MORGAWR HERALDS AUSPICIOUS YEAR FOR CORNWALLl!!

The Morgawr has been sighted off Lands End and also at various points around Falmouth all this week.

Throughout Cornish history sightings of this fabled Cornish sea monster (pictured here in one of the earliest photographs from 1573) have always betokened auspicious events for the land of Kernow.

In particular, sightings of the so-called 'bespectacled Morgawr', which can grow up to 200 feet in length, are said to portend good things for the state of Relubbus.

This is perhaps just as well since 2011 is already shaping up to be an interesting year in which Relubbus begins to punch its full weight on the international stage.

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader, Billy Spargo (129) is back from his Christmas break, spent as usual in his luxury caravan (pictured) with his mother at Long Rock.

Fully relaxed after a week uninterrupted by international political considerations, he is now set on deploying the full economic and military might of Relubbus for the betterment of other nations.

First up in his sights is Russian Prime Minister and would-be gay pin-up, Vladimir Putin, whose crude old-style KGB bullying has blighted and stunted the post-Soviet development of Russia.

Putin is a crude crowbar autocrat, who curiously publishes semi-nude pictures of himself in a vain attempt to appeal to the members of the gay S&M scene of which he is so fond.

Putin has now drawn the opprobrium of all civilised nations for his Stalinist show trials of innocent mega-multibillionnaire Mikhail Khordokovsky, whose only crime was his refusal to bend before Putin.

Before being led back to his icy cell in Siberia, a defiant Khordokovsky called out that you can only get on in today's Russia if you are one of Putin's benders.

Spargo's first bold lightning strike was to expel all 295 Russian diplomats from Relubbus, to close down the embassy and to have the embassy site (pictured) bulldozed and turned into a mini-golf course for kiddies.

The dazed Russian diplomats were packed into Western National buses yesterday morning en route to Porthleven, where rowing boats awaited them for the long pull back to the port of St Petersburg.  The journey will take a little longer than normal as all the oars were removed from the boats.

The new mini-golf course was opened this morning by singing star, Roy Orbison.

In Moscow, a fleet of Ford Anglia Tenerifes whisked the 8 Relubbus diplomats away from Moscow and over the Finnish border before the Russians knew what was happening.

In a special move to punish Putin where it would hurt most, Spargo has also placed a Cornish travel embargo on the Putins.

The Russian Prime Minister and his wife Brian have a secret holiday dacha (now confiscated) in Toltuff Road, Penzance and like nothing better than to breeze up and down Market Jew Street, before entering their beloved Simpsons of Penzance, which has kitted them both out ever since Putin has had access to hard currency.

Spargo's second big international initiative is to announce that he has given the go ahead for the construction of a huge wooden bridge between Relubbus and Britanny.  This bold construction project will create the largest road and rail bridge in the world.  A photo of a much scaled down prototype is shown on the left.

In each direction there will be a 12 lane motorway  and four rail tracks.

At 10 mile intervals, there will be a motorway service island, each providing rest and retail opportunities for up to 10,000 cars and their occupants.  In Relubbus, the bridge will rise on what is now farmland next to Terminal 12 of the Relubbus International Airport.  In Britanny, it will come down at Landrellec beach.

The eye-catching bridge will rise quickly to a height of 400 feet so that shipping can easily pass underneath.

The sides of the bridge will be formed of embankments rising to a height of 60 feet and will be laid to lawns and gardens  so that no one gets dizzy at such a height. The embankments will also create a natural and comfortable bridge for wildlife to cross the channel in peace and quiet.

The roads and rail will be heated in winter so that they do not freeze and ducts will carry rainwater down to the sea through turbines, which will generate some of the power needed to run the services.

The rest of the power will be generated by wind turbines interspersed along the length of the bridge.

The building consortium of Oates & Trevaskis has stated that the work will commence in mid March and that it is expected to be fully completed by the end of April in time for the summer traffic.

The huge work force for this futuristic entirely wooden construction is said to include some 67 carpenters alone, together with two electricians and one plumber.

Contracts have been the subject of fierce competition, but we can announce that the winner of the hotly-contested hairdressing contract for the project has just been anounced to be Shelley's of St Just.

The ROUNDUP would like to wish all our readers a HAPPY NEW YEAR and we hope that both of them will enjoy good health and wealth the whole year through.

SPECIAL BILLY SPARGO EDITION

This week the Roundup looks at the central figure in the political, administrative, literary and social life of Relubbus.

The much celebrated Councillor Billy Spargo (129), shown here smiling for the camera as he sits at his work, is the ever youthful Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

Generations of people in Relubbus have grown up knowing no other leader in this proud independent state.   But few know the man behind the name and behind the statesman.

