IS THIS PROFITEERING?
The cost of Cornish properties is well known to be little short of a scandal, but the Roundup was amazed to see a sale board and a price tag on a telephone box.
The advertiser’s blurb reads:
"A bijou residence for the brighter personality? With external paintwork in bright Post Office red, this attractive residence would suit a single first time buyer. Whilst it has the benefit of a telephone, it does lack other common conveniences e.g. water, sanitation, etc., and this is fully reflected in the price of £45,000. However, the property has the benefit of windows on three sides. It also comes equipped with a telephone shelf, which will reduce required expenditure on furniture. Streetside parking available. Early viewing recommended."
Are you aware of rip-off property sales? If so, we at the Roundup would like to know about it. And you can rely on us to publish!
MORVAH BAKERY MAGNATE SPLITS UP WITH WIFE! 
Morvah mega-businessman, Jimbo Rouncefield (74) has announced that he is to split up with his wife, former Miss Crows an Wra 1953, Jennifer Addicoat. The "two Jays", as they liked to be known on the West Penwith social scene, have shocked ordinary folk with their extravagant spending. With a sumptuous lifestyle funded by the Morvah bakery and shop, with two further outlets, one at Alverton, Penzance and the other at Gwavas, Newlyn, the two Jays have become a byword for lush living.
Yesterday at the Rouncefield residence, in which there is believed to be a plumbed-in bath and an inside toilet, no one was available for comment. The curtains were closed in what was the capital of the West Penwith party circuit. 
Jennifer Rouncefield (nee Addicoat), pictured right, was known as a quiet beauty before her entry into the helter-skelter world of the West Penwith Glitterati. A Methodist Sunday School teacher with a part-time weekday job in the sub-Post Office, Jennifer didn’t even have a goose to say "boo" to before she was swept off her feet by romancing Jimbo. All the talk now is of what financial settlement Jimbo will have to make in the courts. Read these pages for details.
The SOCIAL WHIRL
edited by Celebrity and Social correspondent Elsie Rescorla
This month, Praze an Beeble Celebrity Cook, Maudie Penhaul, tells you all!
“Ello, again, my 'ansomes! Is tip o' the week time again for ee. Next time you’re making pasties, if you want to make un a bit richer, stick a git dollop o' cream innun.
Course, you gotta dig up your own tattees, turnick and onions for un too. That do normally get your 'ans dirty. But then I d find that there’s nothing better for getting your 'ans clean, than making pastry for the pasty. All the dirt d' come off sum lovely and when you’re finished your 'ans is as clean as a new born babe’s!
THE PASSING SHOW
The local fashion scene with fashion guru Morwenna Burt
Newlyn Girls say “It’s Size Zero Plus!"
These days, there is a lot of silly talk about dress size, an obession with slimness, and a growing failure to appreciate the more rounded woman. Well, it may be like that elsewhere in the world, but it isn’t like that in Newlyn. These three local girls, (left to right, Nancy Penhaligon (21), Wendy Tregear (24) and Daphne Liddicoat (19) who work for the Co-op in Newlyn are all quite happily and resolutely rotund. Shown here on their way to a night out at the Swordfish, these delectable damsels keep their figures the way they like it on 8 pints each and fish and chips every night. Speaking for all, Wendy said “ I wouldn want to be like one o they stick-thin models up country. They can be size zero, we’re for size zero PLUS!!”
INVESTMENT CORNER – DUANE POLKINGHORNE
Duane Polkinghorne of Nancledra Investment Management (NIM) , advises readers on money matters.
Marge Angwin (45), of Penalverne Estate, Penzance, placed her £250 savings with NIM and wants to ask Duane when she can have her money back. Duane responds “I’ve got 'n all tied up in long term fixed Asian gilts, so Marge can’t have her money for the moment. It will be released in about 45 years time with a nice little bit of interest for Marge on top. NIM d' specialise in long term and very long term investments. If you’ve got a bit put by and you want it kept safe for ee, give us n 'ere, and we’ll take of un for ee.”
