THE RETURN OF BRETON MYSTIC MAURICE LABALGE!

YOUR STARS

with Breton mystic Maurice Labalge 

He is the mystic who knows what will come
For you, for your neighbour, for everyone!

Aries This month will be better, though not good. There will be a death in the family, but you feel well rid of them. A small (£10) lottery win for you will brighten things up.

Taurus Returning your books to the library, you will bump into Mrs Hollis and have a pleasant natter about this and that. While this is happening, someone will attempt to steal her purse. Armed with the information from this column, you will put a stop to that.

Gemini You will have a wet dream and feel a little embarrassed about it. However, this is just a phase and you will soon get over it, particularly if you are female.

Cancer Wishing to change channels on the television, you will decide not to do so by getting up and walking to the set to press the requisite buttons. Instead, you will use a device called a remote control, which will enable you to make all desired changes without leaving your seat.

Leo You will go for an interesting charabanc ride to Marazion. During this ride, you will see a peacock flying alongside you. At your destination, the peacock will await you. You will discover that it can talk and it will tell you secrets about members of the town council. You can then blackmail them.

Virgo You will walk past a stranger today. You will never know what changes he might have brought to your life, had you only stopped to talk.

Libra Whilst at the hairdresser’s, you will meet other women having their hair done. In talking to them, you will hear about Diane Liddicoat’s affair with the Co-op milkman. You will wonder why the story seems familiar. It is only on the way home on the bus that you remember the words from this column.

Scorpio You have offered to baby-sit for your daughter for three days. Unfortunately, your husband has foolishly arranged for you both to drive via the tunnel for a day’s shopping in France on the third of those three days. Fortunately, this column gives you sufficient advance warning of this near-calamity to do something about it.

Sagittarius Those very weird dreams you used to get about intimacies with groups of meerkats are back again with a vengeance. You are strongly counselled to avoid the Zoo.

Capricorn You are coming up for retirement now and, quite frankly, you have never felt happier. At long last, the time is yours to call your own. You can do anything you like. However, you had better hurry up, as extreme health problems are on the way.

Aquarius You will cut the grass this week and intend to cut the hedge. However, whilst up the ladder you will lean back too much to follow an attractive young lady with your eyes, causing you to overbalance and fall badly, breaking your wrist and narrowly missing puncturing your lungs with the shears.

Pisces Very unusually for this time of year, there will be very bad hailstorms, which could do some damage to the young plants in the garden. Warned by this column, you can transfer the tenderest specimens to the greenhouse for a while. Mrs Roskilly pops around for a chat as she does every Tuesday.

NEW YEAR ISSUE, 2008. Issue 19, 1st January 2008

FEMALE FUNDAMENTALISTS ARE REVOLTING
WHO'S BEEN A NAUGHTY GIRL THEN?
By Religious and Social Correspondent Rendell Janner

At a recent convention of the Cornish Methodist Golem Pasty makers, one participant has seen fit to break with convention and show her face, despite the terrifying punishments attendant upon any female who dares break convention and show herself.

A Roundup snapper, Archie Treglown, managed to obtain this picture of Loveday Jenkin, wife of leading Golem Methodist, Methuselah Jenkin. She unveiled herself upon leaving the convention location at Richmond Methodist Sunday School.

When queried by the Roundup's terrier photographer as to what might happen to her for contravening the sect's terrifying injunctions on inappropriate female behaviour, Loveday retorted that, "If that arsehole (Methuselah) tries to do anything to me, he'll be squeaking at a higher pitch than a tenor mouse by the time me and my scissors are finished with his knackers!"

This produced a chorus of support along the lines of "Proper Job, that'll learn ‘im" from the other ladies present, although they all wisely decided to remain fully veiled.

Human Rights groups have often railed against the restrictions that extreme Methodists reputedly apply to their women. Since secrecy is so tight amongst these extreme Methodist groups, no one can be entirely sure of their practices, but stories have emerged of routine twice-daily beatings as a matter of course, with additional beatings laid on for "infringements". These latter can encompass a wide range of "unacceptable female behaviour", such as talking, laughing, breathing too loud, poor cooking, inadequate cleaning, insufficient attention to a husband's requirements, failing to guess what the husband wants in any situation, and being female.

Clearly Loveday Jenkin has now issued a challenge to her husband and the Roundup will be pursuing the story to update readers on the outcome of this storm in the extreme Methodist teacup.
EXCLUSIVE: ROY ORBISON IS DEAD
Investigation by Grubber Trevorrow
The Roundup can reveal exclusively that famed American singer-songwriter Roy Orbison is dead. The news will come as a devastating blow to the many thousands of Roy's fans in Relubbus, who had been looking forward with huge anticipation to the opening concert in the singer's world "comeback" tour, which was due to have taken place, in Relubbus, in February.

Roy is shown left posing for surprised fans in Hayle Kwiksave last year, when he paid his second visit to Relubbus in as many months, to finalize the details of the tour.

Roy had been so impressed by the passion and loyalty of his Relubbus fans that he decided to play not one but two gigs in the city; and Relubbus was to have had the distinction of hosting the first and the last of the tour concerts.

In fact, the Roundup can now reveal that Roy Orbison died in 1988. It seems that the "Roy Orbison" who visited Relubbus was an imposter.

In a statement yesterday, Chief Inspector Harold Carne of the Relubbus Constabulary said that Relubbus ex-actress and male impersonator Diadora Ponce, currently a resident in the Barncoose Secure Home for Terminally Confused Ex-Actresses and Male Impersonators, has been interviewed and is likely to be charged with criminally bad impersonation and conspiracy to defraud.

Councillor Billy Spargo confirmed last night that, in a special deal arranged by himself, the Methodist Hall had already been booked for both of "Roy's" Relubbus concerts, and that he was now likely to lose a lot of money. To cater for the expected huge demand for tickets, he had paid up front for extra folding chairs from the WI, he said. Quizzed about refunds for tickets that had been booked in advance, he said that these would be issued "in due course".
SPOTLIGHT ON ALTERNATIVE THERAPIES IN RELUBBUS
By Medical Correspondent Dr Rendell Janner
There is much talk about the efficacy of alternative therapies and many a heated debate has been generated on the topic of their value.

To help our readers form their own opinions, we present here some of the better-known alternative practitioners whose services can be found within Greater Relubbus.

Dentistry

Darren Tregonning (32) is, by day, a sewage treatment plant operative, who thoroughly enjoys his chosen profession. However, in the evenings he indulges his passion for dentistry. He is the only completely free dentist working in the Relubbus area. He takes no fees, as he says that his reward is to be found in the job itself.

Darren is self-trained and enjoys the challenge of "getting by" with the minimum of tools. Specialising in extractions, his favourite tool is the pliers. It is his aim to wrench out the offending tooth with such speed that the client will require no anaesthetic. So keen is he to "pull teeth" that he will come to your home to practice his arts. His mobile phone number is 07886 456722. Call him and he will attend at any time of the evening or night.

Diagnosis -- the vital step before treatment

Doris Penhaul (72) claims to have solved the mystery of many a difficult diagnosis by deploying her most unusual sense of smell. She claims to be able to make accurate diagnoses of every condition simply by examining and sniffing intensely soiled underwear.

Doris needs at least three badly soiled undergarments in order to make a diagnosis and she charges what she describes as a modest fee of £105 per item in order to make the diagnosis. This produces a minimum fee of £315 per patient. To those who feel that this is a high price to pay, Doris issues a simple challenge -- "you stick your nose into a pair of stinking wet pants and see if you like it -- it stays with you for days!" She claims that it is worth every penny to the patient, as she can diagnose every ailment known to man and can even foretell future illnesses. The soiling of the undergarments is achieved by the taking of virulently active home-made laxatives, for which Doris makes an additional charge of £50.

