PERSONAL SERVICES FOR THE DISCERNING USER

Depilation the Easy Way

You've given creams a go – and they don’t work.

You've obviously tried shaving, but that is short-lived and bloody.

So now you are looking for the new fail-safe way. And now you need look no further – you will find your answers in Crows-an-wra!!

So come to Crows and Wra Body Torching for that Bunsen Burner treatment that WILL leave you hairless.

Sandra Botterill will leave you hairless and happy!!

A single session with Sandra will cost you only £39.

Weight Loss – achieve it, without effort, at: Buryas Bridge Body Slicing

It is the new technique that helps you lose pounds (or stones) in seconds.

Dickie Addicoat is ready to help you by slicing off unwanted parts (and weight!!) in just seconds!!

Dickie likes to think of himself as a skilled ‘body sculptor’, who can transform your looks.

A two minute (the maximum) session with Dickie will cost you just £95.

Please note that clients must supply their own sticky plasters!!

Spiritual Telegraphs!!

We pass on those last words you forgot to say!

Everyone wishes that they had said some one last thing to their dearly beloved, before they departed. Once the moment has past, the opportunity has gone – forever! Or has it?

No! It hasn’t, you can speak to your loved ones who have passed on!

For a fee of only £42 per word, you can pass on messages to your dear departed with

Spiritual Telegraphs of Boscathnoe.

Constipation Clearance with High Pressure Hosing!

Also effective with Ear Wax, Alzheimers and Homosexuality!!**

Dougie Blewitt is all kitted up and standing ready to help you with whatever ailment you might have.

His cleansing blast will remove all traces of ear wax for good. It is also known to have beneficial effects in the treatment of Alzheimer’s - it does get their attention!

Also, when the power is turned on full, Dougie is convinced that it will ‘cure’ homosexuality, halitosis, and other ailments beginning with 'h'.

5 (Five) minutes with Dougie cost an amazingly little £445!!!!

** As recommended by Cornish Conservative County Councillor Graham Facks-Martin!!!!

Professor Parry’s Counselling for the Confused!!

As a formerly very confused person himself, Professor Parry is well placed to help those amongst us, who have – for whatever reasons – become ’confused’.

Here follows a quick confusion test:

1. Have you ever voted ‘Tory’? (Don’t be ashamed – it happens!)

2. Have you ever been caught with a part of yourself inserted into an animal of any sort?

3. Regardless of the ‘happy state’ of the animal, is there a picture?

4. Have you killed anyone yet?

5. If not, would your weapon of choice be a bomb, a knife, or a bludgeon?

If you have scored four ‘yes’ s and a bludgeon, then Professor Parry is your man!!

He is to be found at the Long Rock Station carriages between 9.10 and 9,40 on Tuesday mornings. Knock twice, as he's usually involved with his favourite Lemur, Albert.

“Recovery’ sessions with Professor Parry can cost as little as £5,000 per 10 minute session!!

CLASSIFIEDS - THE UPDATE

The recent series of classifieds appearing in this organ contained one plea that brought a reaction from hundreds of young women, all desperate to be the source of solace to the man who advertised thus:

Old fart, 82 but not yet dead, seeks stunning blonde between 25 and 29, who will lavish love upon me. Must be solvent, as I aren’t. Tel 0905 446 4612.

It is with the greatest of regret that we bring you the news that, despite the note of plucky optimism at the beginning of his message, the “Old Fart”, one Daniel Beare of the Caravan, Badger’s Field, St Just, has now passed away.

Such was his joy at being told that his advert had attracted 257 applicants that his excitement grew and his heart gave up on him.

However, we were so touched at the reaction that we have decided to print, for free, the adverts of some of those who responded in such a kindly manner, despite the fact that some clearly do not fit into the category of blonde, solvent, stunning and between 25 and 29.

Janice Cock (27) from Rosudgeon is a mobile (with own bike) "penile implant repair operative", who counts the whole of West Penwith as her patch. Given the nature of her work, she was on the lookout for a relationship that would offer her restful companionship to counterbalance the rigours of her day. “I am shagged out at the end of the day and jes’ wanted someone to come ‘ome to. I’m sum sorry to ‘ear about Mr Beare!” Janice would like to hear from you at Box 5674.


Sharon Botterill (16) is still at school, but as she said “Mr Beare sounded like such a kindly old bloke. I was jes’ goin’ to call in on un after school every couple of days to check ee’s alright, fetch ‘is fags and that sort of thing. Course, it might ‘ave led to more….” If anyone is moved by Sharon’s touching concern, she would love to hear from them and would like younger men or even boys her own age to make contact at Box 3912.


Lydia Addicoat (27), last year’s Miss Perranporth, shown here wearing her winning crown, is a ‘junior’ in a hair styling salon, where she has been training for some years to become a beautician. As the salon has male customers now too, she has been ‘looking after their feet’. She has developed a particular affection for old men’s feet, but did not like to tell anyone about it. Mr Beare would have been a dream partner, as he had apparently had ‘very bad feet’. If anyone would like to “play footsie” with Lydia, they should write to Box 7834.

Some one calling themselves just ‘Chris’ has sent in this photo, along with a message saying “I am Chris. I look just like this. I don’t want people to be afraid any more. They can trust me now. I am sorry about Mr Beare. I thought I could manage him, because his sight was probably not any good any more.” Chris lives "up on the moors" and loves horses. If you are interested, just take up a message. Chris will be watching. Chris is always watching.


Dog poo control operative (no, she’s eating chocolate!) Linda Borlase (25) is a sweet girl, who was strongly taken by Mr Beare’s cri de coeur. Overactive glands leave Linda with an embarrassing personal odour problem that makes her think she’d be better suited to an older man, like Mr Beare. She would like to hear from other over 80s gents at Box 4567.


Bert Trelowarren is a 27-year-old ladies' outfitter from Nancledra. A gentle soul, he has difficulty in fitting into the Penzance scene. He is very interested in male bodily dysfunctions, but finds it hard to relate his wishes to others. He thought that he would have a chance with an older man, hence his interest in Daniel. If anyone else would like to while away an evening with Bert over a yarn and a gallon of Bulmers, he should contact Box 5601.

Gracie Pender is 96 and still ‘up for it’. Gracie invented lap dancing in the 1920s and made a great deal of money from Lord Falmouth, the Bolithos and the Le Grices. She has also been credited with passing on handy hints to the Duckess of Cornwall about how to enliven nights at Highgrove. Charles was so thankful, he sent down his favourite cabbage to her. When she read Daniel’s message she thought “he’s a bit of a toyboy, but I’ve got the money and the time, so why the hell not?" Gracie is still eligible and open to invitations at Box 9127.

And finally, the man who all this was about? The man himself, Daniel Beare?

Here we have a picture of Daniel, snapped at one of his last ‘Dentures for Life’ sessions, where he acted as a model.

We send Daniel every best wish for his future journeys through the worlds of being!