The Relubbas Roundup cannot be held responsible for any advice given by Mr Polkinghorne.
EATING OUT, with Roland Butter
This month: The Cultured Whelk at Sancreed
I was eager to try this chic seafood restaurant, which is the latest venture of celebrity chef Rock Stone. In the weeks since its opening, reservations have been almost impossible to get, so I was delighted when Rock asked me along to write a piece for the Roundup.
The speciality of the house is, as the name suggests, whelks, which can be served fried, poached, boiled, stewed, fricasseed, or raw.
Rock believes passionately in using only the finest local ingredients, notwithstanding the expense, a fact which possibly explains the menu prices. He obtains his whelks from the seabed off Penzance, close to the Newlyn harbour wall, near the old sewage outflow. It is, says Rock, the amazing richness of the nutrients in this water that produces the largest, sweetest whelks.
For my starter I chose Bouquet of Whelk Mariniere (£25.95), which consisted of two raw whelks in a salty liquid, cunningly flavoured to taste like seawater. I was glad that Rock is a minimalist where starters are concerned, because I did not want to spoil my appetite for the treats that were to follow.
After great deliberation, from the wealth of main dishes I eventually chose Whelk a la Greque (£72.50). This dish consisted of a small mound of fricasseed whelks, served with button mushrooms, tomatoes, onion, garlic, and parsley, all flavoured with the same salty sauce. To accompany the feast, on Rock's recommendation I chose a half-bottle of an extremely dry Marazion Chablis 2004 (£93.50).
For dessert I was greatly tempted by the Whelk Chocolate Truffle (£27.50) and the Death by Whelks (£33.95), but I eventually opted for something more suited to my arteries and chose Whelk Sorbet (£26.00). This was an exquisitely delicate whelk-flavoured water ice.
To complete the meal I eschewed coffee and had instead two glasses of Whelk Brandy (£7.95 each). It has been said, rightly, that Whelk Brandy is an aquired taste, and I would not recommend this drink to those inexperienced in whelk cuisine. To the whelk aficionado, though, it is unsurpassed -- like a salty Calvados.
All prices quoted exclude VAT, the cover charge of £15, and service.
The day following my visit to The Cultured Whelk I was due to report on Rock Stone's other restaurant, at Padstow. Unaccountably, however, I was struck down with agonising stomach cramps and was violently sick. So that report will appear in a later issue.
Proper Job - Cornish for the Non-Cornish
This month, our guide to Cornish dialect looks at some of the terms you might need at Penlowarth, your friendly Soshul (Benefits' Office).
Cornwall is, shamefully, a place of high unemployment. This is, in part, an unfortunate consequence of the emphasis on "English" regionalisation, which fails to take account of the uniquely Cornish situation.
Consequently, many folk are dependent upon the benefits system (the “Soshul”). Also, there seem to be a lot of people walking around Penzance with sticks which are rather more emblematic of their requirement for state support than actual aids to walking.
In order to assist understanding of common streams of conversation, the following little guide may be helpful:
ARDUP AREE? Are you hard pressed for cash?
WANNANEW TV DO EE? Would you like a new television set?
BINTOOK BAD AVEE? Have you been ill recently?
LIKAWASHADRYA WOODEE? Would you like a new washer dryer?
KENTFEED THE KIDS KENNEE? Are you unable to feed your children?
GIROGONMISSIN ASEE? Have you lost your Giro?
ADDENUPTOOEER AVEE? Have you had as much as you can take?
SEENUN LIKUN GUNNABUYUN? Have you seen it? Did you like it? Would you like to buy it?
CUMININEER FER YERANDOUT AVEE? Have you come in for financial assistance?
PLANNING NEWS
Penzance held its breath at the extraordinary meeting of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), convened yesterday in Relubbus’ Wesleyan Sunday School rooms.
Councillor Darsel Tredinnick was moving the motion for the highly controversial Penzance bypass. The picture on the left shows the usual stream of traffic flowing past the railway station in Penzance. It is this traffic flow which is at the heart of the grand plan.
