RELUBBUS ROUNDUP BIRTHDAY NEWS

 BIRTHDAY BOYS!!

The famous Tregavarah triplets - Abelard, Archilaus and Aardvark Angwin - are 50 years old today. 

Their parents have sadly passed on, but their Enty, Mrs Audrey Addicoat (94) of Gwavas Estate, was thrilled to be asked a few words about them by our reporter.

Putting her teeth in specially, she said,"My sister, Agnes, wudda bin sum proud of er boys, if she were ere neow!  After a few false starts, they boys is proper gents."

Abelard runs a thriving roadside grocery stall in the layby at Grumbla next to the Tremethick Cross turn-off. He says proudly, "I duh oney sell tattees and turnick!" 

Many people pass this way on route to their work in bustling Tremethick Cross or in the City of London or even in Wall Street, New York.

They always make a point of stopping to have a chat with Abelard and to buy a few of his potatoes and swedes (in Cornish 'turnick').  Apart from the splendid quality of his vegetables, which are eaten raw and unwashed by City-working health aficionados, another big draw is the opportunity to use pre-decimal currency, since Archilaus uses and accepts nothing else on his stall.

He opens at 3.00 am to catch the Wall Street-bound New York traffic and closes at 1.00 am to pick up trade from late night clubbers coming home from their revels in Tremethick Cross.

His brother, Archilaus, is a gentlemen's outfitter now specialising solely in taking inside leg measurements.  Rather than operating his own business premises, he travels, on his penny farthing bike, from one gents' outfitter's to another to provide this specialist service for others too shy to undertake this intimate service.  As he proudly boasts, "I doubt there iddena inside leg measurement in the olla Wes' Cornwall I ebben took!"

He is pictured here on the left, 'practising' on a young lady on the beach, just before she slapped him.

Aardvark, called by the other two 'the runta the litter', has had a somewhat less settled past and has been obliged to spend several spells at Her Majesty's pleasure for a string of repeated offences. 

Now, finally banned from working with small animals again, he is seeking to build up a fresh career in door-to-door sales of home-made wooden sunglasses.

The boys - all still single and available -have celebrated their happy day together by going out to share a slap-up meal at the Queen's Hotel on the Prom in Penzance.

IT IS CHRIS'S BIRTHDAY TOO!!

Chris Kelynack from Heamoor is 49 years old today.  Chris moved here 'frumup pas' Truru' some years back and no one is entirely sure whether this enigmatic person is male or female.

Chris is a freelance taxidermist working from home and derives a real pleasure - as well as a handsome income - from preserving deceased animals, usually beloved pets.

Chris has an unusual approach to this task and is setting something of a trend  by focussing on preserving only the skin of the animal and then filling it up with helium gas. so that it floats balloon-like.

Chris also attaches an Ipod pouch to the animals, so that the owners can listen to recordings of their loved ones or simply play music.

Chris is now applying to the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) for permission to treat deceased humans in this way so that loved ones can have them float around the room jabbering away just like they used to.

Chris celebrated the birthday in a very odd way, but despite the weird noises, would not explain what it involved.

WHAT HAPPENED TO LITTLE MAVIS??!!

Mavis Tergonning of Alverton Estate, Penzance, was 5 years old yesterday.  The little darling girl is the apple of her parents' eyes and, as her doting father says, "There idden nuthin we wooden do fer she!  Ansum she is too!"

So it was that at 9.30 yesterday morning the little girl took possession of the pet alligator that she always dreamed of having.  She named the animal "Alli" and rode him off to the playing field behind the Pirate pub. 

This moment was captured on camera by the proud parents and then put on immediate display on the mantelpiece in the front room.

However, the parents began to get concerned when little Mavis failed to come home.  Said distraught mother, Avril Tregonning, "I gotta bit wurried when she never come ome fer er danner.  But I thought 'she's out avinna bit fun wither lill pet.  We'll leave she be a bit longer.

"Then when she nevver come ome fer er tea, I said to Derrick, my usbant, I said to un, I said, 'Ere, Derrick, she ebben come ome yet - you goin out to look fer the maid, aree?"

