BRAMMIE THE CAT ACHIEVES YET ANOTHER FIRST!!

Brammie, the amazingly gifted cat  from Ludgvan has already astounded everyone by revealing his ability to talk.Now he has revealed another talent - walking on water!

It was only last year that he appeared on Radio Cornwall to 'give personal testimony' to the impact of devastating human cruelty on the feline world by the performance of vicious castrations on unsuspecting male kittens.

Readers of this magazine and listeners to Radio Cornwall will recall his touching words, which had immediate repercussions. 

The Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) issued a banning order on so-called 'doctoring' of male kittens. 

GRUC Council Leader, Billy Spargo, stated "Any vets 'doctrin' any more cats err gunna get 'vetted' by me!"  This dire threat had the desired effect and the cat population of Greater Relubbus consequently mushroomed.

Mindful that the broadcast was taking place before the Radio Cornwall watershed and therefore carefully choosing his words, Brammie - amidst floods of tears - had stated that he had been deprived of his 'wherewithal' before he had even become old enough to contemplate the act which might result in the sound of many little padded paws.

The father-never-to-be from Ludgvan thereby earned the sympathy and support of thousands all over Cornwall.  It was only a little later that most of them had grasped the fact that they really had been listenng to a talking cat.

Brammie, who can also turn his paw to quadratic equations, had realised from an early age that he could understand human speech.  However, it was only after the trauma of his separation from his 'wherewithal' that he realised that he could speak.

As he explained then, "When yer knackers 've bin cut off, you duh wake up bleddy quick an' pay attention.  Wadden long afore I reelised I could talk 'swellas understand!"

Brammie is now back in the news again after yet another amazing feat of walking - on water - from Penzance to St Michael's Mount and back again without getting any of his paws wet.

After his exertions, Brammie relaxed over a restoring pint of beer at his favourite pub, the Coldstreamer, in Gulval and told our special correspondent, Tamsin Trembath (18), who had made a special sartorial effort on his behalf, just what had come to pass.

He explained that, whilst cats do not normally like to be too close to water, let alone in it or on it, fate had revealed to him that he had an ability to walk on it.

He had managed to sneak into Mrs 'Ollis house next door, whilst her beloved budgie was flying free.  He had managed to intercept the budgie in mid-flight and had quickly and expertly dissected it and consumed it in front of an enraged Mrs 'Ollis, thereby earning her immediate and undying hatred.

Propelled by the speed that comes from cold fury, she managed to grab hold of Brammie and, as her house backed on to the Red River, she flung poor Brammie into the fast flowing current, thinking, as indeed Brammie himself thought, that he would thereby meet his doom.

Our feline hero then made his great and happy discovery that he could bounce along the water, never breaking its surface and never getting wet.  He decided to keep this discovery a secret until today.

Having first obtained odds of 100,000,000 to 1 that a cat could not walk on water, he placed a £1 bet to that effect at Ladbrokes before setting out on his epic water trot.

Now Brammie is faced with a problem that not many cats have - how to spend £100,000,000.

He has booked himself in at the Relubbus Veterinary Institute for some urgent 'wherewithal reconstructive surgery', but, thereafter, he is open to suggestions........

NEWSFLASH

First and Last! A Cornish Matador's Dreams meet a Sharp End!

Cornish would-be Matador, Bert Pender (48) from up Pendeen was in the news recently, when he announced that he was 'jackin' in' his steady job as a meter reader to 'ave a bash' at his preferred career path of Matador.

He set off for Spain and was accompanied on the trip by his Enty Doreen (89), who is a part time photographer for the Roundup.

She managed to secure this telling shot of Bert on his very first (and now last) day out in the arena. 

Sadly much damage was done  and Bert has had to accept that he is  now 'dun matadorin' an iss back tuh thuh meters fer me!"

LOOKING FOR LOVE IN RELUBBUS?

We all lead very busy lives these days and some people simply do not get the time to explore society and find ‘the one’ for them. That is where the Relubbus Roundup can make a real difference to your life. In our pages you can advertise to find that perfect soulmate or you can simply browse the entries and maybe – all of a sudden - you will find the right him/her/it looking back at you.

Lucinda Lavinia Liddicoat (27) -- or ‘Triple L’ to her friends -- is a cheery girl, who ‘likes to live it large’. By day she is a conscientious wig-maker, with a special and highly sought-after skill in producing perukes and toupees for bald hamsters. However, as soon as she catapults out of the wig factory in Hayle at 5 pm prompt each evening, she is out for fun, fun, fun. Our photo shows this delightful damsel lining up a few drinks after work for her and her best friend, Tamsin Trevelyan, in the flat they share in Tolroy.