As a responsible reporting organ, we feel that we must share the fact that West Penwith doctors appear not to share Doris’ opinion that she can diagnose every condition. Dr Trencrom Polglaze of Newlyn pointed out that the only condition Doris seemed to be able to diagnose with unerring accuracy was diarrhoea.

Tasty Jennifer Tonkin (27) of Newlyn, is, apart from being a bit of all right, a dab hand both at crystal ball gazing and at reading tarot cards. The Cornish cutie claims that deployment of her scrying skills can lead to ready diagnosis of trickier, hard-to-find conditions.

Jennifer, who smells sweet and is very easy on the eye, can be found at her caravan in the Combe. Although someone with her looks should be paid very much more for time in her most fragrant presence, Jennifer charges only £15 per 30 minute consultation. Having visited her myself prior to her successful diagnosis of my club foot, I found that it is very easy to get lost in her bewitching eyes.

Jennifer prefers to communicate in writing because of her severe stutter, but I must say that I even found her endlessly repeated sibilants hypnotic and enchanting. I taped them and play them back at night before I sleep.

Alternative Treatments

Pascoe Tehidy (32) of Tregeseal is the pioneer of one of the most unusual therapies we have come across. A specialist, he confines himself to the treatment of headaches and migraines. Patients lie down on a long table with a box at one end, into which they are required to insert their head. Tehidy then sits on the box and breaks wind through an aperture to surround the head "in healing vapours".

Fortified by a diet rich in beans and onions, Tehidy is able to direct a steady flow of this fortifying gas directly into the nostrils of the grateful patient. In a matter of seconds all thoughts of migraine or headache have evaporated, as the patient desperately withdraws the head in a frantic attempt to find life-giving oxygen. Pascoe proudly confesses, "My farts are reckoned to have the ‘ighest ever recorded methane content. I could knock out an elephant in less than a minute! Someone’s got an ‘eadache, all they gotta do is cum ‘ere and I’ll get rid of un for un!!"
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GERRY HATRICK’S OLDER LADIES' ESCORT AGENCY -- "GOLDEN GIRLS"
By Leisure Correspondent Rendell Janner

Gerry runs a home for over 85-year-old ladies on the outskirts of Relubbus. He is a deeply caring man and is well aware that, although his ladies are advanced in years, they do still have certain needs. For this reason, he has started up the Escort Agency for his "girls".

Gerry, pictured here on the left, says defiantly that young male customers can expect from his girls exactly what they would get from much younger female escorts. He does not expect to profit from this venture and states that he will only take enough for his admin costs.

"If a young man is looking for a good time, he can do no better than come to me and take a out a 'Golden Girl'", he says. (See below for costs.)

Pictured on the left is 92-year-old Doris Tregonning. A mother and grandmother many times over, Doris has tried to persuade her 21-year-old grandson Derek to bring his mates round so that she can meet them. Rather cruelly, Derek observed that this was "unnatural" and refused to do so. Although sadly confined to a wheelchair, Doris is very sociable and is adamant that she can accompany her date to the dance floor and give him a run for his money before they go off to get down to the real stuff. Interested parties are asked to check the wheelchair accessibility of any venue they intend to take Doris to. They are also asked to respect her sleeping hours -- she goes to bed at 7.00 pm -- alone.



A "raw sex machine" is how Susan Penrose (87) describes herself. Walking with neither zimmerframe nor stick to support her, Susan is a right little mover and loves to dance, though she does need a half hour break between dances -- to rest up, take her pills, and change her incontinence pads. She is the late night "golden girl", as boys are allowed to bring her back home as late as 8.30 pm. "Suey", as her best boys can call her, has all her own teeth and does not smell. Any customer, who does detect the old problem is back will get a 50% reduction on the price of hiring Suey, Gerry assures.






Just 85 years old and the youngest playmate for hire is Grizelda Polglaze, who has to be locked up, because she gets so excited about the prospect of being with young men. Gerry assures us that she is always up for "rumpy pumpy" and insists that the fact that she is no longer sure who she is need not detract from her having fun.

Given her extreme excitability, it is recommended that Grizelda not be taken anywhere public. Gerry is quite happy for suitors to visit Grizelda at the home.

Gerry is adamant that the rights of his ladies to have a little fun should not be restricted by the fact that they are a little older. "Equal rights for all", he says.

Costs are cited as follows:

• Evening dancing £75 plus VAT
• Escorted meal £150 plus VAT
• Kissing (no tongues) £15 each plus VAT
• Kissing, with tongues £25 each plus VAT

Cost of other services available on application. (You will not be disappointed!!)
PLANNING NEWS
MOUNT RELUBBUS TO BE COVERED WITH CARAVANS?
By Planning Correspondent Rendell Janner
The Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Planning Committee have approved a plan for a large caravan site on the slopes of Mount Relubbus.

At the planning meeting on Wednesday, Chief Planning Officer Bephisto Trezize argued that the site would bring much-needed employment to the area.

The plans, submitted by Trezize Developments, include provision for 20,000 caravans, which would completely encircle the lower slopes of the mountain; 3 luxury hotels; 7 ski-lifts; 3 helicopter pads; a small airport; a "ring road" that will encircle the mountain; and an Alpine restaurant.

Committee members opposed to the scheme -- that is, all of them except the Chief Planning Officer himself (who also happens to be the sole director of Trezize Developments) -- argued bitterly that the development would ruin forever the wild scenic beauty of the mountain. Unfortunately for them, the rules of the committee (drawn up by CPO Trezize at the committee's inception) stipulate that the vote of the CPO is of equal weight to the combined votes of all the other committee members; and that, in the event of a tie, the CPO has the casting vote. The application was therefore approved.
MAURICE LABALGE'S NEW YEAR PREDICTIONS!
Many of our readers are devoted, in some cases almost addicted, to the guidance of our resident astrologer, Breton savant Maurice Labalge.

They derive great comfort from using his words to peer behind the curtain of the future, so that they can see with clarity what is coming their way. At no other time is their need as great as it is at New Year.

Monsieur Labalge takes great care in casting his horoscopes, never spending less than one full toilet sitting on the construction of his regular contributions.
2008 Predictions!
Aries The stars reveal explosive actions in Uranus next year. This means that during the month of June, you will experience extended discomfort. Apart from that, romantic dalliances are very well-starred -- particularly with Mrs Hollis, if you wish -- and the career shows solid progression, as you are invited to become under-manager at the bacon counter in the Kwop. A good year - rounded and happy, so much so that you almost forget "the little weakness".

Taurus You still have amazing appetites for a woman of your advanced years, but sadly -- and unfairly -- it is difficult for a woman of 91 to find a partner. 2008 will change all that! It is clearly revealed that you will either have the good luck of having a compliant young (22 year old) Marlon Behenna as your carer next year or that you will have the bad luck of passing on. Either way, the problem will be solved!

Gemini Getting a girlfriend was always going to be difficult for you, given the stutter and the foot, but, as the Germans say, ‘for every pot there is a lid’ and when you meet Dorleen Penhaligon, all your problems will be over. Dorleen’s club foot is even bigger than yours and her stutter will make your diction sound like that of the oiliest, smoothest BBC continuity announcer. The meeting will occur in the second week of January, when you are both buying ca-ca-ca-ca-rrots in Tregenza's.

