SPORTS NEWS

by special Sports Correspondent Tommy "Balls" Wakfer

LADIES NEED MALE MEMBERS!

There is one thing on which all the ladies of the Badgers Cross Badminton Club (BCBC) would agree - they definitely need male members.

BCBC has a membership of thirty six.  The trouble is that they are all ladies. 

They know that they must woo male players, but their sharply divided opinions on how to achieve this objective have split this once happy club (as one can see from the photo) right down the middle, exposing mutually hostile class divisions.

It all started when Aggie Trembath (31) placed a controversial poster on the walls of the local pub and the cricket club. 

Aggie had designed the poster herself and modelled  it on the iconic first world war Kitchener poster. 

It read "BCBC is all shuttle and no cock.  We ladies need male members!"

When word got out about Aggie's initiative, Letitia Chirgwin (29) was livid and set out to rip down and destroy every one of Aggie's posters.

Says Aggie defiantly, a self-employed pig insemination operative, " I cudden bleeve it, I cudden bleddy bleeve what that hoity-toity stuck-up bitch binangonundun!  Sony bitta fun, inna?  What she aff to go do that fer?"

Says Letitia haughtily, a freelance nasal hair trimmer with her own bike, "When I 'eard what that mentalist slapper dun, I went straight roun' the pub and pulled 'er posters deown!  We aren't all scrubbers 'ere like she!  Kommunasmuck she is!  Whatever she like??!"

Half the club supports Letitia and the other half is solidly behind Aggie.  How will it end?  Will the posters re-appear?  Who can say?  However, the Roundup will follow this gripping story.

THIRD PORTHCURNO CAMP TRAINING CAMP A GREAT SUCCESS!

Gays flocked to the Porthcurno Gay University site from all over West Penwith (especially Sancreed and St Buryan) to take part in the third great outdoor "Camp Training Camp."

Readers will recall that this event started up three years ago in honour of outstanding and pioneering local gay, Trenwith Madron Trembath, who sadly passed away in 2007 at the age of 124.

Mr Trembath achieved early fame by becoming the first man to swim the Atlantic - and back - non-stop,  fortified only by one of his mother's notoriously gargantuan pasties.

Trembath was a keen athlete, rugby player and cricketer.  As a young man in a time when there was precious little understanding for those devoted to a love that dared not speak its name, Trembath was a fearless and proud homosexualist, daringly outspoken about his gayness and defiantly setting up home with Reginald Polkinghorne in 1905 in their own little cottage in Porthcurno.  It was, of course, on the site of this cottage that the Porthcurno Gay University was later built.

The "Camp Training Camp" is a three day event in which young men engage in thrilling outdoor exercise with one another.

The snap on the left shows them in the early morning getting ready to partake in piggy back tournaments.  All jolly good fun designed to raise the spirits and strengthen the muscles.

The event has been very well attended this year with over 2,500 participants, including 40 0fficers from Penzance Police Station.

PC Ben Dover (second from the left, sitting on special friend Roger's shoulders) gushed enthusiastically, "I ebbent nevver 'ad s' much fun!  I'll be back 'ere nex' year fer deffinat!"

RELUBBUS MAIDS TRIUMPH

Relubbus girls thrash Eton boys!

A delighted crowd witnessed the thrashing on Saturday of the Eton Boys’ Under 15s football team by the Under 15s Hockey team from the Relubbus Posh Maids School (known locally as the RPM school) .

The Posh Maids (fees at the RPM school are £72,499 per term!) laid into the visitors from Eton right from the start. Since the Eton toffs couldn’t touch the girls (they are girls, after all), the girls were able to lay into the unprotected pampered flesh of the toffs with their specially sharpened steel hockey sticks.

The match was over in about 7 minutes. One toff – badly damaged - did survive, but he too perished on the way to the American Hospital at Prospidnick.

The victorious girls’ team members, as pictured here from left to right and from the top, are:

Rowena Pascoe, Morwenna Tresidder, Loveday Rosewarne, Angela Addicoat, Lamorna Andrewartha, Lowena Poldhu, Sara Curnow, Demelza Borlase, Ysella Kenidjack, Kerensa Roseudgeon and Wenna Tremaine.




The losing side of toffs from Eton are shown here pictured before the match, again from left to right from the top:

Saggy Plopp, Plengwin Quench, Benthwirt Elkplot, Flenny Bollop, Bleck Flunge, Wilp Stumpley, Ipney Nagbolt, Skelky Dackpole, Ticky Dollop, Glippy Moglit and Argrap Meefdew.


RPM team captain, Lamorna Andrewartha, who would like to become a children’s nurse, was short of breath after her exertions and, wiping her face clear of blood spilled from four of the toffs as a result of her ‘jugular’ special, enthusiastically declared “That was the best match ever – pity they didn’t last long! We all look forward to the rematch – we’re hoping to get the time down to below 6 minutes !”

ADVERTISEMENT

Don't Miss the Annual Long Rock Children’s Animal Circus!

The Annual Animal Circus in Long Rock is held once again in Farmer Pender’s back field. It is run for children by children, but its location is generously provided by Farmer Ben Pender for a mere 98% of the takings.

