DEBUTANTES BALLS ARE BACK!!

Yes, meet the young ladies of style from West Penwith!

On the left are 8 proud new graduates from the Crows an Wra Young Ladies' Finishing School, who will shortly be introduced as debutantes at the Annual Boswedden Lane Debutantes Ball in September.

This grand social event will be presided over, with his customary seigniorial aplomb, by none other than the esteemed Relubbus Council leader Billy Spargo (107) himself, and whichever belle on whom he chooses to bestow the signal honour of his company on this most prestigious of social occasions in the Cornish calendar.

For certain technical reasons, this tends to be a geriatric nurse with particular experience in urological problems, but this year Councillor Spargo appears to be casting caution to the wind.

Despite his, to lesser folk, incapacitating urological and wind problems, it is hotly rumoured around the fashionable salons of Boswedden Lane that the venerated Relubbus leader (pictured here on the left), will be foregoing his usual practice of taking an experienced nursing companion and instead escorting the young lady on the far left of the top photo, Miss Clamydia Trelowarren (21) to the ball.

The other ladies in the top photo – all aged 21 and all from the top drawer of Relubbus society – are, (to Miss Trelowarren’s right) Miss Cynthia Bunt, Miss Lavinia Minge, Miss Mocca Tartt, Miss Spenda Penny and Miss Dorla Rescorla.

The two girls seated at the front (or ‘gels’ as they prefer to be known) are a tight-knit pair from Botallack, who like to be known as the ‘no-knickers brigade’. They are Miss Brenda Bramanagath and Miss Gwendoline Gwenn.

In accordance with tradition, one lucky debutante will be selected as Queen of the Ball.

The young lady will then be showered with valuable gifts, including this year a £5 voucher to be redeemed at Simpson’s of Penzance; a set of nearly-new heated rollers; a half price cup of coffee at the Wimpy Bar; a free ‘blue rinse’ at Shelley’s Hair and Beauty at St Just and a set of tingly horsehair underwear made to measure by the up and coming King of Lingerie himself, Mr Derek Split-Crotch of Newbridge (pictured left, just putting the finishing touches, with mawther’s iron, to a pair of size 20 panties in genuine plastique.)

The only ‘onerous’ duties are the official opening of the refurbished toilets at Newlyn harbour and the requirement to act as a ‘greeter’ at the toilets from 7.00 am till 9.00 pm for the first 60 days after opening.

This is followed by a week of being duty streetwalker (deputising for ace local tart Ada Quick) at St Buryan (from 3.00 pm until 7.30 pm), donating all proceeds to the Botallack Home for Fallen Women.

However, with all this local exposure, it is easy to see why so many young women regard the attainment of the ‘Queen of the Ball’ title as the best possible launchpad into the world of the West Penwith glitterati. Accordingly, we can only say, may the best young lady win!! We will be reporting further...

IT COULD ONLY HAPPEN IN RELUBBUS!!

The Roundup today breaks the story of the very first human being to change from a man – into a woman – and then back to a man again!!

This is the fantastic, but true, story of one Chris Bolitho – he/she kept the same name throughout the transformations so as not to inconvenience Chris’s employers, “Dust to Dust” the Nancledra-based vacuum-packing “no smells” undertakers.

Born in Tregeseal, near metropolitan St Just in the early 1950s, Chris was a normal schoolboy with an abnormal requirement and capacity for smoking cigarettes. At just 13 years of age, he was getting through 3 packs of PLAYERS Weights a day.

After some four years, when Chris had just started work as a ‘washer’ at the above-named firm of undertakers, his mother realised that this heavy smoking was not normal behaviour and took him to see the GP, Dr Behenna, to seek medical guidance.

Dr Behenna (112) had long been a man seeking to ‘explore his feminine side ‘ and he had discovered, in a kitchen accident, that inhaling Maggie Fountain’s old Mediterranean Pancake mixture had greatly helped him enhance his feminine side. He had also noticed that his appetite for smoking had completely disappeared after just three weeks of taking the mixture once every two days.