Accordingly, in this first part of a planned 9,675 part serialisation about the greatest man in Relubbus, we take a look at the human being behind the name.   This week we look at the Ladies' man.

Spargo is an honest man of the soil and only decided to go into politics after strong encouragement to do so from his Enty May and also from Queen Victoria and the then Pope. 

This tradition of support continues today as can be seen from this photo  of the present day Queen and Pope emerging gratefully from a recent audience they were granted with Councillor Billy Spargo. 

There were rumours about Spargo and Victoria and there have been rumours down the decades about the closeness of his relationship with royal ladies ever since.

Spargo is a man of regular and spartan habits.  He prides himself on taking a bath annually, although he abhors the use of soap as being something completely unnatural.  As he correctly points out, "There iddenuthin bout soap in the Garden of Eden, izza?!"

Despite the comparative rarity of this bathing event, there are 7 'Ladies of the bathchamber', whose job it is to ensure that the sundry deposits built up over the year are removed from the surface and various crevices of Councillor Spargo's body.

As you would only expect, there is great competition amongst the women of Relubbus for the signal honour of of being one of the chosen few.  There is an annual draw and thousands of hopefuls put their names forward, but only 7 are chosen.

The picture is of the current ladies of the bathchamber, who are, from the left, Lucy Trembath (23), Betsy Angwin (32), Agnes Trevorrow (62) with, behind her, Tamsin Chirgwin (39), Loveday Baragwaneth (21), Pammie Polkinghorne (29) and Linda Addicoat (40). 

Said spokeswoman Agnes, "'Sworth every minnut!  Ee's a real man, we ebbent nevver seen nuthin like it!  You'd nevver bleeve ee was 129 - more like 29.  Kept all o' we 'appy!"

One of the special rewards that go along with the honour is the right to bottle and sell the health-giving water in which the great man has bathed.  The claims made for the water are many.  It is reputedly a cure for the common cold, for hair loss, for problems 'down below', for flatulence and for 'feelinabit queer'.

Spargo's history with the ladies is the stuff of legend.  His reputed conquests range from Mrs Wallis Simpson (wife of King Edward VIII, not a lady of the family that owns the famous Penzance store!) to Mrs Rachele Mussolini, Ms Eva Braun, Mrs Jackie Kennedy, Madame Sarkozy, Helen Mirren and Mrs Lyudmila Putin.

Spargo has been married several times and has had many affairs, despite his punishing 18 hour day toiling for the people of Relubbus on Council business.  Members of the public may be wondering who might now be his current squeeze.

The Roundup can exclusively reveal that it is none other than intoxicatingly beautiful young Araminta Pengelly (23), a checkout operator from Long Rock.

Araminta, who attended Relubbus Comprehensive School and left with distinctions in advanced knitting, manicure and leafing through popular magazines, is trying to keep a low profile, as revealed by the picture on the left from a recent photoshoot. 

Araminta, a girl of few words, did coyly confess to looking forward to having her first Spargolet.  You read it here first!

Next week, we will be looking at Spargo, the man of letters.

CONTROVERSY OVER PLANS FOR MARAZION BEACH DEVELOPMENT

A firestorm of controversy has broken out over plans to develop the beach from Long Rock to Marazion and turn it into a Multifactional Communist Theme Park.

The idea is the brainchild of one Loopy Potts, a reckless hedge fund manager and all round arsehole from London with a second home in Portreath, who describes himself as "Your average dialectical materialism junkie, but perhaps with a greater leaning towards the Feuerbach than the Hegel".

An impassioned admirer of past Communist despots, he alighted on the idea of converting this Cornish beach into a Gulag, offering forced labour and re-education and other funtime activities round the clock for all ages. 

His idea would be to have a Marxist-Leninist section for those who prefer their communism unadulterated, as well as a specialist Maoist secton for those who prefer Chinese takeaways.

Bewildered Potts-watchers were amazed to hear of this latest plan, given the failure of his multi-million pound Stalinist holiday camp in Camborne. 

However, although Potts has lost pots of money, it seems that help is on the way from a most unlikely source.

A mystery Japanese backer (known only as a Mr Tojo) has offered to go 50/50 on the costs with Potts, if he will agree to balancing up left wing with right wing opinion by having a Sarah's Mad Hatter's section themed on the beliefs and following of his favourite hunting, shooting, fishing and knitting Nazi, Sarah Paling-into-insignificance.