Five boys from Newlyn with ‘gladiator lobsters’, calling themselves “The Lighthouse boys”, have been banned this year, as they tried to get out of paying by threatening to parade outside the Pender farm calling out “Gender Bender Pender is a Perve”.

Farmer Pender – pictured left, a good sport who has in his own words 'suffered the investigations with, as yet, no convictions', was unwilling to yield to such crude pressure.

There are seven acts on display:

Terry Tonkin with Nigel, his talking tadpole.

Wilma Addicoat and her musical dog ‘Poop’.

Linda Polkinghorne and ‘Bash’, her bouncing tortoise.

The Colinsey gang with ‘Claws’ the cat performing with some mice.

Betty Boase and “Stiffie”, the diving budgie.

Billy Peninula and his frying ants (“Act only available in sunlight – don’t touch my magnifying glass!”)

Dickie Angwin and his “Pin the donkey’s tail back on again”. Warning - the donkey does kick!!

ENTRANCE FEE per child : 50 pence

OLYMPIC HERO IN DRUGS AND SEX SCANDAL!

Olympic gold medal hero Ned ‘Pasties ‘ Nudd (14), so recently lionised as the winner of the ‘Floating’ competition at the Beijing Olympics, is at the centre of a sensational drugs-and-sex scandal that threatens to cut short his brief but spectacular career (writes undercover investigative correspondent Dave Seedy).

Only weeks after being idolised by the vast crowds lining Boswedden Lane during the victorious Relubbus Olympic team's open-top bus tour of the city, Nudd has been caught in flagrante with an Atlantic grey seal, a bottle-nosed dolphin, a porbeagle, and a basking shark in the Olympic-sized swimming pool at the home of Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) leader Billy Spargo. It is not known whether Mr Spargo was present at the time, and he was not available for comment yesterday.

According to shocked eye-witnesses, a kind of "feeding frenzy" seemed to be taking place in the pool. Nudd, who consumes 400 pasties a day in training and cannot stand unaided, was at the centre of the frenzy, but a vast amount of fish was consumed by all the participants.

"'Zobvious t' me, they wuz all on drugs", said Mr Spargo's gardener, Bednego Tonkin.

There have also been allegations of inappropriate sexual activity involving Nudd, the seal and the dolphin, though the Roundup cannot substantiate the truth of this. Worse still for Nudd's reputation, the dolphin is apparently a male animal and the seal may be under-age! It is said to have "absconded" from the Children's Touch Pool at the Mevagissey Sea Life Centre on Sunday.

The Relubbus Olympic Committee meet on Wednesday to decide which of its rules, if any, Nudd has broken, and what action to take against him. The Roundup will keep you posted, but at the moment it looks as if Nudd's meteoric athletic career could be over.

RELUBBUS OLYMPIC TEAM UP FOR MEDALS!!

By our special Chinese Sports Correspondent, Dung Xiao Fried Lice

Boswedden Lane is full of the talk of medal prospects, since one of the strongest ever Relubbus teams has been fielded in Peking (as Billy Spargo has ordered it to be named).

The strongest gold medal hope resides in Ned ‘Pasties ‘ Nudd (14) , who will be competing in the ‘Floating’ competition. The International Olympic Committee (IOC) admitted the Floating competition following a petition from the Small Nations of the World, who backed Relubbus to the hilt.

Competion rules are that one must have eaten 500 shop pasties (Eddy’s, Rowe’s, Warren’s or Philp’s only are admissible (Ginsters are banned!)) in the previous 48 hours, before one attempts to float for four hours is a swimming pool. As Ned normally eats 300 pasties a day, he (firmly supported -- not literally, of course -- by his Mum) says that he should ‘walk it’. Just to make sure, the picture we show is of Ned in training – after 400 pasties a day.

The ever popular girls’ relay drinking team, shown here with their trainer, Tommy Tregarthen after a heavy session at the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn, have stepped up their drinking to ensure victory in the Women's 18-24 Piss-Up Competition. The rules are simple – ‘down’ the most in rapid succession and stay standing – for, at least, 30 minutes. These dedicated young women – all from Tremethick Cross Young Women’s Drinking Club are, from the left, Lavinia Angove (21), Aggie Lanyon (23), Letitia ‘Scrubber’ Liddicoat (22) and Poppy Cock (19) . These young women carry Relubbus’s hopes for a second gold.



Relubbus also has great hopes on the track. Brenda Opie (84) is our big gold medal hope in the Over Eighties Incontinence 50 Mile Sprint. Brenda is shown here in the midst of her gruelling training for the race. It is not just a question of keeping going in a gruelling 50 mile sprint race. It is also a matter of keeping up a constant detectable fine spray during the whole proceedings. Brenda is the girl for this task.

Brenda’s chances in this competition have been nothing if not strengthened by her reputed association with Chinese President, Hu Jintao, (37) who is apparently ‘hopressry in rove’ with her. Hu confided to friends on the Central Committee “Wat dat girl can do wiv cigar is no one’s business!!”.