Cancer You have lifestyle challenges. For your own good health, you must lose weight. Cut down on clotted cream -- say, no more than one quarter pound tub per day. Take up step aerobics. You do need to get in shape, since your marriage will fail next April, when your husband, Bill, confesses that he has been carrying on with that skinny bitch tart next door. You will find it easier to find a new partner -- and to move about -- if you can get your weight down to below 30 stone again.

Leo You have always loved music and the present of a tambourine in July will change your life. You will spend over four hours a day practising to get your play up to professional standards. It will be ‘touch and go’ for at least another decade whether you will be able to give up the day job at the quarry to earn a living as a tambourine professional. The stars are as yet silent on this matter, but they do exhort perseverance... Can you get the daily practice hours up to six or seven? Try to learn and play complete well-known pieces such as the Wedding or the Death march. They will not only stand you in good stead in auditions, but you might even get hired to provide the musical backdrop to people’s major life events.

Virgo Never was a star name less appropriate to one born under it. You seem to have no shame as to whom you do it with and as to who knows about it! The horoscope indicates that this year will see you probe even deeper depths of depravity!! Have you thought of living in Hayle, where there are lots of people like you? It is too much for Relubbus -- you are becoming a health risk!

Libra When I think of you, I hear and see tinkling, chuckling sparkles of light cascading from the heavens to shower you with warm light and love. You are indeed a special person. My heart lifts when I enter Morrisons and see you there filling up the fruit and veg section -- I wish I could be a turnip in your hands. The gentle limp in your gait is the price paid to see such otherwise angelic perfection walking the face of this earth

Scorpio You will miss the MOT on the Fiesta in March. Remember that this does invalidate your insurance, so take extra care until September, when the stars reveal that you will get the MOT situation put right. Be supportive to Nigel, as his mother will die in October. Sylvia Clemo will mean more and more to you this year -- could this be the big one?

Sagittarius An extremely localised hurricane event will target your house in August. Everything in it will be flattened. During that month you should move next door to your Mum’s house which will remain completely untouched. Promotion is strongly on the cards in May, so you had better find a job quick!

Capricorn You will pass your piano exam in November, but only after you agree to let the examiner explore you ("upstairs only"!). You come to regret this lapse and report the examiner. He then loses his job, is thrown out by his wife and commits suicide by jumping off the cliff at Land's End -- twice! You learn from this life-shaping event and will go on to become a model librarian.

Aquarius You will continue with your brave experiments in cross-species relations with the local badger sett, but unfortunately both the RSPCA and the police will take a different view of your activities. You will receive a custodial sentence and "Billy Badger" will be dead by the time you get out again.

Pisces Your attempts to replace conversation with your wife by playing an appropriately worded Abba tune will this April, after 5 years, end in tears. The old bag finally decides to leave you and you can move in with Frank and Harry!
IMPORTANT: CHANGES TO OUR PUBLISHING SCHEDULE
From the New Year onwards, we will be publishing articles individually, as they are written, rather than collected in a fortnightly "issue". We hope that this will enable us to:

• Publish articles more frequently
• Make articles more topical
  

So, from January, to ensure that you the see the latest articles as they appear, please check the Roundup site more frequently than once a fortnight -- or subscribe to our RSS feed, which will send you all new articles automatically.

Issue 17, 3rd December 2007

ALIEN LIFE FORM IS CAPTURED IN BOSWEDDEN LANE!
By Science Correspondent Wee Willy MacTodger

Huge excitement is sweeping like a tidal wave through the global scientific community, as Relubbus scientists have revealed that they have "captured" an alien life form -- a veritable green man.

The picture on the left shows the green man being questioned by Professor Pascoe Trevithick and his attractive young lab assistant, Linda Hollow.

The green man has revealed that his name is "Dxyzhyrzhxd", but he would like henceforth to be known as "Ron". "Ron" referred to the far-reaching fame of Relubbus society, which, magnet-like, has drawn thousands of people to come to live within its borders.

He then went on to say that other worlds -- including his, which is called Glxyrrhyzzidotit -- have heard of the flowering of civilisation which is Relubbus. Ron had taken the decision to leave his home planet and come to live in Relubbus as any other ordinary Relubbus citizen.

Ron was found walking down Boswedden Lane early last Sunday morning by PC Derek Hosking, patrolling on his bicycle.

PC Hosking realised that something was not quite right when he observed that "the gentleman" was not walking so much as gliding over the pavement. He called out and approached the figure, whereupon further closer observation revealed that it had no face, just a head. The total absence of a mouth did not prevent "the gentleman" from speaking, as PC Hosking could hear a voice emanating from it, asking to be taken to the Relubbus men of science.

Professor Trevithick (yes, a direct descendent of he of steam engine fame!) and his attractive young lab assistant, Linda Hollow, were quickly roused from their slumbers and began to examine this stranger from the stars.

Ron appeared to be made from green-coloured knitted material. He had no mouth, no ears, no eyes and no nose. Nor did he have any "tackle down below". Despite the obvious absence of this qualifier for the male gender, the Professor respected the stranger’s desire to be known as Ron.

Both Professor Trevithick and Linda were able to confirm Ron’s ability to speak without a mouth as they could quite clearly "hear" his words/thoughts. Further, despite the fact that he was standing immobile, Linda confirmed that Ron was also executing exploratory caresses upon her person -- such that she soon had to absent herself from the laboratory -- which Ron himself cited as a little demonstration that "I aren’t bent!"

His absence of mouth was mirrored by an absence of any orifice anywhere else on his body. However, this did not prevent Ron from emitting an enormously loud and pungent fart, which caused Professor Trevithick to pass out. He was later rescued by assistants, leaving Ron alone -- immobile and quite content -- in the investigation room.

Ron’s request for asylum is being considered by the Greater Relubbus Urban Council’s powerful Foreign Relations Committee. It is expected that they will agree to his request, but that, given his strangeness, he might be restricted to living in either Hayle or Camborne.
MIXED REVIEW FOR LATEST STAGE GEM FROM TREWIN-CHUDDLEWIT!
By Theatre Correspondent Willy Bender
Yesterday, the pulse of theatrical Relubbus beat faster on the occasion of the first night of the latest work of much celebrated, though controversial, Rosudgeon playwright and plumber, Digby Trewin-Chuddlewit. His latest play is a farce entitled Who ate Megan's goose?

As is usual, the playwright himself took the main part -- that of the lead male, Aubrey Tresidder. The three remaining parts were played by (from the left in the picture) Libby Quick (28) of Wendron, playing Agnes Botterill, Gladys Uren (34) of Heamoor, playing Mary Lutey, and Lavinia Cock (31) of Madron, taking the lead female role of Megan Trevanion.

The hallmark of a play by Digby TC, as he likes to be called, is its sheer unpredictability, together with the apparent unconnectedness of the acts and scenes, a feature on which Poliakoff is known to have drawn heavily. However, the thinness -- indeed absence -- of thematic unity did nothing to dilute the enjoyment of the audience, both of whom laughed hysterically right from curtain up.

The play opens with Tresidder sitting on the toilet -- thinking. We -- the audience -- are allowed to hear Tresidder's mental meanderings, which seem to consist solely of his lustful imaginings involving three ladies. With each of these ladies, he engages in easy and comic banter, but I must confess that, for my personal liking, the playwright has relied far too heavily on double entendres. I believe that I counted the response "That's a hard one" 37 times and even after the third repeat (accompanied always by a knowing look at the audience), it began to lose its comic effect and even began to grate on the mind.