Sarah has become something of a totem for the so-called Tea Party in the USA.  This is a mad collection of rabid right wing nutters and Christian fundamentalists, who share a common hatred of what might be termed 'the state', since, quite naturally, any responsible state would put them all into very secure homes.

The Tea Party takes its name from the chaotically anarchic practices, which characterised the Mad Hatter's Tea Party in Alice in Wonderland.

Sarah's popularity remains high amongst the rabid rightists of the Tea Party despite her unfortunately early descent into Alzheimerland.  Sadly the poor woman now has to write everything down on her hand, if she is to remember it.

However, Mr Tojo still has the hots for Sarah and the necessary yen for Potts and so, at this point, it looks as though the development might go forward.

The project has naturally caused controversy and this has attracted the attention of Synthetic Sylvia (so called because of the amount of plastic skilled Relubbus surgeons have employed to preserve her exterior), the amazing 154-year-old mother of the Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), Councillor Billy Spargo (124).

Mrs Spargo, shown here coming home from shopping at Morrisons is not at all happy about the proposed development and will be bringing her considerable influence to bear on the situation.

"I didden bleeve it when I 'eard bowt thissere plan fer ovver Long Rock!  I arn dappy, I kin tellee!  I used tuh tek Boy Billy ovver there tuh play all them years ago annit should be jessussame fer kiddies now!  We duh wunt nunnathey bleddy silly Commnist Theme Parks downere.  Annass fer that there Sarah Wassername, goin roun dunnup like sum fancy woman, we aren't avvin nunnathat 'ere. 'Spectable people rownere we are!"

Mrs Spargo told the Roundup that she would be having serious words with her son and that, if he didn't put an immediate stop to all this nonsense, he would not be allowed to go on the Sunday School Treat and would have to go to bed without any tea.

DIRE WARNING FOR THE WORLD

Reclusive hedge-fund manager, Nathaniel Polkinghorne of Nancegollan (45) has acquired a reputation - and huge wealth - for always being right.

For many years, Nathaniel was  a bus driver on long distance routes such as that from Penzance to Helston.

These long journeys gave him time to ruminate, and then expound, on many a challenge facing the world.  Unable to keep his opinions to himself, he often used to park the bus and, keeping the doors locked, give unsolicited lectures to his captive audience, sometimes for several hours.

Such lectures were not always appreciated by his passengers and some even took it upon themselves to instruct Polkinghorne to 'button it' or, in local parlance, "shut yer bleddy cakole and git the bus goinagen".  When he spoke of the world financial order, some challenged him to put his money where his mouth was.

So it was that, at the age of 40, Nathaniel boldly entered the world of investment to do just that.  A mere five years later and he was a megamultibillionnaire with his own caravan over Long Rock and a brand new Ford Anglia (shown left) parked up outside.  He achieved his wealth by always 'calling it right'.

Loaded as he is with his new-found wealth, he is now seldom seen at Morrison's, leaving his mother to undertake the weekly shopping alone. (" I duh always pay my 'alf towardsun like!")

He stays at home with his mother, neglecting his sumptuous Long Rock bachelor's pad.  He rarely emerges to dispense wisdom to the lesser sort.

Thus it was unusual when he called a press conference. This was attended by scores of eager reporters, some of whom came from as far away as Bude to listen to him.

When all were seated, as he had requested, he spoke and, in so doing, struck a truly sombre note.

Reminding his audience that he had famously never been wrong about anything, he announced that, whilst he had no desire to cause global panic, he felt compelled to share his now certain knowledge that  every single person upon the face of the earth was going to die.  There would be no exceptions.  Everyone - literally everyone - was going to die.  An awed chill silence filled the room.

He looked his audience in the eye and coldly stated that everyone, after a mere 150 years, would be no more.  He then turned and left.

In less than half an hour, copies of his speech had been printed and were being rushed around the whole of Cornwall and Relubbus.

Said paper boy, Charlie Clemo (7) of Portreath "Eedthink ee's sum bleddy smart, eedoo.  I cuddatolun that, daffbugger!"

Could Clemo be the new Polkinghorne?

LONG ROCK COUPLE CELEBRATE 35 YEARS OF MARRIED BLISS

Ethel and Madron Batten (both 56) are Long Rock born and bred and very proud of it, as indeed they are also hugely proud of the fact that neither of them has ever been further than 5 miles from Long Rock. As Madron says “there’s no place better, not even Trura, although I ebbent bin there!”

Proud of their Long Rock origins, Ethel likes, for obvious reasons, to keep quiet the fact that her great grandmother came from St Buryan. “She was orright really, bless ‘er soul. She couldn’t ‘elp it, could she? Some one ‘aev got to come from Burryan.”

