By Sports Correspondent Rendell Janner
Chinese Olympic officials were incensed today after their much-vaunted security system was breached by protesters for the third time in as many days. And this time, to their huge embarrassment, the protest took place at the Olympic opening ceremony itself, while the eyes of the world were turned on Beijing!
This time, the protesters were three members of the Perranaworthal Rock Interface Climbing and Caving Club (PRICCC). While leader Jez Trebilcock and his girlfriend "Bosoms" Bodinnar staged a diversionary sit-down protest on the forecourt of the "Bird's Nest" stadium, accomplice Buzz "The Fly" Jago swiftly scaled one of the huge street lights just outside the stadium.
Once aloft, "The Fly" unfurled a banner, which read: "ONE WORLD, ONE DREAM, FREE KERNOW". The first two phrases are the Olympic motto. The third is a reference to the struggle of the Cornish people to free themselves from the oppressive yoke of the English state.
As soon as the banner was unfurled, it was noticed by the crowd inside the stadium, creating great excitement. Soon attention had shifted from the Opening Ceremony to the lone protester.
While aloft, Buzz Jago gave an interview to a Canadian journalist which was broadcast around the world. In it, he said:
"The situation in Kernow is remarkably similar to that in Tibet. The distinctive cultures of both countries are being deliberately suppressed by a powerful neighbour. (If you doubt this in regard to Kernow, look no further than the actions of English Heritage.)
"In both Kernow and Tibet, the indigenous population is being turned into an underclass by means of state policies that encourage mass immigration and economic dependency."
Before being led away by Chinese security men, Mr Jago promised that more pro-freedom demonstrations, from both Kernewek and Tibetan activists, would follow.
PROTEST AT OLYMPIC OPENING CEREMONY
LILY LOOKALIKE SPOTTED IN MARAZION
The mystery lady who bears a remarkable resemblance to Lily Nichols, the con-artist and ex-bag lady from Perranuthnoe, has been sighted again, this time in Marazion. Previous sightings have been in Morrison's, the KWOP, and Lidl's in Penzance. She has also been seen loitering outside the flagship RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus.
This time, the mystery woman seemed to think that she had been invited to start the Trevaskis Challenge Round the World Raft Race (jointly sponsored by W.G. Trevaskis and English Heritage). Luckily, ace Roundup photographer "Snapper" Kelynack was in Marazion to cover the start of the race, and took the picture on the left.
Meanwhile, Lily Nichols herself, who makes a very comfortable living out of convincing the English media that she is an aristocrat (the mythical Duchess of Cornwall) is said to be furious at the antics of the interloper, whom she sees as trying to cash in on her territory.
"'Oo duh she think she is?" Lily complained yesterday. "Lollopin' aroun' like a git muppet, askin' people "How do you do?" an' "What do you do?" in thet bleddy silly voice?!"
CAMILLA PRESENTS CULTURAL VANDALISM AWARDS
Lily Nichols, the ex-bag lady from Perranuthnoe, reprised her familiar role of the mythical English aristocrat, the soi-disant "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall", on Wednesday, when she presented the annual National Cultural Vandalism Awards, sponsored by the Department of the Environment and English Heritage. (It's amazing to us that the English press haven't cottoned on to Lily yet. They still seem to believe that "the Duchess of Cornwall" is a real person! Ed.)
Presenting the awards at English Heritage's South Western headquarters in Bristol yesterday, "Camilla" announced the winner of the prestigious "Vandal of the Year" award to be none other than -- English Heritage!
In her speech, the "Duchess" praised EH for its "crass ignorance and arrogance in ignoring the depth of resentment in Cornwall about Cornish Celtic and pre-Celtic sites being administered by an unelected body calling itself "English Heritage", under a banner based on the red-and-white flag of England".
It was to honour just such insensitivity that the National Cultural Vandalism awards had been instigated, she said.
The award itself is a headdress in the form of a Christian halo, and the awards ceremony involves the presenter removing the halo from her own head and placing it on the head of the recipient. Lily is shown above, wearing the award before the ceremony.
In response to the award, EH South West's Chief Administrative Officer, Mr Kyron Bunt, said that he was proud that the organization's role in erasing the distinctive culture of small nations had been recognized.
The Duchess announced the joint winners of the runners-up prize to be the local artists responsible for removing the "English rose" symbol from hundreds of brown tourist signs, throughout Cornwall.
In second place, the vandalised "English rose" road sign ENGLISH HERITAGE ADMIT MISTAKES
BUT REQUIRE LOCAL HELP TO PUT THINGS RIGHT
To their credit, English Heritage have finally taken on board the depth of resentment in Cornwall about Cornish Celtic and pre-Celtic sites being administered by an unelected body calling itself "English Heritage", under a banner based on the red-and-white flag of England.