Relubbus’ medal hopes do not end there. Silver or bronze hopes are realistic prospects for Dougie Ladner in the 1950s Milk Drinking Competition. This calls for the ability to drink glasses of milk “in a style consistent with the manner, practice, dress and decorum of the 1950s”. Dougie is held to be a natural for this, as he is a freeze-dried 1950s person.



Another hot contender for a medal is the St Ives milkman, Dick Rosewarne (45), in the Llama Impersonation Competition. Dick is so good at this that even his wife and mother (absolutely NOT the same person, despite the fact that they have never been seen together) are unable to detect him in a herd of llamas when he is ‘doing his impersonation’.



Yet another Relubbus medals hope is to be found in the new ‘Unusual Foods Consumption’ competition, where Pascoe Polkinghorne (29) of Gurnards Head is believd to have a strong chance. He has been in the Far East engaged on an extended training programme, centred on eating rat (as shown in the attached photo).



The last Relubbus medals hope is to be found in the recently introduced “Name That Sex” competition. Contestants are merely required to confuse the judges as to their gender, during interview AND subsequent physical examination. The Relubbus entrant, Chris Pender (32) of Buryas Bridge, has managed to confound and confuse his/her own mother (Nigel) for the past 25 years and Nigel says that Chris should definitely get a medal, if not the gold. The excitement can hardly be contained.

Let us wait to see where Relubbus appears on the medals table!!!

PROTEST AT OLYMPIC OPENING CEREMONY

By Sports Correspondent Rendell Janner
Chinese Olympic officials were incensed today after their much-vaunted security system was breached by protesters for the third time in as many days. And this time, to their huge embarrassment, the protest took place at the Olympic opening ceremony itself, while the eyes of the world were turned on Beijing!
This time, the protesters were three members of the Perranaworthal Rock Interface Climbing and Caving Club (PRICCC). While leader Jez Trebilcock and his girlfriend "Bosoms" Bodinnar staged a diversionary sit-down protest on the forecourt of the "Bird's Nest" stadium, accomplice Buzz "The Fly" Jago swiftly scaled one of the huge street lights just outside the stadium.

Once aloft, "The Fly" unfurled a banner, which read: "ONE WORLD, ONE DREAM, FREE KERNOW". The first two phrases are the Olympic motto. The third is a reference to the struggle of the Cornish people to free themselves from the oppressive yoke of the English state.

As soon as the banner was unfurled, it was noticed by the crowd inside the stadium, creating great excitement. Soon attention had shifted from the Opening Ceremony to the lone protester.

While aloft, Buzz Jago gave an interview to a Canadian journalist which was broadcast around the world. In it, he said:

"The situation in Kernow is remarkably similar to that in Tibet. The distinctive cultures of both countries are being deliberately suppressed by a powerful neighbour. (If you doubt this in regard to Kernow, look no further than the actions of English Heritage.)

"In both Kernow and Tibet, the indigenous population is being turned into an underclass by means of state policies that encourage mass immigration and economic dependency."

Before being led away by Chinese security men, Mr Jago promised that more pro-freedom demonstrations, from both Kernewek and Tibetan activists, would follow.

PEOPLE IN THE NEWS

The Roundup provides a 'roundup' of people who have been making the big news in West Penwith!
Voluptuous Brenda Rosewarne (27) from Tregeseal, St Just, is not just a go-ahead executive in charge of sheet music for Marshall James' Music in Market Jew Street, Penzance!

In her spare time, she is active in four different sports. Last week she came 8th in the Tregeseal Methodist Church Egg and Spoon Race.

The week before, she managed to secure 3rd place in the Pendeen Open Cross Country 5 mile Hopping (left leg only) race.

Last month, she scooped second prize in the Tremethick Cross Magnifying Glass Ant-frying Speed Contest (frying 356 ants in just 30 minues!).

Yesterday, she topped all her other achievements by coming first in the Sancreed Sack Race (It differs from other such races in that the sack is worn over the head and thus, once one has been spun round the regulation 36 times to achieve disorientation, one has precious little chance of going in the right direction, quite apart from covering the 220 yards in the required 8 minutes). Breathless Brenda was over the moon with her performance, saying "I am over the moon!"

Hankie Penhaligon (41), on his organ on the left, and Ben Dover (39), fully engaged with his instrument on the right, are kitchen fitters by day, but sing proudly for God in the evenings.

The two boys founded the group "Cornish Voices for Jesus" years ago at Mousehole Methodist Youth Club. Now their runaway success with their last hit, "Satan's feet don't smell too good!", has won them the support of the Christian Records Label and bookings from Heamoor to St Buryan.

Mecca Bingo caller, Dougie Botterell (76) has been let off without a caution for "pestering" young innocent Penny Treglown (21). The couple are pictured here together last month at the Mecca Bingo in Penzance, when Dougie called her up for the twentieth time for a special prize.

Penny complained, "the dirty old bugger was jes lookin' down my cleavage". The magistrate, Mr Tommy Botterell (no relation) said, "No one can blame my cousin for wanting to have a look. Have you seen the size of them? She ought to carry a health warning!"