He therefore had no hesitation in recommending that young Chris start taking the same mixture – three times a day until further notice - to put an end to the smoking habit.

However, since Dr Behenna was fatally hit by the Marazion bus only the following day, there was no ‘further notice’ and consequently no halt to the thrice daily ingestion of the magic mixture.

After just three months, Chris was a confirmed non-smoker. However, the treatment had brought about only a partial success, because he had also completely changed sex – without any surgical intervention whatever. Male Chris had become female Chris – as pictured left.

Pronounced character and personality changes accompanied this astounding sex change.

The young male Chris was a retiring young man, who was content with his own company, who adored his Hornby train set and for whom relaxation meant retiring to his room with a good stock of cigarettes and just playing with himself.

The new female Chris was foul-mouthed, flatulent and ‘liked men’ – a lot. After a bewildering amount of alcohol, some of them even liked her. She soon acquired the name of the ‘Tregeseal Bike’. She had three children in rapid succession and also took up heavy drinking as a hobby.

After the third child, the drinking had become so bad that her mother carted her off to see the new GP, Dr Penhallow. Given the nature of Chris’s problem, Dr Penhallow was just the right person to see.

Dr Loveday Penhallow (39) had long fought with the demon drink. After trying the orthodox and the unorthodox, she had eventually had some success with Will Trembath’s Particular Elixir. Taken ONLY twice a month, it had completely eradicated Dr Penhallow’s unfortunate reliance on drink. Unfortunately, it had also caused the doctor to grow a willy as well.

However such was the astonishing success with eradication of reliance on alcohol that the doctor had no hesitation in recommending the Particular Elixir to Chris.

Chris was too drunk to hear what the doctor was saying. Sadly the batteries in Chris’s mum’s hearing aid were gone and so she completely misunderstood the doctor’s instructions, understanding “take the potion 5 times a day”, instead of 5 times a month.

Within a month, all of Chris’s feminine bits had simply disappeared – to be replaced by a willy again. Unfortunately the trauma of all the changes caused Chris to suffer from anxiety and he found that he could only escape form it by smoking PLAYERS Weights.

Chris (shown here in a recent picture) died last week from lung cancer. In his will, he asked that the Roundup publish his remarkable story.

We do so today - with pride at being selected to release this world-first unique story.

DUCHY'S SURPRISE UNDERGROUND RAIL NETWORK FOR CORNWALL!!

Roundup Reporters have uncovered a secret plan hatched by the Duchy of Seine Königliche Hoheit Prinz Karl von Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha to open an underground rail network in Cornwall in order to relieve road traffic pressures above ground.

The secret plan is already in an advanced stage of preparation with numerous routes already built, including the West Penwith line.

The picture on the left is taken in the tunnel on the Zennor-Pendeen section of the line, which is now complete.

The trains will use a completely new type of technology code-named ZGB (believed to stand for Zero Gravity Bullet). This permits very high speeds without passengers experiencing any sensation of high speed travel.

According to design engineer, Trenwith Polglaze (36), of Goldsithney,(who will now sadly lose his job for talking to us), “the doors duh jes’ shut and open without you moving at all, but when they do open, you see that you are in the next station – it’s magic!”

A secret document shows the proposed journey times between certain destinations. The Zennor-Pendeen section will take just 2 minutes, whilst the stretch from Pendeen to St Just will take a mere 60 seconds. The extensive network is likely to see many people doing away with their cars for good.

Whilst the new underground system is now likely to be warmly welcomed by most of those who live in and visit Cornwall, it is also sadly likely to fuel the flames of controversy.

Firstly, property prices are clearly set to shoot up in those places on the underground route, whilst those hamlets and towns not on the route must reckon with a plummeting fall in property prices.

This can be seen on the attached map, where the West Penwith line leaves Sennen and moves directly to Mousehole, completely bypassing St Buryan. This will be a severe blow to those living in St Buryan, and a particularly cruel blow to any,who might have just moved there recently.