Triple L would like to meet a young man with his own Reliant Robin car (her dream motor). Reluctant to smile because she has no teeth, she would ideally like to meet a toothless young man of her own age. “We’d be equal then, an’ jes’ think of the slobbery snoggin’ we’d ’ave!” If you are a young RR owner with no teeth and would like to give Triple L a go, then ‘phone her on Hayle 56 32 56.

Glorious leggy blonde bombshell Patricia Trembath (25) from up Pendeen, seen here trying to chat up an off duty policeman is a lonely girl! Patricia, or ‘Trishy’, as she likes to be called, is 11 foot 6 ins tall and this has made it difficult for her to make men friends.

Trishy is an enthusiastic, but sadly unaccomplished, trombone player, adores Scrabble and keeps earwigs as pets. Tone deafness does not prevent her from trying to sing and she can often be heard loudly trilling her tuneless drone whilst out and about on the roads of West Penwith, where she has a job as a telegraph pole polisher.

Trishy’s dream is to meet a young man of her own height, preferably from Pendeen. However, suitors from Botallack or even Zennor might also be considered. If this is you then ‘phone Trishy on Pendeen 56 82 13.

Binkie Behenna (22) is an enterprising young lady from New Mill. Although so young, she already runs her own mobile budgerigar insemination, grooming, and burial business, which goes by the name of “Pretty Boy”.

Being a very busy local businesswoman, she does not have the time to explore the ‘local scene’ to find a man. She says, “Looks aren’t important, I’m more interested in what’s inside the man’s trousers than how they look!”

Unlike other one-legged people, Binkie likes to wear a prosthesis rather than hop, but she challenges you to guess from this photo which leg is the falsie! If Binkie sounds like she is the spunky sort of girl you are looking for and you like the cut of her jib, then ‘phone New Mill 65 12 87 (after 6.00 pm).

Huw Dewi ap Rhys (31) is the cultural attaché at the Welsh Embassy in Relubbus. A former male lap dancer from the Swansea docks, he got into working for the Welsh state after doing some private dancing for the Welsh Foreign Secretary, Lydia Thomas-Jones (67). Relubbus is his second posting, having already served in the Welsh Embassy in Bolivia, which he had to leave in something of a hurry, following the circulation of unsubstantiated lascivious stories connecting him to Lucia de Lozada, the 97 year old mother of the leader, Felipe de Lozada, of the UNRSB (the Radical National Socialist Union of Bolivia).

Huw is newly arrived in Relubbus and would like to meet Cornish women of any age. However, he says that he would particularly welcome hearing from young women born in the years from 1908 to 1913. ‘Phone Huw on Relubbus 65 43 91.

Conan Penglaze (74) is a former window fitter from Madron. Conan is an enthusiastic pipe-smoker and gets through 2 oz of St Bruno flake a day. Conan has designed a ‘two-tube’ pipe so that his ‘beloved’, when he meets her, can share the same pipe as him . He has even built in a facility so that the smokers can switch tubes and share dottle, the essence of sharing love for Conan.

Not a man given to many social graces, Conan seeks a woman who can cook, do his washing, attend to his needs and, as he is getting on a bit, who is also handy around the garden. He doesn’t like women who ‘jabber on’. Conan listens to Radio Cornwall all day, and his perfect day consists of sitting in his favourite chair in his long johns enjoying his pipe. If this sounds like the sort of homely man you would like in your home, then ‘phone Madron 64 59 23, being prepared to shout.

Abner Bollock, (43) is a divorced former triangle tuner (now jobseeker) from Prospidnick. Abner used to be married to June, before she left him only six days after they married in 1989, having spent his inheritance in Las Vegas during their honeymoon. Since then he has been trying to pluck up courage to ‘try again’.

Abner lives with his Aunt Dolly in an unconverted barn. Interested females should be aware that Aunt Dolly is a ventriloquist’s dummy and that Abner has got into the habit of long conversations with “Enty” ever since he lost his last job in 1995. Abner says, “The bottom fell out of triangle tuning and now we ‘ave the credit crunch! I aren’t givin’ up yet though – I still got ‘ope!”

Ladies who are drawn to this fascinating beacon of belief in a better world are advised that he has no ‘phone and that they should simply knock the door of the Old Barn, Shite Lane, Prospidnick.

YES, IT'S COMPETITION TIME AGAIN!!!!!!

Readers rejoice!! It is another chance for you, our READERS, to win fabulous prizes!!

Regular patrons of the Relubbus Panopticon will immediately recognise this picture of the fabulously talented Zelda Barncoose (29) of Zennor, playing her zither, while her devoted husband, Jimmy (32), a butcher from St Just, beats out the tune with his hat upon her head.