The requirement for each of the ladies to slowly disrobe in front of the audience to the soundtrack of "the Stripper' is an ingredient of any play by Digby TC. I don't intend to be "ageist" in any way when I say that this play was, in that respect, a vast improvement on the previous play, in which all the female parts were taken by nonagenarians. The trim young things in this play were a pleasure to watch and I am sure that the DVD featuring these scenes will sell well.

Libby Quick, in particular, deserves a special mention -- not least because she is my neighbour's daughter. Well done, Libby!

The Tresidder monologue -- which lasted one full hour -- seemed to involve the reading out loud of the Relubbus telephone directory, with pithy comments added when the names are known to Tresidder. I am not sure of the legal position here. Digby TC will doubtless say that it was his character, Tresidder, making the various defamatory remarks, but I doubt that this will wash with the great and the good of Relubbus, whose reputations were thoroughly besmirched, to the great amusement of both members of the audience.

Together with the drama critics of The Times and The Nudist Weekly, I was, as this report must surely suggest, a little disappointed with this latest offering from Digby TC. There were highlights in dialogue, in the revealing dances of the trim young things, and in the even more revealing statements Tresidder made about some leading Relubbus figures, but there was also something tired and formulaic about the "predictability" of the unpredictability. Also, we never did find out who ate Megan's goose!

Willy Bender Theatre Correspondent
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OBITUARIES
RELUBBUS SAYS SAD FAREWELL TO "SOSHUL" POLGLAZE
There was hardly a dry eye in the whole of Relubbus as the time came to bid the final farewell to one of the most colourful characters to have graced the streets of the city. Archilaus "Soshul" Polglaze, who was immensely proud never to have done a day’s work in his long life, died last week at the age of 84 and was yesterday laid to rest in the Relubbus National Cemetery.

Pictured on the left sitting in a chair outside his house in his famous "at rest" position, Soshul liked to observe life. Indeed, those with a long memory will probably recall that this fondness for observation got him into some trouble many years ago when he was apprehended up a drainpipe at St Clare’s Girls School, peering into a shower room while "looking for bats".

Although he did no work himself, he was a very public-spirited man and could even bring himself occasionally to watch other people working. Typical of the generous nature of the man, when he did so, he was unstinting in his free flow of advice as to how they could perform their work a little better.

A man who enjoyed a fine state of physical fitness throughout his life, Soshul was extremely reluctant to jeopardise this state of health through undertaking work of any sort. His sole motivation for so doing was to avoid incurring any sort of injury which might possibly make him thereafter a burden on society. It was, in a curious way, his life’s work to avoid work. It was a mission in which he enjoyed the greatest success.
LAST BLAST FOR "POSTIE" LENNIE LUTEY
Yesterday saw the funeral of much-loved Lennie Lutey of Lanyon Quoit, the postman and amateur trumpeter, who passed away last week at the sadly early age of 62.

Lennie was proud of the contribution he made to society as a postman and was responsible for delivering the post from Newbridge to Nancledra for over forty years.

A resident of Lanyon Quoit, he was an enthusiastic member of the now thriving local silver band, which he founded some 35 years ago.

Together with his partner Eric, Lennie was a very keen keeper and breeder of budgerigars. The pair also built up an impressive model railway track, which included a stretch that came out through the front wall of their bungalow and round the garden -- a feature which proved very popular with all the young lads in the village.

Lennie was never caught and arrested for any misdemeanour whatever. He will be sadly missed by all those whose post he delivered for so many years, as well as by the members of the silver band. A memorial concert is being held for him at Lanyon Quoit village hall next Thursday evening at 7.30 pm.
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CHRISTMAS IN RELUBBUS
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• Free drink (non-alcoholic) on arrival
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• Tea and coffee-making facilities (extra) in some luxury suites *
• Nightly entertainment by Jasper Bodinnick & his Trencrom Mountain Boys
• Atlantic glimpses from some bathrooms **
• Tinsel tree in every room
• Chocolate pirana for every child
• Arrive December 1st; depart December 4th

* Not available 1st - 4th December
** By standing on toilet
MAURICE LA BALGE, BRETON MYSTIC, FORETELLS ALL!

He can read your future as well as you can know your past;
His awesome powers of vision will surely leave you quite aghast:
For none is such a master of the arcane divining arts --
And none has power to release such devastating farts!

Aries You are feeling on top of the world this week. Enjoy it -- it won't last! The police will be coming to arrest you next Tuesday. You will be charged, will not get bail, will receive a prison sentence and, as far as I am concerned, they can throw away the key. It was disgusting -- and how can a duck "lead you on"?

Taurus You will have a chance encounter with a stranger in the Kwop next week. It will lead to wonderful things and you will have his baby. The roof needs attention.

Gemini You have been feeling uneasy for a few days now. Stand up for yourself and do not allow yourself to be led into doing things that you are uncomfortable with. A ginger cat will cross your path on Thursday or Friday. If it is on the Friday, you will have a big lottery win.

Cancer Your insurance claim will be unsuccessful. Keep trying, it will work one of these days. Your 101 year old mother is very ill. I predict that she will not be with us for much longer. Treasure her company.

Leo Wendy makes you feel like the woman you always dreamed of becoming. Next month the operation will take place and it is likely to go well. You should now shave off the beard.

Virgo Your mother is right... he was a basatrd and, though he may have been your first boyfriend, he will not be the last -- there are other fish in the sea. However, now you must concentrate on your GCSEs. Next month you will have confirmation that you are carrying the bastard's child.

Libra You are living life at a helter-skelter pace! Slow down! Take things easy. You will not lose your job. Your health will be good. Yes, your sister will die, but that will only secretly make you happy -- your father's inheritance will now come only to you. However, beware! He will be swept off his feet by a gay milkman, to whom he will want to leave all his money. Killing the gay lover "accidentally" is the only way out.

Scorpio You will be the school's conker champion! Great news, but even better, Linda Penhaligon will let you have a feel "upstairs". Try to avoid a trouser accident while you are exploring Linda's upstairs or you will get hell from your mother. You won't be picked for the school football team next week, but hang in there -- next year you're in!

Sagittarius On Wednesday, leave the house at 7.30 am precisely and walk towards the town clock. In front of the First and Last Inn, you will "bump into" someone who will change your life. There is a path for everyone in this world and, for you, it is the path of lesbianism -- enjoy!

Capricorn The bell tolls for someone -- again -- but it does not toll for you. You have years to go yet. You will next week develop the first symptoms of the bladder problem that will be your constant companion until your death in 14 years time. It would suit you to have a budgie or even a parrot.

Aquarius Sell your house -- realise all your assets -- move to Tasmania! That is where the pages of destiny next turn positively for you. If you remain, loss of wealth, health and reputation is foretold for you. You will be reduced to selling your body outside the Swordfish Inn -- but I for one would not be prepared to pay! Be gone! Flee!

Pisces Pleasant Christmas thoughts are beginning to flood your mind. Your kindly soul turns to preparations to make this a Christmas the children will warmly remember for ever more. However, imprisoned as you are for your misdemeanours as scout leader, you will find it difficult to implement these warm thoughts. The appeal will be unsuccessful -- this time...
'He Roundup -- he visit 'he Spanish Embassy
One of the jolliest ambassadors to the Court of St Piran (the formal name bestowed on the diplomatic community within Relubbus) is without doubt his Excellency Don Javier Pedro de Hacienda y del Cuarto de Caballeros, the Spanish Ambassador. "Don", as he likes to be known, is a scion of one of the most ancient and noble families in Spain and is nothing if not a little eccentric.

