RELUBBUS ENERGY SOLUTIONS

Brought to you by restless inventor, Len Pascoe

Len Pascoe is a man who likes to think out of the box (and indeed has done so ever since he was released from the box in which he was -- erroneously, he says -- confined by the state). He is a man who likes to think big and he is a man with a dream, who believes in STEAM, which is why he founded RELUBBUS ENERGY SOLUTIONS.

The thought kept him awake all night. It had to be the solution – Steam Power. He used steam power for everything – now he would enable others to do so as well!!

He brushed his teeth with a steam-powered toothbrush so powerful that it had taken out two of his wisdom teeth!

He sat on his steam-powered ‘vacuum–clean’ toilet, which had already removed one of his bollocks, but had left, as usual, his arse absolutely squeaky clean. His supportive and inspired Methodist Minister, when told of the incident, had gushed enthusiastically “Boy, so that’s the reason He gave us two!”

Pictured on the left is the sort of woman who would probably use RELUBBUS ENERGY SOLUTIONS in her home!!

Steam power was clearly the answer to the world’s power problems and his fertile mind began to focus on other obvious applications for this power source.

Thoughts began to stream into his mind... A steam-powered automated ear cleaner might be a boon to those wishing to keep their hands free for other purposes while their ears were being rhythmically scraped and pumped clean of all foreign matters. (Of course, for hygiene’s sake he would have to offer to change the cleaning head once every two years).

Or perhaps ladies would appreciate a steam-powered washing machine similar to but, of course, not the same, as the one he had created for his mother. (God rest her soul!, but at least she died clean, which would have been very important to her).

Thinking of other applications, he mused that when the hand that rocks the cradle becomes a little tired, then parents might want to pass the job on to the cast-iron comfort of the cradle rocker. (60 shuddering shakes a minute will keep baby occupied!)

That was all long ago. Now his solutions are there for everyone to use.

So you can come to RELUBBUS ENERGY SOLUTIONS

FOR THE FOLLOWING STEAM-POWERED ITEMS:

• Cradle-rocker £3,213
• Ear cleaner £4,512
• Washing machine £3,298
• Vacuum-clean toilet £7,456 (Think – no paper – ever again!!)
• Toothbrush £1,863
• Breast milk extractor £4,789
• Ladies’ Depilator £5,281
• Lawnmower £8,945
• Steam car (seating driver + 1 passenger or £74,876 one piece of baggage
• Sinus cleaner £6,402
• Kettle £87,912

NB The ‘Ladies’ friend’ and the ‘Gents’ Vacuum Developer’ have both been temporarily withdrawn from the market following the injuries sustained by Mr and Mrs Hollis of the The Close, Treneere, Penzance. Readers will be re-assured to hear that Mr Pascoe has personally underwritten 5% of the costs of the necessary reconstructive surgery for the Hollises.

Each of the appliances above requires its own power source as pictured on the left.

It will also require its own fully trained steam operative.

These can be supplied by RELUBBUS ENERGY SOLUTIONS at an annual rental cost of only £157,000!!

PERSONAL SERVICES FOR THE DISCERNING USER

Depilation the Easy Way

You've given creams a go – and they don’t work.

You've obviously tried shaving, but that is short-lived and bloody.

So now you are looking for the new fail-safe way. And now you need look no further – you will find your answers in Crows-an-wra!!

So come to Crows and Wra Body Torching for that Bunsen Burner treatment that WILL leave you hairless.

Sandra Botterill will leave you hairless and happy!!

A single session with Sandra will cost you only £39.

Weight Loss – achieve it, without effort, at: Buryas Bridge Body Slicing

It is the new technique that helps you lose pounds (or stones) in seconds.

Dickie Addicoat is ready to help you by slicing off unwanted parts (and weight!!) in just seconds!!

Dickie likes to think of himself as a skilled ‘body sculptor’, who can transform your looks.

A two minute (the maximum) session with Dickie will cost you just £95.

Please note that clients must supply their own sticky plasters!!

Spiritual Telegraphs!!

We pass on those last words you forgot to say!

Everyone wishes that they had said some one last thing to their dearly beloved, before they departed. Once the moment has past, the opportunity has gone – forever! Or has it?

No! It hasn’t, you can speak to your loved ones who have passed on!

For a fee of only £42 per word, you can pass on messages to your dear departed with

Spiritual Telegraphs of Boscathnoe.

Constipation Clearance with High Pressure Hosing!

Also effective with Ear Wax, Alzheimers and Homosexuality!!**

Dougie Blewitt is all kitted up and standing ready to help you with whatever ailment you might have.

His cleansing blast will remove all traces of ear wax for good. It is also known to have beneficial effects in the treatment of Alzheimer’s - it does get their attention!

Also, when the power is turned on full, Dougie is convinced that it will ‘cure’ homosexuality, halitosis, and other ailments beginning with 'h'.

5 (Five) minutes with Dougie cost an amazingly little £445!!!!

** As recommended by Cornish Conservative County Councillor Graham Facks-Martin!!!!

Professor Parry’s Counselling for the Confused!!

As a formerly very confused person himself, Professor Parry is well placed to help those amongst us, who have – for whatever reasons – become ’confused’.

Here follows a quick confusion test:

1. Have you ever voted ‘Tory’? (Don’t be ashamed – it happens!)

2. Have you ever been caught with a part of yourself inserted into an animal of any sort?

3. Regardless of the ‘happy state’ of the animal, is there a picture?

4. Have you killed anyone yet?

5. If not, would your weapon of choice be a bomb, a knife, or a bludgeon?

If you have scored four ‘yes’ s and a bludgeon, then Professor Parry is your man!!

He is to be found at the Long Rock Station carriages between 9.10 and 9,40 on Tuesday mornings. Knock twice, as he's usually involved with his favourite Lemur, Albert.

“Recovery’ sessions with Professor Parry can cost as little as £5,000 per 10 minute session!!