Derrick set off to explore and, although he found the alligator burping contentedly in a corner of the field, he could find no trace of the girl. 

Mavis was nowhere to be found.  Police were then called in to investigate.  All are baffled by the disappearance.

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All this week at the Relubbus Panopticon Theatre!!!!!!

Mad Sarah Plain invites you to join her Tea Party.

Tickets are just £550 per person per hour!!

Yes, you've got to be mad to go there!

BRAMMIE THE CAT ACHIEVES YET ANOTHER FIRST!!

Brammie, the amazingly gifted cat  from Ludgvan has already astounded everyone by revealing his ability to talk.Now he has revealed another talent - walking on water!

It was only last year that he appeared on Radio Cornwall to 'give personal testimony' to the impact of devastating human cruelty on the feline world by the performance of vicious castrations on unsuspecting male kittens.

Readers of this magazine and listeners to Radio Cornwall will recall his touching words, which had immediate repercussions. 

The Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) issued a banning order on so-called 'doctoring' of male kittens. 

GRUC Council Leader, Billy Spargo, stated "Any vets 'doctrin' any more cats err gunna get 'vetted' by me!"  This dire threat had the desired effect and the cat population of Greater Relubbus consequently mushroomed.

Mindful that the broadcast was taking place before the Radio Cornwall watershed and therefore carefully choosing his words, Brammie - amidst floods of tears - had stated that he had been deprived of his 'wherewithal' before he had even become old enough to contemplate the act which might result in the sound of many little padded paws.

The father-never-to-be from Ludgvan thereby earned the sympathy and support of thousands all over Cornwall.  It was only a little later that most of them had grasped the fact that they really had been listenng to a talking cat.

Brammie, who can also turn his paw to quadratic equations, had realised from an early age that he could understand human speech.  However, it was only after the trauma of his separation from his 'wherewithal' that he realised that he could speak.

As he explained then, "When yer knackers 've bin cut off, you duh wake up bleddy quick an' pay attention.  Wadden long afore I reelised I could talk 'swellas understand!"

Brammie is now back in the news again after yet another amazing feat of walking - on water - from Penzance to St Michael's Mount and back again without getting any of his paws wet.

After his exertions, Brammie relaxed over a restoring pint of beer at his favourite pub, the Coldstreamer, in Gulval and told our special correspondent, Tamsin Trembath (18), who had made a special sartorial effort on his behalf, just what had come to pass.

He explained that, whilst cats do not normally like to be too close to water, let alone in it or on it, fate had revealed to him that he had an ability to walk on it.

He had managed to sneak into Mrs 'Ollis house next door, whilst her beloved budgie was flying free.  He had managed to intercept the budgie in mid-flight and had quickly and expertly dissected it and consumed it in front of an enraged Mrs 'Ollis, thereby earning her immediate and undying hatred.

Propelled by the speed that comes from cold fury, she managed to grab hold of Brammie and, as her house backed on to the Red River, she flung poor Brammie into the fast flowing current, thinking, as indeed Brammie himself thought, that he would thereby meet his doom.

Our feline hero then made his great and happy discovery that he could bounce along the water, never breaking its surface and never getting wet.  He decided to keep this discovery a secret until today.

Having first obtained odds of 100,000,000 to 1 that a cat could not walk on water, he placed a £1 bet to that effect at Ladbrokes before setting out on his epic water trot.

Now Brammie is faced with a problem that not many cats have - how to spend £100,000,000.

He has booked himself in at the Relubbus Veterinary Institute for some urgent 'wherewithal reconstructive surgery', but, thereafter, he is open to suggestions........

NEWSFLASH

First and Last! A Cornish Matador's Dreams meet a Sharp End!

Cornish would-be Matador, Bert Pender (48) from up Pendeen was in the news recently, when he announced that he was 'jackin' in' his steady job as a meter reader to 'ave a bash' at his preferred career path of Matador.

He set off for Spain and was accompanied on the trip by his Enty Doreen (89), who is a part time photographer for the Roundup.

She managed to secure this telling shot of Bert on his very first (and now last) day out in the arena. 

Sadly much damage was done  and Bert has had to accept that he is  now 'dun matadorin' an iss back tuh thuh meters fer me!"

