Just think! Your perfect partner could be living within 5 miles of your home. How do you find them? You come to Friends or More, founded over 3 and half weeks ago by Agnes Pengelly. Then you will meet special folk like these, who would just love to meet you.
Women seeking men
Maggie Ladner (38) used to make a living by being exhibited as the fattest woman in Crowlas, weighing in at an amazing 54 stone. However, when the wall of her house had to be demolished so that she could get out to attend her mother’s funeral, she decided to take matters in hand and lose a little bit of weight.
After six weeks hard dieting, she is now down to a trim 18 and a half stone. She celebrated with her first drink of water. With just over 80% of the fat folds now surgically removed, she feels, at long last, ready to meet and take on the male world. Having shed the fat, she is now jobless and would like to find a man with his own business such as fish and chip shop, airline or shipping company so that she can share his work life as well as his bed.
Belinda Hicks (36) is a traffic warden from Carnyorth. She is single and desperate to meet a man to have children before the time clock runs out. She has freckles and flat feet, but is not yet (quite) clinically obese. Sunny disposition and loves Kettle Crisps dipped in a mixture of Bovril and Salad cream. Needs to meet a man, who won’t mind baldness. Phone Belinda on Hayle 67456.
Avril Behenna (26) is a cuddly funeral home receptionist with one eye (but guess which one is made of glass!!?!!)from Camborne, who would like to meet the man of her dreams: He is over 5 ft 6 ins tall, has a well preserved Ford Anglia, knows a bit about DIY (but will still need me, if you know what I mean!!) has only occasionally visited prostitutes and knows how to take proper care of budgies (I have thirty!). I can offer a mean ‘beans on toast’ as well as …well you come and find out. Phone Avril on Halsetown 561.
Trish Acne (67) is a retired bookkeeper from Sancreed. She has lived a quiet life at home with mother, who has just passed on at the age of 93. ‘I was always brought up to save myself for the right man – now mother’s gone, I can look for him. Are you he?’ Ideally seeking man of Congregationalist background (former Boy’s Brigade?, perhaps, but not homosexual). Keywords for me are ‘warm underwear’, ‘cocoa’, ‘slugs’ and ‘droppings’. Is this you?? Phone Trish on Sancreed 423.
Chris Myfanwy Fanny (45) is a teacher of Religious Knowledge and Halsetown’s champion knitter (1982). She seeks an understanding male who will not be put off by her unusual bladder difficulties. ‘I am happy to meet a man who is seriously overweight, as I am myself a size 32’. Up for all sexual adventures not involving difficult positions, unless you have ‘one o’ they special cranes’. Phone Chris on Crowlas 510.
Men seeking women
Barry Penrose (19) is a trainee telegraphist for the recently opened Morvah Telephony Company, which provides virtually instantaneous communications between Morvah and other communications hubs, such as Relubbus, Penzance, Mevagissey, Windsor (CA), Elmshorn (Germany) and Ulan Bator. Barry is the 2006 tiddlywinks champion at the Gulval branch of the YMCA (Young Maladjusted and Criminally Antisocial).
A fervent advocate of Kernewek Kemmyn, Barry believes that if we all use ‘K’s instead of ‘C’s, we can’t go wrong in life. He has no interest in girls yet, but, following an embarrassing string of ‘accidents’ in his bed at night (which he doesn’t understand), his Mum has ordered him to ‘get a girlfriend’. Interested young ladies (hopefully also members of High Street Methodist Church choir) are invited to ‘phone Mrs Penrose between 7.30 pm and 8.00pm on 01736 364901 (No scrubbers!)
Denzil Trevains, (26) a body washer (4th class, but hoping for promotion), constructs wooden Ipods in his spare time and is also a trombonist in the Pendeen Silver band. He seeks an understanding matron to help him with his flagellant condition. Denzil needs to be beaten every day and if you will wear sandals and paint your toenails pink, he will not mind what you look like or what sex you are. ‘Phone Denzil at the Botallack Mortuary, extension 3.
Craig Wakfer (49) is an almost reformed chicken-botherer (he preferred to use the term ‘coop-fan’, whilst defending himself in court) from Heamoor, who thinks no one should take his ‘condition’ seriously. Arrested four years ago for his pursuit of an innocent (in the opinion of the owner) Cornish game hen called ‘Clucky’, Craig now dismisses Clucky ‘as nothing but a bleddy cocktease!’. Craig has now turned his back on the chicken coop and is looking firmly towards the world of women for his next sexual adventures.
Ask for Craig at HMP Boscathnoe. He is due for release in 6 weeks, when he expects that he will no longer require the oxygen supply he now uses to avoid breathing in the noxious fumes emanating from the weeping pustules in his groin area.
Others seeking Others
Chris (surname withheld) is a lonesome toilet repair operative (30s) without any experience beyond vigorous self-manipulation. He has always wondered what ‘it’ would be like. ‘Chris’ says only that Chris lives ‘west of Truro’ and lives alone ‘without comforts’.
Chris has never – ever – seriously harmed anyone on purpose, so you needn’t worry on that score! If you, like Chris, are seriously turned on by particular canine odours, then phone 01736 3654192 (a public ‘phone box) between 6.30 pm and 6.35 pm any weekday evening and Chris will pick up with his ‘good hand’.
FRIENDS OR MORE
BERNERS-LEE ENDORSES THE ROUNDUP
The Relubbus Roundup is proud to announce that Sir Tim Berners-Lee (left), widely acknowledged as the "father" of the World Wide Web, has praised this organ as a source of truthful, verified, unbiased, and objective news.
Sir Tim has frequently highlighted the spread of false or misleading information on the internet as a danger that could irretrievably damage the usefulness of the Web as an information tool.
He deplores the way in which the web -- which started out as a fundamentally democratic phenomenon and a medium for academic debate -- has, in recent years, come to be dominated by governments and corporate interests, each with its own political or commercial axe to grind.
As examples of the ways in which the web's credibility has been damaged, he cites the rise of promotional sites that masquerade as impartial sources of advice, search engines where the results are skewed by the marketing dollar, sites that promote Creationism as scientific fact, government "information" sites that disseminate misinformation, and search engines that block politically-inconvenient sites at the behest of governments.
"In our fallen online paradise," says Berners-Lee, "the Roundup shines out like a beacon of probity in a naughty world. When you read the Roundup, you can be confident that you are being told the Truth. Facts are checked and double-checked. Political comment is balanced, informed, and measured. I commend the Roundup to serious thinkers everywhere!"