"Don" has become a familiar sight in the Boswedden Lane diplomatic district, as he sits in his wooden go-cart, which is drawn at breakneck speed by 73 tame squirrels through the streets of Relubbus.

His eccentricity extends to other matters as well. A keen swimmer, he has been an impassioned supporter of the new sport of underwater billiards (without the use of SCUBA equipment!). Incidentally, whilst playing billiards in this manner, he has managed to achieve a record in underwater gas release (as measured by the size and explosive flammability of the bubble reaching the surface) -- a feat he attributes to his diet of homemade paella.

He is pictured on the left, striking the tambourine he always carries with him and with which he punctuates his every word. On high days and holidays, he replaces the tambourine with castanets.

Don has made a strenuous attempt to understand Cornish culture and the way of life. He spends two days a week working at Warrens Bakery in St Just in order to assimilate the Cornish way. He is involved in a secret project there to develop a paella pasty, which will then be launched in Spain.

Despite his noble birth and privileged background, Don has not been very successful academically, having achieved no qualifications whatever in his native land. Now, he is taking full advantage of his stay in Relubbus to try to rectify all that by attending a course at Camborne Tech, where he hopes to achieve an HND in Technical Drawing and Woodwork.

Don is also an enthusiastic member of the 500 strong Goldsithney Mouthorgan ensemble, which meets every Thursday evening in the Scout hut for rehearsals.

Don is not only a keen participant in Cornish life, he also likes to contribute to it. Using the 300 falcons he has brought with him from Spain, he has founded the Relubbus School of Falconry, which has already attracted two students, Bert and Brenda Polkinghorne.

Although he did have a gay phase whilst trying to become an artist back in Barcelona, Don is insistent that his heart (and indeed any other parts) were not really in it and that he has been happily married to Juanita, "who she is expert in making paella!", for 17 years.

Before we knew it, out time (a whole afternoon) had quickly passed and it was time to leave the embassy and its fascinating inhabitant.

For those with official business, the Spanish Embassy is situated at No 365 Boswedden Lane and is open from 9.00 am till 2.30. After a siesta of 4 hours, it re-opens in the evening and closes at 9.30 pm.
Lonely Hearts -- they need love too

They yearn for someone - just like you.
If your heart’s desire is here today
Then write in fast -- without delay!

Ladies -- meet Keith Trevarnon! He's 47 and is a man with a difference. Ever since a brain injury as a little child, Keith’s language has been restricted to two phrases, which he adroitly stretches to cover all situations. The magic phrases are "Me do peepee now!" and "Are we there yet?" You might think that these linguistic restrictions would have put a brake on Keith’s life, but not a bit of it! He has managed a PhD in psychology and now works as a psychotherapist.

Keith has a 6-bedroom detached house in Goldsithney (no mortgage) and drives both a Porsche and a Volvo Estate. A flamboyant dresser, he is looking for a woman who can match his sense of style and who has achieved a similar degree of success in professional life. A classical music lover, Keith has the Botheras triangle version of all Wagner’s works and would like a woman who will share this love of his. A pipe-smoker himself, he would prefer a woman who does not smoke. Keith is adamant that no scrubbers need apply. Box 4571




Derek Bolitho (36) is a gas fitter from Pendeen. He is Keith Trevarnon's cousin and (as the observant reader will note!) shares Keith's taste for flamboyant dress, but that’s as far as the comparison goes.

Derek has two failed marriages behind him, both of which foundered as a result of his being found "interfering with" with nearby farmyard animals. This aberration has been attributed to his growing up in the countryside in close proximity with farm animals, "which everyone duh find cute, you gotta admit it!"). Ladies will be pleased to note that Derek is convinced that he is over this little weakness now. He is now looking for a cute little lady (he says "no fat tarts") with whom to share the rest of his life. Box 5993



Gwen Bosallow is a 26 year old "working girl" from Tregeseal. The President of the Penwith Prostitutes Collective, she is an assiduous campaigner for the rights of sex workers. It is estimated that there are some 500 working girls in Tregeseal alone. Not liking to bring her work home, Gwen actually works in the square in St Just, taking clients either to Playing Place (by night) or Cot Valley by day.

Gwen is a Sunday School teacher and is an active member of the St Just artists’ circle. Gwen wants a traditional a S'nooster (St Just man) who will be broadminded about her line of work. Box 4321

Loveday Jelbert (22) works in the fruit section of smart, upmarket fruiterer's, Tregenza's, in the Greenmarket, Penzance. She lives with her parents in the sought-after King’s Road area of Penzance. Her mother and father would like her to meet a nice young solicitor or accountant. Escorted to work each morning by her mother and collected in the evening by her father, Loveday has led a very quiet sheltered life, as she has never been allowed out before. Her mother, Alicia, will be accompanying her on all or any dates up to and including the honeymoon, when she will also be joined by her husband, Horton.

Loveday has no interests and has not yet been potty-trained or learned to speak. She is, however, loaded, so men -- do not hang about! Box 5639



Wenzil Tuckbottom (24) is an inventive young man, who is seeking to apply the principles of ballet and mime to every minute of his working day. He has launched his own building and decorating business, called Building Beauty with Flourish, which is seeking to blend gracious movement with utilitarian function. Accordingly his building jobs may cost a little more, but they are performed with beauty (or will be when he gets hired).

Wenzil is looking for a partner -- both in his business and in his life -- to help him in his quest for beauteous life and work. He has designed daily costumes for himself and his partner-to-be -- as modelled by himself in the picture on the left.

Wenzil has not laid down any criteria for his partner-to-be to conform to, merely stating that the right people will apply when they see this advert. ("When he sees this, he’ll know it's for him!") If that is you, then Box 4529 is the one to write to. Wenzil is waiting.



IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• SPECIAL CHRISTMAS EDITION!

• A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL -- FROM THE CHILDREN OF RELUBBUS

• WHO PAID FOR SPARGO'S MADEIRAN LOVE-NEST?

• CHRISTMAS WEATHER FORECAST FOR RELUBBUS

• Getting to know Relubbus -- Why is Boswedden Lane so named?
  

• RELUBBUS CENTRAL BANK ACTS TO QUELL PANIC

• Our socially-responsible Lonely Hearts section

• And much, much more!

Issue 13, 8th October 2007

PRESS SCANDAL AS LUDGVAN MAN DIES OF SHOCK AFTER LOTTERY WIN

The whole of Ludgvan was plunged into mourning when it was revealed that 77-year-old Charlie Jacka had passed away with shock at discovering that he had scooped £9,000,000 on the Relubbus National Lottery.

Charlie's mates, Tim Blewett (67) on the left and Dickie Angwin (71) on the right, had called in the Roundup photographers to capture the moment, which should have been one of the happiest in Charlie’s life. Charlie, an agricultural labourer, had been telling everyone for years that he was due a big win. "I probberly paid in about £700 ovver the years and I can feel, in my bones, a big win comin' my way!"

Tim had checked Charlie’s ticket for him, as he did every week in view of Charlie’s extremely delicate heart condition. He saw that Charlie had hit the jackpot with his favourite numbers (1,2,3,4,5,6) and thought that the moment of revelation should be captured on camera for the Roundup. According to the little-read Relubbus Gazette (a shabby publication of no merit somehow mysteriously chosen by the Lottery for publication of winning numbers and payouts) Charlie’s numbers had come up and he was due the sum of £9,000,000.

As our picture reveals, Charlie’s heart gave out at the moment he heard the incredible news. Both Tim and Dickie were beside themselves with grief. Since Charlie had no family whatever and they were his best friends, they overcame their grief sufficiently to immediately scramble to the telephone to find out who would get the money.