Ethel makes wigs “fer bald ‘orses” and works from the comfort of the marital home, which is a handcrafted and lovingly maintained shed by the hedge in the field behind the house in Darlington Road with a swimming pool.

Madron is a proud man, who claims never to have taken a penny from the ‘soshul’ and has held down a wide range of jobs, from Lollipop man to pet shop owner to part-time scarecrow and air traffic controller (we are checking this last claim – Ed).

The much-loved couple are regarded as the social glue of Long Rock Society with Ethel being a mainstay of the local WI and acting as resident jam and cake judge for over 24 years.

For his part, Madron has held the title of ‘Mouse breeder of West Cornwall’ for forty years and he is known for always having a mouse or two secreted about his person. He calls the females “Kitty”, which he thinks is very witty, whilst all the males are known as “Little Willy”.

Madron had been the local Father Christmas for 30 years until his ill-advised proposal to offer extra sweeties to the kiddies, if they could find his “Little Willy”. Despite the widely accepted innocence of this idea, it was agreed that it was now perhaps high time time for the red coat to be handed on.

Incurious about life further up Cornwall, the blessed duo have no knowledge or interest in anything which takes place outside West Cornwall, let alone Cornwall itself or beyond Cornwall. Says Ethel, “Long Rock’s enough fer we and Ludgvan itself is almost too much!”

Two years ago they won a holiday to California but they gave it way. Says Madron, “We aren’t interested in Californee. P’zance is as far as wot we wunta go. We went there fer ar huneemum one afternoon 35 years ago. I got dizzy jes lookin at everythin’. We ad to come ‘ome in the evening as I couldn’ take no more."

Holding hands for the camera, this loving Long Rock couple declared that they were now well set for the next 35 years.

RELUBBUS POLICE FOIL DASTARDLY ATTEMPT ON LEADER'S LIFE!

Kommandant Kolin Klemo (62) of the Kreslu Kernewek Kemmyn, pictured here in typically grim-faced pose, has once more saved the day by uncovering and foiling a devilish plot by the Bonnetti gang to assassinate the leader, Billy Spargo, 94, of the Greater Relubbus Urban District Council (GRUC).

Kommandant Klemo is an enigmatic character. After frequent early brushes with the law as a youngster, no misdemeanor was ever proven. Despite his having once been apprehended half way up a drainpipe outside the girls’ shower room at West Cornwall School for Girls at 9.00 pm one Friday evening, his explanation that he was ‘looking for bats’ was accepted by the presiding magistrate, Aristotle Klemo.

He later applied to join the elite Cornish-speaking unit of the Relubbus police, Kreslu Kernewek Kemmyn, and, in a period of just twenty years, shot to the top of this six man hand-picked squad in the Relubbus police. His exposure of the Bonnetti plot to kill is yet another in a long line of achievements.

The Bonnetti gang turn out to be a group of three cut-throat desperadoes, whose base is a lock-up garage on the Long Rock Industrial Estate. All three are Cornish born and bred but are not related. They have acquired the name ‘Bonnetti’ simply because of their taste in headgear. Their names can be revealed as:

Marcus Pengwidden (23), is a qualified window fitter, who somehow simply fell ‘by the wayside’. Formerly a regular attender at Mount St Methodist Church in Penzance and an enthusiastic member of the Chyandour handbell ringing club, Marcus began his descent into the netherworld of the West Cornish criminal fraternity by picking up cigarette butts on the Prom. This later led to pilfering cigarette packs from the RC Oates Superstore.

This, together with his habit of wearing a ‘man’s bonnet’, brought him to the attention of the second member of the gang:

Tristan ‘Broccoli’ Tregear (32) has worn a bonnet ever since he was a baby. He regards the wearing of a hood as ‘uncool’ and believes that Cornish criminals should develop their own unique sense of identity and dress code.

The fetching red bonnet he wears in this picture was lovingly made for him by his mother, Brenda, a one-legged school dinner lady at Humphry Davy School.

Tristan’s disruptive school career passed seamlessly into a steady stream of aimless small-time petty crime (including nicking broccoli for sale to his relatives) until he came to the attention of the ring-leader of the gang:


Madron ‘Bare Hands’ Trembath (49) of Colinsey Road, Penzance is a reprobate with a long history of criminal acts and a predilection for wearing a black ‘man’s bonnet’.

After a brief and unsuccessful apprenticeship as a ‘junior’ at Sally’s Hairdressing in Parade Street, Penzance, where he lost his job for stealing hair colourants, he coasted into a lifestyle of casual crime, which led to hardcore burglary, GBH and Robbery with Violence.