PETS' CORNER

The good-natured readers of the Roundup have always responded well to the call from pets in need. We hope that this week's three little chaps will also win your affection and engage your willingness to help.

Good home wanted for cute l'il pup!

Playful pup, "Gnasher", is just three months old and is already having to look for a new home.

Sadly, his mum and dad had to be put down because they attacked and killed their owner and his family.   

Rodney Bolitho (55) of Colinsey Road, Penzance was the last of the six in his family to die, but even as he was being savaged  by Gnasher's mum and dad - with little Gnasher doing his level best to try to help them - Rodney, a dog-lover till the end, cried out to the the armed police coming, sadly far too late, to the rescue, "They din mean nuthin' by it - they're sum good dogs really!", before  his windpipe was ripped out in a speedy act of canine surgical precision.

Police quickly despatched the two older dogs in a hail of bullets, securing only minimal injuries to themselves before the bullets took full effect.  Gnasher was stunned by the sudden shooting of his parents, as well as by the maniacal clubbing administered to him to get him to release a policeman's leg.

Given his young age and in view of Mr Bolitho's dying recommendation, it was decidd to give young Gnasher a second chance.  A loving home is now sought for Gnasher in the West Penwith area.  Animal psychologists have - at some considerable and safe distance - determined that Gnasher might well benefit from being placed in a home with young children to help him develop.

If you are interested, just 'phone the Roundup, speak to Tamsin and ask for 'Gnasher'.

Good Cornish Home wanted!

Sukhbataar, a 14-year-old Mongolian golf-hamster, has a handicap of just 5.  

He likes a good full Cornish cooked breakfast to set him up for the day and, as this pciture show, is probably the only professional golfer to play in the nude.  

As he insists, "Come on, mate!  My body's covered in fur, who's going to notice?  Anyway, out on the the course, all the eyes will be on my playing and not on my body!"

Sukhbataar can earn between £150,000 and £200,000 a season and so probably doesn't deserve to be called a pet.  However, he is fed up living out of a proverbial suitcase in hotels and wants a good Cornish home with proper cooking.

Interested parties should know that he has - and will bring along - his own cage equipped with his favourite wheel and expansive run.

If you are interested, 'phone the Roundup, speak to Tamsin and ask for 'Sukhbataar'.

Looking for love?

Timothy (12 and neutered) is a (former) male of refined tastes currently living with a caring family in a caravan just outside Madron.  

In perfect health, except for a slightly weakened right eye, for which he wears an appropriately corrective eye-glass, Timothy does occasionally feel the urge for female companionship, despite the drastic surgery he underwent long ago.

Timothy is fond of freshly boiled fish, the warmth of an open fire and the sound of Bach piano concertos, which he finds particularly comforting whilst licking his arse.  

He would like to meet a discerning female (feline or human) who would share his interests and give him the benefit of any sexual doubt.

If you are interested, 'phone the Roundup, speak to Tamsin and ask for 'Timothy'.

BIG CAT-LOVER EXPOSED AS BIG-CAT LOVER!

The Carnyorth cultural establishment was rocked and shaken to its foundations yesterday by the publication of a ‘compromising photograph’ showing Madron Polkinghorne (49), the revered Chairman of the Carnyorth Cultural Institute and Big Cat Zoo seemingly involved in “an irregular activity” with a large cat in a pond.

Mr Polkinghorne, a flamboyantly colourful character with odd habits and questionable personal hygiene standards, used to work as a delivery driver for the St Erth Creamery until it closed down.

As soon as he moved to Carnyorth from somewhere ‘up country’ in the Camborne area, he became a keen member of the 4,700 strong Carnyorth Cultural Institute, participating with enormous enthusiasm in all events until he was elected chair.

The Institute was devoted to the practical arts and its courses and seminars drew aspiring artists, sculptors and writers from as far as New Mill.

Polkinghorne was sometimes controversial, as, for instance, when he suggested that he should become the first full-time paid employee of the Institute on a salary funded by levying an annual fee of £1,000 per member. Polkinghorne was quick to point out that some of the £4.7 million raised in this manner inevitably went on unavoidable annual running costs, such as paying for his Porsche and driver. He insisted that, after necessary deductions of this sort, he was lucky to be taking home £500,000.