The all-important question is, "WHAT TUNE IS SHE PLAYING?" The Editor would like, at this point, to insist that Miss Bernice Pierce of St Clare, Penzance, does not write in again (for the 93rd time) to state that the tune is "Camberne 'Ill". The only clue we are giving is that the song is NOT Camberne 'Ill.

So the first step towards winning any prize is guessing which tune Zelda is playing.

Regular readers, especially those from Dar Es Salaam, will be well aware that supplying that one answer will not be enough to win the prizes. No one knows that better than the Editor's 3-year-old niece, Loveday, who has won many of the prizes for the past 6 years. "Prizes", I hear you say, "what might these be?"

First prize this time is nothing less than this sparkling, brand-new 2008 Cornish Avenger car, pictured on the left. Available only in sea-green with pink go-faster stripes, this motor will be the envy of all your friends, equipped as it is with the very latest in gizmos.

We cannot name them all but, for instance, the driver's door has a handle that enables you to lower or raise the window, thus adjusting the condition of the air in the car. We call this "air-conditioning" -- just watch other car-makers imitate it!

In another groundbreaking development, the front windscreen is equipped with a "wiper" which wipes away rain, enabling the driver to motor safely through thunderstorms. So, at a stroke, gone are the days when you couldn't drive in the rain.

In every model of the the Avenger there is also a transistor radio taped to the back window, which is capable of picking up not only Radio Cornwall, but also Radio Caroline, for those of you who like racey music. You can change between the two channels at the flick of a switch, although, of course, you do need a friend in the back seat to flick the switch for you.

Hidden in the glove department is a coin-operated, fruit-flavoured-condom dispenser for the many James Bond moments that are bound to arise in a car of this calibre. The dispenser operates on Lithuanian litas coins and offers three favourite Lithuanian fruit flavours -- blueberry, gooseberry, and loganberry.

In addition to the driver's seat, there is now also an UPHOLSTERED passenger seat, which will provide unheard-of comfort for the little lady in your life!! In the back, the plank has now been planed so that no splinters will ever again give discomfort to your passengers.

The engine is a technologists' dream, representing the very latest in advanced automotive engineering from Trevaskis Motors!! The engine runs on the excreta of the Tasmanian Wolf. This has the advantage that it is very eco-friendly, but labours a trifle under the disadvantage that the Tasmanian Wolf (and hence its droppings) has been in short supply for a good few decades. The lucky winner and driver need have no fears though, as a a full two days fuel (for four miles in total) will be supplied FREE!!.

We could wax lyrical about the Avenger for hours , but must stop somewhere. Suffice it to say that the car boot OPENS, enabling you to use the full 1 foot square space for any luggage you may wish to carry.

Now that you are all salivating with eagerness to own this mean machine, and assuming that you have the correct answer to question one, you need only know the answer to the second question to gain the keys to the Cornish Avenger.

Well, it is not so much a question as a task, which you must successfully complete. TRANSLATE THE FOLLOWING INTO KERNEWEK:
Note: You must use the very latest SWF spelling! Entries in Unified Cornish or even Kemmyn will automatically be disqualified.

"With a methodical and relentless thoroughness, he probed each corner and nook and cranny of his most capacious nose until he found it. Then, he extracted his finger and held the gleaming prize before her eyes. She was so thrilled by the sight that she knew then that she would do anything for this man. She sat there transfixed. It sat there, gleaming upon his finger, a bewitching wash of colours, of greens, of purples, of blues -- how could one nose produce so many emblems of colour?"

Okay, so you have won the car. What else could you win?

Special times call for special prizes - and NOTHING could be more special than this! Behold a new creation from Nancledra!! It is the SAXOBOGGA!

It successfully combines the amatory with the lavatory, hitting all the necessary low notes, one after another. On the open market, this new miracle of the musical world would cost some £75,000 (with plumbing costs extra!).

Picture the scene! You are the new musical maestro. Your beloved is seated upon the throne, beset, alas, with problems of a hideously noisome and gaseous nature which nothing but the muse of music can release. You and she can blow together in happy unison...

Yes, but to win this miraculous musical machine, you must first answer the following question correctly:

Which of the two, Julia or Andrew, will first leave the shabby pee-perfumed limelight of the Liberal Democrats and truly speak for Cornwall?

Of course, if your knowledge is deeper than that of our questioner and you give a name other than that of the sweet Julia or the sainted Andrew and you name a person who does then lay down their name for Cornwall at Westminster, then you may name your own prize within our country.

Finally, as is customary with all our competitions, entries will only be valid (and, therefore, read) if accompanied by £20,000 in used notes. So, what are you waiting for??? Get writing!!