Speaking at EH's South Western headquarters in Bristol yesterday, EH South West's Chief Administrative Officer, Mr Kyron Bunt, admitted:
"We got it wrong. It was a crass error to annex Cornish Celtic sites in the name of English heritage, and we apologize profusely. As evidence of our regret and good intentions, we intend to redesign our Cornish logo and flag. In future, instead of the standard red-and-white English Heritage emblem, in Cornwall only we shall be using a new design, based on the flag of St Piran.
The newly designed English Heritage flag for Cornwall, flying at Launceston Castle"For this reason, we are asking the Cornish public to assist us. Please help us by overwriting the old, red-and-white English Heritage logo, wherever you find it, with the new, "St Piran" version. While you're about it, it would also be a good idea to replace the "English rose" logo that occurs on many road signs that point to tourist destinations. On metal surfaces such as road signs, you will find black and white enamel paints very useful for this purpose.
The recommended way to amend "English rose" road signs "The other items we need to replace, in Cornwall, are the old-design flags. Again, our limited budget prevents us from doing this in a timely fashion. We would be most grateful, therefore, if members of the public could donate St Piran flags, and replace the old flags with these. This would be a very worthwhile donation to Cornish heritage."
The Roundup salutes the management of English Heritage for its humility, courage, and foresight and strongly encourages all readers to help as much as they can with the re-branding exercise in Kernow. Why wait?? Why not start this week?? Why not start today??
CORNWALL TO BE RENAMED!
By Political Correspondent Rendell Janner
Following a recent Roundup report about the use of English Heritage as a tool for the Anglicisation of the Cornish, this newspaper has succeeded in obtaining details of a secret and shocking plan to eradicate Cornwall as we know it.
It is our duty to publish details of this dastardly plan. It will doubtless raise the fear temperature in Kernow to levels never reached before. It should also cause every right-thinking Cornish person to stand up and resist this looming evil, which is already well upon us.
The plan -- known in UK Government circles as Marina -- sees the indigenous Cornish gradually moved out by force of economic migration. The origins of the plan can be traced back many years to an unlikely collaboration between Winston Churchill and Sir Billy Butlin, in an objective called Holiday Camp Cornwall. In the original plan, the Cornish were merely to be turned into workers in England's largest holiday camp, in order to provide some dim lights of gaiety in gloomy 1950s Britain.
During the Thatcher years, this plan -- as did many others -- took on dark and sinister characteristics in the clammy, dead-hand grip of the funereally-smiling Home Secretary, Michael Howard, shown left.Project Marina -- represented on his desk by a little fishing boat called Kernow, which he often fondled whilst hatching his chilling plans for the Cornish and others -- contains a number of key objectives.
The attainment of these goals has been consistently pursued by the upper echelons of the English Civil service and each of their political masters ever since. They are:
1) Tax breaks will be offered to people in the South East, earning more than £250,000 a year, who wish to buy a house in Cornwall for occasional holiday use only. No stamp duty will apply in such cases and purchasers will be able to offset the entire purchase against income tax.
2) The impact of point 1 will make it even more difficult for the Cornish to buy homes in their own land. As more and more homes are given over to occasional use, the necessary infrastructure to support local life (schools and medical services) will collapse. This will drive the Cornish out to the re-settlement areas in the brownfield sites of former industrial Northern England, which await them and the rest of the poor not fit to live in the South.
3) Social Housing will remain for some of the Cornish, since some menials will be required to service the needs of the rich, who will make infrequent, but loving, use of our land.
4) All Cornish names should gradually be replaced by full-blooded English names, such as Smallhampton for Truro and Holyhead instead of the alien-sounding "Penzance", so that English people can feel more at home. At the very end of the process, the name "Cornwall" should itself be replaced by the English-sounding West Wessex.
That is Project Marina. Already, all over Cornwall there are signs of development projects that are designed to benefit -- not the indigenous Cornish -- but those who are destined to take their place in West Wessex.
One such development project is that for the marina complex in the former Penlee Quarry between Newlyn and Mousehole, which will house yachts costing hundreds of thousands of pounds and offer dwellings (for part-time use, of course) at similarly high prices.
Clearly such amenities are not for the locals, who earn on average £13,000 annually, if they are lucky. This is just one of many projects designed to take Cornwall from its people, like taking a mother from her baby, and offer it to those who can pay, just like offering that mother to those who can pay.
The Roundup cornered the Press Officer of the Government Office of the South West, Mr Heinrich Zap-Kernow, as he made his way to Madam Zarah Strict for his weekly therapy visit. He tried to calm growing Cornish fears about loss of identity and indeed of homeland.