Prospidnick Stage Hypnotist Jacko Clemo (52) has been in the news recently for all the wrong reasons. He originally achieved fame by hypnotising rabbits and getting them to recite medieval poetry and perform other un-rabbit-like acts. He is believed to have achieved the peak of his career some years back, when he hypnotised some grass snakes into thinking they were birds and actually got them to fly!

Now, alas, how the mighty have fallen! He was arrested last week for preying upon the residents of the Gwithian Home for Retired Gentlewomen, having hypnotised them (none of them are younger than 97) into believing that they were the 25 year old inhabitants of a house of ill repute and that he was the sole gentleman they had to entertain.

Gay Cornwall was over the moon at the celebrity marriage in Camborne of Mebyon Kernow Gay Rights Campaigner, Aloysius Landshark (45), "with all the gay gear" on the left, to his chosen partner Ben Dover (28), an unemployed brick-layer from Falmouth.

The happy couple were said to be overjoyed that so many representatives of the Devon & Cornwall Police (Gay division) had turned out to be supportive and perform their synchronised baton-waving routine.

The happy couple will honeymoon at Long Rock for 7 weeks and will then be moving into a caravan near Sennen to begin married life together, with their budgie, "Harold", who is not gay.

OLYMPIC TORCH "LIBERATED" IN RELUBBUS

By Diplomatic and Sports Correspondent Rendell Janner

Huge anti-Chinese demonstrations greeted the arrival of the Olympic torch in Relubbus yesterday, during the Kernow stage of its progress around the world. The picture above shows the torch at the start of its journey down Boswedden Lane, guarded by a motor cycle escort, armed riot police, and a sinister gang of blue track-suited Chinese "torch minders".

Tens of people lined both sides of the street, with rival groups hurling vociferous abuse at each other.

A large posse of Chinese students, many of whom had apparently been "bussed in" from as far afield as Camborne Tech., cheered the torch on its way.

However, they were opposed by larger groups of exiles from the People's Republic of Hayle, protesting at the Chinese annexation of their country. The picture below shows one such group, who chanted "Save Hayle!" and "Free Hayle now!"

Since Chinese troops first marched into Hayle in 1950, replacing its elected government with a puppet regime run by Chinese officials, the world has, by and large, found it convenient to turn a blind eye. The Hayle spiritual leader, the fundamentalist Methodist Rev. Savonarola Polkinghorne, was forced to flee to Relubbus, where he set up a government-in-exile. Over the years, the Haylor community in Relubbus has been swelled by more and more refugees from the so-called "People's Republic".

At various points along the route, small groups of protesters attempted to seize the torch, but were easily -- and harshly -- beaten off by the torch minders. Despite the loud protestations of the Hayle exiles and their Relubbus allies, it looked as if the procession would pass off without serious inconvenience to the torch bearers.

However, as the procession reached the end of Boswedden Lane, from the track to Hard Struggle farm a herd of of some eighty to ninety Herefords suddenly appeared. Urged on by whoops and firecrackers, they charged wildly into the torch procession, scattering motor cyclists, police and torch minders in every direction.

It was at this moment that the experimental llama herd, mysteriously "appropriated" from the DEFRA research centre at Noongallas, charged from the opposite direction.

At the height of the chaos a small "hit squad" of seven or eight men, rumoured to be from Relubbus rugby club, "mauled" the torch away from its bearer and "rucked" it to waiting hands in the rear, who hastily carried it away. They then set about "liberating" the back-up torches.

Speaking afterwards, the Rev. Polkinghorne said: "Issa vict'ry fer bleddy democracy, 'ass wot a is! Nex' week, when they duh go t' Japan, the buggers ul 'ave uh nother bleddy torch, but ee won't be the real one, an' ee won't be one o' they 'backups', neither. The buggers ul 'ave tuh make a fake un!"

REDRUTH RFC MOVE UP CARN BREA

SPORTS NEWS
by our Rugby Correspondent, "Old Prop"
At a packed public meeting yesterday, Redruth RFC unveiled the design of their exciting new stadium, which is to be built on the slopes of Carn Brea hill. The picture above shows an artist's impression of what the new stadium will look like.

It will be known as the "Trevaskis Stadium", after Long Rock multi-billionaire W.G. Trevaskis, who has donated most of the funding.

However, there was strong opposition to the plans from the four members of the public present, who claimed that the new structure would be an "eyesore" and totally out of keeping with the wild beauty of the hill.

In response, Redruth's Director of Rugby, Denzil Penberthy, claimed that the move to the new stadium was "essential, if us is gonna play in the English Premiership. The Rec. [the Reds' old ground] ain't up to Premiership standards, so us don' 'ave no choice."

The rugby correspondent of the Daily Telegraph, one of many reporters present from the national press, expressed surprise at the slope of the pitch. (There will be a 20-metre drop between the south-east and north-west corners of the pitch.) Mr Penberthy explained that this was quite deliberate. The layout of the pitch, he said, sought to recreate the conditions of the famed "Hell Fire Corner" at the Rec. [The ground slopes away quite markedly towards one corner at the Rec. Ed.]

"Us duh like tuh play down the slope, towards our supporters in 'ell Fire," said Mr Penberthy. "Us jes' thought we'd make 'un a bit steeper, 'as all."