He took to wearing a bonnet – originally in pink – in his days with Sally, as she felt it would help him ‘blend in’ more easily in the overwhelmingly female world of ladies’ hairdressing. Having got used to the comfort of a bonnet, he decided to continue to wear a manly black colour when he left Sally’s.

Like finds like and it was inevitable that the three bonnet-wearing criminals should, sooner or later, come across one another and work together. Thus it was that, just three years ago, the Bonnetti gang was formed over a cup of coffee in the Wimpy Bar Penzance.

The revered, but somewhat eccentric, GRUC leader Billy Spargo (92) is known to travel from his official residence to the Council chamber each day – naked in all weathers - upon his beloved motorised push bike, which he leaves parked outside his house all night.

Klemo’s men caught the Bonnetti gang staking out Spargo’s home and pounced when they saw chief desperado Trembath tinkering with the brakes. Threatened by the six burly coppers of the Kreslu Kernewek, Trembath and the others gave themselves up without a fight and just the words “Issa fair cop!”

The next day, despite a bracing wind and a cutting sleety rain, Councillor Spargo emerged wearing nothing but his helmet, mounted his bike without a word, and, statesman that he is, proceeded to work as if nothing had happened.

ADVERTISEMENTS

LET ME MAKE MONEY FOR YOU!!
Says Relubbus Hedge Fund Manager, Bernie “The Bung” Ripoff

Bernie Ripoff came to Relubbus as a poor economic migrant from Chelsea, a rougher part of London, many years ago. Since then this dazzling magician of the money markets has conjured up a vast fortune for himself (he drives a Ford Anglia with a special 2 litre engine!).

Now he is offering all of you a chance to share in his financial fortunes by buying into his new fund, “Thrift and Theft’. Speaking exclusively to the Roundup from his luxury apartments at the Long Rock Station Railway Coach park, Ripoff said, “Making money in the markets is like taking candy from a baby. It’s like a little theft. So I couldn’t resist using the name in my new fund!”

Ripoff is inviting contributions from as little as 50 pence up to as much as £500,000,000 per person (the maximum since “the punters mustn’t be greedy”, he says). All monies received are invested in his Thrift and Theft Fund, which is guaranteed to bring a return of 500% (after 150 years) to all contributors and their heirs.

Investors are asked to bring cash only and to form an orderly and quiet queue outside Mr Ripoff’s Railway Carriage (the one with windows) on Monday morning at the crack of dawn at around 11.30 am.

SAMPLE THE RED INDIAN LIFE AT ZENNOR!

Chief Dougie “Running Deer” Blewett invites the good folk of West Penwith to sample the true Indian lifestyle at his reservation on Tregeagle farm, Zennor.

Says the Big Chief himself, “We duh offer the real life Indian experience ‘ere an’ you doan ‘ave tuh gw'ovver to Amerikee tuh git ‘a’ bit taste ovun!”

Mr Blewett, a Methodist lay preacher and farmer at Zennor for many years, got a book out of Penzance Library on ‘Red Injun’ life and has opened up the reservation in his back field to help supplement the farm income.

“People what duh com ‘ere get tuh live in one o they teepees fer a night er two and t’ eat a bitta fox. We don’t give they non o’ that firewater stuff, as this ‘ere is a good Methodist ‘ouse’old."

Amusements include a bow and two arrows, chicken feathers galore for headdresses and a little wood for a fire on cold nights. Everything else must be supplied by the guests themselves, who can “make a reservation at the reservation” for just £175 per person per night. Just ‘phone Zennor 495.

WOULD YOU LIKE A NEW JOB IN COMPUTING??

Tremethick Cross Computation offers you a chance to enter the high-tech world of computing and find a job which pays well (£1.71 an hour or an amazing £143.64 per week for a normal 12 hour day seven day week, producing lifetime earnings of approaching £450,000 for the full 60 years!) and sets you up to share in the magical mysteries of the computer age.

Computing is a 24 hour phenomenon and staff are required to work 12 hour shifts. As shown in the picture, there is a men’s section and a women’s section. However, following modern conventions, the one toilet is Unisex (ladies are accordingly asked to lift the lid back up after use!!).

Eat a hearty meal before you come! There is no canteen, since the 3 minute mid-shift break does not really allow much time for eating. That won’t bother you though, since you will be in the queue for the toilet, the automated doors of which close after the 3 minute break.