He attracted yet further controversy when he proposed that he should ‘road-test’ the female life models. However, his devotion to the success of the Institute was such that even his initial detractors came to be his supporters.

As Chairman, Polkinghorne, describing himself as a big cat lover, persuaded the Institute that a “Big Cat Zoo” with lions, tigers, cheetahs, panthers, leopards and jaguars would be a natural extension of the Institute’s activities. Polkinghorne then spent much of his time – alone – in the company of the cats.

Yesterday’s photograph – snapped by a passing Salvation Army collector (Miss Doreen Andrewartha (109)), who was as surprised as Polkinghorne evidently was – clearly shows both parties – Polkinghorne and a lioness known as ‘Betty’ – in a pond together with no clothes on.

Being ‘discovered’ in this manner clearly put both of them off their stroke. Betty retired, muttering disconsolate growls, to her pen, whilst Polkinghorne was busy shouting pathetically unbelievable excuses to the hastily retreating Salvation Army collector.

The RSPCA (The Relubbus Society for the Protection of Cruelly–treated Animals) has been called in and there is talk of Polkinghorne being dragged before the Relubbus courts. The Roundup will remain on the case!

COME TO RELUBBUS CHILDREN'S ZOO!

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If you are looking for a fun day out for the kids, then you need look no further than Relubbus Children’s Zoo (RCZ)!!

At RCZ, your little ones can actually get in with the animals, stroke them and touch them and get the sort of experience no other zoo is prepared to offer!!

All the animals on show are Cornish varieties and are perfectly safe for your little darlings.

Just hand your kiddies in to one of our keepers, like gorgeous 24-year-old Beverly (shown here on the left) or 19-year-old Madron, and you can take yourself off for a refreshing cup of tea in our parents’ hut (with Unisex toilet, with new wooden seat, and wash hand basin!).

Your kiddies can spend time with the Sancreed Lurcher and its pups. An unusual Sancreed breed, which is found nowhere else except in Southern Africa, the Lurchers are highly social. They typically emit a piercing high-pitched shriek when they are ripping the flesh from the living things hastily thrown into their compound for meals.

Nervous parents can be assured that children are never admitted to the pound BEFORE meals, only AFTER. This means that their little darlings should always be safe. They will be able to stroke the doggies and play with them without fear of being eaten*.


A particular favourite with the kiddies, is the ‘Mousehole cat’. The RCZ version is admittedly a little larger than the cat usually depicted as the Mousehole cat. Further, it does roar rather than miouw, but, if you can stand the halitosis, it IS a cutie to stroke. All kiddies are asked NOT to pull pussy's tail as he does get more than a bit impatient when the little dears do that and he has been known to scratch rather badly when tormented in this way.

Another animal, which is just a little more dangerous, is the Sennen Rat. Rats in Sennen do grow big, but this one is four times as big as those found in the wild – the pictured specimen is 12 feet tall. The rat pictured here, 34-year-old Carnegie, is the safest of all the rats. He is used to maltreatment, having been beaten about by the wardens ever since he was brought in as a baby. Darts can be obtained from the wardens for use in tormenting Carnegie, but it is very dangerous to use them on the other rats.

However, don’t worry, none of these animals misbehave when Bev is around!!

Entrance is only £15 per kiddie! Come to RCZ!!

* Usually, that is! Children under 2 years old should be accompanied by an older child (and not left alone with Madron).

WONDER DOG CAN TALK!!

Relubbus Central Veterinary Hospital has been thrilled by the achievements of its very latest "patient".

'Colenso' (pictured here on the left) is a representative of a very rare Cornish breed of dog, the Sancreed Sloucher, which is typified by very thin legs and a very large head. The Sloucher is believed to be the descendant of those ancient Celtic war hounds that so terrified the Roman legionaries.

However, in Colenso's case the characteristics are extremely strongly pronounced, giving him an enormous head (5 feet in diameter) and painfully thin legs, which are barely capable of supporting his head, which accounts for 8 of his 9 stone in weight.