The man from the Telegraph, not to be denied, pointed out that for one half of each game the Reds would have to play uphill, and the advantage would then lie with their opponents.

"'Es, well", said Mr Penberthy, "us'll jes 'ave tuh dig in. 'Sides, us duh 'ave another plan. We's gonta leave some o' they bleddy git granite boulders on the pitch, jes under the grass. 'Course, only us'll knaw where the buggers are. They git Londun jessies'll be bleddy black an' blue by 'alf time!"
RELUBBUS TOP TEN May 2008

1. Old Shep Elvis Presley
2. Brown-eyed 'Ansom Man Buddy Holly
3. Only the Lonely Roy Orbison
4. You Never Can Tell Chuck Berry
5. Waterloo Abba
6. Pretty Flamingo Manfred Mann
7. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band Beatles
8. This Is My Song Petula Clarke
9. A Whiter Shade of Pale Procul Harum
10. San Francisco (Be Sure To Wear Some Flowers In Your Hair) Scott MCKenzie

GYMKHANA WINNER -- A FRAUD!

Ripples of surprise, then dismay, then shock, disturbed the habitual calm of the Relubbus Gymkhana world when the 13-year-old winner of the hunt seat equitation (13-15 year olds), Lucinda Trumpton-Biggsley-Thorpe, on her pony, Trollope, was revealed to be none other than 60-year-old public convenience maintenance operative, Horton Trembath, riding his "favourite four-legger" Alfonso (pictured above).

Simply by wearing a sou'wester and speaking in a (now obviously) suspiciously high-pitched voice, Horton managed to convince the judges that he was a 13-year-old girl. Perhaps even more difficult to explain is the fact that the judges failed to observe that Horton's mount owed a lot more to bovine then equine ancestry.

It then emerged that none of the judges had driven to the event, but all had had to be chauffeured to it because of their poor vision. The chairman of the judges, Mr Jethro Bolitho, pictured on the left, and the only member of the fourteen judges not registered blind (but nonetheless suffering from very poor vision) did claim that he could distinctly perceive some movement when "that girl with the funny voice" came on. "She had to be worth the prize", he said, as he "couldn't see a bleddy thing when they other little maids was supposed to be on their 'osses!"

Outraged parents, all of them sighted, complained when the award was made to Mr Trembath, who, after receiving his prize from the judges, freely confessed to being "the toilet man from Morvah".

Issue 6, 2nd July 2007

BUSH AND PUTIN TO LIVE TOGETHER IN RELUBBUS!

The diplomatic world was stunned yesterday by simultaneous announcements from the Kremlin and the White House that Putin and Bush are seeking to set up home together in Relubbus.

It would seem that occasional one-to-one meetings between the two have led to the chance discovery that they have more in common with one another than they could ever have suspected. This process of mutual discovery has been assisted by the involvement of Relubbus-based diplomat and amateur conductor Horton Nance, of whom more later.

Both men are married, but neither regards this as a serious obstacle to following their hearts’ desire: to live together -- in Relubbus.

Penhaligon’s Estate Agents have been commissioned to find the unlikely couple a hideaway in the environs of Relubbus, which has long been known for its easy tolerance of unusual liaisons. Relubbus is also the home of Horton Nance, who since his 8 year fling with closet African queen, Robert Mugabe, back in the sixties, has had a string of relationships with international leaders.

Nance (93), pictured on the left rehearsing for his next performance at St Johns Hall with the Nancledra Philharmonic, would not be drawn as Roundup reporters quizzed him on his role in this affair.

Despite the fact that the only picture of the couple in Relubbus shows them wearing Nance-designed dressing gowns, the tight-lipped conductor of international affairs simply refused to comment.

The Roundup tried to contact Councillor Billy Spargo, of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council for a comment. However, according to his housekeeper he was unavailable, having "gone up Pendeen to see ‘is Enty, oo’ve bin took bad."


SUGAR "HOPPING MAD" AS RC OATS SURGES AHEAD IN TV RATINGS!

Sir Alan Sugar (left) was described as "hopping mad" after seeing the "The Apprentice" leapfrogged in the ratings by the brand-new Relubbus TV programme "Wanna get on, do ee?", which stars Relubbus entrepreneur RC Oats, who is estimated to have amassed a personal fortune of more than £1,200 over the past 35 years in his Relubbus grocery business.

Oats (known to locals simply as "RC", or "Arsey", depending on how well he is liked by the local in question) has 9 Cornish likelies, who are vying with one another to be his apprentice and thereby win a weekly two figure wage, with 5% off store goods thrown into the bargain.

Oats says of the programme "I kent believe my luck. I got these nine kids workin' 'ere fer nuthin and you can’t get cheaper than that, can ee?"

RC Oats (pictured left) is often portrayed by The Economist, the Western Morning News and the Cornishman as the perfect example of a capitalist success story.

Putting aside the recent News of the World revelations about the nature of Mr Oats’ relationship with his pet ducks, the press have had nothing but good news to report on this one-man economic phenomenon. Oats’ grocery store in Relubbus has, after only 30 years, enjoyed such a run of success that he has been able to open up another store in nearby Ludgvan -- and there is now even talk that he might be opening a third store in Crowlas.

