RELUBBUS ANNOUNCEMENTS

Transformation

Mr Antelope Telegraph (89) wishes it to be known that he will henceforth be known as Mrs Agnes Telegraph.

Mr Telegraph, who was never married, thought it a dreadful shame that he had never acquired his “own little woman”. He therefore decided that he would undergo the necessary surgery to become a woman so that he could style himself as Mrs Agnes Telegraph.

After successful application of the RC Oates Home Surgery Kit, a cheery Mrs Agnes Telegraph (ex Mr Antelope Telegraph) declares “Well, at least it has cured my prostate problems!”

Seduction

Mr and Mrs Eric Quigley of Ponsandane are pleased to announce the seduction of their daughter, Alice (18) , by multi-billionnaire businessman and philanthropist, Mr W G Trevaskis (58) of Relubbus.

The seduction took pace at the Quigley family home and was filmed by a triumphant Mr Quigley who had “rigged up the front room with lots of cameras”.

Beside herself with joy, an excited Mrs Quigley said “She bin after ‘ee ever since she got a job up ‘is shop. We’re sum proud of our maid!”

Refutation

The Reverend Sigmund Portcullis (72) hereby issues an adamant refutation of tales recounted by the malicious and irresponsible to the effect that he had anything whatever to do with the ‘goings-on’ at the Penlee Park Gentlemen’s toilets at 7.30 pm last Tuesday evening.

He explains that he was merely out for a bracing stroll, when he was caught short, necessitating a visit to the toilets nearby. The fact that he shot off, when the police arrived, should not be interpreted as an indication of guilt. Furthermore, the fact that, in his hurry to leave, he had left his trousers behind was a natural consequence of his increasing forgetfulness.

Affirmation

PC Geoffrey ‘Ollis (29) (of Camborne) is pleased to announce to the public that he has just celebrated a civil partnership ceremony with Roger “Deirdre” Penscab (42). The Devon and Cornwall Police have - weeks ago - given up their anti-gay policies and practices and are delighted to have the opportunity of supporting Geoffrey and Roger (a car mechanic from Long Rock) in their marriage.

Geoffrey says “They’ve been ever so nice to we. Paid fer the photographer and they’re gunna give we a nice police ‘ouse to live in too. Sarge even cumeer and give me and Rog a kiss!”

So that’s a pink thumbs up to the Devon and Cornwall Police!

CHRISTMAS SNOWS COME TO RELUBBUS!!

By our Rover Christmas Correspondent.... the dog with the cool glasses..... and the festive antlers....... whose paws caress the keyboard into sweet language... who, alone amongst our journalists, is completely house-trained.. this report comes from "Fetch" Penhaligon, the dog who always gets his story!!

Yes, you can tell it's Christmas again – that white stuff is back!

The roof of the Relubbus Met Office is covered in six inches of snow, while the picture shows the magical scene this morning at Relubbus Zoo, where Head Keeper Willy Rosewarne (39), recently cleared of all charges of ‘interfering with the animals’, is out with his favourite elephants.


Snowfalls bedeck the whole of Relubbus and the surrounding district. The ski runs at Mount Relubbus have, of course, been carpeted in thick, freshly topped-up snow ever since the end of September, enticing tens of thousands of winter sports enthusiasts to fabled Relubbus, where you can ski in the morning and then travel five miles on a Western National bus, arriving three hours later in the tropical magic of Prah Sands, which is currently basking in 30 degrees Centigrade of luscious sunshine.

In Boswedden Lane in the centre of Relubbus, carol singing took place in front of the statue dedicated to Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader Billy Spargo’s Enty Mabel – the famed poet.

Carol singing was led by Ms Doris Hitler – seen here giving her trademark salute – and the proceedings concluded with a noted poem by Mabel Spargo specially set to music by Professor Norris Boris Morris of the Relubbus Conservatoire.

The poem is, of course, the renowned favourite “Ee”

I aren’t gunna askee “Knawun do ee?”
Tha’s too easy and idden no fun.

I wain’t ask ‘ee “Seenunroundere avee?”
Cos wi they glasses you kint see nawun.

I aren’t gonna tell ‘ee oo I’m talking abowt
Cos tha’s easy at this time o year.

I bleeve I jes seen Faither Christmas
An ee’s coming ovver your way, my dear!

Another sure sign that the Christmas season is upon us came with the traditional annual Lesbian and Gay Plumbers’ Parade, which started off at Prospidnick Terrace, making its way through the notorious Pink Pydar gay quarter (what Castro is to San Francisco, Pink Pydar is to Relubbus) before emerging on to Cattle Market square, where they linked up – in a symbol of Christmas reconciliation – with both the Triangle and Tambourine Band of the Tregeseal Fundamentalist Methodist Church and the massed Harleys of the Long Rock Bearded Bikers Club.

Participation this year by the Pink Truncheons, a special unit of the Devon and Cornwall Police (DCP), was blocked by Commissioner Percy Penrose of the Relubbus Kreslu Kernewek because of their (DCP's) behaviour unbecoming gay police officers.

Shelley’s of St Just , the world famous hairdressing establishment, has opened an academy for ‘juniors’ in Relubbus, which has just taken on its first one hundred recruits.

We show, as our last picture, some of the girls at play building a snowman.

We leave you with this seasonal snap and wish all our readers a very Merry Christmas!!!!