It was then that the sad, but in our view wholly plausible, matter of the Relubbus Gazette misprint came to light. Winnings that week were, in fact, only £900 and not £9,000,000. Agnes Trevorrow, the scatty editor of that travesty of a newspaper, the Relubbus Gazette, had to admit that "we bin ‘avin problems with the zero button recently and it duh git stuck. You kent check everythin’!"

The £900 were later claimed by Liza Tonkin (48), self-styled "male agitation relief practitioner", who presented IOUs to the value of £1,570 given to her by Charlie. "Ee was poor, but 'ee was a proper gennlemun an sum ansum too! "

Readers are invited to encourage friends and family to spread this story abroad so that unfortunate readers of the Gazette may take note and switch their allegiance to the Roundup, a magazine of the highest probity and journalistic standards.
LEN AND LILY AT IT AGAIN!
Bert ("Len") Harvey, the "resting" actor from Towednack, and his partner-in-crime Lily Nichols, the ex bag-lady from Perranuthnoe, have been at it again! Pictured here at a Highland Games in Fort William, it seems that their deception of the Scottish press has been as successful as that of the English. It is amazing to the Roundup that to date apparently no-one outside Kernow has seen through their act as the bogus aristocrats the "Duke and Duchess of Cornwall".

Always supportive of local talent that succeeds on a wider stage, the Roundup congratulates them on their consummate professionalism. Notice how Len conveys perfectly the picture of hereditary torpidity and incipient, drink-fuelled, gout, while Lily smiles in silent admiration.


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INTERNATIONAL BANK HQ RELOCATES TO RELUBBUS
The Midland banking empire has relocated its international headquarters from Shanghai to a prestige site in Boswedden Lane, Relubbus. Following a year-long architectural competition to which leading architects from every continent submitted designs, the eventual winner was a 1930s "retro"-style design by local Relubbus architect William Spargo Jnr. Announcing the decision, chairman of the judges Councillor Billy Spargo said: "Us all thought this 'un wuz a proper job."

The huge new building, shown left, took two years to build, using local granite and imported Italian white marble.

The vastness of the interior is hinted at in the picture on the right, which shows one part of the ground floor banking hall.

Speaking at the opening of the new international headquarters, Midland CEO Sir Basil Bin Laden-Ramprakash said:
"We were in no doubt we had to come to Relubbus. It is simply the place to be these days. Nowhere else in the world has such a dynamic, expanding economy, combined with a cheap and plentiful labour supply with no union representation.

Although the price of land here is higher than in Manhattan, it has to be worth it. The Relubbus mega-capitalists R.C. Oates and W.G. Trevaskis have shown what is possible here."
X FACTOR X A KNOCKOUT SUCCESS!
By our Arts Correspondent

The Relubbus Panopticon Theatre at the end of Boswedden Lane is once again the setting for the enormously popular X Factor X, brainchild of the mega-multi-billionnaire Relubbus impressario (and only part-time chiropodist), Columbus Clemo, pictured left, for whose job Simon Cowell was an unsuccessful candidate.

For anyone unfamiliar (how could they be!) with the order of play, X Factor X is a process to find the top West Penwith entertainment act of the year. The event runs from the beginning of the autumn right up until Christmas and features -- every night -- different acts from all over the region, vying with one another to be elected winners of this prestigious competition. The Panopticon theatre is packed out to its full capacity of 11 people every night, each of whom gets to cast their vote for the night’s winner. There is also a winner of the week, of the month, and so on, until at Christmas the agony for the finalists is ended with the selection of the winner and the award of fabulous prizes.

Last year’s winner, Willy Curnow (37), found his life transformed by "the big win". Willy stormed through the whole contest to universal acclaim with his farting ventriloquists’s dummy, "Windy" (4), who had crowds falling off their seats with uncontrollable spasms of laughter. The devilishly clever dialogue [ "Ave you jes’ farted again?" "Course, I bleddy ‘ave, d’you think I duh always smell like gis?"] and the fact that you could hardly see his lips move at all, even when he was speaking, all added to the magical mix that made Curnow outright winner and darling of the audience.

Before the win, Curnow was just a milkman for the Kwop. After "the big win", he received: a week’s free travel on any Western National bus passing between Relubbus and Penzance; a record contract with Marshal James Records of Penzance (entitling him to one free record -- of Watling Jones singing "How great is the Lord!"); free groceries for a day at R. C. Oates' Superstore in Relubbus (up to a value of £4.35); one half-price Jelberts' ice cream; one free "go" on the mini-golf on Penzance Prom (before 7.30 am and on a Monday, or at anytime when it is raining). Showered with these life-changing gifts, Willy did not know where to turn. He has yet to "cash in" his gifts and, being a modest man, has kept on his job at the Kwop. "I aren’t gunna let fame go to my ‘ead", he declared defiantly.

This year’s competitors are spurred on by the sight of Willy’s stunning success and the lavish gifts he has received. They are now re-doubling their furious efforts to win the coveted X Factor X prize.

This year’s hopefuls include an unbelievable crop of West Cornish talent with 7,500 entries, including 112 from Tremethick Cross alone. The Roundup’s entertainment spotter, Daisy Penalverne, has been checking out all the talent and now presents for our readership the hot favourites for X Factor X in 2007.

"Smeggie" Trevarthen (52) is a meter reader for the South Western Electricity Board (SWEB) but he is hoping to hit it big time as a comic on the West Cornish stand-up circuit and in X Factor X. A somewhat ponderous man, ill-at-ease with his own frame, he shifts uncomfortably from foot to foot as he builds up to telling his joke (there is just the one at the moment). The silent build-up phase does create a tension -- both within the audience as well as within "Smeggie’s" trousers, as those standing near him can smell. Then the joke comes and there is always a furious outbreak of laughter, largely and predictably from Smeggie’s mother, Rebecca Trevarthen (86), who is on special release from her secure home for the confused whenever he gives a performance. His joke may well be lost on those unfamiliar with the pre-decimal age -- "What did the electricity meter say to the shilling? ‘Glad you popped in, Bob, I was just going out!’"

Jethro "Look no hands" Polwhele, (26) is a speciality act. He "lifts" things without using his hands. Decency prevents us from showing the full picture here, but Daisy assures us that Jethro is "lifting" one and a half kilos in this picture. Whilst this act is very popular with certain audience members (particularly Rebecca Trevarthen (86), Smeggie’s mum) it will clearly not lend itself to television and nor is it suitable for anyone under the age of 18. Jethro is, however, hopeful of winning the coveted prize and being able to give up the day job at Holman’s Dry Dock in Penzance.

"The Three Graces", the arse yodelling trio based in Tregeseal, near St Just, have a repertoire of 81 songs -- all played through the ‘rear mouth’, but distinctly recognisable. In the picture on the left --from the left, Gwenvor Tregear (31) from Sennen, and "Trombone " Trezise (45) from Madron are both currently ‘out of wind’, but as his cheeky picture reveals, Dougie Penrose (27) on the right and from Tregeseal in St Just, is blasting out "Camborne ‘Ill" in this very photograph. Some of their ‘arse songs’ are their own compositions and this evidence of their originality is reckoned to be their strongest trump in their play to win the coveted crown of X Factor X in 2007.

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Quentin Blodsmith, Harley Street Hypnotist will be in Relubbus for one week only!

Enigmatic mystery man,
Plucking mindstrings, as he can,
Soothes your troubles, calms your mind
As long as you a fiver find!

