by the Roundup’s star photographer April Showers.

Says Showers, “The rabbit, who answered to the name of Rodney, was removing Mr Justice Tregonning’s trousers when they were disturbed by the flash of my camera.” Mr Justice Tregonning’s response, on being asked for a comment, is unfortunately unprintable.

Embarassment is hanging heavy over the staff of the Relubbus International Conference Centre. Having been booked for a whole week by a group calling itself the “International Legion of Superheroes”, staff attention was drawn to an important fact only when the group assembled on the front steps for their final photo at the end of the week.

A young passerby, Tommy Whitehorne (8), observed to his mother “Ere Ma, that man’s willy is ‘angin’ out!”.

The leader of the Dutch group, Henk Knobejakkers (37), stated “Ja, ve are not hiding anyting – ve are de nude Legion of Superheroes – no clothes, just bodypaint.”

Yes, Monty is back - playing for three nights at the Prospidnick Secure Home for Old Flashers. Monty Behenna is famed for his flowing piano playing, which he renders in the style of the late great Russ Conway. Monty (61), who is proud to have all his own teeth, is a local man, having been born and bred in fast-living Rosudgeon.

His piano recitals are always packed out – frequently by men wearing macs. Monty attributes this to the masculine style of play he adopts on the piano.

Music critics attribute his popularity with male audiences to the fact that he is always accompanied by one or more of his ‘nieces’, who, unencumbered by any clothing, interpret his music for him. Tickets are £5 for standing and £15 for a seat.

Relubbus Scientist Ardbit Boscathnoe (65) has invented a device which beats colour-blindness!! Having spent two decades beavering away in his laboratory, wrestling with the symptoms of protanopiac dichromatism – or the inability to see the colour red – Professor Boscathnoe has come up with a device which enables sufferers to see red in 31% of cases.

This breakthrough is causing surges of interest throughout the world-wide dichromatic community. The device is a little heavy and the wearer does need to be supported – and guided. But when they go on sale – even at the price of £29,999 – they are expected to ‘sell like hotcakes’.