CAMILLA PRESENTS CULTURAL VANDALISM AWARDS

Lily Nichols, the ex-bag lady from Perranuthnoe, reprised her familiar role of the mythical English aristocrat, the soi-disant "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall", on Wednesday, when she presented the annual National Cultural Vandalism Awards, sponsored by the Department of the Environment and English Heritage. (It's amazing to us that the English press haven't cottoned on to Lily yet. They still seem to believe that "the Duchess of Cornwall" is a real person! Ed.)

Presenting the awards at English Heritage's South Western headquarters in Bristol yesterday, "Camilla" announced the winner of the prestigious "Vandal of the Year" award to be none other than -- English Heritage!

In her speech, the "Duchess" praised EH for its "crass ignorance and arrogance in ignoring the depth of resentment in Cornwall about Cornish Celtic and pre-Celtic sites being administered by an unelected body calling itself "English Heritage", under a banner based on the red-and-white flag of England".

It was to honour just such insensitivity that the National Cultural Vandalism awards had been instigated, she said.

The award itself is a headdress in the form of a Christian halo, and the awards ceremony involves the presenter removing the halo from her own head and placing it on the head of the recipient. Lily is shown above, wearing the award before the ceremony.

In response to the award, EH South West's Chief Administrative Officer, Mr Kyron Bunt, said that he was proud that the organization's role in erasing the distinctive culture of small nations had been recognized.

The Duchess announced the joint winners of the runners-up prize to be the local artists responsible for removing the "English rose" symbol from hundreds of brown tourist signs, throughout Cornwall.

In second place, the vandalised "English rose" road sign

ENGLISH HERITAGE ADMIT MISTAKES

BUT REQUIRE LOCAL HELP TO PUT THINGS RIGHT

To their credit, English Heritage have finally taken on board the depth of resentment in Cornwall about Cornish Celtic and pre-Celtic sites being administered by an unelected body calling itself "English Heritage", under a banner based on the red-and-white flag of England.

Speaking at EH's South Western headquarters in Bristol yesterday, EH South West's Chief Administrative Officer, Mr Kyron Bunt, admitted:

"We got it wrong. It was a crass error to annex Cornish Celtic sites in the name of English heritage, and we apologize profusely. As evidence of our regret and good intentions, we intend to redesign our Cornish logo and flag. In future, instead of the standard red-and-white English Heritage emblem, in Cornwall only we shall be using a new design, based on the flag of St Piran.

The newly designed English Heritage flag for Cornwall, flying at Launceston Castle

"Unfortunately, due to budget and manpower restraints, we won't be able to replace the signs, logos, and flags at all our Cornish sites immediately. In fact, it could take several years.

"For this reason, we are asking the Cornish public to assist us. Please help us by overwriting the old, red-and-white English Heritage logo, wherever you find it, with the new, "St Piran" version. While you're about it, it would also be a good idea to replace the "English rose" logo that occurs on many road signs that point to tourist destinations. On metal surfaces such as road signs, you will find black and white enamel paints very useful for this purpose.

The recommended way to amend "English rose" road signs

"The other items we need to replace, in Cornwall, are the old-design flags. Again, our limited budget prevents us from doing this in a timely fashion. We would be most grateful, therefore, if members of the public could donate St Piran flags, and replace the old flags with these. This would be a very worthwhile donation to Cornish heritage."

The Roundup salutes the management of English Heritage for its humility, courage, and foresight and strongly encourages all readers to help as much as they can with the re-branding exercise in Kernow. Why wait?? Why not start this week?? Why not start today??

NEW ENGLISH HERITAGE FLAG FOR CORNWALL

By Cultural and Dublin Correspondent Dean Swift

At a press conference at its South West headquarters in Bristol yesterday, English Heritage proudly unveiled the new logo and flag to be used at its sites throughout Cornwall.

Press Officer Ms Zara Windsor was at pains to point out that the new logo and flag would be used only at EH's Cornish sites. They were, she said, emblematic of the special relationship that EH has with Cornwall and the Cornish people.