He says, " I got they kids doin' all the jobs I can think of and till this programme is over I don’t have to pay any of ‘em. I tell ee -- it’s a proper job and no mistake!"

The contestants aren’t complaining, as their smiling faces show. From the left are Davey Vinicombe (21) from Rosudgeon, Caleb Tiddy (23) from Trevorgans, Janner "Shorty" Polkinghorne (35) from Penberth, Lydia Rodda (22) from Nantewas, Jimmy Woolcock (24) from Boskenna, Pascoe Ellis (sitting), 29, from Tregiffian, Billy Spargo (31) from Penmennor, with arm round "partner" Jimmy Carkeek (25) from Treave, and Jim Vingoe (26) from Silena.
CAMILLA LOSES IT!

As revealed in the last edition of the Roundup, "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall" (shown left), is actually Lily Nichols, an ex bag-lady from Perranuthnoe, who has succeeded in convincing large sections of the English media that she is an aristocrat.

Always eager to report on successful Cornish entrepreneurs, the Roundup caught up with Lily as she was taking the salute at a passing-out parade at Sandhurst. It was a sunny, breezy morning, and Lily looked every inch the part in an expensively-cut, resplendent black costume and large matching hat.

Her act was going well until, suddenly, a rogue gust of wind blew off her hat. Taken by surprise, Lily momentarily lost her cool. She was distinctly heard to say "Bleddy wind! 'Is like bein' up bleddy Trencrom in a force 9!"

"Camilla"'s aides looked at each other in astonishment: they had never heard such language, in such an accent, issue from her lips. Moments later, however, Lily, the consumate professional, had regained her composure, and all was well.
LOOK OUT, BRANSON -- HERE COMES A CORNISHMAN!
Story by Janner Batten and Picture by Hummy Williams

People from all over Relubbus gathered to see the amazing sight of Douglas Chadder’s attempted balloon flight around the world. Dougie, whose head can be seen emerging from the entrance to the balloon during the pre-flight test, announced with characteristic bravado "I aren’t gonna be beat by they up-country big mouths. Bleddy Branson do think ee’s some smart with is fancy balloon, but ee ebn seen nothin' yet. I’m gonna overtake ee, you see if I don’t."

Unfortunately, Mr Chadder’s attempt at global circumnavigation was thwarted when, failing to gain sufficient height after leaving Relubbus, his basket collided with Billy Peniluna’s amateur radio tower at Marazion. Dismissing this setback as "teething problems" and nursing his bruises, Mr Chadder, undaunted, is already planning his next trip.





Going on holiday? Then go with a Trenwith Caravan! These hand-crafted motor homes all come equipped with a window and lockable door! You can fill it with camp beds, chairs, or whatever you wish, to make that dream holiday an unforgettable experience. The cost is a mere snip at £8,750. For an extra £1,400, a water tank can be fitted and a bucket with chemicals supplied. Yes, we think of everything!! TRENWITH OF RELUBBUS.
ROY ORBISON SPOTTED IN TESCO
By Arts and Entertainment Correspondent Pimble Chicken

The Roundup has received several independent reports, from unimpeachable sources, that the legendary American singer-songwriter, Roy Orbison, was sighted in Relubbus Tesco's last Wednesday. Apparently, Roy, pictured left, is on an unpublicised visit to the UK, during which he is assessing possible venues for a future world tour. Relubbus, it seems, is high on his list.

The popular singer, who is rarely out of the Relubbus Top Ten, was happy to chat with surprised fans who were lucky enough to be in Tesco's that day.

A passing English tourist almost spoilt the party when he asserted that Roy Orbison had died in 1988. This claim produced screams of outrage and horror from the singer's loyal fans, and the unfortunate man was lucky to escape with his life. As he fled, he shouted back over his shoulder "It's a woman in a wig and dark glasses, it's obvious!"

In an unrelated incident on the same day, Relubbus ex-actress and male impersonator Diadora Ponce was forcibly committed to the Barncoose Secure Home for Terminally Confused Ex-Actresses and Male Impersonators.
RELUBBUS TOP TEN June 2007

1. Old Shep Elvis Presley
2. Brown-eyed 'Ansom Man Buddy Holly
3. Only the Lonely Roy Orbison
4. You Never Can Tell Chuck Berry
5. Waterloo Abba
6. Pretty Flamingo Manfred Mann
7. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band Beatles
8. This Is My Song Petula Clarke
9. A Whiter Shade of Pale Procul Harum
10. San Francisco (Be Sure To Wear Some Flowers In Your Hair) Scott MCKenzie
    

Inside the Tibetan Embassy in Relubbus

Continuing our journey around the different foreign embassies in Relubbus, we now take a peek behind the mysterious curtains of the Free Tibetan Embassy. In the centre of the picture on the left, we can clearly see the most illusive face of Mr Lobsang Norbu, here giving us a gracious smile. Mr Norbu hardly ever leaves the embassy compound except under cover of darkness and with a bathtowel over his head. Understandably self-conscious about his unusual looks, Mr Norbu has only once been seen in Tesco’s at Penzance and that was for a fleeting visit to the cash machine.