A second source of controversy lies in the fact that some businesses are more conveniently located near to stops than others. For instance, RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus is right next to one of the 25 stations in Relubbus, whereas Morrisons and Tescos in Penzance are some way from the nearest stop, which is at Gems Salon, Poltair Close, Heamoor. Similarly Shelley’s Hair and Beauty in St Just is likely to receive a boost by being located to one of the 6 stops in St Just.

Leaving aside the many controversies, most people are likely to be pleased by the provision of this advanced travel facility.

Many people will be wondering why the Prinz should be making such a gesture to the people of Cornwall. The Roundup has acquired a copy of a tape in which Seine Hoheit explains his actions thus to one of his aristocratic advisers, Heini von Porridge (both pictured here):

Seine Hoheit: “Heini, I haff all my life taken £ millions every year from ze Cornisch. Mein Gott, Zey might be counting!

Now MPs and even ze BBC are giving beck expenses, I sought zat I should give ze Cornish somesink beck. Now I can say zat I haff been takin ze Cornisch millions so zat I could give zem a Underground railway!!””

Heini Porridge: “Exzellent, O mein Prinz! You can also say zat it is good for ze environment – far fewer cars – etcetera!”

Having his whole life long taken huge sums of money as a landlord from one the poorest areas of the UK, the people of Kernow can now expect the Prinz and his Duchy to present them with their brand new Underground railway. If not, just what has he been doing with the money? Shall we count the millions???!!

ADVICE CORNER

Life is becoming ever more complex and more and more people find themselves compelled to seek out professional help so that they can deal with the ever more difficult demands placed upon them.

Mindful that its readers have 100% confidence in its utterances and guidance, the Roundup has accordingly pulled together a starred panel of experts to guide and advise our readers through some of life’s more difficult questions.

Readers are invited to write in to seek the advice of our unique pool of talent. Our panel of experts is at hand to provide advice on a range of matters running from health to wealth, from hairdressing to finance. We have invited our experts to introduce themselves to you. So meet the experts!

HEALTH Dr Brenda Tonkin (57) -- pictured here at a health conference in the Caribbean sponsored by British American Tobacco -- is at hand to deal with any worries you may have about matters of health.

In particular, she is keen to dispel many of the modern health myths which add to the misery of many poor folk. She describes herself as a lady who enjoys a drink or two and who knows how to appreciate the liberating effects that an Old Shag from St Bruno can have.

She is a strong opponent of gyms which, she maintains, cause untold impact injuries and weaken the structure of the body rather than improve it. She is a fierce critic of ‘rabbit food’ and the health freaks who advocate it. She believes that breakfast is the key meal of the day. For her, it should be a good fry up every time, including a good bit of 'ogs puddin’.

Brenda is totally opposed to post-marital sex and finds ginger hair utterly repugnant. Brenda is keen to offer advice to all, but she will particularly welcome approaches from amputees.

MENTAL HEALTH Kaspar Lesnoweth (just 3 months old) is the exceedingly clever genius of the psychiatric world. Being super-intelligent, Kaspar obtained degrees in Mathematics, Physics, Greek, Latin, Russian, Mandarin Chinese, Medicine, Psychiatry, History, and No 1s and No 2s (although he still is in nappies) -- all before reaching the age of 2 months.

Bringing an entirely fresh young mind to the subject of psychiatry, he adopts a radical approach to what he terms ‘mental abewwations’. He firmly believes that anyone less intelligent than he is needs to be ‘exterminated by a dalek’.

Patients who are prepared to tickle his stomach are permitted to be spared ‘as they might be useful’. No matter how depressed a person may be, Kaspar will be pleased to play with anyone.

HAIRDRESSING Tracey Polkinghorne (27) used to be a senior stylist at Shelley’s of St Just before she moved into ‘hair consultancy’. Tracey considers that the artistry of hairdressing is under-rated when compared to its rightful sister arts of poetry and music.