The generous holiday package includes 1 free Saturday in 7 and offers a further 4 FREE days each year for you to use as you wish (this rises to 5 days after 45 years)

There is a also a compulsory contributory pension scheme, which is managed for Tremethick Cross Computation by Bernie Ripoff. Each employee is required to contribute £100 per week to the scheme, which will result in their receiving (only after completion of 60 years’ contributions) a generous annual pension of £94 payable for as long as you live.

Apply in writing to Mr RJ Polkinghorne, Taskmaster, Tremethick Cross Computations.
Note: For religious reasons, applications from persons with a legal background will not be enetertained!!

YOUNG PEOPLE OF RELUBBUS - GET YOUR MONO HERE!

Picture it now – you are motoring down fashionable Boswedden Lane – the car is at full throttle, whilst you achieve an effortless 13 and a half miles per hour – your passenger slips a gramophone record on to the player and your favourite music is blaring out at 7 decibels, attracting attention from all passers-by, who simply stare – jaw-dropped – as you pass by.

Forget Stereo, your car is equipped with MONO – a single ear trumpet (fitted to the running board) that bellows out sound so that you can hear it even at speeds in excess of 10 miles per hour !!

The passing public will hear it too and think that you are a top hole - not to say spiffing - sort of chap!!

MONO can be fitted to your car by Tonkins of Paul (and Sheffield) for a mere £14,500.

PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR 2008

By our celebrity and psychiatric correspondent, Professor Doktor Heinrich Pfeifentabak

The Professor Doktor is renowned as a therapist (NOT, he insists, as "the rapist”), who provides much needed help to the fragile egos of the rich and famous, who can afford his, frankly exorbitant, fees.

It is therefore no surprise that his clientele is drawn from such hotbeds of affluent celebrity as the Pacific Palisades, Hollywood and Bel Air in Los Angeles, as well as from the even more upmarket Boswedden Lane in Relubbus, Pengersick Lane in Germoe, and the sumptuous beachside villas of Praa Sands.

In this article, he draws on his intimate acquaintance with the world of celebrity to give his ‘top tips’ on the contenders for this year’s “Personality of the Year” Award, which is presented by the committee of the Relubbus Lesbian Underwater Knitters’ and Wrestlers’ Association.

Insiders will not be surprised at the Professor’s first choice, which is that of the ‘Marazion Bookends’, a gay Marazion couple, who have made enormous strides – and sacrifices – to further the physical practice of gay love, which they have made available to the general public in their Christmas book from Long Rock Publications entitled “What’s your bent? The Third Sex – in our own words”.

The pair, Leonard Cock (51) on the left and Dick Head (48) on the right, are both butchers, who met whilst attending a seven month “Know your meat” course at the St Buryan Higher Institute Fer Meat Slicing and Sausage-making four years ago. Says Leonard, “It was love at first sight. As soon as I’d seen ov un, I knew ‘ee was the one!”.

Dick was even more direct in his words, which, for legal reasons, cannot be reproduced here.

Professor Pfeifentabak says, “Zeir exact mapping of ze precise topography of same-sex matings defies belief. If you put zis togezzer viz ze astounding quality of zeir pork sausages, you must be on a vinner!”

There is little doubt in the correctness of Pfeifentabak’s selection for bravest politician of the year. Sylvia Burlesque-Only’s tragic hair loss is a story with which men the world over can sympathise and empathise.

This shy and retiring miniscule Italian (now still only 41 according to his press profile, but who began losing his hair 39 years ago!) was obliged to meet world leaders wearing a handkerchief on his head to hide the stridently obvious emergency repairs to his rapidly disappearing thatch. He was only able to bear this enormous humiliation by taking absurdly strong ‘happy’ drugs, topped up with regular swigs from Bolster’s Blood from Driftwoods Spars’ Brewery from St Agnes in Kernow. With tears in his eyes, Signor Burlesque-Only said, “I no wanna be a baldie! I’m a too younga for that!”

The state of hair loss proved so grave that it was too much of a challenge even for the top surgeons of Italy and then Relubbus, which was the final port of call for Signor Burlesque-Only in his desperate quest for a new thatch.

Professor Doktor Pfeifentabak comments, “Zis poor man has hat to vear a a vig to cover up his hair loss and zat is a vig, vich can be spotted at a distance of 5 kilometres. Despite zis, ze Signor maintains a level of heppy jollity, vich is truly marvellous, ven everyvun is laughing et him!”

Pfeifentabak’s third hot tip for the top is legendary, but enigmatic, unconventional and, some say, highly controversial Relubbus sculptress Nellie Launder (34). Nellie is shown here playing her favourite ‘ball-less golf’, which has the great advantages that it can be played indoors as well as outdoors and it also involves no walking.