In fact, it was his difficulty in keeping his head up that brought him into hospital in the first place. The problem was solved by putting his head in a cushioned and supportive little frame on wheels.

Doctor Horton Bolitho, director of the hospital, said "Little Colenso has won over all the nurses with his cute and winsome ways. Once you get over the imbalance between head and body, he begins to look very cute. Also, the fearsome characteristics which so worried the Romans have been bred out of the breed over the centuries.

However, the most miraculous thing that we have discovered about little Colenso is that he is capable of speech. His very large head has given him a voicebox capable of human-like speech and a significant brain, which has enabled him to understand human speech and to use it himself".

Astounded nurses came across Colenso reciting rhyming couplets to himself when he thought no one was listening.

After several weeks the Roundup was admitted to the hospital and allowed to interview Colenso, who spoke as follows:

"Actually I am quite pissed off about that bugger Bolitho saying that I have got a big head. I mean -- have you seen the size of his big bonce??!! Its a bit of a bleddy cheek! I insist that, if you print a picture of me, you also print a picture of that bighead Bolitho!!""

Never wishing to mislead or disappoint, we print here on the left a picture of Dr Bolitho, who, we do have to admit, does possess a head which is far larger than can be considered normal.

Indeed, he seems to be cranially super-charged, but, unlike Colenso, does not appear to be compensated by an unusually high intelligence.

Colenso, who has quickly learnt to read since entering hospital, has most recently taken to wearing a bow tie and has become a keen crossword solver, able to complete the Times crossword in under four minutes.

Now that he has got some sensible support for his head, Colenso is thinking of leaving hospital and getting a job. Rather fancying Fiona Bruce, Colenso would like to become her newscasting partner and believes that, as the world's only talking dog, he must have an excellent chance of success.

Before leaving for London to apply for a job alongside Fiona -- for whom he could woof all night long! -- he will be appearing "in conversation" at the Relubbus Panopticon Theatre next Monday and Tuesday evenings. Tickets are available from £95 each.

RELUBBUS HOME FOR ABANDONED ANIMALS

The Relubbus Home for Abandoned Animals (RHAA) provides a rescue centre for all manner of cute little creatures that have been simply ditched by their cruel owners. The RHAA prides itself on never turning away any creature and has developed something of a speciality in caring for unusual pets.

Bosjethnan Tregadgwith (78), pictured left, the Director of the Home, has stated that the rising oil price is to blame for many people abandoning their pets, particularly the more unusual ones, because of the steeply rising costs of specialist animal feed, which has to be flown in.

Exotic animals such as the winged alligator, the Ecuadoran flying two-headed snake, the bespectacled worm, the bipenile toad and the antarctic four-eared antelope all require very specialised foodstuffs which have to be flown into St Just Airport.

Mr Tregadgwith, a pensioner, is unable to fund the suddenly increased costs of the home and has been reduced to trying, unsuccessfully, to sell his body in some of the disreputable gay bars between Pendeen and Zennor in a forlorn attempt to raise the desperately required funds.

Desperate times call for desperate measures and poor Mr Tragdgwith is even having to think of parting with his most prized possession, his beloved 'Farty', an extremely rare example of the Cornish Rex Amoris lapdog.

Farty (pictured left) has been Bosjethnan's dearest companion ever since the death of his 'sweet wifekins', Ariminta, 10 years ago in a tragic accident involving electric curlers and the bath. Apparently the dog is the spitten image of his dear wife, a former Miss Prospidnick many years ago.

Apart from the tender moments Farty spends with his owner at night and five times during the day, he is a fierce guard dog happy to rip the throat out of anyone his master designates as 'Sowsnek". Farty is reckoned to be able to fetch as much as £5,500,000 on the open market.

Readers may wonder just what sort of exotic animals are in the care of the RHAA and the Roundup is pleased to be able to present some of them now.

The rarest specimens are an unusual animal pairing of "Harry Hippo" and "Theresa Tortoise". The devoted couple are believed to be unique in the animal kingdom. They are pictured here on the left in one of their unusual 'rest' moments.