The new logo, shown on the left, is designed to reflect the prime aims of English Heritage in Cornwall, as set out by government statute. These are:

• To contribute to the Anglicanisation of Cornwall
• To reinforce the achievements of the educational syllabus in denying Cornish children a knowledge of their history
  
• To demonstrate the ignorance and petty imperialism of London-based English politicians
• By suggesting that English history and Cornish history are synonymous, to disguise the colonization of Cornwall, the historical massacres of Cornish civilians, and the suppression of the Cornish language
  
• To airbrush the Cornish out of history
  

Ms Windsor said that the new logo, combining a schematic representation of the red-and-white English flag with the traditional symbol of racial superiority, perfectly encapsulated what English Heritage sought to achieve in Cornwall.

The picture below shows the new flag being flown at Chysauster Iron Age village, which was occupied by Celtic people between about 100 B.C. and 300 A.D.

The new English Heritage flag flying at Chysauster

Editorial, by THE THUNDERER

Spot on, EH!
Editor Sylvanus Penhaul applauds English Heritage's frankness

The new English Heritage logo (solely for use in Cornwall) is a masterpiece of early 21st century design, effortlessly portraying at a glance EH's true remit for Cornwall.

Cornish folk have long complained of their Celtic and pre-Celtic historical sites being appropriated by a body representing English heritage, beneath a banner based on the red-and-white "butcher's apron" of England.

Up to now, EH have denied that a problem exists -- dismissing protestors as cranks, feigning not to understand their arguments, and on occasion causing them to be prosecuted, fined, and threatened with imprisonment.

Now at last EH have come clean: the cultural imperialism is plain for all to see. Their frankness, at least, is to be applauded.
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'CHYSAUSTER IS NUCLEAR BASE' CLAIM

English Heritage Cover blown!
By international correspondent Horton Tregarthen

Primed missile silos at Chysauster

It is rumoured that international spy networks have moved into Keneggy Country Hotel at Gulval, following foreign press reports that English Heritage have been conning the Cornish public for decades at Chysauster Ancient Village.

Speculation has been rife in Penzance for years that there are nuclear bunkers and missile silos under the hut circles at the site.

That the speculation was indeed correct was finally established by a Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) fact-finding committee, led by chairman Billy Spargo, that visited the Chysauster site. The Roundup has it on good authority that the secret aim of the committee is to increase the GRUC's nuclear armaments, as a "defensive" move in the border dispute with the People's Republic of Hayle.

Apparently Billy's niece, local reporter Tryphena Spargo-Spargo, has been courting the Chysauster admissions steward (Clarence Trezelah, 94) for 23 years and he told her that part of the admissions steward's duties, laid down by English Heritage, is to secure each warhead at night, in case of break-ins by various gangs from Badger's Cross. From these comments by Clarence during their hand-in-hand walks along the Prom on Sunday evenings, Tryphena was able to pass on information to her Uncle Billy.

Ms Spargo-Spargo suddenly found herself with a scoop on her hands, but was unable to publish it, because no English newspaper would touch it! Each mealy-mouthed organ cited "the Official Secrets Act". ('Why did she not come to the Roundup?', you may ask. Why indeed? Perhaps she will know better in future. Ed) Thus the story first appeared in the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt. It was soon taken up by other German-language newspapers, eventually resulting in the arrival of the spies in Gulval.

We believe that Mr Spargo has made contact with the spy networks, with a view to working together to obtain nuclear material "to sort out that bleddy lot down Hayle".

Chysauster site with Mounts Bay in the background

Clarence Trezela instructing Billy Spargo how to arm a warhead

English Heritage declined to comment and have closed admission to the village.

GRUC have provisionally indicated to Relubbus residents that their Council Tax will rise this year by 1,000,000%, but that they should feel a lot safer with handy-sized nuclear weapons pointing at Hayle.

Clarence Trezela has disappeared from the area.