Nellie’s works can be viewed throughout Cornwall and also abroad, where many of her ‘pieces’ have been acquired by those fortunate few with the right sort of money. However, she started from humble beginnings.

A graduate of Skudjick Secondary School many years ago, Nellie’s early career was spent in Toppers Hairdressing Salon in Godolphin Road in Long Rock, where 7 years of dedicated application led to her assuming the exalted position of ’junior’. It was her role to ask customers if they were doing anything interesting for the weekend and to enquire whether they wanted a cup of tea or coffee.

This involvement led to her sculptural experimentation with tea leaves and hair. Throwing out a heap of such stuff one day, she was accosted by a passing Tory toff millionaire, Old Etonian, David Cameron, who asked her what she would take for ‘her creation’.

Nellie, not being the cleverest or quickest, did not respond immediately, whereupon the fool Cameron kept on upping the price until he reached the mind-boggling (for Nellie!) sum of £700,000. Then she agreed the sale and, finally catching on, also agreed to deliver such ‘works’ to Cameron and his loaded pals on a daily basis. She has never looked back.

Says Pfeifentabak, “Zis young lady has unremarkable substances taken and she hes made zem completely remarkable. She is a great artist!!"

Pfeifentabak’s last tip is the Relubbus Renaissance man himself, Dougie Bosvargoe (35). Nature has displayed great partiality in loading one person with so many gifts.

Bosvargoe is known as a cross-dressing heart surgeon at the famed Prospidnick American Hospital; as a xylophonist of international reputation; as a master of lower Algonquian poetry and also as a Western National bus driver on the Penzance St Ives route.

Pfeifentabak comments, “Zat vun men should so many abilities hev, is not fair! My money must be on zis last top tip!!"

Results will be published in the Roundup next week.

CHRISTMAS SNOWS COME TO RELUBBUS!!

By our Rover Christmas Correspondent.... the dog with the cool glasses..... and the festive antlers....... whose paws caress the keyboard into sweet language... who, alone amongst our journalists, is completely house-trained.. this report comes from "Fetch" Penhaligon, the dog who always gets his story!!

Yes, you can tell it's Christmas again – that white stuff is back!

The roof of the Relubbus Met Office is covered in six inches of snow, while the picture shows the magical scene this morning at Relubbus Zoo, where Head Keeper Willy Rosewarne (39), recently cleared of all charges of ‘interfering with the animals’, is out with his favourite elephants.


Snowfalls bedeck the whole of Relubbus and the surrounding district. The ski runs at Mount Relubbus have, of course, been carpeted in thick, freshly topped-up snow ever since the end of September, enticing tens of thousands of winter sports enthusiasts to fabled Relubbus, where you can ski in the morning and then travel five miles on a Western National bus, arriving three hours later in the tropical magic of Prah Sands, which is currently basking in 30 degrees Centigrade of luscious sunshine.

In Boswedden Lane in the centre of Relubbus, carol singing took place in front of the statue dedicated to Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader Billy Spargo’s Enty Mabel – the famed poet.

Carol singing was led by Ms Doris Hitler – seen here giving her trademark salute – and the proceedings concluded with a noted poem by Mabel Spargo specially set to music by Professor Norris Boris Morris of the Relubbus Conservatoire.

The poem is, of course, the renowned favourite “Ee”

I aren’t gunna askee “Knawun do ee?”
Tha’s too easy and idden no fun.

I wain’t ask ‘ee “Seenunroundere avee?”
Cos wi they glasses you kint see nawun.

I aren’t gonna tell ‘ee oo I’m talking abowt
Cos tha’s easy at this time o year.

I bleeve I jes seen Faither Christmas
An ee’s coming ovver your way, my dear!

Another sure sign that the Christmas season is upon us came with the traditional annual Lesbian and Gay Plumbers’ Parade, which started off at Prospidnick Terrace, making its way through the notorious Pink Pydar gay quarter (what Castro is to San Francisco, Pink Pydar is to Relubbus) before emerging on to Cattle Market square, where they linked up – in a symbol of Christmas reconciliation – with both the Triangle and Tambourine Band of the Tregeseal Fundamentalist Methodist Church and the massed Harleys of the Long Rock Bearded Bikers Club.

Participation this year by the Pink Truncheons, a special unit of the Devon and Cornwall Police (DCP), was blocked by Commissioner Percy Penrose of the Relubbus Kreslu Kernewek because of their (DCP's) behaviour unbecoming gay police officers.

Shelley’s of St Just , the world famous hairdressing establishment, has opened an academy for ‘juniors’ in Relubbus, which has just taken on its first one hundred recruits.