Much of the day seems to be happily spent by the couple in, as yet unproductive, humping of Theresa by Harry. Bosjethnan is eager to see just what sort of offspring there might be.....a 'hippoise' or a 'tortippo'. Zoos around the world are also eagerly following the couple's progress.

There is equal zoological interest in the peculiar specimen of Aberdeen mouse shown on the left. Named 'Wee Squeakie', the mouse is bigger than a bull and equipped with fearsome horns. Wee Squeakie shows no sign of discomfort in the presence of cats - if anything it is the latter which display fear of the former.

The animal's appetite is also hugely greater than that of a normal mouse. Its squeak too is very much louder than anything to come from a normal mouse. On the plus side, its droppings work wonders in the garden!!

Known as 'Tickles', the alcoholic beaver (shown here with a unusually EMPTY wine glass for a change) is a perfectly normal beaver except for his requirement for red wine. His daily consumption is somewhere between 9 or 10 bottles.

He is particularly fond of Spanish Rioja and French Bordeaux, both of which make him very happy. He does not get on well with Italian Chianti and, in fact, is likely to become dangerously aggressive if Chianti is put into his cage by mistake.

So, Readers, you now have an opportunity to display your generosity by digging deep in your pockets to help out Bosjethnan and his animals. As an incentive, Mr Tregadgwith informs us that the first letter to arrive at the home with a cheque for in excess of £15,000 will win the fabulous prize of looking after Farty for a week!!

NEWS IN BRIEF

By staff reporter Rendell Janner
TRENGWAINTON LIONS A ROARING SUCCESS!
The 4,500 lions let loose in the Joachim Von Ribbentrop Memorial Gardens at Trengwainton have proved to be enormously popular with local visitors.

Pictured here on the left is Lizzie Polglaze (67) in a photograph taken seconds before the "horrific incident". Miss Polglaze, who has worked on the till in Beares' butchers on the Parade, Penzance, since she was a girl of 16, was so excited to be riding the lion that she unfortunately wet herself.

The unexpected release of warm liquid so discomfited the lion that it turned on its hapless rider and, with others from the "Pride of Trengwainton", made a rather messy but speedy meal of Miss Polglaze. Trying to look on the bright side, Ethel Bolitho (72), Lizzie's best friend, said "Least she wen' out doin' sumthin' 'xcitin'. She'll be sum pleased 'bowt that -- she never 'ad a man."



SOCIETY WEDDING IN SANCREED
A crowd of several thousand Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual people gathered outside the Methodist Chapel in Sancreed for the occasion of the biggest society wedding there in the past two weeks. Mecca bingo caller Billy Penhaligon (35) married his childhood love, famous local transsexual Zeke (now Tamsin) Trewelah (34), a pigherd of Trebothick farm, Sancreed.

Billy commented, "I 'ave luvved 'un since we wuz knee 'igh an' I'm still fond ov un even though ee's now a maid!"

The blushing, and captivatingly beautiful, bride echoed these sentiments in her post-operative though still strikingly bass voice, "I kent wait to get ee 'ome - come on neow, my lover!"
The happy couple will live in a none-up, one-down in Tregavarah.

The presiding minister, the Reverend Methuselah Bugley (55), originally from West Yorkshire, when questioned about the unusual nature of the wedding he had just celebrated, merely commented cryptically, "There's nowt so queer as folk!"

THE MAESTRO PASSES ON!
Sixty three minutes silence was held on Tuesday in Newlyn to mark the surprise passing of Caleb Retallack (119), who died of exertion on the night of his wedding to his 8th wife, Rachel Trengenza (19).

Mr Retallack had, for a long time, been a champion and patron of the arts in Newlyn. A founder member and major funder, for many years, of the world famous Newlyn Underwater String Quartet, he devoted himself to the support and development of musical traditions of all sorts in Newlyn, being particularly fond of musically arranged eructations.

He also founded the Newlyn School of Female Body Art (19-20), which concerns itself with drawings, sketches and paintings rendered on the naked bodies of young women aged between 19 and 20 .

It is perhaps no co-incidence that his young bride Rachel, pole-dancing champion of Parc Wartha Estate, was one of the models at the School. His entire estate passes to Rachel.