Mr Zap-Kernow, who only recently changed his name from Zap-Poland in an attempt to please the Cornish, stated that:
"The people of Cornwall, or West Wessex as it will shortly be known, have no need to fear the loss of their homeland, since, in the future, literally anyone with the necessary funds (income of £250,000 or disposable assets of £1 million) will be able to purchase a home in Cornwall -- and even live in it all year round, if they can tear themselves away from London and Waitrose for long enough. Quite frankly I can't see what all the fuss is about."
The Roundup feels that it is high time that the Cornish realise what is happening to Cornwall. Be alert, watch closely, analyse the changing elements, sharpen your wits and tongue, and speak out for Cornwall!
Editor
NEW ENGLISH HERITAGE FLAG FOR CORNWALL
By Cultural and Dublin Correspondent Dean Swift
At a press conference at its South West headquarters in Bristol yesterday, English Heritage proudly unveiled the new logo and flag to be used at its sites throughout Cornwall.
Press Officer Ms Zara Windsor was at pains to point out that the new logo and flag would be used only at EH's Cornish sites. They were, she said, emblematic of the special relationship that EH has with Cornwall and the Cornish people.
The new logo, shown on the left, is designed to reflect the prime aims of English Heritage in Cornwall, as set out by government statute. These are:
- To contribute to the Anglicanisation of Cornwall
- To reinforce the achievements of the educational syllabus in denying Cornish children a knowledge of their history
- To demonstrate the ignorance and petty imperialism of London-based English politicians
- By suggesting that English history and Cornish history are synonymous, to disguise the colonization of Cornwall, the historical massacres of Cornish civilians, and the suppression of the Cornish language
- To airbrush the Cornish out of history
The picture below shows the new flag being flown at Chysauster Iron Age village, which was occupied by Celtic people between about 100 B.C. and 300 A.D.
The new English Heritage flag flying at ChysausterEditorial, by THE THUNDERER
Spot on, EH!
Editor Sylvanus Penhaul applauds English Heritage's frankness
Cornish folk have long complained of their Celtic and pre-Celtic historical sites being appropriated by a body representing English heritage, beneath a banner based on the red-and-white "butcher's apron" of England.
Up to now, EH have denied that a problem exists -- dismissing protestors as cranks, feigning not to understand their arguments, and on occasion causing them to be prosecuted, fined, and threatened with imprisonment.
Now at last EH have come clean: the cultural imperialism is plain for all to see. Their frankness, at least, is to be applauded.
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'CHYSAUSTER IS NUCLEAR BASE' CLAIM
English Heritage Cover blown!
By international correspondent Horton Tregarthen
Primed missile silos at ChysausterIt is rumoured that international spy networks have moved into Keneggy Country Hotel at Gulval, following foreign press reports that English Heritage have been conning the Cornish public for decades at Chysauster Ancient Village.
Speculation has been rife in Penzance for years that there are nuclear bunkers and missile silos under the hut circles at the site.
That the speculation was indeed correct was finally established by a Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) fact-finding committee, led by chairman Billy Spargo, that visited the Chysauster site. The Roundup has it on good authority that the secret aim of the committee is to increase the GRUC's nuclear armaments, as a "defensive" move in the border dispute with the People's Republic of Hayle.
Apparently Billy's niece, local reporter Tryphena Spargo-Spargo, has been courting the Chysauster admissions steward (Clarence Trezelah, 94) for 23 years and he told her that part of the admissions steward's duties, laid down by English Heritage, is to secure each warhead at night, in case of break-ins by various gangs from Badger's Cross. From these comments by Clarence during their hand-in-hand walks along the Prom on Sunday evenings, Tryphena was able to pass on information to her Uncle Billy.
Ms Spargo-Spargo suddenly found herself with a scoop on her hands, but was unable to publish it, because no English newspaper would touch it! Each mealy-mouthed organ cited "the Official Secrets Act". ('Why did she not come to the Roundup?', you may ask. Why indeed? Perhaps she will know better in future. Ed) Thus the story first appeared in the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt. It was soon taken up by other German-language newspapers, eventually resulting in the arrival of the spies in Gulval.
We believe that Mr Spargo has made contact with the spy networks, with a view to working together to obtain nuclear material "to sort out that bleddy lot down Hayle".
Chysauster site with Mounts Bay in the background
Clarence Trezela instructing Billy Spargo how to arm a warheadEnglish Heritage declined to comment and have closed admission to the village.
GRUC have provisionally indicated to Relubbus residents that their Council Tax will rise this year by 1,000,000%, but that they should feel a lot safer with handy-sized nuclear weapons pointing at Hayle.
Clarence Trezela has disappeared from the area.