Saturday evenings at the Tibetan embassy are spent in appreciation of the aged practice of "throat-singing" to the accompaniment of the Piwang (Tibetan violin), here played by Techung Rabsel Takeaway. On the left of the picture -- enthusiastically joining in the throat singing for all she is worth - is Mr Norbu’s wife, the very charming Gonpo.

Gonpo has taken to life in Cornwall with great enthusiasm. She is often seen in the fields around Relubbus, armed with her bow and arrow, out hunting rabbits, whilst practising her throat-singing routines. She is also quite keen on Bingo and the ambassadorial car has often been seen dropping her off outside the Ritz in Penzance.

Free Tibet places great value on its relationship with Relubbus, seeing within it a formidable counterbalance to the growing economic and military might of China.

The Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) has yet to send anyone on diplomatic service abroad. Councillor Billy Spargo today stated "If we duh send anyone out to foreign parts, them lamas will be first on the list!"
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!

THE BATTLE OF THE RIVER PLATE

starring JOHN GREGSON, ANTHONY QUAYLE, and PETER FINCH


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.






Parmenus Jelbart speaks out!

Parmenus Jelbart has been following the Roundup’s occasional articles on the subject of gay rights and, as chairman of the Tregeseal "I Aren’t Queer Society" (IAQS) believes that he has a balanced contribution to make.

Parmenus (pictured left) believes in a productive debate, which takes full account of the opinion of all sides and which seeks to promote a society in which diversity can prosper.

He completely opposes rank homophobia and is a stern advocate of dialogue to advance mutual understanding. In his role of Chairman of the IAQS, he has worked tirelessly to promote better understanding of homosexuality within Tregeseal -- and indeed within St Just as a whole.

As he puts it himself so succinctly, " You kent jes ‘it someone cuz they’re queer. That id’n politically correct, as we duh call it. You gotta talk to un first so they understand jes why they’re gonna get a clout before you can let em ‘ave it."

Parmenus has been nominated for a Diversity Award to be given by the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

Parmenus is also a member of the St Just String Quartet and an enthusiastic member of the St Just New Testament Greek study group.
Swami Bhindra Conumdrum foretells all!

The Roundup’s resident astrologer, the Breton mystic Maurice Labalge, is in hospital following a recent serious and unforeseen accident. The Roundup wishes him well and welcomes the well-known Indian mystic Swami Conumdrum, who, happily but unexpectedly, has stepped in at short notice.

He is the mystic who knows our tomorrows, whose counsel will reduce all our sorrows!
Aries
This month is absolutely tophole for all people born under the sign of the Rum. You always like it things done jaldi jaldi and this month everything is dhotily jaldi. Be wary of a dark man with a curved sword and sign of snake on his arm. Avoid the St Just Kwop this week.

Taurus
Oh! oh! oh! Oh, oh,oh! I am deeply concerned on seeing what is befalling you this month. Do not despair. It is possible that a cure will be found within the next ten years. Until then try to avoid passing any naked flames. Looking on bright side, your venereal disease will completely clear up, leaving just small scars.

Gemini
What an amazing luck is it you have! In your garden in your rear, it is being found great quantities of oil. You have great jollity about this tophole outcome and are naturally desirous to share your good fortune with me as the harbinger of such gladly tidings for you and your widowed mother, who is nearly 90. I do accept cash.

Cancer
Showers of shavings of sandalwood descend from skies upon your head, enveloping you in the heady and intense perfume from that most wondrous tree. This is most necessary as your body odour is beginning to win you unwelcome attention. You should not be so proud of your strong smell. It not manly, only unpleasant. Perhaps goats might find it interesting -- maybe this is what you want. For now, I have saved you with sandalwood.

Leo
Jitnee Lambi Chadar ho Utna hee pair failana Chahina! This mean you should stretch your legs only till the size of your counterpane. You are overspending and you need to save money. Too many chapattis, too much meat -- all this is very bad. I can look after your money for you and give you small cash when you need.

Virgo
Door ke dhol suhavane lagte hain! Put her out of your mind -- she is out of reach for poor man like you. It is not good you think of her when you married with three children. Tighten belt and not be thinking such things.

Libra
You will have strong dreams about it you become ladies hairdresser in Ludgvan. This powerful thought will not let go, although unwise to specialise in coiffures for bald ladies, who will not like the polish idea. This idea good for men, but you should open business in Newlyn for this.

Scorpio
Mrs Hollis comes to offer you some good advice and you will be doing it well to listen it from her. She has strong breath and sound liver. It might be good idea to have sexual relationship with her.

Sagittarius
Sawan ke andhe ko sab hara hi hara nazar aatar hai! Wake up, you must see reality! You have lost your shop, your wife has walked out on you. Your paid lover will not perform for nothing. Your pet monkey has died and the Pendeen bus does not stop outside your house any more! You must pull it yourself together.

Capricorn
This week will see you receive tophole news about receiving many lakhs of rupees very jaldi indeed. You will be mega rich and can now embark on the film career you have always dreamed of, despite your advanced years. So on Monday, go into work, chuck in the job, go home and wait for the money to pile in.