R.C. OATES -- HOW THE EMPIRE STARTED!
Many people have often wondered just how R.C. Oates, the Relubbus mega-multi-billionnaire, made all his money. Now the Roundup can present a hitherto unseen picture of the great man in his earliest years, which sheds some light on this question.

Pictured here outside his garden shed -- which was later destined to become his flagship store in Relubbus -- R.C. Oates is shown as a young lad of 15 about to set off on his bike to deliver home-made Bovril-flavoured condoms to an eager Relubbus public.

Famed throughout West Cornwall as the man who can sell anything, this photo was taken by his mother, Mrs Temperance Oates, shortly before she too was sold to an Arabian slave-trader.

In short -- even as a schoolboy -- the young Oates was already displaying the entrepreneurial flair which was to power his ascent to the dizziest heights of capitalist success.

NEW ZOO PROPOSED UP TRENGWAINTON

By our local Trengwainton correspondent, Horton Tregarthen
Following the successful planning application to site 20,000 caravans on St. Michael's Mount, the Cornish National Trust Committee 'ave now instructed its local property managers to come up with modernisation plans to increase the number of visitors at Trengwainton Gardens. At present there are more 'volunteer' stewards than there are visitors.

The National Trust committee for Heamoor 'ave today left on a week long business trip to meet Billy Spargo, the top Relubbus consultant on zoo design and animal care.

These 365 locally elected residents in the Trengwainton Gardens area (under the leadership of vocal local yokel, Tommy Botheras) feel that unless they duh bring in some new ideas then the attraction of viewing plain-looking plants will cease and people aren't goin' to come in. ("I aren't, for starters!", said Mr Botheras.)

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman Billy Spargo has instructed that the 365 Heamoor residents be accommodated in the luxurious (one bathroom on each floor and as much toilet paper as you can use!) 1000 room Relubbus Hilton hotel.

The Committee's initial thoughts are that visits should be "a bit spiced up" by letting loose some 50 lions and 5,000 poisonous snakes in the grounds so that the visitors are guaranteed excitement.

Mr Botheras commented hopefully "Billy Spargo duh reckon that he duh knaw someone down to Goldsithney who duh 'ave 20 Bengal tigers in 'is garden, and ee's going down to chat 'im up to see if they can be put up Trengwainton".

Local Land Agent for the Trust at Trengwainton, Mr Jimmy Von Ribbentrop (whose Uncle Joachim -- shown on the left -- was a regular visitor to the Gardens, before he got strung up at Nuremberg), duh reckon that the membership will grow once the word gets around. He duh think that it will be particularly attractive to the Battlefield residents of Penzance when they duh knaw that they can hand feed real wild animals when taking their dogs out for a walk.

Miss Tryphena Spargo-Spargo, the local reporter monitoring the proposed development, has been heard to say that her Uncle Billy from over to Relubbus is "sum bleddy excited" about the scheme, "even after they NT buggers done the dirty on the Council with caravans at St. Michael's Mount".

RSPCA SEEKS GOOD HOME FOR ABANDONED CAT

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The Relubbus Society for the Promotion of Charity towards Animals (RSPCA) is seeking a good home for poor abandoned feline, "Claws", pictured here on the left.

Claws is unusually large for a domestic cat, being 3-and-a-half feet tall and weighing in at 7 stone. Also unusually for a domestic cat, he roars instead of miaows.

Claws has a good appetite and will happily put away one small pig or a pet labrador per day. He likes them served live.

Although purchased as a surprise Christmas present for the children of a Relubbus family who seek no publicity, Claws was turfed out on the day after Boxing Day, after killing and eating the visiting Granny during her sleep.

It is probably for the best if Claws does not go to a home with children, since he might be tempted too much by the sight of shrill excitable snacks running up and down around him.

We are convinced that Claws is lovable at heart, but would suggest that new owners wear protective clothing and do not turn their backs on him. We would suggest that, at night, Claws is kept in his re-inforced steel cage (which we will supply). During the day, Claws can roam like any other cat, although he should not be let off his 7 foot steel leash.

Interested cat lovers should contact the RSPCA at Boswedden Lane on 789 345.