She prides herself on being able to merge all three when having rap music playing while she is undertaking one of her creations for a client. Yes, she confides that she still does do the odd bit of clipping in a garage behind Newlyn Bridge, because she needs the hands-on experience to re-enervate her consulting muscle.

However, she is happiest dispensing the fruits of her accumulated hairdressing wisdom in magazines around the world, foremost amongst which are the Relubbus Roundup and the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt. She is also in negotiations with the Luxembourg paper, Zeitung vum Lëtzebuerger Vollek, which will be syndicating her column for a sum believed to be in excess of £7.50 a month.

Tracey will be there for you to deal with all the tricky questions, such as how to turn gray hair into pink or blue and, for the men, how to get a combover that will turn heads.

FINANCE Horton Baragwaneth (45) is one of the few world financiers whose reputations remain untarnished following recent turmoil in the financial world. His oft-repeated maxim of “Keep’n in cash an’ keep ‘n under the mattress” has finally proved to have resonance for all.

The millions of folk who have invested in the stockmarket have seen their investments plummet in value by around a third, whereas Horton’s £27 nest egg retains all the purchasing power it had 27 years ago – apart from inflation, of course. However, as he says “You kent win ‘em all, canee? Least I ebbn lost nuthin!”

Horton famously has another £75 hidden in his garden hedge, although no-one has been able to find it. He styles this his hedge fund. Horton will be providing invaluable advice to all those facing any financial crisis.

PASSING OVER Douglas Penberthy (19) comes from a long line of undertakers and, like any apprentice, he has worked his way up through the family firm, having had a go at every single job so that he would be a true expert.

He says, “I’ve done it all – dug the pits, made the boxes, washed the stiffs, tidied them up to make them presentable for the loved ones, driven the stiffmobile, done the slow walk, carried the box – full and empty – serviced the incinerator, been on the ‘sincere, but glum’ course, managed the budgets and taken the cash. I can do it all!”

This is just as well, as his father is now serving a prison stretch for ‘certain irregularities’ which occurred when he was preparing a corpse, having forgotten first to put his trousers on. Douglas can advise on any aspect of the practicalities of ‘passing over’.

PLUMBING AND GOALKEEPING Lester Bramnoweth (35) is the legendary goalkeeper for top West Penwith football team Richmond Rangers, who play at the St Clare ground in Penzance.

With Bramnoweth’s help, the Rangers have set a new record (10 unbroken years!) for clinging to the bottom position of the South West Peninsula League.

Lester also holds the record for letting in the most goals during any one match, with an astounding total of 326. As he modestly declares “I couldna dunovun without my teammates!”

In addition to this, he is the lead apprentice in the Tremethick Cross mega plumbing empire of Jimmy Addicoat, where he has specialised in the field of difficult bathroom tap washers. Lester is a sound and competent voice in both plumbing and goalkeeping.

CLASSIFIEDS - THE UPDATE

The recent series of classifieds appearing in this organ contained one plea that brought a reaction from hundreds of young women, all desperate to be the source of solace to the man who advertised thus:

Old fart, 82 but not yet dead, seeks stunning blonde between 25 and 29, who will lavish love upon me. Must be solvent, as I aren’t. Tel 0905 446 4612.

It is with the greatest of regret that we bring you the news that, despite the note of plucky optimism at the beginning of his message, the “Old Fart”, one Daniel Beare of the Caravan, Badger’s Field, St Just, has now passed away.

Such was his joy at being told that his advert had attracted 257 applicants that his excitement grew and his heart gave up on him.

However, we were so touched at the reaction that we have decided to print, for free, the adverts of some of those who responded in such a kindly manner, despite the fact that some clearly do not fit into the category of blonde, solvent, stunning and between 25 and 29.

Janice Cock (27) from Rosudgeon is a mobile (with own bike) "penile implant repair operative", who counts the whole of West Penwith as her patch. Given the nature of her work, she was on the lookout for a relationship that would offer her restful companionship to counterbalance the rigours of her day. “I am shagged out at the end of the day and jes’ wanted someone to come ‘ome to. I’m sum sorry to ‘ear about Mr Beare!” Janice would like to hear from you at Box 5674.