Aquarius
For people under this star sign, this week is unusual in that nothing much happens. Everyone must sometimes have quiet time and this will be a one such time for you. Take full advantage because next week your whole world will be thrown upside down by the sudden death of your loved one. This is a terrible blow from which you will never recover, unless you pay for my help.

Pisces
It is not being good idea to wash feet before going in field! This is sign of silly person. Man Pisces must stop doing this and stop picking nose. Vooman Pisces must stop chatting and chatting too much till I get bad head-ache. This is not tophole. Dhotily good things lie ahead in future but too distant for I see it yet. However cash money to me can help intensify image and make it easy for me to say it this future.
Lonely Hearts
The Roundup is proud to have the opportunity of bringing together those in search of true love and happiness.

From an old-established family of Waziristan exiles living in Paul for the past 150 years, Abdul al Qazir al Gwavas is a young man looking for love. A shy 32-year-old painter and decorator by trade, Abdul has regrettably found that his appearance can be off-putting to the young ladies of Paul and its environs, but he is determined to buck the family trend of sending back to Waziristan for a wife and instead is looking for a local Muslim woman of good Cornish stock.

Abdul’s interests are playing the xylophone, the Sun crossword and breeding frogs and toads. He has also been runner-up for the last 13 years in the Mousehole marbles championship. Abdul is keen that interested young women should understand that he will require them to stay covered up all the time -- even in his presence and especially in the shower or bath -- even after marriage. On the plus side, this means that he has no preference as to looks as he will never see his wife. This is clearly an opportunity for the plug-ugly, so get writing to Box 4562.

Rosezina Cock, 26, of Landrivick Road, Pendeen is a sweet retiring maiden, who seeks a man with a good heart. Pictured here with her imaginary dog, Griffles, Rosezina leads a quiet life with her widowed mother, Kitty.

Rosezina has a part-time job at a nearby dairy farm, but her income is supplemented by state benefits. A firm believer in the virtues of telepathy as opposed to actual speech, she has not spoken since the age of 7, preferring instead to growl with meaning.

At her Gunwalloe boarding school for children with profound learning difficulties, she has picked up some writing skills and is in the habit of leaving notes for those who can’t pick up the telepathy or understand the growls. She is very fond of Fry’s Turkish Delight, fried breakfasts (though she can’t cook yet), the Shipping Forecast, and Emmerdale. She enjoys Blow Football. Box 5698

Simon Retallack (17), a wooden ventriloquist’s dummy from Crows an Wra, has grown tired of spending nights alone in a suitcase. He would like to meet a female wooden artefact or vent’s dummy, if there is one in the West Penwith area, for what he describes as "funsome fwolics after a few gottles". Simon does not discriminate and would be happy to meet human females, as well as dummies, provided that they are not fat or ugly and don’t mind the suitcase. Box 3481

Ambrose Pollard is a 51 year old single man looking to connect. A teacher by profession, Ambrose is deeply conscious of his professional duties and always wears his mortar board to keep a visible reminder before others and himself of his role in society. He is in charge of the reception class at Ludgvan Primary School. His hobbies are his train set, his mouth organ, and his 23 whippet dogs, who share his home with him at present.

Ambrose has no experience with the opposite sex and also assures us that he has had no experience with the same sex. He is deeply defensive about the nature of his relationship with his dogs, but says "I do love them all, bless them!".

Believing that now is the time to deepen his social interaction with non-canines, Ambrose waits to hear from you at Box 2381.

SPORTS NEWS

VICKERY SACKED BY RELUBBUS RFC!

Former England captain Phil Vickery has been sacked by Relubbus RFC -- only weeks after joining the club from London Wasps!

As reported in this organ a few weeks back, the World Cup-winner was recruited to boost Relubbus's ambitious plans to progress from Cornwall League 2, in which they currently play, to European Cup winners within five years.

Besides recruiting Vickery, and many more star names, multi-millionaire backer Dicky Penwallet has upgraded the Relubbus stadium to Premiership standards, with a new stand that can hold upwards of 30 people, and a state-of-the-art floodlight powered by a wind turbine on Treluglas moor. Yesterday Penwallet was tight-lipped, saying only that Vickery had left the club "on amicable terms".

The incumbent of the tighthead prop position before Vickery arrived, Joe Tregeagle (48), is expected to regain his place in the team. The 4 foot 11, 7 stone veteran said: "We 'ad a pre-season friendly with Roseland. When Vickery saw that git Roseland pack 'ee went pale and wet 'isself. Five minutes later 'eed 'ad all 'ee cud 'andle."

The "Raging Bull" was unavailable for comment yesterday.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• WAR LOOMS: SITUATION TENSE ON HAYLE BORDER

• POLITICAL SCOOP: GEORGE AND SPARGO IN SLANGING MATCH!
  

• Mozart alive and well -- and living in Relubbus!

• Roy Orbison spotted in KWIKSAVE!
  

• A visit to the Japanese Embassy in Relubbus

• Our socially-responsible Lonely Hearts column
  

• YOUR STARS, with Japanese mystic Yamada Taro
  

• And much, much more!