Unlike conventional bypass proposals, this one was meant to prevent any traffic at all from entering or leaving Penzance. Opposed only by Councillor Downing Kivell, who was later carried unconscious from the meeting, the motion was passed with immediate effect. The terminus for all road and rail traffic will be Long Rock on the eastern side of town.
Councillor Tredinnick stated after the meeting that Penzance had grown disproportionately large in relation to Relubbus and that this move was, together with the go-ahead for the new Syprin Boseljack Relubbus International Airport at Gurlyn Hill, a necessary corrective action.
Long Rock Station – pictured here on the right – will be the new terminus for all traffic headed West. The grassland in front of the very recently and expensively refurbished station will be capable of parking up to 67 cars.
"But what of the impact on businesses?" Councillor Kivell had asked before he was removed from the meeting.
Some Penzance-based businesses (including Tesco and Morrisons) have been concerned about their ability to re-stock, given that lorries will no longer be able to travel into the town along the grassed trackways that will shortly replace the existing roads. Councillor Tredinnick has a ready reply to this.
The entire transport fleet of Pengilly and Cock of Barlewenna has been engaged to undertake the ferrying of goods into Penzance. The fleet, which comprises the above cart and two others like it, is well up to the job, according to Mr Tredinnick, who admitted having a large shareholding in the transport firm.
The Roundup is sure that this will not be the last we have heard of this story…..but, whenever there is a development, rest assured that your Roundup will be on the case!
Enty May’s Problem Page
Readers are invited to seek Enty May’s benevolent guidance on sensitive matters of the heart, soul, body and human relations in general. Enty May has a background in long term psychiatric care. 
Question from Denzil Tregarthen (18) of Madron:
Dear Enty, I aren’t very 'appy. I d' 'ave problems getting t' knaw girls. Every time I d' go up to they maids, they d' 'old their noses and call out “'ere comes Soapy!”
Enty replies: Well, my Cock, you don' 'alf ave problems, don’t ay? The problem with you is that you don’t wash and tha’s why they do call you “Soapy!”
Go 'ome, ave a good long bath with 'ot water and a nice bar o' soap and they maids will be all over you.
Question from Enoch Uren (59) of Godolphin Cross:
Dear Enty, Is it true that getting lovey dovey with animals is against the law? I aren’t askin' fer myself, but on be 'alf of a friend 'oo’s too shy to ask ee 'isself.
Enty replies: Well, my Sparrow, you tell your “friend” that there’s nuthin' to worry about legalwise provided ee don’t get seen by no one. Sheep and pigs is alright, but it wouldn' be fair to try un on with anything smaller like a duck or chicken – plus you gotta watch out fer that Aviation flu these days.
Question from Grace Friggens (82) of Carwynnen:
Dear Enty, I am still a virgin and would like to experience the love of a good man before I leave this world. 'Owever, it is difficult to meet people as I 'aven't left the 'ouse these past 56 years.
Enty replies: Well, my Bird, I do believe you’ve left un a bit late, my 'ansome. Now there’s a new sex shop/pizza parlour opened up in Trenoweth. They d' do deliveries. What ee want to do is order up a dildee with a four seasons an' 'avun brought roun'. I got a sister – Ida – in the same position as you and Ida d' do that too.
YOUR STARS
with Breton mystic Maurice Labalge
He’s the mystic they all think terrific
Because his predictions are completely specific!
Aries This month will be bleak because you will suffer from identity theft. This will bring you to the brink of despair, but you will not commit suicide yet.
Taurus This month you will realise that you are gay and you will come out.
Gemini Your unfortunate sexual practices become known and you are completely ostracised - and rightly so.
Cancer You feel on top of the world and this has everything to do with the illegal drugs you have been taking. They are on to you.
Leo You will be poisoned this month, though will quickly recover.
Virgo You will meet a man called Mr Angwin. He will play an important role in your life.
Libra You will bump into a long-lost friend in the Co-op. After an initially friendly conversation, you will come to blows and be arrested.