The toast of London's glitterati, the suave, masterly harpist of the sundry strings of the mind, has returned to his native Cornwall to practise his arts for one week only.

Always wearing a cunning disguise, he will never give out his real name, nor reveal anything about his origins, except that he grew up on Treneere Estate (NOT, he insists, in Colinsey Road!!) in Penzance.

What is undeniable is that, through the practice of his mysterious arts, he has enabled hundreds of clients to conquer their fears, to realise their innermost ambitions, to find peace for their troubled souls, to receive the grace and balm of his cooling, soothing charm -- and -- all this -- in just five minutes -- for a fiver.

Quentin Blodsmith (his professional name) will be practising all next week in Relubbus. So do not miss this opportunity! He will be setting up his tent in Farmer Penberthy’s lower field. It is a five-man tent, so that he can handle groups, if necessary.

His hypnotic arts have been found to be highly efficacious in an astounding range of ailments and afflictions. We mention here just a few conditions that he has successfully treated: hiccups; runny nose and sore throat; stomach pains; athlete’s foot; flatulence; unwanted pregnancy; breast enlargement or reduction; penis enlargement or super-enlargement; one-leggedness; senility; trans-gender problems; sleeplessness; short-sightedness; hearing difficulties; and giving up smoking.

For five minutes that can change your life, all you need pay is £5 -- cash only!

You know it makes sense!!
SCIENCE NEWS
Professor D B Penhaligon unveils the "future of humanity" in results of Genetic Project
Rumours of a forthcoming shock announcement drew the entire Relubbus press corps to the weekly press conference at the internationally renowned Relubbus Institute of Genetic Research and Proper Job Science.

Soft muttering punctuated the hushed silence which pervaded the back room of the Boskenna Arms hotel, while the five members of the press pack awaited the arrival of the highly controversial but brilliant Professor Penhaligon.

Then a door opened and the Professor entered the room, carrying a small figure with him, which, with delicate gentility, he placed upon a table before us. "Behold, gentlemen of the press, I give you Loveday -- the future of humanity. "Our planet is dying because of the activities of mankind. Man has caused the huge increase in greenhouse gases, which have disturbed the balance on which all life depends. Every single activity of our rapidly multiplying population leads to yet further growth in the output of greenhouse gases. "Only radical solutions can help us, but the flabby politicians of our world are too timorous to advance proposals which will assuredly put an end to the pent-up horrors of climate change. "I can now present to you the only solution -- Loveday. She is created from environmentally-friendly materials. She does not eat and does not excrete or create smells. She is, I am sure you will agree, comely and pleasing to the eye.

"I have transferred to her all the knowledge I have accumulated and she contains living organisms, which will enable her to develop her own experiences and to have instant recall of them. She will not expire for at least five hundred years and she will be capable of reproducing herself.

"She has little or no negative environmental impact -- does not need a house, a car, a plane trip, or any of the other things we seem to need that are so damaging to our planet. It is my proposal that the consciousness of every human should be transferred to a being like Loveday. I will now take your questions."
The stunned audience took a while to recover from this series of shattering announcements. All the while, all eyes were fixed upon the little figure standing on the table, still supported by Professor Penhaligon’s hand.

A voice called out, "Can’t she stand up by herself?" Clearly rattled by this implicit criticism, Penhaligon replied that there was still a little work to be done on Loveday’s motive powers.

The next question followed "Can’t she speak for herself, then?" Now obviously exasperated by such obsession with details, Penhaligon rounded angrily on the questioner, "You try making vocal chords out of cobwebs and see how far you get, you smug git!"

An embarassed silence fell upon the people in the room and eyes stared yet harder at the little figure on the table, whose only movement -- a waving hand -- seemed to be caused by Professor Penhaligon’s own hand, agitating the little straw-filled arm.

One question hung in the room along with the silence and it took only a few moments before one brave man plucked that question out of the air and gave it voice. "If she can’t talk yet, how do you know that she knows all that you say that she does?"

Penhaligon stood there, visibly weighed down by the awful loneliness of true greatness, striving to find some way of bridging the huge gulf that lay between his own boundless insight and the questioner’s shallow perceptions. Absent-mindedly, he twitched Loveday’s arm to and fro in a growing frenzy until the little arm came away in his hand and the little straw-filled body toppled over on to the floor, spilling its contents. "Now look what you’ve made me do! I’ll have to start all over again now!"

As he set about gathering up the pieces of his dream that was Loveday, totally absorbed, the press pack silently withdrew.
THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE GREEK EMBASSY
The Roundup was delighted to receive an invitation to visit the Greek Embassy in Relubbus as guests of His Excellency Aristo Hippodopoulos (32) and his two charming sisters Cynthia (29, on the left) and Bill (28, on the right).

The three of them run the extremely busy Greek Embassy which, for reasons of economy, is housed in the back rooms of the Mecca Bingo Hall situated in Trelissick Lane, Relubbus.

Aristo was a garage mechanic before taking up diplomacy as a career and, whilst he has no regrets about his significant career change, enjoys spending his spare time helping out at Trelawney’s Garage in Hayle. His sisters are both hairdressers by training, Cynthia specialising in women’s coiffure and Bill focussing on haircuts for men and for women wishing to look like men.

The Relubbus Greek embassy has a particular focus on developing economic ties between the Greek Republic and Greater Relubbus. As Aristo succinctly puts it, "Greece is fine land of olives, wine, halloumi cheese -- all are things which blend it well with fine Cornish cream, saffron cake and pasties. Importantly, Greece is seen as the cradle of civilisation, but many know that this dates from times when ancient seafarers visited Cassiterides (Relubbus) and when they make great cultural borrowings from ancient Relubbus.
"Aristophanes’ plays are all translations from works of great Relubbus playwright, An Scryfer, who wrote delectable pieces of cleverly scripted humour.
"Little known also is that Sappho first learnt her poetry and advanced lesbianism from Joyce, a Cornish practitioner of both arts in second century BC. So our aim is not so much in forging new links between our two great states, but in renewing the most ancient links between our peoples."

We understand that negotiations between the Relubbus mega-capitalist, R.C. Oates, and the Greek state are well advanced in the proposal to open an Oates Superstore in downtown Athens. Female staff from Lesbos, all well-versed in Aristophanean humour, will sell Cornish and Greek ditties, fine foods and farm produce.

Two tables and four chairs will also allow the opportunity of providing a café for customers to rest and watch the world go by. Bill will, in fact, be the first manageress of the store and is here in Relubbus to "soak up" the culture so that she can be an effective advocate of it back in Athens.
Lonely Hearts -- they need love too!

They yearn for someone - just like you.
If your heart’s desire is here today
Then write in fast -- without delay!

Sid Trevithick (46) lives in his own caravan, currently parked in St Buryan. Sid is an agricultural specialist, who makes a good living by "stimulating" reluctant male farm animals to do their bit in breeding. As his work takes him all over Cornwall, he finds living in a caravan most practical. Sadly, it also means that he is never in any place long enough to form a relationship with a young lady. The years are ticking by and he doesn’t want to forego the pleasures of fatherhood. He can offer a well-appointed caravan with its own chemical toilet, wash handbasin and one large picture window.

Sid is a member of the extreme Methodist fundamentalist group -- the Gwennap Golems (hence the haircut). He is opposed to drinking, dancing, gambling and other "work of the devil". His wife must be chaste, definitely of the Golem persuasion and have taken the oath of perpetual silence. As Sid is illiterate, his wife must be good with signing, so that she can talk to him, when he wants her to. Box 4932 is the key to a life of love with this special man.