We show, as our last picture, some of the girls at play building a snowman.

We leave you with this seasonal snap and wish all our readers a very Merry Christmas!!!!

PENDEEN BALDNESS BREAKTHROUGH!

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AMAZING PENDEEN CURE FOR BALDNESS AVAILABLE FOR YOU!!

Fed up with all the “Baldie” jokes?

Want to make an impact on the Ladies again with a full head of hair?

Do you have £4,500 to spare (although easy terms are available**)?

Come to Ponsandane Hair Solutions at 3 Treworvas Cottages in Pendeen for an amazing CURE for baldness!!

BEFORE and AFTER

This is a picture (on the left) of the top of delighted customer Tommy Trevains’ head BEFORE he had the treatment, (and it only lasts 5 minutes!!!) which has transformed his life. On the right is a picture of the lustrous hair growth which he is proud to call his own after the treatment.

Says a delighted Tommy, “I ebbent never spent su much money to such good effect. I’s the best £4,500 I ever spent!! I’s jes’ like I got a new ‘ead of ‘air. I w’aint be able to keep they maids off me now."

Mrs Kitty Polzeath, 35, the brains and owner of Ponsandane Hair Solutions claims that she can help any man with problems in the hair department!!

Indeed for the right fee, she claims that she can help any man with any problems in any department.

**Long Rock Bank will provide personal loans to enable you to take a course of treatment at Mrs Polzeath’s establishment. Loans are available to bald persons with an annual income of not less than £34,000 annually. Deposit of 10% must be paid by bald customer. Arrangement Fee of £1,500 will apply, as will annual compound interest rate of 31.75%. Loans are for a minimun period of 35 years. Certificate of Baldness must be provided.

PERSONAL SERVICES FOR THE DISCERNING USER

Depilation the Easy Way

You've given creams a go – and they don’t work.

You've obviously tried shaving, but that is short-lived and bloody.

So now you are looking for the new fail-safe way. And now you need look no further – you will find your answers in Crows-an-wra!!

So come to Crows and Wra Body Torching for that Bunsen Burner treatment that WILL leave you hairless.

Sandra Botterill will leave you hairless and happy!!

A single session with Sandra will cost you only £39.

Weight Loss – achieve it, without effort, at: Buryas Bridge Body Slicing

It is the new technique that helps you lose pounds (or stones) in seconds.

Dickie Addicoat is ready to help you by slicing off unwanted parts (and weight!!) in just seconds!!

Dickie likes to think of himself as a skilled ‘body sculptor’, who can transform your looks.

A two minute (the maximum) session with Dickie will cost you just £95.

Please note that clients must supply their own sticky plasters!!

Spiritual Telegraphs!!

We pass on those last words you forgot to say!

Everyone wishes that they had said some one last thing to their dearly beloved, before they departed. Once the moment has past, the opportunity has gone – forever! Or has it?

No! It hasn’t, you can speak to your loved ones who have passed on!

For a fee of only £42 per word, you can pass on messages to your dear departed with

Spiritual Telegraphs of Boscathnoe.

Constipation Clearance with High Pressure Hosing!

Also effective with Ear Wax, Alzheimers and Homosexuality!!**

Dougie Blewitt is all kitted up and standing ready to help you with whatever ailment you might have.

His cleansing blast will remove all traces of ear wax for good. It is also known to have beneficial effects in the treatment of Alzheimer’s - it does get their attention!

Also, when the power is turned on full, Dougie is convinced that it will ‘cure’ homosexuality, halitosis, and other ailments beginning with 'h'.

5 (Five) minutes with Dougie cost an amazingly little £445!!!!

** As recommended by Cornish Conservative County Councillor Graham Facks-Martin!!!!

Professor Parry’s Counselling for the Confused!!

As a formerly very confused person himself, Professor Parry is well placed to help those amongst us, who have – for whatever reasons – become ’confused’.

Here follows a quick confusion test:

1. Have you ever voted ‘Tory’? (Don’t be ashamed – it happens!)

2. Have you ever been caught with a part of yourself inserted into an animal of any sort?

3. Regardless of the ‘happy state’ of the animal, is there a picture?

4. Have you killed anyone yet?

5. If not, would your weapon of choice be a bomb, a knife, or a bludgeon?

If you have scored four ‘yes’ s and a bludgeon, then Professor Parry is your man!!

He is to be found at the Long Rock Station carriages between 9.10 and 9,40 on Tuesday mornings. Knock twice, as he's usually involved with his favourite Lemur, Albert.

“Recovery’ sessions with Professor Parry can cost as little as £5,000 per 10 minute session!!