Scorpio Whilst digging in the garden, you will come across a Faberge egg worth £75,000. As you learnt of it here first, you will send me one third of the money.
Sagittarius A sprig of parsley, a turnip, some onions, a nice bit of skirt, potatoes – oh, and some flour for the pastry, then call in at the doctor’s on the way home. Lightbulbs!
Capricorn Electric shock treatment is coming your way.
Aquarius You will pass only half of your exams and will need to re-sit.
Pisces The armchair in your parlour will need to be re-upholstered.
Poetry Corner
selected by literary editor Emily Bindweed
Battery Rocks
by a pupil of Lescudjack County Secondary School
Summer’s 'ere again an I’m goin' down Battery Rocks
Is quite nice down there lyin' in the sun, reflectin'.
I d’go down there quite offen in the summer, y’ know
Course it d’get a bit nippy, when the wind’s up.
But I don min that. I wouldn min goin
Over Porthcurno, but it d’ cost too much on the bus.
Anyway you d’get too many trippers there this time
O’ year. Anyway I gotta be ome now fer tea.
Or I’ll get ell. So I might as well urry up and go down
Battery Rocks. You can find bullcods in the pools.
I found some las week and smashed their eads in
With a bleddy git rock. ‘Ansome that was.
Anyway thas all I got to say about Battery Rocks.
Philip Trudgeon (14)
THE SPORTING SCENE
New Shoulder Rugby game is launched at Gurnards Head
The Rugby ground at Gurnards Head was packed with spectators on Saturday to see the launch of the new “Shoulder Rugby”. The new game is much like standard rugby union. However, one notable exception is that, when in possession of the ball, the player (as shown left) is not allowed to run, but is required to “hop” along on the shoulder blades.
Denzil Botheras (in possession of the ball) said after the game that the new movement restrictions made the new game a little more static than traditional rubgy. This was reflected in the score of Gurnards Head 0 New Mill 0. Archilaus Clemo (53), a lifelong follower of rugby at the Gurnards Head ground and fully 50% of the packed crowd, said after the game “I never seen such a pile of old bollocks as that. No one hardly moved! I aren’t gunna cum ere to watch another game!
The other 50% of the packed crowd was none other than the unrepentant inventor of shoulder rugby, Miss Adelaide Chirgwin (45) of Kelynack Terrace, Gurnards Head. Miss Chirgwin, a freelance beauty and slimming consultant with a thriving business that stretches from Gurnards Head almost as far as New Mill, had no regrets. “I’ve put a lot of money into the game - £2.10 to each of the players – and I aren’t ready to give up."
The Roundup will be there to cover the next game, if and when it takes place.
Local Girls cover us in glory!
Pictured are (left) Letitia Jago (23, from Madron) and (right) Gwendoline Tonkin (24, from Newlyn) in full flow in the finals of the Ladies Synchronised Directed Wind (SDW) competition in Bodmin at the weekend. Knowing that victory is in their grasp, they can hardly conceal their joy as they struggle to complete their exacting routine, which ends with the National Anthem, the last notes of which Letitia is straining to produce.
Only recently admitted as an Olympic sport, SDW is now tightly controlled from a Health & Safety perspective and the girls are both wearing nose clamps for self protection.
Letitia and Gwendoline easily won the competition and now have high hopes for success in the UK championships.
IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE
- A hard-hitting report on the latest attempt on the West Cornwall Non-stop Piano-Playing record (Gays’ section).
- Celebrity News: the secret grief behind the smiles of the clown they call Loopy Laughing Jack Lesnoweth of Lescudjack -- the Roundup tells all!
- The truth behind the rumours: is Jemima Trevithal (aka Michael Bollock) all she claims to be?
- Global Warming -- does Cornish inventor Joseph Bodruggan from Copperhouse have the answer?
- Featurette on the Gwithian Ladies Pedicycle Club: new pictures!
Correction:
In last month's Horoscope we said:
"With the Archer in Uranus, this is a painful time for you." This should, of course, have read: "With Uranus approaching the Archer, this is a worrying time for you."