Sharon Botterill (16) is still at school, but as she said “Mr Beare sounded like such a kindly old bloke. I was jes’ goin’ to call in on un after school every couple of days to check ee’s alright, fetch ‘is fags and that sort of thing. Course, it might ‘ave led to more….” If anyone is moved by Sharon’s touching concern, she would love to hear from them and would like younger men or even boys her own age to make contact at Box 3912.


Lydia Addicoat (27), last year’s Miss Perranporth, shown here wearing her winning crown, is a ‘junior’ in a hair styling salon, where she has been training for some years to become a beautician. As the salon has male customers now too, she has been ‘looking after their feet’. She has developed a particular affection for old men’s feet, but did not like to tell anyone about it. Mr Beare would have been a dream partner, as he had apparently had ‘very bad feet’. If anyone would like to “play footsie” with Lydia, they should write to Box 7834.

Some one calling themselves just ‘Chris’ has sent in this photo, along with a message saying “I am Chris. I look just like this. I don’t want people to be afraid any more. They can trust me now. I am sorry about Mr Beare. I thought I could manage him, because his sight was probably not any good any more.” Chris lives "up on the moors" and loves horses. If you are interested, just take up a message. Chris will be watching. Chris is always watching.


Dog poo control operative (no, she’s eating chocolate!) Linda Borlase (25) is a sweet girl, who was strongly taken by Mr Beare’s cri de coeur. Overactive glands leave Linda with an embarrassing personal odour problem that makes her think she’d be better suited to an older man, like Mr Beare. She would like to hear from other over 80s gents at Box 4567.


Bert Trelowarren is a 27-year-old ladies' outfitter from Nancledra. A gentle soul, he has difficulty in fitting into the Penzance scene. He is very interested in male bodily dysfunctions, but finds it hard to relate his wishes to others. He thought that he would have a chance with an older man, hence his interest in Daniel. If anyone else would like to while away an evening with Bert over a yarn and a gallon of Bulmers, he should contact Box 5601.

Gracie Pender is 96 and still ‘up for it’. Gracie invented lap dancing in the 1920s and made a great deal of money from Lord Falmouth, the Bolithos and the Le Grices. She has also been credited with passing on handy hints to the Duckess of Cornwall about how to enliven nights at Highgrove. Charles was so thankful, he sent down his favourite cabbage to her. When she read Daniel’s message she thought “he’s a bit of a toyboy, but I’ve got the money and the time, so why the hell not?" Gracie is still eligible and open to invitations at Box 9127.

And finally, the man who all this was about? The man himself, Daniel Beare?

Here we have a picture of Daniel, snapped at one of his last ‘Dentures for Life’ sessions, where he acted as a model.

We send Daniel every best wish for his future journeys through the worlds of being!

YES, IT'S COMPETITION TIME AGAIN!!!!!!

Readers rejoice!! It is another chance for you, our READERS, to win fabulous prizes!!

Regular patrons of the Relubbus Panopticon will immediately recognise this picture of the fabulously talented Zelda Barncoose (29) of Zennor, playing her zither, while her devoted husband, Jimmy (32), a butcher from St Just, beats out the tune with his hat upon her head.

The all-important question is, "WHAT TUNE IS SHE PLAYING?" The Editor would like, at this point, to insist that Miss Bernice Pierce of St Clare, Penzance, does not write in again (for the 93rd time) to state that the tune is "Camberne 'Ill". The only clue we are giving is that the song is NOT Camberne 'Ill.

So the first step towards winning any prize is guessing which tune Zelda is playing.

Regular readers, especially those from Dar Es Salaam, will be well aware that supplying that one answer will not be enough to win the prizes. No one knows that better than the Editor's 3-year-old niece, Loveday, who has won many of the prizes for the past 6 years. "Prizes", I hear you say, "what might these be?"