Rowena Pascoe (36) will be well-known to patrons of the Goldsithney Health Club (Men Only) under her professional name of Miss Zdenka Kazymish, but she advertises here under her real name. Having worked for many years helping men with erectile dysfunction, using a unique therapy developed by herself and now known throughout Goldsithney as the "Bunsen Burner Special", Rowena wishes to have a special relationship with a man that operates on the spiritual, intellectual, as well as the merely physical plane. Suitors will need to be broad-minded as she wishes to continue in her chosen career.

Rowena assures one and all that she is completely broadminded. She is keen on social engagement and is this year’s chair of the Marazion branch of the nude bee-keeping club. Honest to the core, she believes that all suitors should also know that until the age of 21 she lived as a man, Ronald Pascoe. Post-operatively, she left Helston to seek a fresh start in Goldsithney. Box 5671



Rumah Aribanga (32) is a disappointed man. Lured to the busy downtown business district of Relubbus by an advert placed by Tredinnick and Leddinnick Human Resources for an experienced headhunter, he made the long journey from Borneo to discover that, sadly, headhunting has a different meaning here. He is now working as a ladies’ hairdresser in Newlyn and trying to earn enough money for the return journey, though his first wages will be spent on acquiring some Western clothes.

During his stay in this country, Rumah would like to meet -- and move in with -- a Cornishwoman. Age and looks are immaterial to Rumah. His desired lady partner should have a house of her own, as he is quite keen to move in. He is currently living at the Newlyn Bridge bus stop. Box 4922 is the one for ladies who would like Rumah to become part of their lives.





Violet Trembath (62) is a cowherd from St Agnes. She has spent all her spare time during her working life building up a now failed cheese business. "Stench", an unpasteurised cheese, was sadly an acquired taste that no-one acquired. The whiff of the strong smelling cheese was greatly enhanced by her own personal hygiene practices and further assisted by her wrapping her cheeses in socks she had worn for several weeks at a time. The cheese didn’t catch on and -- game girl that she is -- Violet is now looking for a man. "I’ve done workin 24/7 and now I’m lookin’ for a man for a bitta play in my later years!" Box 2457



Pascoe Penhaligon (PP) (32) is a Public Convenience Maintenance Specialist by day (working mainly in the Penzance area) and a practising masochist by night. Educated to GCSE level (Media Studies -- failed, but only just), he has turned his back on the academic world and is single-mindedly focussed on his career.

PP came third in the Zennor all-comers speed pasty-eating competition in 2002 and is a keen follower of Penzance Magpies, for whose third team he has been trialling for the past fourteen years. He has "watched" ladies all his life and now would like to get closer to one. Living in a beach hut in Sennen, he would prefer his lady love to come from there so that he doesn’t have to catch the bus. Box 4529

YOUR STARS

with Breton mystic Maurice Labalge

He’s the mystic they all think terrific

Because his predictions are completely specific!

I do have to explain my long absence, which has been occasioned by an entirely unforeseen accident involving myself, a car, a ladder, a young lady friend, a vacuum cleaner, surgical gloves, a bottle of baby oil and a goat. I can offer no more detailed explanation than this, other than that the goat is now eating normally and is not believed to be psychologically damaged, the young lady has left me and I won’t be doing that again. My predictions are, as ever, shit hot. Readers, stay with me!

Aries This month signifies great change. Those of you married to a person called Doris will be plunged into despair over the size of her nose. But do not despair, gay love beckons! You will find this to your taste. All others under this sign will, within 3 months, receive a Birmingham hip resurfacing operation, which will put a new skip into your step.

Taurus You did not do as well as expected in your GCSEs. That C in Media Studies was a bit of a blow. But do not despair, I see opportunities for you to sell yourself on the streets and make big money.

Gemini Your mother is either dead, or soon about to be. Do not cry. She has had a good life and also had a lover you knew nothing about, who brought her great joy. Do not forget that your television licence is about to expire!

Cancer You know that something is missing from your life, but you cannot identify the missing factor. I can tell you that you will find great fulfilment from cross dressing, horse riding, or Sudoku. There are millions under this sign. I cannot give YOU the exact prescription, but one of these three things is the key to unlock the next stage of your life.

Leo You are unhappy. There we are! Homosexuality is not for everyone. There are other things in life, so get over it! In 200 years, you will be dead and not remembered even by an ant crawling over the ground in front of you. Avoid ladders!

Virgo Remove the stolen underwear from your drawer or you will be discovered and bring great shame on yourself. Better still, return it to its owner, Mrs Hollis of 21 Angwin Close, Penalverne Estate and tell her that you simply found it amongst the carrots at Tesco’s. She might leave her husband for you.

Libra Go to Penzance Library next Tuesday morning and look out for a woman wearing a pink dress and sporting what appear to be knickers on her head. This woman is your soulmate -- even if you yourself are a woman. Declare your love for her, explaining that your name is Leslie. The stars predict a lifetime of happiness for those united in this way.

Scorpio Tregenza’s in Penzance employ a number of people. One of these is a young woman, whose name is Shirley Behenna. She went to school, with a boy called Tom, who had a pet mouse called "Wilfie". Wilfie got eaten by a cat 14 years ago. That cat is still alive. It is the spiritual essence of Henry VIII. You must form a relationship with that cat -- sexual if possible (but not essential, there might be a queue of you under this sign waiting) and you will be led into a state of revelation, which will benefit you greatly.

Sagittarius You have spent your life adoring Billy Spargo, the great Relubbus politician, who is now shacked up with Mrs Sarkozy. You are distraught -- naturally. However, I can tell you that great things await you with someone else. However, this will not occur for another 50 years. This is probably bad news if you are over 30, but we can’t have all the luck! If you are under 30, spend the next 50 years going around with a big smile on your face!
Capricorn Little is forecast for this sign for the next two years. You are treading water -- filling in time. Do not worry -- if life was always at a high, how would you know how high you were? So you wait and, in three years time, you will receive a huge lottery win (even if you do not play!). Also, you will then mature sexually and enjoy life! You will have a fantastic job (probably in Spiegelhalter’s in Causewayhead, Penzance) and at least 12 children.

Aquarius Your husband, Derrick, has been depressed over the past month and this has been getting you down. He has lost his job at Holman’s and seems sunk in a trough of despair. Well, now the time has come to ditch him! He is a loser! Find a new husband now or fill in time by becoming a prostitute or by working at Morrison’s. One of these routes will lead you to your new man (even if you are a man!).

Pisces You know it and I know it! The front bedroom needs to be re-painted and putting it off is no satisfactory answer. You also need to change the oil in the car (even if you do not have one!). Linda, your wife, has been out of sorts recently and you need to cheer her up. Take her out! Go to the Ritz Bingo and then take her off to Harold Jewel’s fish and chip shop. After that, call in at the Swordfish and I will give you more advice personally. Nothing is too difficult to deal with!

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• EXCLUSIVE: RELUBBUS TO JOIN NUCLEAR CLUB

• RELUBBUS HAS "PASTY BOMB"

• CELEBRITY NEWS: Spotlight on Richard Head -- the man even other designers like to talk about!

• RELUBBUS BALLET PROPER -- ANOTHER SUCCESS!

• SUDDEN DEATH OF RENOWNED RELUBBUS SCIENTIST

• THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE AUSTRALIAN EMBASSY

• Our socially-responsible LONELY HEARTS section

• YOUR STARS, with Breton mystic Maurice LaBalge
  

• And much, much more!