First prize this time is nothing less than this sparkling, brand-new 2008 Cornish Avenger car, pictured on the left. Available only in sea-green with pink go-faster stripes, this motor will be the envy of all your friends, equipped as it is with the very latest in gizmos.

We cannot name them all but, for instance, the driver's door has a handle that enables you to lower or raise the window, thus adjusting the condition of the air in the car. We call this "air-conditioning" -- just watch other car-makers imitate it!

In another groundbreaking development, the front windscreen is equipped with a "wiper" which wipes away rain, enabling the driver to motor safely through thunderstorms. So, at a stroke, gone are the days when you couldn't drive in the rain.

In every model of the the Avenger there is also a transistor radio taped to the back window, which is capable of picking up not only Radio Cornwall, but also Radio Caroline, for those of you who like racey music. You can change between the two channels at the flick of a switch, although, of course, you do need a friend in the back seat to flick the switch for you.

Hidden in the glove department is a coin-operated, fruit-flavoured-condom dispenser for the many James Bond moments that are bound to arise in a car of this calibre. The dispenser operates on Lithuanian litas coins and offers three favourite Lithuanian fruit flavours -- blueberry, gooseberry, and loganberry.

In addition to the driver's seat, there is now also an UPHOLSTERED passenger seat, which will provide unheard-of comfort for the little lady in your life!! In the back, the plank has now been planed so that no splinters will ever again give discomfort to your passengers.

The engine is a technologists' dream, representing the very latest in advanced automotive engineering from Trevaskis Motors!! The engine runs on the excreta of the Tasmanian Wolf. This has the advantage that it is very eco-friendly, but labours a trifle under the disadvantage that the Tasmanian Wolf (and hence its droppings) has been in short supply for a good few decades. The lucky winner and driver need have no fears though, as a a full two days fuel (for four miles in total) will be supplied FREE!!.

We could wax lyrical about the Avenger for hours , but must stop somewhere. Suffice it to say that the car boot OPENS, enabling you to use the full 1 foot square space for any luggage you may wish to carry.

Now that you are all salivating with eagerness to own this mean machine, and assuming that you have the correct answer to question one, you need only know the answer to the second question to gain the keys to the Cornish Avenger.

Well, it is not so much a question as a task, which you must successfully complete. TRANSLATE THE FOLLOWING INTO KERNEWEK:
Note: You must use the very latest SWF spelling! Entries in Unified Cornish or even Kemmyn will automatically be disqualified.

"With a methodical and relentless thoroughness, he probed each corner and nook and cranny of his most capacious nose until he found it. Then, he extracted his finger and held the gleaming prize before her eyes. She was so thrilled by the sight that she knew then that she would do anything for this man. She sat there transfixed. It sat there, gleaming upon his finger, a bewitching wash of colours, of greens, of purples, of blues -- how could one nose produce so many emblems of colour?"

Okay, so you have won the car. What else could you win?

Special times call for special prizes - and NOTHING could be more special than this! Behold a new creation from Nancledra!! It is the SAXOBOGGA!

It successfully combines the amatory with the lavatory, hitting all the necessary low notes, one after another. On the open market, this new miracle of the musical world would cost some £75,000 (with plumbing costs extra!).

Picture the scene! You are the new musical maestro. Your beloved is seated upon the throne, beset, alas, with problems of a hideously noisome and gaseous nature which nothing but the muse of music can release. You and she can blow together in happy unison...

Yes, but to win this miraculous musical machine, you must first answer the following question correctly:

Which of the two, Julia or Andrew, will first leave the shabby pee-perfumed limelight of the Liberal Democrats and truly speak for Cornwall?

Of course, if your knowledge is deeper than that of our questioner and you give a name other than that of the sweet Julia or the sainted Andrew and you name a person who does then lay down their name for Cornwall at Westminster, then you may name your own prize within our country.

Finally, as is customary with all our competitions, entries will only be valid (and, therefore, read) if accompanied by £20,000 in used notes. So, what are you waiting for??? Get writing!!